Work Text:
Anzu:
Guys guys guys
Anzu:
Let's go to the beach!!!! Please(˶ᐢᗜᐢ˶) the really BIG beach
Yugi:
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honda:
I'm down!
Jounouchi:
helllllllll yeah
Jounouchi:
it's too hot out to not go lbr
Ryou:
I'll bring sunscreen :)
Anzu:
OMG RYOU ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY omg
Ryou:
Of course! It's not a big deal :) Besides, I like the beach
Honda:
I've got a good umbrella, too, that should help a lot
Ryou:
Thank you(^_^)
Jounouchi:
yeah let's not crisp ryou
Honda:
No problem!!
Yugi:
Are we gonna invite more ppl?
Anzu:
That would be cool! I wanna see as many people as possible before I leave
Anzu:
I haven't had a chance to see Mai yet, so def inviting her
Yugi:
There's lots of ppl we can invite!!!
Anzu:
I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Atem stared at the phone screen, then switched it off.
He wasn't going. He had already decided. There was no way. No one other than Yugi and Sugoroku truly knew about him hurting himself, and he wanted to try and keep it that way. He wore more cuffs and bracelets whenever he managed to make it out of the house, and no one questioned it. They made joking comments, but it wasn't strange. It was Atem, after all, of course he'd be wearing jewelry. They even seemed to think it was a good sign, a sign he was feeling better.
If he went swimming, he couldn't wear the jewelry into the ocean. Everyone would see the scars, the healing cuts. It would ruin everyone's day.
He heard Yugi coming up the stairs, a slight bounce in his step, and swallowed a groan.
"Hey," Yugi said, a little smile on his face. "Did you see the group chat? We're planning a beach day."
Atem nodded.
"Will you come with me?"
Atem pursed his lips. "I don't think so," he murmured.
Yugi walked over to the bed and sat down. "No one's going to judge you," he said.
"Yugi, they don't even know," Atem said, then sighed. "They'll ask questions, they'll feel uncomfortable." He drew up his legs, pressed his face to his knees. "I'll feel uncomfortable."
"I know I can't force you," Yugi said slowly, "but I do think it would be good for you to go. To be around friends, in some nature. By the water."
Atem sighed again.
"Do you… do you want me to tell them?"
Atem's head shot up. "No!" he said, and Yugi jumped. "No, I– Don't tell them."
"They'd be prepared," Yugi ventured, but Atem shook his head emphatically.
Yugi's shoulders sank. "Atem," he said quietly. "They're going to find out eventually. They're going to see eventually." He met Atem's eyes. "You can't hide it forever." He tentatively held out a hand. "You can't hide forever."
It never mattered how often they prefaced it with "I'm not trying to force you". Atem felt pressured. He knew they cared, but it didn't help any. Didn't make him any less irritated.
In the end, he gave up. "Fine," he muttered to himself, then raised his voice to call to Yugi: "I'll go."
Yugi turned from making himself lunch. "Are you sure?"
Atem shut his eyes and took a breath. You push and push me to, and now you ask if I'm sure? As if I've been given a choice? "I'm sure," he said.
His stomach knotted at the smile that spread across Yugi's face.
Atem hoped for rain, for a storm, for sickness, anything to cancel the trip. But the day dawned bright and clear, with only a few puffy clouds in the sky, and no one texted saying they had all mysteriously fallen ill.
Fuck me.
He loaded his arms with jewelry, trying to come up with excuses for not getting in the water. Oh, it's the nausea. I'm a little achy. Too tired. He was still trying to decide on one when Honda showed up, everyone piled into his van.
They were in such good spirits. Atem felt like a blight.
It was hot, and the water looked so inviting. His friends were peeling off their clothes, swimsuits underneath. Jounouchi and Honda were gone, running across the hot sand (yelping), diving straight into the water, somehow at the perfect moment, before a wave could knock them back. Ryou was slathering sunscreen on his arms, asking Anzu to get his back once she'd secured the umbrella, and he'd get hers. Yugi was stretching, breathing in the salty breeze with his eyes closed.
