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Luo Binghe had a bad day and it was all Luo Binghe’s fault. Luo Binghe had taken the life that Luo Binghe should have had, with the childhood he was denied and the Shizun he deserved. Why was Luo Binghe cossetted and indulged while Luo Binghe was not? Why was Luo Binghe loved? Even with 600 wives, Luo Binghe had never experienced love as a grown man. Love was a dream of childhood, snuffed out too soon.
Luo Binghe’s loss at Luo Binghe’s hands could not be borne. He would have his revenge, but revenge required allies. He knew exactly where to find them.
The Northern Palace looked different to how Luo Binghe remembered it. The façade was as imposing as ever (not that he had ever felt imposed), but there were children’s toys all over the ground, outside and in, and innumerable bite marks on the walls. It was like a horde of squirrel-rats had taken over the place.
Luo Binghe made his way to the inner palace, where his throne resided. Mobei-Jun would be residing over court in his place, given that it was the middle of the day.
The Court was empty.
Luo Binghe was not impressed. Was this Mobei-Jun as weak-willed and useless as his imposter?
He headed to the harem. The servants dipped their heads to him even before they saw him. At least this Mobei-Jun maintained discipline, even if he could not manage the palace.
The wards to the harem hummed in confusion as he approached, but still let him pass. The harem was the most different of all the places he had seen since he entered this nightmare reality. The interior was much smaller and more brightly coloured than it should have been. The ground was covered in even more toys and the walls in even more bite marks.
Just how many children did his imposter have? And how few cats? Surely, they could afford a few cats to sort out the pest problem.
Before Luo Binghe could continue his quest to find an ally, one appeared. She came from the western entrance to the harem, with her hand on her hip and a tall glass in her hand. She was the most vicious and alluring of his wives, the most loyal, the most sexually creative…
“Ling’er!” Luo Binghe cried.
Sha Hualing took a sip from the glass (it had a straw) and curled her lip at him.
“Who the fuck are you?” she asked.
Ouch.
“I am your Lord husband,” Luo Binghe said. “Luo Binghe. Ruler of the two realms, conqueror of all that be…”
“And I am a delicious jar of pickles,” She Hualing replied.
She took another sip of her drink. It was a milky brown colour with dark spheres at the bottom. She chewed on one and nodded her head in satisfaction.
The disrespect!
“If I am not your Lord, then why do I have the sigil of the heavenly demons upon my head?” Luo Binghe asked.
Sha Hualing shrugged. “Maybe you’re his cousin?”
“Cousin?” Luo Binghe asked.
“Yeah, BingBong already has one cousin, why not more?”
“You call your Lord… BingBong?”
Sha Hualing nodded. “But to be fair, I only call him that when I think it will really annoy him.”
Luo Binghe might not understand this garbage reality, but he did understand Sha Hualing. Even this version of her carried the essence of the true self.
“So, all the time?” Luo Binghe asked.
“Pretty much.”
Luo Binghe made a mental note to call his imposter ‘BingBong’ when next he saw him.
“Where is Mobei-Jun?” Luo Binghe asked. “I must speak with him.”
“He’s on baby duty today, I figured I’d say ‘hey’ and see how he was doing. You can come with.”
Luo Binghe nodded regally. Sha Hualing was wildly irresponsible, but at least she was irresponsible in his favour.
She led him into the harem, past several rooms decorated in bright primary and secondary colours. There were many fantastical contraptions painted on the walls, including a pointy, grey object with wings, not entirely dissimilar to a bird.
Mobei-Jun was in the last room down the hall, walking in slow circles around an arhat couch. He had dark blue circles around his eyes and a haunted expression. His hair usually immaculate hair was limp and greasy. His clothes looked as if they hadn’t been washed in days.
He had a small bundle in his arms. When he saw Luo Binghe a light bloomed in his dark eyes and he held the bundle out to him.
“Take her,” he said. “Please.”
Luo Binghe took it. He looked down and saw that it was a baby. It blinked up at him with bright, crystal-blue eyes.
