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A glimpse through an interstice caught,
Of a crowd of workmen and drivers in a bar-room around the stove late of a winter night, and I unremark’d seated in a corner,
Of a youth who loves me and whom I love, silently approaching and seating himself near, that he may hold me by the hand,
A long while amid the noises of coming and going, of drinking and oath and smutty jest,
There we two, content, happy in being together, speaking little, perhaps not a word.
~Walt Whitman
Merlin is sitting alone in the tavern. He is staring at his ale, moping. Though he won’t admit that he is moping, because it is stupid anyway.
It started that morning after waking up Arthur, his beloved prince. Merlin has always loved waking Arthur and helping him get ready for the day. Today was no different.
While before he would have woken Arthur up by shouting the most ridiculous things, now he walks up to the bed and wakes his prince by stroking his hair and kissing his temple.
They figured out their feelings for each other a while back. While it wasn’t by any means an easy conversation, they found a way together. There was lots of crying on Merlin’s side. While admitting he was in love, he also felt he had to tell Arthur about his magic. Merlin could never feel content in the relationship when knowing he was still keeping such a big secret.
He cried even more when Arthur said he already knew about his magic and would never ever hurt him and would alway protect him. When hearing this Merlin couldn’t help but kiss Arthur.
While Arthur wanted nothing more than to make merlin his, he knew there were more things they had to discuss. While courting a servant was already unacceptable, dating a man was a death sentence for both of them.
In the end they agreed to court in secret. This was the best thing they could get without being in immediate danger. While Merlin loved their moments in the morning and evening, where they could just be themselves, he hated having to hide his affections for Arthur.
Now though, he tries to enjoy the way Arthur’s eyes flutter open and how the look Arthur gives him is nothing short of adoration.
“Good morning, my prince.”
“Good morning, my warlock.”
They just stare at each other for a moment before Merlin snaps out of his trance.
“You should get dressed.” Merlin says softly.
“Only if you help me.” And with the way Arthur looks at him, he can’t resist. Not that he would want to.
They pass the morning mostly in silence, just enjoying each other's company. When Arthur is ready to leave for the council meeting they part with a kiss and go their respective ways.
They run into each other a couple times that day. And every time the only thing Merlin can do is smile and nod at Arthur in passage. Normally it doesn’t hurt that much but today it is hitting Merlin in a specific spot that makes his heart ache.
When it is time for dinner, Arthur sadly has to dine with Uther and Morgana. Merlin has to serve Arthur during dinner and he hates it. Normally they have dinner together in Arthur’s chambers. They will talk about everything and nothing together, but today they don’t talk at all.
It makes sense that Arthur is mostly ignoring him during dinner since they don’t want to give anything away about their courtship, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make Merlin's stomach turn and not in a good way.
He tries to shrug the feeling off. It isn’t Arthur's fault they can’t really interact outside of his chambers. He gathers all his strength left in him and powers through the boring dinner.
When Arthur finally excuses himself, Merlin feels like he can breathe again. He follows Arthur to his chambers. When inside, Merlin tackles Arthur in a big hug.
“Are you alright?” Arthur whispers into Merlin’s ear while rocking them back and forth.
“I just missed you.” Merlin says and he can feel his eyes start to burn.
“I’ve missed you too.” And Arthur places a kiss on the top of Merlin's head.
They continue to stand like that for a while. Just wrapped up in their own little bubble. Not thinking about the outside world. Right now, they are safe and loved and that is enough for now.
“Merlin, I hate to let you go but I do have some things I have to finish.”
Merlin looks at Arthur and lets him go with great sorrow.
“Alright, but when you’re done I expect some kisses to make up for letting me go.”
Arthur looks into Merlin’s eyes and brushes their noses together.
“That can be arranged.” Arthur pulls away from Merlin.
“But only if you don’t do anything stupid the rest of the evening.” Arthur says while he walks to his chair.
Merlin lets out an offended gasp. “Me? Doing anything stupid? I never do anything stupid. You are the dollophead here, not me.”
“Still not a word, Merlin.” Arthur laughs.
“Now go and enjoy the rest of the evening, I will see you later.”
Merlin walks over to Arthur to give him one last kiss and then leaves. His first plan was to go to Gaius, but he was working on a new medicine and the smell that comes with it is anything but pleasant. So, Merlin decides that maybe it is time to just drink away the feeling that has been eating at him this whole day and he makes his way to the tavern.
So now Merlin is sitting in the tavern alone, staring at his ale. He knows Arthur could feel that something was different today. He knows that that’s the reason Arthur hasn’t really made fun of him today like he normally would. Arthur knows that at days like this Merlin needs the extra reminders that he is loved.
He smiles a bit at that, because who would have thought that the Arthur he met at first could be considerate and even sweet. He loves Arthur with his whole being, but that isn’t why his heart aches. The problem for Merlin is the fact that he can’t show the world how much he loves his prince.
It hurts having to hide part of who you are. He thought those days were mostly over since he told Arhtur about his magic, but he didn’t think hiding their courtship would feel the same, if not even worse.
He longs to be able to hold Arthur’s hand when walking to the council meeting. He longs to be able to kiss Arthur anywhere, just because he wants to. He wants to be able to show to all the princesses that come for Arthur’s hand that he is the lucky one Arthur has chosen.
Merlin is woken from his thoughts when he feels someone approaching him. ‘Great.’ He thinks ‘Just what I wanted today. To fake a smile and talk to someone right now.’ When he looks up however he doesn’t see a stranger or a friend. He sees Arthur.
Arthur takes the place opposite of Merlin and orders an ale. Merlin tilts his head in question and looks at Arthur.
Arthur smiles a bit. “I couldn’t find you when I was done. And I can’t go to sleep if my manservant hasn’t prepared everything so I went and searched everywhere. This was my last hope.”
“Well, here I am. Lucky for you.”
“Indeed.”
Their conversation is interrupted by the innkeeper giving Arthur his ale. They don’t pick up their conversation. They aren’t able to talk about anything real anyway here in public. However with the feeling of Arhtur’s knees against his own, and Arthur’s eyes gazing into his own he gets the feeling that maybe everything will be alright.
He doesn’t really need to kiss Arthur anywhere he wants, as long as he has Arthur. Because being with Arthur is a wonder in itself. He knows it won’t be like this forever. When Arthur is king he will probably bring in many changes. Courtship between two men or two women being legal being one of them.
So for now, he just has to hold on and keep going. Waiting for the day his prince will become his king.