Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Basically, I’m in love with you.”

“...O-kay? And what do you expect me to do about that?”

“I don’t know. Skewer me to death? Banish me from appearing before you ever again?”

Akutagawa simply raised an eyebrow at him in response. Atsushi shifted on his feet, beginning to feel self-conscious.

“Those aren’t outlandish expectations! You literally threaten my life daily,” he defended, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You remember that but still claim to be in love with me?”

“I didn’t say it was rational! I was just stating a fact! Anyway, are you going to kill me for this or not because I’d rather just get it over with now.”

Akutagawa coughed lightly and shrugged.

“I have no desire to end your life over something so trivial.”

“Trivial?” Atsushi repeats, slightly offended.

“I’ve been agonizing over this for months! You have no idea how guilty I’ve felt.”

“Why would you feel guilty?”

Atsushi stuttered, not quite sure how to explain something that even he didn’t fully understand. 

“It’s-it’s complicated. I mean, I’ve basically been manipulating you! We keep working together and I keep having feelings and I was hiding it from you and-”

“You aren’t intelligent enough to manipulate me, Jinko.”

Atsushi squawked in outrage, hands flailing around him. This conversation was a mess. They were going in circles around the point, Atsushi’s face was burning from embarrassment or frustration or both. And he was STILL waiting to be stabbed.

“I just admitted to having FEELINGS for you. Romantic feelings! How are you acting so normally about this?”

Akutagawa shrugged.

“I see no issue here. So long as your performance during missions does not suffer. Besides, your so-called “feelings” for me,” Akutagawa said this as if smelling something rancid, “will certainly fade quickly.”

“You…think they’ll go away?”

Akutagawa nodded.

“You have a complicated past Jinko, you quickly latch onto anyone willing to give you the time of day. Our recent cooperativeness has confused you. Your brain will come back to its usual modicum of sense soon.”

“You think I’m confused?” Atsushi asked, dumbfounded.

Akutagawa scoffed, “Anyone claiming to have such feelings for me would have to be.”

Atsushi stared at him. Looked hard at everything that made up Akutagawa standing before him and ran their interactions through his brain. The violence, the blood lust, the conflict.

Then, he allowed his brain to drift to thoughts he so often found himself trying to avoid. Thoughts that echoed the understanding they shared, that lingered too long on the memories where gentleness won over aggression between them.

His eyes met Akutagawa’s patient stare. His mouth went dry.

No, he thought, there was no confusion.

He wouldn’t have risked bringing up the topic if there was.

Regardless, Akutagawa still stood in front of him looking wholly unconcerned and wholly unconvinced.

“What if you’re wrong then?”

“I’m not,” Akutagawa replied simply.

His confidence ticked Atsushi off a little. Who was he to stand around and deny the truth right after Atsushi had finally managed to convince himself of it? Who was he to stand around and say so certainly that he can’t be loved with Atsushi standing right in front of him? 

Akutagawa could reject him, hate him, stab him, or whatever else he wanted to do. He could not stand around dictating Atsushi’s feelings. They were the one thing that no one could ever take away from him.

So, Atsushi took on a challenging stance, hand going to his hip and a doubtful expression taking over his face.

“You sure seem confident,” he noted.

Akutagawa’s eyebrows furrowed slightly as he watched him as if surprised by Atsushi’s resistance. 

“I am,” Akutagawa confirmed. 

“Well, so am I,” Atsushi retorted. 

“Why? ”

Atsushi opened his mouth to respond but Akutagawa quickly raised a hand to cut him off, the slightest tinge of red visible on his face. Atsushi had enough self-awareness to privately admit to himself that the reaction probably pleased him more than it should.

“Don’t answer that.”

“Alright. But just so you know, I could. And it would be a very reasonable, true answer because I’m not confused,” Atsushi responded, pointing a threatening finger at Akutagawa.

For the first time Atsushi could remember, Akutagawa actually looked wary of one of his threats which was both vaguely funny and a little sad all at once.

“I still think whatever it is will fade after a little bit of time passes,” Akutagawa responded, still eyeing Atsushi.

“It won’t.”

“I bet it will.”

“I bet it won’t,” Atsushi responded petulantly. He saw Akutagawa’s eyebrow quirk slightly in annoyance.

“Fine. Let’s bet then. What are the terms?”

“You actually want to bet on my feelings?” He gaped at Akutagawa.

“Why not? If you’re going to be so stubborn about this we might as well,” Akutagawa shrugged.

Atsushi stared at him some more. He hated this man. 

Except that he didn’t. 

Which was probably why he didn’t stop to consider the implications before blurting out a confident “Fine! But just so you know, you’re going to lose.”

Akutagawa smirked, “Sure. Terms?”

“I don’t know! You’re the one who’s doubting me here, you decide.”

“Alright, we’ll wait it out then. Give it a few months for you to figure out how absurdly you’re acting.”

“Six?” Atsushi asked, because of course it would be six.

Akutagawa nodded his assent.

There they were. Right back to six months. This time felt lighter though, in many ways.

