Chapter Text
It had been three days since Kaveh last left his room.
At first, Alhaitham didn't think anything was amiss. Long periods without Kaveh were to be expected, especially with the passion and dedication the architect lovingly weaved into every project. He would designate entire days to sketching a building from every angle, dedicate weeks traveling just to oversee construction sites, and devote months to the creation of a masterpiece that both he and his client could be proud of for years to come.
On a bright, sunny morning, Kaveh burst through the door with an overflowing pile of scrolls tucked beneath his arm. His radiant smile put the sun to shame as he explained his newest project. After excitedly rambling to Alhaitham, he scurried into his room and shut the door. Alhaitham just smiled and kept reading. Everything was normal.
But then, Kaveh didn't come out for dinner.
“Kaveh.” Alhaitham rapped on the door. “Time to eat, come out.”
“I'll…be out soon.”
“Do you want me to bring it to you?” He nudged the doorknob, just a tiny bit and-
“No!” Kaveh’s reply was sharp, harsh, and sudden. “I mean, don't come in here. Please, I need some time.”
Alhaitham shrugged. “Alright. Come get it soon.”
Kaveh’s soup grew cold as it sat on the counter, as minutes became hours. Alhaitham remained in the living room. He kept himself busy with his texts, although he retained not one bit of information after hours of distracting himself.
Whereas Alhaitham led a structured and precise life, Kaveh was not a man of habit. He followed his heart, doing what he felt was right in the moment and leaving most things up to chance and luck. Yes, he did often sacrifice sleep to work and yes, he did not pay attention to his own needs…but he'd usually come out for something, even if it was a single zaytun peach or bottle of beer.
After a few hours, Alhaitham gave in. He reheated Kaveh’s soup, grabbed some sweets from Kaveh’s ‘hidden’ stash, and knocked on his door once more.
“What is it?”
“Dinner. The very same dinner you conveniently forgot about and left sitting out all night.”
His only response was silence. Uncomfortable silence.
“Kaveh.” Alhaitham knocked again. “I'm coming in.”
“Don't! Just leave me alone Alhaitham, I don't need this distraction right now!!”
He sounded hurt. Alhaitham didn't want to leave him like this, but if he continued to push, there was no telling what Kaveh would do…no telling how far he'd distance himself, how he'd likely retreat into further isolation fueled by his own self-hatred.
That night ended with a bowl of soup on the floor, a measly offering of sweets, two closed doors, and the overwhelming air of uncertainty.
Dawn of the second day came at an excruciatingly slow pace. Alhaitham barely slept, his mind fixated on reasoning through Kaveh’s odd behavior. It was a sharp contrast to how he acted the morning before…what could have caused the change?
When he got up, that bowl of soup was still there. Untouched, uneaten. Alhaitham set a mug of mint tea beside it and left for work.
Both dishes were gone when he returned. A bittersweet smile crept onto the lonely scribe’s face.
For dinner, he made salad; a dish that would be palatable after many inevitable hours on the floor.
In the dark folds of the night, a few loud thumps were tucked between hours upon hours of silence. Sickeningly loud, they all startled Alhaitham from sleep. Each time, he ran to Kaveh’s locked door. Each time, Kaveh loudly pushed him away, yelling the moment he heard Alhaitham’s hurried steps on the hardwood floor.
The missing salad bowl and Kaveh’s conscious responses were Alhaitham’s only bits of comfort.
Usually, Kaveh didn't occupy this much space in his mind. I mean, surely he didn't. All those stolen glances and extra steps to keep him around must not have meant that much. Only enough to fill a book or a shelf in the library of Alhaitham’s mind…but now, he found those tidy bays overturned. Nothing made sense, none of the books were in order. Everything was in disarray. The only thing there was the numb, unfamiliar feeling of dread.
On that third day, Alhaitham did all he could to keep his mind busy, distracted, and in order. He cleaned, he wrote, and he read and reread the same texts. He tried not to linger at Kaveh’s door; he failed to do so. At night, he left that overwhelmingly suffocating house and walked up and down Sumeru’s streets in the dead of night with the moon as his only companion. Silent and grand, it shone upon him with a vision of great wisdom.
“Alhaitham?”
A high, sweet voice cut through his foggy mind. His eyes darted back and forth, searching for the voice’s owner (as he hoped he wasn't going insane). A small little ‘ahem’ brought his attention…lower. Nahida stood there, glowing in the moonlight.
“Oh, it's you.”
