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The human world was painted in a sickly palette of green and brown, with a blue sky the colour of a long-dead fish. It was usually cold, and if it wasn’t cold it was rainy or cloyingly humid. Most of the animals were furry and non-venomous. Humans were even worse. If they didn’t wear clothes they died, either from embarrassment or the weather . It was an unpleasant place full of strange, weak people. Sha Hualing wouldn’t have visited it at all, if her best friend didn’t live there.
“Alright, so, what do we say?” Sha Hualing asked.
Snowball smiled brightly at her.
“I love you!” Snowball chirped.
“Not bad, but I was looking for fight me ,” she said.
“I love you!” Snowball replied, once more.
“Fight me.”
Snowball pressed his cheek against her thigh and hugged her leg. He looked up at her, his big blue eyes scrunched up into crescents. He really did take after his daddy, without the cowering.
“Iluvoo,” Snowball whispered.
“Your dedication is outstanding, I’ll give you that,” Sha Hualing said.
Sha Hualing didn’t have Mobei-Jun’s ability to create portals, but Shang Qinghua had helped make an array outside her house that let her travel to An Ding Peak. None of the other eleven Peak Lords had been too happy about that, until Shang Qinghua threatened to stop working at all if they didn’t approve his babysitter. He’d even shouted for a bit, about appreciation and toilet paper, and thankless bastards who didn’t understand the efforts of a working parent. Sha Hualing had loved every minute of it. It was the most demonic he’d ever looked.
In the end, she was allowed to keep her array and Shang Qinghua was able to keep his babysitter.
A lot of the time, Sha Hualing would take Snowball home with her anyway, so he could play with her younger siblings for a while and do demon things. He’d learned a lot! But he’d also started teaching the other children some challenging behaviours.
Exhibit A, I love you!
They all thought it at some point, but nobody would actually say it. It was worse than the ‘c’ bomb1. Sha Hualing’s parents were having a conniption fit. Snowball wasn’t allowed to come play until he stopped.
“We’ll practice more tomorrow,” Sha Hualing said.
She patted Snowball on the head and he pushed into her hand like a little housecat. Housecats were the only other thing in the human realm that Sha Hualing liked. They were another pointlessly furry animal, but their fur hid needle-like teeth and claws, and soft cuddly bellies.
“Okay, time to go find Daddy,” Sha Hualing said.
She swung Snowball up into her arms and settled him on her hip. If she held him any other way, the humans would get distressed. Their children apparently stopped working if you carried them upside down.
It was nice when he rested his head on her shoulder, though.
Shang Qinghua wasn’t on his peak that day. He’d made an appointment with Consort Shen, so Sha Hualing had to return him to Qing Jing peak. It was several thousand steps further up a mountain than An Ding, but Sha Hualing didn’t mind. Today was leg day.
A pair of Liu Qingge’s kids were walking down the stairs as she ascended. She recognised them. She’d thrown both of them off their mountain multiple times in the last few months. What were their names? Wong and Hu? She didn’t know if they had second names. Humans seemed to have a lot of names, in general. And titles. These ones were ‘shidi’, she thought.
In any case, she was quite fond of Bai Zhan peak. Its cultivators were very playful, as humans went. A few of them would come to meet her every time she went to visit Liu Qingge.
“Hey boys!” Sha Hualing cried.
“Demon!” Wong-shidi shouted.
“Human!” she replied.
Wong-shidi’s face turned red.
“Where did you get a baby?” Hu-shidi asked.
He moved his hand to his sword. Little rascal.
“He’s Shang Qinghua’s kid,” she said. “I’m babysitting, aren’t I, baby?”
Snowball held his chubby little arms out towards the disciples.
“Shishi!” Snowball couldn’t pronounce human honorifics yet, “I love you!”
His smile was so bright that Hu-shidi and Wong-shidi seemed blinded by it. That or they were shocked by his forwardness. Snowball just had too much of the ‘l’ word to give.
“Ah,” Hu-shidi replied. “Thank you, young master.”
Snowball’s smile fell into a tiny frown. One of his baby fangs was snagged over his lower lip. He stretched his arms out further, beseechingly.
“I love you…” he said, sadly.
Sha Hualing gave him a little squeeze.
“Hey buddy, remember that not everybody likes four letter words,” she chided, gently.
Snowball looked at her as if the world was ending. His eyes glittered like stars. He whimpered, then tucked his head into the curve of her neck. Sha Hualing ran her hand over his hair comfortingly.
