Archive of Our Own

666  

diluc falls in love for the first time on a hot summer evening when ajax drags him out into the fields of tall grass – taller than they were – to look at the moon. tonight, it is big, and it is blue, but diluc has a hard time focusing on ajax’s excited chatter, on how it’s really just a trick of the light caused by the right amount of dust and smoke.  

all diluc can think of is how the blue of the moon reminds him terribly of the blues of ajax’s eyes.  

how there’s ash in them too – specks of grey between pools of azure – and diluc decides that this too, must be an illusion, that this will all go away when morning comes, but when kaeya sits across from diluc at the table for breakfast the next day, he finds that his brother’s eyes look nothing like the moon.  

ajax continues pulling diluc to his many adventures, and diluc lets himself be pulled, whether it be to the abandoned pool two towns away or to the very ends of the earth. all the while, he buries his long growing feelings like how ajax and him had buried their time capsule under the birch tree behind ajax’s house two summers ago.  

“we’ll open it in fifteen years,” the then thirteen-year-old ajax had told him, brushing the dirt off his palms on his pants. “unless, of course, i’m in space. in that case, you’ll have to wait for me to return, okay?”  

fourteen-year-old diluc had nodded at him, and said, “i can wait. father says i’m pretty good at that.”  

“what are you thinking about?” the now seventeen-year-old ajax asks, and diluc blinks back at him, snapped out of his reverie. ajax is leaning so close to diluc, so much so that he could count each and every eyelash fanning across the slope of ajax's skin if he so wished.  

you, diluc thinks but doesn’t dare say, i’m always thinking about you.  

“nothing,” diluc dismisses, turning his head away so quick that the ends of his ponytail brush ajax’s cheek. he hopes the flush crawling up his neck doesn’t catch ajax’s notice. ajax catches a stray lock between his fingers and gives a playful tug.  

“you’re no fun,” ajax whines, but diluc doesn’t answer him.  

the summer that follows is unbearable, not just because of the way the heat sticks to his skin like a fever he can’t sweat out but because ajax can’t manage to keep his shirt on, casually peeling off his top as they sit by the edge of the riverbank.

diluc makes the mistake of not looking away at the first sight of tan skin, and the moment his eyes land on the freckles littered across ajax’s collarbones, it’s all he can notice – sunspots and beauty marks on his chest, on his stomach, hidden beneath the waistband that’s peeking underneath the hem of his levi's and diluc tears his eyes away, heart hammering.  

when he comes home that night, cheeks flushed from the bike ride home, kaeya finds him first. “did you have fun?” he asks, dry.  

diluc startles at being caught sneaking back in. it’s well past midnight and he didn’t think anyone would be awake. the ranch hands working at the pastures had long gone home, and the lone light on under the patio made him think he could slip in unnoticed.  

“you have school tomorrow, kae,” comes diluc’s reply, “get to bed.”  

kaeya peers up at him like he wants to say something. “you do, too.” then, he pokes diluc’s cheek with his index finger. once, twice. “your cheeks are so red, luc.”  

“i biked the entire way home,” diluc explains, suddenly defensive.  

kaeya stares at him, raising a brow. “with ajax?”  

diluc gnaws on his bottom lip, embarrassed to have kaeya read him so well. “with ajax.”  

“then he must be a whole lot stupider than you,” kaeya says, and walks away, leaving diluc feeling mortified before he runs after his brother and tackles him with a hug.   

on the hardwood floor, kaeya screeches as diluc shushes him, lest they wake up their father, and demands to know what he means.

kaeya squirms underneath the weight of his brother, until he finally relents and grumbles out, “you’re so obvious with your crush.”  

“you know?”  

kaeya rolls his eye at him. “i think everyone knows.”  

the truth is that diluc doesn’t hide secrets as well as he thinks he does, and the truth is that ajax has known all along. he tells diluc as such on the last day of school before summer break, on their walk home when the sun shines tall, and the clouds hang low.  

“why do you think i always make you follow me everywhere?” ajax asks diluc, squinting his eyes a little as he looks ahead. diluc sighs at the sight, wondering how many times it’s been that ajax has forgotten his glasses back home.  

“because i’m your favourite?” diluc guesses, more as a joke than anything, just so he could get something out so ajax doesn’t pick up on the way jumping and skipping of his heart mirrors the exact way ajax bounces on his heels as he walks.  

“yeah,” ajax says easily, “you are my favourite.”  

diluc scowls at him, at ajax’s unhidden sincerity, at his own inability to accept it without spilling all that’s been festering within himself all the while.

“why do you say such embarrassing things?”  

ajax shrugs. “you’re clever enough, diluc. you’ll figure it out.”  

he sounds disappointed, and diluc has no idea what he’s talking about. he grabs onto ajax’s hand and gives it a firm pull.

“what’s that supposed to mean?”  

ajax’s eyes flit from where diluc’s still holding onto his arm to diluc, and he smiles.

“do you really want to know?”  

the way he asks it makes diluc want to say no, to backpedal away from whatever can of worms he’s managed to unknowingly topple over. there’s mischief dancing in his eyes, playful and knowing, and diluc feels something terrible stir in his gut.

“yes,” he says instead, letting go of ajax.  

“you like me, don’t you?”  

diluc’s heart lurches to his throat, and he realises that it doesn’t matter what he says – whether he denies it or not, ajax already knows everything he needs to.

“and what of it?” he forces out, because seventeen-year-old diluc has done a little growing up since the days of shoving cans of ajax’s favourite soda under his desk before class and denying it vehemently when asked if he knew who it was. 

“you’re not denying it?” ajax tilts his head in question. he’s still smiling, crooked and handsome.  

“no. don’t let it get to your head though,” diluc warns, walking ahead of ajax who’s stopped in his tracks. he rushes to add, “i’ll get over it eventually.”  

diluc doesn’t mean that last part, because imagining a world where he doesn’t like ajax seems as impossible as one where they hadn’t chased after the same butterfly down the street ajax had just moved to, as one where ajax isn’t always angling his face towards the vast expanse of the sky, finger pointing to the stars and all diluc can look at is his hand.  

ajax lets out a low whistle. “it’s a little too late for that.”  

diluc very nearly, and very stupidly, asks ajax how he knew that it’s been simply too long for diluc to write off what he feels for ajax as a fleeting crush. that lately, it’s been tethering the line between ‘like’ and that other word diluc doesn’t dare say – but then, he decides there’s no way ajax could have figured that out, so he clamps his mouth shut.  

“i like you too, in case it wasn’t obvious,” ajax adds, as if it's some sort of explanation. diluc stares at him.  

and then he’s running.  

if there’s one good thing about living in the countryside, it’s the vast expanse of clear fields for diluc to run past, for him to get away from the horrifying ordeal of having to confront whatever it is that’s causing the pounding in his chest that has nothing to do with the steady rhythm of his feet against the ground, the wind brushing past his cheek.  

diluc is a fairly good runner, something he can attribute to spending years playing tag with kaeya, who’s the fastest runner in their town and by extension, the whole world.  

“why are you running away?” ajax calls out to him, only a few paces behind him, because diluc wasn’t the only one who’s spent countless afternoons chasing after kaeya.   

“why are you following me?” diluc retorts childishly, making the mistake of looking back and seeing the breathless smile on ajax’s face, the violent flush on his cheeks.  

the sight alone has him stumbling in his step, and that’s all it takes for ajax to reach him, crashing into his side roughly enough that they both end up in a tangle of limbs on the dirt road. diluc lets out a sharp hiss at the fall, and he looks up to see ajax looking back at him, undoubtedly amused.  

“caught you,” he teases, nudging diluc’s thigh with his knee.  

diluc nudges back, though frowning. “please don’t patronise me.”  

just like that, the humour in ajax’s eyes diminish, and his brows pinch together as he quietly insists, “i’m not. i really do like you.”  

“really?” diluc asks, ignoring the way hope worms its way into his tone, the way he prays that this isn’t some sort of joke.  

“really,” ajax confirms, “i’ve liked you since we were sixteen and you stole your dad’s car so we could catch that meteor shower.”  

“i got into a lot of trouble for that,” diluc grumbles at the memory, but when he turns to look at ajax, there’s an undeniable fondness in his eyes.  

“i know,” he says, soft.  

they’re still lying in the middle of the road, and diluc still can’t believe a word of what he’s hearing but most of all, he can’t help but squirm a little under ajax’s gaze.

“are you going to kiss me now or what?” diluc huffs out, only half-joking.  

“so unromantic,” ajax laughs, before he’s holding diluc’s face in his hands and leaning in and kissing him silly.  

as it turns out, ajax was right. kissing ajax might have been something of diluc’s daydreams come to life, but kissing him in the middle of the road gets them nearly struck by a red bike, which stops just so the boys manage to scramble away unharmed, though the basketful of apples that was being precariously balanced don’t receive the same mercy.  

they end up receiving an earful from the lady who works at the apple orchard and a promise that both their parents will hear of this bout of recklessness. they pick up bruised apples, and diluc feels ajax‘s fingers brush his as they reach for the same one. he looks up to see ajax biting back a smile, eyes not meeting his. they lock pinkies on their way back home. 

it’s the sort of romance diluc had always dreamed of.  

777  

ajax and diluc go a little like this – summers that never end, summers that end too quick, nights that never come and nights that seem to last forever. their days stretch past the hands of a grandfather clock, and their lives extend beyond the edges of the world. it feels a little like an adventure that has no beginning or end, no goal or obstacle; something invented just for them both. it feels a lot like love.  

it sounds like laughter, unhidden and carefree. it tastes like warm honey and cold lemonade. loving ajax, and having ajax love him in return feels like everything diluc could have imagined and then some.  

these days, diluc spends more time in ajax’s home than his own, where they are free from the prying eyes of younger brothers that suddenly know everything ever since they’ve turned fifteen years old, and the harmless teasing of fathers that have a twinkle in their eye every time they catch the two of them in a world of their own making.  

by now, they’ve both outgrown the dimensions of ajax’s twin-sized bed, but diluc finds that he hardly minds being pressed up against ajax like this, when the blowing of the AC causes the wisps of ajax’s hair to brush against diluc’s cheek, when they are so close together that they almost become one.  

“what are you reading?” diluc mumbles into the fabric of ajax’s tank top.  

ajax shifts his head so he’s looking back at him and shows diluc the cover. “it’s a study on astrophysics.” 

diluc makes a face. “gross. the semester’s over, what’s it for?”  

“i’m applying for a programme after we graduate. there’s no guarantee or anything, but if i get in, it makes it easier to get into an internship under TASE, which is the dream, you know?”  

“yeah, i do know,” diluc says, unable to resist a fond laugh. “do you have to sit for a fancy test out of town?”  

ajax cracks a smile. “something like that.”  

his glasses have slid down the slope of his nose so diluc pushes them back up for him, fingers lingering on the apples of his cheeks.

“are you nervous?”  

“a little,” ajax admits, leaning into diluc’s touch.  

“don’t be,” he answers, “you’ll be the very best.” 

to diluc, this is the most obvious answer, simply because ajax has always been the best at everything. he’s clever and sharp and doesn’t complain like diluc does when he’s teaching kaeya math, even when kaeya isn’t paying proper attention at all. the sort of person that seems to be so beloved by the world, like he’s the centre of the universe, or maybe just diluc’s.  

on the day of the exam, diluc offers to drive ajax to the test centre. it’s all the way in the city, and from the corner of his eye, diluc catches the way ajax’s leg bounces with nervousness. he places a hand on the other's thigh while ajax chats away in that excited manner of his, smiling just slightly when it causes ajax to trip over his words.  

diluc waits for two hours in the car and when ajax finds him after it’s ended, gone is the air of uneasiness that had surrounded ajax on their drive and back is his ajax – confident, sure and sanguine.  

“you didn’t have to wait for me,” ajax laughs as he gets in. his tone tells diluc what he really means to say is, i’m so glad you did.   

“forget that,” diluc dismisses easily. “how did it go?”  