She gave him an earnest, concerned look. “Is everything alright? I don't usually see you out this late. You do value your rest deeply.”
“It's virtually impossible for me to rest.” Alhaitham groaned. “I wouldn't typically ask this, but can I confide in you?”
“You're right, this is out of character. You must really care about whatever's bothering you.” Her eyes glinted as she said this. “I'm here to listen.”
“There's something up with Kaveh, he's acting stranger than usual. I’d be lying if I said I usually understand him, I don't possess the level of empathy one needs to feel like he does…but I do worry for him. Just a few days ago he was fine. Now he hasn't left his room and won't let me in. I need to know what's wrong.”
“And this definitely isn't usual?”
“Not at all. Even when he's working, Kaveh ends up sprawling all over our work surfaces and half the house. He needs space, yes, but he takes up a lot of it. When he's too trapped, he can't think.”
“Maybe that's what's happening now? He's been stuck in his room for days. During extended periods of isolation, people will recede further and further into their minds. Consumed by their own thoughts, worries, fears, and memories, they cannot cope with the real world while cooped up in their head…and Kaveh’s mind is especially unkind to him.”
A startling vision of Kaveh curled up and shaking on the floor flashed before Alhaitham’s eyes. He stumbled back, shocked.
“You see?” Dendro spirals drifted between the two. Nahida’s firefly eyes revealed it all. “He shouldn't be alone like this.”
“But, he told me to leave him alone. My presence tends to be upsetting to him, even when I don't mean to be.”
Nahida grimaced. “You two really need to work on communication. Kaveh, whether he wants to admit it or not, needs someone there. He won't easily accept your care but find a way to get it to him. Sumeru needs people like him around.”
What did she mean by that?
Before he could ask, Nahida had disappeared. The moon shone on as Alhaitham raced home- and she hoped the scribe wasn't too late.
꩜
“Kaveh!” Alhaitham pounded on the door, hearing it splinter beneath his fist.“Kaveh, let me in!”
“...I can't…” Smothered by sobs and sniffs, Kaveh’s voice was unrecognizable.
“Kaveh, I would prefer not to break this door down, the repairs would be costly.” He tried to bicker like usual, to make things feel like usual, but couldn't find the right words. “I need to come in now, please.”
Indiscernible whispering seeped through a crack in the wood and Alhaitham pressed himself close to the door, straining to hear. Suddenly, a loud mechanical beeping alerted him to move.
Mehrak floated at eye level, having opened the door itself. It had a worried expression, mirroring Alhaitham’s reflection in its monitor. Just behind the toolbox was Kaveh. He had collapsed on the floor. His knees were drawn tight against his chest, making the architect seem impossibly small. Blond hair cascaded around him, concealing his face. Torn-up blueprints and crumpled papers formed a ring around him. Alhaitham recognized a few sketches, some even being his dream projects. Nothing like that mattered anymore.
Alhaitham sank to his knees. He reached out for Kaveh, barely brushing his fingers against his elbow before he jumped back.
“Kaveh.”
“Please…” His voice was faint, distant. “...you shouldn't see me like this.”
Normally, Alhaitham would've teased him, saying that ‘he had seen him worse’...but, he couldn't get any words out. He just moved closer, until his legs brushed against Kaveh’s shaking form.
“Tell me-”
“I just want everything to stop.” Kaveh shifted, balling fistfuls of matted hair as he folded in on himself. “I'm tired. I’m tired of living.”
“What are you saying, Kaveh?”
Kaveh stared through him. It was the first time he'd seen the architect's face in days. His eyes, once made of shimmering padparadscha sapphires, were now cold, empty husks. If it weren't for the years and years he spent staring into those very eyes, Alhaitham would hardly recognize them. Those weren't the eyes of the man he loved…they just couldn't be.
“I want to die. Just be done with it all.”
At that moment, it was as if all light had been snuffed from the world…Alhaitham’s world, at least, for his world was Kaveh himself. He felt his heart drop, sinking like an anchor in some deep, uncharted sea. He felt his blood run cold. He felt tears, hot and stinging and foreign, clawing at his eyes. He felt himself move. He felt Kaveh’s hair, dry and coarse, against his fingertips.
“You can’t want that.”
“Please, like you can tell me what I can and can't-”
“That's…not attainable. Not feasible. You always have your head up in the clouds, dreaming up fantasies that can't be put into action.” Alhaitham gripped Kaveh’s shoulders, ignoring how bony they felt in his grasp. “Tell me something you want that's actually achievable.”
