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Her good night's sleep is interrupted by Orel barging into her room to excitedly declare it's time to go to church, as he usually does on Sundays. Bloberta has to roll her eyes before getting up to shower and get ready. She foolishly believed her son's impromptu visit to his grandpa in Sinville yesterday would have worn him out enough that he wouldn't do this.
But nothing gets in the way of Orel's enthusiasm to go to church. Bloberta can't find it in herself to even attempt to look forward to it, church has been nothing but a room full of judgemental stares since the divorce. She's lucky if she can make it through one service without anyone commenting on her marital failure.
Clay has been sleeping on the couch for the past few days, leading her to believe he either got tired of sleeping in the same room as the woman who divorced him or she was right about her latest encounter with Roger waking up her ex-husband. She should feel smug about it but it makes her embarrassed, as much as she knows she's well within her rights.
Of course she doesn't owe Clay anything. They're divorced by her own choice and if people think she's a loose woman for messing around with an equally divorced man, it's their problem. That's what she'd like to say, of course, but there's a part of her that can't bear to think of what people must be saying about her.
Usually she can push that thought away and focus on what she's gaining from all this. Roger is an attentive man and it's been years since Bloberta felt actually desired. It's far too easy to get caught up on how nice it feels to have his attention on her, to get nice gifts and to be seen as more than just "the missus". In other words, to finally be seen as a woman.
She can't claim her husband lost interest in her body after childbirth because it she's being fully honest, and she is, at least to herself, he's never had that much interest to begin with. It wasn't having Orel that made Clay less inclined to look at her with any amount of lust, no, life itself had a way of making their relationship sexless from the start.
Bloberta wishes she could say it didn't make a difference in her life but after so long being told she needs to find a man, she needs to be noticed by a man, she needs to be desirable, it's hard to live on a world where other men see you as another's man's possession and said man sees you as a nuisance at best. It's like failing at being a woman.
But as thrilling as it is to finally be courted again, she can't help but feel like most of her excitement about her developing relationship with Roger comes from simply getting the attention she feels she's been lacking in her life. Not to mention the satisfaction of knowing how much it bothers Clay, even if he tries to hide it as much as he can.
She may not hate him anymore, what's even the purpose of hating him at this point, but she does enjoy seeing him suffer. Which is why she ignores the part of her that's slightly ashamed of the possibility of Clay having heard what happened the other night, there's no reason why she should think the rage in his eyes comes from anything other than his usual resentment towards her.
The thing is, the more she thinks about it the more it seems Roger isn't doing what she hoped he would when she started this. Sure, getting jewelry is nice, getting new shoes and dresses and other fancy things makes her feel pampered in a way she hasn't experienced before but that's just it. In the end, it does nothing to distract her from how pointless it all is.
Maybe it's the fact that since that first night, when she hasn't felt the touch of another person in years and anything could have done it for her, he hasn't managed to make her finish again. She should have known he wouldn't be so good at this part but it's still slightly disappointing, she hasn't had any good sex in so long.
To finally have it again only to discover it was only good because it's been so long her body essentially worked with whatever it was given, well, that's just unfair. It breaks the illusion that she finally has something good, something that can actually make her happy in the long run. Doesn't she deserve something good, after years of... Clay?
She's only half listening to what Reverend Putty is saying in his sermon today, knowing Orel will soon be giving her an endless summary when they leave and he starts going on and on about what was said like he often does. Her distracted mind registers what the reverend says about life's most intense pleasures being the devil's doing.
Excessive drinking, gambling, Bloberta laughs, unable to hide her judgement as she turns to look at her oblivious ex-husband.
"Self pleasure? Devil."
She frowns, lowering her head in shame as she wonders if that comment was pointed at her directly. Self pleasure is the devil's work? Wonderful. Can't a woman have one thing in this life after so many years of arduous dedication to a doomed marriage to a doomed man? She's willing to bet the reverend doesn't take his own advice.
And still he goes on and on, almost never stopping even when half the church is half asleep and the other half is only halfheartedly lending him an ear. Bloberta sits with a bored expression on her face, righteous indignation making her barely manage to hide her glare at the reverend as he talks about what else is the devil in disguise.
Frankly, they might as well do nothing with their lives if that's how it is. Can anything bring them any joy and not be considered a path to eternal damnation? She knows she hasn't been very faithful to the lord's commandments, spent too many nights pleasing herself when her husband wouldn't, made no attempts to honor her mother, etcetera.
But she finds it hard to accept the idea that anything pleasing has to be somehow associated with the devil. And if that really is the case, she wonders if a life of following God's path and doing everything the way you should is even worth living. If it is, that means the paradise is an absolute wonderland of God-approved pleasures and ecstasy.
On the way home, Orel decides that he hasn't been difficult enough and talks over Shapey's screaming so Bloberta and Clay can hear his incessant questions.
"So does that mean I can't do anything I enjoy? Is it just the devil trying to trick me into sinning?"
Clay makes a point to ignore Orel for a moment, like he thinks doing so will make her take his place and teach him things. Like it's her job. Bloberta says nothing, keeps her eyes on the road as her ex-husband avoids his responsibility for as long as he can. When they hear Orel open his mouth to speak again, they both sigh in unison.
"You're too young to be worrying about things like that, Orel," Clay brushes him off. "No point in trying to force yourself to stop enjoying the things you like, that's like trying to speed up the process of getting older."
