Chapter Text
It was hard to see his mother cry.
He was surprised as he ran inside the kitchen and saw his mother’s figure slumped on the ground. Hot tears rolled down her face as she sobbed and gasped, barely being able to suck in a breath inside her lungs.
He was at a loss for what to do. He has never once in his life seen her cry. It made his heart hurt, but he couldn’t brake down himself. He ran down to her side and asked what had happened. But she didn’t stop crying.
He hugged her, he wiped the tears off her face, he held her close to his chest, and he tried to say comforting words. He was not great at doing so, but he was trying the best he could do.
Every single of her sobs was like a thorn in his heart. He has never seen this wonderful woman who raised him shed a single tear. She always had a gentle smile that graced her features, one that made him feel loved and appreciated. One that hugged his heart when it was in pain, one that reassured him when doubt was clouding his vision, one that loved him despite his flaws.
His hand that was rubbing her back seemed to soothe her, she was calmer, but still, her frame racked with miserable sobs and tears. What would need to happen to cause such a reaction out of his mother?
The woman in question sucked in a deep breath. Her voice was shaky as the words delivered themselves towards his ears.
“Ayato, he is gone...”
“Who is gone, mother?”
“Your father is gone...He’s never coming back.”
The words still felt so shocking, fresh even, as he reminisced mother saying them two months ago.
Just before everything had been so peaceful, everything was like it was supposed to be, like it always has been.
Mother was in the kitchen when he came home. At her usual quick pace, she was cutting some carrots on the board. Thin slices of onions stood near in a small bowl. Already slightly brown bits of pork were cooking inside the pan. The appetizing smell was alluring.
When he walked inside the kitchen mother greeted him and asked about his day. He told her everything that seemed worth mentioning and she listened attentively as she added the cut vegetables to cook in the pan together with the pork.
1Nikujaga was one of father's favourite meals. Mother had wanted to treat father to something special that day since their wedding anniversary was coming close. She was very excited for the day. The two of them had a reservation for a fancy restaurant and a romantic evening walk planned. He headed up to his room since father should be home only in about an hour. And even if the food was done, they never ate before he came back from work.
(They ended up not eating dinner that day...)
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Mother was devastated when the day of the funeral came. She clung to father’s arm for what felt like hours, desperately wishing for the lifeless arm to squeeze in return.
Father looked peaceful as he layed inside the wooden box. The mortician did an excellent job, you could almost mix him up for a sleeping man. The light glow of his skin, the slight rosiness of his cheeks, the taint redness of his lips. The make-up really made him look alive.
It almost made Ayato’s head delude him that he was indeed alive, that he would awake any moment now. But he knew better than to believe that.
The heart of an alive person would beat in his chest, his chest would rise from the air his lungs take. And an alive person wouldn’t be laying in a box, about to be buried underground, never to be seen again.
He also appreciated that the mortician hadn’t added a smile to his father’s lips. He was never much of a smiler.
The white tuxedo looked nice on him, white was his colour after all...
(That’s what mother always said)
When his coffin was lowered, the guests and others placed the flowers down. The newly polished and cut headstone was surrounded by flowers. Mostly white and yellow chrysanthemums and lilies, only a single bouquet of hydrangeas in the middle stood out from the rest. Those were father’s favourite flowers. He and mother wished him to depart with them, so he could always remember his family as he awaited them in the afterlife.
He didn’t cry, not when he saw his family grieving, not when he saw his father for the first time in weeks laying lifelessly for everyone to see, not when they lowered the coffin, not when everyone placed their flowers or paid their respects. Not even when hearing the people saying ‘sorry for your loss’ did he cry.
But the salty tears did roll down his cheeks two days later as he sat in his room. Realizing he would never see him again. That his life would never be the same again. He would never hear that voice that was deep yet with a perfect mix of a warm pitch. He would never see him sitting in the kitchen reading his boring newspapers, never would he hear his car drive inside their garage, never would hear a sweetly sick conversation between him and mother, would never feel the embrace of his arms that felt like a safe haven when he was a little child.
He wrapped his arms around the pillow on his bed, letting all his sorrow soak inside the material. Wishing that it was his father instead. Hugging and comforting him, saying that all he saw was actually just a nightmare.
He was sharply pulled inside the present by a cough from the other room. He blinked twice to clear his dazed head. He placed the broom down and went inside the kitchen. Ayato took one of the clean, shiny cups that he had rinsed just recently. Then he placed it under the faucet and let it fill the cup with the clear liquid. He went to the living room and brought the cup to mother’s lips. She took small sips and he took the glass back to the kitchen when she finished.
Ever since father’s death, mother has been an empty shell of herself. Like a fossil stuck in time. She has been acting like that since father was buried. It’s as if a part of her died when father died and a part of her was left with father as he was buried.
