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“Come on, pick up.”
His hands were shaking.
“Please, pick up.”
He heard a loud noise.
Something fell onto the floor and he realized he didn’t put the quarter into the slot. He picked it up from the floor and focused this time.
His fingers glided through the right numbers mindlessly, a second nature by now. He remembered the FBI headquarters phone number better than his own sister’s.
Gideon didn’t answer his first call. He would try only one more time. He knew he couldn’t muster up enough energy to call him for the third.
It was surprisingly cold outside for that time of the year. The wind was pushing the trees back and forth aggressively, while they tried their best to stand up. A dangerous game. One harder blow and it would rip out more than one of them.
A true climate wonder of a late April night.
Rain was pounding heavily against the telephone booth. It was past midnight already, it took him hours to get here, he better answer-
“Jason Gideon speaking, you’ve reached-”
“It’s me.”
“David? Is it over? Can I come and see him?”
And even though he didn’t think it was possible for him to cry anymore, the tears came out with an unbelievable force, quickly flooding his whole face. He hasn’t cried this hard in years. He has tried to keep it inside before, in the hospital, but now hearing his friend’s excitement… Something inside him broke.
“He didn’t make it.”
He was gripping the phone so hard he thought it might bend. His hands hurt, but pain was good, it grounded him, reminded him where he was. Reminded him not to lose it completely.
“I’ll be there in 30. Don’t move anywhere.”
It was getting hard for him to breathe.
“I can’t,” He wiped his face, ‘you can’t leave her alone, get a grip on yourself’, “I have to go to Carol.”
Carolyn, his lovely, sweet Carolyn. He would have given anything, everything, to save her from this, from this horrible feeling, this horrible reality. The reality where their son- Where their James, their child was not in.
“Where is she?”
He barely heard the question, whether that was because of the goddamn rain, or because of the deafening pressure in his ears, he didn’t know.
“In 205.”
“How is she?”
“Asleep.”
“Okay, wait there for me.”
He hung up.
The way back to the hospital was a blur - he barely blinked and suddenly he was standing next to her bed.
Carol was still asleep when Jason arrived. They had given her a horse’s dose of painkillers and what he assumed was anxiety medication. They offered him something too, but he refused.
Someone had to be conscious when her family came here. They were probably on their way from the airport by now. He wasn’t sure if they were stopping by a hotel before getting here or not, so it was better he stayed up and waited.
He leaned on her bed and held her hand.
Just a second ago she was crying and screaming in pain.
Now, she was so quiet. So calm.
He wondered if she had any dreams and if they were peaceful and gave her time to rest. He hoped they did.
Gideon walked in quietly. Rossi probably wouldn’t have noticed him for a while, had it not been for the firm hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, let’s talk outside?”
The corridor was empty. Most patients were asleep. Nurses walked past and checked on things every once in a while, but for now, they were alone.
“What happened?”
He looked down at his shoes. They were dirty and dripping wet. He hasn’t noticed that before.
“They’re not sure. His heart stopped beating right after the birth. There was nothing they could do.”
Now, when he looked around, he also noticed a trail of muddy steps he left on the gray floor.
“How are you feeling?”
It was tile though. Should be easy to clean.
“What do you think?”
His jacket was soaked through and sitting heavy on his shoulders. He’ll probably get sick and have to take a few days off… He would have anyway, for the funeral-
The jacket. The jacket was a gift from Carolyn’s brother. He said, since he married her he’s a part of the family now. Last week, he gave them a little blue bodysuit, with a name sawed onto it. I was pretty. Really pretty. What a shame they won’t use it-
“I think you’re in pain… And I think you feel guilty. You shouldn’t.”
He shook his head, “You promised not to do that.”
He really didn’t want to play mind games with Gideon.
“You asked me to.”
“I don’t think I did.”
Jason touched his shoulder.
“Dave. You’re not responsible for this.”
He looked away.
“I’m serious. It’s not your fault.”
“How can it not be?”
“Things like this happen.”
Logically, he knew that to be true. Sometimes science failed and people died, kids too, but logic didn’t matter. Logic didn’t wipe out the pain. It didn’t bring back his son.
“I wanted this more than she did.”
“That’s not true. She wanted this as much as you did. You didn’t pressure her to do anything.”
“We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me.”
“You can’t bear responsibility for every bad thing that happens or you’ll go crazy.”