“You aren’t allowed to try and purposely make me dislike you by the way. And don’t just avoid me to try and sway it. Just, nothing underhanded, alright?” Atsushi added skeptically.

Akutagawa scoffed.

“As if I would need to do things like that. Anything else to add?”

Atsushi thought for a moment before shaking his head.

“No, I think that’s it. I’m reserving the right to call you out if you start playing unfair though.”

“Whatever. I’d do the same but I don’t take you for the type, Jinko.”

Atsushi nodded absently, trying to decide whether or not he was meant to take that as a compliment. 

Akutagawa pulled a hand from his pocket and stretched it out towards him.

Atsushi looked at it uncertainly.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Are you?” Akutagawa shot back.

Atsushi thought it over for a moment.

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable. That’s really why I was telling you in the first place.”

Akutagawa scoffed at him once more.

He stepped forward to bridge the gap between them. His hand reached out to grab Atsushi’s into the handshake.

“If that’s all you’re worried about then you’re worried about nothing at all. There’s hardly anything you could do to make me uncomfortable.”

Atsushi’s face burned. Akutagawa’s hand was cold in his.

Yeah, he thought, I’m definitely going to win this bet.

--- * ---

“Part of our deal was that you weren’t allowed to purposely try and make me dislike you,” Atsushi pointed out, annoyance plain in his tone.

Akutagawa smirked, “Your pitiful feelings are too weak to even stand this, Jinko? Besides I would think you’re used to playing the bait when we work together.”

Atsushi glared at him but didn’t bother with a response.

Instead, he merely stretched a hand up towards Akutagawa from where he laid half-buried in the ground. He half expected to be ignored but Akutagawa’s cold hand reached forward and pulled him back to his feet.

Atsushi rubbed at his sore shoulder and winced.

“You owe me for that one. He threw me way harder than I expected.”

“Owe you?” Akutagawa asked, amusement evident in his tone, “What do you want then? Dinner?”

Atsushi nearly tripped in his attempt to deny it.

“I didn’t mean it like- I wasn’t trying to take advantage of you, I swear-”

Akutagawa held up a hand to stop the rambling.

“I know that, Jinko. I meant casual dinner. Besides, I hardly think that any place open at this time of night would make for a decent date,” he said, frowning up at the moon hanging high in the sky. 

Atsushi resolutely ignored all thoughts about what Akutagawa would consider a good date as he responded.

“You want to go now?”

Akutagawa shrugged.

“I don’t have anywhere else to be. Reports not due until morning.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t see why not then. I am kind of hungry.”

Akutagawa rolled his eyes as he walked past him.

“You’re always hungry. Come on then, Jinko. My treat to repay injuring your delicate shoulders.”

“They aren’t delicate!” Atsushi protested as he jogged to catch up.

It took a bit of strolling before they ran across a late-night food stand. Atsushi was ordered to wait on a nearby bench while Akutagawa ordered.

There was something novel about watching Akutagawa talk to the clerk. Atsushi couldn’t hear him but his body language was something wholly unfamiliar. It was relaxed, casual, maybe a bit tired.

He watched intently as Akutagawa’s hands fiddled with his wallet as he waited to pay. He watched the halted gesturing as Akutagawa spoke.

It was all so very mundane. Mundane and completely new.

Thinking on it, he’d probably seen Akutagawa covered in blood or dirt more often than he’d seen him clean. It wasn’t too surprising that something as simple as watching him order food felt unfamiliar to Atsushi.

He was still staring when Akutagawa finally walked over.

“That’s quite the stare. Are you that hungry?”

Part of him was abruptly seized by the urge to correct the statement. That no, he wasn’t even thinking about the food much less looking at it. Luckily, rationality won out and saved them both from that embarrassing path of conversation.

“I guess so…” he replied instead.

Akutagawa let out an amused breath and set a box down onto Atsushi's lap before sitting down next to him with his own box in his hands.

They ate mostly in silence, the sound of the city enough to fill in the space between them.

“Have you lost the bet yet, Jinko?”

Atsushi looked up in surprise, the hand that had been moving towards his mouth now caught in midair.

Have you lost the bet yet? He asked while the two of them sat together eating the meal he had bought. He asked while the moonlight hit his face in just the right way. As the chopsticks hung loosely between his fingers and his legs stretched out in relaxation in front of him - easy in a way that Atsushi had never seen before.

“Obviously not,” Atsushi replied helplessly, barely resisting the urge to gesture at Akutagawa’s, well, everything in explanation.

Akutagawa blinked in surprise.

He scrutinized Atsushi for just a moment before shrugging and turning back to his food.

“Alright,” he replied.

Atsushi felt his face burning as the silence settled between them once more.

Out of the corner of his eye, Atsushi could tell Akutagawa picked at his food more than he ate it, eventually closing the box and setting it aside altogether before he settled further into the bench, staring upwards at the night sky.

It was the city so there wasn’t much to be seen but it was enough.