... 

just once, they go to the beach. 

the occasion is that diluc has only been to the seaside twice, both of which from when he was a little kid with only a few hazy memories so it doesn’t count. the occasion is that it’s the weekend before diluc’s eighteenth birthday and kaeya has declared that day to be off-limits for boyfriends. the occasion is that they are young, and decidedly in love.  

it’s their first proper road trip, at least the first that their fathers are aware of, and kaeya grumbles and whines unendingly when their father tells him he can’t come with.  

“i’m not a baby,” kaeya mutters, pouting as he watches diluc load his pickup truck with his bags. “i’m almost sixteen.”  

ajax ruffles kaeya’s hair and snickers when he lets out a shriek. “don’t be sad, kae, we’ll bring you along next time.”  

“not if father has a say in it,” diluc remarks, looking over his shoulder at the two. ”kaeya flunked math again.”  

“no matter. we’ll just have to sneak you in the back then,” ajax teases.  

kaeya huffs at the pair. “whatever. not like i want to see you guys be all gross and mushy anyway.”  

“we are not gross and mushy,” diluc protests, and ignores kaeya’s resultant cry of, are too! when ajax bumps their shoulders together and whispers, “are we ready to go?”  

even after so long, the proximity has diluc’s breath stuttering. his eyes focus on the way ajax is looking at him with the fondest of smiles, the kind that sets up a kaleidoscope of butterflies in his belly.  

“yeah,” he replies, a little breathless and not meeting ajax’s eye.  

the beach they end up arriving at is quiet and empty, and as diluc stares out at the horizon, he wonders what it would be like to live by the seaside. to be accompanied by the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, the sensation of cool sand between his toes as he collects seashells with kaeya.  

ajax has gone into the inn to book their room, and diluc waits for him by the waters, dipping his feet into the sea, with his jeans rolled up to his calves. the water is cool to the touch, and the passing breeze has diluc letting out a slight shiver as dusk falls.  

that’s how ajax finds him, slowing treading further and further into the waters, unbothered by how his cuffed jeans end up doing very little to keep his pants dry.  

ajax doesn’t hesitate to follow, uncaring of the way his large and eager steps cause the water to splash onto his shirt. when he reaches diluc, he throws an arm over his shoulder and laughs into his ear.

“you didn’t wait for me,” ajax complains, exaggerating a pout.  

“you were taking too long,” diluc answers, hiding his smile. “do you need help bringing the bags in?” 

“i already brought them in,” replies ajax, “though there is a problem with the room...”  

diluc’s brows pinch together. “what?”  

ajax leans closer until their noses nearly brush. “there’s only one bed,” he whispers, a giddy grin slowly spreading on his lips when diluc huffs and pushes him away, albeit weakly.  

“you had me worried,” diluc complains, shoving ajax once more, now with a little more force. “i thought you going to say that they were fully booked.”  

ajax stumbles this time, and instinctively grabs onto the hem of diluc’s shirt for purchase, falling flat on his ass and pulling diluc in tow. diluc lands on top of him with a dull oof and immediately he feels the sensation of drenched clothes sticking to his skin while ajax looks up at him, unhidden amusement dancing in his eyes.  

“my jeans are all wet,” diluc says sullenly and ajax pinches his cheek.  

“we’ll let them hang dry,” he placates, and diluc splashes water in ajax’s face.  

they eat dinner at in an empty diner, where ajax happily feeds diluc bites of his own burger and they pretend that the girl manning the register doesn’t notice the kiss diluc presses on ajax’s lips when he spots the dot of strawberry ice cream on the corner of his mouth. the bed that they get in the motel is large enough for the two of them to lie side by side, without having to touch, but by nightfall diluc has already found his place in ajax’s arms, the other side of the bed left empty.  

the sky is cloudless the next day as they set out to build sandcastles and sand gets everywhere to the point where it’s in diluc’s shoes, and between his fingers and in his eye and as he’s wiping a stray tear from his cheek, diluc feels strangely melancholic, like he’ll never get another day like this.  

the suddenness of the thought frightens him a little.  

“when you go off to uni, do you think we’ll still have time for days like these?” diluc wonders aloud. when ajax doesn’t say anything, he continues, “i mean, i’m sure we’ll figure something out, but it’ll be strange, not seeing you every day.”  

“yeah,” ajax echoes.  

“say,” diluc begins, changing the subject, “have you heard back from TASE? about who’s gotten shortlisted?”  

there isn’t a bone in diluc’s body that doubts whether ajax will make it in, knowing that people like him are the sorts that are destined for greatness, a sort of grand adventure that has them so far out of reach from the likes of people like diluc. diluc is just lucky enough to have ajax by his side, even till now.  

ajax fidgets a little, hands pausing against the walls of their little seaside kingdom.

“i got a letter a little while back.”  

diluc blinks at this piece of news, before his hands rest on ajax’s thighs, watching the way ajax’s eyes don’t meet his own.

“did you not get in?” he asks carefully, leaning in closer as he says this.  

ajax shakes his head, a conflicted look on his face. “no,” he says, “it’s not that.”  

"so you did?” diluc asks, confused. “why wouldn’t you tell me if you got in?”  

this was ajax’s dream, everything he’s been working so hard towards, and diluc can’t seem to understand why he doesn’t look happy at all.  

“could we talk about something else?” ajax says, sounding tired.  

“tell me what’s wrong,” diluc tries. he reaches out for ajax’s hand but finds it limp in his grasp.  

ajax swallows, his adam’s apple bobbing as he does. “it isn’t just TASE i received an offer from, but the zalpolyarny frontier station, and when applying i never thought i’d consider it seriously but i’ve seen the place in person, luc. it’s everything i wanted, even ma agreed, and now that the opportunity is in my hands... i can’t let go of it.”   

there’s a nervous energy surrounding ajax as he says this, wholly uncharacteristic of ajax, and diluc can tell by the way he’s rambling that it isn’t how he meant to break the news. yet, hearing it from him, it sounds unbelievable, perhaps in the worst way possible.  

“please say something,” ajax pleads at diluc’s resultant silence.  

diluc lets out a short bark of laughter. “zapolyarny, as in snezhnaya? but i thought... how long have you known that you’d be moving out of mondstadt?”  

“i never meant to keep it from you–”  

“how long, ajax?” diluc cuts him off.  

quietly, ajax says, “ever since i went to see my family back home.”  

home, ajax calls snezhnaya, though he’s lived in the same small town as diluc his whole life. it stings more than it should.  

“that was months ago, ajax,” diluc replies, his voice getting increasingly more upset. “when were you even intending on telling me?”  

“i didn’t know how to,” ajax explains in frustration, running a hand through his hair. “how are you meant to tell the person you love that you’re leaving in a week?” he then lets out a low curse, as if he hadn’t meant to say the last part.  

“a week?” diluc demands, furious. “you’re leaving in a week?”  

he feels his stomach sink at the admission, at the realisation of just how much he’d been oblivious to. he always imagined that he’d be the first person ajax would confine in, his closest companion since they were children, but to have to pry news like this from the love of his life... diluc feels sick.  

ajax’s lips part open, as if to explain himself, or offer another excuse but diluc doesn’t think he can take it. not with the blood that’s rushing to his ears, or the stinging he feels in his eyes. how could ajax have acted as though nothing was amiss all this time, when he knew that their relationship was but the ticking of an hourglass, with the last grains of sand left?  

“is this what you wanted? to bring me here and to break my heart in the cruellest way possible?” diluc asks, uncaring of the harshness of his words. “will it bring you comfort, knowing i’ll spend forever getting over you?”  

by now, he can feel the stares of the people around them, catching onto the scene that’s unfolding between the two boys but diluc doesn’t care for their audience.  

ajax’s expression sours, and diluc nearly winces at the sight of it – to have ajax ever look at him with anything other than fondness in his eyes.

“do you think i like the thought of being apart from you any more than you do? you know i can’t lose this opportunity, diluc, it’s everything to me.”  

“who are you talking to?” diluc hisses, “when have i ever asked you to give up anything? i know how important this is to you. i just wish–” letting out a shaky breath, he continues, “i just wish you had told me so we could have had this conversation properly and not at a beach with strangers watching us argue. how could you not tell me, ajax? how could you bear it all by yourself?”  

when ajax just keeps staring at him, an amalgamation of emotions swimming in those ocean blues, diluc can’t bear to meet his gaze.

“go ahead and break up with me so we can end this conversation here,” he says finally, pretending as though he isn’t one broken heart away from begging ajax to stay. 

“i’m not breaking up with you,” ajax says, firm. “that’s not what this is.”  

“then what is it?”  

“it’s me asking you to wait for me,” he tells diluc, voice unwavering. “i’ll come back for you, i promise.”  

diluc gnaws on his lower lip, eyes dimming. “why don’t i believe you?”  

the truth is that diluc doesn’t need ajax to tell him what this is, because he already knows that there would come a day where ajax would go somewhere diluc wouldn’t be able to follow, a place that is designed for people with bright minds and clear ambitions, and one that he will never know. what this is, is the start of their eventual drifting, until these days will be memorialised in diluc’s mind, until that will be the only proof of its existence. 

gently, ajax’s hand finds his, and gives him a firm squeeze.

“i think,” ajax begins slowly, “you are under the impression that i somehow love you less than you love me. is it so impossible? to think that i want to be by your side always, maybe more desperately than you do?”  

by now, ajax has grown closer to him, so close that diluc can see the grains of sand sprinkled across his collarbones, on his shirt, on his skin. he holds his tongue, biting back any response, and lets ajax continue.  

“i’d say it’s not a competition, but everything is a competition between us, and so you must know that i’ve loved you for longer. plus, i liked you first.”  

“there’s no way,” diluc interjects, despite himself. “you told me you liked me at sixteen. i’ve liked you ever since the day we watched the blue moon.”  

the smile ajax sends him makes him feel both beloved and miserable.  

“maybe it was my fault for not telling you the truth earlier, but teasing you was far too fun,” ajax admits, “i have loved you since we were thirteen and you fell off the tree trying to save donna’s stupid cat. my fate was sealed since.”  

diluc feels his face flush. “what are you talking about? her cat scratched all over my face, and i sprained my wrist. it was so embarrassing.”  

“not to me,” ajax protests, drawing diluc closer. “not when you held back your tears and basically consoled a blubbering donna, all the while being injured. i thought you were so cool, i still do. i reckon it’s the day donna started liking you too.”  

ajax tells the last bit especially quietly, and inexplicably, it startles a bubble of laughter out of diluc. ajax presses a kiss to diluc’s cheek and knocks their foreheads together.  

“do you believe me now?” he asks tentatively.  

diluc’s face crumbles and ajax doesn’t hesitate to pull him into a hug.  

“i already miss you,” diluc confesses into the crook of ajax’s neck. he tightens his hold on ajax, as if it’ll keep him near, as it’s all that he can do.  

“i’m right here,” comes ajax’s reply.  

888  

three hours after ajax leaves, kaeya finds diluc sitting by the patio with his knees drawn up to his chest as he watches the cows grazing the pastures with a blank look on his face. kaeya takes one look at the tear tracks on his brother’s cheeks and draws up a chair beside him, wordlessly settling down. for a while, no words are exchanged, until diluc let out a heavy sigh and kaeya blurts out, “for the record, he was a little ugly anyway.”  

diluc doesn’t laugh, but cracks a small smile. kaeya regards it as a victory nonetheless.  

change for diluc ragnvindr does not come like trickles of the rain, beginning with feather-light raindrops before pelting down into a storm. change is a typhoon and when it rains, it pours.  

three days after ajax leaves, diluc is the one suddenly faced with the age-old question of what he is meant to do with his life. he supposed when ajax was still by his side, it was fairly easy to get sunk into the sort of ambition ajax possessed, to believe that somewhere within this grand future ajax has planned out, that there is a future for diluc that is carefully embedded between dreams of living by the seaside and having no less than three dogs.  

as it goes, diluc realises the year he turns eighteen that it’s now time to choose. to pick what he’s going to do with this life of his.  

his father wants him to be a lawyer because it was the dream he had as a little boy, and diluc decides that that’s what he’s meant to do, then.  

“a lawyer?” kaeya questions, as they feed the horses roughage, “is that what you want, or what’ll make father happy?”  

