Chapter Text
Alone again, she was starting to find a trend.
Her pads scraped across the stone beneath her and her mossy bed. The den was warm thanks to the frond barrier at the entrance, but that didn’t stop the den from being any less lonely. A dark, stoney den kept her ears prickled and mind constantly filled with troubling thoughts.
Perhaps this was why Jayfeather refused to come meet her at most times. She assumed it was his age that prevented him from traveling up to her– he would never admit how old he’d gotten, or at least never admit how much that weight on his shoulders as an apprentice that made his body labored.
Though looking at it now, it was probably the crushing silence of her alone.
Fernsong would visit her often, bring her meals or sleep with her and just fill the silence and space, but even he would leave her to go on patrol.
Then her kits would come– they were no longer so small, no longer the reason she refused leadership, but they’d always be so tiny to her. They’d bring her stories, or ask some for themselves. They never lingered too long. Her rise to leadership hadn’t made a rift between them, but it made them more cautious of taking up her time.
After her family would come her mentor. Someone she’d seen as a sister and mother when she struggled greatly. Cinderheart understood her best when it came to the past and she often shared bits of wisdom when visiting. She must’ve seen her struggling without needing her to voice concerns. It was that type of silent communication that made her wish she wasn’t so easy to read.
After anyone and everyone had visited her for the day, she’d finally head down her great cliff to the tiny little cove that hid the medicine herbs and storage, and there she’d find Jayfeather who would grumble and scoff at her, uncaring of her leadership. He’d tell her to either make herself useful or begone. She would laugh and tease him but always seemed to find her paws full with herbs she must’ve counted a million times just to keep Jayfeather from kicking her out.
Whether he noticed that or not he didn’t seem to care. Instead letting her be.
All in all when everything was done and the sun was setting, she’d linger a little longer than necessary wishing time would freeze in place– back to the time she was a willful apprentice and her sister was nestled by her side, and all she had to do was please her mentor.
Somehow life just continued on. Ever a track till she was pulled from her thoughts by the flick of a tail, a gentle touch of a nose against her shoulder, or a soft question if she wanted a midnight walk.
She was not as strong as her clanmates thought, nor was she as ready for this leadership as anyone else.
Despite it all here she was in the furthest corner of her den trying to ignore the bubbling thoughts at the back of her mind, wondering vaguely if Jayfeather was awake right now with the same questions.
Her thoughts swirled of the past she would never be a part of. The past she helped change vainly for the better. She thought of Squirrelflight alive, with her children. She thought of Brambleclaw and his sincere words. She thought of Honeypaw and the other apprentices wondering the impact changing everything would have on them.
Would she even be born? Would Dovewing? Should she even worry about that? Without her sister’s birth the prophecy would never take place and the Dark Forest would never rise. It would never rise for a second time. Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight would be alive here and the world wouldn’t feel so disconnected.
“It’s times like these you should be asleep instead of worrying over trivial things.” She heard the gruff meow, but barely processed the words when Jayfeather thrusted his muzzle in carrying a pile of leaves.
Even in her half lucidness of doubt, she managed a reply. “Like you aren’t up too?”
Jayfeather didn’t try to answer, not that it would have mattered. Instead he pushed forward the bundle of herbs. “I can’t sleep either. The poppy should ease your nightmares, the tansy is for the cold going around camp.”
She hummed, lapping up the back seeds. Her eyes resting on the tansy leaves before chewing one up. “How’s your shoulder?”
He flexed his paw, reaching out to gather the stray leaves she didn’t eat, instead taking one himself. “It’s more or less gone. Just stiffness. Wounds don’t travel like you would expect them to.” He mumbled a little too knowingly, but Ivypool wouldn’t push away her company.
“Is that all you came to do?”
The words lingered between them. “Is that all you wanted?” He asked back, extending an offer to her to reach out for more. For once he seemed restless, and gave her the opportunity to ask for something.
“No.”
And she was going to be truthful even if her pride was wounded.
“Do you mind staying the night? It's… it's lonely here.” She mumbled.
Jayfeather titled his head. He clambered to his paws, stepping over to settle next to her. Their pelts brushing.
“Jayfeather…?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think I’m a good leader? Well, as real a leader as I can be?”
Jayfeather always gave her honest opinions. She wanted to know if her reality was anything like she was imagining. She wanted to know if others could see how vulnerable she was or if she was the leader they imagined her to be. Fearless, courageous, confident… good.
“I mean, that’s why you gave me leadership… after Squirrelflight’s death? You thought I’d be a good leader?” She knew it was a sore subject barely shared a few moons ago.
“Do you want to know the truth?”
The truth? Had he been lying to her?
