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Steve Rogers felt like giving up. This was an unfamiliar feeling. The scrawny boy who was too stupid to back away from a guy twice his size wouldn’t give up, he told himself. But he was no longer a scrawny boy. He was a tired man. It had been a year since Bucky pulled him out of the Potomac. He had no proof, only his gut to go by, but Steve swore it was Bucky who saved him. He still hadn’t found Bucky. All of Natasha’s leads led nowhere. Sam had been a big help but he couldn’t find any useful information either.
Steve didn’t like this one bit. All he wanted to do was shut his eyes and have Bucky there, holding his hand and cracking a joke like he would any time Steve was under the weather. Steve collapsed on his bed and shut his eyes. He decided he wouldn’t admit defeat. That wasn’t his way. He’d simply take a break from the whole ‘find my brainwashed best friend’ escapade, at least for a little while. He was about to get up and call Sam to tell him as much when his phone rang. Sam.
“Hey, man. Eat dinner yet?”
Steve’s stomach growled. “Nope.”
He knew this is an invitation to get him out of the house. Last he spoke to Sam he mentioned that he needed some space to clear his head. Sam was fine with it, said he was in need of a few days to himself too. Now that he decided on taking a break, Steve accepted. Sam needed to know. Natasha was off on a mission with Barton. No use bothering her now.
“Where would you like to go?” Steve asked while walking into his kitchen.
“Buddy of mine at the VA told me about this real good diner. They’re supposed to have the best milkshakes this side of D.C. You down?”
“Oh, you know it,” Steve replied eagerly.
Steve loved diners because of their huge menus; food to fit any mood. Steve’s mood right then called for pancakes. Breakfast for dinner, Steve found, was very popular in the twenty-first century.
Steve scribbled the address on the corner of the day’s newspaper before hanging up. It turned out that it wasn’t far from his apartment so he can walk there. Steve arrived shortly and saw Sam was already there. When Sam saw Steve he smiled widely and put his arm around him. Sam’s a hugger but Steve didn’t mind. They break away and head inside. For a place with a good reputation, it was small and a little rundown. Bucky would have said it added character.
A waitress with short red hair sat them in a booth.
“Glad you came out,” Sam said as he slides into the booth. “I was gettin’ worried for a sec. Thought you’d given up on him.”
Steve swallowed a lump that formed in his throat and sighed. On the way over to the diner Steve pictured the conversation he’d have with Sam going much differently. For one, Steve would’ve began the conversation saying he wanted a break, and secondly Sam would not have said anything to make Steve feel guilty. And yet, here they were. Sam really thought Steve was giving up on Bucky.
Sam’s words were like daggers on Steve’s heart, but he needed to hear them to put everything in perspective. Steve needed to find Bucky, not only to have peace of mind that his friend was alive and well, but to reassure Bucky that everything that happened wasn’t his fault and that he did not deserve it. Sure, there was the possibility that Bucky still didn’t remember him, but Steve was certain Bucky needed a friend either way. Steve would be that friend.
“It’s funny, I have a feeling he’s right under our thumb.” Steve replied while scanning the menu.
“I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s like on those murder mystery shows. Killer’s always close by,” said Sam.
A chill went down Steve’s spine at the mention of the word ‘killer.’ Bucky was a killer. A highly-skilled assassin, no less. It hurt Steve to think about how Hydra tortured him, turning him into someone who was on the FBI’s most wanted list. It also hurt Steve to picture a scared and confused Bucky wandering around aimlessly. Bucky was out there, somewhere, and Steve wasn’t going to give up. Sam wasn’t, and he knew for a fact that Bucky wouldn’t have either if it was the other way around, had Steve fell.
If Hydra had him we’d know..
Steve took a sip of water from the glass the waitress brought over to their table. Sam followed suit.
“Dude, that guy has been staring at us since the moment we came in,” Sam said after putting his glass down.
Steve wasn’t irked by a mysterious stranger in a diner but he turned around to glimpse at him anyway. Steve noticed he was wearing a black baseball cap and had shoulder-length hair. He looked harmless. Besides, he’s Captain America. He was used to people staring at him when they saw him in public.
“I wouldn’t worry about him. What I am worried about is whether you’ll be able to finish all your milkshakes. You did say you wanted to try every flavor.”
Steve was feeling relaxed, playful even, and willing to press Sam’s buttons. He really did miss hanging out with Sam. They had a lot of fun together when they weren’t concentrating on finding Bucky.
“Oh, is that what we’re doing? Forget the food and let’s just skip to the contest,” Sam chuckled while waving for the waitress to come to their booth. “Please cancel our orders. We’re both gonna have a mint chocolate chip milkshake instead.”
Steve noticed while Sam ordered that the waitress was looking out the window the entire time, very interested in what was going on in the parking lot. Steve looked out the window too and sees a group of men exiting a black SUV. The waitress furrowed her brow and nodded to the men when they come inside a few moments later. The men took their seats in a booth close to the kitchen. She walks away from Sam and Steve momentarily without asking if they wanted anything else.
“Did you notice she nodded at those guys?” Steve asked.
“Now who’s actin’ paranoid? They’re probably regulars and she knows them.”
“True...I don’t know. She just seemed distracted the whole time you were ordering.”
Sam simply shrugged.
All of a sudden a tray with empty glasses fell with a loud crash. Before the waitress came back with a broom Steve rose to the occasion and began picking up pieces of broken glass.
A few seconds later the waitress returned, broom in hand, and began sweeping. She swept a large piece of glass towards her foot and picked it up quickly. Steve’s eyes went wide as she darted towards him with the full intention of stabbing him. He caught her wrist before she could and pushed her to the floor. The men in the booth rose from their seats and aimed their guns at Steve. Their plan had set into motion. Before Steve could react Sam was by his side pointing his own gun at the men.
“Drop ‘em,” Sam declared.
“One against four? You are outnumbered, Samuel Wilson,” one of the men pointed out with a thick Russian accent.
“How do you know my name?” Sam asked.
“We’ve been tracking you and your Captain for a few weeks now. What a coincidence you show up here at my brother Boris’ diner.”
