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Even I find it hard to believe that Alhaitham and I have been dating for a year. Well, actually, it hasn’t been a year yet, we still have one month left, but almost! And worse than that, can you imagine how it feels when the guy you’ve been dating for eleven months has only told you he loves you four times? FOUR TIMES! In ELEVEN MONTHS!
At this point, I can only hope for an ‘I love you’ as an anniversary present! But I doubt that would even cross his mind. Actually. Would he even care to celebrate it? ‘If we were to celebrate that, we might as well celebrate every month, week, and day until all we do is celebrate instead of having properly fulfilling lives’ I can already picture him saying something like that!
But going back to the topic. I truthfully just can’t understand! As for me, I make sure to at the very least tell him that I love him at least one time a day! Even when he has done nothing but annoy me, and even if it’s the last thing I do before I fall asleep! I believe it’s important to remind those you care about that you love and appreciate them and… you never know when something may happen. One day they can just disappear, be gone, and… you’ll be lonely. We have to use the time while we have it. And well, now that we’re actually dating, that’s just the most reason to tell him. Especially because we’re arguing the whole time. It’s easy to forget that there’s much more to our relationship than just quarreling over the most stupid things and that even when I’m angry at him, I still love him deep inside and understand that our fights don’t come from hatred towards each other but just from a difference of philosophies… or him annoying me for fun, that is. But I recognize that taking my anger on him is the only thing that keeps me sane instead of losing my mind because of my stupid clients who know NOTHING about architecture and instead feel entitled to keep complaining and making requests and I just…
Well, anyways. I lost my train of thoughts a bit there. What I meant is that we all deserve to hear that and be reminded that we are loved. And given the particularities of our relationship, I find it especially important, hence I tell him every day without fail, and yet… it doesn’t ever cross his mind to say it back to me. I get that I may overdo it, but isn’t it natural to tell your partner that you love him every now and then?
Sure, I’ve gotten quite a few ‘Me too’-s as replies to my ‘I love you’-s here and there, but he often just answers by humming, nodding, or with a ‘Sure’, ‘Indeed’, ‘Of course’ or other oh-I’m-so-arrogant replies. It is even rare if I get a kiss or a proper smile in exchange. Don’t I deserve a bit of love too?
Is not that I doubt that he loves me… well, maybe I do doubt it sometimes but… I know he would kick me out if he didn’t want me around anymore. And he would stop indulging me so much and buying me stuff, cooking for me, cuddling me when I’m overwhelmed by work, or talking me out of my self-destructive thoughts… He’s not the type to go out of his way to help others if it doesn’t interest him, so I at least know he still deems me worthy of sharing his time. But sometimes it feels like we’re just friends who happen to sometimes kiss, hug, and so on. I think I know he loves me, but sometimes it feels like I’m deluding myself, that maybe he just has some other interest in having me around, and I egoistically keep calling it love for my own sake…
That’s why I can’t help but not feel excited about our birthday when I think about it. How can we celebrate our relationship when it feels like there’s none at all?
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham calls me from the corridor to the studio and I can’t bring myself to be happy about it. Often his mere presence lights a warm and kind flame inside me. He feels like home, and I love just having him around, as annoying as that can be sometimes… but whenever my mind gets clouded with these poisonous thoughts when I’m reminded that he might not actually love me, it becomes hard to look at him and even more to talk to him. “Will you be free around the week of the 26th?” Yeah. Yes, of course, I will. It's the week of our anniversary. I’ve been working my ass off to make sure I won’t have anything to do that day. Because it’s special for me. For us. Because it’s the birthday of this stupidly painful and absurd relationship.
“I don’t think so.” Haitham always says I can’t lie. That the words I want to say always show on my face before I open my mouth. And I know he’s right. I don’t even like lying! And I’m not used to it. In most cases, I don’t even understand the point of lies. Isn’t it easier for everyone to just be honest with each other? And yet, today I can’t help it, because right now I can’t see myself happily celebrating our relationship. I can’t even picture myself being happy about anything that has to do with him, actually. “I-I have a couple of projects that I have to finish. And… Hmmm… the construction for the new nursing home will start soon. Ah, yes, and I will need to be there to supervise everything.” Even though I told them from the start that I won’t be able to be there that day due to a previous ‘inamovable appointment’. And I’m working hard every-single-day to finish every other task on time before our anniversary. I will, of course, be free, because I want to celebrate it with him.
