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When Laudna woke up, she kept her eyes shut tight at first. It was a dream. Surely, the events of the previous day had just been a dream. She was going to wake up in that cramped little cave with Orym and Ashton and Prism and Deni$e, tearstains on her face and a second heartbeat in her chest, and what happened in the marketplace in Jrusar was just a bright, wild fantasy that her traumatized mind had thrown together to keep her going.
But… she heard Imogen’s soft breathing, very nearby. She could smell her hair, right under her nose. Her fingers pressed down ever so slightly to feel a warm hip through a familiar sleepshirt.
Her senses were telling her she was in bed with Imogen, which meant that she had gone to sleep in Zhudanna’s little house in the Windowed Wall with Imogen, which meant that she was in Jrusar and she had met Deanna and FRIDA and she had said goodbye to Prism and she had snapped at Imogen and Fearne and Chetney and Fresh Cut Grass and she had gone grocery shopping with Imogen and…
Laudna let out a long, slow breath, trying to steady her nerves. She cautiously opened one eye.
Sure enough, she was in the room she and Imogen had shared for weeks before meeting the rest of Bell’s Hells. There was an easel in the corner with the half-finished painting of the Windowed Wall that Zhudanna had shown them yesterday. There was a new dress, carefully folded on the vanity beside Pâté’s little wooden house, which was now also a backpack. And in bed with her, still fast asleep, was Imogen Temult.
Laudna stared at her, unbelieving. She was in her nightclothes, lying on her side facing Laudna, hands tucked up near her chest in the small space between them. At some point during the night she had kicked the sheets off and they were crumpled at the foot of the bed, which happened regularly because she got too warm in her sleep. One of her ankles was between Laudna’s, and one of Laudna’s hands was on her hip, like she was trying to keep her from just disappearing during the night, and suddenly Laudna was very grateful that she didn’t technically need to breathe because she was breathless.
She had asked Laudna if she could kiss her yesterday. And Laudna had said yes. And she kissed her. And then Laudna kissed her back. And she knew that Laudna had lost control and killed Bor’dor and let Delilah’s influence back in and maybe didn’t want to get rid of it, and she had still kissed her a few more times last night before they went to sleep, even knowing all of that.
Imogen had said she loved her, last night. Something she had said before, but it was different now. And it was different when Laudna said she loved her too. And none of it had been a dream.
Laudna needed something to cling to, needed to tether herself to the ground to stop from floating away, so she focused in on Imogen’s hands. She hadn’t noticed yesterday, but they were different. As long as Laudna had known her, Imogen had those purple lightning scars starting from her fingertips and running up her arms. They’d ended at her wrists when they first met, and they had been climbing up her arms like ivy ever since.
Last she’d noticed, they were up to her biceps. Now, they disappeared beneath her nightshirt. Laudna’s eyes slid bashfully to her neckline and saw the violet lines creeping up her neck. And her hands… where the lightning started, down at her fingertips, instead of violet… the scars were red. Like Ruidus.
Laudna swallowed hard, lifting her hand from Imogen’s hip and laying it hesitantly on Imogen’s arm, just below her sleeve. Imogen didn’t wake, but she did let out the most beautiful little sigh, and her fingers twitched just a bit. The scars didn’t feel different, as Laudna had traced her fingertips along them many times before. Imogen seemed to find it soothing after stressful events, though how timid she was about it varied by the day.
As Laudna followed the lines slowly down her arm, touch featherlight, she thought of all the times Imogen had worried and fretted about people seeing them. All the times Laudna had told her she thought they were beautiful, and how that had made Imogen blush. The few times Imogen had told her she hadn’t liked them at all before Laudna came to town, but now she could never hate them because they reminded her of how she had used that power to save her.
Laudna’s hand came to rest on top of Imogen’s, thumb running gently down the deep red line to the tip of her index finger, and she sighed. Imogen’s new dress, hanging over the back of the chair at the vanity beside Laudna’s, had sheer sleeves. She was showing off these scars that used to frighten her, taking ownership of her power. She really did understand, in a way that no one else possibly could, how Laudna was feeling about Delilah.