The man Sam and Steve assumed to be Boris stepped forward and did a mock curtsy.
“We know you’ve been trying to locate our asset. Tell us what you know and maybe we let you go.”
“It’s important that he goes back under ice,” another man said. He looked directly at Steve and smiled deviously. “He is dangerous, we are sure you know. Tell me, Captain, how loud did you scream when he shot you?”
Suddenly a bullet came from out of nowhere, going straight into the skull of the guy who was just talking. He collapsed instantly.
Steve turned his head and noticed the man wearing the baseball cap was missing. It had to have been him who shot the Hydra agent. He was the only man inside the diner besides Sam and Steve. Where was he hiding? Then it all made sense to Steve. The Winter Soldier— Bucky—was a master assassin who slipped through all his missions like a ghost. Clearly the shooter was Bucky. Steve felt a bit sick. He was right about Bucky being so close and that was why they were having so much trouble finding him. And here he was, a few feet away helping him and Sam fight Hydra. Steve was sticking to his theory. He picked up the discarded broom, fingers itching to hit Boris with it, when another bullet came flying from his right and hit Boris between his eyes.
Two more to go..
Steve looked at Sam and they both nod at each other before Sam started shooting at the two remaining Hydra agents. Steve goes after the waitress. Once again she had a piece of glass in her hand. Steve gripped the broom tighter and swung it at her, smacking her arms and shoulders. She dropped the shrapnel and was about to charge at Steve with a knife she grabbed from the table when Sam aimed his gun at her. Incredulous, she dropped the knife and ran into the kitchen. Steve and Sam follow her through the door and find her standing in the parking lot over Buck’s body. He was lying on the ground; she knocked him out cold. When she saw Sam and Steve she wiped the club she used to hit Bucky with a napkin she retrieved from her pocket.
“My uncles think they are so smart. Wait until our boss hears that it was me who finally found the Winter Soldier.”
She crouched down and placed her hand on Bucky’s forehead. Her hand was covered with blood. It took all of Steve’s will-power to restrain himself. He didn’t want that woman touching Bucky.
“Step away from him,” Sam yelled, his gun aimed right at the waitress’ temple. She stood, dropped the club, and put her hands up.
“He really thought he could hide with a beard and cap? I knew it was him the minute he opened the door, so I called my uncles. You kill the other two?”
Steve stepped forward. “They’ll bleed out if you don’t call an ambulance.”
In truth, Sam had only shot them in the arm so they couldn’t shoot back, but Steve wanted to see if he could make the girl nervous. She laughed cruelly instead.
“You think I care about them?” she spat. “I’m going to be rewarded! I caught the Soldier!”
“Mention him one more time and I swear this thing’ll go off.”
“I have my hands up. Surely you wouldn’t shoo--oh.”
Sam shot the waitress in the leg, feeling pleased when she fell downs on the asphalt.
“What do you know? I guess I’m not above shooting an unarmed assaulter.”
Steve rushed over to Bucky’s side. He patted around Bucky’s stomach and chest and made out that he hadn’t been stabbed or shot. Satisfied for that much, Steve looked at Sam with eyes glossed over with tears.
“He was sitting there the whole time! I should’ve reached out and protected him.”
Steve gently shook Bucky but his eyes didn’t open. Sam knew Steve’s guilt over Bucky’s circumstances followed him around like a loyal pet. He knelt down and put his hand on Steve’s shoulder. He gave it a squeeze.
“Hey, look at me. It wasn’t your fault that this happened, just like it wasn’t your fault that fuckin’ Hydra turned him into an assassin. We had no warning…just a couple guys going to grab some dinner. We gotta get him to a hospital.”
Steve held back a sob and swallowed. He needed to put Bucky’s well-being ahead of his own feelings of agonizing guilt and frustration, focus on the here and now. He could do that for Bucky. That was all he could do.
“What if someone recognizes him? I can’t lose him again, Sam! I just got him back.”
“I know, Steve, I know. We’re not gonna let that happen. C’mon let’s get him up and put him in my car. We’re taking him to the VA hospital. I know people there. I’ll pull some strings.”
Steve wanted to get on his knees and thank the Lord for Sam Wilson.
---
They stretched Bucky out on the back seat. Sam drove as fast as he could while Steve prayed that Bucky would make it. He had to. If Bucky could unravel years of brainwashing and save Steve from drowning, then he could survive a major head injury.
When they arrive at the hospital Sam talked to the nurse at the desk and explained Bucky’s situation, leaving out details here and there and adding in a few false ones, of course. Practically all the nurses knew Sam, so this nurse, Joyce, agreed to have Bucky be brought in through another wing, not the emergency room. Sam and Steve walked around the hospital and saw Joyce and another nurse, who Sam said was Tanya, wave at them.
“Now Sam, you’re sure this isn’t drug related, right?” Tanya asked as she helped Bucky onto the gurney.
“Absolutely not,” he replied.
“Okay. We’re putting him in room 307. Stay down in the E.R and we’ll come get you once he’s settled,” said Joyce.
Steve desperately wanted to follow the two nurses but he thought better of it. He would only be escorted out of the room by a security guard. He felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder.
“He’s gonna be okay. Joyce and Tanya are some of the best nurses working here.”
“What did you tell them?” Steve asked, cocking an eyebrow at Sam.
“Don’t worry about it. I got him a room without any paperwork. That’s all that matters.”
Steve smiled, albeit weakly, and pulled Sam into a hug. “Thank you, Sam. I don’t know how I’m going to repay you for this.”
“How about next time you choose where we’re gonna eat,” Sam smirked and clapped Steve on the back. Steve nodded in agreement.
---
Sam and Steve took a seat in the E.R waiting room. Sam flipped through a magazine whereas Steve sat with his head in his hands. His stomach was all in knots as they waited.
“He’s gonna make it Steve,” Sam reassured.
Steve sniffled. “I know. I remembered Bucky’s got some super-soldier serum inside his body too. He can heal quicker than the average human, just like me, but that still doesn’t make me feel any better.”
Sam put down the magazine and sighed.