“I prayed.”
“Oh, David…”
“I prayed every single night that she’ll carry to term this time, that nothing happens to either of them and look what happened.”
“I don’t think that’s related.”
“How can it not be? Don’t you think He listens to us? Don’t you trust your God?”
He was raising his voice, his words bouncing off the wall with increasing loudness. He’d speak once more, and someone might wake up. An angry mother, or worse, a child.
“I do.”
“And didn’t you say everything happens for a reason?”
“I did.”
Gideon was watching him closely. There was something in his eyes that David couldn’t decipher. Not pity, but close to it. Something akin to understanding, but he didn’t. He didn’t know how this felt.
“What then? What could possibly be the reason for this? What did I do wrong?”
“I don’t think you did anything wrong.”
“Then why? Why does this keep on happening?”
“I don’t think I can give you that answer.”
“Of course you can’t. I just hope someone could.”
A baby started crying a few rooms away from them. A nurse sprinted through the corridor to get them, her flats rhythmically hitting the floor.
David shuddered at the sound.
“I do trust God. I just don’t want you to use Him and His choices as a means to torture yourself.”
“I just want to understand.”
“I don’t think we’re supposed to understand everything.”
Outside it stopped raining, and the sky brightened a bit. There wasn’t a clock in sight, and David wondered what time it was. Could it be morning already? No, it couldn’t be. Not that much time has passed, although it felt like ages.
“I think you should get some sleep.”
“Her parents…”
“I’ll wake you up when they’re here. Or when Carol wakes up.”
On second thought, he could use some sleep.
“Okay.”
He looked around, but all he saw were these plastic chairs, the same ones him and Jason were sitting on now.
“You can lean on me. I don’t mind.”
“Jason…”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
He closed his eyes for the first time in hours.
For the whole day, he was standing right next to Carolyn’s bed, holding her hand and calming her down, all while gritting his teeth, because her grip was this strong. He hoped it helped her, took some of the pain away, but the reality was, it probably didn’t.
He brushed through her hair. He tried not to flinch when she screamed louder than before.
He held his baby in his hands and hugged him to his chest.
He rushed to the phone, through the rain, even though he was barely standing up straight.
The worst was yet to come, but he was so tired already, he wished for nothing else than to turn the world off for just a few moments.
When Jason woke him up, hours later, he realized he hadn’t dreamt at all.
***
It has been six years since his comeback to the FBI and really, David Rossi should be ashamed of how little he’d opened up to the team.
They spend practically all the time together and he knew almost everything there was to know about them. Emily told him about her rocky relationship with her mom, and about her incredibly low self-esteem as a teen. He knew all about Spencer’s childhood, JJ talked about her sister and how hard it was to grow up without her. Hell, even Derek, after an especially sickening case involving children, told him about Buford, albeit a bit vaguely, but he didn’t expect much more.
Not much time has passed since Emily left and Alex took her place, so she was still somewhat of a mystery to him, at least her personal life was. He took a liking to her from the start.
Aaron, of course, was a different case. David shared a lot with him, and what he didn’t outright say, Aaron figured out himself. He knew about all his marriages, he knew about Vietnam and he knew about James.
The team didn’t.
He was fine with his reputation being that of a ‘serial monogamist’. Although his last relationship was rather unconventional, he did love all the women he married and saw nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate that love with his family at a pretty location with extravagant food and decorations.
Actually, he found the whole marriage ritual, starting from a proposal, to be quite romantic. The end, that is the divorce part, not so much.
There was also something incredibly thrilling and special about wedding night sex, but that was far from being the only reason for getting married, no matter how amazing it was.
He understood that from an outside perspective, the fact he was married three times might seem like a laughing matter and he didn’t begrudge the team for making jokes about it. They were usually funny and if not, then at least they were clever, so he couldn’t be mad.
They never asked why he was married so much, and he never brought it up himself. No harm no foul.
They didn’t know that if it were up to him, he’d be married to one person his whole life, and live a long, happy life together. Instead, he lived alone, in a huge house and never had children, but was rich enough he could, if he wanted to, marry a younger woman and change that quickly. Since he hadn’t, he just must not have been a family guy.
There was no point in telling them about his failed attempts at achieving ‘the real thing’, because the truth was, that dream he had was made unreachable a long time ago and he didn’t like talking about his failures.
