Chapter Text
It was a noisy bar for a Thursday night. A small neighbourhood comedy festival had pulled Nick and Charlie out to the local for an hour after dinner most nights for the last week. Tonight they’d found seats to the left of the stage, a few rows back. They were sitting in shitty pub chairs that had been haphazardly moved around to make a quasi theatre in a space usually reserved for tequila shots and bad dancing. Rainbow decals were dotted about in a way that said “being queer is chill and normal.”
It was about half way through the set when the comedian’s attention turned to Nick and Charlie - well, mostly Nick, and who could blame them? He’d worn that stupid short sleeved collared shirt that made his biceps look absolutely huge - you know, in a platonic kind of way.
“So - Nick - who are you here with?”
“This is my best friend Charlie!” With his eyes sparkling, he threw his (stupid) arm over Charlie’s shoulder and pulled him close. “Charlie is the best!”
Nick had enjoyed a couple of beers by this point in the evening and he was getting all warm and handsy.
“So Charlie! The best friend! No ladies with you tonight?”
“Well, I’m gay so - no. No ladies,” Charlie called back, braver than he felt.
“Gay, and single?”
“That’s me.”
“What about you Nick?”
“Ha, yep, I’m single too.”
“Right, and you’re here with your best friend who happens to be gay?”
“Oh yeah. Charlie’s more fun to hang out with than anyone else anyway!” Nick’s face was flushed from the beer and from the attention, and he was still holding Charlie fast against his side. Charlie didn’t like the direction this comedian was going but he was hot and heady and didn’t know how he could escape.
“And you know he’s in love with you, right?” the comedian shot back, a ripple of laughter moving through the crowd, “Charlie, your best friend who happens to be gay and is more fun to hang out with than anyone else?”
Charlie was so stupefied that someone could have tipped a bucket of ice water over him and he might not have noticed. The crowd was laughing - it sounded weird to Charlie, almost like he was underwater (maybe someone HAD tipped water over him?) Was this it? Was this how Nick found out his deepest secret, the one thing he promised himself he would never tell anyone, especially not Nick, his best friend - that he was hopelessly and entirely in love with him? Was this how their wonderful, beautiful friendship ended, Nick feeling creeped out and betrayed that his gay best friend thought about him in that way?
-
Nick watched as Charlie’s body language took on his standard “I don’t feel good” position - eyes firmly on the floor, shoulders hunched, torso rising and falling with controlled and focussed breaths. Nick relaxed his grip on Charlie but didn’t let go. He’d been by Charlie’s side through enough of these moments to know that a grounding touch helped to anchor him.
He turned his gaze back to the comedian who at least had the decency to realise that they’d maybe taken this in the wrong direction. Nick could feel the crowd’s laughter increasing in awkwardness, a collective sense of something shifting.
“Ah - do you want me to stop talking about this?” The comedian asked.
“Ha, yeah. I think that’s a good idea.” Nick replied, trying to find a balance between chill-dude-at-a-comedy-show and don’t-fuck-with-my-Charlie.
“Well you know - sexuality is fluid and - things change and - anyway. So, as I was saying…” But Nick didn’t hear the rest of the story or even the rest of the set. His attention was focussed entirely on the young man beside him, who’s cerulean eyes were firmly focussed on the ground.
-
Despite his increasing anxiety and the looming threat of a panic attack, Charlie didn’t want this set to end. The ending of the set meant he was going to have to face Nick and have the conversation he swore to himself he would never have to have. But despite his very best efforts to slow time down or freeze it entirely, time continued to flow past him. Eventually the comedian was giving a jaunty bow to heartfelt applause, and people were standing up and making their way to the exit. Charlie wondered if he could just stay here and not move - maybe Nick would think he’d turned into stone and he’d just leave him here, and they’d never have the conversation.
“Ready to go? It’s good they were running on time tonight so it’s not too late, I might actually be on time to work tomorrow,” Nick was standing and offering his hand out to Charlie to help him up. Charlie couldn’t make eye contact but he forced a fake grin and stood up on his own.
“Yeah, that’ll be a first. On a Friday no less!”
Yes. This was good. Keep things light and joking.
They left the bar together into the cool autumn evening. Nick’s car was only a couple of blocks away so they wandered in silence - not uncommon for the both of them - but Charlie couldn’t help the rising tide of anxiety filling up his chest like a high pressure balloon.
When Nick pulled over outside Charlie’s flat, he turned the car off entirely and turned to face Charlie.
“Is this a talk about it thing, or a not talk about it thing?”
And just like that the flood gates opened. Such a simple statement, a key phrase built up over years of friendship, a deep understanding of who he was as a person. The grief Charlie felt in the knowledge that this was the last conversation they would have - the last moment of their friendship - was insurmountable.
Nick placed one of his warm hands on Charlie’s leg and waited patiently. Nick was always so bloody patient. Charlie knew that once that hand was gone it’d be gone forever.