After another deep breath, Laudna moved her attention to Imogen’s face. She loved how peaceful Imogen looked in her sleep when she wasn’t having nightmares. And she loved how her cheeks and nose were always a little pinker right when she woke up, even though it made it just a little harder to see her freckles (which she also loved). And she loved the slight part of her lips as she breathed, quiet and deep, and she knew what her lips felt like now, what they tasted like, and that thought brought Laudna’s whole world into sharp focus.
They were kissing now. They could kiss any time. Laudna could lean in right this very second and kiss her awake if she wanted to. And she did want to. Like… really badly. But she wanted to let her keep sleeping even more, so logic won out this time. But what a concept. What an idea. They would probably kiss more today. At least she hoped they would. And what a funny thing to hope for after all these years.
“What’s funny about it?”
Laudna’s eyes flicked back up to Imogen’s, only to find them open and gazing at her sleepily. She smiled at the blank shock on Laudna’s face and turned her hand over in Laudna’s to lace their fingers together.
“Sorry, don’t have my circlet on yet,” she said through a yawn, and Laudna frowned a bit in confusion.
“Sorry?” she repeated, and Imogen looked a bit confused right back at her.
“I read your thoughts without asking,” she explained, and her voice sounded so pretty like this, first thing in the morning when it was a bit lower and rougher than usual. She blushed suddenly, then winced. “Shoot, sorry, did it again.”
“Imogen,” Laudna laughed, and she took her hand from Imogen’s fingers so she could brush some errant lavender hairs behind her ear. Then she left her hand there, light and careful on Imogen’s cheek, as she scooted a bit closer to her on the bed. “You know you always have permission.”
Imogen placed her hand on top of Laudna’s to hold it there against her cheek as she looked down, letting out a small sigh.
“But I want you to have a choice, always,” she replied, very quietly. Her eyebrows furrowed further as she seemed to think hard about what she was going to say next, still not meeting Laudna’s eyes. “And I think… I think me bein’ in your head all the time has given me some bad habits.”
Before Laudna could ask what she meant, Imogen sat up and reached for the circlet on the bedside table. She had let Laudna take it off last night when she was having trouble articulating her thoughts, and Laudna only realized now why she had given her the ultimate choice of whether to remove it or not. Laudna slowly sat up beside Imogen as she carefully fixed the circlet in place on her head, and they both sat back against the headboard. Imogen took Laudna’s hand in hers as soon as she was in reach and held it in her lap, a move that Laudna recognized as trying to keep her own hands from fidgeting.
“What sort of bad habits?” Laudna asked, and it was at this point that she started to get nervous again. Imogen seemed upset, and she couldn’t really imagine why. She had always thought Imogen enjoyed Laudna’s thoughts, or at least that’s what she always said.
“I think I’ve just been… complacent, when it comes to your feelings,” Imogen began slowly, and Laudna was about to argue when Imogen squeezed her hand and turned to meet her eyes. “Please, darlin’… let me try to get this out first, alright?” Laudna nodded, trying not to get too hung up on Imogen calling her darlin’ and how sweet it sounded in her accent. “We’ve been together for so long, y’know? We got into a sort of… rhythm. A routine. Like how you always know just what to do when I have nightmares. I would get these surface thoughts of yours, if you were startin’ to get scared or sad, and instead of askin’ you about it and talkin’ about it, I would just try to make it better.”
“That doesn’t sound like a bad habit to me,” Laudna replied gently, placing her other hand in Imogen’s lap so she could wrap an arm around her shoulders and press a kiss to the top of her head.
“I didn’t think so either, until…” Imogen paused, the words caught in her throat. She snuggled herself a bit closer to Laudna’s side. “Until you died.”
Ah, yes. That. Those five-ish days of Imogen’s life that Laudna hadn’t been present for. It was the first time they’d been apart for so long since they’d met, and now that they’d been separated again and Laudna was actually alive for it, she could only imagine how stressful it had been for Imogen.
“We went into that place where Delilah had you trapped,” Imogen continued, very quietly. “And I saw how much you were sufferin’ with my own eyes, and I realized that you’d picked up some bad habits too.”
Laudna sat back a bit to look Imogen in the eyes, confused again, and Imogen took the opportunity to reach up and take Laudna’s face in her hands.