Anzu checked her phone. "Mai's on her way!" she said excitedly, grinning. "She said she's sneaking booze."
"Oh no," Yugi laughed.
Atem sat on the blanket, legs crossed, looking off to the side. He could hear Honda and Jounouchi whooping, hear Anzu's phone cheerfully pinging, and he wanted to be anywhere but there.
"Oh my god," Anzu exclaimed, her English coming through. "Mokuba convinced Kaiba to come!"
Yugi burst out laughing. "Holy shit! Do you think he'll bring a laptop?"
"Mokuba will throw it into the ocean if he does."
"I would pay to see that."
They weren't even paying attention to him. Why had he bothered coming? And when it was so hot? It took a lot to make him sweat, but he was starting to.
The heat off the sand felt like a distant memory come back to haunt him. He didn't need that.
"Oh," Ryou said, voice apologetic. "I invited you know who, too." He finally glanced back at Atem. "I hope that's okay?"
Atem shrugged. "It's all right," he said. Besides, Ryou lived with the man. What was Atem going to do, tell Ryou what to do?
Yugi looked over at him, then to Ryou. "Are we still calling him Bakura?" he asked. "Just because it gets a little confusing sometimes."
"At least for right now. He hasn't mentioned much in the way of names, so I've stuck to it for simplicity's sake." He stood, already wiping sand off his sunscreened legs. His voice turned quiet. "I just didn't want him to feel left out."
Anzu nodded and smiled. Her phone pinged again. "Ahh, awesome!" She stood and yelled to the water. "Jounouchi! Your sister is coming, so you have to behave!" The reply that came back on the breeze sounded distinctly like "Fuck that!" moments before Honda pushed Jounouchi underwater.
Ryou and Anzu began walking to the water, then walking faster, then jogging, only finally stopping at the edge.
Yugi turned to Atem. "Do you want to go in?" he asked gently.
Atem stared out at their friends. They were so happy. They were having fun. Anzu's phone kept making sounds; Atem wanted to smash it. "Not really," he murmured. He saw Yugi's shoulders droop out of the corner of his eye.
"It's okay," Yugi said, and Atem knew he was lying. (You never lie to me? That's a lie in and of itself.) "But just… No one's gonna judge you. I promise."
Yugi walked out to the water.
Atem stared, unseeing. Alone. Again. Always.
Because no one would ever understand. No one could understand. The closest person would be Bakura, and although they had talked and time had passed, Atem didn't feel he could talk to him like that, about everything. About the loneliness. Their experiences were so different. Bakura already understood deep loneliness.
Because of Atem.
He looked down to stare at his hands, his covered wrists. The bracelets clanked together when he moved. He hated it. Hated everything.
Mai arrived, setting down a heavy bag and flashing Atem a bright smile. "And how are you?"
Atem's smile was weak. "I'm all right," he said. "Kind of tired."
"Well, you know I brought some things that may help," Mai said with a wink. "Just as long as no one gets fucked up and then tries to swim."
Atem glanced at the canvas bag.
"Did you want some?" Mai asked.
He considered it. It was disturbingly tempting. "Maybe later."
"No problem." Mai stripped off her tank top and skirt. "Ugh, that breeze feels so good. You coming?"
Atem's eye twitched. "Later."
Mai paused a moment. Oh, Gods, please just leave.
Atem deflated with relief when she did.
He glanced at the bag again, glanced at Mai walking away. He leaned back, pulled one side open. Every drink was in an unassuming bottle, either a solid, sturdy water bottle, or plastic. Some were in bottles that one held tea. He swallowed, then leaned away again.
The Kaibas were next to arrive.
He heard Mokuba's excited "Hey, Atem!" and set his jaw. He turned to offer a smile, and genuine surprise jolted through him at the sight of Seto Kaiba in a short-sleeved, buttoned shirt, decorated with Blue Eyes White Dragons, swim trunks, and flip flops. He must have stared too hard, because Kaiba glanced away.