They continued to sit together even after Atsushi had also finished his food, finally relaxing from the earlier interaction. It was hard not to, the atmosphere was comfortable, the company more so. The two combined had Atsushi trying to resist a smile.

He wasn’t sure how long they’d been sitting when a quiet buzzing sound interrupted them.

Beside him, Akutagawa let out a resigned sigh as he shifted to pull his phone out of his pocket.

The subtle but obvious signs of reluctance did have Atsushi smiling as he watched Akutagawa talk back and forth with whoever was on the other end of the phone call.

“Fine. I’m on my way,” he said with finality as he hung up.

He let out one more sigh before standing up and glancing over at Atsushi.

“Back to work,” he explained.

Atsushi nodded. 

“Good luck,” he said with a slight wave as Akutagawa began walking away.

Akutagawa didn’t respond and didn’t turn back around, but he did raise a single hand in a wave as he disappeared into the night.

Atsushi eased back onto the bench once he went completely out of sight.

Have you lost the bet yet, Jinko?

What a stupid question.

-- * --

Atsushi felt his stomach lurch uncomfortably when the woman slid past him and reached a hand towards Akutagawa. They’d been trying to avoid that.

They knew she had an ability, they guessed it was activated by touch, they had absolutely no idea what it could do.

Seems they were about to find out if her triumphant yell was anything to go by. 

At the very least, Akutagawa did not, to Atsushi’s great relief, drop dead on the spot when she touched him.

Rather, he kept up what he was doing, his ability flaring around him and driving her away. Atsushi watched nervously for any negative responses for a moment before redirecting his attention back to her.

He ignored the surge of guilt in his chest as he fought. She should never have made it close enough to touch Akutagawa.

Should never have made it past Atsushi. 

But she did. And now all that they could do was deal with it.

Which would be easier if she wasn’t so quick.

Atsushi didn’t even think her speed had anything to do with her ability which somehow made the entire ordeal even more frustrating as she continually predicted and dodged any attack Atsushi launched at her.

Atsushi was in the middle of rushing her when the tendrils surrounding him abruptly froze in place.

Atsushi’s heart dropped and he immediately swiveled around to look.

“This is your ability? This is so useless,” Akutagawa said, irritation dripping from his tone.

If he felt inclined to share his thoughts, Atsushi would tell you this was certainly not useless and also almost definitely the worst ability he had ever encountered. Which - yeah Akutagawa had torn his leg off using Rashomon the first time they had met but, in that moment, Atsushi honestly couldn’t say for sure which experience was worse.

Because Akutagawa was crying. 

Atsushi stayed frozen even as Rashomon recovered and resumed its assault.

Akutagawa’s eyes darted to Atsushi.

“Jinko, focus!” He snapped.

It was watery but the normal bite still came through, maybe with a slight twinge of embarrassment - Atsushi couldn’t decide whether it stemmed from the tears or his staring.

His body moved before his brain could catch up. And, after far longer than Atsushi wanted to admit, he finally landed a hit on the woman and knocked her unconscious.

He slumped over and tried to catch his breath, resolutely stalling in turning around.

Akutagawa was silent behind him, however, and eventually worry won out and he spun around on his heel.

Atsushi immediately wanted to turn back around and look away. He couldn’t look away.

It looked so out of the norm that Atsushi could hardly believe it was real.

Akutagawa stood in front of him furiously wiping at his eyes as tears poured forth.

Atsushi was never good with tears.

Something about seeing someone cry made him fiercely protective - honestly probably because he cried a lot too. No shame. But THIS. This was a whole new level of absolute torture.

And Akutagawa wasn’t even sad.

Akutagawa let out a watery little hiccup and Atsushi’s fingers twitched with the urge to reach out and fix.

He knew he was in love with Akutagawa so his opinion was probably biased but he really thinks Akutagawa’s tears are a special kind of heartbreaking.

The kind of heartbreaking he would expect from Kyouka or Kenji’s tears, certainly not Akutagawa’s.

“I’m sorry she got through me. That was my fault. Did her ability hurt you in any way or did it just do-um- that?” Atsushi gestured vaguely at Akutagawa’s face.

“This is all it did. I’m still going to kill her for it though,” Akutagawa replied, the threat significantly less effective through his light sniffles.

For once Atsushi could sympathize with the sentiment, his instincts going haywire over the fact that she had made Akutagawa cry. Even if it was just through using her ability on him.

“Is it um- did knocking her out stop it?” Atsushi asked awkwardly, shuffling on his feet.

“I think so. Just- give me a moment.”

Atsushi politely averted his eyes as Akutagawa went back to rubbing at his.

Suddenly, the device in his ear crackled and a voice came through.

“Atsushi. Are you two still having trouble getting the ability user down? Dazai and I are making the last turn to get to you now.”

Atsushi saw Akutagawa tense out of the corner of his eye in the exact same way that he did.

Dazai. Akutagawa crying. The whole mess of their past that lay between them.

Yeah, not exactly a great combination in any sense.

Atsushi looked around frantically as Akutagawa tried and failed to wipe away the traces of the tears.