My actual answer –or something close to it– must be obvious in my face, because he sights and looks at me disappointed and… sad? “I understand. Please let me know if the situation changes.” He turns to leave again but seems to think twice when he turns back to me. One more second and he would have caught the tears in my eyes. “Kaveh, are we ok? I don’t remember having done anything to annoy you today. If I did, I can ensure you I didn’t mean it, and I’m sorry if I did.”
I shake my head. “I’m fine Haitham. Just… busy.” Once again, that hurt face of his. I wonder if I look the same. “Babe. I love you.” That does bring a little smile to his face, and I’m glad it does, even if it takes mine away.
“I know.” And just like that, he leaves me alone to cry.
But it’s going to be ok. We’ll be fine. As always. It always ends up being ok. Right?
It’s our anniversary. And it’s not ok. Nothing is ok at all.
I have of course the day free. Even when I told him I wouldn’t be, as days passed I couldn’t help but still work hard to leave the day empty. Just in case. Just in case something changed between us. I guess I may be an idealist after all.
And we live under the same roof, so I can’t hide that my work is done when the only thing left for me to do is sit on the couch and play the dutar a bit; in hopes music will lighten the oppressive and tense mood which seems to have overcome the usually calm and radiant ambiance of our home. Today even the green-filtered light that comes through the windows feels weaker and muted. Or maybe is my gloominess that makes me see everything darker; emotionless; sad.
We have barely talked since that day. Alhaitham has been distant and so have I. Because I just can’t stand him. Not as usual. On a regular basis my ‘I can’t stand him’ is not exactly true. If it was, I wouldn’t keep coming back to him, over and over again, as he accepts my anger and helps me vent the pent-up stress. No. This time I can’t stand him for real. Because it’s painful now to share a house and bed.
How am I supposed to look at him straight in the face when I just want to punch him!? He hasn’t even hugged me, and we don’t even face each other when sleeping anymore. I think he’s made some attempts to talk but… I couldn’t bring myself to. Not when I feel lonely while living together. And yes, I know that communication is the key to solving our problems, but there’s something in me stronger than my will to talk to him, and it tells me that he deserves to suffer as much as I am. Because I see the pain in his eyes every day and I hear his feet heavily drag on the carpet as if he also dreaded the time we have to spend together in bed. As much as it hurts me to see him like this, it also feels reassuring that I still have the capability to hurt him. To make him feel something. Because if I do… that may mean he still cares about me, right? At least a tiny bit… right?
But today I just feel lonely and regretful. When did we get it so wrong? Was it because I lied or were we doomed to this from the start?
To be honest, it’s almost a miracle that we’ve lasted a year together when we can’t stand each other most of the time, so likely this relationship shouldn’t have started at all… But thinking that is even more painful than any fight that we’ve ever had. I can’t imagine a life without Haitham anymore. It feels like he’s always been around. In one way or another, Alhaitham has always been there, our lives entangling with each other more and more over time. But maybe they grew so messed up that now we’re just suffocating each other.
The notes on my dutar turn sadder and sadder with my thoughts and I can’t help but cry to them. I wonder what Alhaitham would do if he saw me. But of course, he’s cooped up in the studio because I’m a petty liar. I am the one who doomed our anniversary to be like this and yet it’s me who’s crying for being alone.
Without realizing it, I leave the instrument aside and let my feet take me to the studio. Entering without knocking.
It makes me a bit happy to see his worried look when he sees my face, and how he stands up in the moment. But of course, he doesn’t move from there. How would he dare to come to me when we’ve done nothing but hurt each other for an entire month?
