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March 25
Dear Madoka,
Today, you transferred into our class.
I hope it wasn’t too hard on you. Enrolling in a new school is scary, isn’t it? I know from experience. Walking into an unfamiliar classroom, introducing yourself to unfamiliar students…standing there in front of the digital board, your wavering voice swallowed up by the space around you. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry that I put you through that. But I didn’t have a choice, so I hope you’ll forgive me for troubling you just a little.
Mitakihara. The new version of our city in a world of my creation, where you can live a normal life in happiness and peace. Do you like it? I suppose there’s no point in asking. Either way, I know your answer. This place is identical to the Mitakihara we knew, and you loved Mitakihara, so you will love this too—but you will reject its nature and what it represents, so I suppose you will hate it in the end.
Hate…the word doesn’t suit you at all. Magical girls are destined to be corrupted by curses, but even though you were also fated to reach that inevitable end, somehow I always felt that it didn’t make sense for you to fall into despair. It is simply unnatural. In a whirlpool of darkness, you should be the only light; in a vast ocean of sorrow, you should float to the surface, as weightless as hope. Hope…I suppose that, to me, you were hope. The nature of my wish meant that to hope was to believe that you could be saved. If my faith wavered for a second, I would turn into a witch. And so, just like that, hope took the form of your smiling face.
There is no need for that anymore. In this never-changing city, there is only happiness and light. I have Kyubey to soak up the curses that still plague this world, and you will see nothing of it if you let me have my way. But…things can only remain like this as long as I can protect you. You have to let me protect you. I was a fool in the past, but I know better now. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself anymore. You can just be a normal girl, leading a normal life. Deep down, that’s what you always wanted, right? That’s okay. I won’t think any less of you. That strength and courage will always be yours, even if you never awaken to it. There’s nothing wrong with living an ordinary life. Rather, that’s the only happy ending that you could ever have.
Madoka, I don’t know how long I can keep you like this. One day, you will awaken to your true nature, and we will become enemies. I don’t want to fight you. I will do all I can to overcome you, but it would be easier if you could just accept that I’m doing this for you. Won’t you let me be strong for you? Won’t you let me protect you? I am alive because of you. I fought because of you. I created this world because of you. The only thing I want is for you to be safe and happy. Your solution would have saved me, but it would have exposed your powers to the incubators. Perhaps you could have defeated them eventually, but perhaps you might not…and I want to protect you from that eventuality. So, please…please grant my only wish.
Yours Sincerely,
Homura
March 30
Dear Madoka,
I know that you’re wary of me. You’re too kind to be overtly suspicious, so you peek at me when I’m not looking, and you stare at me when I go to the digital board to solve equations. Sometimes, when I leave the classroom, I can feel your eyes following me. And when they do, I…
You’re still wearing those red ribbons. Do you like them? I suppose you must, since they were originally yours. I don’t know how many times I held them when you were gone, gazing at them under the moonlight, longing for the day I’d meet you again…but, well. They really do look better on you. And now that I’ve betrayed you, I no longer have the right to touch your gift.
Yes…I’ve betrayed you. I’ve betrayed your sacrifice, betrayed your kindness, betrayed everything you stand for. You considered me your best, most precious friend…and I tore you from the heavens. This must be the end for us, then. I will be banished from your heart forever. You will never want to see me again. But then, you are a very sweet girl. You are the kindest, most understanding person on the planet; so, perhaps you will forgive me. Perhaps you will see through me, see inside me, and tell me that it’s okay. Perhaps you will take my hands, grip them tightly, and look into my eyes—and in that moment I would die, Madoka. I would wither beneath the tenderness of your gaze. You can’t forgive me. You shouldn’t forgive me. You are too good, too pure, too…everything. Yes. You are everything. There is nothing without you, nothing of worth if you aren’t there. If you were gone, the world would be ugly and incomplete. The colours would disappear, the air would grow still…even the sunlight would vanish. And…
Forgive me. My thoughts are jumbled; I don’t know what I was trying to say.