Atsushi’s eyes landed on a hole he had blown into the roof right as his ears picked up the sounds of his superiors approaching.

Acting on panic and instinct alone, Atsushi lunged for Akutagawa’s wrist and threw him down the hole and into the building below.

He winced at the sound of Akutagawa colliding with the floor, clearly too shocked to use his ability to break the fall.

“Sorry! Just stay there for a minute, I’ll get them to go away,” Atsushi called softly.

There was no response which Atsushi prayed was due to the sound of approaching footsteps and not because he had somehow managed to throw Akutagawa directly onto his head or something.

He whirled around to meet Dazai and Kunikida with a smile.

“Hi!” He greeted overly enthusiastically. 

Not a great start.

“We- uh knocked her out already,” he explained a little uselessly considering her crumpled body lay in plain view between the three of them.

“Good work,” Kunikida nodded, seemingly content not to pry further so long as he knew the job was done.

“Where’s Akutagawa?” Dazai asked curiously.

Atsushi forced himself calm. It was impossible to fool Dazai completely.

As soon as the man learned what the woman’s ability was he’d probably be able to guess what happened. 

That did not mean he had to see it though.

So Atsushi kept his feet planted, firmly keeping himself between the two and the hole in the roof.

“Already left,” Atsushi replied, waving him off.

Dazai raised an eyebrow at him. 

Normally, that’s all it would take to get Atsushi talking. Or at least get him wanting to talk.

Instead, he stared back passively.

If Dazai wanted to challenge it, wanted to call out the vague answer, he’d have to do it himself. Atsushi wouldn’t be the one giving it away this time.

Dazai’s other eyebrow followed the first as if he was surprised.

He opened his mouth to speak and Atsushi’s hands felt clammy.

“You forgot to grab the USB off of her, Atsushi,” Kunikida interrupted, holding up a USB stick from where he was searching the unconscious woman - something Atsushi had neglected to do.

“How many times do I have to remind you that even if you subdue the enemy you should-”

“-still take anything important from them right away,” Atsushi finished.

“Sorry, it slipped my mind.”

Kunikida sighed at him.

“Oi, Dazai. You’re carrying this one back this time.”

Dazai gave Atsushi one last look as if debating whether or not to drop the earlier conversation before shrugging and turning to Kunikida.

“Hmm if you say so!” He said cheerfully.

The two began walking back the way they’d come from before turning back to look at Atsushi in sync when he didn’t follow.

His body remained firmly in front of the hole, refusing to even take a few steps forward to give them an excuse.

“Oh, I’ll be back later. I wanted to stop for lunch first,” he shouted, waving them off, hoping he didn’t seem desperate.

Luckily, they seemed content to let him off the hook for the day. It probably helped that there was a fugitive at risk of waking up to deal with.

Only once they were completely out of sight did Atsushi let out a breath and only once his enhanced hearing stopped being able to pick them up did he turn towards the hole.

“Akutagawa?” He called softly.

Rather than answering, Rashomon appeared to pull Akutagawa back to the roof where he gave Atsushi a flat look.

“I’m sorry! There wasn’t anywhere else to hide you and you know how Dazai is so I thought it was a good option-”

“I appreciate the assistance, Jinko. Though next time try to find a better place than pushing me down a hole,” Akutagawa cut him off smoothly, brushing off the dirt from his coat.

Atsushi gaped at him.

“Sorry,” he replied, “for-uh- seeing that.”

Akutagawa shrugged.

“Better you than anyone else,” he said, wiping subconsciously at his eyes once more.

The tears were gone, but the skin was irritated and red.

Atsushi’s heart skipped a beat as he processed the comment.

“Do you…wanna get lunch with me?” he offered.

Akutagawa raised an eyebrow at him.

“You realize I wasn’t actually sad right? I don’t need your pity.”

Atsushi protested immediately.

“No! No! I know that! I just- I enjoyed it last time and wanted to repay the favor,” he clarified.

Akutagawa blinked at him.

“Is that so?” He muttered, mostly to himself.

Atsushi stood awkwardly in place as Akutagawa seemed to mull it over.

“Fine. I’m paying though and you’re the one that goes to the counter,” he said, gesturing irritably at his face.

Atsushi nodded.

Akutagawa began walking away, gesturing for Atsushi to follow.

Once he had caught up, Akutagawa turned to face him better, a small smirk on his face.

“The bet is still on but I will admit today was a point for you, Jinko. Congratulations.”

Atsushi felt the warm feeling of satisfaction settle in his stomach as he smiled back.

“Guess I’ll have to work harder to keep earning more points then,” he replied.

Akutagawa simply hummed in response.

--- * ---

“Jinko…what are you doing?” Akutagawa asked.

“I am not looking at you,” Atsushi replied firmly, gazing intently at the TV in the corner of the room despite the device being off.

“Is this some sort of nonsense?” Akutagawa asked, the bed shifting as he sat down on the opposite side.

“It’s not nonsense. I’m being respectful.”

“Respectful,” Akutagawa repeated.

Atsushi could practically see the frown that surely accompanied that tone.