Luo Binghe wasn’t much of a father, but he did like children. This one was quite good, as babies went. It hadn’t cried or fussed at him. An improvement over many of his own efforts.
He stroked its soft, chubby cheek with his index finger.
“You know that’s not Binghe, right?” Sha Hualing asked.
“I don’t care,” Mobei-Jun replied.
He stumbled over to the couch and laid down, facing away from them. His body went limp with sleep immediately. Sha Hualing shook her head.
“Post-partem’s getting to him,” she said. “Snowball was so easy that he thought a second one wouldn’t be any trouble. Watch your digits.”
“Huh?” he said.
He felt a puff of air and pulled his finger back just in time to avoid getting it bitten off. The baby smiled at him and showed him a mouth full of serrated, shark-like teeth. It giggled and clapped its hands with delight.
“Who’s my good girl?” Sha Hualing cooed. “You’re such a good girl! You almost had him!”
Luo Binghe looked down at the child that had almost dismembered him and felt an unfamiliar emotion. He thought it might be respect.
“What is this one’s name?” Luo Binghe asked.
“Gogo,” Sha Hualing said. “It’s short for ‘Good God, look at those teeth’.”
“Excellent,” Luo Binghe replied.
He should take this baby with him and make it his heir.
“You can’t keep her,” Sha Hualing said.
“You dare to order your Lord?” Luo Binghe asked.
Sha Hualing took the baby from his arms without his permission. She bounced it in her arms and earned herself a happy squeal that Luo Binghe wanted for himself.
“Her daddy would kill you!” Sha Hualing said, in a baby-voice. “Yes, he would! He would turn you into fertiliser!”
Luo Binghe snorted. “I could take Mobei-Jun in a fight.” Especially now. The demon was half dead.
“Not that daddy!” Sha Hualing replied.
“How did it get two fathers?” Luo Binghe asked.
Sha Hualing stopped bouncing the baby. She looked at Luo Binghe with wide eyes.
“You really are cousins,” she said.
“I got ripped off,” Luo Binghe said, half an hour of explanations later.
At least Sha Hualing had given him the baby back. It had tried to bite Luo Binghe 17 times.
“It’s how you use it, man, I dunno what else to tell you,” Sha Hualing said.
“How would you know?” Luo Binghe asked. He was well aware that she hadn’t banged BingBong. BingBong was a monogamous loser.
“I’ve done it with a human!” she said. “It was pretty alright. He only cried a little bit.”
“What did you do to him?” Luo Binghe asked.
“I was nice to him,” she replied. “I guess people aren’t nice to him that often? Seems tough being a sect leader.”
“I’m sorry what?” Luo Binghe asked.
Mobei-Jun snapped upright on the couch in front of them. His eyes were wide and terrified.
“Where’s my baby?” he cried.
“Here! Damn, Mobei…” Sha Hualing took the baby from Luo Binghe’s arms and returned it to its father. Luo Binghe felt bereft.
“Did I give my daughter to a stranger?” Mobei-Jun asked, shaken.
Luo Binghe had never seen the man express an emotion before. It was unnerving, but he couldn’t blame him. Gogo was a fine warrior, likely coveted by many.
“Don’t worry Mobei,” Sha Hualing said, reassuringly. “He’s Binghe’s cousin.”
“Oh,” Mobei-Jun said. “Alright then.”
Mobei-Jun leaned back on the couch and cuddled his daughter to his chest. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“You doing okay?” Sha Hualing asked.
Mobei-Jun’s lower lip wobbled and his eyes filled with tears. “I’m fine,” he said.
“How’s about cousin Luo and I take Gogo for a little walk while you take a bath?” Sha Hualing said. “How does that sound?”
Mobei-Jun looked even more miserable. Sha Hualing reached over and gave him a hug. Mobei-Jun began to cry.
Truly, this reality was the strangest of them all.
Sha Hualing finally convinced Mobei-Jun to wash with the promise that she would care for his child with her life and would bring him something called a ‘slushie’. She also sent the servants into the harem as she left, so, Mobei-Jun would return to a clean home when he was done with his ablutions.