“You know, it’s okay to express your feelings, Steve. Sometimes I think you’re so afraid to show me how you really feel but it’s okay. You don’t have to act like Captain America all the time. It’s okay to just be Steve.”
Steve rubbed his face. “Thank you, Sam. It’s just…sometimes I feel like I am burdening you with all of this.”
“You’re not. I want to help him too,” Sam said before grabbing Steve’s shoulder. “Why don’t you head on home and get some sleep? I’ll stay here with him.”
Steve let out an amused huff. “You know I can’t let you do that.”
“I know…just wanted to offer anyway.”
An hour passed before Tanya informed them that they can go see Bucky. Steve practically jumped out of his seat. When they got to room 307, the doctor treating Bucky closed the door behind him and faced Sam and Steve.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Fitzgerald,” he announced while extending his hand for them to shake. “We’re running the results from his MRI but he hasn’t responded to anything. It doesn’t look good.”
Steve felt his eyes prickle with tears. “Is he in a coma?”
“He suffered a severe head trauma and we need to make sure that there’s no bleeding. We’ll know for sure when we get back the results of the MRI.”
"Can we see him?”
“Yes, but only for a little while. We want him to rest.”
“Thank you, doctor,” Steve said. His face was wet from crying. Sam nodded to Steve, silently telling him it was okay to go in alone and that he would be outside if he needed him.
Steve’s heart shattered as he opened the door. He hoped Bucky had a concussion, but the possibility of him being in a coma was too much for Steve to handle. He took a chair and pushed it near the bed to be closer to Bucky. Steve grabbed his hand.
“Bucky? Hey, pal, can you hear me? It’s me. It’s Steve.”
Steve finally had the opportunity to look Bucky over and address how he changed. He grew a thick beard since their last meeting and it looked like he lost weight; he wasn’t all muscular. Bags had formed underneath his eyes and his long hair was knotted. Steve used his fingers to comb through them, hoping the entire time that Bucky would wake up. Steve wiped his face with the back of his hand and sniffled. He was crying again. Bucky was so different from the childhood friend Steve remembered. Hell, he didn’t even look like the Winter Soldier anymore apart from his metal arm.
So many questions were swimming through Steve’s brain. Where had Bucky stayed all this time? Did he remember anything about Steve? Would Bucky wake up and want to finish his mission?
“I’m sorry, Bucky. I’m so, so sorry,” Steve began. “I should’ve went looking for you. I feel terrible about what happened to you, and I swear on my life that I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. But I can’t do that if you don’t open your eyes. Please, Bucky, please open your eyes. Come back to me.”
No response. All Steve heard was the hum from the heart monitor that signaled Bucky was alive. A half hour passed and Steve’s eyelids started to feel heavy. He looked up at the clock. 11 o’clock. When he looked back at Bucky he observed his lips were moving as if to talk.
“Bucky? Bucky, hey, I’m here,” Steve called out. In a moment of panic he pushed the button to signal for a nurse to come. Slowly, Bucky opened his eyes. He searched around the room before his eyes settled on Steve. He took in Steve’s face as if he was seeing it for the first time.
“St-Steve?” Bucky said weakly.
“Yes, Bucky, it’s me,” Steve replied, relieved that Bucky was awake. He let the feeling engulf him like a blanket. “I signaled for a nurse to come. Can I do anything for you?”
Bucky pointed to the plastic cup on the table. “Water, please,” he answered, almost in a whisper.
“Okay, no problem. I can get you water,” Steve proclaimed as he grabbed the cup. He walked over to the sink, filled the cup almost to the top, and then held the cup up to Bucky’s lips.
“Where am I? What’s going on?” Bucky shouted after sipping some water.
“You’re at the hospital, Bucky.”
Bucky looked at him quizzically. “Bucky?”
Steve’s stomach clenched. “It’s your nickname. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes, but I call you—“
Before Steve could say anything else, Tanya entered the room.
“I’m so glad he’s awake. When did this happen?”
“About five minutes ago. That’s why I pressed the button,” Steve replied hastily.
Tanya took a small flashlight and shined it directly into Bucky’s pupils. Bucky raised his arm to shield his eyes from the brightness.
“Does the light make you feel dizzy?”
“No, it’s just annoying,” Bucky voiced to Tanya.
“Your pupils aren’t different sizes. That’s a good sign. You haven’t thrown up either. Do you feel nauseous?”
“No,” Bucky answered. “Why am I here?”
Tanya looked concerned. “You don’t remember anything about your injury?”
“No.”
Tanya turned and looked at Steve. “It looks like he has a mild concussion since he can’t recall what happened before his injury. It’s extremely common. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room. I need to take some blood.”
Steve got up from his chair. Steve was beginning to feel better because he knew the serum was working on Bucky. A short while ago the doctor told Steve he may be in a coma. Now he was up and talking. Before he left the room he turned his head and flashed Bucky a wide smile.
Once he closed the door, Steve pressed his ear against it, putting his advanced super-soldier hearing ability to work so he could hear what Bucky told Tanya.
“Who is that man? I heard him say his name is Steve.”
“Oh, honey, that’s your boyfriend. Don’t worry, its normal for patients who have a concussion to be disoriented, but in time you’ll get your memories back.”
“Okay. He’s cute, isn’t he?”
“He sure is. Blond hair. Blue eyes. He’s got that classic all-American look.”
“Can I go home?”
“Not yet, hon. The doctor wants to keep you overnight for observation.”
“Oh. Can Steve spend the night?”
“I’m not sure. Let me ask Dr. Fitzgerald. I’ll page him right now.”
“Thank you.”
Steve sat on the floor with his head against the wall. He stared up at the ceiling and replayed the conversation over in his head, very confused about why Tanya automatically assumed they were a couple.
“Oh, Steve! I didn’t see you there! Bucky is anxious to see you again,” Tanya said, shaking Steve from his thoughts.
“He is?”
The nurse smiled. “Yes, dear. He was smiling when I mentioned that I would ask Dr. Fitzgerald if you can stay overnight.”
“Thanks, ma’am.”
“I’ll be back,” Tanya said before turning on her heel and walking back to the nurses’ station. Steve turned the knob and entered Bucky’s room again. When Bucky looked up and saw that it was Steve his lips turned up into a smile.