“what i want is to make father happy,” diluc replies simply, and ignores the scoff kaeya lets out.  

evidently, this is also the year kaeya turns sixteen and decides that he has some sort of vendetta against the rest of world for brimming him with so much teenage angst that can’t even be fixed by listening to punk rock bands and wearing kohl. the problem arises when diluc realises that this hypothetical rest of the world now suddenly includes him. 

“i just don’t understand why you’re not more excited to leave this town,” kaeya continues, “there’s a whole world out there, luc.”  

diluc frowns. “what if i like it fine here?”  

kaeya raises a brow at him before turning back to his horse, hurricane.

“did you hear that, hurricane?” he faux whispers, “he’s gone absolutely mad.” hurricane whinnies in agreement.  

“i mean, even your boyfriend left the first chance he got. why should you have to stay?” when diluc still doesn’t say anything, kaeya spares him a glance and gapes at the stormy expression on his face, muttering, “please don’t tell me that you truly intend to stay here until ajax comes back or else i really will think you’ve gone mad.” 

“what does he have to do with anything?” diluc asks, irritated.  

“everything! how could you ever get over him, staying here?”  

diluc nearly grimaces at the thought of getting over him, at the thought that there is something he will need to inevitably ‘get over’, because he can’t help but cling on to the belief that ajax meant what he said.  

still, diluc can’t fault kaeya for what he’s saying. what he doesn’t tell kaeya, however, is that part of the reason he wants to stay is because he never wants to give up on ajax, however hopeless or foolish it may be. he wants to be naive and believe in the promises of first love, just for a little longer.

thirty-eight days after ajax leaves, it’s diluc’s turn to leave home. 

his father pulls him into a tight hug and asks him for the third time if he’s sure he doesn’t want him to accompany him to mondstadt city and diluc assures him that he’ll be fine. his father presses a featherlight kiss to the top of his head and tells him to be safe. 

kaeya watches the two of them with unassuming apathy, but diluc has known his little brother long enough to give him a hug anyway, which kaeya protests immensely to. still, he stops resisting and tells diluc firmly, “do a lot of stupid things that would worry dad but don’t worry about dad, and especially don’t worry about me.”  

diluc will miss his family dearly. he promises his father that he’ll be good, and kaeya that he’ll be bad, every now and then, just for the fun of it.  

thirty-nine days after ajax leaves, diluc meets his roommate for the first time. her name is lisa minci, and she’s a couple years older than diluc and he can tell by the glimmer in her bottle green eyes and the knives hidden in her smile that she is the exact sort of trouble that kaeya had wanted diluc to get acquainted with.  

they get along swimmingly.  

seventy-two days after ajax leaves, diluc catches a glimpse of a boy on the street with tawny brown hair and freckles dotting his arms and for a terrible moment, he feels paralysed. that is, until the boy turns around and it is a face diluc has never seen and he feels unendingly foolish. even now, he can’t let go of the face he has never stopped searching for in every crowd, the face he sees every time he closes his eyes.  

eula bumps his shoulder. “what’s wrong?”  

“nothing,” diluc forces out, and ignores the bile rising to his throat.  

one hundred and ninety-nine days after ajax leaves, diluc is sitting on his beat-up couch and he desperately needs to use the bathroom. the problem is that tonight is their monthly movie night, and him getting up from his position would entail disrupting the ecosystem that has formed around him. 

diluc’s thigh is currently acting as mona’s makeshift pillow – mona, who has most definitely fallen asleep – while being flanked at his sides by eula and amber who really should have been sitting together in the first place, considering how diluc is astutely aware that their hands are currently linked from across the couch behind him. 

in a last-ditch attempt to garner some sympathy, and also some help, diluc meets lisa’s eye from where she’s having a similar predicament on the loveseat and mouths, i need to piss. what do i do? 

unfortunately for diluc, lisa is faring a lot better than he is and it’s evident by the lazy smirk she sends his way that she does not care for his woes. diluc can’t blame her, for lisa looks exceptionally self-satisfied, half splayed across rosalyne’s lap while the blonde cards her fingers through lisa’s hair.  

frankly, diluc doesn’t quite understand the dynamic between lisa and rosalyne – other than the fact that lisa has been wanting to bed rosalyne for the better part of six months. initially, diluc thought rosalyne despised lisa, and when asked she would reply, of course i hate lisa, but watching them now... diluc isn’t too sure. if the night continues as it’s going, he’s fairly certain he will end up having to crash at eula’s apartment.  

mona shifts in her sleep, nestling closer to diluc in the process and diluc decides that he really must get up. so, he jostles out of his spot, and in the process manages to stir mona, who lets out an irritated whine, which causes rosalyne to pause in her canoodling of lisa to glare at him, which in turn makes lisa frown up at him and by the time diluc is free from the couch, he has five women staring at him in various degrees of irritation.  

well, four – amber is too polite to glare at diluc, and instead just appears sad to have to let go of eula’s hand, even if it was just for a minute.  

for a moment, diluc feels strangely obliged to defend himself, but looking at his friends, and how literally none of them were paying attention to the horror flick on the TV, diluc feels an inexplicable fondness for them all.  

“i love you guys,” he says, and doesn’t stay long enough to catch the baffled expressions on their faces.  

“is he okay?”  

three hundred and sixty-five days after ajax leaves, diluc stares at the night sky and wonders why he feels disappointed, why a part of him thought that something would happen. he watches the clock hit midnight, as it becomes day three hundred and sixty-six and he asks himself – what exactly had he been waiting for?  

every answer he comes up with feels too silly to ever admit, so he draws the curtains and heads to bed.  

a week later, when diluc makes his way to the living room for breakfast, he finds his brother seated at the kitchen island, his legs swinging and a bowl of cereal before him. lisa greets him with a sleepy, good morning, dear and takes a sip of her tea, paying no mind to kaeya.  

“morning, lisa,” he answers automatically, before turning to kaeya and asking, “why are you here?”  

“what a way to greet your beloved brother,” kaeya says, snide, before continuing, “fear not, for i come bearing gifts. the lady at the orchard gave dad way too much jam for her not to be in love with him, and he told me to go and deliver some to you.”  

then, to prove his word, he tips his chin towards the counter where there sits at least a dozen jars of jams – ranging from mulberry to strawberry to grape, and archons, father really must have an admirer.   

pulling out a chair beside lisa, diluc takes a seat. “and pray tell, what does father think of this lady from the orchard?”  

kaeya lets out a groan. “don’t even start,” he begs, “dad is convinced she’s just being neighbourly.” 

lisa snorts while diluc fails to suppress a fond smile. “typical.”  

“the apple must not fall too far from the tree,” lisa vaguely comments, and ignores diluc’s what does that mean, to continue, “diluc here has been trying to convince himself that the barista from the coffeeshop across the road isn’t practically in love with him.” 

kaeya perks up immediately. “elaborate.”  

“it’s not like that,” diluc groans.  

“it absolute is,” lisa counters, “why else would he say cookies were on the house whenever you swing by? there’s nothing that place likes doing more than overcharging their baked goods.”  

in truth, diluc is not an idiot. of course, he’s noticed the way the barista would look at him, eyes big and fond whenever they’d exchange a few words of conversation. unfortunately, diluc finds the special treatment a burden rather than something to be flattered at.  

“is he ugly then?” kaeya asks at the constipated look on diluc’s face and lisa laughs. “absolutely not.”  

kaeya opens his mouth, perhaps to needle some more but diluc doesn’t feel like hearing any of it. “it’s too soon, alright?” he snaps, and regrets his words the moment kaeya’s smile falls.  

lisa, always brilliant at reading the room, takes one look at them, and clasps her hands together. “i’ll go brew you boys some tea.”  

the moment lisa is out of earshot, kaeya presses, “too soon? it’s been over a year, diluc.”  

“things like these take time, kae,” diluc replies, “what do you want me to do about it? just cling to on to the next person that gives me a bit of attention?”  

“what i want you to do, is to kill that hope that ajax is going to come back for you,” kaeya says coldly, and diluc can’t understand why he sounds so venomous, or what happened to that little boy that loved ajax just as much as diluc did.  

“why are you acting like this?” diluc questions, frustrated. 

“because your ajax came back,” kaeya spits out, “and he didn’t ask a damn thing about you.”  

diluc stills. “what?”  

“he left a couple of days later, but he didn’t bother coming up to the ranch, not even once. ask dad if you don’t believe me.”  

“when was this?” diluc asks quietly.  

“a couple weeks ago.” diluc’s expression must betray whatever he’s feeling inside because kaeya takes one look at him and his face softens, turning a touch apologetic. “you might still feel like you owe some brand of loyalty to ajax but look at him. he’s moved on, luc. he doesn’t deserve any more of your time, don’t you get it?”  

three hundred and eighty-two days after ajax leaves, diluc stops counting.  

... 

diluc meets arataki itto one july afternoon when he’s taking a languid stroll on campus and a rugby ball hits him square in the face. the impact has him clutching his face, feeling wildly inconvenienced when he feels blood dripping from his nose. a large and burly guy comes barrelling after, and vaguely, in his fuzzy mind, diluc wonders if he’ll crash into diluc as well.  

“i’m so sorry!” the guy shrieks, looking ghastly pale at the sight of blood. “do you have a concussion!”  

diluc winces at the loudness of his voice, and remarks, “i just might.”  

he gets taken to the hospital, and itto – the guy – comes with, and in post-broken nose clarity, diluc notices how easy on the eyes his unintended attacker really is. he stays by diluc’s side the entire time, babbling on about his upcoming judo tournament, and diluc finds the chatter a welcomed distraction from the general mutiny that accompanies hospitals.

when itto offers to drive him home, he graciously accepts and as he’s heading back into his apartment building, itto blurts out, “do you want to get ice cream some time?”  

two days later, mona asks diluc if he wants to come with her to a music festival that saturday, saying something about how kunikuzushi doesn’t care for crowded places and swatting diluc in the shoulder when he laughs and asks, so am i your last resort?

“i can’t,” he eventually declines, “i have a date.”  

mona blinks at him. “oh.”  

she doesn’t say anything else on the matter but gives him a curious glance diluc doesn’t quite know how to decipher.  

it doesn’t work out with itto, but just like that, it’s as though diluc has a sudden realisation of how saturated the world is with people. people who he’s never met, people who keep his mind off useless things like first love and heartbreak, people who can make him feel whole again.  

he has a brief fling with one kamisato ayato, the type of person diluc has no doubt will end up on the Thirty under Thirty list in a couple years' time. ayato is charming, polite and ridiculously handsome, and by the time their relationship comes to its natural end, they part on wholly positive terms.

“why’d you let him go then?” amber asks him conversationally, when he’s having brunch with her and eula.  

diluc shrugs. “i’m not looking for anything serious.”

eula squints at him, like she wants to say something, and there it is – that look again, the same one mona had given him.

ironically, the boyfriend he ends up keeping around the longest is the one none of his friends happen to like and diluc supposes it makes sense.

zandik is all sharp teeth and hard edges, caring very little of what others think of him which might have miffed a younger diluc – but twenty-one-year-old diluc likes that about him, likes how zandik has never once seen him as something fragile and soft, and that when he bites, it’s harsh enough to draw blood.  

he’s never felt a love this violent, affection so cruel, and diluc finds it exhilarating as much as he does treacherous.  

“off to see your boyfriend again?” lisa calls out as diluc’s leaving their apartment.  

diluc pauses, before nodding. “i’ll be late, so i’m taking the spare keys with me.”  

“i don’t know what you see in him,” rosalyne remarks, not even looking up from her phone as she says this. “he’s a bastard.”  

“isn’t he your friend?”  

rosalyne grimaces. “did he tell you that? in that case, he’s a liar as well.”  

diluc doesn’t pay much heed to her words and hurriedly makes his way downstairs, slowing his pace just as he exits the building and zandik spots him. he’s waiting by his car, leaning against the side looking so unfairly handsome that diluc can’t help but steal a kiss. zandik smiles into it, before he nips at diluc’s lip hard enough for it to sting.  

“did you miss me, red?” he teases, opening the passenger door for diluc.  