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. It’s so hard to word an apology, but I just want him to hug me and to hug him too. Even if it’s the last time because I ruined everything. “I lied. I was free. But I was angry… I’m so stupid. I miss you and… I’m sorry. I’m a horrible boyfriend.” Through the blurriness of the tears I see him approach me and his hesitation. But soon I feel the warmth of his arms surrounding my shoulders and bringing me closer to his wide chest. Finally. I cry harder and louder now as I cling to him. What would be of me if I lose this? Who will I become if I don’t have him by my side? It’s already so hard to love myself, will I ever be able to if I don’t have him around? “Don’t leave me. I love you so much. Please. I know I’m stupid, but please don’t leave me. I love you. I love you. Please…”
His lips leave small kisses on my head and his arms caress my back rhythmically while he shooshes me. I think I can feel tears wetting my hair too. Is it possible that I made him cry? For some reason, I can’t believe it. He must hate me now. I would hate myself. Or maybe I already do.
But how can our bodies fit so well when our personalities clash so much? How can I need him so much when all I can do is hurt the two of us? “I won’t ever leave you, Kaveh. I don’t know what gave you that idea but don’t think leaving you is within my capabilities anymore. I missed you too.” His words are cut and pained, something you would rarely hear from him. How did I manage to hurt someone like him so much? How could I be so stupid and thoughtless? In a moment I realize that I could never love someone who so heartlessly hurt someone like Haitham. Even if that someone is me.
“But I lied. And I ruined our anniversary. And our relationship. I always hurt you and…” And you don’t love me, because who would?
My silence seems to tell him something because he separates to look at me in the eyes. And I can see the dark trail tears have left on his cheeks, smudging the beautiful kohl on his eyes. I can’t look at him in the face. I don’t want to see what I’ve done to the person I care for the most. Not the reminder of how bad I am for him, how he deserves someone who won’t make him cry… but his hug is not allowing me to escape. “...and?” I can’t tell him. Just thinking about it… Bringing up my feelings may just start the break-up. Sure, it is unfair that even knowing how bad we match and how I hurt him I still want us to stay together but feelings are not fair, and I want to keep him around, even if it's just for a few minutes or seconds longer. “Kaveh, I usually understand what is going through your mind, but I have to admit that I have no clue this time. And I don’t think either of us is having or has had a good time this month. So please, please tell me what is going on so we can tackle it together.”
“No. No. I don’t wanna.” I can’t afford to lose him. I’d lose myself too! But it hurts so much. “I… I love you.” What am I doing? He nods. Of course. Of course, he does. “Do… do you love me?” I’m a mess. I don’t even know what I’m saying. Why am I asking? I don’t want to hear the answer. I must be a masochist.
But of course, Alhaitham wouldn’t ignore it. He would never leave a question unanswered. So he responds with that cocky smile of his. “I believe you already know the answer, don’t you?” And I don’t know how I will live anymore. How can I breathe when my lungs feel inundated and my heart seems to be stuck in my throat. I’m drowning. He has taught me what it means to be happy. How much companionship can turn the worst days into the best ones. How much feeling loved can teach me to love myself too. What does he expect me to do now but break in his arms, and cry so loud his words can’t reach me anymore?
When I come back to my senses, I realize we’re sitting in bed. In what used to be his room but it’s now ours. And I’m in his arms while he gently rocks me and caresses my back in circles as if I was a small kid with a stomachache. Like how my mother used to calm me down when I came back from class, crying for being the weird kid without a dad.
How did this happen? When did Alhaitham become like family to me? I have lost too much family already, how can I afford to lose more? How could I cause another loss? I’ve been so blind…
“I’m sorry.” My voice feels tiny and weak. Maybe I am still that small helpless child. “I’m a mess.”
“I know. But you needn’t apologize.” His voice is indeed soft and endearing. It makes me feel so small and so undeserving of all this care… “I knew what I was signing for when I took you in, and when I accepted what I felt for you, and when we started dating one year ago.”
“It was a good year.” While it lasted.
“Indeed it was.” Alhaitham’s fingers kindly comb my hair, tenderly undoing my braid that must have become a mess by now. How can things end when he still touches me like that? When I still feel so much care on his tender caresses? How can he not love me and still treat me like this? “We’re a bit late to celebrate it, but we still have some time today, if you’re up for it. Even though I would still prefer to figure out what happened beforehand.”