And so he lived in peace, alone, having given up on trying to create a stable romantic relationship, instead settling on meaningless flings if on anything at all - he was getting older and way too tired for this sort of thing.
He would have kept it that way, had it not been for that one goddamn case.
They were in Atlanta, investigating a series of kidnappings. A gruesome affair. Young brunettes disappeared for a week and then turned up mutilated a week later. The victims got progressively younger with each one, and as they did, the torture got more and more violent.
They were lost. Many elements clearly pointed to a work of two people, but others contradicted that theory completely. They were just waiting for the next body.
On their fifth day of nonstop work, they were exhausted mentally and physically. David barely slept and drank so much coffee, he was sure he’d get sick soon. It wasn’t even good coffee, it tasted like watered-down mud and even after following Reid’s lead and adding a frankly, unholy amount of sugar, it still tasted like a puddle.
Suffice to say, David was praying for a lead.
He was sitting at the station drinking his third cup of too sweet crap and staring at the phone on the other side of the room, as if his scrutinizing gaze alone would have enough power to create a witness and make them call right at that very minute.
Nothing happened of course, and as the clock right above him was ticking, he was constantly reminded that it was getting later with every moment and he had done absolutely nothing today.
Spencer was sitting in front of him, head down in some papers. Rossi didn’t see a point in him re-reading them, since he knew them by heart already, but Reid persisted, so he let him read in peace.
The door to their small room opened with such force it hit the wall, and Reid’s head shot up abruptly and only then Rossi noticed that the kid was fully asleep just a second ago.
Well, not anymore, he thought, and turned his head slowly toward the noise.
“We found a body.”
“That’s quick.” He said.
Monica Warner, their latest victim, was just seventeen years old and went missing on Monday, which was only four days ago.
The unsub/s were devolving, keeping her for a shorter amount of time, maybe this time they’d made a mistake.
“It’s not Monica.”
Well, there went his hope of spending the weekend at home.
“Do we know who that is?” Spencer asked.
“Yes, she matches the description of Laura Riley, who went missing in the next town over.”
David sighed, “That’s unusual. They never took doubles. Are you sure that she is our victim?”
“Sadly, I am. Agent Hotchner and Agent Jareau are heading there now. Somebody has to talk to her family.” He paused, “Agent Rossi, she was only fifteen.”
David got out of his seat.
“I’ll do it.”
Spencer nodded, “I’ll stay and work on the geographical profile.”
“You do that. Call Garcia. I need an address.”
***
Laura lived with her older sister, Cristina and her husband Gregory at the outskirts of the town. The girls’ parents were abusive, so both kids were taken away from them and placed into foster care.
Tale as old as time - the older one was too old for adoption and the younger one too attached to their older sibling, so no families even took them in. The moment Cristina turned eighteen she adopted her sister, and soon married. Their life was peaceful for over six years until now.
What surprised him was that it wasn’t her family who alerted the police of her disappearance, but a family friend. Said she was gone for a few days, but they didn’t call then. They couldn’t explain why. A bizarre tale, really. A missing teenager, especially a girl, especially now, was no joke.
Alas Rossi was happy he didn’t have to talk to them alone, since Morgan shared his frustration and the need for action - however tragic it may be - and decided to join him.
The house the Davis-Riley family lived in was small, with white paneling and neglected flower pots on the windowsills. A barking dog in the backyard. A singular red Nissan parked outside. A typical suburban picture, they were only missing a pool and screaming children and they’d match their neighbors perfectly.
Morgan rang the bell and they waited. A long minute passed, Dave saw him raise his hand, ready to start knocking instead, when the door opened.
The man standing in front of them looked unwell, which immediately worried David - he hoped it was the worry for a missing sister-in-law, unless their family life was different in reality than what it was on paper. Whichever, this man certainly did not give a good first impression.
“Gregory Davis?”
“Yes?”
David pulled out his badge. “FBI. Agent Rossi, this is Agent Morgan. Can we come in?”
“Right, right. Come in.”
The house was an old one, closed-space, but with a nice, typical for that region middle-class style. It was also messy. Not pathologically, more like cleaning was the family’s last concern lately.
Walls were full of family photos, maybe the distress was the worry for Laura after all?
“Please, sit down. Anything to drink?”