“in your dreams,” diluc replies, unable to resist a smile.  

zandik drives diluc to his apartment where he then pulls diluc into his bedroom and takes him apart, taking his time with it. he’s not a gentle lover, nor does he wipe away diluc’s tears when he cries, but diluc finds that it hardly matters, not when he’s been craving this brand of closeness with an intensity he deems as wholly embarrassing and shameful.

by the time they’re well exhausted and well-spent, diluc finds his place in zandik’s arms, but the one thing he hasn’t gotten used to is how cold he is to the touch.  

zandik presses a kiss to diluc’s shoulder and murmurs, “leave early tomorrow morning, alright? i have people coming over.”  

“yeah,” diluc answers, “okay.”  

... 

kaeya and diluc have not spoken in a while.  

ever since the day kaeya had told him about ajax, a strange sort of tension has unfurled between them, making its presence clear in the lull in their conversations and the awkward stilts in their calls. kaeya appears to be under the impression that diluc somehow resents him for telling diluc the truth.  

diluc doesn’t. well, he doesn’t think he does.  

still, it is strange now that kaeya has turned nineteen and lives in the same city as diluc, yet never seems to run into his brother. they attend their separate universities and lead their separate lives, and diluc presumes that this is a part of adulthood no one had told him about. diluc had been under the impression that he’d always be sharing everything with his little brother, starting from chocolate bars all the way to the rest of their lives.  

just once, diluc spots his brother from across the street, walking with a blonde diluc doesn’t recognise. kaeya sees him soon enough, brows rising by a fraction before sending a small wave diluc’s way. he doesn’t wait for diluc to wave back before he turns back to his own conversation, and diluc stands there for a while, dazed and irrationally upset.  

he shows up at zandik’s place, unannounced, and when his boyfriend opens the door, he’s met with diluc kissing him with a voracious amount of force. it surprises zandik initially, before he melts into it and kisses him back, harder.  

“get me out of this city,” diluc tells him, as they pull apart.  

zandik’s eyes linger on his lips. “alright.”  

zandik takes diluc to a park in the suburbs, and it’s so serene that it keeps his mind off things that upset him and makes him remember just how much he misses home. he doesn’t hate the city, but he doesn’t think it could ever be someplace his, and his alone.  

as they sit on the swings and watch children play with one another, bright laughter and light squeals ringing out and clear, diluc wonders how zandik knew to navigate these roads like the back of his hand.  

“why did you take me here?”  

zandik lets out a hum. “i grew up in this neighbourhood. i always thought it was a bit of a drab but... i supposed you’d like it.”  

zandik breaks up with him not even a week later, and he says it’s because he’s lost interest. it’s blunt and short, and it takes diluc a week to get over him.  

“i could beat him up for you,” rosalyne offers when she hears the news.  

“you’d do that for me?” diluc asks, genuinely touched.  

“i saw him at work with some guy hanging off his arm,” she says, ignoring diluc’s question. “it pissed me off.”  

diluc considers this piece of information and tries to imagine zandik’s arm around another boy’s waist, someone who looks a little like him or maybe not at all, and finds that the image he concocts does very little to upset him.  

still, he gives zandik a call that night and he picks up after the third ring. “red,” he says in lieu of a greeting, “what is it?”  

“why did you break up with me?”  

there is a slight pause, and distantly diluc can make out another voice at the end of the line. “i told you why, didn’t i?”  

“and the real reason?” diluc urges.  

“i wasn’t lying,” zandik assures, and diluc can hear the smile in his voice when he says, “my ex is back in the city.”  

that evening, diluc lies flat on his back and stares up at the ceiling. the glow-in-the-dark stars that have been pasted on by the previous tenant are starting to peel off and diluc’s been putting off getting rid of them altogether.

instead, he focuses on the faint trace of light still clinging on to them and imagines that it was ajax instead – ajax with some other person in his arms, in his space, in his orbit and the thought alone has diluc feeling wrecked. 

the most sickening part is that he has no way of knowing, and decides that him and zandik are not that different, that kaeya was right. he needs to let go of ajax because it appears that ajax has long since done the same.  

a star falls on diluc. then another, and yet another, and the stars keep raining down on him like a meteor shower and when he picks one up, diluc finds that they have lost their glow.  

... 

as winter thaws away to welcome spring, diluc meets thoma.  

diluc doesn’t believe in love at first sight, nor does he believe in fate, or destiny – but he trusts the pounding in his heart when their fingers brush, the heat crawling up his neck when thoma beams at him, and he trusts it because it reminds him of his younger years, of having a massive crush, of being a boy.  

unlike his previous relationships, diluc finds that he’s in no rush to start anything with thoma, rather he wants to take it as slow as possible. he wants to get to know thoma like they have the rest of their lives to do so, like this is it – his chance to begin again.  

so, he confesses his affections by walking thoma the long way home, just so they could spend that extra six minutes together even though it’s completely out of his own way, and thoma tells diluc he feels the same by pretending like he doesn’t know there’s a shortcut that could get him home in half the time.  

diluc grazes his knuckles against thoma’s own as they walk side by side, and thoma manages to hear the underlying question of, will you go out with me? and when thoma catches diluc’s pinky finger with his own, hiding his smile by angling his face towards the clouds, all diluc hears is i’d love to.   

somewhere, between strolls in the park and the blooming of flowers, they meet in the middle.  

it’s not love, but it could be.  

with spring and with thoma, comes a softness that makes diluc believe he can mend this growing rift between him and kaeya before it becomes a ravine. he wants kaeya to meet thoma. diluc means it to be an olive branch, or the whole damn tree, just whatever it takes for his brother to come. 

thoma suggests lunch, and insists on making all the dishes, though he does let diluc help. side by side in the kitchen, thoma filets the tiger fish while diluc chops up the onions, and they fill the shared space of thoma’s tiny apartment with idle chatter, their shoulders occasionally bumping.  

diluc steals a piece of the grilled fish when thoma isn’t looking and it tastes just like the kind he had as a child, thoma catching the smile growing on diluc’s lips. 

“is it good?” thoma prompts, head tilting just by a fraction.  

diluc kisses his cheek. “it’s perfect. thank you.”  

foolishly, in his softness, diluc must have forgotten why kaeya and him fought in the first place.  

kaeya shows up perfectly on time and the moment he sees thoma, something flashes in his eye before he offers his usual charming smile and a small housewarming gift. thoma excitedly shows him in and diluc trails behind the pair, wondering what it is that kaeya is thinking.  

he knows that look – it's the same thing when he’d seen ayato, then zandik, and now, thoma. it’s disapproval.  

“what is your problem?” diluc finally snaps at kaeya after he hadn’t looked at diluc the entire time they were eating, offering one-word replies at questions and tight-lipped smiles when further prompted.

he pulled kaeya to a separate room with a half-baked excuse, because the last thing he wants thoma to see is how he can’t even manage to patch up his relationship with his brother.  

“nothing,” kaeya replies, arms crossed. “what’s your problem?”  

“my problem is that i try and invite you over for a nice meal with my boyfriend and you can’t even get over yourself and show either of us the slightest bit of respect. if you have an issue with me, keep it seperate from thoma–”  

“see?” kaeya interrupts, “that’s what’s bothering me – you never care for what i think about your stupid relationships. why start now?”  

“because this isn’t like the others, kaeya,” diluc stresses, “i want– i see a future with thoma.”  

kaeya looks at diluc like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “are you still in love with him, diluc? after all these years?”  

diluc's brows knit together. “what are you talking about?”  

“you know what i’m trying to say,” kaeya lets out a frustrated sound. “ajax is not coming back.”  

“what does he have to do with anything?” diluc demands.  

“what does he have to do with anything?” kaeya repeats, scathing, “take one look at your new boyfriend and tell me that he doesn’t remind you of anyone. go on, tell me that the one person you finally want to be serious with has nothing to do with the fact that you can’t let go of a relationship that ended three fucking years ago.”  

diluc opens his mouth, unable to say a word. he glances back at where thoma lies waiting in the dining room, happy and oblivious to the argument that’s unfolding only two rooms away.  

oh, thoma, diluc thinks belatedly. diluc really does like him, and has liked him ever since the first time they met – diluc walking past the dog shelter purely by chance, just as a new stray had run off with thoma chasing after it. the rottweiler had jumped right at diluc, causing him to fall over with an over-excited pup in his arms and a gorgeous man staring down at him, green eyes big and wide, offering diluc both an arm to get up and a thousand apologies.  

had it been any other universe, diluc believes that this would have been a meet-cute for the ages, the first page in the story of finding the love of his life.  

but in this universe, diluc has already crossed that chapter, and as much he is firm in his standing that thoma is more than some sort of cheap replacement of ajax, like kaeya believes – kaeya has a point that diluc is just now starting to see.  

thoma’s sandy blonde hair bears no resemblance to ajax’s tawny brown, nor does the sage green in his eyes flicked with yellow to ajax’s ocean blues, but thoma reminds diluc of ajax in every other way that matters. thoma’s smile, perhaps diluc’s favourite thing about him, is easy and kind and warm like summer and it had taken him this long to realise why exactly diluc keeps longing for summer, why diluc misses its heat.  

ever since ajax had left him, diluc had been waiting for summer to arrive every year that passed, and summer did come, but never the one he was waiting for.   

“i don’t want to break his heart,” diluc tells kaeya, swallowing thickly. thoma is good, so, so good and wonderful, and he hates that he can’t have him.  

“you’ll do it anyway,” kaeya spits back, and leaves.  

he is right, and diluc does end up breaking thoma’s heart. it happens a week later when they’re at the park, sitting on the same bench with their knees bumping together every now and then. thoma’s hand finds his, and when their fingers touch, diluc looks up to find thoma already looking at him, a gentle smile on his lips.  

“i think we should stop seeing each other,” diluc tells him quietly.  

he expects thoma to pull his hand away, to ask if diluc brought him to his favourite spot in the city just so he could ruin it forever, to tell him that he’s cruel and terrible and a billion other things. diluc anticipates this, his fingers clenching together tersely into a fist as he waits for thoma to register his words.  

but thoma is a better person than diluc thinks. thoma does not cause a scene. rather, he asks, “have i done something?”  

“no,” diluc answers, “you’ve been so wonderful to me. really.”  

“then is there someone else?” he implores, and the question catches diluc by surprise.  

diluc hesitates. “there is no one else,” he says once again, “but i think i need a little more time to accept that.”  

thoma sighs and then nods. “i was worried that your brother doesn’t like me,” he says, after a beat, “and i was wondering if i did something wrong.”  

“kaeya hardly likes me,” diluc laughs, bitter. “i wouldn’t take his likes and dislikes to heart.”  

999  

the day of his twenty-second birthday, diluc gets a call. it’s the ranch hand and he’s told that his father is dead, and now he’s calling kaeya, and he feels faint. he wishes he were dreaming.  

the doctors tell them it was a stroke, and that it could happen to anyone his age, and diluc doesn’t believe a word of what he’s hearing, he doesn’t understand how his father could be the strongest man in the world and the next moment, he’s in a casket and looking the smallest diluc has ever seen him. will ever see him, his mind supplies, and diluc hates this.  

kaeya is scarily quiet, they both are, and the funeral is held at the ranch.  

the whole town attends, and then some and despite the well wishes, the tears, the fanfare of having your father die on your birthday, four hours from your reach and a million years too soon, diluc and kaeya do not cry. they accept the hugs, they bury their father, and then they head back into an empty home and sit on the kitchen floor, lips pressed tight and eyes dry.  

“we have to sell the ranch,” kaeya decides finally. his voice is flat, and his eyes look empty. his left eye is uncovered, and diluc stares at him in disbelief.  

“why would we do that?” he asks, incredulous.  

“who’d be left to take care of it?” kaeya explains, “we don’t live here anymore, diluc, and the ranch staff don’t work full time.”  

“we could come back.”  

kaeya scoffs. “you just graduated and you have an internship lined up. i’m still in the middle of my degree. we’ve been living in the city for years, if we move here then what about our future? our friends? why would we give any of that up?”  

“why?” diluc echoes, “because this place was everything to father! to us!”  

kaeya inhales sharply. “i know you love it here, i did, too – but dad wouldn’t want us to sacrifice our lives just to keep a piece of land. it’s not realistic.”  

maybe that’s what does it for diluc, for kaeya to say that it isn’t realistic for diluc to every imagine a future in the very place he grew up in, in the one place he considers home. maybe that’s when they were doomed.  