What? “Late…?” I mumble. Late for what?
“We started going out one year and around five hours ago. So it’s been a bit more than a year already. But conventionally people celebrate the whole day instead of the moment, hence in that sense, we’re exactly not late to celebrate it. Though before you told me you were busy, I was planning to take you somewhere, and by the time we get there, the day will have already passed. But I’m sure you can think of other things to do.”
It shouldn’t surprise me, but it still does to learn that he remembers even the moment we started dating and that he had planned something special, but then… “Do love me?”
He frowns and stops his gentle massage. “Again? Kaveh, you already know I do.”
And as relieving as it could be, that answer is what makes me explode. “NO! No, I don’t!” My fists hit his chest repeatedly, even though I don’t have enough strength now to actually hurt him. “If- if you’re so intelligent as to remember the exact moment we started dating then tell me. Tell me when was the last time you told me you loved me?” And of course, silence. “No, of course you can’t. But I do. It was almost three months ago. THREE MONTS. How? How am I supposed to believe you do love me when you never bother to tell me?” All he dares to do is blink while I scream at him, but once I’m done, his hands travel to my hips and rest in that spot that seems molded for him, as if he wanted to keep me in place, in check, close… as if he feared I would run away or something. But he still waits for me to tell everything I need to, even when my voice starts to tremble and my throat is begging me to give up forcing words out. “I know I’m no good for you, so I understand if you don’t love me. But you confuse me so much…” I can help but hide my cries in his chest. “You’re a Haravatat graduate, yet you can’t seem to tell me those three words. All your stupid words are to mock me and remind me how stupid and inferior I am with my idealist views. If you don’t want me anymore, just say it! What- what’s the point of keeping me around anymore!?”
A few seconds of silence pass and it feels like an eternity, yet my short, sparse breaths seem enough to keep my worthless being conscious through it as if there was an answer worth listening to at the end of the painful stillness.
“Kaveh…” But my name sounds like a punishment on his lips, and my heart feels heavy in my chest. As if it was being swallowed by the sands of the desert. Deeper into the ground, not worthy of being remembered or thought about. “It is because of my studies that I understand how unimportant words are, as what we seek from them is not their sound but the meaning behind them, which can be conveyed by plenty of other means. I thought you of all people would understand that. I love you Kaveh. And whether I tell you or show you, the meaning prevails.” One arm tightens its grip on my waist, pushing me closer until there’s almost no air between us, then he shamelessly takes my cheek and forces me to look at him in the eyes as he talks, as if he never had anything to hide or feel sorry about. And I am inevitably lost in those precious, beautiful aquamarine eyes that shine in liquid care. For me. Just for me. “As I see it, loving with actions instead of words can be more fitted to the specific person you’re targeting, and requires dedicated care and understanding. It’s because you’re so special to me because I want to keep you close forever, that I want the best for you, and that's how I chose to love you. I want to tailor my care for you. But if what you need is words, I will make sure to do that too. I’ll tell you until you get tired of it if necessary.”
I can’t keep looking at him. It’s so painful… My heart… I must look so ugly, crying in front of him, so close our foreheads touch lightly when I tremble. But he still kisses my tears and brushes them away with his thumb. But they keep falling unstoppably.
“You-you mean that I’m dumb for telling you ‘I love you’ so often instead of… putting an effort into it? Do you think I’m lazy and doing the easy thing?” My head feels so wrong. I should be happy. I should be basking on happiness. He loves me. Alhaitham loves me. That should be all I care about, but still, my thoughts keep circling against my will around the thousand ways why he shouldn’t. Why I don’t deserve it. “I hurt you so much, so why…?”
