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“Scar, I think we’re soulmates and you’re busy chasing faeries!” Grian didn’t have time to process what was going on, not really. He’d yelled it almost as a joke to the situation that was going on, a joke, a gaff, and he was treading through the water after Scar without processing who he was really bound to. He’d gotten so used to yelling his name, running after him, that his brain couldn’t process the idea they were actually bound. Made to be together again.
He’d managed to avoid Scar after everything that had happened. The guilt that rose in his chest when he thought about what had really happened, in the cactus ring, on 3rd life, bore into his very soul and made him feel sick. Now he was watching Scar swim up a waterfall to chase an allay and wasn’t comprehending it was really Scar, Scar who remembered what had happened because they were the winners, Scar who he had loved with so much of his heart that it ached and longed to be with him. Scar who he killed, who he couldn’t be with again, because he’d hurt him so badly.
Scar’s broken body laid under Grian. His hands were covered in blood, and scar was covered in blood and bruises and his body felt so cold yet so hot in the desert. His eyes were still open, glazed over, and all Grian could see in them was love and adoration for him. He felt sick. He wanted to throw up. But he couldn’t.
Grian broke into sobs, he’d managed to hold it in while fighting Scar. He fell to his knees and keeled over the body of his lover, cries ringing out in the lone desert, the lone world, no one was here anymore. The ghosts of his friends were gone, and he was alone, with the body of the man he loved so much. He sobbed and screamed and latched onto Scar. And then just like that his body was dissolving and Grian had nothing left of him. He grabbed at the sand of where his lover used to be, grabbed at the grains clotted with blood. It felt sticky and thick between his fingers, and he chucked it away from himself, screaming once again.
Then, he couldn’t control his body, not fully. He stood up, shakily, eyes going wide and mind going blank as he walked to the edge and stared down. He couldn’t stay here, and he had just lost Scar, and everything hurt. He looked down at his hands one more time, covered in blood. Scar’s blood. He was covered in Scar’s blood and Scar’s death was his fault and he couldn’t bare it. He took a long breath in, before jumping.
He had to force his wings not to spread out of instinct as he fell. And when he hit the bottom he felt a quick shot of agony, but it was far less painful than what he had just done to his love. His wings twitched as his eyesight went white. And then his body, too, dissolved, and it was onto the next game.
Grian was shaking heavily, tears pricking at his eyes from the flashback. It all came in a rush, the emotions, how he was bound to Scar. How he was bound to Scar of all people. Scar. His name felt heavy in his mind. Heavy and soaked with blood, dripping and taunting him. Thick and too hot yet too cold, thick like the clots of sand he had seen. He could feel the blood on his hands again, and he keeled over and wretched into the grass in front of him.
---
He had to tell Scar. If this didn’t go well, he at least needed Scar to know they were bound. His feet felt heavy as he lead Scar to the tree in which he planned to show Scar they were bound. It felt like he was tracking through - Sand. Thick and heavy sand. Sand with blood clumped into it. He took a heavy breath in as he continued to walk forward, Scar following him and non the wiser to what was about to happen.
Scar was so distracted by his pandas as Grian talked to him. “I need you to stand right under this, okay?” His voice was hiding the pain he held, thank void for that. He was shaking, just a little bit, and was glad Scar was distracted with all of this.
“But ca you explain why they didn’t breed?” Scar asked, completely unaware of what was going on and just focused on his pandas. Grian bit his lip and took a breath in,
“No- Scar! Stand under the thing!” It sounded like laughing, but in reality he was about to cry again. He had to hold it in.
“Oh- Why am I doing this?” Scar asked, still not fully paying attention to Grian.
“Alright- Okay- Now look at me, look directly at me- Directly at me.”
“Okay, I’m looking directly at you.” And Grian began to heave his pickaxe up a the dripstone he had placed. He winced as he felt it hit his head, watching Scar do the same as a panda came up and he muttered a “Yeah,” Before outstretching his hand to run his hand over it. “Look at them!” He laughed, still oblivious and so focused on them that Grian felt like his soul was being ripped out of his body. He wanted Scar to focus on him. But he still couldn’t get that. Was this Scar’s way of showing Grian he didn’t care about him anymore?
“Scar!” Grian cried out, making the other man look at him again.
“Sorry, I’m looking at you!” He replied, actually giving Grain his attention this time.
“You didn’t no-”
“I’m looking at you-”
“Okay, I can only do this one more time-” Grian huffed, wings fluffing up for a second. At least his frustration was covering up the ache in his very soul this time. “Ready?” Grian asked, beginning to mine at the dripstone again.
“Yeah!” Scar replied, eyes trained on Grian this time.
“Look at me.” Grian said again, eyes directly staring at Scar.
“I’m looking-” Scar said as the dripstone hit him, and Grian winced again. The double hit had made Scar’s head swirl with pain and had him bleeding a little bit. Grian bit his lip as blood dripped down Scar’s face. Blood from were Grian had hit him. Blood from where Grian had pummeled him to death, Grian’s fault, blood where he had hit Scar until he died. Blood from where he’d broken his skin, blood from the deser- Grian didn’t realize his head was bleeding, too, until he felt a drip down his nose.