Neither of them sat down. Not like there was much place to, since both the sofa was covered in boxes and take-out almost to the brim. And with news like that it was better not to sit.
“No, thank you.”
“Is your wife home?”
Gregory looked around nervously, “What’s this about? She’s not feeling very well, I don’t want to wake her up.”
“Sit down sir.”
“Why? What happened?” He sounded panicked.
He sat down on an armchair that David only now noticed.
“It’s Laura. We found her body this morning.”
Gregory’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His hands were shaking.
Rossi caught Morgan’s glance. They both agreed Gregory’s behavior paired with his overall look and the state of his house made him look suspicious, but it was way too early to draw any conclusions. For now they would do what they normally did and see how this played out.
“Sir, we know this is a lot. When your ready-”
David was about to add that once he came out of that immediate shock, he would have to get his wife downstairs, and then they’d talk about the next steps, but he was interrupted.
“No… That can’t be. Laura’s fine.”
“Sir, we are very sorry-”
“No, you don’t understand. We send her to our friends while Chris is at the hospital, that’s where Laura is. They called us yesterday and said she was fine!”
“Yesterday morning they filed a police report. We thought you knew.”
Apparently the police department in the second town did not do a very good job. Maybe they didn’t take teen disappearances seriously - most didn’t - and since the murders were happening somewhere else she must be fine.
He looked up at them with glossy eyes, “Are you sure it’s Laura?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“How…? I’ve heard on the news, was she also-?”
“Yes, she was murdered.”
He broke down in tears.
The shock, the denial, the burst of sadness wasn’t something easily faked - it was not their unsub. It was just a very, very distressed man.
There wasn’t much they could do. Some people just needed to cry. Though, watching someone’s life fall apart right before them and doing nothing was no easy task.
The young man was getting more and more hysterical with every second, his sobs getting more erratic, “Why us?! What did we do to deserve this?”
“This is not your fault.”
He was starting to lose his breath, so David crouched down next to him, put his hand on his shoulder and tried to calm him down.
“Gregory, breathe with me, nice and slow. Come on, follow what I'm doing.”
After a while, he calmed down enough to not need assistance with breathing, so Dave pulled away, but stayed close to him, leaning against the couch.
“Agent… I’m sorry, I forgot your name.”
“Rossi.”
“You know, Agent Rossi, we were supposed to have a baby. Me and Christy. That’s why we were in a hospital. She was in a lot of pain and didn’t want Laura to see her like this, so we decided she could stay at our friend’s.”
He chuckled, but there was no humor in it. He continued with a shaky voice, “Yesterday, I lost my son, and today I’m losing her. I don’t know what to do…”
It was only them in the living room, since Morgan was looking around the house. He was still close, but far enough, David hoped he, somehow, wouldn’t hear this conversation.
“Just two days ago I thought we were going to be a happy family and now… This is a nightmare.”
“Where is your wife, sir?”
“She’s upstairs, sleeping. She takes so many pain meds now, they knocked her out.”
“How old are you?”
He looked up at Dave with a weird look on his face, “Twenty six. Why?”
“I lost my child when I was twenty three.”
Gregory looked at him and Dave recognised that look. Somewhere, in the back of his head, the center of his heart a memory of his conversation with Gideon all these years ago broke out.
He remembered the heartbreak he felt, the confusion and the anger at the world, at himself, at God, for taking his dream, his perfect child away, because it didn’t matter who it became, it would be perfect already just by existing.
This moment from decades ago suddenly felt so fresh, like he was twenty again and burying his child prematurely. No parent should ever outlive their child.
He remembered thinking, ‘how can I live after something like this?’.
“I am fifty-seven now. I know how you feel. I know what it’s like to lose something you’ve always dreamt about. You feel like there won’t be a single happy day in your life again, but that’s not true. Your and Christine’s lives didn’t end yet.”
“I don’t know how it can get any better. So far, it’s only getting worse.”
“That’s okay. I didn’t either. Doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Does this feeling ever stop?”
“The pain never truly leaves, but you do get better at pretending it’s not there. Until one day you won’t hurt thinking about him.”
“Do you have children?”
“No. To answer your next question, yes, I wanted to.”
“Why not then?”
Rossi didn’t want to get into his personal problems more than it was necessary. He knew what the man was doing, he was trying to get his mind off of his soul crushing grief and hear a story that started like his and ended happily so he’d have some hope to motivate him to live, but sadly, David Rossi was not the right person to reach out for that.