“Stop belittling yourself and putting words in my mouth.” His arms seem to envelop my whole being. It’s like I’m the most precious crystal vase, holding me so delicately as if I could break at any moment, yet so sturdily, as if he couldn’t afford to lose me either. “I admire and appreciate your effort for telling me even on our worse days. I see and recognize to what extent you try your best for me and for our relationship. And besides, don’t you realize you express it in actions too? Tell me, when was the last time you cooked what you wanted to eat for yourself? How many times you’ve changed your sleep schedule for me? Do you think I don’t notice every little thing you do? You’re the one who has kept our relationship alive and working this whole year, Kaveh. Not me.” He holds me in a way so we face each other again. So I can see the seriousness in his beautiful eyes; the truth in them. I… I never noticed how much I’ve changed my life for him. And if I think about it, there’s so, so much more. And it doesn’t even come close to how much he does for me. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. We’ve both changed so much for each other, to make this work, to find a way to. Because it’s not easy when we’re both such a mess. But it hasn’t been hard either. Even I didn’t notice, it was like breathing: Something that’s there, but happens without willing it.
Inadvertently, my body leans onto his again and I hide my face in the curve of his neck. How many times I’ve cried like this? Just how many times Alhaitham has dealt with me when I felt so broken I couldn’t break anymore? “I love you.” My whisper is as desperate as my hug. How did I think we would break up? How did I dare to think he didn’t love me? “I love you so much. Babe… I’m sorry. I was so stupid I… I hurt you, and I’m sorry.” His strong arms hug me again and it feels like home. Why did I need an ‘I love you’ when I had so, so much more already? I was so greedy… I am so greedy and yet he’s willing to indulge me anyway.
“I love you.” But it sounds so good on his lips, and when I ask him to say it again and “I love you, Kaveh.” It sounds like an art-piece. Like the sweetest melody ever. “I love you.” I’ll melt. I’ll die. I can’t. So I kiss him and he kisses me and Archons, I’ve missed those lips so much… “I love you.” Those lips that sing beautiful words on mine. “I love you more than anything, Kaveh.” We melt together and can’t believe we hadn’t done this for a month. I was torturing us, but as always, we’ll be fine. How wouldn’t we if we’re together? “Kaveh…” It really does sound like music. “I’m aware that it’s late, but I really want to take you there. Please.”
“Yeah.” We share a breath and I don’t know how could I ever say no if he begged me like that. “Take me there, please.” Wherever it is, I’ll go.
It’s a moonless night, but reflecting the lights of the Sumeru rainforest, it seems like it’s come down to the world to go for a night walk with me.
“Babe…” I whisper and he stops, allowing me to bring him closer and kiss him again. Whether it’s still today or tomorrow doesn’t matter anymore, because he’s still mine and yet I can’t seem to get enough of him. My moon. He sweeps me off my feet and in a second I feel the bark of a tree on my back as his lips make a mess on my neck. “Don’t tempt me.” The voice of the moon in disguise mumbles in my ear and only makes me want to tempt him more. “I would stay here all night if you asked, but I would prefer to keep going, we’re not far now.” No. I want to tell him. There’s no way I would willingly let go of him right now… if my curiosity wasn’t stronger than my will to hold him in my arms… and only because I know I can do that later.
He puts me down and leads me up a hill. We can see the whole of Sumeru City from here, though even with all the night lights, it doesn’t shine as much as Alhaitham in my eyes.
The moon crouches on the floor and starts cleaning up some weeds. Unsure of what to do, I get closer and see what’s behind them. “What…?” No, that’s not right. “Babe…” I place a hand on his back, gently trying to soothe the question I’m going to ask. “Who’s tomb is this?” I can already make my guesses, but they’re hard to confirm with all the greenery covering the inscription on the lapid. I bend next and help finish cleaning the area of innocent plants who didn’t know where they were growing.
“My grandmother’s.” Once clean enough, we both step back to contemplate the clean rock. It’s a simple tomb with not much ornament, but its placement makes it look magnificent. “She was a Kshahrewar scholar, like you. She always admired how Sumeru City and the Akademiya grew together with the Divine Tree. She said it brought her calm how our inventions and nature meshed together peacefully, so I buried her here.” I feel tears attempting to make an appearance, so I grab myself to Alhaitham’s waist for grounding. He, on the other hand, is smiling proudly at the beautiful scenery.