“You are so sweet, Laudna,” Imogen began, smiling as she brushed her thumbs against Laudna’s cheekbones, but there were tears gathering in her eyes and Laudna’s heart sank. “You are so considerate and you are always puttin’ my wellbeing before yours, so I don’t think you even realized you were doin’ it. But you started hidin’ things from me. You started pushin’ things down so I wouldn’t overhear because you didn’t want me to worry. Am I right?”
Laudna had to think about that for a few long moments. She glanced away from Imogen’s watery violet eyes, and Imogen’s hands slid down to her shoulders, though her thumbs kept gently brushing the base of her neck in a way that was quite nice. Imogen was probably right. She knew Imogen used Laudna’s thoughts as a sort of… security blanket. It was a safe place she could escape to when the noise of everyone else became too much. Laudna wanted that space to be as nice as possible for her girl, so maybe… maybe she had done a bit of spring cleaning.
When Laudna met Imogen’s eyes again, Imogen was smiling at her only a little sadly.
“I didn’t mean to hide anything from you,” Laudna began quickly, but Imogen shook her head with a laugh and pulled Laudna into a hug. It was tight and a bit urgent, but so warm and lovely that Laudna sank into it happily.
“I know, sweetheart,” Imogen murmured, voice muffled against Laudna’s neck. “We were both just tryin’ to help each other, but maybe it wasn’t the best thing for either of us. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, darling,” Laudna said firmly when they pulled apart, reaching up and taking Imogen’s face in her hands. “We helped each other so much too, don’t forget that. I loved being a source of calm and safety for you. I hope I… I mean I still want to be that for you, even if you don’t need it anymore.”
Imogen laughed, rolling her eyes fondly before she tugged on Laudna’s neck to bring her close enough to rest their foreheads together.
“You will always be that for me,” she said, and Laudna couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Can I kiss you?” she blurted, and both of them burst into a fit of giggles.
“Alright,” Imogen whispered, already so close that Laudna felt she was breathing the word in more than she was hearing it.
Laudna closed the small distance, and something inside her that had been winding up nervously since she woke up finally released. They were both smiling against each other’s lips, and this was maybe her favorite kind of kiss so far. Slow and sweet and just a bit silly.
When they eventually parted, settling back a bit in each other’s arms, Laudna reached up and ran a light finger along the circlet.
“I do see your point about the bad habits,” she admitted, and Imogen grinned at her in a way that made Laudna feel terribly important.
“I don’t know if I ever would’ve asked to kiss you if I didn’t have this,” she replied frankly, glancing up toward Laudna’s hand on the circlet. Laudna considered that for a moment, tilting her head to the side a bit.
“I suppose… you never heard anything remotely romantic from my surface thoughts, all this time,” Laudna said thoughtfully, and Imogen shook her head just a bit. Laudna frowned, distressed. “It’s not… I mean I hope you know, dearest, it’s not from a lack of love for you-”
“I know,” Imogen said quickly, reaching up to take Laudna’s hand in hers again. “I know, darlin’, don’t worry.” The concern left Laudna immediately at the seriousness of Imogen’s tone. “You told me yourself, you hadn’t accessed that part of your brain in however long.”
Laudna grimaced a bit at the memory of that conversation, and Imogen laughed. Gods, Laudna loved that sound.
“Oh, that reminds me,” she said, and Imogen fell silent to listen. “What’s funny about it.”
Imogen tilted her head to the side a bit in confusion, just as Laudna had moments before.
“Right when you woke up, I was thinking how funny it was to hope we’d kiss more today,” Laudna began, and Imogen’s mouth made an ‘oh’ of recognition before she looked rather embarrassed. “I was just remembering our conversation right before the solstice, how we talked about being each other’s tether, how our relationship transcends words.” Imogen smiled at that, a softer, dreamier smile than she had worn yet this morning. “We’ve bared our souls to each other, Imogen, and for me to be so excited by the prospect of getting to kiss you, just seemed… funny.”
“We kinda did this whole thing backwards, didn’t we?” Imogen laughed, and she leaned in for another kiss that Laudna eagerly joined her in.
“No, I think we did it just right, for us,” Laudna whispered against Imogen’s lips as they parted, and several more smiley little kisses were exchanged after that.
“You’re right, though,” Imogen sighed, settling into Laudna’s arms for a morning of languid kisses and whispered ‘I love you’s. “It is kinda funny.”