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Wylan felt like he was stuck in a nightmare, Kaz’s words echoing through his head over and over again - meet Wylan Van Eck.
The air in the room had shifted as soon as the words left his mouth.
Meet Wylan Van Eck.
Next to him Wylan could feel Jesper tense up.
Meet Wylan Van Eck.
This wasn’t how he was supposed to find out.
Wylan could feel Nina’s eyes on him.
This wasn’t how any of them were supposed to find out.
They weren’t ever supposed to find out.
Meet Wylan Van Eck.
“You knew,” Wylan said, hating how small and shaky his voice sounded.
“Of course I knew,” Kaz said, disdain clear in his voice.
Kaz had gotten even more cruel since Inej left, and up until this point Wylan had felt mainly pity for him. It was clear that Kaz was hurting without her by his side, and it was very likely that something had happened between the two before her departure.
Now though, now Wylan felt nothing but anger and hurt when he looked at Kaz.
“Why do you think I recruited you?” Kaz asked, further twisting the knife.
Breathing was starting to get difficult for Wylan, and he found that he couldn’t answer. He knew what he wanted to say, his body just wouldn’t cooperate. So instead he stood there in silence, as the world around him started to get blurry. He realized that there were tears gathering in his eyes, and he angrily wiped them away, feeling utterly pathetic.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
It was Jesper who spoke.
Wylan turned his head to him, but Jesper wasn’t looking at him, he was glaring at Kaz. Jesper had removed the arm that had been wrapped around Wylan, instead crossing his arms in front of him, and the hard set of his jaw made it obvious he was angry, but he hadn’t stepped away from Wylan so far.
“It means that he is our insurance on 30 million kruge,” Kaz sneered.
“Insurance?!” Jesper repeated, his voice raising in volume, “you mean hostage,” Wylan hadn’t heard Jesper sound this angry since they were at Black Veil Cemetery after Inej had gotten hurt.
“Please, it’s not like I’m suggesting we hurt him,” Kaz said in a tone that suggested he thought Jesper was acting difficult for no reason, “after this is all said and done, and we’ve all gotten our money, Wylan will get to go back to his soft cushion life on Geldstraat, silver spoon and all,”
Wylan’s mind was racing a mile a minute as he took in Kaz’s words. Go back to Geldstraat. If Kaz believed that is what would happen, that meant Kaz didn’t know how Wylan ended up in the Barrel. Kaz didn’t know that Wylan’s father had tried to have him killed.
Kaz didn’t know that Wylan made for worthless insurance.
Jan Van Eck was more likely to pay Kaz for killing Wylan than to get his son back.
Wylan looked at Kaz, regarding him as he tried to figure out what Kaz would do with that knowledge.
Wylan didn’t think Kaz would hurt him, but he had also thought that Kaz recruited him for his knowledge on demolition. That Kaz had seen him as a crow. As a friend.
And this was 30 million kruge they were talking about.
No, Wylan couldn’t let Kaz know his father had tried to have him killed, at least not yet. Not until Wylan had time to figure out what Kaz might do with the information.
Wylan glanced at Jesper.
The important question right then was if Wylan could trust Jesper with the information. Kaz had barely had to put any pressure on Jesper at all when it had been about Alby Rollins, but this wasn’t some child they didn’t know, this was Wylan.
Who Jesper had given a key to his room so that Ketterdam could feel like a home to Wylan.
Who Jesper had opened up to about being Zowa.
Who had been lying to Jesper all along about who he was.
Wylan swallowed down the guilt, looking down at the floor.
“Daddy dearest are certainly dying for the reunion,” Kaz said next, causing Wylan to look up at him in confusion.
“What?” he asked, seeing Kaz hold up something.
An envelope.
That was supposed to be hidden under Wylan’s bed in the workshop.
It had been opened.
The edges of Wylan’s vision turned black as everything seemed to zero in on the letter in Kaz’s hand. He didn’t hear what was said, everything sounding like it was far away, or on the other side of a wall, but suddenly the letter was in front of him. Without thought Wylan reached up and accepted it, holding the paper in his hands and staring down at it.
His thoughts were too slow, like molasses, and he didn’t know what he was meant to do.
Why had he been given the letter?
He couldn’t read it.
A gentle touch at his chin made him look up and meet Jesper’s gray eyes. Jesper still held himself stiffly, but his eyes were soft. With a sigh Jesper took the letter from Wylan’s hands, moving slow enough that Wylan could stop him if he wanted to.
“What are you-” Kaz said, getting interrupted by Jesper.
“I’m reading the fucking letter,” the words were practically a snarl.
Kaz’s eyes narrowed, and the sight made panic spike in Wylan.
Kaz could not be allowed to also know that Wylan was defective.