"That's right," Bloberta chimes in, only to have a rebuttal if Clay ever tells her she never helps with their oldest son.
She doesn't elaborate on it, leaving that to him as usual when it comes to Orel. The fact that she can clearly tell it bothers Clay makes it even easier for her to do so.
"You see, son, once you get older and have more responsibilities, you'll naturally grow out of seeing the bright side of life and... enjoying things."
They have a short moment of pure, blissful silence but Orel is quick to change that. Briefly, Bloberta wonders where he got that from. She was never a blabbermouth, not even as a child. Her mother would have smacked that behavior out of her. She silently attributes this to Clay, though she never knew him to be a chatterbox either.
"But what about those other things Reverend Putty said?" Orel asks and starts to list some of them. "Drinking, smoking, gambling, swearing, taking the lord's name in vain, eating too much, buying useless things, having gay sex-"
"What?" Clay chokes out.
"Ignoring your responsibilities, lying to get off of work earlier, self pleasure-"
"You don't have to list all of them, Orel," Bloberta says, knowing they'll be there all day if he does.
"How do I avoid doing all of those?"
Bloberta wishes she had an answer to that. Her ex-husband's silence tells her he doesn't have one either and for the rest of the way home, they don't say or do anything as Orel patiently waits for a response. The moment they get home, she busies herself with house chores and making lunch and Clay locks himself in his study, both avoiding their son.
Even so, the dishes aren't enough to distract her from Reverend Putty's words as she thinks about all those times she sought self pleasure in the middle of the night. She even had to do it after she had Roger over, as much as he tried he didn't manage to get her even close to finishing. Once again, she had to take matters into her own hands.
You want something done right, do it yourself, she thinks as she washes the plates. She's interrupted by Shapey, his tiny hands grabbing her chest and making her turn away from him. His immediate response is the same as usual, he starts screaming and throwing a tantrum. Weirdly enough, looking at him reminds her of the last time she went out of her way to get self pleasure from a human source.
"Drink!" Shapey screams and in the back of her mind, she hears a deep voice laughing.
To this day, Danielle remains the only man she layed with that actually seemed to know what he was doing. When Roger made her come, he did it entirely by accident. Danielle, on the other hand, moved like he knew exactly what he was doing. She tries to think back to how it felt to be held by him, tries to remember how it felt to have him inside her.
By now, the memory has vanished. All she was left with is Shapey, a visual reminder of her own shame. Not for having cheated on her husband, that's hardly something she feels guilty for. For thinking that could have helped things. In a way, she does regret what she did. Not for the right reasons but she does regret it.
She doesn't think she even liked Danielle so to think she let him take her so easily? It makes her feel like a true sinner. Some easy whore he had no problem discarding once he was finished. But when she thinks about it, she's suddenly angry at the thought. Not the thought of being used and discarded, no, the thought of being so deeply ashamed.
Men cheat on their wives every day. They do it all the time and they have the most convenient excuse for it. Men have needs, people always say and it drives her insane to think about it. Because it means she's not given the same luxury. It means there's something wrong with her for having needs as well, as a woman.
She knows it'd be easier to feel guiltless over this if she had been in love with Danielle Stopframe. Or maybe if she ever had a crush on him. But she didn't. In a way, she used him just as much as he used her. Bloberta didn't have feelings for the man, she had an itch she wanted him to scratch for her. Once that was done, they were done.
So why should she feel like a whore for something most men feel entitled to?
She shouldn't, that's what Bloberta came to realize. People will always judge her and talk about her behind her back, they'll always claim she wasn't enough to satisfy Clay or that maybe he cheated on her and if he did, why on earth would she divorce him and hold it against him when it's just natural. Boys will be boys, men have needs.
Well, he didn't cheat. Not as far as she's aware. She did. Because Bloberta has needs too, she's not a man but she can still have those urges. Having to endure what they say about her is not as bad as she expected it to be. For years the only thing stopping her from getting a divorce was knowing people would always blame her more than Clay.
Because women want marriage, women need marriage to be fulfilled and men are much happier when they don't marry. That's why she always tried so hard to make it seem like it was working, she couldn't stand to be seen as a failure. Bloberta had enough of being seen as nothing but a failure, her mother made sure to get her fed up with that.
So to divorce Clay meant admitting defeat for her. But now she finds that it really wasn't that deep. Living her life so other people wouldn't think of her as a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad person. What does any of it matter in the end? Bloberta will die one day. And when that day comes, nothing they say will really make much of a difference.
What will make a difference is how she felt. So she tells herself that there's no point in being ashamed of it. If being with Clay wasn't making her happy, why shouldn't she divorce him? Lord knows he's too much of a coward to do it himself. And if Roger can't satisfy her in bed, she doesn't see why she should be content with his mediocrity.
Self pleasure may be a sin, may have the devil's hand in it, may be a test from their Lord to see if she's more devoted to Him or to these earthly pleasures. But that's really all it is. A maybe. Because even if it is the devil, she'll never know. It will forever be an uncertainty, a theory Reverend Putty shared with them in his sermon.
Self pleasure may be sinful and wrong but she has no way of knowing that and living a mediocre, unfulfilling life is something she knows for sure will never bring her any enjoyment.
So Bloberta would much rather stick with living in possible sin because then at least she will be living for herself and not for others.
At least she won't be living in displeasure.