“Gregory, I think this is way too early to think about future children. You still have your son to bury. One thing at the time.”
There was a moment of silence, ruined by a loud noise coming from the kitchen, Morgan had knocked over a plate. It was clear the other agent was listening carefully to their every word. It seemed however, that only David heard something, since Gregory didn’t even flinch.
“And we will have to talk to your wife.”
“Oh God, no. She will not survive this.”
“She will if she’s not alone.”
He hid his face in his hands, “How can I help her? She doesn’t want to talk to me. And I’m also grieving.”
“Grief can bring people together.”
“Bullshit.”
Rossi raised his eyebrows at the profanity.
Gregory continued, “I’ve heard child loss always tears couples apart.”
“Do you love her?”
“Are you crazy? I love her more than anything.”
“Then you will help her, no matter the risk. That love you have, use it now. If in the end you stay together, great. You will be stronger than ever. If you don’t, trust me all this support and love you show her, will not be forgotten. Carol and I stayed close friends after…”
He was very happy that the younger man was too busy processing the first part of this speech to ask why he used the past tense. Then again, maybe it was his profiling habit and most people did not pay that much detail to words.
“You have to put her first now. Be open with her and listen to what she says. Give yourself time to heal, but don’t push each other away. That’s the most advice I can give you.”
Cristina reacted like they expected, at first she froze, but soon broke down crying, her body spasming in pain. Gregory told them to leave. Said he will handle it himself. Very well.
There was a long way before them, but hopefully, they’ll make it out together.
The car ride back was silent and awkward.
David knew what Morgan was going to say. And in some way, he knew he’d be right. There was no reason for him to keep this part of him away from them. On the other hand, there was no reason to share it. He didn’t need condolences, he’s heard them enough.
It wasn’t the lack of trust either, which was what Morgan probably thought. He trusted the team, but there were some things that they didn’t have to know, especially those that happened so long ago. He was a different man in 2013 than he was in 1979.
The next day a woman came by, claiming to witness a car driving to and from the place Laura’s body was dumped. Garcia checked the license plate and linked them to a man who fit their profile to a T. Then they found his accomplice. In the end the ambiguities in the profile were explained - the second unsub joined in after the second girl.
The arrest was quick and more or less unproblematic. Monica was alive, but in critical condition. There were no other bodies, it seemed this was the only time they kidnapped two women at the same time.
They were done by Friday evening and decided on a late night flight.
All throughout that day Morgan said close to nothing to him. Same thing on the plane. He sat on the furthest seat away from him. To be fair, the way back home was mostly silent. Everyone was too tired to talk, some of them slept. Some, like David and Morgan, were wide awake.
Hotch was too. He was filling up paperwork. Most of it was for sure not his, but none of them had the energy to argue. He’d deny it anyway.
At least, David thought, tomorrow would be Saturday. Yes, he had a book to write and it wasn’t going to write itself, but he could indulge in a few more hours of sleep. After a case as tough as this one… If he were a different man, he’d have taken a whole week off.
Once in Quantico, he walked by his office to pick up a few things. As he stepped through the threshold he wanted nothing more than to appear in his house and drop to his bed immediately. He packed quickly and headed out.
He went through the corridor and noticed Aaron still sitting in his office, and it didn’t seem like he was getting ready to leave just yet. He fought his exhaustion and stepped in for a word or two.
“I hope you’re not planning to spend a night here.”
Aaron sighed and gestured to a grand stack of papers, “I have work to do.”
“Sure, but that can wait. You need to rest.”
His lips tightened into a line. He looked more annoyed than usually, but Dave knew it was a facade. He didn’t want to be alone. Like all of them.
“Where’s Jack?”
“At his grandparents.”
“Let me drive you home.”
He sighed, “Do I have a choice?”
“Not really.”
“Fine.”
Of course, David had no intention of driving his friend to his empty house. Hotch didn’t even protest when Dave took a turn away from their supposed destination. They both needed company. A drink, and many hours of sleep.
He always slept easier knowing he wasn’t alone.
***
In the morning, they talked.
“What do I do now? The kid won’t let this go.”
“Tell him everything.”
“It’s none of his business.”
