Chapter Text
"Wanna play Minecraft later handsome?" Craig choked on his lemonade téa for a second before regaining his composure and looking at Tweek.
An instant red flag entered Craig's brain the moment his eyes laid on the other boy. He was… looking more confident? That wasn't Tweek. Did the gnomes actually get to him? What the fuck was that nickname? Tweek never used a nickname for him before. He does, but it started because they wanted the town to not question them, so it's not strange, it's normal when he does, and Tweek never said he hated it.
But Tweek? He never called him something… Craig doesn't know how to take it.
"So?" The shorter was also being calmer, or at least he seemed so, his ability to lie is incredible and Craig is shit at reading people so everything could be a big stage play.
"Are you a badly made replacement put in by the aliens?"
At that the blond lost confidence. "What?! Why would you say that?! OHGOD- are they comingforme?!" Where did that thing from before come from? It wasn't an hallucination, he doesn't have those.
"I guess we can play Minecraft later…" He mumbled under his breath while starting to walk home, not actually sure Tweek heard him, too enthralled with his own thoughts.
____
His research is going bad. Reddit did not tell him why his boyfriend said that thing. Which was, fine. So he simply tried google. But then Google too was worthless. Which… ok it could've gone better but not everything is lost. But then he tried quora and nothing came up.
What is he gonna do now? Is this the start of the end? The other never acted like that and all his resources are gone, what the fuck is he supposed to do? Usually he would've ignored something strange Tweek did. But this time there wasn't any yelling at him or some other bullshit, so it was extra strange.
He'll have to go to the person who put him in this whole situation.
___
"Mom, do you know why Tweek called me handsome when he asked to watch Netflix?" He can't say they're still playing Minecraft, his mom will snitch to the Tweaks, and they'll find out creepers are the reason their son is screaming at night.
They can't have that. How are they supposed to end their relationship well if they can't even kill the dragon together?? No, they definitely can't have that.
His mom choked on her drink. He looked at the puddle on the ground knowing full well he won't be the one cleaning it.
"Sweetie, Craig, what the fuck." What the fuck he? What the fuck her. He gives his mom a middle finger before going back to his room.
Looking at some fanarts of him and Tweek together always ends up with him giggling at how fucking stupid they look. And sometimes his chest becomes warmer. When that happens he knows it's time to put down the phone.
…
He can't ask his friends. They are bitches and they would make fun of him, he thinks, they probably would. He's not too sure. But they are annoying so they're ruled out.
He looks at the ceiling for a moment before getting up and sighing.
___
"Tricia, when are you going to Kenny's?"
"I told you to knock when you enter my room! You fuckboy!" He rolled his eyes as his little sister was clearly trying to hide something from him. He's also pretty sure the mystery thing was a tablet she stole from Kevin. He's not a snitch though… at least not for people he tolerates.
"Answer you bitchless being."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Did you just imply Tweek is your bitch? And also I have a bitch and I like her more than anything so I'm not bitchless."
He looked at the stuff on the desk, not minding her. "Nop." he said popping the p. "I would never call Tweek that, I'm bitchless and proud of it, you girls suck-ass." Then a cog set into its place in his head. "Wait, since when were you gay too?" He looked at his sister who was shuffling to put her roller blades into her little backpack.
"Since now," She closed the zipper. "Me and Karen are each other bitch so don't bother me, I have to go to her." And she closed the door behind her. Making his father shout to not break the house.
It took him ten seconds for him to catch up to his sister. "I have to see Kenny, I'm coming with you."
She stopped in her tracks, Craig kept going. Tricia rolled her eyes at her bother dumb and stupid fucking brain. Stepping in front of him she put up a hand signaling to stop.
Sending a glare she talked. "If you're trying to cheat on Tweek again i will tell mom and dad, don't try me."
He dismissed her in a second. Making her almost fall before quickly following her brother. "That time, was staged! Because we got bored. I already fucking told everyone! Why don't you all bel-"
He took a deep breath, following what Tweek did every time he was aware enough. "You know what? Fuck you. I need to talk to Kenny about Tweek anyway." He stalked forward in a way his sister couldn't keep up with since she wasn't following him. The perks of being tall love it.
Unknown to him, she was simply too lazy to walk faster. A middle finger was still sent his way.
___
He knocked on the run-down residence. In a second a little girl he recognised as Karen answered the door with a bubbly happy smile.
"Ruby! Are you- you're not Ruby, is she with you?" She looked behind the older boy only to find nothing.
"No sorry Karen, but she's coming don't worry. I'm here cause I need to speak to Kenny."
She gave him another smile, this time a welcoming one. "Sure! He's the door on the right," as he was already walking away the little girl said something he didn't catch.