“Hey, Bucky. How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay,” he replied.
“Can I get you anything? More water?”
Bucky shook his head and bit his lip. “Would you, um…can you hold me?”
Steve wasn’t sure if he heard Bucky correctly. “What?”
“I’d feel a lot better if you had your arms around me.” Bucky turned on his side and touched the remaining space on the bed.
Steve’s mouth dropped. Did this mean Bucky had regained all his memories during the months he was hiding? Bucky obviously didn’t want to hurt Steve like he feared. He was giving Steve a pleading look as he continued to pat the mattress. None of this made sense but Steve found himself getting into Bucky’s bed nevertheless, wrapping his large arms around Bucky. Back in Brooklyn, Bucky was always the bigger spoon when they huddled close together on cold winter nights. Now that their roles were reversed, Steve found himself missing being held by Bucky.
“I thought I lost you again,” Steve whispered against Bucky’s back, squeezing him tighter so he could reassure himself that Bucky was really here and not some hallucination he conjured up.
“I’m here, Steve. I’m fine…only I can’t remember what happened.”
“Can you tell me the last thing you remember?” Steve asked softly.
“I was at the lake. You were there with me…we were sitting on the banks. We must’ve been having a picnic. Now I’m here.”
Steve’s heart squeezed in his chest. Due to his head injury, Bucky had distorted his last memory of Steve. There was no picnic. Bucky had tried to kill Steve in the helicarrier above the Potomac. Steve was feeling worried again. How would Bucky act when his post-traumatic amnesia was resolved? Steve had a concussion when he was younger and remembered it took him two days before he could call to mind the fight he encountered with a boy from school. With Bucky’s enhanced serum at work, that could mean he’d recover his memory in a few hours.
Steve wasn’t sure what to say, but he knew he had to say something since Bucky turned to face him.
“What happened, Steve?”
Steve was always honest, a trait he admired in himself. Lying to Bucky pained him, but when he considered the ramifications of telling him the truth he thought it was the better option. Steve explained that when they left the lake they got into an accident. Steve said he was driving and since Bucky wasn’t wearing his seat belt he hit his head on the dashboard.
Bucky looked at Steve like he didn’t believe him at first, but then he reached out and tipped Steve’s face back against the pillow, softly stroking Steve’s cheek, before leaning forward to kiss him. Steve sighed contently and kissed Bucky back, something he craved doing for years and only dreamed about. Bucky always had a girl on his arm and Steve was terrified to reveal his feelings, afraid that Bucky would be disgusted and wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore. Steve would rather pine from afar than lose his best friend.
Bucky’s lips were soft and his beard tickled Steve as it scratched against his face. He opened his mouth to let Bucky’s tongue inside. Their tongues moved against each other in a dance of passion before Steve pulled away. A whine escaped from the back of Bucky’s throat. Steve pretended he didn’t hear it and stood up. Bucky shouldn’t be kissing Steve. Steve shouldn’t have kissed back. He wasn’t there to confuse Bucky even more. He was there to make sure Bucky was ok, and now that he was it was time to find Sam and leave.
“Where are you going?” Bucky asked, looking a bit annoyed as he did so.
“I’m going to find Dr. Fitzgerald. Let’s see if I can spend the night with you,” Steve lied.
“Now?”
“Bucky we can’t—“
“For fuck’s sake, Steve, I’m not contagious or anything,” Buck interrupted.
Steve crossed his arms over his chest. “What if a nurse comes in to check on you?”
Bucky rolled his eyes. “So what?” he exclaimed. “They know you’re my boyfriend!”
Steve thought for a second and attributed Bucky’s affectionate behavior to his head injury. Steve attributed his own to years of pining after his best friend. He felt like banging his head against the wall for taking advantage of Bucky, but he had to help Bucky settle down first. He could bang his head later.
“Bucky, you’re hurt and you aren’t thinking straight. It’s perfectly normal.”
"I’m fine,” Bucky protested through clenched teeth.
“No, you’re not. You’re confused. Let me go find Tanya.”
“Fuck you,” Bucky spat, turning his face away and recoiling into himself on the bed.
Steve’s face tightened. He hated seeing Bucky like this. “Bucky—“
“Go. Just go,” he yelled back at Steve.
Steve left and found Sam in the waiting room. He plopped down in the empty chair next to him, sighing heavily as he rubbed his temples.
“He thinks I’m his boyfriend,” Steve blurted out.
“Look, this is my fault,” Sam started to say, slumping further back in his seat. “The nurses know who I am, and to not cause unnecessary attention I told them you were his boyfriend. I figured it was the only way they’d let you see him. Hope you’re not mad.”
“I’m not mad,” Steve affirmed. “But here’s the thing. When I went back in he kissed me.”
Sam raised his brow. “Wow.”
“Yeah. I don’t understand it. I know with a concussion people get confused about things and don’t remember what happened, but acting all affectionate with me with just the nurse’s word to go on? He isn’t healing as fast as I thought.”
“He will. And then what?”
Steve couldn’t worry about that now. He knew Bucky would only leave the hospital if Steve kept up the charade.
“We have to get him out of here. We can’t run the risk of Bucky suddenly realizing that the last time we saw each other he wanted to kill me. We’d put all these people in danger.”
Sam stood up. “I’ll distract his doctor while you and Tanya sneak him out.”
Steve shook his head. “Too risky. I don’t want to get her in trouble. We have to sneak him out ourselves.”
“We’ve infiltrated places way worse than a hospital. This should be a piece of cake.”
---
While Sam went off to get his car, Steve went back to Bucky’s room. When he opened the door Steve noticed that Bucky was clad in his street clothes sitting on the side of the bed.
“Did you find the doctor? I feel fine. I want to go home.”
Steve sat down next to Bucky and laced their fingers together.
Keep up the act, Rogers.
“They’re not sending you home tonight, baby. They want to run all these crazy tests on you. I know you don’t want to go through that so we need to leave. Now.”
“How? We’ll be caught,” Bucky pondered.
Steve motioned his head over to the window. “You’re only on the third floor.”
