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Donnie was very upset with Splinter.
They were supposed to venture into the Hidden City together - Donnie needed to find some parts to figure out a new machine powered by mystic energy, while his dad wanted to get a new limited edition DVD set of some popular drama. Donatello had high hopes for their trip - he imagined them having a meaningful conversation on the way there, walking around some extra stores together, maybe getting some snacks so they could watch his dad’s drama together in the evening (even if he thought they were uninteresting and immature, he wouldn’t say no to some quality time with dad). In his mind, this was supposed to be a great day of father-son bonding, just the two of them and a city to explore. He wanted to tell his dad about the newest invention and get his input on the parts from the mystical side of things maybe since the rat had a better understanding of them. This would do wonders for their relationship.
His hopes died pretty fast when just after they got the DVD set, which Splinter insisted they do first, his father asked him to call Leo “on his weird bracelet” so he could be portalled home. Donnie suggested they go back home together after they get the part, saying it wouldn’t take long and the store is just a few blocks away. That was met only with his Dad’s laughter.
“You’ve always been the funny one, Purple. My show can’t wait! There are a bunch of deleted scenes on this baby and I need to watch them, now.”
Donnie tried to hide his disappointment when he was calling Leo. Soon enough, a blue portal opened just in front of them.
“Hop in, Pops, this will take you straight to the living room!” the slider said with a wide smile.
Splinter hummed to himself, hugged his precious DVD set tighter, and jumped into the portal.
“Don-Tron, you coming?” Leo asked, only his head and shoulders sticking out of the pool of blue energy.
“I’m not done. Don’t worry, I’ll get myself home alone, I won’t bother you.”
“Just so you know, you can. I don’t have anything planned.”
Donnie didn’t look at him.
“Look, I’m… I’m sorry. I know how Dad is. Just, find me when you’re back if you need it, we can chill together,” Leo said with a sad smile before disappearing.
Donnie huffed. Maybe he will take his twin up on the offer. Leo knew very well that while Don loved his alone time, sometimes the presence of another person helped him to stay calm. They often just sat together in silence, doing their own things. It helped both of them, really - Leo dealt with his own stuff and in actuality, he was usually the one suggesting what they called “quiet hangs”.
For now, the parts. That was one of the reasons he came here, clearly more important than his delusions about having a positive experience with his dad. After all, the new invention will help keep them all safe, and that was his job. It was selfish to mope about his feelings being hurt - he had a responsibility to prevent some real hurt.
***
Donatello made it to the lair about an hour later. He hoped that picking parts, analyzing what would be best to use, and exploring new possibilities in his mind would help his mood, but that was not the case. He still felt like a child.
Because that’s what it was - childish behavior. Oh no, my daddy doesn’t love me, poor little old me! Donatello was too old and the pattern of their previous interactions was too strong for this whole situation to upset him this much. Really, it wasn’t surprising, and the fact he even hoped for this time to be different meant he wasn’t as smart as he thought.
Is that why Splinter won’t spend time with him? Was he not good enough? Maybe if he was only smarter, funnier, better. Maybe then his dad would notice him.
But if he didn’t manage to get good enough in all his years, how could he do so now? He always tried. He was coming up with new inventions all the time, upgrading the old ones, making sure he was as useful as possible. Not only in creating tech to make their fights easier and keep their home and family secure but also in some simpler things. Better speakers and projectors so Dad could enjoy his shows. A microwave programmed so popcorn was always perfectly popped - not one piece burned and not one piece uncooked, a new reclining chair that automatically adjusted to posture changes and came with massage add-ons, a voice-controlled remote so Splinter could use it even if he didn’t want to reach for it or if it got lost somewhere. Every idea Donatello had to make the lives of his family easier, he turned into a reality. Because they were the best and deserved the best.
And yet, that was still not enough.
Donnie was well aware of his shortcomings, especially compared to his brothers. He wasn’t as strong and tough as Raph, but he also lacked his ability to solve interpersonal problems, mediate, and notice when others were in a bad mood. He wasn’t as talented as Mikey, who decorated their home in beautiful paintings and took care of almost every single meal, who always helped his brothers when they had a bad time. He was not as charismatic as Leo, he also didn’t have his portals - and god, Dad loved the portals. Donnie was so jealous sometimes. Dad would always ask for Leo, wanting him to take him places, they would go on so many trips together just because of this one ability Leo had. Every time he needed something, Leo was the answer to his problem.
Just once, Donnie wanted to be the answer.
But he knew he never would be. He wasn’t enough for his father and he wasn’t enough for his family.
Maybe if he made a machine that could do the same as the portals. But then, his dad wouldn’t need him, just the machine. And everyone would think it’s a waste of time and materials to recreate something Leo could already do with technology.
He sighed as he stepped into the kitchen. He needed to drink some water. The cold down his throat always helped him ground himself before he spiraled too far down.
Donnie filled a tall glass from the tap and leaned on the counter while chugging it all at once over the kitchen sink. He felt an itch in his fingers, wanting to get all the bad thoughts and feelings out. Not here though - he needed to get to the lab where no one would notice. They had enough on their plates, they didn’t need to babysit Donnie just because he got a little sad. He would be okay, he just needed some time to shove it all deep down in his mind.