“I didn’t know who to pick.” He answered simply. “There was no clear decision to me. I was– I was in pain, and wasn’t in my right mind to be making decisions. If I didn’t know Brackenfur would pass a few moons after Squirrelflight, I might would’ve considered him. He had a level-head and knew the clan best. It was clear if his age would have allowed he’d have been a good deputy and leader.” He hummed and she could agree. Brackenfur had Firestar and Graystripe as mentors. He was wise beyond his years.
“That’s not to say you weren’t an option. You’re in this den because I thought you’d do well– I knew you could. In fact, you were my second option.” He mused sitting up in the nest to draw a paw over his ear to clean.
“You’d have trusted me if I told you the truth, and I trust you to understand what I was going through at the time to follow me. Brackenfur wouldn’t have agreed with me– to keep Starclan a secret from the clans. He might have been the best leader, but he wasn’t the best at understanding when to act. I wouldn’t have been able to convince him either. That’s why I didn’t make him leader.” He reached out to Ivypool to place his head on top of her’s.
“Do you understand?”
“You picked me because I’d be an easy leader to control?”
Jayfeather snorted. “Easy? You’ve criticized everything I’ve told you, every plan I’ve made. You aren’t an easy leader. You’re stubborn and headstrong and gods sometimes I wished I’d picked a younger leader– someone who couldn’t smart mouth me without at least getting a cuff on the ear– but I picked you because you were particular. I’d known you longest and when you gave me your trust during the Great Battle; when you put your life on the line, I knew I’d repay that debt to you. Even if it meant shortchanging you.”
Ivypool didn’t know what to say to this. It felt odd knowing the truth. Knowing Jayfeather was holding that debt over his head. That he wanted to repay her in any way he could.
“You thought me being leader was repaying a debt… What if I didn’t want this? What if I still don’t and I’m doing this to please you?”
“You think anyone wants that duty? If any cat knew the real price they’d consider it a curse.”
She licked against his cheek wanting to get rid of that melancholy look. “It seemed such an amazing goal when I was a kit.” She chuckled. Thinking back to the day Dovewing and her would tumble around the clearing pretending to be leader and deputy.
“That was many moons ago–” She wacked him with her tail before he could even finish. He grumbled, but was too relaxed into the nest to try and cuff her.
“Besides,” he continued. “That was a kit dream. It was only grand with Firestar leading. After his passing with Blackstar, Mistystar, and Onestar– and the gain of a new clan– you realize that we were going to be lost without them. They were the best leaders of their clans and now they’re all gone. Those ties we had with them were broken and never recovered because cat’s who were good as deputies, but not leaders, were made leaders.”
“That’s true. Though Tigerstar II is doing well for his clan. Considering his name sake they’re prospering.” She hummed thoughtfully, but tried her hardest to ignore the thought of her sister among the new Shadowclan ranks. “That and Leafstar. She’s wise and knowledgeable.”
“Firestar was the one who picked her… or maybe it was Sandstorm. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her actually, but it still stands that she’s older than us and used to a single clan. Her being here with us and around us will surely make her question her leadership. It’d only be a matter of time before she passes too and we have another deputy whose intent is to keep borders and not keep the peace after so much damage.”
“War is everything, but what we need.” She hissed softly, annoyed that this was what it came to.
Lying to protect secrest, cats so easily breaking the warrior code with little shame for their actions. War on the cusp of breaking out. It would almost just seem better if the Clans were just no more…
“I wish we were still in the past.”
Those words hadn’t meant to come out, but they passed her lips with conviction she didn’t recognize. The idea was teasing. To be in the past again. She’d thought about it before. The idea kept coming back to her– over and over.
“... Do you wonder if we actually made it better?”
She hadn’t expected the question. He was pretty adamant to leave, she didn’t figure he’d want to talk about those things.
“You seemed happier.” She piped up.
“Happier doesn’t mean better. Before we tried to get him to enjoy his life in the clan he was bound to either leave or conform to destiny. If we told him to pick the happier of the two, he would’ve left in a heartbeat.” She looked down. Did Jayfeather ever think that way anymore?
“If not for the prophecy I might would’ve.” He mumbled. She could feel more of his body press into her.
She bit her lip, she needed to know. “But you won’t now?”
That question perked him up. “No, not anymore. Maybe if Lion didn’t have kits… if Squirrel– if mom didn’t either, if Spark too. If I didn’t have more people I cared about surrounding me constantly doing something to gain my attention, I might would’ve considered it after their deaths.” It was an interesting idea to abandon what he had. Would he actually be able to have the conviction to cross that line? Would he be selfish in the last few seasons of his life and do what he wanted?
It didn’t matter now considering it wasn’t a possibility. He didn’t hate his life enough to uproot himself and abandon what he knew. No doubt the whole clan might go after him– but it just wasn’t an idea anymore. There was no need to think about it.
“Good. You can’t leave me too. It wouldn’t be fair.” She reached out, touching her nose to his ear.
