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“Never give up on a miracle,” Mulder says.
Scully parts her lips to respond and a small gasp escapes, barely audible. She reels, an overwhelming need for something, something more that she can’t describe, causing her to grab onto Mulder. She nearly kisses him, but stops herself. Her lips touch his neck instead of his mouth.
Mulder wraps his arms around Scully, first one and then the other, pulling her into him and against him. She melts into his warmth, sags in his comforting embrace, but only for a moment. Within seconds, she realizes she can’t accept it. She raises her hands between them and pushes against his chest, turning away from him.
“Don’t,” he says, catching her right hand with his right hand. Her arm is stretched back enough that her muscles are strained at the shoulder. He has never put a restraining hand on her like this and that alone stops her in her tracks.
Mulder relaxes his grip on Scully’s hand, but doesn’t let go. He takes a small step towards her, only enough so that there’s no pull on her arm. She pinches the bridge of her nose with her free hand, dropping her head. She doesn’t want to cry anymore, but she can’t help it.
“Tell me you know you’re not alone in this, Scully, and I’ll let you go.”
Scully isn’t quite sure how to respond to him. She stands silently, long enough that Mulder steps even closer and brings their joined hands across her waist. His arm presses against hers and in turn her arm presses against her abdomen. His chest is warm and solid against her back.
“You don’t believe in miracles, Mulder,” she whispers.
“Of course I do.” He reaches up and moves her hand away from her face, taking it in his own and crossing their arms over her chest. She feels completely enveloped, both by Mulder and herself. His cheek rests against the side of her head and he sways just a little. He opens his hands and then slides his fingers between hers.
“I’ve seen the impossible, Scully,” Mulder whispers, lips brushing against her temple as he speaks. “We both have. Wouldn’t you call that a miracle?”
“No.”
He presses a lingering kiss against to her hairline and drops his head so his cheek slides against hers. His nose comes down and he breathes her in and exhales against her neck. “Would it be the worst thing in the world, Scully?”
“Would what be?”
“Ending the pretense.”
“I don’t…Mulder, I don’t…”
“I know, Scully.” He lifts his head and rests his chin on her shoulder. He continues to sway, slowly rocking her back and forth. “But, you never asked me why I said yes. And I have to wonder why.”
“Mulder,” Scully whispers.
“What are we afraid of, really?”
Scully wants to answer that she’s afraid of everything. She stiffens and struggles and pushes her arms against his and he immediately releases her. He takes a step back and she takes a step forward. She inclines her head and tips her chin towards her shoulder just enough that she can see him from the corner of her eye. Her heart is pounding wildly.
“I just have to…” She doesn’t know what she has to do, but she has to get away from the tension. She feels hot. She can’t breathe. She has to breathe.
Scully moves quickly, making her way into her bedroom and shutting the door. Immediately, she starts removing her clothes. She changes into the most comfortable sweats and sweatshirt she can find in her dresser. As she does all this, she thinks of Mulder. She thinks of his arms wrapped around her and it’s so unnerving she has to think of something else or she feels her knees may give out on her.
Scully is not surprised that Mulder is still in her apartment when she finally leaves the sanctity of her bedroom. He has his back to her, standing in front of her fireplace, obviously contemplating the framed pictures that clutter the mantle. She watches him silently, asking herself the same question that made her flee from him embrace.
What are we afraid of, really?
With soft, quiet steps, Scully crosses the room and stands behind him. She doesn’t know if he hears her, or knows she’s there, but she thinks he might. He doesn’t turn and he doesn’t try to engage her in further conversation, he just waits and studies the photos. There is one of him there, amongst the photos of her parents, her brothers, Melissa, and her nephews. He’s belonged with the family photos for longer than she’d care to admit.
After some time, Scully places both hands on Mulder’s biceps and rests her cheek against the back of his shoulder. He jumps slightly and glances over his shoulder, arms growing stiff with surprise, but then relaxes again. She closes her eyes. She takes a deep breath. She tries to relax as much as possible.
“Why did you say yes?” Scully asks.
Mulder takes long, even breaths that Scully can feel against her cheek. Unconsciously, she rubs her nose against the softness of his sweater, waiting for an answer.
“After everything you’ve lost,” he says, “you deserve to be happy.”
“Mul-”
“Don’t.” Mulder cuts Scully off before she can even breathe half of his name. “Guilt wasn’t the reason.”
She waits for him to continue. In the silence that follows, she circles her thumbs over his elbows and turns her head to the other side to stare at the dim lamp casting shadows from the table in front of her bay windows. She’s grateful the blinds are closed, keeping prying eyes out.
“I thought about what an opportunity it would be,” he suddenly continues. “You could finally get away from all of this and start over. You could have a new life, the life you should have had until you got caught up in this mess.”
Scully swallows and presses her lips together to stop herself from protesting. She digs her fingers into his arms and ends up squeezing his sweater with tightly curled fists.