"What're you doing sitting here?" Mokuba asked, setting up a beach chair. "It's so hot out!"
Atem dug his nails into the sand where Mokuba couldn't see. "It's not too bad to me," he said, a smile plastered on his lips.
"Are you coming in right away, Seto?" Mokuba asked, turning to his brother. "I mean, you're getting in, right?"
Please go. Please fucking go.
"Eventually."
Oh for fuck's sake, Kaiba.
Mokuba made a face. "You guys are weird."
Atem and Kaiba sat in silence. Kaiba sat in the beach chair, hands idle. No laptop, no tablet, no phone. Utterly out of his element.
Atem felt he should say something, but couldn't think of anything. But Kaiba could be a quiet person, and he wasn't given to small talk.
So it surprised Atem when Kaiba cleared his throat and said, "So."
Atem's hand clenched again, sand getting under his fingernails.
"I admit, I'm amazed you aren't already out there." He motioned to the ocean with his chin. "Since your friends are."
Your friends. Oddly comforting that Kaiba couldn't accept certain things, either.
Atem simply shrugged. "I'll get in at some point." He fidgeted, tapping the sand. Couldn't they just sit in silence?
He heard a hm and that was it.
Thank Gods.
Funny how he still thought that.
Shizuka and Otogi showed up, cheerful as all the rest (excepting, of course, Kaiba), heading out to the water while waving. Atem saw Mokuba turn, blue hair plastered to his face, and raise his hands to his mouth. "Seto!" he yelled. "Come on!"
Kaiba pursed his lips and gave a shallow sigh. Atem could tell he didn't want to. But it was Mokuba asking, Mokuba grinning and calling and waving his big brother in.
Atem wondered what that felt like.
Another, deeper sigh. Kaiba stood, unbuttoned the shirt, and shrugged it off. Atem thought he should offer sunscreen, but couldn't get the words out. He felt strangely jealous. Jealous of Kaiba for being unable to say no to Mokuba, jealous of their bond, jealous of he didn't even know what, anymore.
Atem was alone again.
Until he heard a loud aaaaaggghhhhh behind him, and knew Bakura had come.
The man sat down heavily on the blanket, dropping his own bag with an oof. He turned to face Atem. "What's up, Pharaoh?"
Gods, Atem wished he'd stop with that.
"Not much," he said, trying his best to match Bakura's tone, and failing.
Bakura frowned. "Uh huh."
Atem's nostrils flared with his inhale, and he kept his eyes on the water. On his friends. On Yugi. He could stay here all day, no one would truly care. They needed a break from him. Yugi needed a break from him.
"You know, you kind of suck at hiding shit now."
"Really."
"Yup." Bakura unfolded his legs, sticking them straight out. "You'd have to be really fucking stupid to not see that you're feeling like shit."
"Gods, you're blunt."
Bakura scoffed. "Oh, come on, you know that." He looked over at Atem, light purple eyes searching his face. "You look like shit."
"Thank you very much for that assessment, Bakura."
A beat of silence. "Come on," Bakura said, letting his head fall back, tone between annoyed and casual. "Ryou's slightly implied you haven't been doing so great, and he's worried, and I'm over it, so what's going on?"
Atem clenched his jaw.
Bakura's eyes flicked to his wrists, and he realized he'd been playing with the bracelets. Fuck.
"Wouldn't have anything to do with that, would it?"
Heat rose in Atem's face, adrenaline began pumping. "I always wear jewelry."
"That's way more than usual, and you know it. Now, me," Bakura said, gesturing to himself, "I can wear that much and it's normal. You wear a lot, but not that much. I may not know-know you, but I at least know that." Atem felt Bakura's gaze on his face, and he tried to breathe. His chest was tight.
"You're hiding something."
Atem began shaking.
"What would I have to hide?" he said, glancing over, briefly meeting Bakura's eyes, seeing them narrow. "I don't hide."
"Man, no offense, but full offense, you are full of shit." He held out a hand, and Atem realized he was waiting for Atem to give him an arm. Since when did Bakura care?