“of course you’d say this,” diluc spits out, “you were the one dying to leave the ranch in the first place. did you ever like it here or were you just pretending for father’s sake?”  

“what the hell are you talking about?” kaeya demands, “why does it matter that i don’t want to give up everything i’ve worked towards to please someone that isn’t even here anymore? the ranch isn’t fucking sentient, it doesn’t care who owns it – only you do.” 

“can you even call yourself a ragnvindr, then?” diluc snarls.  

kaeya’s eyes narrow to slits. “that’s low, even for you.”  

diluc doesn’t reply, his breathing growing heavy and all he feels is years' worth of pent-up rage – not exactly at kaeya, but rather at how the moment things began changing, it never stopped, and now he’s lost his father, and soon his brother and eventually, the place he calls home.  

“diluc, i’m not staying here,” kaeya warns him, after a beat.  

“then i will,” diluc decides, “do whatever the hell you want, but i’m not leaving.”  

“and that’s it? that’s how you’re throwing away the rest of your life? diluc, think rationally! who are you doing this for?”  

“get out,” diluc tells him, voice low, unable to even look at kaeya. “get the fuck out.”  

kaeya gets up, his movements noisy and abrupt. diluc hears the back door open, the creaking of the old hinges, and he expects it to be followed by the sounds of kaeya’s footsteps, leaving. except, at the door, kaeya stops and sighs.  

“if i walk out through these doors, i’m not coming back. i mean it.”  

diluc clenches his fists and inhales. “just go.”  

he doesn’t move from his spot on the kitchen floor as kaeya lets out a sound of disbelief and slams the door behind him, not even when he hears the engine revving outside, the sound of kaeya’s car growing gradually more distant until diluc is left with nothing. nothing except the tremble in his shoulders, the shake in his cold and clammy hands, and the knowledge that he’s really done it this time.  

that night he heads to bed, and in his hazy vision he doesn’t notice he’s crawled up in his father’s room, in his father’s bed, until it’s daybreak the morning after and the other side of the massive bed remains untouched. he comes downstairs to find the house empty, with the only car in the garage being his own.  

his father remains buried in a cemetery thirty minutes away, and no matter how much diluc thinks none of this is real, he doesn’t come back. his brother remains in the city, four hours away. he doesn’t come back either.   

... 

the peculiar thing about living in your childhood home is how you never stop waiting for your father to get back home, armed with groceries, or for your brother to slam the door open and kick his shoes off, and you realise at one point that you are being haunted by these ghosts that do not exist; you are living in a time long past, and you have become the ghost haunting your own home.  

inexplicably, diluc expects his father to walk right through the door and ruffle his hair, to tell him about the cows and the horses and the chickens and every other mundane thing the world has to offer. he keeps thinking he’s sixteen and nothing bad has happened to him, and that nothing ever will.  

perhaps kaeya was right when he stormed out that day – that diluc was just signing himself up for a lifetime of misery, a lifetime of driving down the same roads he had once done with the people he loved, but now alone.  

but the thought of the ranch being run by people who’ve never met crepus ragnvindr, people who have never seen the days of laughter and endless summers and a time when all the ragnvindrs lived under the same roof makes diluc feel as though he really will lose the last remnant of his father. the last relic of his boyhood.  

so, he stays on the ranch and accepts this as his reality.  

it’s hard work, getting up before the crack of dawn and working well into the evening, but diluc finds that it is easier to keep his mind off useless things such as a longing for his family when he’s too exhausted to even think the moment his back hits his bed. his body aches with tire, but the sort of ache that grounds him.  

the ragnvindr’s ranch sits on the outermost edges of their countryside village, a little isolated, meaning that if diluc so desired he could go days without running into any of the townsfolk, and that is what he does at first. it is a lonely existence, and misery does seek company, so diluc goes out of his way to head to the farmer’s market and remind himself that he is not so alone. he mingles with the folk manning the stalls, smiling slightly when they coo and pinch at his cheeks, telling him how much he’s grown up.  

“it must be very difficult without your father around,” one lady sighs, and diluc doesn’t quite know what to say so he hums, non-committal.  

rather stupidly, diluc had hoped that no one would bring his father up, regardless of good intentions.  

he hasn’t been answering any calls, or checking his mail, ever since the funeral even though he knows his friends are concerned about him. distantly, he wonders if they’d give up if he puts them off for long enough.  

that thought alone should scare him enough to cling onto the people he still has left, but with the way the world is heading, diluc thinks that if everyone really did leave, then there would be comfort in knowing that that was it. there’s nothing left to lose.  

... 

some nights, diluc feels especially lonely.  

he misses ajax so much he wonders if he were to shout at the stars, whether ajax’s voice would echo back, sweet and familiar, and so deeply beloved. he tries it, he screams at the sky, begs for them to return him, but the stars do not answer. they leave diluc standing in the midst of a clearing in the deep of the night, all alone, his throat raw and his heart sore.  

it feels less shameful, now that he’s all alone, yearning for ajax to return even now. in his solitude, he digs out the address he’d gotten from ajax’s father before he moved away and writes to ajax.  

his first letter comes off strange and stilted, as though a part of him has forgotten their secret language, a tongue lost to time. the second he writes when he has a particularly bad day, and the third when he has a rather good one. he sends them with the excuse of birthdays, anniversaries and holidays until he’s sent out a dozen and received not one response.  

after that, he stops finding reasons and sends them anyway. it’s not like diluc has anything to lose.  

... 

a boy is standing on the porch, his round eyes large and uncertain as he asks, “is mister ragnvindr in?”  

deciding he’s the closest match to that description, diluc replies, “you’re looking at him.”  

the boy’s brows pinch together at this, lips pulling to a frown as he processes this piece of information. “i don’t think you’re old enough to be my dad’s friend.”  

diluc blinks. “then you must be talking about my father. he’s – he was mister ragnvindr, too, although he’s not here anymore. did your dad send you?”  

“um,” the boy starts, “it’s sort of a long story.”  

one phone call and half a photo-album flipping session later, diluc has a teenager living with him. it’s just for the summer, promised francis schmidt, just until him and his wife return from vacation in sumeru and diluc comes to learn that he was one of father’s closest friends back before diluc was born, and that father had once said that they were welcome to come whenever.

diluc may not have been the one to extend the offer but decides that there will come no harm on carrying on his father’s promise, which leads to one mika schmidt being under his wing for the next three months.  

it’s strange, making two plates of breakfast in the morning instead of just the one, as is watching mika sheepishly wolf down his home-cooked meals, but diluc has stopped regarding strangeness as something to shy away from.  

“do you need any help around the ranch?” mika asks. 

diluc frowns. “wouldn’t you rather go and play with the kids your age?”  

“i’m fourteen,” mika clarifies, slightly affronted.  

he blinks at him. “alright, then.”  

first and foremost, he teaches mika how to ride a horse. mika seems rather hesitant when diluc first proposes it but warms up to the idea when diluc promises that none of the horses in the stable are particularly gruff – well, all except one.  

“are you sure you want her?”  

mika nods his head eagerly, eyes darting back to hurricane with anticipation and that’s how they spend the morning, hurricane being surprisingly patient and mika very nearly falling off her only once which diluc considers enough of a success. still, it is quite enough of a scare that mika rides on the same horse as diluc for the rest of the day as they graze the cattle.  

the cows don’t cause much of an issue either, diluc getting off his mare to stop any strays from wandering off too far from the herd. mika watches him with poorly concealed curiosity, neither of them breaking the comfortable silence that falls between them.  

by the time diluc and mika have brought the cows back to the barn, well-fed and rested, the sun has begun to set, coating the ranch and the plains that surround it in a warm marigold.

he doesn’t feel exceptionally tired, the day going as smooth as any other, but he notes the slight slump in mika’s shoulder and tells himself that he must’ve scared the boy away from extending any more help.  

yet, by the crack of dawn, he finds mika waiting for him downstairs, legs swinging idly by the kitchen island as he nestles a cup of hot chocolate.  

“i made one for you too,” he tells diluc meekly, “could i help out today as well?”  

time moves in that strange way of its, excruciatingly slow in the afternoons where diluc has to work in the hot summer air but devastatingly quick the moment he begins to warm up to this new routine. two months in, and mika can ride hurricane without diluc having to hover behind them.  

on the weekends, when the ranch hands are around, diluc drives mika around with the intent of checking off all the many species of birds listed in his bird-watching guidebook. mika had mentioned the hobby to him in passing, brushing it off when further implored, so now diluc has taken it upon himself to accomplish this goal with him.  

if not for mika, then for the diluc that had always loved the falcons in his father’s journals but was too shy to express it.  

and if not even for that, then for the mika that comes running up to diluc, looking the most radiant diluc has ever seen him.  

“i saw it!” mika exclaims, eyes glinting with excitement, “the golden finch!”  

he shows diluc the photograph he took with his digital camera, and diluc stifles a laugh when he realises how much the finch resembles mika, his golden cowlick nearly identical to the golden finch’s. mika glances up at him, confused, but diluc shakes his head and hides his smile.  

when they sit on the picnic mat, eating the lunch that diluc had packed, mika quietly says, “my brother and i never hang out like this. he’s usually too busy with work.”  

sonething tells diluc that mika isn’t finished, so he lets the boy continue. “but when i was little, i remember him taking me to the park and teaching me how to ride a bike. the house got a lot quieter when he moved out, and even though it’s been a long time since, i still miss it. spending time with him, that is.”  

“does he know?” diluc asks mildly.  

mika seems to shrink into himself. “it’s embarrassing to say.”  

“i know,” diluc agrees, tone turning wistful. “when i used to fight with my little brother, the worst part was always saying sorry. so that’s why we didn’t, not verbally, at least.”  

the delicate thing about brotherhood was how indelicate it was. how it resisted the pettiest of fights, the roughest of brawls, how diluc could go to sleep thinking there isn’t a soul more unbearable than kaeya’s but by daybreak he’d sit across from his brother and whine about having to eat marmalade with toast anyway while kaeya gloats that it means he’s clearly father’s favourite. 

the frightening thing about brotherhood is how when that bond finally breaks, when that line is finally crossed, there is no returning back to the way things were. 

“you should ask your brother if he’s free for an afternoon, no matter how busy he seems,” diluc says, “trust me, no one is that busy, and chances are, he misses you, too.”  

mika snorts. “it’s that easy?” 

“it’s the easiest when you’re young.”  

“you’re not old enough to be saying stuff like that, though,” mika points out.  

“sorry, sorry. i’m becoming my father,” diluc placates, laughing, “living on the ranch makes me feel like i’ve aged about twenty years.”  

“how long has it been then?”  

diluc wrinkles his nose, thinking. “about five months.”  

“you made it seem like it’s been forever!” he protests, making a face, and it reminds diluc so much of kaeya that he gently shoves a pastry in mika’s mouth in lieu of a response.  

mika leaves as the trees begin to yellow, and diluc smiles when he gets a teary-eyed goodbye topped off with a tight hug.  

“be good,” he tells mika, ruffling his hair, “and tell me if your brother makes you sad. i’ll give him a stern talking to.”  

when all he’s left with is an empty farmhouse once again, diluc takes his phone and gives lisa a call. he’s missed her.  

... 

diluc stares at the date on the calendar that morning and thinks about he should do. happy birthday, kae. i miss you, diluc types, fingers hovering over the send button until he finally does so, but not before deleting the last bit until it just reads, happy birthday and promptly turns his phone off for the rest of the day.

he tries very hard to keep his mind off the question of how kaeya will respond, if he will even respond, and diluc privately hopes that he will, even if it is unkindly. that evening, he gets a text back. it reads, thanks. u doing ok?   

yes, he texts back, lying. are you?    

yeah. we should call soon, comes the reply, a minute later.  

they don’t, not until another two months later, and even then, it lasts for about four minutes.  

... 

the day diluc turns twenty-three, he drives up to the cemetery where his father was buried and leaves a bouquet of flowers. they’re purple hyacinths, one he picked up from the local florist a town away, and were his mother’s favourite, and so by extension, were his father’s too.  

when he drives back to the ranch, he’s met with a curious sight.  

there are two very familiar cars parked by his house, and when he gets out to investigate, all his friends seem to be crowding his front porch.  