“Respectful of what?”

“...You.”

“Me?” Akutagawa asked flatly.

“Yeah. You- uh you…” Atsushi REALLY didn’t want to say it.

“I what? Spit it out now Jinko or neither one of us is ever going to get any sleep.”

Atsushi flushed. Admitting it would mean they would go to sleep. In ONE bed. Surely that would only make Atsushi’s transgression worse. But Akutagawa was nothing if not stubborn so it was either admit it or keep the both of them awake and annoyed for far longer than either of them wanted.

“You, um, you look good,” Atsushi stuttered out.

“I what?”

Atsushi’s already hot face burned even more.

“I already said it. Isn’t that enough of an explanation? Can we go to sleep now?”

“No? Disregarding your…unique tastes,” Atsushi wasn’t sure whether he was more offended on his own behalf or Akutagawa’s, “why is that causing you to stare at a blank television?”

“Because! You aren’t supposed to look. It’s…,” Atsushi’s hands scrambled as he tried to explain, “...intrusive,” he finished lamely.

“Intrusive,” Akutagawa repeated.

“Yes,” Atsushi hissed out, “Now can we please just ignore it and go to sleep?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s annoying me.”

Atsushi’s head whipped over to glare for just a moment before he turned back to stare resolutely ahead.

“I always annoy you,” Atsushi pointed out.

Akutagawa snorted, “Let’s call this a special case then. Stop being weird and look at me.”

Atsushi hesitated.

“I’m not going to stab you for looking at me,” Akutagawa prodded, the aforementioned annoyance starting to creep into his tone.

“You’ve threatened it before!” Atsushi pointed out.

“Recently?”

“...No.”

“Well then there you go. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

“But I was looking at you,” Atsushi protested, hands moving to cover his burning face.

“No, I believe the issue is that you are not looking at me,” Akutagawa replied.

“But I was and- um, I already said what I thought but I shouldn’t think like that. So I-”

“Why not?” Akutagawa interrupted.

“Why not what?”

“Why can’t you think like that?”

Atsushi spluttered. This whole conversation felt like an extended torture session of embarrassment.

“Like I said, it's intrusive.”

“You aren’t a nun falling to temptation just because you looked at someone appreciatively, Jinko. It’s normal to do that.”

Atsushi paused, hands still firmly covering his face.

“Normal?”

He felt Akutagawa shift on the bed next to him.

“Yes. People look at celebrities all the time. They look at strangers and friends and people they find attractive. It’s normal. And it’s still normal even when it’s you doing the looking. Even when you’re looking at me.”

“I’m not-” Atsushi cut himself off before he could actually ask. He felt a foot nudge his own.

“Finish the question. I won’t judge you for it.”

He wouldn’t. Atsushi knew he wouldn’t. Voices of the past echoed in his head.

Dirty. Unclean. Impure. Worthless. 

“I’m not… dirty for it?”

Akutagawa let out a soft sigh next to him.

“No, Jinko. You aren’t dirty. You’re allowed to admire whoever you want.”

“Even you?”

“I believe that’s what I said.”

“But…I like-like you,” Atsushi tried helplessly.

Akutagawa hummed from beside him.

“Noted. My opinion remains unchanged regardless.”

Atsushi slowly lowered his hands and looked over to where Akutagawa sat next to him, leaning back casually on his palms. He quirked his eyebrow at Atsushi.

“Are you done with your nonsense?”

Atsushi’s eyes skirted away but Akutagawa nudged him again.

“You aren’t doing anything wrong just by looking at me Jinko. I already said it was fine. Besides, have you ever known me to put up with anything I dislike?”

That was a good point. Atsushi usually knew Akutagawa to stab anything he disliked. And, miraculously, he was still sitting unstabbed so he forcibly dragged his eyes back over to Akutagawa.

Akutagawa looked back passively, not reacting even as the seconds continued to tick by and Atsushi slowly relaxed.

“Sorry,” he muttered, eyes finally falling to his lap.

“It’s fine,” Akutagawa said, as he shifted to lie on his back and stretch out his legs.

“It was just…a lot at once. And the orphanage-”

“I can guess the picture,” Akutagawa interrupted.

Atsushi nodded, thankful he didn’t have to explain it out loud.

He looked up at Akutagawa again. Akutagawa met his eyes.

“My virtue is, miraculously, still intact despite your clearly lecherous gaze,” Akutagawa assured.

Atsushi finally managed a laugh. He saw Akutagawa’s lips quirk the slightest bit upwards.

He really did look good.

Atsushi looked him over once more, as carefully as he could.

Everything seemed softer than usual. Soft sweatpants, soft t-shirt, soft hair still drying from the shower.

It dulled the usual sharp edges in a way that made Atsushi want to keep looking. In a way that had made him want to look away in the first place.

He looked squarely at Akutagawa’s face. His eyes had shut during Atsushi’s examination, wholly unconcerned over it.

“I like the way you look,” Atsushi said, soft as he could manage as if he didn’t even want it to be heard.