“Oh my god.” Scar’s tone had completely changed. He was staring at Grian, eyes wide.
“Yeahhaha-” Grian began to laugh, or at least he thought it was laughing. Maybe he was starting to cry. He couldn’t even tell at this point, and if he was crying it didn’t matter, he couldn’t feel it. Maybe, if he was, it was mixing with the blood. Scar’s blood.
“Have you got any food-” Grian continued, rummaging through his inventory to see if he had any, trying to ignore the pain in his chest and from his Scar’s head.
“This whole time??!” Scar exclaimed, and he sounded a bit mad. He should be mad at Grian. Grian killed him. Grian hit him and killed him. Grian forced him against a cactus and watched him di-
“This whole time!” Grian continued, he was smiling. Or was he bearing his teeth to hide the pain? He still couldn’t tell.
“This whole time!! We’ve been parading around the server and you knew this whole time!” Scar crossed his arms, staring at Grian. He looked hurt, almost. Of course he was hurt. Grian always hurt him. Grian always killed him, in the end. He’d tried to tell Scar, at least, he really had! It wasn’t his fault Scar hadn’t really noticed. Or maybe he had, and he couldn’t bare the idea of being forced to team with Grian again. Being forced to watch him and die to his hands again. That’s what was going to happen, wasn’t it?
---
Grian couldn’t take it. He’d holed himself off, away from Scar, and had curled himself up, wings around him. His feathers didn’t feel soft in his hands. They felt rugged, they felt heavy. He’d been crying again. He was going to hurt Scar. He was going to hurt scar. He was going to hurt Scar.
And so Grian decided to take it into his own hands. He ran around the server, rummaging through every chest he could find. And finally he found what he was looking for. He didn’t question how whoever - Was this Pearl’s house? He was so out of it he didn’t know where he was at this point. - Had gotten the apple. He just knew he needed it now. He grabbed it roughly and slammed the chest shut, running out of the door, breath heavy.
He stared at the god apple in his hand. He stared at it and contemplated what he was doing. Should he really do it? Should he? He threw it up and caught it in his hands a couple of times, before ultimately deciding that he needed to. He could get himself away from Scar and not hurt him more. He wasn’t going to hurt Scar one more time, and so he brought the apple to his lips and bit into it. Since when did the god apples taste so disgusting?
The magic sent all of his nerves afire. Everything hurt. His soul hurt the most. But it didn’t hurt more than when he’d killed Scar. Maybe that’s how he knew this was the right option. It felt like someone was cutting his heart in two, dissecting it. And in that moment he realized Scar was also feeling hat pain, and he felt sick again as he fell to his knees. He was shaking and he threw up, but the apple had already done it’s deed. He’d cheated, gone against the rules, and he heard a scream of agony from somewhere on the other side of the map. He knew that scream. He was sick again as he listened to Scar’s screams.
“I’m so sorry,” Grian cried out to no one, curling in on himself. He’d fucked up. He’d hurt Scar again. He was always bound to hurt Scar. Would this kill them? Would he be the reason Scar died again? Of course he would. Even if he wanted to run to Scar, cry for his apology, he couldn’t stand up.
And then, he could hear Them speaking, words flying through his head and giving him a headache. “It’s too early for this.” Was all he could make out before he felt his soul strings being tugged on again. This wasn’t fair, his wasn’t fair!! Grian cried out as he felt Them retie his string with Scar, and he heard another scream of agony, or maybe that was from him. Tears were rushing down his cheeks and everything hurt and he’d fucked up so badly and-
Everything went black. Everything went black and he couldn’t feel the pain anymore. The blackness engulfed him, started to drown him, he felt like he was choking. But when he breathed in - he had to, now, his lungs hurt so badly - water didn’t flow down his lungs. It was too heavy to be water, too grainy - Sand. He was breathing in sand. Of course it was sand. It was always sand. And it was at this point that Grian really thought he’d died.
---
Well, Grian hadn’t died, he found that much out as the sun blazed its light into his eyes. He covered his face with one of his hands. Then he sputtered, coughing sand out of his mouth. He sat up, rubbing his eyes if only to try to adjust to the light. When he opened them he found himself - He wasn’t exactly in a desert, more like just a patch of sand. There was blood on it, and he was- back in the desert and scar was dead- right next to a river. He curled up in a ball and started to sob again. Everything hurt and he had hurt Scar again. Grian sat on his patch of sand, waiting for the elements to really kill him.
“I’m so sorry,” He uttered out, sobbing again. He heard someone walking up, but he didn’t want to look. He knew that old feeling too much. He didn’t open his eyes when he was picked up, picked up in only the way Scar could pick him up. Picked up in the way he’d done to put Grian on Pizza and take him off. Picked up like how he was picked up and kissed.
He felt Scar’s blood drip on him as he carried Grian back. Grian couldn’t even open his eyes, he couldn’t face his soulmate who he’d tried to force himself to unbind from. All he could utter out was a sorry as he slipped back into the darkness. Everything hurt. And void was he sorry. And he knew he would never recover from this. Why was he always bound to hurt Scar?