“It is now.” Hotch knew he still hadn’t convinced him, so he added, “Look at it this way. You know Morgan doesn’t like secrets. He’s angry at you now. He feels betrayed. Do you really want that?”
“He has no right to feel betrayed.”
Aron raised an eyebrow, “And you say I’m dense.”
“You are.”
“Dave. He’s just realized he doesn’t know you. He thinks you don’t trust him. You’ve worked hard to adapt into this team. Don’t ruin it now.”
David looked down at his coffee, “I don’t like thinking about him. It always makes me think about what I could have had.”
“You’re not alone.”
“Yes. I guess I’m not.”
It wasn’t the same thing, though. The team, yes, they were close, he had a real friend, he was an uncle, but at the end of the day, he came back to an empty house.
Aaron knew this of course. He was probably the only person in the world who could understand how he felt. That year, when Jack and Haley were under WITSEC, it took a great toll on him. Now too, when Jack was away, visiting his family, Hotch was alone.
“You aren’t either.”
He smiled, “Touché. Promise me you’ll talk to him.”
“I can’t promise to be nice.”
Hotch rolled his eyes.
They both knew that with the team, Rossi wasn’t capable of being truly mean.
***
Derek Morgan walked into his room, like clockwork Monday morning at 8. David had barely sat down, but welcomed him nonetheless.
He expected this. Derek was like that - relentless. If he wanted to know something, he was going to find that out at any cost. He’s probably thought over what he was going to say already.
Dave wasn’t going to be mean, but maybe a bit difficult.
“We need to talk.”
“We definitely can. Sit down.”
Derek sat opposite to him and watched him for a moment. David was just about to make a snarky comment, asking if he enjoys the view, when he spoke.
“Man, I thought I had you figured out already.”
“It must hurt, realizing you’re not foolproof.”
Morgan glared at him, “I just don’t understand why you’d hide this from us. Don’t you trust us? I thought we were over this?”
“It was a long time ago. I didn’t think it was important.”
“You’re our friend. Of course it’s important to us. You had a son!”
“For ten seconds. Yes, I did.”
Morgan quieted down, “How old would he be now?”
“Thirty-four.”
“Two years older than Reid.”
“That he would be.”
“Carolyn, was she your first wife?” He said and immediately regretted it. His eyes widened as he realized his lack of tact.
“It’s fine. She was. Our marriage didn’t withstand this.”
“Most don’t.”
David raised his eyebrow. “Don’t profile me. I don’t feel guilty. Not anymore.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“When Davis asked you why you didn’t have kids later you didn’t answer.”
Again, he didn’t want Morgan to get angry. He just wanted to throw him off a bit, annoy him even. Why? Well, maybe to make him feel an ounce of the discomfort he felt during this conversation.
“Is there a question somewhere?”
“Don’t play with me.”
He sighed, “The simple answer is that I never got the chance.”
“You were married two more times.”
“Yes. Hayden didn’t want children, at least not then. Not with me. My marriage with Krystall lasted a whole day. There wasn’t much time.”
“Why not adopt?”
“And raise them alone? I couldn’t do that to a child. They need someone reliable.”
Raising a child alone in their field was not easy. It worked for Hotch only because he had Jessica to help. Dave’s family lived in a different state. They had their own lives to worry about and their own children to care for.
“You retired for ten years.”
“I was burned out and tired. I spent most of my time writing and going on tours. Anyway, I wanted a family. A wife and two kids. Can’t really do that alone.”
“Right.”
“Is that all? Can I go back to work?”
He reached for the stash of papers on his desk, but Derek didn’t move.
“I thought you wanted to be alone.”
“What about me being married three times made you think that?”
“I don’t know. I thought you had everything you wanted.”
Ouch.
“You don’t have to say everything you think.”
“Sorry.”
“Just- Let’s not talk about this again.”
Morgan was already in the doorway, when he turned around.
“What was his name?”
“James. After James Taylor. Carol was a fan.”
Derek snorted and then immediately covered his mouth with his hand.
“What?”
“Nothing, just… You are old.”
Rossi rolled his eyes. “Is that all?”
“You do know we call you ‘dad’?”
“I’ve heard.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Not at all.”
“Are we good?”
“We are.”
“Good. Good.” He nodded and turned to leave.
This time, David stopped him.
“Wait- Derek. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not trying to console me. Now, go, before I call security.”
