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On very special nights, when all the lights were out in Stolas’s mansion and not a sound was heard around the mansion, Blitzø would break out a bottle of wine. He and Stolas, his happily married husband of many years now, would share it in their study by warm candlelight. They’d share a kiss, before sitting side by side, taking a deep breath,
and begin filling out paperwork.
“I think my hand’s cramping.” Blitzø muttered as he pored over the tax returns for his office, squinting to keep the letters still. “What the heck’s an ‘alimony?’”
“That’s mine, darling.” Stolas, who’d been tackling his own share of invitations and junk mail, slid the paper off of Blitzø’s pile, letting his hand linger on the imp’s hand. “You know, I could take care of these for you. It’s not that big of a dea-”
“Yes it is, Stolas.” Blitzø scanned the next paper, searching for the dotted lines amidst the floating letters. “I can’t rely on you for everything. How can I even be a decent fathe…” Realizing his mistake, he let his voice trail off and buried his face deeper into his stack of papers.
Sighing, Stolas cradled his cheek in his hand, drumming his fingers on the desk as he stared at Blitzø. “Is that what’s troubling you dear?”
Blitzø let the fountain pen in his hand drop as he rested his head in his hand. “I just don’t know if I’m good enough. You’ve seen how terrible of a person I can be.” Really, all he’d been good at was running away, from his sister and his friends and his mistakes and his problems and himself. Sure, he’d been able to stay with Stolas. To share the jubilance and the hardships their wedding bands carried. His bags had stayed unpacked, his words genuine. But what if he left one day and never came back? What if he broke everyone’s heart all over again?
“People change, Blitzy.” Stolas rested his hand on Blitzø’s shoulder. “You’ve grown.” There was so much hope in Stolas’s eyes. For some unfathomable reason, Stolas actually believed in him. Maybe he was right. Still…
“I just don’t think I’m ready.” He slumped in his chair. “You know how my childhood turned out.” You know what happened to everyone who ever loved me. You know how much I’ve failed, how much I’ve spiraled, how much I’m worth.
Stolas smiled. “Just about as dreadfully as mine. But we can do better.” In his eyes was the same quiet fear that he saw when Stolas held their kids. The fear that he’d look in the mirror one day and see the person he was running from staring right back at him. The fear they shared.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Blitzø conceded, before reaching for the bottle of wine and pouring himself another glass. “Let’s just get this over with.”
And so they continued for a few more minutes, Blitzø occasionally stealing glances at the focused owl. How can you be so optimistic about the future after everything we’ve been through? Our future? With a sigh, he kept on writing. Perhaps the answers would come to him another day. Maybe he could even get through the entire stack tonight.
…
Nope.
“Come on,” Turning to Stolas, Blitzø let out a loud yawn. “Can’t we take a quick nap?” He batted his eyelashes as he leaned closer to the blushing demon. “Pretty please?”
Stolas playfully shoved the imp away, rolling his eyes in mock exasperation. “Blitzy, it’s only been eight minutes. Just think happy thoughts.”
“Like how comfy your feathers look?” He let out another exaggerated yawn as he scooter closer to him. He probably would have sounded more mischievous if he wasn’t exhausted from work today and hadn’t downed two glasses of wine.
“That’s not exactly what I had in mi-”
“Too late.” The imp’s head flopped onto the owl’s shoulder, his breathing slowing. “You’re so cute, Stols.” Voice slurring, he reached up to stroke the demon’s cheek. “I love you.” Rosy memories of nights spent like this in bed, the only worry plaguing his mind being whether he’d be able to get out of bed in the morning, flipped through the projector in his mind. As he drifted off, the evenings they spent sitting together at cinemas, ferris wheels, and beaches kept him warm. Until it wasn’t a question whether he deserved the love of the wonderful owl sitting next to him, because he already knew the answer.
“Love you too, Blitzy.” And he resumed to fill out his side of the paperwork, humming to himself as he sifted through the envelopes. Though as Blitzø’s purring filled the room, so too did a comforting, fuzzy haze. It was a welcome sight to see the usually-haunted imp unwind like the world’s most beautifully woven ball of yarn until Blitzø’s true emotions were laid bare in front of him. The inner beauty amidst the chaos of the machine. Who he fell for all those full moons ago.
He managed to make it through a few more forms until he could no longer will his hand to keep moving across the blurry papers. Stolas let out a soft yawn, before picking up the smiling imp and draping him across his shoulder. The owl smiled as he felt Blitzø’s steady heartbeat, chest rising and falling. He was happy. It was all that Stolas needed to know to be put at ease. “And I think you’re cute, too.” Softly chuckling to himself, he was just about to carry his husband to their bedroom when a soft *knock-knock* sounded from the bedroom door.
“Father? Daddy? Are, *sniffle* are you there?”
Blitzø’s eyes snapping open, he clawed at Stolas’s shoulder like a feral cat, instincts kicking into overdrive. “Daddy’s coming sweetie!” He leapt off of Stolas, landing on the ground on all fours, before scrambling to the study door and throwing it open, letting the faint pink light of the hallways stream in.