He opened the door. "Hey Kenny." The boy fell down the bed on his head while hiding a magazine behind his back. He scrunched his face at the other poor taste.
The blond boy scrambled to launch the porn under the bed and turned back with a nervous smile that fell once he saw who was at the door.
"Shit Craig! Why don't you knock! What if I was masturbating or changing! You would totally be cheating then, you know!" The boy was speaking clearly. Being that he wasn't with his hood. It was an odd sight.
The words he said didn't even register. "Where's your parka?" It didn't sound like a question thanks to his monotone voice but everyone knew when he was asking something, being accustomed to it and all.
"Ugh, i had to give it to Kyle cause mrs. Bloflosky wanted to wash it for me, you know his mom has all those complexes right? She's a pain sometimes, like, she does give me food, which doesn't make me die for a while, and i can share with Karen, but goddd." He was now moping while taking another magazine from his drawer.
He was now settling down against his bed before stopping suddenly. "Wait. What the fuck are you doing here?" The thing was now open in its full pages and he couldn't help but scowl at such a blatant display.
Kenny closed it and threw it on top of the lamp. It stayed there perfectly. "Okok, we get it you're gay and you don't like women" He put his hands up to show they were now empty. "Wait- you didn't come here to cheat again did you? Cause, ok, but I'm not that desperate. Plus I wouldn't do it to Tweek."
Craig's brain was once again being slow as he was looking at Kenny. "Wha- did you just admit you would be with me if it wasn't for Tweek?" He said horrified at the implication, he's never been so grateful for the spazzy blond existence.
"You two are a really good couple. I would never! But also, you did get first on that list, so forgive me for saying what everyone thinks!"
Craig's mouth was moving like he was a stupid fish. I was very funny from Kenny's perspective. Until he got out of his trance.
"Anyway. I'm here cause Tweek was acting really strange today and I didn't understand what he meant."
Kenny was already staring at nothing so Craig wasn't really sure the blond would understand anything that he would say. But at the same time he's Mysterion, and he was a lot with Tweek during that time so maybe he knows-
"Ohhh, I get why you didn't get it! It's the autism! Yeah yeah, Tweek told me about that one. Sorry man." Ok, What the fuck. He takes full offense. What even is Autism? He doesn't have it.
He glared while talking. "Tweek asked if i wanted to play Minecraft and he called me handsome."
Kenny stilled and his eyes widened. So did Craig's at his reaction. Oh shit. Is it that bad? Now, he doesn't believe it's too bad but that smirk growing in Kenny's features did not help Tweeks case.
"Oh my buddy give me a hug!" As the blond came closer Craig answered with a punch to the shouldegut. "Owie" He fell to the ground as if he was nothing.
"Why did you want to hug me?" Only Tweek has that privilege for now, and sometimes his parents, and sometimes Clyde. He's very generous as you can see.
A confused expression settled on Kenny's face before and a happier one took its place. "Why wouldn't i? You're getting laid my dude! Congratulations! After everything, I will know who was the top btw, I'll make sure either you or Tweek tells me." Kenny was about to throw himself in a fit of laughter but stopped when he looked at Craigs face.
Tzk tzk "Look i get it, you're gay and autistic, but that's no reason to throw it in my face."
"Yeah and you're poor and bi… apparently?"
At that Kenny gasped. "Holy shit who told you?!" He's severely starting to doubt this guy is mysterion.
"I mean, it's pretty visible from your house and the way you dress and your launches and-"
"Nono, I meant, that I'm not straight."
"You did?"
"I did?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
After that Craig left that house trying to think of Kenny's words. But Kenny also seems to be very stupid. He'll have to be wary.
____
Ok. Ok what the fuck.
He searched what it meant. And he found a few of the asians fanfiction that explained it. And he wants to throw up. That cannot be fucking real. Tweek wouldn't be able to simply swoop him up. He's not strong enough to do it. And he's short. Like. Huhh?
How would he get laid down if Tweek wouldn't be able to pick him up in the first place??? It doesn't make senseeee.
He groans to the empty space.
He has to talk to the them. They have to have the answers to his questions. He gets up from his bed, for the third time today and heads for the door.
He's doing a lot of walking today. Santa would be proud of him.
___
"Wendy, I need you to put me in contact with the asians girls."
She narrowed her eyed in suspicion. "And why would I do that? What happens if I do?"
"I need them to answer my question about one of their fanfictions."
She brightened instantly. "Oh! Why didn't you say so Craig! Follow me inside!"
As he laid a single one of his toes into the house a big man came to stop him.