“Look at him Kaz, he’s moments away from a panic attack,” Jesper said when he saw Kaz’s gaze, “or are you enjoying bullying him?”
The words made Kaz sneer, but he remained silent and looked away.
As Jesper raised the letter and began reading it, Wylan did his best to listen and focus on what he was saying.
“If you’re r-” Jesper paused to glance at Wylan who met his gaze, apprehensive to hear his father’s words spoken. Jesper swallowed and looked back down at the letter.
“If you’re reading this, I want you to know how much I miss you and want you home,”
It was short, to the point, and cruel.
Oh so cruel.
When he finished reading Jesper looked back at Wylan, a question in his eyes. Wylan gave a miniscule, barely perceptible shake of the head.
“There were several of them, all of them some version of that or that he’s sorry, clearly your father misses you and wants you home,” Kaz said in the silence following Jesper reading the note. Kaz’s voice was soft now, like Wylan was some child that needed to be comforted.
Wylan remained silent, simply looking at Jesper who just as resolutely held his gaze.
When Wylan didn’t answer him Kaz began speaking again, sounding more irritated.
“I realize that there was likely some falling out between the two of you, but running away to the Barrel of all places was nothing but stupid Wylan, if I hadn’t realized who you were and kept you alive you would-”
“Enough,” Jesper interrupted him, breaking eye contact with Wylan to glare at Kaz, “I’ve had it with hearing you talk like Wylan doesn’t mean anything to us, like he’s nothing but a hostage,” as he spoke his voice raised and he began walking toward Kaz, and it didn’t take long until he was practically screaming, “If it wasn’t for Wylan we’d all be dead, several times over,”
Wylan could see Kaz’s jaw clench as he glared back at Jesper, tightening the grip on his cane.
“Whoa, that’s enough, both of you,” Nina said, suddenly stepping in between the two.
Wylan jolted slightly, having almost forgotten that she was in the room with them.
She was clearly angry, her eyebrows set in a deep frown as she looked from Jesper to Kaz and back.
“We need to all take a step back and breathe, before someone does something even more stupid,” she said, and Wylan felt a surge of satisfaction at the extra hard glare she shot Kaz.
“I don’t know about you guys, but I could go for some food right now,” she continued, clearly telling them all that they needed a break.
“We need to make a plan,” Kaz grumbled, sounding almost petulant to Wylan’s ears.
“The plan can wait Brekker, you just dropped a veritable bomb of information, and now you have to deal with the aftermath,” Nina said, leaving no room for further argument.
Kaz glared at her, but didn’t say anything as his eyes wandered from her to Jesper and then finally to Wylan. As he looked at Wylan, Kaz's shoulders dropped slightly, and he looked away from them all before giving a short nod, relenting.
“Kaz,” Wylan said as the other man took a step towards the door. The call made Kaz stop and look back at Wylan silently.
“The other letters, do you still have them?” Wylan asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Yes,” Kaz said, voice even.
“Can I have them?” Wylan asked, taking a breath to steady himself, “my father … he was very angry, when … when I left, I didn’t think he’d ever want to … I want to see them, for myself,” Wylan said, playing to Kaz’s preconceived notion that Wylan and his father had simply had a fight, and Wylan hadn’t dared to hope that his father would want him back. The idea made the words feel like ash in Wylan’s mouth, but he forced them out all the same.
Wylan had no intention of having the letters read, as soon as he had them he would burn them.
Like he already should have.
“They’re in my office, I’ll bring them to you later,” Kaz answered, and Wylan gave a nod, forcing a grateful smile onto his face.
“Thank you,”
Kaz nodded back to him before walking out of the room.
“So, anyone else up for some waffles?” Nina said, breaking the silence that fell between them once the door closed.
Wylan looked to Jesper, dreading the conversation that was coming between the two of them, but also knowing it had to happen.
“Maybe some other time,” Jesper said, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.
Nina looked between the two of them for a beat, a nervous frown on her face. It struck Wylan then that she was likely worried that they needed an intermediary, and that had been why she suggested food.
Wylan gave her a reassuring smile and walked up to her. Behind him he could sense Jesper backing up and turning to look out the window, understanding that Wylan wanted to speak to Nina.
“Nina, I’m sorry,” he began saying, but got interrupted by Nina shushing him.
“You don’t have to apologize to me, I worked as a spy, I’ve lied about who I am plenty of times, I know it’s never because it’s so fun ,” she said, a soft smile on her face as she spoke, “there’s no hard feelings from me,” and Wylan felt something relaxing at her words, knowing that there was at least one relationship he hadn’t burned.
Nina glanced over Wylan’s shoulder, at Jesper, and when she spoke again she did so in a lower, softer voice.