“have you tried calling him again?” eula asks as rosalyne scowls, muttering, “that’s the first thing we did.” 

“what are you guys doing here?” diluc asks, genuinely baffled.  

“diluc!” lisa brightens at the sight of him, pulling him into a hug. “happy birthday, dear.”  

mona joins in next, pressing her cheek against diluc’s arm. “we missed you, so we came to surprise you!” 

“who’s we?” kunikuzushi grumbles, arms crossed.  

“surprise!” amber cheers, ignoring him. “are you surprised?”  

“you’ve gotten so big and strong,” mona comments, now moving on to poking diluc’s biceps. “i’m jealous, the country lifestyle must be treating you well.”  

“well? are you practicing selective mutism?” kunikuzushi asks snidely when diluc doesn’t say a word, wincing when eula smacks him in the shoulder as a result.  

“i’m just surprised,” diluc finally replies, voice coming off thick, “i wasn’t expecting anyone today.”  

he shows them all inside, unable to stifle a smile at the way they ooh and aah at the interior (mona and amber), clambering along way too many pieces of luggage for what is supposed to be a weekend getaway (rosalyne and eula, though half them appear to be lisa’s), and trying their best to feign disinterest (kunikuzushi).  

they all present their gifts to him, a myriad of items ranging from useful – rosalyne and lisa give him an expensive leather belt while eula hands over a brand new pair of work boots – to sweet – amber gets him a framed photograph of all of them together, taken the spring diluc had turned twenty – to bizarre – a mug that reads ‘I Might Look Like I’m Listening to You, But in My Head I’m Driving My Tractor’ and a sign that says, home is where the herd is.  

“they didn’t have any gifts specific to ranchers,” kunikuzushi offers, “you’re basically a farmer, anyway, right?”  

lastly, it’s mona’s turn, who begins with a very promising, “the budget was tight this time of year.” then, she hauls a large, white box and urges diluc to open it. “i baked you a cake. happy birthday, diluc dearest.”  

he blows out the candle and doesn’t tell anyone his wish. the cake is delicious and lisa smears a finger full of frosting on his cheek. they take lots of pictures with amber’s old polaroid camera and diluc tears up, just a little bit and thankfully, no one but kunikuzushi sees. he wipes away a stray tear while rolling his eyes and calling diluc a crybaby.  

even though the farmhouse has more than enough spare rooms, they all drag the futons to the living room like it’s a large sleepover. rosalyne whines endlessly about how eula snores, while mona and kunikuzushi argue over who should get to pick the movie they’re watching, despite amber reasoning that there’s time to watch both, really.

lisa lets all the madness unfold, a lazy smirk stretched across her lips as she lies on the couch like a very smug cat.  

diluc feels so very loved.  

that night, he gets a text from kaeya. it’s an old photograph of diluc’s eighth birthday where kaeya and him both have chocolate cake smudged over their faces. the caption reads, happy birthday lulu.  

...  

strange things happen the year diluc turns twenty-five, like how he gets an invitation to donna’s wedding in the mail. even stranger is how he actually goes. he doesn’t recognise the groom, or any of the other guests for that matter, but flora, the flower girl, waves at him shyly, so diluc supposes it’s not all too bad.  

“diluc! you came!” donna gushes when he goes to congratulate the couple.

she looks beautiful, her smile bright and genuine, just like it had been when they were kids. her husband mirrors her happiness, and diluc is invited over for lunch the next weekend. he comes home with a page full of pastry recipes, courtesy of donna marrying a baker, and decides to fix up his baking set up one morning on his day off.  

behind him, diluc hears the back door open as he’s cleaning out the oven.  

“come in,” he calls out, before getting up, wiping the grime on his apron. “did you need anything, charles?”  

diluc turns around and closes his mouth when it’s a stranger that’s pointedly not charles, staring back at him with the same brand of deer-in-headlights look.  

“diluc ragnvindr?” the stranger’s voice is low and gravelly despite the surprise in his tone, the kind diluc is certain he’d remember.  

diluc frowns. “do i know you?”  

the stranger has the decency to appear a little abashed. “perhaps not,” he answers, “i was kaeya’s friend, back in school.”  

diluc squints at him, thinking back to the sort of people kaeya kept as company. unlike diluc, he refused to bring his friends back home, choosing to stay over at theirs’ instead. he thinks back to the only one he’d possibly recall.  

“dainsleif!” diluc gasps, after a moment, “i remember you.”  

dainsleif smiles, his uncovered eye crinkling as he does. “you do,” he marvels, before shaking his head lightly. “i didn’t mean to intrude, by the way. i’m a photographer now, and i was looking to take some pictures of the ranch, if that’s no issue. the ranch hand told me to head inside. never thought i’d run into you.”  

“it’s no problem. why don’t i accompany you?”  

diluc watches dainsleif in his work, the way his trained eye is sharp and perceptive as he captures his subjects. he compares this dainsleif that stands before him to the one in his hazy memories – he used to have braces and thin, wired glasses, and would never meet diluc’s gaze when talking to him. diluc had assumed he was just shy, but looking at dainsleif now, the cool and aloof way he carries himself, the muted smiles he sends diluc’s way, he isn’t too sure.  

dainsleif’s hair has gotten long, not nearly as much as his own, but long enough that he has to push the golden strands from his face every now and then. he wears an eye patch, much like kaeya still does, and diluc recalls that being how the pair of them became friends in the first place.  

kaeya had come home from the very first day of school, excitedly telling diluc about the boy in his class who’s a pirate, just like him. his lips twitch upwards at the memory, at how both those little pirates now are at least a head taller than him.  

“you seem very interested in my work,” dainsleif comments, and diluc tears his gaze away, embarrassed to be caught staring.  

“sorry, was i distracting you?”  

“not at all,” he assures, angling his camera towards diluc. “would you like to see?”  

the shots he’d taken were beautiful, and diluc tells him as such, asking dainsleif if he could keep a copy of a couple of them. he finds out that dainsleif is here to create pieces for his next exhibition, centred around his hometown. by the time it’s getting late, dainsleif thanks him for his time and diluc realises just how much he doesn’t quite want him to go. 

“do you have anyone to show you around?”  

dainsleif lets out an amused exhale. “are you offering?”  

dainsleif finds the answer to his question when diluc drives them to all the places he’d frequent when he was younger, deeming it a much-deserved break from the ranch. it feels like opening a time capsule of sorts, revisiting old memories, now with the intent of crafting new ones. at the end of their days out, they’d sit in dainsleif’s car, their shoulders pressed together, looking through all the pictures taken earlier.  

diluc quietly praises them, snorting at the ones dainsleif let him take, before they reach one of diluc, himself.  

that day, they’d gone to the beach and the picture captures diluc with his head turned away from the camera. his hair had come undone earlier, and it cascades down his back like a fiery mane. the sunlight paints a golden glow over his silhouette, and diluc can see the gleam of his smile from where the light meets his face. diluc thinks he looks quite beautiful.  

“it’s me,” diluc says, a little unnecessarily.  

“i couldn’t help myself,” dainsleif admits, “i am a photographer, after all.”  

diluc tilts his head. “would that make me your muse, then?”  

he’d meant it as a joke, but dainsleif looks at him with something undecipherable in his eye, his gaze searching and for a moment, diluc wonders if he’s about to be kissed. but then, dainsleif laughs loudly, a little uncharacteristic of himself, and thumps his head noisily against the steering wheel, ignoring the concerned noise diluc makes. 

“sure,” dainsleif replies, voice coming off strained. “sure.”  

diluc doesn’t get kissed that night, and he especially doesn’t feel disappointed about it.  

... 

a storm brews one night, and they get caught in the rain.  

they had ventured off into town by foot, and end up running back to the ranch, drenched to the bone. they get water all over the kitchen floor as they head in, yet diluc has an ache in his jaw from smiling so much. he grabs a spare towel along with a dry set of clothes and hands it to dainsleif who isn’t faring much better, his blonde hair now darkened to a light brass from the rain.  

when dainsleif steps out of the bathroom, freshly showered, diluc’s clothes are a little too large on dainsleif’s lithe frame, stretching at his shoulders, his bangs covering his left eye.  

“i think there might be a spare eye patch of kaeya’s around–” diluc starts, realising that his eyepatch must have gotten wet as well but dainsleif shakes his head.  

“that's alright,” he says mildly, “i don’t mind you seeing.”  

it’d be a lie if diluc said he wasn’t curious. he knows why kaeya wears his, how he doesn’t like the thin, white scar stretching over his eyelid or how his irises are mismatched, one an icy blue, the other a deep brown.  

when he parts his hair, diluc finds that dainsleif’s covered eye is a milky white, but that’s not what surprises him. rather, it’s the patchwork of puckered skin around his eye. inexplicably, diluc aches to run his fingers over it, to feel the texture and clenches his hand into a fist before he does something stupid.  

“you’re partially blind?”  

dainsleif hums. “do you want to touch it?” he sees the way diluc hesitates, before smiling, just slightly. “i wouldn’t have asked if i didn’t want you to.”  

diluc draws closer, holding his breath as he finally crosses into dainsleif’s space. his skin is cool to the touch, and dainsleif’s eye flutters shut when diluc reaches for the scar and lets his fingers linger, brushing against his cheekbone, light.  

“your scar is cool,” diluc says quietly, afraid of breaching upon this thick tension that’s unfolded between them.  

“cool?” dainsleif quirks his eyebrow at him, the edges of mouth curling up.  

“very,” he replies, voice low, eyes even lower, lingering on dainsleif’s lips.  

by now, they’ve gotten impossibly close. he can feel the steady rise and fall of dainsleif’s chest against his own, and it’s alluring as much as it feels like a mistake.  

“i don’t want anything serious,” diluc whispers, throat tightening when he feels dainsleif’s hands finding his waist and not letting go.  

dainsleif leans in, until his breath is fanning over diluc’s cheeks, until the stars in his eyes look much more like open constellations. “i won’t be here long,” he murmurs, lips just barely brushing against diluc’s own.  

“oh,” diluc breathes out.  

dainsleif tastes like salted caramel and kisses like he has all the time in the world, languid and unhurried in the way he pulls diluc closer and eases diluc’s mouth open with his own.

diluc’s hand find his way around his broad shoulders, and he wonders if kissing dainsleif feels as good as it does simply because he’s lonely but then he’s pushed against a wall, dainslief pressing diluc’s body flush against his own and suddenly diluc finds that it doesn’t quite matter.  

he can’t remember the last time he’s been touched like this, with such unhidden want, and it has him reeling – catching the way dainslief looks at him, like he’s still taking photographs, like diluc’s worth being his muse.  

when they pull apart, dainsleif’s eyes are dark and heavy-lidded as they meet diluc’s and he asks, “did i read you wrong?”  

it takes diluc a moment to realise what he’s asking. “no,” he replies, breathless. “keep going.” 

they take to diluc’s childhood bedroom and when he’s pressed down against his mattress, his mind wanders to years back, to being in the same position with someone else and he wonders if he’s breaching upon something sacred, yet decides against assigning pointless meanings to things long past when dainsleif gazes down at him and murmurs, “you’re beautiful.”  

diluc feels heat crawl up his neck at the compliment, at how much it sounds like a confession.

“you already have me in bed,” he laughs, “there’s no need for flattery.”  

the intensity in dainsleif’s eye flares at his words, his lips pulling to a slight frown. tracing diluc’s cheek with his thumb, he replies, “diluc, i mean it. would you like me to prove it to you?”  

his touch his featherlight and delicate, and something in diluc’s gut coils at the implication, at being laid bare for someone he’s only just met, though it feels like half an eternity ago.

“please,” he says instead, voice barely above a whisper.  

dainsleif does prove it, does show diluc exactly what he means – and continues to show him well past the break of day, well past what one would expect from a one-night stand. he stays for breakfast, and wanders out during the day, camera in hand and by nightfall he’s back, helping diluc prepare dinner and doing the dishes afterwards.  

“the ranch has a lot of spare rooms,” diluc mentions casually when dainsleif tells him how expensive the fares are at the local inn.  