Jayfeather snorted. “I still have plenty of time.” He answered back. Nothing too happy about that statement, but she sighed in relief knowing she wouldn’t be alone when everything suddenly unraveled in her paws.
“Have you been struggling?” He bent forward to touch her ear with his nose.
“With leadership? Not as much as I would have thought. I didn’t realize how little I’d be doing. Hollytuft is a rather reliable deputy.” She murmured the praise.
“She reminds me of her everyday.” Jayfeather hummed in acknowledgement. “Though not doing anything doesn’t mean not struggling. I brought those seeds for a reason– you ate them for a reason.” He pointed out.
Always so noticeable.
“My nightmares aren’t new. Besides, I’ve handled loneliness before. I know I can’t go out like before. The Clan’s more weary after losing two leaders so close to one another. That and without actual lives I’m more susceptible to dying and this whole lie unraveling.” She pawed at the ground.
Jayfeather sighed. “I suppose. That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be able to go out with Alderheart to help with herbs. Dovewing helped me for a while after the battle. I wouldn’t say no to you either.” He hummed softly. “Besides, if not Alderheart, play with the kits. Sparkpelt’s been antsy since her birth.”
“You can’t blame her. She lost a kit before she could even meet them… with her mother and father also…” Sparkpelt had reason to be wrapped up in grief, yet that sharp smile of hers was always present. Always trying to see the brighter idea of something even when gazing at her own kits made her want to wail like a kit herself.
“Which is why she could use help with her kits. She needs time away and maybe a talk with her brother. Her and Spotfur– those kits are a handful. If you were helping them you wouldn’t be thinking you were useless then.” He huffed at her. She batted at him.
“Be honest, you just don’t want the kits tumbling after in your stores trying to get a story from Uncle Jay?” She let out a murrow of laughter. His ear flicked for his response.
“That and among other things.” He waved off.
She was still pleased however.
“What of you? Have you been struggling?” Perhaps it was the idea that she didn’t want to be alone with these thoughts, or maybe she just wanted to understand the grouchy tom better, but she hoped she already knew his answer.
“What’s to struggle with? I’ve named our leader, we have a deputy, I have a full grown medicine cat apprentice.” He mused, his whiskers twitching.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t struggle. You’re deciding something as great as Starclan for all the other clans– they all believe and follow after you. You have more influence than you probably realize, both inside your clan and with the others. With decisions like that it can cause stress.”
He flickered her ear with his tail. “Please, it’s not that hard. Besides, I wasn’t the one to convince anyone, that was Kestrelflight. That and of course I have influence. I’m a medicine cat, foremost, and even if I hate to say it, I’m one of the older cats in the clan. I had to fight for that appeal– to be heard and recognized as just myself. You weren’t the only one struggling to gain attention… positive attention.” He mumbled.
She stared at him. He bent his head down trying to look at her but his eyes were down just a little too low. That didn’t stop her from staring into his light blue, cloudy eyes and just feeling like she wasn’t alone.
“You’re staring?”
“I like your eyes.” She admitted. “They remind me of the shallow bits of the lake, where it meets the sand. When the light shines through you can see the little fish that swim.”
Rings of light shone in his eyes and she was captivated just looking at them.
He snorted. “Nothing useful with these eyes.” He had meant two things by that, but Ivypool would disagree.
“You would’ve made a good leader, you know?”
He didn’t answer this time, his head tilted back up, shielding his eyes from her. “Maybe in another life.” He hummed, laying his head down on his paws. She gazed a little longer before laying down at his side, her breath coming out in a soft purr.
“By the way.” He spoke up just before she could drift off. “Maybe spend a little more time with Fernsong? I don’t want him crying because he thinks I’m trying to steal his mate.”
She snorted, barely stopping herself from shaking him and the nest. “My stupid fur-ball. He should know I’d only ever love him.” A soft smile grazed her muzzle as she slipped down into her sleep, comforted by the cat next to her, and the no longer empty, silent den.
—
The nightmare came effortlessly to Jayfeather. Behind his closed eyes he could feel the intense light that shone down on him. A spotlight centered on him and green beneath his paws before everything around him was pitch black. Even straining his eyes he couldn’t see beyond the hazy cloud that surrounded him.
A sharp wail filled his ears, echoing through the forest. It was painful to hear knowing the call and who it was. He couldn’t move however, the briars pulled down on his feet keeping him planted.
A hawk cried in the distance, bees buzzed in his ear, and a sharp gray noise exploded his eardrums. His whole body was being subjugated.
Brambles joined the briars, dragging his feet down into the sand– immediately he jerked feeling water slap at his belly. He hissed, desperately pulling at his paws to reach out. The water sucked him back down with strength.
Jayfeather gritted his teeth tasting the bitter taste of herbs– marigold and juniper– sweet on his tongue. The smell of honey, sickening sweet welling up his throat and making him sick.
