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I can do this.
Izzy took a deep breath through his nose, fighting the urge to shake out his arms and instead tensing them up further.
I can do this.
He could. He had to. It was the difference between having a shot at a relationship with the two men he had come to love, or dying alone. So there really was no option. He was going to have to have sex.
Izzy had successfully avoided such things for the full forty-five years he had been alive so far. But he had mostly done that by suppressing any errant romantic impulses he’d felt, pushing them deep into a box labeled ‘DO NOT OPEN’. After all, they had all been felt toward men anyway, and he’d never considered that romance with a man could be an option for him. Sure, men had sex with men on pirate ships. But they didn’t cuddle, or hold hands, or call each other sweetheart, or any of the other weird things Izzy had deeply buried the desire to do.
In Stede’s universe, however, which Ed now shared and had invited Izzy into, they did. But Izzy was certain those beautiful, wonderful activities came at a price. That price was sex. That’s what men always wanted. At least, men who weren’t wrong in the head like Izzy.
So he had to do it. There wasn’t another option. And he would have to do it soon, or they’d start to suspect something was wrong.
“Izzy, darling?” Stede called for him from the doorway. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah. Yeah. Just…thinking.”
“It’s getting to be close to bedtime, you know.”
“Right. Bed.” Izzy’s heart rate increases by a fraction at that notion. Would they ask him to sleep in Stede’s bed with them? He would like that, he thought, if not for what it implied.
—
“Hang on. Hang on. Hang on, just a minute, dear, please!”
Izzy pulled away. Stede continued, “What are you doing?”
“What the fuck does it look like?”
“Alright, point taken. What I meant to ask was, why are you doing it, when there’s obviously something wrong?”
“Yeah, mate, are you alright? You don’t seem like you’re having a very good time.”
“And I suppose you two are the experts on how I’m feeling?”
“Uh, yeah, Izzy, I think I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re grinding your teeth over something."
“You know you can tell us anything, don’t you?” Stede put his hand on Izzy’s shoulder. “I know with our past it might be difficult, but that’s behind us now. No more room for judgment.” He smiled.
Izzy cursed Stede silently for being so damned nice. Sure, if Izzy told him what was really the matter, Stede wouldn’t come out and say that Izzy was broken and unlovable. But he would think it. And he’d calmly and politely explain that obviously, their relationship couldn’t continue given this new piece of information. It would be better if he laughed and called Izzy names. Maybe then Izzy could tell him to fuck off and go off to nurse his broken heart by himself.
“There’s nothing to tell. Just let me do this for you, alright?”
Fuck. That was the wrong thing to say. A normal person wouldn’t be doing it for anyone.
“Nah, love. We’re not doing anything until you tell us.”
Ed gave him that look. The “not budging on this” look.
Izzy was still scared, but now there was anger there as well. Anger at Ed and Stede forcing him to confess his awful secret, when he was working so hard to let them go on believing he was normal. Alright, fine, he thought. Let them have it, if they want it so badly.
“Fine. Fine! I’m not fucking enjoying myself. And I damn well knew I wouldn’t, and I knew I’d have to suck it up and do it anyway. This is what you two want from me—it’s what any man who isn’t fucked up in the head like me would want. But for you two, oh, it’s not enough for me to suck you off, is it? No, I’ve got to be having a good time of it, too.”
“Izzy, dearest—”
“You two think you’re so nice. You’re going to leave me right when I’m giving you exactly what you want, what you asked for, because you’re too nice to let me fuck you just so I can keep you, and all the things we have together. Things that I’ve wanted for years. Things, mind you, that I’m willing to do this for, when even the thought of it makes me nauseous."
“If you’d just—”
“I’m trying. Is that not good enough for you? Can we just get it over with, please? I can pretend to like it, if that’s what does it for you. I’ll work on it.” Against his will, his voice came out quieter as he added, "I promise."
“Are you finished?” Stede asked.
“Yes,” said Izzy, with an air of dejected resignation.
“Alright. Did it never occur to you that we might also enjoy the things we already have together, regardless of your...bedroom preferences?"
“What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said. You can have all the bits of our relationship that make you happy, with exactly zero bits that don’t.”
“Yeah, what did you think, that we were just putting up with all that to get in your pants? Seriously, Iz, I’m a bit offended to be honest. You could’ve just told us, love.”
Izzy was confused. “But it’s not right, is it? When you’re in love, you’re not supposed to be disgusted by the thought of—” Izzy was cut off by a sudden lump in his throat and tears in his eyes.
Stede looked concerned. “Well, it might not be the usual way to feel about it. But that doesn’t make it wrong. Men loving each other isn’t the usual thing to begin with, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Izzy was dumbstruck. He couldn’t think of an appropriate response to getting exactly what he wanted, what he had never dared to dream anyone would be willing to give him.
“What about kissing? Touching? Those alright?” Ed asked.
Izzy nodded, not trusting his voice. Those were more than alright.
Ed smiled and tucked a lock of Izzy’s hair behind his ear, then caressed his face gently. Izzy couldn’t handle it any longer. He threw his arms around Ed and held on with all his might, burying his tear-stained face in Ed’s shoulder. Keeping one arm around Ed, he reached out his other hand to the left where Stede knelt on the bed. Stede took it in both hands and gave it a gentle kiss.
“I love you,” Stede said.
“Yeah. Love you, Iz.”