Work Text:
From: Corey Dunlop <c.dunlop@si_lcc.edu>
Date: May 10, 2023 at 10:26:51 PM EDT
To: Angela Bonaventura <a.bonaventura@si_lcc.edu>Subject: BIO001 Final Project Submission
Dear Professor Bonaventura,
I am writing on behalf of my group to send you our final project for BIO001, on the migratory and mating habits of whales. Please note that there are two files attached: my contribution, and the contribution of the rest of my group (Laszlo Cravensworth, Nandor Di Laurentiis, and Colin Robinson). I tried to talk to you about this during office hours today but things were busy with everyone trying to seek last minute advice on their projects. I am sorry to spring this on you at the last minute:
Please, PLEASE grade my part of the project separately from theirs.
As you know, I was absent from class the day groups were assigned, so I ended up in their group by default. It has been a nightmare working with them for the following reasons:
- Availability: they were never available to work during the day, even on weekends. Once, they sent someone who introduced himself as their roommate but isn’t even enrolled in the college, let alone the class. Looking back, I should have probably accepted his help because he seemed like he knew what he was doing.
- Technological ability: Laszlo Cravensworth does not know how to use a computer (you will see that his contribution is handwritten, because I didn’t have enough time to type it up on my own). Nandor Di Laurentiis can only do hunt and peck typing (which probably explains his section) and the only emails I’ve ever received from him are chain letters that say that if I don’t forward them to 10 people I’ll die the next day (and from talking to him I’m pretty sure he believes them). Colin Robinson can use a computer and that’s the only thing I want to say about it.
- Group compatibility: this is going to get a little crass, I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else to address this. Meeting as a group was difficult not just because of timing but because wherever we met to do work, Laszlo’s wife would show up and the group would inevitably get thrown out because they would end up having loud sex somewhere in the vicinity. They got us banned from every campus library and nearly every public library. They invited me to their house to work but their house gave me bad vibes. I can’t explain it. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like if I went into that house I would not come out alive. It felt massively unsafe.
- Academic achievement: You will have to compare this against their previous papers, tests, quizzes, etc., but if my suspicions are correct, I don’t think Laszlo, Nandor, and Colin are very academically inclined (sorry, I know that’s rude, but when you compare their parts of the project against mine, I think you’ll understand what I’m getting at).
Thank you for your consideration. Please review the attached materials carefully and let me know your decision. If necessary, I will escalate this up to the dean of students, that is how seriously I am taking this whole situation.
Best,
Corey Dunlop
Attachments:
Corey_Dunlop_paper.doc
LASZLO_NANDOR_COLIN.pdf
On the Migratory Purpose of Whales
A Treatise of Scientific Inquiry
By Laszlo Cravensworth, Esq.
Why do whales, giant masters of the sea, choose to travel many, many miles through the water every year back and forth? For what purpose might they seek to travel the high seas?
For the same two reasons you and I might, my good chaps and chapesses:
To feed, and to fuck.
All animals are driven by the same base instincts, are we not? We all hunger, for whatever it is that nourishes us, and we must go in search of it, wherever it may be found.
We are also driven by the need to spread our seed — to breed, and if you’re me and my good lady wife, just to fuck for fun. And when you’re a whale, with a proportionally large whale penis, you must find the whale that accommodates that penis, lest you try to fuck the wrong sized creature and the other creature explodes.
Take my friend Nandor, for example. He used a wish with a djinn he found to have the largest human penis in the world. Kind of a stupid wish, if you ask me, because if you’re already using the one you have properly, why would you need a new one? He really didn’t think many of those wishes through. But I digress. Nandor and his large penis faced a dilemma. He had to find the hole that could accommodate that penis, because not all holes are created equally (and believe me, I know from experience!). Luckily, no one has exploded under him yet, but I’ve got some worries for Gizmo, if he ever gets his wish (no djinn involved). It could get pretty messy, and my good lady wife agrees. My point is, Nandor could easily fuck a whale and no harm would be done. But if a whale were to fuck Nandor? Bad news, boy-o. That’s why Nandor stays out of any water deeper than his bathtub.
Why the fuck does this have to be a thousand words? Is brevity not the soul of wit? I told you the answer, and added a cheeky bonus story; what else do you need to know?
MIGRATORY PATHS OF WHALES
By Nandor the Relentless
Whales migrate then and go on an adventure home, much as they do in the documentary film Free Willy 2.
The Future of Whales
By Colin Robinson
What is the future of whales in the current world ecosystem? Perhaps it would be better to ask, what is the future of whales in the current world economy? How do whales contribute to capitalism? Are they active participants, or is capitalism something that is passively acted upon them? How can whales become income earners in the current era, thus securing their own future?
One may look at places like Sea World and say that these places are inhumane. Perhaps they are inHUmane, as in terrible for humans, but are they inwhalemane? Have we allowed whales to harness their true earning potential in these scenarios? How do we give whales the agency to take charge of their futures?
Some people may wonder why whales even need money. Do whales have a cash based economy? Do they use alternate currencies, such as krill, or sand dollars, or bitcoin? Many people will argue that in order to survive the upcoming climate apocalypse, only the rich will have the resources needed to thrive, and that is because they have money. This is why whales must begin to embrace profit. At least, that’s what the believers in a climate apocalypse would want you to believe. Is a climate apocalypse even realistic, though? Or is that just something people say to scare us? And are the people trying to scare us believers in capitalism, or are they dirty communists like the current whale-based economy? Over the next sixteen pages, I…
From: Colin Robinson <[email protected]>
Date: May 10, 2023 at 11:57:22 PM EDT
To: Angela Bonaventura <a.bonaventura@si_lcc.edu>Subject: Paper Update
Hiya Prof!
I think Corey sent over the “final” paper, but I made a couple last minute tweaks to my section. Hope you don’t mind updating the final document with this new one! I’m still under the deadline!
Colin Robinson
From: Colin Robinson <[email protected]>
Date: May 10, 2023 at 11:58:49 PM EDT
To: Angela Bonaventura <a.bonaventura@si_lcc.edu>Subject: RE: Paper Update
Oops, forgot the attachment :)
ATTACHMENT:
robinson.ppt