***
“You’d make a good dad.” JJ said.
They were on a case a few months after his conversation with Morgan. It involved children and that was what he and JJ were talking about, but they were merely looking through documents, statements of the families, nothing that could prompt her to say this.
Her words came out of the blue so much that he almost suspected Morgan of telling her something, they were good friends after all, but he wouldn’t do that. Derek valued trust too much to betray him like this.
He put his cup of coffee down.
She was looking at him, he thought for a moment she was expecting an answer, but he didn’t know what to say.
And then she continued, as if she hadn’t just turned his entire world upside down.
“You know, out of all the childless people in this team, you’re the most surprising one. You’re so good with kids. It seems to come naturally for you and trust me, it’s rare. Why didn’t you ever have a child?”
She must have noticed something was wrong on his face - he wasn’t sure what she saw, surprise, maybe, or sadness, it didn’t matter - she stopped in her tracks and put on her ‘mother’ face. That’s what he called it, when she became worried over something or someone she cared about. Funny, she had been doing it way before actually having a child.
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes.” He replied, his voice hoarse. “It’s very… Kind of you to say that.”
If he wasn’t so shaken, he’d shudder at how awkward his words were, but he was far too lost in his head to notice. JJ did.
“I’m sorry if I said something wrong. Rossi, are you sure you’re okay? Should I call Hotch?”
“No, no. Don’t call him. I’m fine. You’re an amazing woman, JJ. And an amazing mother. It’s an honor to hear this from you.”
“Rossi, your hands are shaking. Are… Are you crying?”
His eyes did feel wet and his cheeks warm, but he was absolutely fine, it’s been many, many years, through which he grieved and he was fine now, really. There was no reason to cry. He’s made his peace with it already.
“No, don’t be ridiculous, JJ. Why would I be crying?”
“I’m very sorry for-”
“Don’t. Just give me a moment.”
She didn’t look happy about that.
“Please.”
He didn’t know where that came from - that moment of weakness. He hasn’t cried about James since a year after his burial, he has forgiven God, accepted his plan and he hasn’t challenged Him since.
It could be that he was on edge already, the second anniversary of Carolyn’s death was just in a few days and he was already thinking about taking a day off, visiting cemeteries, buying flowers…
Maybe it was her, maybe it wasn’t. Also…
JJ thought he’d be a great father.
JJ. The woman who would move mountains for her children - and has done this time and time again, showing extraordinary strength and love that isn’t seen in many. She thought he’d be a great dad.
He was taken over by a wave of affection towards her. He didn’t feel so hollow anymore.
His vision stopped being blurry, whatever was causing it - not tears, that’s for sure - was gone. Suddenly, he felt very exposed. He was sitting in a claustrophobic interrogation room the police department cleaned for them to use, because there were no other empty rooms, with a huge one-way mirror and a worried Agent who he grew to love very much.
He could feel her questions burying into him as she looked at him.
Suddenly he wished she had called Hotch.
“Are you okay?”
He nodded, “I’m sorry for, well… This. I guess I owe you some explanation.”
She grabbed his hand over the table.
“I had a son. His name was James.”
“Oh God, Rossi.” She walked around the table and hugged him tightly.
He hugged her back. She has changed plenty throughout all these years, she’s grown a lot, she became stronger, more confident, even snarky, sometimes. Some things, however, haven’t changed at all. She was still an incredibly sensitive, sweet and caring person.
“What you said…”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it was beautiful. I mean it, it’s an honor to hear this from you. I just hate that you had to see me like this.”
“I’ve seen worse. I’m just happy you’re okay now.”
“I am.”
“Do you want to tell me about James?”
Morgan didn’t ask this. He did overhear his conversation with Davis, but even then, he did miss a big part of the story. The part that only two people knew.
Now, also JJ would. He couldn’t hold a secret from her even if he really wanted to.
“He died ten seconds after he was born.” She grabbed his hand, he squeezed it hard, “Honestly, Carolyn and I should have expected this, but we were so happy God finally gave us a child we didn’t want to consider that he might take this one away too.”
“Do you mean…”
“She miscarried three times, that I know off. I told her I can’t watch her be in pain again, but she told me she’d like to try one more time. She insisted, but I knew she did this for me. I wanted a child more than she did. She got pregnant, three months passed and even though the doctor said it’s high risk we were hopeful.