“free of charge?” dainsleif questions, his smile knowing.  

diluc leans into his space, kissing him just because he can. “only for the particularly handsome patrons,” he promises after pulling away, revelling in the way dainsleif looks at him back at him, full of want.  

diluc remembers this summer as one of his bests. he remembers one night especially, and keeps it close to his heart –  

“i’ll miss you,” says dainslief, in the same sort of way he says most things – cool and casual and sincere. it doesn’t sound like it’s meant for diluc to hear, because of the way dainsleif still has his face towards the clouds, a small smile on his lips.  

diluc’s heart catches in his throat. i can’t, diluc wants to say, but dainsleif deserves better than that.

“me too,” he says instead.  

“there’s someone else, right?” dainsleif asks him quietly. neither of them are looking at each other, but they are facing the same sky, and their fingers are intertwined. they see each other in every way that matters. “someone that you’re waiting for?”  

“yes,” diluc confesses. “someone i’ve been waiting for a long time for. maybe too long to ever give up.” once, diluc had thought that he’d been done with waiting for ajax but now he’s old enough to admit that he’d been waiting even before ajax left.  

“you have a choice, you know. to pick someone else, rather than waiting on forever.”  

diluc feels himself smile. “and what will happen if i pick you?”  

“we’ll make it work, the best that we can, at least. you’ll make me happy, and i’ll keep taking pictures of you.” he hears dainsleif let out a fond exhale. “it would be the sort of exhibition you’d see where it’s all just photos of a single person and people would say that it’s love, or something of the like.”  

diluc rolls over to where dainsleif is lying on the grass and takes his face in his hands. dainsleif’s skin is soft, so is the look in his eye and diluc kisses him, feeling both unendingly endeared and deeply sorry.  

he doesn’t end up choosing dainsleif, and as promised, dainsleif leaves just as autumn does. before he goes, he hands diluc a candid photograph of the two of them and tells him to stick it on his fridge.  

“something to remember you by?” diluc teases, resting his arms on dainsleif’s rolled down car windows. he tucks a tray strand of golden hair behind dainsleif’s ear.  

dainsleif scoffs before pressing a final lingering kiss to the inside of diluc’s wrist, right at his pulse point. “something to make him wildly jealous, hopefully.”  

1010  

perhaps foolishly, diluc had thought that if, no – when ajax would return, he would be the same ajax that had left.

diluc’s ajax, the one he was so intimately familiar with, from that snaggletooth he had and refused to get fixed, to every blemish and mark that would cover his skin. some were birthmarks, like the one shaped like a seashell on his lower back, others were scars from their childhood like the time he climbed a tree to get kaeya’s kite back, only to end up with a nasty cut on his elbow that had kaeya in tears the whole way to the clinic.  

the man that stands before diluc wear’s ajax’s face but is a lot taller than diluc remembers him being, and when he speaks, his teeth are straight and pearly white, and diluc realises that this is an ajax that has grown up, and grown into someone diluc no longer recognises.  

“diluc,” ajax says, a small smile on his lips. “i’m back.”  

diluc hasn’t heard ajax speak in almost a decade, and hearing it now, so familiar and so foreign, he nearly takes a step back and away from ajax.  

diluc’s breath catches in his throat. “ajax,” he forces out. “you’re here.”  

ajax is looking at him, and diluc nearly squirms underneath the intensity of his gaze, like he’s committing every part of diluc to memory. like he’s dawning upon the same realisation that diluc, too, has grown. that this is a version of diluc he has never touched, never known.  

“would you like to come in?” diluc tries, grasping at any means to prove to ajax that his sudden reappearance has not shifted his entire world by its axis. that it’s been seven fucking years, and so ajax no longer has that power over him.  

“i’d love to,” comes his answer, soft.  

he follows behind diluc through the set of double doors that lead into the farmhouse. diluc feels strangely self-conscious about the state of it – it's not messy by any means, but had diluc known, then he might have cleaned up a little better. they head further into the kitchen, where he stands by the dining table, fidgeting with his hands.  

it’s awkward. oh lord, never in any capacity would diluc have thought ajax would be in this very kitchen once again, and that it would be awkward.  

ajax doesn’t seem phased by the tension that’s settled between them, thick and stifling and instead seems very invested in scanning the interior, his shoulders relaxed. that is, until his eyes land on the refrigerator and a picture he’s never seen before.  

“who’s this?” he asks, and diluc already knows what he’s talking about.  

diluc glances at the picture with as much nonchalance as possible, and smiles, just faintly and very intentionally. “that’s dainsleif. he’s a photographer.” after a beat, he adds, “and a friend.”  

“a friend,” ajax echoes, wry.  

diluc supposes he can understand why ajax doesn’t seem to believe him. it’s an intimate sort of picture, enough that it raises questions about the nature of their relationship without being crass.

their faces are pressed close together, a carefree smile stretched on dainsleif’s lips while diluc mirrors with his own, private one. he feels smug all of a sudden, and thankful for dainsleif’s foresight.  

“did you make a lot of friends while i was gone?” ajax asks, tart. he’s still smiling, but the cruelty in his words hurts diluc. a lot more than what was intended, he presumes.  

“you were gone for a long time,” diluc answers quietly, “of course i did.”  

clearly ajax did not expect his passive-aggressiveness to be met with vulnerability, and he must still possess the slightest bit of goodness because his features soften.

“i’m sorry,” says ajax, once again – or was it the first time? diluc can’t seem to remember. he does sound sorry, and maybe that’s what irks diluc the most.  

“don’t be sorry, it’s not like you did anything wrong. you were just chasing your dreams, why would you apologise for that?”  

ajax sighs. “you know what the apology is for, diluc. why do you-”  

“you never called,” diluc interrupts. “you never sent an email, or a text. the one time you came back here, you didn’t even ask about me. it was radio silence on your end for the last seven years. what was i supposed to think? i’ve been left in the dark for so long, ajax. you didn’t even reply to a single one of my letters.” his voice cracks at the very end, and diluc tries very hard not to cry.  

ajax’s brows pinch together. “what letters?”  

“what?”  

“what letters, diluc?” ajax asks sharply, the urgency in his tone unmistakeable.  

“the ones i wrote to you over the years. there had to be dozens, by now, that i sent to your family home. i got the address from your father,” diluc explains, feeling very tired of all of this.  

“i never received any letter,” ajax mutters, brows furrowed. “you wrote to me?” there’s a delicate quality to his voice, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.  

“i did,” diluc says, “i wrote to you on your birthday, and then on mine too. once or twice on our anniversary. i think after a while i stopped finding excuses and made-up occasions and just wrote to you when i felt like it.”  

“what did you write to me about?” ajax asks. when he sees diluc falter, he urges, “please tell me.”  

diluc worries his teeth over his bottom lip, avoiding the look of desperation in ajax’s eyes.

“lots of things.” his throat feels tight, his face feels hot. “mostly about how i’m doing, questions about how you were doing. how much i missed you, and whether you missed me too.”  

by now, ajax is staring at him with the same look he had given him the first time they had gone to the beach and diluc had asked if he enjoyed breaking his heart, asked him whether he’ll find comfort in knowing that diluc will spend the rest of his life getting over him. it’s a look that’s wracked with guilt, with disgust, with grief.  

“did you miss me?” diluc decides to ask him, since he never got his answer.  

up till now, they have yet to touch. there lies a sort of line that has yet to be crossed, like they’re waiting for the other person to make the mistake first. but diluc will admit that a part of him aches with the desire to pull ajax close to him, to remember what it’s like to be in each other’s arms once again.  

“every day,” answers ajax, stepping closer, his voice low. “there wasn’t one where you didn’t cross my mind.”  

“and have you moved on?” he implores, quieter, just so ajax can extinguish any growing hope if diluc has read him wrong. just so he doesn’t end up having to pick up the pieces yet again.  

“diluc,” ajax begins slowly, that same burning intensity back in his eyes, “there has never been, and never will be anyone else but you. not for me.”  

diluc’s breath hitches. “even after all this time?”  

ajax laughs, and it comes off as a broken sound. “do you even need to ask?”  

there’s a spike in diluc heartrate from hearing those words, from hearing everything he’s been dying to hear and so diluc throws his arms around him, and ajax catches him effortlessly, the warm hands at his waist pulling him impossibly close.

diluc can hear ajax’s heartbeat, the way it’s gone wild and erratic, the way he feels so real beneath his fingertips.  

ajax has grown much broader and taller, to the point where diluc has to tiptoe, just a little, to kiss ajax but he doesn’t mind crossing that distance, not when ajax is finally within his reach.  

as they pull apart, diluc finds ajax’s eyes glistening and when diluc cups his cheeks, he finds his own fingers trembling.

“are you going to cry?” diluc can’t help but ask.  

“i just might,” ajax admits, “i wasn’t sure if you would have me, still.”  

he continues, “it is true, i did come back, two times. both of which when you weren’t here, and i didn’t have it in me to go looking for you because i only wanted to show myself again when i had finally made something of myself. you know, so you could be proud, and think that our time apart was worth something.”  

ajax says it so earnestly that diluc doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he could have come back with nothing to his name and diluc would have him still, will have him no matter what.  

instead, he brushes his thumb across ajax’s cheek and murmurs, “i am proud of you. of course, i am.” 

that night, they watch the stars.  

it feels so nostalgic, to lie on the field of grass and gaze upon the sky – map out the constellations and count the stars through the gleam of ajax’s eyes – all the while diluc’s hand is intertwined with his just like it always had been, just like it always will be.  

“can i tell you a secret?” ajax asks, his voice kept soft.  

diluc turns his head until the blades of grass kiss his cheek. “always.”  

ajax leans in closer, a giddy smile spreading on his lips. “i carved our initials on the moon.”  

diluc blinks at him. “did you really?”  

“yes,” he promises, “i’d always wanted to do it, even before i was selected for the programme, and even though there’s no way of seeing it from way down here, it feels good to know it’s there, like some sort of private knowledge, just for the two of us. plus, if my commander found out, she would not be happy.”  

“you’re such a sap,” diluc teases, turning away from ajax to hide the stinging in his eyes and the pounding in his heart.  

ajax frowns. “i thought it was romantic.”  

he then pulls himself up until he’s hovering above diluc, eyes widening when he catches the expression on diluc’s face. “you’re crying,” ajax gasps, wiping away the tears welling up in his eyes.  

“shut up,” diluc tells him, flicking at his hand. “you wrote our names on the moon, of course, i’m crying.”  

ajax presses a kiss to his cheek, then to the other side, one atop of each of his eyelids and then on his nose, peppering them all over his face all the while diluc squirms underneath his touch, ignoring diluc’s weak protests.

“what was that for?” he asks when ajax finally pulls away, a twinkle in his eyes.  

“marry me,” ajax says instead.  

yes, his heart answers, his pulse growing erratic at the thought of marrying ajax, his mind already jumping to visions of a shared future, a house that never has to be empty again but diluc, diluc who isn’t thirteen, or eighteen, or even twenty-one anymore answers, “most people tend to take me out on a date first.”  

and ajax does.  

they visit the apple orchard and return to the ranch with an armful of jams, and the woman that greets them there is the same one from nine years ago, her hair now sporting wisps of silver, her bicycle now painted a brilliant blue. she hands them an extra jar, on the house, and smiles when she sees their interlocked hands.  

they drive to the city where ajax meets all of diluc’s friends and is thoroughly given the shovel-talk, perhaps a decade too late, but takes it all like a champ. mona insists on giving them both a palm reading which is where ajax gets to meet the delight that is kunikuzushi.  

“fuck off,” he says, the moment he sees ajax, “you’re that one friend of lumine’s.”  

ajax’s eyes widen, as does his smile. “you know lumine?”  

“unfortunately,” kunikuzushi drawls. “so what’s your whole deal? you’re like, an astronaut?”  

ajax laughs, amused, and diluc meets mona’s eye across the table where they exchange a small smile. if mona’s prickly boyfriend likes ajax enough to hold a conversation with him, diluc supposes that’s all the initiation he needs.  

their last stop in the city is a townhouse downtown and diluc rings the doorbell, stepping back into place beside ajax, fingers twitching with nerves. ajax notices and gives his hand a gentle squeeze.  

the door opens and it’s a face diluc has never seen.  

mauve eyes stare back at him and the woman’s gaze is blank and uninterested as she offers them the driest, yes? known to man. burgundy bangs frame her face, the contrast highlighting her pale complexion.  