Akutagawa let out a slow exhale and opened his eyes once more.

“I can’t pretend I understand why but I suppose I can thank you for it.”

The last of the anxiety fled Atsushi’s thoughts, exhaustion quickly swooping in to take its place.

“I can explain it to you sometime,” he offered.

Akutagawa’s nose wrinkled and Atsushi smiled at the sight.

“That sounds wholly unpleasant. Also, I doubt you’d last more than a few seconds before stopping from embarrassment.”

Atsushi made a noise of protest.

“I think you would stop me out of embarrassment first.”

Akutagawa hummed, eyes finally falling closed once more.

“Maybe,” he assented, “Probably better to not test that one out one day.”

“Probably,” Atsushi agreed thoughtfully.

“Is your crisis over, Jinko?”

Atsushi laughed a little, “Yeah, I think I’m too exhausted for any more of it tonight.”

“Me too,” Akutagawa replied, not hesitating to flip the lights off with his ability as soon as he got Atsushi’s confirmation.

Atsushi looked through the darkness at Akutagawa’s face. Akutagawa nudged him yet again.

“I know I just said you could but stop looking at me and go to sleep already.”

Atsushi laughed again, apologizing as he laid down.

Sleep came surprisingly easy to him that night.

--- * ---

“Are you upset, Jinko?” Akutagawa forced out, voice waning in spite of himself and his eyes fluttering in their attempts to stay open.

Atsushi’s hands pressed harder as if they could will more strength into the body beneath them.

“Yes,” he gritted out, trying to stay calm.

His throat felt as if it was closing up, rejecting the word and how vastly incapable it was of encapsulating the mess his emotions were at that moment.

Akutagawa let out another shaky breath. His eyes were wide and glassy. He licked his lips uncertainly before speaking.

“Somehow…that makes me happy. Is it because I hate you, Jinko?”

Atsushi felt his eyes burn and focused on maintaining pressure. Akutagawa didn’t react to the lack of response. Simply continued gazing around with his unfocused look and harsh breaths.

“Actually, I think…hate…is probably…” he trailed off, causing Atsushi to look up at him in alarm. Akutagawa’s face had somehow gotten paler, his breaths shallower, and the hazy eyes were beginning to drift closed.

“Hey, no! Akutagawa! Do not fall asleep! I need you to stay awake!” Atsushi pleaded, one hand moving from the wound to tap lightly at Akutagawa’s face, attempting to rouse him from the drowsiness threatening to overtake him.

Akutagawa’s eyes widened for a moment, focusing fully on Atsushi for what felt like the first time since the shot had rang out.

“Hate is probably…not right, is it?”

And before Atsushi could even process the question, let alone respond, Akutagawa’s eyes finally fell fully closed and his body went terrifyingly limp.

---

Later, Atsushi would refuse any requests to outline what happened next.

He didn’t want to think about the panic that overtook him nor the way his hands kept pressing and pressing and pressing.

To the point that Dazai had leaped over to tackle him away upon arriving, nullifying Atsushi’s ability. He had then taken over with more practiced, more human hands. 

All while Atsushi watched helplessly, afraid to touch and cause more harm.

Everyone had told him that Akutagawa would be okay. Hell, Akutagawa had said the same thing before passing out - perhaps a little too familiar with serious injuries for Atsushi’s comfort. 

Dazai had said it, Ranpo had said it, Kunikida had communicated it directly after confirming with the Port Mafia that Akutagawa was in stable condition and would make a full recovery.

Atsushi knew he would be okay. But his hands still felt like they should be pressing and the energy in him had nowhere to go and his thoughts still felt as if they’d been knocked thirty degrees to the left.

He desperately redirected his attention back to his work.

To whatever meaningless report sat in front of him while his partner lay unconscious somewhere in the depths of the Port Mafia.

He wondered if they treated injuries well there. He wondered if Akutagawa would be punished.

The unsettled feeling in his chest got stronger at the thought.

His eyes moved to the clock.

5:41. Nineteen more minutes.

Atsushi took a breath and turned back to the report with renewed focus. He kept his eyes where they were and his brain in line until, finally, he added his signature to the line and set his pen down.

5:56.

It was near perfect timing. He grabbed his phone from where it sat on the corner of the desk and went straight into his messages.

One text per day.  

That was all he would allow himself. He wasn’t dating Akutagawa, he couldn’t even say for sure if they were friends most days. And, he wouldn’t force his own worries and fears onto Akutagawa if he didn’t want them.

So, just one text a day was the compromise. 

He ignored the string of unanswered messages he’d already sent the previous few days and went straight to typing.

Hope you’re doing well.

He stared at the numbers at the top of the screen and waited until they finally turned to 6:00 p.m. so he could hit the send button.

As soon as he did, his phone vibrated from a text coming through.

He stared wide-eyed at the message that appeared just below his own.

Texting me at the same time every single day, Jinko? You sure seem to have a lot of free time.

He abruptly stood from his seat and, ignoring the looks of confusion (and a few of understanding), went straight to the door and all the way up to the roof.