For the first three days after the funeral he had been sulking in his room and left mother to do her own things. He decided it would be better if he left her alone and let her grieve in privacy. She has never liked being around people at her most vulnerable moments, neither did Ayato.
But on the fourth day, when he had cried every last tear out of his body, the eerily silence of their home was making him uncomfortable. Sure he wasn’t expecting it to be lively and cheery, but he would have expected to at least hear the sounds of steps, a cupboard opening or a pot boiling.
He decided to go downstairs and finally make himself a meal and check on mother. He wasn’t expecting to find her inside the chair, still sitting in the same black dress from the funeral, her eyes looking dull and hazed. The soft twinkle in them was lost somewhere inside the past.
He had tried to talk to her, but it was as if she didn’t even acknowledge his existence. His mother acting this way was like a punch to the face, instead of losing one parent it felt like he lost two. The difference is that one is dead and one is alive, but is so deep in her head, like she’s living in another world that she’s practically dead.
He knelled by her knees and rested his head on her thighs. The warmth she radiated gave him some comfort and warded off the roots of sadness that life has gardened in his heart.
After a bit of laying like that, he got up, took a deep breath and started to think of his next steps. First of all, he coaxed his mother to get up. He gently took her arm and she wordlessly followed him towards her room, like a rag doll.
He took some fresh clothes from the drawer and put them on the bed. He was thinking if he should run a bath for her but thought it would be better to leave that for tomorrow. Right now he had to at least do the simple things, help her put on fresh clothes, feed her, give her a drink, guide her to bed.
He asked her if she can change by herself. She didn’t respond nor did anything, so he waited for a brief moment. He waited, took her hand and asked again. Surprisingly she heard this time and took the clothes on the bed. Good...
He left the room and allowed mother to change. The sound of fabric slowly shuffling confirmed she was changing. He went towards the kitchen, right, food.
He was wondering what could he make, something easy to make and light to the stomach. The both of them haven’t eaten in a few days, so making a hefty meal is like asking to get sick and vomit it all out.
He decided to make miso soup after seeing some tofu in the fridge. They had some 2dashi left in the freezer, it should still be good. He already had tofu, miso paste was in the fridge too and he is pretty sure they had some noodles, spring onions and seaweed laying around here somewhere.
Mother often made him miso soup when he was down or sick. You could never go wrong with a nice bowl of miso soup.
He warmed the broth inside the pot on medium-low heat and when the broth had warmed up added some of the miso paste. He slowly mixed the mixture and watched as chunks of the paste dissolved. He chopped some of the leftover tofu, seaweed and some of the noodles inside the pot. Once it was boiled he took the ladle and poured it into two bowls and chopped a few spring onions and added them on the top.
He went upstairs and gently knocked on the door, not expecting an answer. It was quiet behind the door, so he assumed mother was done changing. He carefully opened the door and saw her sitting on her bed, blankly staring at the door.
He took the dress that was discarded on the floor, put it on a hanger and placed it inside her closet. He took her palm and led her to the kitchen. She just watched the bow in front of her. Ayato tried to ask her to eat, but it was useless. Ayato sat beside her and fed her the soup. He blew on the soup to make sure it isn't too hot.
Once he finished feeding her, he put the bowl in the sink and led mother back to her bed. While she sat on the chair by the mirror Ayato changed the sheets of her bed, she always preferred them fresh. He made sure the pillows were how she always liked them and he took a warmer blanket since it has been pretty chilly recently.
Ayato helped her get inside the bed and put a blanket over her. He turned off the lights and left the room. Ayato closed the door, making sure not to slam it. Once the door closed he heard mother crying. It made him want to go back inside and comfort her, but he knew she wouldn’t like that. So he went back to the kitchen and ate his bowl of soup that had by now gone slightly cold.
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It’s been about three months since then. He was sitting inside the kitchen and eating the same soup in the kitchen alone. Mother was inside the living room, he had turned on the TV for her. It was late in the evening. The sky was a mix of orange, red and blue colours.
A week after father’s death he had gotten a job in a cafe as a waiter. He worked the night shift as he still had to attend school and mother didn’t nor she was in the condition to work. His salary depended on his work quality and amount, so most nights he came with a decent amount of money. It was enough for all the basic necessities they needed.
Before he headed to work he lead mother to bed and gave her her nightgown to change into. Ayato made sure that all the windows were closed and the lights were out, then he would lock the door and head to work
The breeze was nice and the fresh air made him feel more awake. He watched the sky and looked at the barely visible sun as it sat down. The streets were quiet, just how he liked it. But it was surprising how bustling the cafe was at night. Which he didn’t mind, if he earned good money during work days he didn’t need to work during the week-end, which allowed him to rest up and also do house chores.