Bucky’s eyes widened. “Are you crazy?”
“Do you want to get out of here or not?” Steve was getting more and more anxious as the minutes passed by. He let go of Bucky’s hand so he could stand up and open the window.
Bucky followed and grabbed onto Steve’s neck to pull him close. For one brief moment Steve feared that Bucky had regained his memories and was going to choke him. But when he looked into Bucky’s eyes he saw nothing but lust swirling around his irises. Bucky kissed Steve hard, darting his eager tongue out to get inside Steve’s warm mouth. Steve opens his mouth, relishing Bucky’s taste as his heart fluttered. Bucky wasn’t making this pretend boyfriend thing easy. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. Steve shouldn’t have kissed back, again, but there he was. He’d done this, but he couldn’t cast the opportunity aside like it didn’t matter, because it mattered so much to Steve to feel Bucky’s lips move against his. Bucky wanted this too. After all, he initiated it, so it was okay for Steve to feel this way, right?
This time it was Bucky who pulled away first. He placed their foreheads together. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
“Oh, Bucky, don’t. I’m the one who needs to apologize,” Steve replied.
“But you already did. I heard you…earlier when I was, uh, wasn’t awake.”
Steve stepped out onto the ledge first, thanking his lucky stars that there were no bars on the window. Feeling the wind brush at his face, Steve couldn’t help giving the jump order like he always did when he and the rest of the Avengers jump out of helicopters. When Bucky doesn’t move Steve turned to face him and extended his hand.
“Steve, if this is some kind of thrill seeking thing for you may I suggest parachutes for next time?”
Steve smiled at that. Even after everything Bucky still had the same sense of humor. “Together?”
“Why not? That way we’ll both get hurt,” Bucky retorted, rolling his eyes.
Bucky grabbed Steve’s hand and in unison they plummeted toward the parking lot below. The two of them touch ground with the same lightness and agility as a cat.
“See? Not even a scratch,” Steve gloated. Bucky burst out laughing. It felt so good to stand there and listen to Bucky laugh, a sound he hadn’t heard in over seventy years. As soon as they composed themselves Sam pulled up with his car.
“Who’s this guy?” Bucky asked.
“My –our friend, Sam,” Steve answered, opening the passenger side door for Bucky just like any adoring boyfriend would.
“Hey, man. Glad you’re feeling better,” Sam said.
Bucky grinned. “Thanks.”
Once he buckled his seat belt Bucky took Steve’s hand in his. Steve gazed down at their entwined fingers and pondered over how easy all of this was to Bucky, acting like Steve’s boyfriend.
“Oh, Steve, what happened to your car?”
Steve looked confused for a second and then recalled the lie he told. Steve didn’t even own a car. He walked everywhere or took the subway. Before he said anything,
Sam cleared his throat. “It was actually my car. Steve asked to borrow it to run some errands.”
Bucky furrowed his brow. “I thought we were at the lake.”
Steve silently cursed himself for not filling Sam in on all the details of the conversation he and Bucky had back at the hospital.
“Right, the lake. Sorry,” Sam replied quickly. “Anyway, Steve asked to borrow my car and lo-and-behold he gets into a fender-bender. Don’t worry, I have insurance. It’ll be fine.”
“So whose car is this?” Bucky pressed.
Sam stopped at the red light. “My neighbor’s. When Steve called and told me what happened I asked to borrow his. No way was I going to let you guys take a cab.”
Bucky ran his hand through his hair. “Ok. Sorry for all the questions. I’m just trying to make sense of things. I hit my head pretty bad after all.”
“Now don’t think that’s going to get your out of helping Steve clean the apartment,” Sam joked, giving Bucky a wide smile through the dashboard mirror.
Sam was a good person so naturally he’d resort to joking the first time he met Bucky. When he went over a speed bump Bucky gave Steve’s hand a squeeze. It felt like Bucky was his when he did that but the feeling was fleeting because it was based on a lie. Steve leaned his head back against the head rest and let out a deep sigh.
“You okay back there?” Sam inquired.
“I’m just really tired.”
“Are we going to my place or yours?” Bucky asked, turning his head to look directly at Steve.
Steve’s stomach was in knots again. He had to be stronger than this, keep on the pretend boyfriend poker face, but it was hard. Steve was a bad liar.
“Mine, I mean, uh...our place. We live together.”
“Oh.”
Steve felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen inside the car. It brought to mind flashbacks of his old asthma attacks. What would happen once they got to Steve’s apartment? Would Bucky want to sleep in Steve’s bed? Of course he would! Stopping a make-out session from getting too heated Steve could talk his way out of. How would he be able to convince his ‘boyfriend’ that he couldn’t sleep in the same bed as him? Steve suspected it would be a bad idea if Bucky’s behavior in the hospital was anything to go on.
“Well, here we are,” Sam announced, pulling into a spot across the street from Steve’s building.
“Thank you, Sam,” Bucky said before getting out of the car. Steve had already exited and was holding the door open for him.
“Anytime, man. Take care of yourself. No heavy lifting,” Sam extended his hand out the window in Steve’s direction. “What? No tip for the driver?”
“Very funny. And I promise to go easy on him. Nothing but bed rest.”
“You need anything, anything at all, call me. I’ll come running,” Sam insisted.
Steve was positive Sam meant that literally.
“Thanks, Sam!” he yelled as Sam drove away into the night.
When Steve turned around he saw Bucky standing there looking down at his shoes. Steve took Bucky’s hand and they crossed the street. When they get to the correct building Steve put his arms around Bucky, embracing him in a tight hug.
“Welcome home,” he breathed against Bucky’s neck.
---
Now back at his apartment, Steve’s slammed with conflicting emotions over Bucky’s return. He was elated that he found Bucky after all these months of searching. But on the other hand, Steve was wary. It would have been so easy for Bucky to kill Steve in his sleep if he remembered the truth. Also, he was afraid Bucky wanted to do more than kissing now that they were alone.
"How are you feeling now, Bucky?” Steve asked as he locks the door. He didn’t feel the need to call the rest of the team and confuse Bucky even more. If and when
Bucky remembered it would be a confrontation Steve would have to revisit alone.