It wasn’t enough. He needed to know for sure. Needed to hear his voice at least. Just to settle himself.

He didn’t hesitate to hit the call button the moment he was alone.

It only rang a few times before the call was picked up.

“Hmm, time to call me too? More free time than I thought.”

Atsushi let out the breath he’d been holding. He took in another that felt simultaneously lighter and more painful all at once.

“Are you okay?” He asked weakly, not caring for the obvious wateriness of his voice. Not caring that Akutagawa normally hated when he asked that.

“I told you I’d be fine.”

“You did. Are you okay?”

Akutagawa let out what sounded like an amused breath.

“I am recovering just fine. Exactly as I predicted and exactly as the Agency was informed. So, yes. I am okay.”

Atsushi fell back to sit on the ground.

Finally.

Finally, the confirmation he was looking for. The only one that he could make himself believe.

“Are…you okay?” Akutagawa awkwardly asked as the silence dragged out.

“Yes. Much better now,” Atsushi replied honestly.

Atsushi listened contentedly to the sounds of rustling from the other end of the call. Not caring in the slightest for the silence between them.

“Were you…worried?”

Atsushi snorted, “Obviously.”

“Badly?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

Atsushi hummed. A small smile on his face.

“Where are you, Jinko?”

“The Agency. Well, the roof of the Agency.”

“Ditching work?”

“A little,” Atsushi admitted sheepishly, no point in lying when it was obvious.

“Good. Come meet me then.”

Atsushi bolted up to his feet immediately.

“Where?” He asked without hesitation.

Akutagawa went into stunned silence before a short laugh came through the receiver. Atsushi’s chest ached. He really needed to see him.

“So eager?”

“Shut up,” he replied, a blush heating up his cheeks.

“I’m at the local park. At our usual bench.”

“Our” usual bench…

“I’m on my way there now.”

Akutagawa gave a little hum of confirmation and hung up the phone.

Atsushi ran off the roof and back to the Agency.

“I’m leaving,” he announced, carelessly throwing his things into his bag.

“Good work today,” Kunikida said absentmindedly, eyes not straying from the screen of his laptop.

“Have fun on your date!” Dazai said cheerily, waving at him.

Atsushi’s face went red.

“It’s not-”

“Wish Akutagawa a fast recovery for us,” Kunikida added, cutting him off and giving him a teasing smile.

Atsushi’s jaw dropped. He made a mental note to tell the president that Kunikida was clearly spending too much time with Dazai.

Not bothering to check if he had grabbed everything, he shut his bag and ran out the door to muffled laughter coming from behind him. His coworkers were a nightmare. They were lucky he loved them.

Once on the street, he barely restrained himself from using his ability to get to his destination faster. Might as well avoid a scolding accompanying Kunikida’s newfound ability to make fun of Atsushi.

Luckily, the park wasn’t far though. If it had been, Atsushi would have made it a rare occasion where he takes a taxi.

As it was, he still made it in a frankly impressive amount of time, beelining for the bench he and Akutagawa had taken breaks on time and again before.

When it finally came into view, Atsushi stopped in his tracks.

Because there he was.

Alive, well, looking wholly peaceful as he sat waiting for Atsushi.

“You’re okay,” Atsushi noted dumbly.

“Yes? I believe we’ve established that,” Akutagawa replied, still infuriatingly amused.

But he patted the spot on the bench next to him to beckon Atsushi over and suddenly Atsushi couldn’t bring himself to be annoyed.

He looked Akutagawa over carefully as he sat down, but any sign of injury was covered by his clothes, masked away from Atsushi.

“Stitches?” Atsushi asked, aware that he was utterly failing at his attempt to casually probe for more details.

Akutagawa nodded, lips quirking downwards.

“Did I-” Atsushi trailed off, not quite knowing how to ask.

“I received stitches for the bullet wound. Nothing else was bad enough to warrant them,” Akutagawa replied easily.

Atsushi let out a breath. 

He’d barely even been aware his claws had manifested back then. They must have left some sort of mark considering Akutagawa knew what he had been asking but knowing it hadn’t been serious helped ease something inside of him.

“I’m sorry.”

Akutagawa shrugged him off.

“No need for it. You applied pressure and stopped me from bleeding out. You wouldn’t scold a paramedic for breaking your ribs during CPR.”

Atsushi hardly found the situations comparable but he wasn’t in the mood to bicker about it so he allowed the comment to pass.

They lapsed into silence for a while again before Akutagawa broke it.

“Sorry for worrying you,” he said awkwardly, clearly not used to the apology or the idea that someone might care enough to worry at all.

“Don’t be. I’m just glad you’re okay. I might have gotten into my head and panicked a little more than I should have,” Atsushi replied, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

Akutagawa hummed, leaning back slightly to relax further onto the bench.

Safe and relaxed, choosing to spend his time with Atsushi of all people.

“Can I hold your hand?” Atsushi didn’t think much as he asked, pure instinct taking over as was common when Akutagawa was around.

Akutagawa froze for a moment as if processing the request before finally turning to give him a complicated look.