A fleeting thought appeared in his mind. Leo offered to hang out earlier and Donnie knew it was what he needed - some company without any expectations, and maybe, if he was brave enough to ask, a quick hug. He didn’t like to ask for them, it made him feel so weak and pathetic. Even the thought of doing so made his eyes water. And every time he did gather his courage, the hugs ended too fast, or they weren’t tight enough, and he was left to wonder - did his brothers enjoy hugging him at all? Was something wrong with him? With the battleshield on, there could be too much hardness, too much coldness, too much metal. An artificial reminder that he was not as good as the others. And without it? With his softshell exposed, it was even worse. They could see and feel one of the many things that was wrong with him. Were they disgusted to touch it? The texture being so strange and different from their own? Or were they afraid to touch it too much in case it hurt Donnie? Did they see how weak he truly was, despite all his efforts to hide it?
The thought of asking Leo to spend some time together left as soon as he heard him laugh with Mikey from one of the rooms. His twin was having fun, in much better company than Donnie could ever provide. It would be wrong and selfish to ask him to stop what he’s doing just to make him sit quietly in the darkness of his lab or either of their rooms.
Dark, that was it. The lights here were too much. In the lab, he could just go sit on the cold stone floor with the lights off. That would help.
The sound of his brothers' laughs echoed throughout the lair once more. Donnie moved slowly, walking to his lab as softly as he could, to not disturb the air, to not make a sound. Like he wasn’t even there. He didn’t want to draw attention to himself. Knowing his brothers, they would know something is wrong, and he couldn’t disturb them. It was better for them, to have fun together. They deserved it. And Donnie deserved nothing more than sitting alone in a cold dark place.
He shut the door to his lab as quietly as he could. The only lights in the room came from soft purple LEDs under the ceiling. They could stay, they weren’t too much, and the ability to see at least the faint outlines of his things was comforting.
He eyed the little nook between his desk and a shelf. It was inefficient in terms of organizing the lab, but he left it empty on purpose for times just like these. A small space, with something to lean on on all sides. Safety.
He grabbed his headphones from their stand and put them over his head. He needed his mind quiet and the only way to do that was to drown out his thoughts with dangerously loud music - the kind that made your eardrums hurt.
Donnie took off his battleshell and carefully positioned it against the desk - he felt too dizzy to put it back in his proper place. That can wait. He needed to deal with whatever this silly little breakdown was first. He gently lowered himself into the nook, crossing his legs as he sat down. With one press of a button, music started to play, but it wasn’t loud enough yet. Gradually, Donnie raised the volume one by one until it reached max and he could feel the strength of the soundwaves make the inside of his ears vibrate.
Content, he closed his eyes and focused on the sound. This was good. This was loud and he could stop thinking for a moment. He placed his hands on his knees, the fingernails digging into the skin just a tiny bit. The slow rocking movement seemed to come out of nowhere, but he liked it. Back and forth, to the rhythm. Slow at first, then picking up the speed when the next song was faster.
He knew this playlist by heart. It took a lot of time to optimize it, but with enough data gathered throughout his life, it was perfect now. It started with a few songs he really liked, starting with the slowest one and then gradually getting faster. Then came his angry songs - loud, fast, and intense, mostly about rage and setting things on fire. There were a few about wanting to punch someone in the face too.
The angry songs made him rock faster, his hands now in fists and hitting his knees pretty hard. They were gonna get covered in tiny, knuckle-sized bruises, but it didn’t matter. It was calming. He hummed along to the songs, even singing some of the verses or single sounds out loud, shy and quiet and first, and then with more confidence. It was a good thing the lab was soundproofed - he didn’t need anyone hearing this. Those whole breakdowns of his were embarrassing enough even when he was alone. They would be mortifying if someone witnessed them.
He could feel himself shake. As much as he wanted to cry, he couldn’t. There were no tears in him, just all of the buzzing from different emotions, ones that seemed too big to be understood. He wanted them to go away, he wanted his mind and heart to be empty.
He raised one of his arms and bit into it just above the wrist. This was going to leave a nasty bruise as he did not hold back with the force. He opened his eyes for a second and in the faint purple light he marveled at the indents his teeth left. The pain helped too - he could feel his mind slowly drifting away. Without a second thought, he bit himself another time. And another.
Three bites decorated his forearm. He rubbed it for a moment, wanting the pain to be more even. Focusing on the feeling, he went back to humming the song that was currently playing.
After the angry songs came the sad ones. They still had a hint of anger in the lyrics, but sadness was at the front. He was still rocking fast, his upper body going from hitting the wall behind him to bending down so low his forehead was bumping on his knees. Donnie was now hugging himself, hands wrapped tightly around his upper arms, nails digging into the soft skin as hard as they could before breaking the skin, sometimes going down, leaving stinging scratches.
Because Donnie knew that as long as he didn’t bleed, this was not a problem. It wasn’t self-harm if there was no blood and he was fine, he was normal.