Bucky was sitting at the kitchen table eating an apple he took from Steve’s fruit bowl. “I’m fine.”
Steve made his way over and realized how hungry he was. The stove clock read 1 o’clock in the morning.
“Do you anything else? Maybe a sandwich?”
“Sure,” Bucky mumbled. “That would be great.”
Fortunately Steve found enough ingredients in his cupboards to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He made an extra one for Bucky because he didn’t know if Bucky ate at the diner before the Hydra showdown occurred.
“Why do I get two?” Bucky questioned.
“I’m not that hungry.”
They ate in silence, which was uncomfortable for Steve because he was so scared of saying the wrong thing. He kept his head down the entire time, feeling Bucky’s eyes on him.
Finished with his sandwich, Steve stood up and took Bucky’s empty plate. As he began washing the dishes a single tear rolled down his face. This wasn’t how he expected Bucky’s return to be. There was a multitude of things Steve wanted to ask his friend but he couldn’t. For a moment, Steve found himself preferring the company of the Winter Soldier over this version of Bucky. He was a shell of a person with Bucky’s face. The Winter Soldier could give Steve the answers to all of his questions, before trying to kill him that is. Steve knew he would have to tip-toe around this Bucky, especially to avoid another make-out session.
Suddenly, Bucky’s metal hand was on Steve’s shoulder. He tensed and dropped the plate in the sink.
“Steve, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“W-what?” Steve stammered.
“You looked like you were about to puke in the car and you didn’t say two words to me while we ate. Let’s not forget you wanted to dart after I kissed you. You’re so on edge around me. Don’t try denying it.”
Steve heard the venom dripping from Bucky’s words and started panicking. Would angering Bucky trigger his memories as the Winter Soldier? Steve didn’t want to jeopardize it. It was too early in the morning, a poor excuse he knew, but all the same it was the truth. Yes Steve wanted answers, but he didn’t want to fight his best friend all over again.
Steve sighed. “I’m sorry, Buck. This is all so…it’s too much for me.”
Bucky bit his lip and pondered for a moment. “Is it because I don’t remember you?”
Steve looked down at the ground. “Yes.”
Bucky frowned. “That’s fair, I guess.”
“No, it’s not fair!” Steve replied back, voice shaky from holding back a sob. “I shouldn’t have let this happen to you. I did this, Bucky, and I’m so sorry.”
Steve felt the need to flee to his bedroom. Seeing Bucky standing there with such a pained expression was more than he could bear. Steve hated being the cause of more confusion for Bucky. Before he could move any further Bucky’s arms were around him. Steve’s head fell against Bucky’s shoulder and he began to sob, finally letting go of all the guilt and anger.
“Hey, hey it’s okay,” Bucky said while rubbing soothing circles against Steve’s back. “I forgive you, Steve.”
Steve’s body froze. These were the exact words Steve had longed to hear, but now that he had he couldn’t move a muscle. The words were meaningless. Bucky wouldn’t have forgiven Steve so easily had he been in his right mind. Steve broke away and straightened, rubbing his eyes with his hands.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know this is hard for you, but I need you right now,” Bucky disclosed, pausing to place his hand back on Steve’s shoulder. “Please don’t look at me like I might break. I’m gonna get better.”
Steve admired Bucky’s resilience and knew he was right. This situation wasn’t permanent. Bucky’s head would heal and he’d remember everything. There was nothing Steve could do about it. In the meantime Steve had to give Bucky what he wanted: a supportive boyfriend.
“I know,” Steve said hoarsely. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry.”
Bucky offered a coy smile. “I know you’re sorry. Now kiss me already.”
Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s torso and kissed him, sucking at his bottom lip as Bucky’s hands played with the hairs on the back of Steve’s neck. Steve thought Bucky was a little obsessed with the idea of Steve being his boyfriend, but what else did Bucky have? The answer was nothing. Steve wanted to make Bucky happier, so he would continue the fake boyfriend façade, no matter how much it felt like his heart was twisting in his chest. Steve deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue into Bucky’s mouth enthusiastically. Bucky’s beard tickled his chin and Steve couldn’t help the giggle that escaped from his mouth.
“Remind me again why I grew this thing in the first place?” Bucky asked when Steve pulled away.
“You wanted to try a new look. Make yourself look older.”
“I look decades older," Bucky whined. “I’m shaving it all off later.”
“Good.”
Steve continued to kiss Bucky, placing kisses against the side of his face and down his beard before meeting his lips. Bucky slid his hands under Steve’s shirt, feeling the muscles of his back. When Bucky lowered his hands into the waistband of Steve’s boxers and grabbed his ass he broke away, a surprised yelp escaping from his lips.
“We should take things slow,” Steve expressed, looking into Bucky’s eyes which were heavy with desire.
“Touch me,” Bucky begged, licking his lips.
Steve glanced down and saw how hard Bucky was. He took Bucky’s hand and led him to his bedroom. Once he closed the door Steve pushed Bucky down onto this bed and began trailing his mouth down his jaw line. Steve forgot about everything as he did so, his only through was making Bucky feel good. Bucky moaned as Steve sucked at his throat, gasping once Steve bit down.
Steve instantly hauled himself up, staring down at Bucky all concerned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
Bucky pulled Steve down by the neck and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “No more apologizing tonight.”
Steve rolled Bucky’s shirt over his chest and helped him get it off his head. Steve threw it on the floor and then removed his own shirt, feeling a chill as Bucky ran his eyes over him, taking in every detail.
“God, you’re so fit,” Bucky said, running his index finger up and down Steve’s chest and abdomen. Steve smirked at that comment, but it faded quickly once he eyed the scar tissue around Bucky’s metal arm. He thought of Bucky alone and bleeding in the snow once he fell. Bucky noticed him staring and moved his hand away.
“I-I remember some things about this,” Bucky began as he flexed his metal arm. “A cold operating room, a doctor telling me it was a success. It was so cold, Steve.”
“You were in the war. It was a long time ago,” Steve stated for lack of better words. He felt so stupid for staring at Bucky’s scarred flesh. Bucky hadn’t mentioned his arm all day and Steve had to go and draw attention to a subject he desperately wanted to ignore for the time being.