“You…!” Kaveh glared and Alhaitham saw the faintest glimpse of light, deep in his eyes. He pushed everything else aside to chase that light, the only chance he had to reach Kaveh.
“Or are you unable to do that? Do I need to suggest something for you?”
He laughed, all weak and grating. “Like I need suggestions from you of all people.”
“Alright then.” Alhaitham leaned back, putting on a smug facade. “Let me hear these wonderful ideas of yours.”
“I want to move out of this house.”
“Not feasible.”
“And why's that!?”
“You'd have nowhere else to go, you haven't paid the rent for this month yet, and frankly, you're too emotionally unstable to survive on your own right now.”
“Seriously-”
“Another.”
Kaveh huffed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “No matter what I say, you're just going to say it's illogical or inconceivable. I'm getting nowhere with you.”
“Untrue. Try again, think of something you actually want and could get at this moment. It's simple.”
“...I want some soup.”
Alhaitham stood, hiding his pleased smile behind the tall brim of his cloak. “See, that wasn't so hard.”
He took Kaveh’s hands and pulled him from the floor. The architect stumbled, slumping against his roommate. His legs wobbled and his joints ached and even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, he held onto Alhaitham. Mehrak beeped, gliding over to support Kaveh’s side as they eased out of his dark, dark room.
Hidden from Kaveh’s view, Alhaitham continued to smile.
Bright moonlight cast their home in otherworldly hues. Drifting through a lilac dream, Kaveh felt his eyes grow heavy. If it wasn't for Alhaitham’s firm, steady arm around his waist, he'd surely believe this was a dream.
To Kaveh’s surprise, the house was spotless. The books were dusted and organized. Every pillow was perfectly placed on the divan, exactly how he liked them. There was no pile of overflowing documents or discarded books here and there. Even Kaveh’s paintings, the ones he could never straighten himself, were perfectly plumb.
“Oh, so you can clean without me,” Kaveh groaned. “You just choose not to?”
Alhaitham shrugged. “It's a monotonous activity, I’d rather not do it…but I didn't want you to concern yourself with it after this giant project.”
'Woah, that was…surprisingly thoughtful of him', Kaveh thought. “...Alhaitham-”
“If you tried to clean on barely any sleep, you'd just end up making a bigger mess. Then I'd be forced to clean more anyways.”
Kaveh's smile slid off his face. “Ugh, never mind.”
Carefully, Alhaitham eased Kaveh onto the divan. The ever-growing pile of decorative pillows welcomed him home, allowing his aching body to rest. He sighed, relishing in the feeling. He hadn't relaxed in days. Seeing that its creator was safe, Mehrak vanished with a satisfied chirp. Alhaitham left as well, presumably to make soup, leaving Kaveh alone with the moonlight and his thoughts.
His cold gaze was fixed on their table. He traced scratches along the stained wood, feeling all the bumps and edges beneath his fingers. The wood was beautiful, a deep, masterfully crafted plateau of browns and reds. He reminded Alhaitham over and over not to ruin it, to move his books elsewhere and use coasters with any drinks…but, in the end, Kaveh was the one who caused the damage. Drunken nights, a general lack of awareness after all-nighters, and all the countless collapsed prototypes that dented the table caused it to lose its luster as time went on. To Kaveh, it was a constant reminder of his inadequacy, of all his foolish mistakes and whims.
Kaveh was about to throw himself upon the table and repent when a bowl of minty bean soup was set before him. “Don't eat too fast,” Alhaitham said, pushing the divan closer to the table before sitting down beside Kaveh and cracking open a book.
Warmth radiated from the bowl. Kaveh could already feel himself loosening up as he sat up to eat…but his hands couldn't stop shaking and within seconds, his spoon fell into the hot, hot soup. That hateful feeling crawled up his back. It grabbed the back of his head. He clenched his eyes shut, kept biting tears at bay because he couldn't cry now, not in front of Alhaitham.
Hot liquid pressed against his lips. It was warm and delicious, filling him up like liquid sunshine. Kaveh’s eyes flashed open to see Alhaitham right before him, holding a new spoon to his mouth. Sharp, vibrantly turquoise eyes were skillfully trained on his lips. He glanced up, his gaze softening. “Did I make it right?”
Tears rushed to Kaveh’s eyes. “Yes…” He smiled and Alhaitham mirrored the bittersweet expression.
“Then, would you have a little more?”