You seem to be doing well. You’re still new to our school, so I’ve seen you get lost a few times or struggle with class…but you haven’t given up. You’re going to be okay. I knew you’d be okay. When you’re faced with an obstacle, you don’t melt in a puddle of fear; you’re scared, yes, but you press on and find a way around it. That’s how you’ve always been. It’s just one of the things that makes you incredible. I remember all those long nights we spent together, texting each other in bed, when everything had gone wrong…even though you were terrified, even though your heart was breaking, you didn’t give up. You were always so strong. There’s a vulnerability to your strength, a fragility; yet you shine like the sun. I’ve never been like that. If you are the sun, I suppose I must be the moon—I am strong because you are strong, I fight because you fought. I don’t have any light of my own, I only know how to reflect yours. And everything I’ve done was for you. Everything. All of it. Even now. Even this. Even though I’ve betrayed you…
But I will continue to fight for you, all the same.
Yours Sincerely,
Homura
April 5
Dear Madoka,
I see that you and Miki Sayaka are getting along well.
Perhaps it was inevitable. You were childhood friends, after all, even if in this world you drifted apart. No matter the timeline, you and her have always been drawn together across time and space. Well—maybe not always. After all, in the first two loops, she didn’t contract at all. Back then, the one standing by your side was…
But I have no cause for bitterness. I can have none, for I have betrayed you so completely, so thoroughly, that I can never again be your friend. Things should remain as they are. Sayaka may be a fool, but she is a far better person than I. She deserves to be with you. My heart will break when I hear her careless laughter; yet that is how it should be, for it is right that I suffer for my love.
Love. That is the one thing I have that Sayaka does not. Well, I suppose she certainly loves you to a degree, but her love cannot hold a candle to mine. It is a normal love, a small, sweet thing. What I feel is different. My love has swallowed universes. It is infinitely wide, infinitely deep, ever expanding, pulsating, warm, desperate, passionate. Every cell in my body is bursting with love for you. I think I was created to love you. There was nothing before you, and there is nothing after. Madoka. Madoka. Even the sound of your name makes my heart sing in joy. You filled my soul with light, and in return I loved you. I loved you like an inevitability. I loved you like a universal law…and so I tore you from the heavens in the end.
It doesn’t matter if you never talk to me again. I did this because I love you, wholly, completely. The pain I feel when I see you with Sayaka, when I remember my betrayal, is proof of my devotion; so, it is precious. I hurt because I love you. I want to die because I love you. Ah…it’s so pure, so beautiful, that I have to laugh. Sayaka could never do this. She could never love you the way I do. No one can. It would hurt them too much to rip the wings from your back. But I can, and I will do it again and again, because you are too kind and too giving to ever choose yourself over someone else. That is why I must choose for you. I choose you, Madoka. I choose you because you would never choose yourself.
And I choose you because I love you.
Love,
Homura
April 13
Madoka,
Please forgive me for watching you.
My familiars keep an eye on you at all times. After all, you almost regained your true form once before; it will certainly happen again, especially if you continue spending time with those people. It is an inevitability. This is who you are.
But I will deny you, and I will deny you again and again, because you deserve to be happy. Being a goddess isn’t what you really want, is it? Surely your dream can’t have been to sacrifice yourself and disappear to a place beyond memory? You told me as much, that night. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the false moon hanging in the night sky, the fake buildings receding into the distance, the artificial white flowers nodding around us under an imaginary breeze…and I remember you, the only real thing in that illusionary labyrinth, kneeling by my side. Your hands were warm. Your voice was sweet. Your eyes were big and bright, and when you hugged me, it was like my chest was about to collapse…
I will protect you. That is why I have to watch you. I can never be your friend again, and I can never live among you and the others again—but I will watch, eternally, in silence. Forgive me for this invasion of privacy. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have to.
In some ways, I suppose I have returned to where I was before I met you. Silently watching the world move around me, gazing through glass at the smiling faces of people…in my labyrinth, I gave myself a place among your friends, but that was just a comforting dream. This reversal only makes sense. When I made my wish and became a magical girl, I accepted that all the hope I tasted would be tainted by the bitterness of despair. Madoka, you filled me with so much hope. I don’t have the words to express what you did for me. And so, to counter that shining hope, it only makes sense that I would plunge into the deepest, blackest pits of despair.
Ah…my labyrinth was a ridiculous, fleeting dream, but I wonder if you liked it. Did you like it, Madoka? Did you enjoy yourself? I can’t deny that it represented my heart’s desire. If it entertained you for just a moment, then it can’t have been that bad. No; no, that only makes it worse. It was self-indulgent. It embraced everything I wanted to embrace, everything I can’t embrace for your sake. Dedication has no reward. I told you that myself. This is the path I chose for myself when I became a magical girl, and this is the path I continue on now. Even if it only brings me sorrow. Even if it only leads me to despair.