He was frightened when a pair of arms wrapped from behind him, but not for long when he turned to see Osano’s face. The other smiled brightly at him and started to walk beside him.
“Hey, Ayato! The evening is nice, isn't it?”
“It’s quite pleasant...”
Osano was a good friend, he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy his presence. Although, he did sometimes miss the snappy remarks or scolding the other put him through that he has cut off from since his father’s death. It was normal in the past to hear it daily, so the other not doing it made him realize even more that he can never return to the life he once saw as ‘normal’.
“How’s your mother?”
“She’s the same as usual, nothing much has changed.”
“I’m sorry you have to go through all this...”
“It’s not your fault, don’t apologize.”
The other was quiet for a moment and then he grabbed his hand. A blush spread through Ayato’s cheeks, but he allowed it. It was nice, consoling even. The other had started doing that sometimes, but he can never get used to it.
“Hey, can I visit you this week-end? Maybe we could watch a movie?”
“Sure, does Saturday evening sound fine?”
“Yeah!”
The other held his hand tighter as they entered the lively street. When they stopped by the cafe the other hugged him and said he would see him tomorrow. He waved goodbye as the other’s figure disappeared in the distance.
He went inside the cafe, it wasn’t too full as of now, so he went into the employee's lounge and changed. The uniform was simple, black, high-waisted dress pants. A white dress shirt with ruffles on the sleeves and a black vest with a dark grey tie.
He liked this place, his co-workers were good and hardworking people and the customers were almost always decent. Some of the customers came here so frequently that he knew them by their names.
Sometimes throwing that smiley facade was tiring. To the point, the muscles in his face hurt. But it brought money, so he didn’t have much of a choice.
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He sat down by the wall behind the building and reached for the box in his pocket. He looked at it and brushed his finger over the tin box. For some reason, father always put his cigarettes inside it. If he remembered correctly, it was something that grandfather had left him. Grandfather kept his cigarettes there too, so he assumed he did that to remember him. It was a silver colour with golden engravings of a cherry blossom tree.
He made sure to look around, to see if no one was there* and took one of the cigarettes. He fished out the lighter that neatly sat inside the box with the cigarettes. It came together with the box, it had a similar design, but with a golden engraving of a cherry blossom flower on it instead. It was refillable, so father has never needed to change it. He ignited the lighter and watched the little flame flicker from the breeze before lighting his cigarette.
The smokey taste entered his lungs and made him relax in an instant. It was like a wave of warm water washing over his body. He saw the smoke disappear in the sky and then he watched the stars in the sky, bright and beautiful.
When he was young, he remembered how all of them once went stargazing while on some travel trip. Father would tell him of constellations and they would connect the stars and tell what they saw. Mother would sometimes add her comments too, but mostly she smiled and listened to their chatter.
He would like to believe that his father turned into a star or lived inside one of the stars. Being happy and free. He deserved that...
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After finishing his shift, he comes home and takes a hot shower. He makes some breakfast, deciding on simple rice with an egg on top and brewed tea. Once the dishes were finished he would head upstairs to check on mother and wake her up. He sorted her an outfit and they would go downstairs to eat breakfast.
After breakfast, Ayato led her to the living room and turned on the TV. Then he returned to the kitchen, washed their dishes and went upstairs to change.
While he was at school, their neighbour would stay at home with mother. She had volunteered a while ago, and Ayato had offered to pay her, but she always refused. She would always leave half an hour before Ayato returned.
She would do some chores and make lunch. She would always leave some for Ayato so he didn’t have to make himself food right after school. Which was sweet and made his day.
He walked to school alone, since he usually starts going earlier than most students. Sometimes he decides to take a quick nap after his shift. On those days Osano and Taeko will join and walk to school with him.
Osano always drags him to eat lunch together with his friends. It at least reminds him to eat his lunch and not skip them. Taeko and Raijin* are nice company, but he mostly agreed just because he enjoyed Osano’s presence.
During the day he would often think of how mother is doing. Has she eaten yet? Is everything okay? But he tries to not let it cloud his mind too much. Their neighbour was a responsible woman, she will be fine. And besides, he needed to focus on his studies.
Once the day was over and he finished his daily duties he would head home, Since Osano also wasn’t a part of any club, he would always walk home with him. Sometimes Taeko would join them, but most of the time it was the two of them since Taeko would usually walk to her brother's school and then they would walk home together. So it was the two of them.
Even though the two of them saw each other almost daily, Osano would always find something to talk about. Walks home were possibly his favourite part of a school day. The other always lifted his mood, no matter if it was him scolding him or talking about his day.
Upon getting to Ayato’s home they would stop and bid their farewells. Once Ayato entered his home he would start his daily routine once again...