James had an undetected heart disease. Apparently it ran in her family. She didn’t know. He breathed for ten seconds and then he was gone. Just like that. They allowed us to hold him for a while. Said it’s better that way, to say goodbye. He was so tiny. So tiny, JJ. So vulnerable, so innocent. He was perfect.”
Her tears were soaking his shirt.
“We paid way more than we could afford for a funeral. It was beautiful. I expected it to be the worst part, but it wasn’t. It was horrible, yes, but when we came back from the cemetery and saw all the boxes of clothes and the crib- That was the worst.”
After this none of them said anything. David realized it started raining outside, heavy drops hitting the metal roof of the station and flickering through the sky out the window. They said nothing about the rain today. He watched the world change outside, from sunny to gray and gloomy.
Just like all these years ago at the hospital.
JJ shifted in his arms. She was no longer crying.
“How old would he be now?”
“Thirty-five.”
“Reid is thirty-three.”
He chuckled, “Morgan said the same thing.”
“You told Morgan?”
“It came out by accident. Long story. He doesn’t know everything anyway.”
“Does Hotch know?”
“Of course.”
“Would you have ever told any of us?”
He looked away, “I don’t think so.”
“You do know we treat you like a dad, right?”
“I did hear you call me that sometimes.”
“From Morgan?”
“I have ears everywhere, JJ.”
She smiled. “Spencer, I think, feels this way the most. Derek too. Emily. But him. You know about his father. They weren’t… Close.”
“I’m sure Gideon is that for him.”
“He used to be. But he left him. The same way his father did.”
He could point to a few heart-felt conversations he had with his team members, but compared to Morgan and Prentiss, Spencer wasn’t there that much.
“You don’t seem convinced.”
“It’s a running joke, that I am the team’s dad, we don’t have to pretend there’s more to this.”
“No, I’m serious. He looks up to you. He listens to your jokes and you know how he is, he sometimes doesn’t get them. Also, if I’m being honest, your jokes aren’t the best.”
“Too far, JJ. Too far.”
“Maybe they’re funny to Hotch, but we’re young it’s not our humor.”
“All of you act like you’re way younger than you really are.”
She smacked his arm, “You are not calling me old right now.”
He smiled, “I wouldn’t dare.”
“I’m thirty-six. A perfect exhibit of youth. Prime of my life.”
“Thirty-six… James would be a year younger than you. Why’d you only mention Spencer before?”
“I have a father. Don’t get me wrong, you changed my life, you are the reason I’m here, but it’s different for him.”
At this point, he just wanted this conversation to be over. He expected words of sympathy from her, but that was making him uncomfortable. He didn’t want to start believing in something that wasn’t real and get disappointed.
“Look, we should probably get out of here. It’s dinner time soon, and I’d kill for a steak now.”
She knew he was deflecting, but who would deny a dinner invitation. “Yeah, I could eat something too.”
“Let’s get everyone.”
When they walked out of the room, nobody mentioned their slightly puffy red eyes and his wet shirt. Nobody commented on the conversation they, if David was honest, could probably hear, if not fully, then in parts. It was almost impossible nobody bothered them for an hour, when usually they walked in-and-out through the room.
They didn’t talk about it again.
***
The first day back in the office, Rossi was a little bit late. He had a hard time getting ready that morning. He had set his alarm wrong, then when he was leaving he got into huge traffic. He was fifteen minutes late. It was not a good morning.
He was going into his office, but Spencer waved him over. When Rossi got closer, he noticed the kid had two cups of coffee on the desk. “The one on the left is yours. I visited a cafe on my way here. I hope it’s not cold already.”
He sent him a smile, and David remembered his conversation with JJ.
They did have a habit of small gestures like that, coffee in the morning, bringing the other a snack from the kitchen. A tradition started accidently by Dave many years ago, when he put too much sugar in his cup and Spencer stopped him from throwing it away.
He didn’t think much of it until now. It was just something that they did. They talked a lot too, about things unrelated to their work and Spencer did listen to his jokes, even if Rossi had to explain all of them to him afterwards.
He smiled back.
“Thanks, kid.”
At that moment David didn’t care if JJ was right or not and if Spencer saw him as a father-figure or a friend, because no matter what, he knew one thing.
Here, with this team, he was finally home.