Kaveh nodded, accepting the next spoonful. Refreshingly smooth and minty fresh- the soup rejuvenated him from the inside out. Those tears streamed down his face…but he felt happier than ever. Within minutes, Kaveh was ready for seconds. He ate the next bowl himself, his hands finally steady enough to hold the spoon.
As he devoured the soup, blissfully unaware of his surroundings, Alhaitham studied his appearance. Deep bags beneath his eyes indicated he hadn't slept in days. One of Kaveh’s favorite things was his hair, but now it was dirty and knotted. His arms were raw and red, his nail beds caked with charcoal and dried blood. Alhaitham was resisting the urge to pull up Kaveh’s billowing sleeves to further assess the damage he'd done when-
“-haitham?” Kaveh’s hand waved before his eyes. “Everything ok?”
“Yeah, I was just thinking.”
“Well, obviously. About what?”
“Eh, nothing you should concern yourself with.” He leaned back, tearing his eyes away from Kaveh. “Are you still hungry?”
Kaveh gave a wry laugh, his eyebrows furrowed. “I think if I ate any more I'd just throw it all up. That'd be pretty wasteful of me.”
“That is not the way you should be looking at that.” Alhaitham shot him a glance. “Just let me know when you need food again. Anything else you want now?”
“...right now, I really just want to take a bath. It's been days and I feel disgusting.”
“Mmm, not yet. Your stomach is still digesting and demands an ample flow of blood to do so. If you take a bath now, you'll compromise the digestive process and risk passing out or throwing up.”
“...and why is it you know this?”
“Because I'd rather not experience unnecessary discomfort, especially if it's easily avoidable. Go bathe once you've waited a bit.” Alhaitham opened his book once more. This action signaled the end of their conversation. Kaveh sighed, collapsing against the divan’s plush mattress.
As warmth coursed through his body, Kaveh’s eyelids began to fall. The comforting hues of their home, so welcoming and familiar, vanished into darkness. All that remained was the smell of fruitful flowers and the soothing sound of Alhaitham flipping through page after page. Kaveh reached out, his hands brushing against Alhaitham’s lower back (if he was fully awake, he would've laughed at how the scribe jolted at the contact).
He tugged on his shirt. “...wake me in twenty…”
And just like that, Kaveh was out. He fully slumped against the divan, hands falling by Alhaitham’s sides. Slowly, Alhaitham sat further back on the divan, resting against its slanted backboard. This way Kaveh was right beside him, his cold hand pressed against Alhaitham’s back.
It reassured him to see Kaveh at ease. A peaceful smile danced upon his lips as he mumbled, drawing closer and closer to Alhaitham before latching onto his waist. He tried not to overthink it, reminding himself that, logically, Kaveh was just subconsciously seeking out his body warmth.
After a minute of stealing glances and ensuring he was indeed asleep, Alhaitham put down his book. He resisted the urge to run his fingers through Kaveh’s hair, knowing that would cause even more knots, split ends, and the possibility of his fingers getting caught in tangled golden strands. Instead, he rested a hand atop the crown of his head, lightly caressing his hair. It was rough and coarse beneath his fingers, but Alhaitham barely noticed.
Lightly, he lifted Kaveh’s chin with his other hand. Bathed in moonlight, Kaveh’s tranquil visage was…unsettlingly still. Almost deathly so. Alhaitham’s mind was brought back to Kaveh’s cold, solitary room, to his beloved curled up against ruined dreams and visions of the future.
“I want to die.”
Those four words repeated themselves over and over and over again, consuming Alhaitham’s thoughts. Just how long had he possessed these feelings? Were they always with him, tainting the good times and exacerbating the bad? When Kaveh stared wistfully, longingly at the world from up high, in what light did he see it all?
Alhaitham brushed his fingers along Kaveh’s cheek. He nuzzled closer, smiling into Alhaitham’s palm as he went to cup his face. Warmth radiated from his soft skin, setting Alhaitham’s own cheeks ablaze. With the utmost care, he leaned down and planted a soft kiss against Kaveh’s forehead. Then, hooking an arm snug around his back, Alhaitham laid Kaveh’s head against his chest and began to read once more.
Twenty minutes passed in the blink of an eye. Begrudgingly, Alhaitham unraveled Kaveh’s arms from around him. This proved to be rather difficult, as even in sleep Kaveh wasn't willing to let go of him. He laid the architect carefully against the pillows and propped himself up, hovering slightly above Kaveh’s sleeping form.
“Kaveh…” His whisper was a quiet, tender caress against Kaveh’s ears. A smile graced his lips as he saw the architect stir. “Time to wake up.”