“If I were you, I’d apologize to him instead,” she said, her eyes and tone gentle. Then she reached out and brought him into a quick hug, whispering, “but don’t let him push you around,” before she left as well.
Wylan turned back to Jesper, seeing him already watching him.
Without a word Jesper gestured with his head towards the stairs. Wylan gave him a nod and walked towards them, hearing Jesper follow behind.
Neither of them said a word as they walked to their room. The silence heavy and tense between them as Wylan could sense Jesper’s anger rising again. Like he had put bands on it in front of the others, but now that it was just the two of them he could let it show.
Once in the room Jesper pointed at the bed, telling Wylan to “Sit,” while he himself leaned against the desk, putting himself in between Wylan and the door. Wylan wondered if it was to make sure that he couldn’t escape, or if it was to give Jesper an easy exit. Still, Wylan did as asked and took a seat on the edge of the bed - his back ramrod straight.
“So, Van Eck,” Jesper said, his fingers running over the handles of his revolvers in the way they always did when he was upset or nervous.
Wylan didn’t say anything, just looked at Jesper and waited for him to continue. Jesper seemed to contemplate what to say next, and as he did his expression turned more and more sour.
“Were you ever gonna tell me you were a fucking merchling?” he asked finally, voice laced with venom, and Wylan felt something in him break at the term. He hadn’t told anyone about his identity for fear of his life, if it got out that he was Wylan Van Eck and it got to his father Wylan was as good as dead, but part of him had also been afraid of judgment from Jesper. He had heard Jesper talk about the merchers, and how disdainful he seemed to find them. To Wylan it was an obvious conclusion that Jesper wouldn’t want to be with him anymore if he found out where Wylan had grown up.
Wylan didn’t say anything, just looked at Jesper, and in the back of his mind he took stock of all of his things in the room, calculating how long it would take him to clear out, and happy that he had kept the key to his workshop.
Jesper looked back at him, and it was clear that Wylan didn’t need to speak, his silence was answer enough for Jesper.
“So you were just going to walk around and let me think that this meant as much to you as it does to me?” Jesper asked, beginning to sound almost desperate as tears seemed to be gathering in the corners of his eyes.
Wylan felt his heart break at the sight, and he hurried to stand up, but before he could begin to correct Jesper the other man had already continued, sounding so angry.
“What was this then? Just some fun with a Barrel rat before you run back home to daddy?”
“I can’t go back!” Wylan shot back, suddenly feeling just as angry as Jesper. Did Jesper really think so low of him?
“I thought you understood that,” he added, feeling tears gathering in his own eyes.
“Oh please,” Jesper snarled, “so you had a fight and ran away-” the derision evident in his voice and eyes as he talked, making Wylan feel small.
“I didn’t run away!” Wylan interrupted in a harsh voice, stunning Jesper into silence.
The two of them stood there for a few moments, looking at each other, and Wylan was overcome with the sudden urge to explain himself. For Jesper to know that he wasn’t some spoiled brat that ran off to the Barrel because his father said no one time.
Jesper looked at him with a confused frown and a clear question in his eyes. Wylan sighed and sat down on the bed again, regretting the urge. Now he would have to tell Jesper about that night. All because he couldn’t stand the thought of Jesper thinking less of him.
“He said I’d go to Belendt for school,” Wylan began, glancing up at Jesper, “music,” he explained.
“Okay,” Jesper said, apprehension in his voice as fear started to mingle with the confusion in his eyes.
“I was supposed to go there on a boat, and he hired some men to accompany me, for security,” a lump was forming in Wylan’s throat, making it difficult for him to keep speaking, and he swallowed around it.
“We’d barely made it out of the harbor when…” the lump became too big, too painful, and how voice failed him.
He hadn’t told anyone before.
He hadn’t even allowed himself to think about it.
“Wylan?” Jesper’s voice was soft and full of concern as he sat down on the bed next to Wylan, making Wylan look up at him.
“What happened Wylan?” Jesper asked, but in his eyes Wylan saw nothing but apprehension, like he really didn’t want an answer to his question.
Wylan opened his mouth in an attempt to tell Jesper, but all that came out was a small, broken sound, and Wylan felt what little was left of his courage fail him.
“No, it was nothing,” he said instead in a nervous fit of energy, wanting to distance himself from what had happened that night on the water. Feeling a need to run, but forcing himself to simply pace the room.
“Wylan,” Jesper said from his spot on the bed, talking as if Wylan was a cornered animal he didn’t want to startle.
“I can’t, okay, I just can’t,” Wylan said frantically.
“Okay,” Jesper said, making Wylan momentarily stop and look at him, not having expected Jesper to simply accept that. Wylan was soon moving again however, still filled with restless energy that likely wouldn’t leave him until he and Jesper finished the conversation.