He gasped as his feet sank further into the dark water. His limbs being pulled down till he was barely afloat. His head barely maintained its spot above the slapping waves. Limbs completely immobile as he slowly sank under the high tide.
Gasping out for air, his eyes shone brightly and he could see in the corner of the light– a holly bush. Small and round with a squirrel nibbling among its roots. A leaf in its mouth. It turned to him with a sharp gaze that watched him struggling.
He opened his mouth in vain to call out for help when the clearing exploded into fire. The flames licked and pulled and he ducked down into the water to escape it all. His vision turned black and he gasped sitting up.
Surprisingly, having not jerked Ivypool from her sleep, he stood up shaking.
Immediately, Jayfeather calmed realizing it was just a nightmare. He licked his chest trying to calm himself and ease back his fear scent before Ivypool most certainly woke.
She hadn’t been the only one that didn’t want to be alone that night. Sure Alderheart would be great company, but there was something about the tom that made Jayfeather forget who he was. More often than not calling him Lionblaze just by stature.
He’d feel Alderheart’s guilt the moment he’d call out his brother’s name in the middle of a sentence having not caught himself. Alderheart was too softhearted to correct him usually. Going about as normal for his sake, but that hurt more than thinking his brother was still alive.
He didn’t want to admit any more weakness to the younger than he already had, and going to the elder’s den was out of the question or those three would think he was ready to join them. He wasn’t– he was adamant about being useful– even if his body screamed of the aches in his joints and the stiffness that lingered.
So coming up the rocks to visit Ivypool was his choice of plan. He knew she needed to talk about those past months, and he wanted to make sure she was okay. Helping himself was an edging thought in the back of his mind.
His ear flicked when he heard the rocks outside being softly disturbed.
“Uncle?” Hollytuft whispered, poking her head in, immediately catching him and Ivypool who was thankfully still asleep.
“Outside,” he nosed her out in the night air. He didn’t need them waking Ivypool up for anything unimportant. He took a breath taking in the scents of the night. Down below the night patrol was exiting the thorn barrier– Hollytuft must’ve come after assigning them.
“What did you need?”
“Nothing,” She hummed, her shoulder resting against his fondly. “I was just checking how she was… she hasn’t been coming out as much. I figured it had to do with both of your return from the moonpool. I just didn’t want to ask.” She shuffled her paws.
“Yeah. She's okay. I gave her some herbs and she’s been sleeping a little easier.” He soothed her worries.
Hollytuft still didn’t seem settled on that idea, but she trusted Jayfeather enough to not overstep her concern.
“How have you been?” She instead asked tilting her head up to him. His eyes reflected the stars above. She stared at them in wonder as he half heartedly answered.
“Alright. You?”
His tone wasn’t snappish or bristly and that probably concerned her more than his rudeness.
Her uncle was never a talker about himself.
She knew that very well. Especially after losing Leafpool and Briarlight. When her father died too she could just tell he was no longer there as a cat. His eyes didn’t shine as brightly as the stars anymore and she often wondered if he’d retire because of it all. That grief never settled and she didn’t expect it to, but it made her worried when she could see it written on his face.
He just kept pushing himself and soon he would falter and she’d lose yet another person she loved.
“A little stressed. It’s not easy being a deputy. I didn’t really expect to get picked if I’m honest.” She licked down her chest fur. Trying her hardest to push away those thoughts that it just wasn’t meant to be.
“Why not? Ivyp– Ivystar’s been speaking well about you.” She noted his slip up.
True she’d only been leader for a few moons now, but she didn’t expect him to mistakenly call her, her old name. It was slightly odd, but easily brushed off when she considered Jayfeather knew her longer as Ivypool. It was a hard adjustment after two quick leader’s deaths so quickly after another. Even she had often called Ivystar her old name in private.
Still, it was something noteworthy.
“Being a deputy is one thing. I don’t– I don’t think I’d be a good leader.”
He laughed quietly. “You won’t have to worry about that for a long time.”
That didn’t settle her nerves.
If Ashfur could kill Bramblestar, controlling his body like a puppet, and Squirrelfight could die… well she didn’t know how, but she knew Jayfeather was nearly inconsolable during that time– hiding away his grief. But if both leaders could die so quickly… couldn’t Ivystar? What was stopping her from getting an illness and all her lives being taken?
Fear and nervousness pricked at her skin. She felt the need to just move.
Jayfeather could see this too.
“The night’s still young.” He answered looking up and vaguely knowing the time of day. He turned back to her. “You want to go for an early walk and help me check my herbs at the old two-leg place?”
As if giving her something to do she nodded. “Yeah. I’ve already got the other patrols set-up for the day.” Giving them all the time she would need to calm her heart.
“Then let's go.” He nodded, following after her.