“Where are we going?” Luo Binghe asked.
Sha Hualing had let him carry the baby again, but only so he’d stop looking like ‘a sad sack of shit’.
“We’re getting bubble tea,” Sha Hualing said. “It’s awesome. Qinghua invented it.”
“Qinghua?” Luo Binghe said. “As in, Shang Qinghua?”
“One and the same.”
“That little rat is still alive?”
Gogo’s pupils narrowed to slits and she growled at him. Luo Binghe felt a pang of hurt.
“Oop, don’t talk bad about her dad, she’ll take your arm off,” Sha Hualing said.
Mobei-Jun had a child with Shang Qinghua? No. That actually made a lot of sense, when he thought about it.
“The only reason Consort Shen still has his, is because she got the sleeve first,” Sha Hualing added.
Gogo growled again, but louder.
Luo Binghe blinked. “You don’t like Shen Qingqiu?” he asked.
Gogo hissed.
“I hate him too!” Luo Binghe said.
Gogo perked up. “Buh?” she asked.
“He’s the worst! He has no respect for other people’s feelings.”
Gogo put her hand on Luo Binghe’s heart with great solemnity.
“Boo,” she said.
“I accept your fealty and will return your loyalty ten-fold,” Luo Binghe replied. “When we capture Shen Qingqiu you can have one of his legs.”
Luo Binghe wanted shizun’s love, but it would take a long time, and probably a few limbs, before he forgave him.
“You’re messed up,” Sha Hualing said.
Luo Binghe wasn’t going to argue with her. She was wrong, but she was too stubborn to convince otherwise.
“Alright, we’re here.” They stopped in front of a stall. It had a stylised eagle on the banner beside text which read ‘Soaring Eagle Tea’. A short, fluffy demon stood behind the counter with an eager expression on her face.
“I’ll buy,” Sha Hualing said, magnanimously. “What do you want?”
“I’ve never tried it before, what do you recommend?”
“We have a new product, if you’d like to try it!” the service-demon said. “They’re called popping pearls and this month only, they’re half price!”
“They’re pretty good,” Sha Hualing said.
“What are the flavours?” Luo Binghe asked.
“Salmon, tuna, trout and lychee!” she replied.
“Lychee,” Sha Hualing said, derisively. “Disgusting.”
“I know, but we have a lot of humans come through and they really like it…” the service demon said.
“One bubble tea, zero sugar and ice, with two serves of salmon popping pearls, a trout slushie and… what are you having?” Sha Hualing asked.
Luo Binghe perused the menu. He’d never seen anything like it. He’d merged the realms in his own reality, but never like this. Not with tasty drinks and animal mascots.
This was more of a blow to his pride than meeting the other Shen Qingqiu had been.
“Jasmine tea, full sugar, no ice… and lychee pearls,” he said.
The service-demon winced a little bit but nodded anyway.
“The customer is always right in matters of taste,” she said.
“Is he though?” Sha Hualing asked.
BongBong arrived at the Northern Palace half a day after the other Luo Binghe fled from Qing Jing peak. He’d been unable to find him in the human realm, so he travelled to the Northern Palace to find his generals (and only friends) so they might assist him.
Instead, he found Luo Binghe sitting on Mobei-Jun’s couch, reading a story book to his children. Sha Hualing was seated, cross-legged, on the floor, also listening.
“What are you doing?” BingBong asked.
“Reading,” Luo Binghe said. “Obviously.”
“We’re at the best part,” Sha Hualing replied.
“See Spot run,” Luo Binghe said. “Run, Spot, run!”
BongBong’s jaw dropped. He looked at Sha Hualing with betrayal.
“I can’t believe you’d do this,” BingBong said.
Sha Hualing and Luo Binghe picked up their bubble teas and took a simultaneous sip.
“I’m sorry,” Sha Hualing said. “If we’d known you were coming, we’d have gotten you one too.”