Presumptuous, too.
Bakura lowered his hand.
"Do you think you're the only one?" he said, voice low.
Atem looked him full in the face then. Any bravado, any swagger, was gone. Bakura's expression was serious, and yet almost bored. His scar looked like the trail of a tear.
Atem swallowed. "What?"
Bakura rolled his eyes and pulled off his shirt. He extended an arm, twisting it to show the underside.
"Some things never really go away," he said quietly.
Atem's lips parted. Dark, dark scars against brown skin, crisscrossed, deep, large. He drew a shaky breath. Couldn't meet Bakura's eyes.
Bakura lowered his arm, considered the other one, shrugged. "Like I said. You're not the only one."
"I know that," Atem whispered. He felt sick.
Bakura looked out to the ocean. "You know," he said slowly. "You have a lot of people who love you. Even if you can't see it or don't want it. Do you really think they'd think badly of you for doing it?"
Atem was trembling. "They shouldn't have to know. They'll feel bad."
"Maybe. But you can't keep it a secret forever." Bakura shrugged. "And, you know, at least to an extent, if they feel bad, they got to deal with that themselves. You can't really be responsible for how they feel."
Atem grit his teeth. "That's unfair to them."
"I mean, I never thought I'd say this to you of all people, but you not doing stuff because of all that is kinda unfair to you." Another shrug. "This is both our second chance. Do you really want to throw it away?"
The shaking got worse. "You don't understand."
"Maybe." Bakura stood and cracked his neck. "But I think I have some idea. And I think as long as the salt water isn't gonna hurt, you should get out there."
Atem bit the inside of his lip, watching Yugi on Jounouchi's shoulders, hearing him laugh.
"They're happy without me," he said.
"Yeah, sure, that's why Yugi keeps looking over here."
Atem's brow furrowed. He'd been staring out there nearly all the time, and hadn't seen Yugi look his way except maybe once. "But he hasn't been."
"Since I got here, he's looked over here at least seven times." Bakura turned and gestured outwards. "Yeah, that guy is just so happy without you."
Atem glanced back out, and saw Yugi's head turn, saw his laugh falter a little. Saw him bend over to say something to Jounouchi, saw Jounouchi's head turn. Saw him sink lower so Yugi could get off of his shoulders.
Atem's face burned.
Yugi headed towards shore.
"Yeah, he's totally unconcerned. Real happy."
Bakura turned around, fully facing Atem. "Come on, Pharaoh," he said, voice loud again, his grin sharp and challenging, yet genuine. "Get off your ass and let's go."
Atem looked at him, looked over at Yugi, who had stepped out of the water. Looked at Bakura, glanced at his arms, looked at Yugi, looked down at the jewelry hiding his own wrists.
"Fucking fine," he said, and began pulling off every bracelet, every cuff, every bangle. They made discordant sounds against each other; they hit the blanket with varying thuds.
He felt the breeze on his wrists.
His heart pounded, his breath quickened. He stood, stood before fear and shame and guilt could stop him, stop him from rising to yet another challenge, and pulled his shirt over his head.
He looked at Bakura, red eyes meeting light purple. He looked to Yugi, to darker purple eyes that were widened, to a hopeful face framed with dripping wet hair.
Atem stretched his arms over his head. "Fuck it," he muttered, and walked out from under the umbrella. Bakura slapped his shoulder.
A tentative smile crossed Yugi's face as Atem met him, instinctively crossing his arms to hide the scars and healing wounds. "You coming in?" Yugi asked.
"Hell yeah, he is!" Bakura shouted. "Because damn this sand is fucking hot!"
Atem snorted and shook his head, watching Bakura wade into the shallows. He looked back when he felt Yugi gently take his hand.
"Come on," Yugi said. "Let's go."
Atem took a breath and followed. They waited for a break in the waves, and walked in together.