“But that wasn't...” Mulder pauses and turns his head a little, looking back at her from over his shoulder for a moment. “Selfishly, the thought of you leaving me made me want to say no.”
He straightens and stiffens just a little. His chin comes down, touches his chest, and his shoulders slump in such an oddly defeated way that it brings a sting of tears to Scully’s eyes. She rubs her hands down his arms from shoulder to elbow, several times.
“Sometimes I think it would kill me if you left,” he says, quietly. “Sometimes I think you should get as far away from me as possible. If I could give you…it was overwhelmingly appealing to think that if you should go, it would be with a piece of me. Forever.”
Scully gasps quietly as she sucks in a breath. She touches her forehead to the center of Mulder’s back and moves her hands down to his hips. She intends to step away from him then, but he takes her hands and brings them up to his chest. Her body is flush against his back. He kisses her knuckles, one hand at a time.
“But, that couldn’t be the reason,” Mulder says. “If I was going to do it, it couldn’t be about me, could it?”
“Of course it could,” Scully whispers.
Mulder squeezes Scully’s hands. “What it really comes down to is so simple, really. I love you, Scully. There isn’t any reason other than that. Anything I could possibly think of, it just all came back to that. I love you, and I want you to be happy.”
Scully presses her lips together and her chin quivers. She swallows and blinks several times in rapid succession. She doesn’t need him to tell her that he loves her, but hearing the words makes it absolutely real. She knows that it’s time to step up and give him something in return.
What are we afraid of, really?
Scully eases her hands from Mulder’s grip and slides around his side to face him. She wonders how he can look so calm, like he hasn’t admitted something that they’ve both kept locked away for years. Somehow, asking him to father a child wasn’t even half as nerve-wracking as what she is about to do. She stares at his chest, not quite ready to look him in the eye just yet.
“Mulder, I had no alternatives.”
“To what?”
“If you had said no, there was no other alternative. I had no back-up plan, no plan B. I wanted a baby…” she pauses, her mouth opening and closing several times, but no sound coming out. Mulder moves to hold her face and rubs the apple of her cheeks with his thumbs. She tries to smile a little, tries to lift her gaze, but fails.
“It wasn’t just that I wanted a baby,” she whispers, forcing her eyes to meet his. “It was you, or it was nothing at all. I wanted….your…I wanted it to be you.”
Mulder’s eyes roam Scully’s face and he purses his lips, giving a small shake of his head. “Why me?”
Unconsciously, Scully’s right eyebrow lifts on its own as her eyes grow wide. It’s an automatic response to alarm and she tries to keep the fear out of her face, but she knows that Mulder can read her better than anyone, sometimes even herself. She takes a single, calming breath and makes an effort to relax every muscle in her body. She needs to do this.
“I don’t think I can quite put into words the way that I love you,” she whispers.
Mulder caresses Scully’s cheek with one hand as he nods. “Words just don’t seem right, do they?”
Scully shakes her head and closes her eyes. She feels lighter somehow, not as sad as she did ten minutes ago. There is still a painful void that exists in her heart, but it doesn’t ache as much as it did when she walked through the door.
“Do you want to know what I saw?” Mulder asks.
“What you saw when?”
“When you asked me. When I thought about it. I saw you, smiling. I saw a little girl, red hair in pigtails, innocent blue eyes. Stubborn too. So adorably stubborn. She had the freckles you try to pretend you don’t have, but I’d never let her hide them. She had the most serious expression for a little girl, but I knew I could make her laugh.”
Scully smiles as best as she can with watery eyes. Mulder embraces her with one arm and she rests her head against his shoulder. He holds onto her hand still, kissing her wrist before holding it to his chest. She lifts her head up and leans back to look up at him after awhile.
“When I thought about it,” she says, “what I saw was a little boy, tall for his age, messy brown hair, too smart for his own good, the sweetest smile you’d ever see.”
“Not my nose, I hope.”
She closes her eyes with a short laugh. She nods before she opens them and then looks back up at Mulder. “I was never alone though, Mulder. Please understand that. And I never intended to be. Whenever I looked at the future, you were there.”
“Can’t get rid of me, huh?”
“Even if I wanted to.” She reaches up and wraps one hand around the back of his neck. “And let me be clear, Mulder. I don’t want to.”
Mulder sweeps his hand down along Scully’s back and pulls her closer. She lays her head, once again, against his chest. Her hand falls and she rubs her palm against the soft material of his sweater, just over his heart. He sways with her. Back and forth. Back and forth.
“I love you, Mulder, in case you didn’t know.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to need your help.”
“With what?”
“Making a miracle.” She lifts her head and touches his face with two fingers. “Maybe this time we try the old fashioned way.”
His lips quirk slightly. “Prayer?”
“Something like that.” She slides her fingers around his nape and pulls his mouth to hers.
The End