Chapter Text
It began from something Axel mentioned offhandedly, but it stuck in Xion’s head. They were in the lounge with the other Organization members as they talked and complained loudly about their days. She and Roxas sat side by side. He spoke to Demyx while Xion was content to just listen to what was going on around her. She was always an observant person, taking in before forming her own opinion or speaking at all.
Saïx and Axel were there too, standing off to the side, speaking to one another, quiet enough that it should’ve been hidden under the general din of the room. But that just made Xion curious enough to listen in.
She caught the tail end of something Axel said, “Well, that’s fine then, Isa.” He said it with a venom she had never heard from him.
“I should expect nothing less, Lea,” Saïx coldly replied before disappearing into a corridor of darkness. No one seemed to take any notice of the exchange, save for Xion.
She watched as Axel sighed and leaned against the pillar behind him, looking frustrated. She decided she might as well see what was wrong. Friends consoled each other, right? Besides, she couldn’t help but be curious.
She stood from her seat just as Demyx began to play a tune on his sitar—much to the annoyance shown by his fellow Organization members in the room. It was funny, how much they appeared to show emotions, despite claiming not to feel it. Maybe it was all just a show to get Demyx to stop.
Axel looked up as Xion approached him, away from the couches the others were sitting on. “Is everything ok?”
“Huh? Oh yeah, Xion. Everything’s fine.” Axel waved a hand flippantly.
“You and Saïx were talking…” she trailed off.
“Oh. You heard that?” he asked, almost sheepish. It was not an expression Axel often wore.
Xion cocked her head to the side, trying to understand the reaction. “Just the end. What did he say?”
“Oh, nothing. Y’know, usual Saïx stuff. ‘Get work done,’ ‘Stop being lazy,’” he gave his best monotone approximation of their boss. “Blah, blah, blah, that’s all I heard.”
“Oh.” Saïx was quite cold, more so to Xion than probably anyone else in the Organization. She didn’t know why, but she was well aware of how much his words could hurt. The worst part was that he didn’t even seem to have a reason for putting others down. He did it just because he could. She felt for Axel. “I’m sorry. Did he say something mean to you?”
Axel scratched the back of his neck. “Uh… Not mean. Don’t worry about it, kiddo.”
“But, I did hear, he called you…” She thought for a moment, remembering those strange names, “Lea?”
Axel seemed surprised. He chuckled nervously. “You heard that?”
“And you called him something too…” she trailed off, trying to remember.
“Isa,” he admitted quietly.
“What does that mean?”
“Well…” Axel glanced around the room, taking in the other members, loudly talking nearby, paying them no mind. He got down on one knee, to be at Xion’s height. “I don’t usually like to talk about it, but that’s what me and Saïx used to be called.”
“Used to be called?”
“Yeah, y’know, before we joined the Organization.”
Xion frowned, trying for what felt like the hundredth time to remember her previous life. Everyone else seemed to be able to. “I don’t think I had a name before the Organization.”
“That’s fine. Roxas can’t remember his previous name either, remember?”
“I guess you’re right.” Xion glanced at their friend nearby on the couch, enraptured with attempting to play the sitar, much to Demyx’s dismay. “But how come you know each other’s names? I thought you didn’t like to talk about that stuff.”
Axel sighed, realizing he’d have to give a real explanation. “That’s because me and Isa—me and Saïx, I mean—we were friends before.”
Xion’s eyes went wide with shock. “Really?” Saïx was so mean and Axel was so nice. It didn’t make any sense that they would be friends. Besides, they really didn’t seem to like each other or hang out very much at all. She’d never seen Saïx eat sea salt ice cream even once! That would probably make him more likable, in her book. “How come I’ve never seen you hang out with him?”
Axel sat back on his heels, expression turning into casual indifference. The kind of face he wore when he wanted them to know he didn’t care. “That was a long time ago. We’re not friends anymore. And either way, we’re nobodies now.”
“But we’re nobodies and we’re friends.”
He thought for a moment. “Got me there. But it’s different, y’know?”
“How is it different?”
He sighed. “How come you and Roxas are always asking questions? I don’t know, it just is, okay?”
“How did you...stop being friends with him?” she asked, genuinely curious. She hadn’t realized until now that a friendship could end. It was a scary thought. She hoped she and Roxas and Axel never stopped being friends.
“We were friends, but now we’re not. Simple as that. Like I said, it was a long time ago, it doesn’t really matter now.”
“Doesn’t...matter?” she sounded out the words like they were foreign. She couldn’t believe Axel would dismiss a friendship so easily.
“Yes. Now could you get off my back?” He stood to his full height and stretched.
Axel always seemed to get uncomfortable talking about his past, but Xion couldn’t help but be struck by the idea of friendship ending. “Ok,” she answered quietly, though she still had so many questions.
Axel immediately looked guilty for being short with her. He thought for a second, before coming to the same solution he always did. “Wanna get some ice cream with Roxas? I’m getting bored waiting around here.”
Xion smiled again. “Sure!”