Bucky nostrils flared. “Some thanks I get for serving my country.”
“You’re still beautiful to me, Buck,” Steve said truthfully, because despite his physical differences he was still Bucky underneath it all. Same lips, same eyes, same chiseled jaw line. Steve had been in love with Bucky for as long as he could remember. A metal appendage didn’t change his feelings.
Bucky dropped his arm to his side. He looked back at Steve and gave him a small smile. “Then that’s all that matters.”
Steve placed his hand on top of Bucky’s metal one. “Yes. We’re together now. Things are going to be fine. I won’t let anybody take you away from me again.”
Steve tilted his head and pressed kisses down Bucky’s neck. Bucky took in a sharp breath at Steve’s soft touch, craving more. He licked his lips when Steve twirled his thumbs around his nipples before pinching them between his fingers.
“Does that feel good?” Steve asked, his lips turning up into a playful smile.
Bucky nodded and Steve covered Bucky’s left nipple with his mouth. As his tongue swirled around, Steve knew he shouldn’t since Bucky was vulnerable right now, but another part of him was telling him to continue, that it was okay since Bucky wanted this. Steve went with that train of thought and placed his lips onto Bucky’s other nipple. Bucky moaned when Steve tugged at it with his teeth, which only made Steve’s cock ache.
As Steve continued to swirl his tongue around he felt a pang of something he couldn’t put his finger on coursing through his body. This wasn’t his Bucky. Steve wanted to be with his Bucky. Once he recovered, whoever Bucky was now wouldn’t want to kiss Steve. He probably doesn’t even remember Steve and may refuse his help. Steve pulled his lips away.
“Why’d you stop?” Bucky asked, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
“I can’t do this,” Steve whispered, hating himself for it but knowing it was the right thing to do nevertheless. Steve longed to be with Bucky, but he couldn’t deny that there was something between them, the fact that Bucky was injured and was only clinging to Steve because he thought Steve was all he had right now.
“Do what? Kiss me?”
“I was doing more than kissing you.”
Bucky sighed and lifted Steve’s chin up so that their eyes met. “Steve, ignoring me isn’t going to make this any easier. I want this. I want you. What’s so hard to understand?”
Steve rubbed a hand over his face and swallowed. “Because I feel like I’m with a different person.”
After he said it Steve felt the weight of his words and how much they stung. Bucky’s jaw dropped. He looked hurt and more confused than ever.
“Do you want me to leave?”
Steve shook his head. “What? No!” he said more loudly than he meant to. “That’s the last thing I want.”
“All right. I’ll take the couch.”
Before Steve could protest Bucky was off the bed and putting his discarded shirt back on. Steve saw the outline of his erection through his boxers as he lifted his pants up his legs.
“You don’t have to. Stay here with me,” Steve said eventually.
Fully dressed, Bucky turned to look at him. “How can I do that? Look, it’s been a long day and I’m tired and I don’t want to argue with you. Just let me sleep on the damn couch.”
Steve didn’t say anything, not sure where to go from here. Bucky saved him the trouble of figuring it out by leaving the room. Steve didn’t go after him.
---
“He’s gone, Sam, he left the apartment,” Steve said frantically into the phone.
“Whoa, slow down,” he heard Sam reply.
So many things were going on inside Steve’s head he forgot how to breathe properly. He took a deep breath.
“He left. Bucky left. I woke up and he was gone.”
“Why would he do that?” Same pondered. “You guys have a fight?”
Steve wouldn’t dare tell Sam that they were close to having sex last night so he cut straight to the chase. “He found his file, the one Natasha gave me. The papers are scattered across my table. Obviously reading them triggered his memory and he fled in horror.”
"You want me to come over?”
So use to giving orders, Steve discovered he was at a loss for what to do. He was back at square one again. He wanted to scream. "No. I need you to tell me what to do.”
“Well, first you gotta calm down. Go about the day as you normally would,” Sam responded calmly. “He’s gonna come back, maybe not right now but soon. You know he has questions. Who else can he turn to?”
“And if he doesn’t? What if he still views me as his mission?”
“Steve, you had an assassin sleeping in your apartment. If he wanted you dead, you’d be dead,” Sam explained.
Even though Sam couldn’t see him, Steve nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
Steve almost believed him. There were plenty of things Steve was sorry for. But at least Steve found some solace in the fact that when Bucky returned he’d be able to talk to him about everything and begin making things right. He wanted to do right by Bucky. After all, Steve was the only person Bucky had.
“I’ll let you know when he comes back.”
Steve hung up, grabbed his keys, and headed to the supermarket, figuring it best to follow Sam’s advice sooner rather than later. Besides groceries, Steve bought a toothbrush and other toiletries for Bucky in case he decided to stay. Steve hoped he would.
Steve cleaned the apartment after putting his groceries away. He sketched some new motorbike designs for Tony to look at. He unlocked his windows and disabled his security system, lest Bucky resorted to his Winter Soldier tendencies and broke in instead of ringing the doorbell. Sam texted a few times, asking if Bucky returned and if Steve wanted him to come over, but Steve said no. He wanted to be alone.
Steve cooked lasagna. The quiet that surrounded him as he ate made Steve uneasy. He couldn’t believe that a few hours ago Bucky was sitting at the table with him. He was safe. It made Steve’s heart ache that he got Bucky back only to lose him all over again.
After watching some television and putting the leftover lasagna away Steve decided to go to bed. He managed to dose off, and the next thing he knew he was making out through bleary eyes a silhouette peering over him. To Steve’s surprise he’s unarmed.
“I was wondering when you would come back,” Steve said tiredly.
“A five year old could break into your apartment,” Bucky said. His voice was void of emotion, not at all like the voice Steve remembered from years ago.
Steve did the unthinkable. He let out a chuckle. “You didn’t think I left it like that on purpose?”
Bucky looked nervous, like he couldn’t believe he had been outsmarted. His eyes shifted around the room, looking for threats. Steve instantly regretted his choice of words. He wanted to reach out and touch his friend, reassure him that it is okay and that this wasn’t some sort of trap. But he didn’t. He gripped the sheets instead.