“is kaeya ragnvindr here?” diluc asks, tentative. “i’m his brother.”  

the woman’s brow arches before a smile stretches across her lips, cold. “kaeya alberich?” she casually corrects, “yeah, he’s in.”  

she steps away from the door for a moment long enough for ajax’s gaze to lock with his own. alberich? ajax mouths, his brows pinched together and diluc doesn’t answer him, the sinking pit in his gut deepening tenfold.  

“who is it, rosie?” diluc hears muffled through the door before it opens once again and kaeya stills, gaze landing on ajax.  

“hi, kae,” ajax offers, gentle.  

the first thing diluc notices is how he’s cut his hair short, shorter than it had ever been. they’d both grown it long when they were little just so they could match their father.  

kaeya doesn’t say anything in response and diluc wonders if he’ll slam the door shut in their faces, if he’ll ask where diluc got his new address, just to watch the way diluc’s heart will break in admitting that he had to get it from a distant mutual friend. he half expects it, maybe it’s the reason why he’s here – because he can’t find it within himself to tell ajax what has happened between them, and so he’s putting it on kaeya to show it instead.  

“you came back,” kaeya says to ajax, after a beat. “i never thought you would. was the endless stream of galaxies not good enough for you?”  

“kaeya,” diluc warns, “please don’t.”  

“it’s alright, luc,” ajax placates, his smile turning strained. “i think i’d like to talk to kaeya for a bit. catch up a little.”  

diluc loiters along the street, back turned to where kaeya and ajax are by the entrance. he never wants to choose between the two of them, but when ajax returns to him, lips pressed to a thin line and kaeya already having gone back inside, diluc fears that kaeya might have already made the choice for him.  

that winter, ajax takes him to snezhnaya, to the place he’s been calling home and diluc gets to meet ajax's mother and stepfather, not to mention his myriad of siblings and half-siblings.

ajax’s second youngest brother, anthon, especially takes a liking to diluc, pulling him along by the hand and excitedly showing him around their large family home. all the while, ajax watches the pair, that fond glimmer never leaving his eyes.  

there are pictures of ajax littered all over the walls, from portraits hung up in the living room to smaller photos set on the mantlepiece and diluc takes his time looking through them all, catching glimpses of ajax’s life he’s missed out on through his many, many achievements.  

“you look very handsome in uniform,” diluc remarks. it’s a framed photograph of ajax in his space suit, helmet in hand, flashing a brilliant smile.  

ajax peers closer to him. “do i?” he murmurs, and diluc privately thinks that ajax looks best in person, with his sunkissed skin and tawny brown hair that curls around his face in a way that makes diluc want to kiss him silly.  

he has half the mind to kiss ajax now, but halts abruptly in his attempt to when anthon blanches at the sight, crying out, “ew, ajax is flirting with his boyfriend again!”  

they are a total of seven siblings altogether, and diluc learns all their names when they’re all seated by the fireplace – teucer, anthon, tonia, alexei, sasha and nikita. he’s bombarded with hundreds of questions by the little ones, while the older ones tease ajax about how much he’s talked their ears off about diluc.  

diluc still can’t believe it, that ajax had been yearning for him all the while, just the same, but watching the knowing looks sasha sends ajax when she thinks diluc isn’t looking and the resultant flush on the apples of ajax’s cheeks, he realises it must be true, and what a lovely feeling it was.  

“when are you going to marry big brother?” teucer asks diluc innocently, letting out a whine when tonia smacks his shoulder and hisses, you can’t just ask that!   

when he deems the rest of the family to be sufficiently distracted, diluc cups a hand around teucer’s ear and whispers, “soon.”  

teucer pulls away from him, blue eyes wide with anticipation. “i knew it!”  

“knew what?” ajax asks them, settling down beside diluc and leaning into his space.  

“that big brother diluc–” diluc places a hand over teucer’s mouth, ignoring his muffled protests and finishes his sentence, “wants to go and build snowmen outside.”  

teucer perks up at the mention of playing in the snow, effectively forgetting all the prior conversation in favour of pulling both ajax and diluc outside with him. diluc, who has always had a soft spot for gingers with crooked grins, agrees easily and ajax follows along but only after ensuring both teucer and diluc are appropriately dressed for the biting cold.  

“you’re such a mother hen,” diluc says, with teucer grumbling in agreement, practically engulfed in scarves.  

ajax rolls his eyes at the pair.  

they build a giant snowman which teucer names mr. cyclops. ajax wraps his scarf around mr. cyclops, just so he doesn’t get cold, and diluc’s eyes soften at the sight before widening comically when ajax is smacked in the face by a snowball.  

the culprit is none other than alexei who lets out a snicker before fleeing, ajax hot on his heels, and from there, a war breaks out. by the time the rest of the family have joined in, there’s a cacophony of squealing and shouting, and diluc manages to escape, dry and unscathed by hiding behind a large pine tree.  

he’s startled when a hand grabs at his arm, but relaxes when he realises it’s just ajax. “you scared me,” diluc complains, worming out of his boyfriend’s hold, “i was just about to get nikita.”  

“forget nikita,” ajax grumbles, “it’s me you should be paying attention to.”  

diluc snorts. “i always pay attention to you.”  

“keep it that way, then,” ajax says, before tugging at diluc’s arm. “come on, let’s get out of here before anyone else notices.”  

“you want to be alone with me that badly?” diluc asks, grinning.  

ajax stops in his track and sends him a disbelieving look. “look at yourself,” he says, voice low enough to send a shiver down diluc’s spine. “of course, i do.”  

the last place ajax takes him to is in morepesok, a sleepy fishing village in rural snezhnaya, and it’s his grandmother’s home. she greets them at the door with a kitten nestled in her arms, and when diluc steps inside he finds five more cats lounging about on the sofa.

diluc had never met either of his grandparents, but he imagines ajax’s to be the kind that his might have been – warm and inviting, like an extension of the family he already had.  

ajax speaks to his grandmother in a tongue diluc can’t recognise, and he assumes it must be a local dialect. giving grandmother and grandson a moment to their own, diluc ventures further into the house, eyes glinting at all the relics of the past – photos and children’s drawings and pinned up tickets to the cinema, and wonders what other memories this house preserves like old wine.  

ajax finds him in the guest bedroom, and he’s holding a thick bundle of letters and once he comes close enough, diluc’s lips part open in recognition.  

“my letters?”  

ajax’s eyes glint with mischief. “i figured if you got the address from pa and it didn’t reach zapolyarny, it must’ve wound up here.”  

ajax begins untying the bundle, and diluc rushes to stop him, blurting out, “there’s really no need to read them, ajax. it’s all very embarrassing.”  

ajax takes diluc’s hand that’s hovering over the letters and presses a delicate kiss there. “you handwrote all of these just for me. if you wouldn’t stop me, i’d tattoo each and every word on my skin.”  

ajax spends the rest of the evening reading through the letters on the old sofa, abnormally quiet. diluc doesn’t disturb him, lying on the guest bed with one of the cats – lev, the old tabby curled in his lap and about a thousand things running in his mind.  

he hears the door to the guest bedroom open and gets up as a result, earning a petulant yelp from lev.

“sorry,” diluc murmurs quietly to lev, before he addresses ajax, “ready for bed?”  

ajax lets out a hum, non-committal before climbing in, wrapping his arms around diluc’s waist and hooking his chin over diluc’s shoulder. lev gets up from where he was laying and makes himself comfortable in the dip in the duvet where diluc’s and ajax’s legs tangle together.  

“what’s wrong?” diluc gently probes when ajax doesn’t say a word.  

ajax sighs and tightens his hold on diluc. “you must have been so sad, luc, and i had no idea. no wonder kaeya can’t stand me.”  

“it’s not like that,” diluc amends, “a lot of the letters were written when i was in a bad place, and past a certain point, i stopped believing you’d ever read them so i just wrote whatever.” diluc shifts in ajax’s arms until they’re facing one another and continues, “i got what i wanted in the end, didn’t i? you’re finally here.”  

“and you’re happy?” his gaze is searching.  

diluc nods. “very.”  

“i’m never letting you go then,” ajax decides, “you’re stuck with me forever.”  

feeling exceptionally fond, diluc mumbles, “in that case, you should ask me again.”  

“ask you what?”  

diluc lets out an amused huff. “ask me to marry you again.”  

he hears ajax’s sharp inhale, feels the way his body tenses. “will you?” he asks, equal parts hopeful and heistant.  

“yes.”  

with his answer comes the shaky exhale, the relaxing of muscles and a chaste kiss left on his temple before ajax gets up. diluc doesn’t ask him where he’s going, quietly studying the way the light from outside frames his silhouette, casting a gentle glow on his skin.

there’s a bit of ruffling, from where ajax is rummaging through their luggage and then he’s sinking back into the sheets, lips twitching with the urge to smile.  

“give me your hand,” ajax coaxes, finding his ring finger and sliding the ring in.  

diluc examines the ring with bated breath, before turning to ajax who’s already looking back him. “you brought this here with you?” he asks, voice coming off oddly thick, fingers grazing over the golden band.  

“i bring it everywhere,” ajax confesses, “just in case.”  

“you should marry me too,” diluc blurts out, delirious. 

ajax giggles. “with what ring?”  

diluc ends up resizing his grandfather’s wedding band, the same one his father used to wear. it’s silver, and doesn’t match diluc’s own, but ajax loves it.

their bands glint silver and golden when it catches the sun, and diluc catches the way ajax’s eyes linger on them, the way they shine as well, if not brighter.  

1111  

the day diluc gets married, he’s torn away from his reflection in the mirror by a series of raps coming from the window. opening them, he gapes when he finds his fiancé staring back at him, his grin crooked and undeniably charming.    

“what are you doing here?” diluc demands, incredulous, stepping aside to let ajax in.  

“i wanted to see you,” ajax admits, before curling a hand over the slope of diluc’s cheek. “you look as handsome as ever.”  

“flatterer,” diluc scoffs, his traitorous heart skipping a beat. “isn’t it bad luck for us to see one another before the ceremony?”  

ajax holds out his pinky finger. “i won’t tell if you don’t.”  

“you should leave before anyone catches us.” then, diluc hooks his own with ajax’s and whispers, “i wanted to see you, too.”  

the day diluc gets married, he watches ajax walk down the aisle with his mother holding his arm and he thinks he couldn’t have asked for more. for once, ajax’s hair is neatly gelled and combed down, tan suit crisp and formal and diluc almost doesn’t recognise the man he's about to marry until he’s standing before diluc at the alter, biting back a grin.  

“hi,” ajax says, quiet enough that only diluc manages to hear it.  

diluc can’t help but smile. “hi,” he replies, just as soft.  

the day diluc gets married, lisa is the one to deliver the speech as his best man, or rather, best woman. by the end of it, diluc is both mortified and exceptionally touched by his best friend’s retelling of the time diluc nearly eloped with ajax after a night of one too many drinks.

nikita and alexei follow after, sharing the title of ajax’s best man. they were lucky teucer was only seven at the time or else they would’ve had to split the title three ways.  

the day diluc gets married, they dance to a pop song he doesn’t know the name to.  

“you picked this?” diluc laughs out at the first sound of bright vocals and loud synths.  

“it’s catchy,” ajax says defensively, “and it reminds me of you.”  

and well, what was he meant to say to that?  

the day diluc gets married, the seat reserved for one kaeya alberich remains empty. diluc can't help but glance at it every now and then, throughout the event, wishing that by some miracle, the next time his eyes would land on the table reserved for his closest of friends, he’d see his brother smiling right back at him.  

the day diluc gets married, he falls asleep in his husband’s arms, and he dreams of a wedding. he dreams of a wedding where he sneaks off to see his groom before the ceremony, where he marries the love of his life, where they dance to the kind of music he’d never listen to just because his husband wants to, where his best friend and his brother fight and argue over who gets to be the best man and in the end, they share the speech.  

the day after diluc gets married, he gets a text from kaeya. congrats on the wedding, it reads, sorry i couldn’t make it.