If I was fated to be alone, at least let me do it to protect you.
I will do anything to protect you.
Please…
Love,
Homura
April 26
Madoka
I knew it.
If you spent enough time around them, your true form will emerge.
Luckily, I was able to prevent it. My familiars distracted them, and I appeared before you. I may have been a little rough. If I was, I’m sorry. But I couldn’t let you awaken. You deserve to be ordinary. I know you won’t let yourself stay ordinary, but you have to. You have to be happy, Madoka. You
Please
…My hands are still trembling. This will happen again, won’t it?
I’m sorry if I hurt you. I grabbed you roughly, and I’m sorry. I gripped your shoulders and
Please don’t bruise.
I don’t want to hurt you.
But even so, everything I’m doing is hurting you, isn’t it? Even though all I want to do is protect you. Even though I just want you to be happy. You won’t let yourself be happy. Why won’t you let yourself be happy? I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You, of all people, above all others, above everything in the universe. Please. Please, please
Why, Madoka??
This shouldn’t be affecting me so much. I knew it would happen. I saw you awaken before me once. Maybe a part of me hoped that it wouldn’t happen again. Delusional, stupid, foolish me.
Oh…
Yes, it is inevitable that we will fight. No matter how closely I watch you. You will find a way, because you are Kaname Madoka, and Kaname Madoka is an extraordinary girl.
I’m sorry.
Homura
May 2
Dear Madoka,
I think I should stop typing these letters.
It began as a diary of sorts; a collection of things I want to tell you but can never say.
But perhaps I shouldn’t have been feeding my thoughts after all. My love for you burns eternal; I am aflame with it, and there is no need to think about it or anything else. Thinking only brings me pain. It is a beautiful pain, and I relish it whenever I feel it, but all this rumination has only wasted my time. I need to find a way to stop you from fully awakening. I don’t think I will succeed, but I must try nonetheless. It was wrong of me to accept it as inevitable.
Since I became a magical girl, I have never been anything but determined; so, I must devote my time to higher pursuits.
Love,
Homura
May 11
Madoka
You awakened again.
I shot Kyubey afterwards. He doesn’t need to be conscious or healthy to soak up the world’s curses. And it’s his fault to begin with, anyway.
I don’t know how I feel anymore. Emotions slip over my body like rain on a statue. I’ve laughed more than I’ve ever laughed in my life. I’ve cried, too. I’m like a child that doesn’t understand feelings. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I’m not human at all. No…I am human, for love is the pinnacle of human emotion, but love is all that rattles inside me. There is nothing else.
I suppose this makes sense. I was empty before you, after all. I filled myself with you. Our relationship was likely never like that for you…I didn’t tell you much about myself, because I had nothing good to say. But you were everything to me. You were my world.
And then you disappeared.
I lived for you. I stayed alive after your sacrifice because I wanted to respect what you did, because you were noble and kind and I had to honour you, cherish you. It wasn’t hard, at first. But the days wore on, and memories of you dissipated beneath my fingers like untouchable mist, and I thought I was going crazy. Were you real? Were you a dream? If I died, would I see you again? If I just died…
In the end, I didn’t die, but here I kill myself all the same.
For the crime of hurting you, I deserve death as much as Kyubey.
Homura
May 17
Dear Madoka,
I previously gave in to temptation and wrote another entry, but I really will stop now.
If you ever read this, I suppose it will be because you went through my laptop to find out more about my plans. There’s nothing like that there—only these letters that I’ll never send. Should you actually be reading this…that would mean you plan to oppose me, right?
Madoka, none of the things I wrote here are things I can say to your face. I don’t have the right to do so. But if you read this nonetheless…I hope that you’ll understand me. You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t think you should forgive me. But maybe you can understand and let me protect you, because I’m doing this for you. All of this is for you. I promise that my intentions are pure. So, please…
Won’t you let me treasure you?
Love,
Homura
June 1
Madoka,
I love you.
That’s the only thing you need to know.
If I die fighting you…let me be remembered as someone who loved you. It’s a selfish, horrible request. But it’s what I want. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve your forgiveness or compassion. I don’t deserve your love. But I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that you are my dearest, most precious friend. And as the day of our inevitable confrontation draws near…
Please, remember me as the girl who loved you more than the universe itself.
That would be enough.
Love,
Homura