Though, she couldn’t help but imagine, deep down, if one day she and Roxas and Axel were mean to each other the same way Axel and Saïx were. The thought sent a shiver down her spine. Luckily, as the three of them knew well, ice cream was a good cure to most confusing feelings.
The next day Xion went to the Grey Area so Saïx could assign her next mission. It was the usual protocol. He flipped through his clipboard, taking a few moments to determine who would be most suitable to go on the mission with her. He never initiated conversation with her, save to give orders. He talked to all the other Organization members, but he always just treated her as if she were just some inanimate object.
Xion stood nearby, silent as always. She never really wanted to talk to him either, so anytime it was the two of them it was utter silence. The only sound in the room was rustling paper as Saïx flipped through the pages.
This time, however, Xion couldn’t help but remember her conversation with Axel yesterday. It didn’t seem possible that such a cold individual could’ve ever been friends with Axel. She wondered if his somebody was that different. If they all got hearts back would she and Roxas and Axel still like each other?
She couldn’t help but be worried about all of this, even if Axel didn’t seem very concerned. He always deflected any attempt she or Roxas made to ask about his past. All the Organization’s members always talked about how important memories were to them, but Axel refused to talk about his. It was so confusing.
But maybe Saïx valued his memories enough to talk about them. Maybe he could give her answers that Axel wouldn’t. If his experience could help her prevent her friends from splitting apart, it would be worth dealing with his callous nature.
And besides, if Axel was once friends with him, he couldn’t be all bad...right?
Working up her courage before she missed her chance, Xion finally spoke up, “Um…”
Saïx let the paper fall back into place on the clipboard and slowly turned to the girl. He almost seemed surprised that she dared to speak at all. Though his expression, as usual, was pretty much unreadable.
She cleared her throat, realizing it was too late to bail. “Axel said something the other day…I was wondering if it was true.”
He narrowed his eyes, as if trying to decipher what this was about preemptively. “Probably not, knowing him. Continue.”
“Were you…friends with Axel?” she quietly piped up, trying not to let her nervousness show.
Saïx blinked. There was a long, long moment of silence. Xion fidgeted. She wondered if she’d really crossed the line this time. Maybe Saïx would finally get rid of her like the nuisance he saw her as.
As the seconds ticked by Xion’s immediate anxiety subsided. She chanced a glance at his expression. Saïx was staring off, like he was thinking about something else entirely. Now Xion’s fear was replaced with the possibility he might ignore her completely.
“Yes,” he finally broke the silence. He looked forward as he spoke, like he was talking to the air instead of Xion. “A long time ago.”
A little encouraged, Xion wasted no time speaking up again, “Really? How long ago?”
He frowned down at her as if she were an annoying stain on the carpet. “Before you and Roxas joined our little Organization.”
Xion looked away. She didn’t understand why he seemed upset with her suddenly. At least he seemed willing to talk—more so than Axel anyway. “Were you two…’best friends?’” Xion was still trying to fully understand the meaning of the words.
He glanced down at his clipboard again, though his gaze got distant. “It’s none of your business,” he said, though his usual ire was all but extinguished.
Xion thought for a moment. “Did you guys get sea salt ice cream too?” she asked, allowing a small smile as she recalled all the laughs shared over the treat. Maybe his own memories would get him to open up about it.
He scoffed, though not as annoyed by the question as she would have thought. “Where do you think the tradition of sea salt ice cream originated?”
She gasped. “Really? With you and Axel?”
Her reaction seemed to spur him on enough to keep talking. “It was our tradition, after our classes…”
“Just like me and Roxas and Axel,” she exclaimed excitedly, making the connection. “We always go to the clocktower after missions!”
“No.” His demeanor shifted so abruptly back to the frigidity she was accustomed to that she had to fight back a shiver. “Nothing like you.”
Xion would’ve flinched away, but now she was truly keen on understanding. She frowned, trying to decipher his expression and his words. “I don’t understand. If you were so close, why…” she caught herself before she could say ‘are you so mean to him?’ “...aren’t you anymore?” she finished. “How can a friend just stop being friends one day?”
“Did no one ever tell you?” he asked bitterly. “Friendships don’t last forever. Friendships between nobodies were never meant to be at all. What you call friendship is just another feeble attempt to try to feel anything. And you’ll fail. All three of you. Then maybe you’ll finally realize why our work is so important.”
Xion was silent for a moment, gathering her thoughts, as Saïx went back to his clipboard with more fervor than before.
“Is that why you stopped getting ice cream?” she asked quietly.
“Yes,” he hissed. “Because friendship means nothing to a nobody. We’re all replaceable—a husk like you should know that.”
She decided to stop prodding before she invoked any further wrath. Ordinarily Xion would’ve been hurt by those words, but this time there was enough new information to send her mind whirring, too busy thinking to take it personally.
Saïx didn’t know why he had humored the puppet. The moment it left for its mission he regretted it. Alone in the blank white room of the castle, he could feel the emptiness where his heart once resided. The nothing inside rose like the waves of a tide, swallowing him in bitter apathy.