“I’m sure she would have loved it.” If we were to face the other side of the hill, we would see the Palace of Alcazarzaray. I never imagined something so important was so close… How did I never see it when I scouted this area? Alhaitham turns me so we see each other and leaves a small kiss on my forehead. I never had such a thing as a tomb for my dad, but I can’t imagine myself keeping a smile in front of it. Even now my eyes can’t help but water in front of my lover’s family, and yet he only worries about me, with no hint of sadness or longing. “Why here?” The curiosity is too big for me to hold it. Although the place doesn’t seem to move him as much as me, he still thought of it for our first anniversary. “I never pictured you as a sentimentalist. Did you want to introduce me to your granny?”
He shakes his head with a smile and kisses me shortly on the lips this time.
“I don’t believe she’s trapped here.” He chuckles lightly. “And if she’s around in any form, I’m sure she would have already seen you plenty of times.” His fingers tremble a little when he caresses my cheek and I can’t help but lean into the touch. Maybe he is holding some feelings he can’t afford to show. “But she’s my family, and so are you. She raised me and yet didn’t get to meet you in person, so at least you should know where she’s resting now.” Family. I now can’t help but sob at the thought, and once again Alhaitham holds me in his arms while I tremble. It feels like I had no one to call family in a long time.
“She knows I’m a mess then,” I mumble between whimpers and he laughs out loud with that beautiful and honest smile that seems like such a rare sight. “And how much I suffer for you.” It only makes him laugh more and I wonder if he was ever a cheerful child. We’re such opposites that he might as well have been one. Once he calms down, he tightens the hug as if he wanted us to meld together. “But so do you, so it’s fine. I’m glad Grandma raised you so well. She must be so happy to see how you’ve grown.” His smile is so heartwarming that it’s hard to think that we’re in front of his loved one’s resting place. I caress that smile, the unused tense muscles on his cheeks that come with it, and wonder… He had wanted to take me to such an important place on our anniversary and then… I lied and told him I was busy. “Archons, I’m so stupid… Grandma, I know I’ll make you worry,” I mumble to the wind, hoping that, wherever and however she is, she will listen, “but I love your Alhaitham a lot. I hope you can excuse my wrongdoings. I… I promise I’ll try my best to make him happy for as long as he allows me to.” He hides on my chest to laugh again, and that sound feels like a secret for the two of us. Still hung on the sound, I don’t realize when he steps back and conjures a book in his hand. It has a beautiful emerald cover and I don’t think I’ve seen it before.
For a second I fear he will just start reading, but instead, he extends it to me. “What?”
Taking it dubiously, I open it and start paging through it, but my eyes go to the handwriting on the first page that reads ‘May my child Alhaitham lead a peaceful life’. “She left it for me,” Alhaitham explains. “It was the first book of my own. Not of her collection, but mine. I have already read it countless times, and I wanted you to have it.”
“I…” How can I accept this? It is such a precious book, so full of feelings and meaning. “Babe, but… this is so important for you, I can’t accept this…”
But still, he smiles and leaves a slow kiss on my forehead. “We live together, remember? If I ever want to read it I’ll just get it from you. Still, I want you to be the one to keep it. She gave each member of our family one, including both my parents. She isn’t here anymore to give you one, but I know she would, so I want you to keep mine.” I hug the book to my chest. It suddenly feels even more than precious, and I don’t even want the wind to damage it.
“We’re family…?” I can’t help but whisper in extasis. It sounds so good, so right. “Haitham, I…”
“I know. I know, Kaveh.” Of course he knows how important this is for me. He’s seen me on my highs and my lows. He knows everything about me, and he’s done all of this for me. I would blindly believe that he had even planned every single word of that sentence exclusively for me. There was no way he wouldn't know how perfect this moment and those words would be for me.
“I love you. I love you so much.” I don’t know how right or how wrong it is to love him so much, or to allow him to kiss me so sweetly in such a sacred place, but as he whispers me words of love and the wind swirls around us, I get the feeling that it’s ok.
Of course it is. As long as we’re together, everything will be fine.
“I love you Kaveh.”