“I don’t want to pry, Char, but - this kind of feels like more than a “a comedian made fun of me” vibe and maybe - something else is going on?”
Eventually Charlie’s weeping subsided enough for him to start talking. “I’m so sorry. I just never wanted our friendship to be over. You must be feeling so betrayed and disgusted and I’m so, so sorry. I’m so sorry! And you’re so wonderful and I love you so much and I never want our friendship to end - but I should have been honest with you - and told you so you knew - where I stood. God Nick, you’ve been so wonderful to me and - God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. And I totally understand that you’ll never want to see me again -”
“Wait, what?” Nick cut through, his hand still firmly resting on Charlie’s thigh, “Charlie what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m in love with you,” Charlie spat out, a little louder than expected, “Like in a romantic way not just a friend way.”
The words hung in the air between them. Charlie realised that he was looking at Nick all of a sudden, getting lost in those warm brown eyes. How many times had he looked into them before this?
Nick’s expression hadn’t shifted in the slightest. His hand was still on his thigh. He wasn’t moving. “What?” He whispered, “How - what? What do you mean?”
“I mean what I said, Nick. I’m in love with you. And I never told you because I knew it would mean the end of our friendship and that would just - wreck me. But I guess the cat’s out of the bag now.” Charlie realised that he was still weeping, his face was wet. Nick’s hand moved - Charlie immediately mourned the loss of warmth - but it was soon on his cheek, thumbing away his tears.
“Char - I - Jesus.”
Charlie let out a morbid laugh, and lay his head back against the seat of the car. “Yeah,” He felt exhausted all of a sudden, all his bones heavy. “I’m really sorry. You’re a really wonderful friend and I’ve loved all the time we’ve spent together. I’m sorry I had to ruin everything by… well. Being me, I guess.” He turned to look at Nick one last time. He really was so beautiful. “Goodbye, Nick.”
The cold air whipped around him as he stepped out of the car and made his way up the short path to the front door of his flat. I’m gonna be okay, he thought to himself as he fumbled around with his keys, I’ve done hard things before and I’ll do them again.
But before he could get his keys sorted out, he heard a slam of a car door and footsteps hurrying towards him. Charlie turned to watch Nick running up the path, a look of determination on his face. He stopped in front of Charlie and wrapped him in a classic Nelson-style hug.
“Jesus Christ Charlie you’ve gotta give a man a chance to process shit like that before just running off! Holy fuck,” Nick was panting despite the distance from the car to the door being so short, “I wasn’t not replying because I was - I just - I just needed minute to - bloody think - holy FUCK.”
Nick pulled away and held Charlie at arm’s length.
“Fucking hell Charlie Spring I’m in love with you too. In a romantic way. Not a friend way. A full on full gay in love with you,”
Nick was grinning widely at him now,
“fucking HELL! Jesus FUCKING Christ CHARLIE you can’t - don’t leave me hanging like that - you KNOW my brain is a fucking slowpoke - FUCK,” he yelled, and pulled Charlie into another tight hug.
Meanwhile, Charlie’s brain was trying frantically to catch up - and in the interim all he could squeak out was: “But you’re straight???”
Nick laughed then, an uproarious laugh right from the depths of his belly. “Yeah I thought so too up until, like, right now. And then - I realised I’d rather hang out with you, and spend the evening with you, and go to comedy shows with you, and have meals with you, and text you, than do that with anyone else. And then I thought about how - how god damn stunning you are - and - how much I admire you - and - I realised that - it’s not just a friendship, what we have. It’s a friendship at the core but it’s something else too. And then - you walking away from me just now I thought - there is no way in hell I’m letting the man of my dreams walk out of my life because I’m too scared to face my sexuality. And FUCK I just - I love you! Like big time. Big time gay in love with you.” Nick was panting from his outburst, and Charlie was looking at the earnestness on his face and the sparkle in his eyes and -
Suddenly the front door opened and Charlie’s flatmate, Darcy, was there, a bemused expression on her face.
“Why the hell are you two out here in the cold making a bloody racket?” She asked, before observing the scene in front of her: Nick out of breath, face flushed, gripping onto Charlie’s shoulders for dear life; Charlie staring incredulously at Nick, as if he was an angel on earth. “Ah,” she said, “being gay. CARRY ON!” and she closed the door behind her.
Charlie caught Nick’s eye and they both fell into a fit of giggles, holding onto each other for support. Charlie looked up at Nick, eyes searching. “Nick are you - like are you sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured or - like I’m - manipulating you or -”
“Oh my GOD Charlie,” Nick replied, eyes rolling affectionately. “I am totally sure. Never been more sure about anything in my whole life.”
One of Nick’s hands was cupping Charlie’s cheek, and he was looking so softly and sweetly at him. They were so close - their breath mixing in the air between them - and with a surge of courage, Charlie leaned forward, and finally pressed his lips to Nick’s.