Bucky shook his head and his nervous expression was gone with a flash. His lips curved into a sly smile. “You’re a punk, you know that?”
Steve perked up at hearing the echo of their childish taunting. Steve was always a little punk who couldn’t go more than a few days without picking a fight with someone. Steve allowed himself to relax. This was a good sign, a testament to how much Bucky remembered of his youth and Brooklyn and Steve.
“It’s been pointed out to me,” Steve quipped.
Steve turned on the lamp on his nightstand to see Bucky better. Bucky was standing awkwardly, playing with the strings of the hooded sweatshirt he was wearing.
Steve motioned to the empty side of his bed. “Please, take a seat.”
Bucky’s brow was creased in a frown, as if he didn’t understand the prompt, but once Steve patted the mattress he took a seat on the edge of the bed. Steve moved across his bed so that he was sitting closer to Bucky. Bucky didn’t meet Steve’s gaze. He stared at his feet with his hands folded in his lap.
“Did you eat the lasagna I left you?” Steve asked in an attempt to break the tension building in the air.
“I did. It was tasty,” Bucky confirmed.
“I’m glad you liked it.”
They sat in silence for a while. All Steve could hear was the loud thumping of his heart. Steve decided that he wouldn’t ask Bucky where he’d been or why he was there now. It’s not that he was scared or didn’t trust himself to say the right thing. Steve found none of it mattered. Bucky was there and that’s what was important. He would tell his story in his own time.
“I know you were looking for me,” Bucky spoke up. Steve stared at his profile, looking concerned as he listened. “After I pulled you out of the river I started following you around. You said you were my friend. I had to get to know you again.”
Steve let this brand new information settle. He was silent for a long time, having to choose his words carefully or risk Bucky bolting out the window.
“So do you…remember me now?” Steve asked.
The hard line of Bucky’s mouth softened. “I do. Your mother’s name was Sarah. You used to put newspapers in your shoes.”
Steve was determined to hold back the tears that his eyes were filling up with. He hadn’t expected Bucky to say anything like that. He swallowed hard, about to ask a question, when he heard a chocked sob. Bucky was trembling. Steve gripped his friend’s shoulder, trying to get Bucky to look at him, but as soon as he was touched Bucky pushed Steve away from him and got up from the bed.
“I should go,” Bucky whimpered. “I only came back to return this.” He took the hoodie he was wearing off and threw it on the bed. His heart pounding, Steve quickly got up and walked over to his estranged friend.
“Wait! Where are you going? You don’t have to leave,” Steve called out. He reached out again, taking Bucky’s metal hand in his. This time Bucky didn’t pull away from the gesture. He lowered his head and looked at their entwined fingers.
“This is a weapon. You shouldn’t want to touch it.”
“I don’t think you’ll hurt me. You saved my life when you were ordered to kill me.”
At hearing those words Bucky closed his eyes and unlaced their fingers. A pained expression was plastered across his face. “You’re better off without me, Steve. You have friends like the one with the wings and the red-headed woman. I’m no good.”
Steve didn’t see it that way at all. All he saw when he looked at Bucky was his best friend, a friend who was scared and hurting and needed Steve as much as Steve needed him.
“Yeah, I do have them, but you’re my best friend, Bucky. I want to help you, if you’ll let me.”
Steve inched closer and wrapped his arms around Bucky. After a moment Bucky returned the embrace, leaning into the warmth of Steve’s chest. Steve clung to Bucky as if his life depended on it, almost afraid that if he let go Bucky would disappear. Steve couldn’t lose him again.
“I’m sorry. They said you were dead, that you flew a plane into the ice…”
“Shh,” Steve whispered. His face was almost buried in Bucky’s hair. “It wasn’t you. They tortured you, Bucky!”
Bucky nodded against Steve’s chest. “I can’t even remember their faces.”
Steve’s heart was aching in his chest as he heard Bucky’s distress. “You’re a victim as much as any of them.”
Steve felt Bucky’s grip around his body loosen. Bucky stared at Steve with shining eyes and chewed his lip. Steve could tell there’s something on his mind that he doesn’t want to share. Steve wiped away the tear that rolled down Bucky’s cheek.
“Yesterday did you…no, why would you do that…” Steve heard Bucky mumble under his breath.
Steve frowned, trying to work out what Bucky meant. “Did I do what?”
“I’m having trouble piecing together everything that happened yesterday. But I remember us kissing, here in this very room. Am I making this up?”
Steve looked into Bucky’s grey eyes. They were pleading with Steve to help him make sense of it all. A blush crept up into Steve’s cheeks.
“No, you’re not making it up. I’m sorry--”
“How long?” Bucky interrupted him. “How long have you wanted to kiss me?”
Steve’s cheeks felt like they were on fire. He rubbed the back on his neck, feeling the blush crawl down. For the first time Steve was going to be honest about his feelings for Bucky. Being brought back from the dead for a second chance at life didn’t happen to just anyone.
“Since always,” Steve replied.
Bucky nodded. “I remember wanting to kiss you.”
“And do you still want to?” Steve asked nervously.
Bucky brushed his fingertip against Steve’s lips. “You’ve got such a pretty mouth, Stevie. I don’t know how I kept my hands off you all those years.”
Steve cupped Bucky’s face and kissed him on the lips. It’s chaste and over much too quickly, a test to see if Bucky really wanted Steve to go further.
“This is okay, Buck?”
Bucky looped his arms around Steve’s waist, pulling Steve closer against his body. He backed Steve up against the wall carefully.
“Yes. For the first time in ages something feels right. I feel like I’m home.”
Bucky covered Steve’s mouth with his. Their lips moved slowly until Bucky parted his lips and tilted his head so Steve could trace his mouth with his tongue. Steve combed his fingers through Bucky’s hair. He liked the feel of his long, silky strands. As his tongue explored Bucky’s mouth a warm sensation filled Steve to his very core. Now that Bucky was back, for real this time, Steve was able to fully enjoy the moment. There was no more guilt and lies, just pure bliss.