“You want to hold hands with a murderer?”

And Atsushi couldn’t view the question as anything other than a trap.

The bet, the soft moments that were riddled with underlying tension, Akutagawa’s near-constant puzzled looks - this question laid at the heart of them.

And Atsushi had considered it carefully.

How could he not?

It had been rattling around in his mind since practically his very first positive thought about Akutagawa.

Sitting face to face with him now, Akutagawa staring at him evenly, all Atsushi could do was give his honest answer.

He reached his hand slowly towards Akutagawa’s as he spoke, giving him time to reject it.

“I don’t know. I just know I want to hold your hand.”

He made contact with Akutagawa’s skin, it was cold. It was always cold.

He watched his fingers curl around Akutagawa’s limp palm one by one, slowly and gently as he could manage. 

“I want to hold your hand a lot. Because I like you a lot. I’ve decided that’s all there is to it.”

There were a million and one things Atsushi could use to keep them apart, but looking down at their hands, he was more confident than ever that they were better together. Better in a way that made those million and one things almost feel manageable.

Atsushi smiled as he finally looked up, giving Akutagawa’s hand a reassuring squeeze just because he could.

Akutagawa stared blankly at him for a moment before letting out a breath.

“Alright then, if you’re so sure,” he replied, fingers curling to squeeze Atsushi’s hand back.

-- * --

Atsushi had not expected to run into Akutagawa that night. Especially considering the time as well as the size of the city.

But there he was.

Sitting peacefully on God knows what building, the very same building Atsushi decided to stumble upon during his insomnia-driven exploration of the area.

“Working?” He asked, causing Akutagawa to turn his head.

“No. Just thinking,” he responded, not questioning Atsushi’s sudden presence nor protesting as Atsushi settled next to him.

Atsushi hummed but didn’t reply, content to sit quietly with his partner.

“Jinko.”

Atsushi turned his head to find Akutagawa avoiding his gaze.

“I need to ask you a question.”

Atsushi stared at him.

“O-kay? What is it? You know I’ll answer.”

Akutagawa nodded more to himself than anyone else, as if he had expected that response. 

“Why do you like me?” He asked.

This time there was no hint of red on his cheeks, no uncertainty in asking the question. Instead, it was full of confusion and curiosity.

“Hmm, you’re early. Six months ends tomorrow,” Atsushi said, raising an eyebrow at him.

Akutagawa kicked at his shin.

“Humor me then.”

And Atsushi, easily putting aside their penchant for teasing one another, answered with all the sincerity he could muster in the simplest way he knew how.

“Because I know you.”

Perhaps that wasn’t the best explanation. Perhaps he could have gone into more detail.

But then again, knowing Akutagawa also meant knowing that the man would understand him anyway. Which was only proven by the slow breath that he let out in response to Atsushi’s words.

Suddenly, two hands came up to grip lightly at Atsushi’s collar and tug him forward.

“I know you too,” Akutagawa muttered right before leaning in and pressing their lips together firmly.

One of Atsushi’s hands instinctively went to Akutagawa’s waist, gripping gently as he resisted the urge to press closer, allowing Akutagawa to lead him and keep the kiss relatively chaste.

Akutagawa eventually pulled back, but he didn’t go far.

Atsushi stared at him wide-eyed.

“I won’t say more than that yet,” Akutagawa muttered, avoiding meeting Atsushi’s eyes.

“That’s okay. I can wait,” Atsushi choked out.

He took a deep breath to gather himself, ignoring that Akutagawa could probably feel it from how close they still were.

“Should we make another bet on it? Six months part three?” Atsushi asked teasingly despite the way his voice still wobbled slightly.

Akutagawa’s eyes shot back toward him.

“As if I would need six months for that. If you insist on doubting me so much then maybe I’ll just say it right now. I-”

Before he could finish, Atsushi leaned forward to cut him off by locking their lips back together.

Despite being interrupted, Akutagawa still kissed him back.

Atsushi pulled away fast before he could get distracted, nerves and excitement swirling around in equal parts in his stomach.

“Don’t say anything. Not until you’re ready.”

Akutagawa looked him over, likely taking note of Atsushi’s red cheeks and nervous fiddling.

“Until I’m ready or until you’re ready?” He questioned, amusement coloring his tone.

Atsushi groaned, head falling forward to rest on Akutagawa’s shoulder.

He felt a tentative hand move to rest on his spine and shivered in response.

“Akutagawa.”

“Hmm?”

“I’m in love with you.”

Pressed so closely, he could feel every reaction his words evoked. The quick heartbeat, the shaking hands, the caught breath.

“I…I’m getting there,” Akutagawa admitted.

“Okay,” Atsushi replied breathlessly.

Akutagawa’s palm cupped his cheek, urging him to look up again.

They locked eyes and Akutagawa studied him for just one moment more.

“I won’t say it yet but I will say one thing to you now-”

He leaned forward, pressing a kiss so soft to Atsushi’s cheek that it was scarcely there at all.

“Thank you. For loving me.”