Outside the door stood two children, one of them a short imp girl with curly black hair and curly gray horns while the other was a frail Goetican demon boy with black patches on his gray feathers. The imp was wiping her eyes as she stammered, “I-I had a bad dream a-and Loonie and Vee weren’t here a-and you weren’t in your room a-and I got scared!” Tears streaming down her face, she ran into her father’s open arms.
“Shh, we were just taking care of papers, that’s all.” Blitzø hugged her tight, trying his best to comfort her. His voice delicate as glass, he held on like if he let go, she would float away. All of a sudden he found a burning need in his soul, to gove everything and anything just to see his daughter smile again. Even his doubts. “Everything is gonna be fine.”
She still continued to sob, burying her face in his chest. “But Daddy, w-w-what if you weren’t h-h-here?! W-What if I was a-a-alone?!”
No, I couldn’t leave you, I’d never leave, not for anyone anything not a chance in hell no no NO. Arms coming up to wrap around her, Blitzø closed his eyes, remembering all the times he’d asked those same questions at night. “I’ll always be here for you, Ann. I promise I won’t ever leave you alone.” As he clutched onto her, feeling her precious heartbeat, he knew that it was a promise he would never break.
“Andromeda!” Finally regaining his senses, Stolas rushed over and embraced both of them. “You’ll be okay darling, I promise. We’ll always make sure of it.” So the three of them sat, each of them scared of monsters completely different in shape yet united as a family.
Except for a very special someone.
Looking up, Blitzø met the pink eyes of his son, who was still standing in the doorway. “Leo? Did you also have a nightmare?” Still clutching his arm to his side, Leo hesitated, before slowly shaking his head. The smile Blitzø had put on to reassure him crumpled when he realized that he knew exactly what his son looked like. He looked like someone who was scared, but too afraid to admit it, too lonely to move on, too hurt to heal.
Ann, who knew him better than anyone, piped up, “Father, he’s not-”
“I know, I know.” Stolas let go of them and pulled himself to his knees. “It’s okay, Leonardo.” He reached his arms out. “It’ll all be okay.” It became a lot easier for Blitzø to believe those words as he said it, because he could see the hurt in each of their eyes, yet none of them ran. They let themselves hurt together. They weren’t going anywhere. They were going to be okay.
Another set of tearful eyes joined the group. And they sat there, Blitzø cradling Ann while Stolas held Leo in his arms, for as long as it took to help them all believe that yes, everything would be okay. As he held his daughter, he let a single tear roll down his cheek.
When they were born, it had taken days of staring into their cribs before he could bring himself to hold them. He was too afraid that they would break, that he’d break, just like always. But around them, he could bring himself to laugh, and to cry, and to believe. Just like when he was with Stolas, or Loona once she let him in, or even Octavia after many, many months of trying to be a good father figure (and failing, but at least the effort didn't go unnoticed).
The layers of self doubt had wrapped around him like vines, thorns piercing his skin. But over the years, the snakes coiled around his heart had loosened. Scars of past lifetimes still throbbed, but he could feel the pain fading away. Until sunlight had streamed into his prison, and he could smile again.
The demons would always be in the cell next door, but he didn’t have to face them alone anymore. He had a loving husband he could trust, children that he loved with all his heart, and he could bring himself to FEEL again.
Maybe he was ready after all.
Once Ann’s sniffling had died down, she gently tugged on Blitzø’s arm. “Can we sleep with you tonight?” Leo nodded in agreement.
“Of course, sweetie.” Getting to his feet, he planted his hands underneath his daughter’s shoulders and hoisted her up onto his back. “Up you go!” For the first time that night, he saw her smile, and it made everything worth it.
Stepping over a discarded paper, he carried her out of the study and toward their bedroom, Stolas following behind with a smiling Leo in his arms. When they made it to the bedroom and stepped into the moonlit room, Stolas gently shut the door behind them. “This should keep the bad dreams away.” Stolas clapped his hands, and the ceiling instantly lit up as models of constellations hovered over them, twirling across the ceiling like ballerinas. “Better?”
“Mm-hmm.” Ann and Leo nodded as their fathers tucked them into bed. They were so peaceful like that, safe and cozy and softly snoring away without a care in the world. They were EVERYTHING to him. You probably didn’t deserve someone like me as your father, but no matter what, I won’t ever give up. I’ll always love you. Hopefully that’ll be enough. You’ll always be enough. I just hope that I’m enough.
“Sweet dreams, my dears.” Stolas gave both of them a peck on the forehead before settling into bed himself.
“Sleep tight, kiddos.” Blitzø did the same, but leaned over them to give Stolas one final kiss on the cheek. “You too, birdbrain.”
“Hey!” Stolas laughed, before kissing Blitzø on the lips. “Good night, darling.”
“Good night.” As Blitzø flopped back on the bed, he let the gentle embrace of sleep take him far, far away. Knowing that he would be okay, he smiled.
And not another bad dream was dreamt that night, only blissful dreams of a brighter tomorrow.