“So, something happened,” Jesper stated from the bed, following Wylan’s route across the room closely with his eyes, his body taut like a wire, ready to spring up and follow Wylan if he tried to escape.
“Yeah,” Wylan said, figuring that Jesper was trying to fish for what had happened. If Wylan was entirely honest he was relieved, it meant he wouldn’t have to find the words, just yes or no.
“and you… got hurt?” Jesper continued.
“Yeah,”
“and the men your father hired weren’t there to protect you,” the suggestion made a huff of laughter escape Wylan, involuntarily and humorless.
“Oh, they were there,” Wylan said sardonically, not able to stop the bitterness from overtaking him. It was easier that way. Letting himself be angry instead of scared.
“Okay,” Jesper sounded unsure and hesitant again, and if he had looked over at him Wylan was sure he would have seen fear back in his gaze.
“They were the ones hurting me,” Wylan said with a tight smile on his face, as if he was telling a joke, only it wasn’t a very funny one.
“What?” Jesper said, sounding shocked and appalled, and Wylan felt a sick sort of satisfaction from it. Like Jesper had underestimated him and Wylan had just proved him wrong, letting himself be fuelled by the feeling Wylan kept talking.
“I was never meant to reach Belendt you see, there was no spot for me at the school. He didn’t even go to the trouble of making fake documents, he just handed me blank papers in an envelope, knowing that I wouldn’t look at them,” Wylan was ranting, he knew he was, but once the words started he had trouble stopping.
“How did you get back?” Jesper intercut, making Wylan stop and look back at him.
“What?” Wylan said, finally looking at Jesper again. There were definite tears gathering in his eyes as he looked at Wylan with dread. It looked as if he was afraid Wylan would disappear, like it didn’t matter that Wylan was standing there in front of him, clearly still alive.
“From the boat, how did you get back?” Jesper clarified, his voice breathy and thin as he had to pause to swallow as he spoke, clearly having trouble forcing words out.
“I swam,” Wylan said, and suddenly there was no satisfaction in seeing Jesper shocked or upset. Jesper hadn’t underestimated Wylan from some maliciousness, he just hadn’t known.
“Saints, Wy,” Jesper said, standing up and walking over to Wylan in three long strides, pulling him into a hug. Wylan immediately melted into Jesper, clinging to him desperately. For several long seconds they just stood there, holding onto each other and letting their breathing slow down.
“You want him dead?” Jesper asked after a while, his words muffled by speaking into Wylan’s head. The question made Wylan let out a laugh, making him feel a bit lighter again.
“You laugh, but I’m serious,” Jesper’s tone was playful as he spoke, the smile evident, “Honestly, once Kaz knows I’m not entirely sure you’d be able to stop him if you wanted to,”
The words made Wylan’s stomach drop and he quickly drew away from Jesper.
“Kaz can’t know!” Wylan said, his voice harsh from sudden fear.
“What, why not?” Jesper asked, confused.
“He just can’t,” Wylan answered, restlessness taking over his body again and making him back up further from Jesper.
“Wy, Kaz is planning on using you to make sure your father pays, this kind of complicates that, don’t you think?” Jesper said, sounding on the verge of angry again.
“You can’t tell him,” Wylan wasn’t sure what he’d do if Jesper didn’t listen to him.
“You don’t think he’ll need to know?” Jesper asked, as if trusting Kaz was a forgone conclusion.
Obvious.
Easy.
Maybe it had been, for Wylan as well, until he knew that Kaz had known who Wylan was all along, and saw him as a hostage. Had always seen him as a hostage.
“Not yet,” Wylan said, hoping it would be enough to assuage Jesper’s irritating need to please Kaz.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Jesper asked, and Wylan was starting to get really frustrated with him.
Right then Wylan really needed to know that Jesper wouldn’t say anything.
That Wylan could trust him.
Wylan stepped up to Jesper, taking a hold of his lapels and forcing him to look at Wylan.
“Promise me,” he said as emphatically as he could, needing Jesper to just say it.
That wasn’t too much to ask, right?
Jesper looked at Wylan with a torn expression.
Wylan couldn’t have that.
“Please, Jesper,” Wylan said, feeling desperation clawing at him.
He needed to trust Jesper.
Some of it must have shown in Wylan’s eyes, because the air seemed to leave Jesper as he took him in.
“Okay,” Jesper said, bringing a hand up to cradle Wylan’s cheek, “I won’t tell him,”
Wylan let out a shuddering breath, letting his head fall forward to rest against Jesper’s chest as something relaxed in him.
He could trust Jesper.
Maybe, just maybe, this could turn out okay.