Everyone looked up. Jounouchi whooped and splashed towards Atem, Anzu's grin dazzled, Mai looked proud, Shizuka waved from Honda's shoulders ("There he is!" Honda exclaimed), Kaiba raised an eyebrow as he tread water.
Jounouchi grabbed Atem in a bear hug. "Hey, buddy," he said. "I'm so fucking glad you're here."
Atem willed himself not to cry. He hugged Jounouchi back, laying his head on Jounouchi's broad, solid shoulders. "Thank you," he whispered.
When they pulled away, Jounouchi's eyes glanced down.
Atem couldn't breathe.
Their eyes met. Jounouchi's were wet. Atem's heart sunk.
Jounouchi took Atem's hands in his and gripped them. "I'm so fucking glad you're here."
Atem exhaled a shaky laugh and let Jounouchi pull him towards everyone else.
They all stayed in the water for hours, forgetting to reapply sunscreen, forgetting food, forgetting anything other than splashing and swimming and riding each other's shoulders and seeing who could hold their breath underwater the longest and dunking each other (Mokuba bravely got his brother, and Atem thought Jounouchi would go blue, he was laughing so hard).
Atem actually found himself smiling.
The sun was past its peak when they all decided they should maybe eat something.
The only casualties of coming to shore were Jounouchi, Mokuba, and Bakura, victims of an enthusiastic wave that knocked them over and flipped them upside down. All three came up spluttering. Atem saw Kaiba move towards Mokuba, who gave his brother a wide grin and a loud laugh.
Kaiba stilled, and a small smile touched his lips.
"Invigorating!" Bakura guffawed, hitting a coughing Jounouchi on the back. "Damn, we're alive, huh?"
"Yeah," Jounouchi croaked.
They settled on the blanket, some wrapping towels around themselves, some staying dripping wet. Mai passed around her covert alcohol, explaining what each was and how strong it was, and emphatically telling them all, "If you get fucked up, you are not getting back in the water. I'll make sure of that."
Atem's stomach was empty, but he worried. He hadn't taken his medicine, couldn't remember if he'd brought it, and he didn't want to get sick in public.
"Oh," Ryou said, a little point towards Atem. "I made something for you." He pulled out an oblong shape wrapped in cloth. "Here."
Atem took it, confused. He pulled back the cloth.
A loaf of bread.
"It should be from a recipe from, um, you know. Around your time," Ryou said, a little sheepish. His fair skin was blazing red from the sun. "I hope you like it."
"It's good," Bakura said. "I've eaten, like, five loaves."
Ryou nodded. "He's kind of not exaggerating."
Atem broke off a small piece and nibbled. It was good. A memory tugged at the back of his mind; the taste of rich bread, long ago, snuck out of an oven, hands hot hot hot. But giggling, giggling, pulling apart hot bread with a friend– I have a friend, a friend, a friend– chewing with open, scalding mouths from the heat.
This bread was cool and solid, handed to him by another friend, who looked at him expectantly. Atem saw worry pass over Ryou's face. "You don't like it," Ryou said, less a question than a statement.
"I do," Atem said. "It tastes–" Like home, he almost said. "–really good."
Ryou grinned. "I'm glad."
Yugi scooted closer to Atem, so that their legs touched.
I have friends. I have friends.
He looked around at them all. They talked and laughed and passed around the alcohol, pouring it into cups, sometimes making faces from the strength (Otogi never did. He prided himself on it). Pulling out snacks and putting the food in the center of their circle, Jounouchi eagerly reaching in, Bakura close behind. Kaiba teased, Jounouchi bristled, and Bakura fired back easily, earning a "Hah!" from the elder Kaiba. A fond, relieved smile spread across Mokuba's face.
Something relaxed in Atem. It had begun the moment Jounouchi hugged him in the water, and suddenly hit him now, fully, like its own wave.
Relief. Gods, it was relief.
I have friends.
Yugi tentatively reached out and gently stroked Atem's leg with his thumb. "You okay?" he whispered.
"Yes," Atem said. He looked over to Yugi, into his eyes, and smiled. "I'm okay."