Maybe he answered its questions because a part of him wanted to recall those memories once again. He had tried his best to leave them behind, like Axel was so easily able to, but found it was the only thing that brought him any consolation in the face of the vast, unending emptiness.
Or maybe he just wanted the puppet to understand that Axel wasn’t really its friend. That it was all a fantasy. It wasn’t even a real person and yet everyone insisted on pretending. Not just Axel but the whole Organization called it a “she.” Nobodies truly were just living out their delusions with no heart or emotions to guide them to the truth.
The only thought that kept him going was that if they got their hearts back Lea would remember everything. He would realize what was really important again and this neverending emptiness would finally leave his chest for good. They could be friends again. And he would finally see that Roxas and Xion were nothing to him.
Axel looked over his shoulder as Xion stepped out of the dark corridor onto the clock tower.
“It’s about time you showed up,” he muttered. “Your ice cream’s just about melted.”
“My mission ran a little long,” she answered apologetically, grabbing the half-melted ice cream that Roxas held out to her.
“Me and Axel already finished ours,” Roxas said, holding up his stick as if to prove it. “Neither are winners, though.”
“Maybe yours will be,” Axel mused as Xion took her usual spot. He quirked up an eyebrow as he noticed Xion smiling at him. “What’s with the grin?”
“Did you have a good mission?” Roxas wondered aloud.
“I’ve been waiting all day to tell you, Axel!”
“...Tell me what?” he asked tentatively. It was never a good sign when Xion got that mischievous glint in her eyes.
“I figured out why Saïx is mad at us all the time.”
He narrowed his eyes. He had no idea where this could be going. Nowhere good, probably. “Is this because of that little chat we had the other day?”
Xion nodded cheerfully. “Mm-hm!”
“I told you to let that go,” Axel sighed. Maybe it was a mistake telling her about his past life.
“Well, tell us why!” Roxas exclaimed impatiently. “That guy has always treated us unfairly for no reason.”
She turned to look at Axel, jabbing a finger in his direction. “It’s because you never get ice cream with him anymore.”
“What?” Roxas responded first, nearly falling off the clocktower as he leaned to give Xion his best bewildered stare.
Axel couldn’t help but chuckle. “Really? And where’d you get a crazy idea like that?”
“I talked to him this morning,” she insisted.
He crossed his arms, unimpressed. “And Saïx told you that?”
She thought for a moment. “Well, not exactly…” she trailed off.
Roxas turned to him inquisitively, putting the pieces together. “You and Saïx used to get ice cream together?” He said it like it was some kind of big betrayal.
“Yes, yes,” he waved his hand dismissively, “but it was a long time ago, ok?” He turned back to Xion. “What’d you say to him anyway?”
“I just asked him about when you were friends and why you stopped.”
“And he actually answered you?” Roxas muttered. “He didn’t call you mean names or ignore you?”
“I told you to just leave it alone,” Axel groaned, massaging his temples. These kids were gonna kill him. “And what, exactly, did he tell you?”
“He said that you two were the ones who started getting ice cream in the first place. And that you were friends a long time ago. But then it ended after you stopped getting ice cream together.”
“It’s a little more complicated than that, Xion. Saïx and I… We…” Axel wasn’t even sure he had the words to explain it. “It’s really hard, y’know, after you become a nobody…” he trailed off again, looking over the two, incredibly powerful, but incredibly naive kids in front of him. “I guess you two wouldn’t really understand it since you don’t remember. But, the point is, things change when you become a nobody.” He sighed. Guess there was no avoiding telling them after all. “Me and Saïx tried our best to stay friends, even after joining the Organization. But things were different. I don’t really think Saïx wants to get ice cream or be friends anymore. He’s more interested in Kingdom Hearts and all that. We couldn’t be friends anymore as nobodies.”
“It doesn’t seem possible that a friendship could end just like that.” Xion seemed legitimately bothered by the idea. “I just thought about if one day we all stopped getting ice cream I’d be pretty upset too.”
“Saïx doesn’t care about that,” Axel tried to reason. “It’s like I said, that guy’s more concerned with other things now.”
“I gotta agree with Axel on this one, Xion,” Roxas spoke up again. “I don’t think Saïx actually feels anything at all.”
“Everyone says nobodies can’t feel friendship, but don’t we all? I don’t see why Saïx is any different. Besides, Axel could just try and maybe then Saïx will stop being mean to us.”
Roxas pondered it over for a second. “Well…I guess it could be worth a shot if it’ll mean he stops calling you ‘husk’ and ‘puppet’ or whatever else.”
“Oh, not you too, Roxas!” Axel exclaimed, suddenly finding himself outnumbered.
Xion turned back to Axel, face earnest, but set with determination. “You have to try. If you get ice cream with him, maybe you two could be friends again too!”
He really couldn’t say no to those puppy dog eyes. Roxas joined in, suddenly taking up her cause as well.
He rubbed the back of his head. “I guess it couldn’t hurt to ask…” he finally conceded. They cheered. What was he getting himself into?
He sighed. If he could at least get Saïx to back off from being mean to his friends then it would be worth it.