"Wendy he's ok to enter the house? Are you sure he's alright? You did notice he's a boy right princess?"
"Yeah dad, don't worry."
And like that he was left to get himself back up and follow Wendy to her basement while a pair of eyes were busy sending him glares
As the door opened he could see all the screens in the dark waiting to ambush whoever came into the room.
"Hey Naomi!" A face illuminated by ao3 in white mode reacted to the call and settled her eyes on Wendy. "Can you tell the girls Craig wants to ask one of you about your fanfiction! He seems to have questions!"
As his name was spoken every single face was looking at him. He didn't understand he had to ask the question before five seconds passed. "Uhm, how would Tweek get me laid if he wouldn't be able to pick me up?"
All the girls fainted except the one who the basement owner called before.
"Why do you want to know? Other than the fact that he would be able to, he still boxes and helps pick heavy things in the store, so he would." Her accent was heavy and her voice bombarded in the basement as if it was a cave. When she closed the screen halfway through her talking, he wasn't able to see the brunette anymore. It sent a chill down his spine. Wendy didn't even flinch.
"Uhm, i mean, He asked to play Minecraft and then he called me handsome, and then Kenny told me it meant he wanted to laid me? I guess… so yeah."
All the girls unfainted, Is it even a word??, at the same time. And started squealing while talking all in different lenguages. Naomi appeared in front of him and gave him a squeeze to the shoulder. "He wants to marry you Craig." Then he got a hug. "I'm proud of how far you've come."
But then another body got added to the hug and then another and then another and then he felt like he couldn't breathe.
He has to get out of there.
He was fairly close to the door. He simply slipped down four legged, like the sly cat he is, leaving his jacket behind, even if he really liked that jacket :( and he went towards the door that way.
When out of the house he took a moment to breathe, before deciding.
It was time to answer Tweek.
___
"Dude, why did it take you somuch to load up the server! I thoughtyouDIED!"
He paid no mind to his words, but he could feel the nervousness in Tweek speech, he feels slightly guilty for making the other wait for his answer.
"Tweek i say yes."
…
"OHGOD DID YOU GAH- DID YOU REALLY DIE?!" This is what he fucking gets for not specifying nor listening.
"No no honey- I meant for the marriage. I agree, I guess. But I don't want to wear the dress, so you'll wear it." He nodded to himself and his incredible romantic moves, he's such a great boyfriend, soon-to-be super-boyfriend. The asians didn't tell him how the ceremony happens.
He really wonders if there is a superior stage of boyfriends other than super boyfriends. Probably death, or the smooch stage, he wonders how his parents got so far together. He's not sure, but he is certain that he and Tweek will-
"What."
And like that all his dreams got shattered. Did Tweek really get kidnapped by the aliens and replaced? But it couldn't happen right?
"You know when…" He looks down from his screen, the cows are still moo-ing in his ears. "when you asked me to play and you, y'know."
"OH JESUS CRAIG NGHH I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."
Helt his ears grow hot from embarrassment. "When you called me handsome."
"Wha…"
He groaned in annoyance. So Tweek did get replaced by an alien. This sucks.
He felt the blond boy voice through his headphones again. "Uuh, about that, did you… like it?" What.
"Wait what do you mean."
"I asked if you liked it when i called you handsome." What the fuck. So are they still getting married or?
"I mean, I guess I did... but what about the whole marriage thing?"
"Craig where the ghh- where the fuck did you come out with this marriage? Like wecoulddoit but where the fuck did it pop up from?"
He starts to play around in the game again, searching for some dark oak wood.
"The asians told me that's what you meant." He flinches not a second later.
"CRAIG WHY THE HELL DID YOU FIRST THINK OF THE ASIANS WHEN ASKING FOR ADVICE WITH YOUR FUCKING AUTISM PROBLEMS?!"
"WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT I HAVE AUTISM?!"
"BECAUSE YOU ARE AUTISTIC YOU NGHMGTHERFUCKER!! YOU DIDNT EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT I JUSTWANTEDTOBE A BETTER BOYFRIEND AND NOT ASK YOU IN CRYPTIC WAYS TO GHHH- TO MARRY ME!"
And, ohhhh because that makes a lot more sense.
"Yeah ohh your mum, I'm- nghh- I'm never trying to be nice to you ever again, unless you wear the dress."
And like that he heard the pop up sound from discord to tell someone got out of the call.
He frowned. He really doesn't like the dress. But maybe if he could wear a cape he could escape the embarrassment and not get Tweek angry at him and marry Tweek. It's three stones with one bird… wait. Or three birds with a stone?
Man. He really hopes Tweek explains what his autism had to do with anything. And what an autism is. Did he accidentally take his one to school?