He was scream-singing all the songs now. He knew it was gonna take four more before the next step of his perfect breakdown plan - before the songs would start to slow down again, the lyrics would become less emotional and he would slow down.
Soon enough, exactly that happened. His hands went down to his knees as he was shaking them a little. The rocking got gentler, his breathing slowed down, the screams turned into soft humming. After a while, he started blinking his eyes, opening them for half a second only to close them again for a few more. The reality started to come back to him with three songs on the playlist left, but now it was calmer. His brain felt like it was full of air, brain turned off. No negative thoughts, just the simplest sensations - the sting of his self-inflicted bites and scratches, the feeling of how hard the floor was, the soft purple glow making it easy to focus on what he saw, the smell of metal filling the lab, the feeling of oxygen entering his lungs with ease again.
He picked himself up. This was better. Now, to finish the calming process, another big glass of water. He really should have thought about it before and brought some in with him.
Without removing his headphones, Donnie went to the kitchen. He switched the playlist to one filled with only instrumental music, to keep him grounded while he was gathering his strength to fully go back to normal. He often wore his headphones around the lair, so his family shouldn’t be suspicious.
As he was filling the same glass he used two hours earlier, his twin appeared in the kitchen, gesturing for him to take off his headphones.
“Hey Don, you alright?” Leo asked when Donnie could hear him. Quiet music was pouring out of the headphones now resting on the softshell’s neck.
Donnie opened his mouth to reassure his brother that yes, he was completely fine, but no sound came out.
Not this again.
It happened every few months. When he was calming down from a particular bad breakdown, he would find himself unable to speak. Which had no medical reason, as far as he could tell. He’s done a lot of testing for that and came to the simple conclusion that this was just the second part of his breakdown. He learned to live with it, but he still hated it when that happened. Usually, he just waited it out in his room or the lab, pretending he was busy when he was actually just staring at the walls, unable to do anything of importance.
Not wanting to worry his twin, who only saw him in that state once due to Donnie’s negligence (also known as forgetting to lock the door to his room), he just hummed affirmatively and gave Leo a thumbs-up, reaching to put his headphones back on.
“Can I touch you right now?” Leo asked before his voice could be muffled by music.
This took Donnie by surprise. Leo rarely asked, usually just going for whatever it was he wanted to do. He scrunched his eyebrows and cautiously nodded.
Leo gave him a wide grin, but not his usual one. This was a worried grin, one that jumped his brain with alarm bells. If Leo is worried, then Donnie failed at hiding his state.
And if Donnie failed at such a simple task, that meant he was a failure himself.
Because, of course, he was! First, he wasn’t good enough company for their father, then he spent two hours on the floor trying to calm himself down, then he failed to speak, and he couldn’t even deal with that all well enough to not worry his twin!
Leo’s arms were suddenly around him, pulling him into a hug. Donnie tensed at the gesture. No, no no no no no. This was bad. He wanted the touch, of course he did, he wanted his brother to hold him and not let go. But he knew that prolonged touch would result in him crying, and he couldn’t cry. He had nothing to cry about, after all. He was acting like a scared child for no reason at all.
So he didn’t hug Leo back. He just stood there stiff and frozen.
“You can just tell me no next time, you know,” Leo said while he let go of Donnie, a tint of hurt in his voice.
Donnie didn’t look up at him when Leo was leaving, focused on the floor instead. He just nodded, still stiff, not even caring if his brother saw it. He felt all his energy leaving his body, his legs getting soft and his shoulders getting heavy. He needed to lie down, now.
But he missed the warmth and pressure of Leo’s arms around him. Maybe another hug was a bad idea - Leo certainly wouldn’t want that now that his twin practically rejected him. This was so stupid, why couldn’t Donnie just hug him back? It was such a simple act and he knew Leo was sensitive to things like that. Another mistake, another failure. He could deal with it if his failures only hurt himself, but he hated it when they did so to his family.
But maybe, just maybe, Leo would still be willing to sit in a room with him like he previously offered. Maybe it would be nice for both of them.
Donnie wanted to ask him, he even started to type it on his phone, but then he heard Splinter asking Leo to portal to the store to get him something quickly.
Leo was busy. Leo was useful. Leo had their father's love because he deserved it.
Leo wouldn’t want to sit with someone useless in a silent room.
Donnie shook his head and went back to his lab. Exactly the same as the last time, quietly and softly, so no one would notice. He was enough of a bother, the least he could do was avoid them so they wouldn’t get annoyed by his presence, especially in this useless state.
His arms and legs were heavy. He was tired. The music playing in his headphones suddenly got too loud, so he took them off with the same slow, soft movements. He couldn’t make himself go any faster.
He lowered himself to the floor, carefully placing the now turned-off headphones next to him. He curled into a little ball just next to the closed door, he had no energy to move further. And floor was good. Floor was safe. Floor was rough and cold and hard. Just like he should have been. Not this weak mess, but a stable and mature individual who knows how to look okay even when he’s not, or at least someone who knows how to return hugs.
He stared at a lone screw lying under one of the tables. He will have to pick it up later. But for now, he was gonna stay like that for a little while. Just staring at the screw, head either completely empty or filled with bad thoughts. Maybe for five hours or so.