Before them, Wong-shidi and Hu-shidi seemed to be having an enthusiastic shoving competition.
“You do it!” Hu-shidi hissed, as he pushed Wong-shidi forward.
Wong-shidi’s face was even redder than it had been. His lips were a long, thin line and his brows resembled angry caterpillars, butting heads. He held his hands out in a salute and bowed deeply at the waist.
“Many apologies, young master,” Wong-shidi said. “We... love you, too.”
Snowball’s smile reappeared as quickly as if it had never left. He turned in Sha Hualing’s hold and held his hands out once more. Wong-shidi looked at him with the terror of a person who had never held a baby before.
“Here you go!” Sha Hualing said, as she handed Snowball over.
The trick to making other people hold a baby, was to let go before the other person had a chance to say ‘no’.
“Ah!” Wong-shidi cried.
Snowball wrapped his arms around Wong-shidi’s neck and cooed, happily. Wong-shidi went as still as a deer that knew a predator was nearby.
“Gentle hug,” Snowball said.
Wong-shidi patted Snowball’s back. His eyes were as wide as plates, but the wirey tension in his shoulders began to release. He breathed in deep and then relaxed into a long, peaceful sigh.
“Oh,” he said. “This is nice.”
Hu-shidi watched his martial sibling with wariness. He shuffled his feet for a moment.
“Do you want a hug from me too?” Hu-shidi asked, as he looked at the ground.
Wong-shidi looked disappointed as Snowball pulled away from their hug so he could hold his arms out to Hu-shidi. Hu-shidi took Snowball into his arms with a little more confidence than his (martial?) brother had. Snowball put his hands on Hu-shidi’s cheeks.
“Yes, thank you,” Hu-shidi mumbled.
“Be good,” Snowball said.
Sha Hualing took that as her cue to take him back. Hu-shidi didn’t let go immediately, but he was wise enough not to get into a tug of war with her. Sha Hualing settled Snowball’s comforting weight against her hip once more.
“Off we go,” Sha Hualing said.
“Goodbye, young master,” Hu-shidi and Wong-shidi replied, in concert.
“Bye bye!” Snowball cried.
“Tell your dad I said ‘hi’,” Sha Hualing said, with a final wave of farewell.
“What?” Wong-shidi replied.
Liu Qingge’s kids were a lot of fun, but they were kind of slow sometimes. They couldn’t handle basic instructions like ‘dodge’ or ‘roll’ or ‘tell your dad I said ‘hi’’. Maybe that wasn’t such a problem. Shang Qinghua said they kept all the smart ones on An Ding.
Sha Hualing knew that she had arrived at Qing Jing when the trees gave way to strange green sticks that erupted from the ground. Mobei-Jun had told her that the sticks could be used to make furniture and other things, but Sha Hualing couldn’t see the point. Green was such an ugly colour. Consort Shen chose to wear it all the time, because he had terrible taste.
The guards at the Peak gate cowered at her as she walked by them. She had no idea what trauma they’d endured to make them so wimpish, but it must’ve been pretty bad. Maybe they’d accidentally gone outside without clothes on.
Thankfully, Sha Hualing had been to Qing Jing enough that she knew where Consort Shen’s home was without help. She followed a stone path that weaved through the stick forest and over a still pond filled with dark water. As she passed the reception hall, she saw more humans who also cowered, though a little less. She chose not to wave at them, because the last time she did, one fainted.
Consort Shen’s home was, thankfully, the next building around the bend. It was smaller than one might expect of the spouse of the Supreme Overlord of all demons. Sha Hualing had never been inside, because Consort Shen had never invited her. She wasn’t cut up about it. Consort Shen’s house was probably as boring as he was.
Shang Qinghua and Consort Shen were seated outside the house on the veranda, and were engaged in a game of Weiqi, which Shang Qinghua was losing.
“I don’t understand how you can be so utterly terrible at this game after all these years,” Consort Shen said disdainfully.
Snowball perked up like a fireweasel smelling blood. His face scrunched up and a tiny growl began to vibrate through his chest.
“Bro, don’t be mean, you know I have a short attention span,” Shang Qinghua replied.
Sha Hualing was excited. Consort Shen was beloved throughout the human cultivation world and tolerated with mild confusion in the demonic one, with one exception.
“Daddy!” Snowball cried.
Shang Qinghua face broke into a smile as he turned towards his son. He jumped up from his seat and bounded across Consort Shen’s garden. Consort Shen’s face twisted with disgruntlement.
“My Baobei-Jun!” Shang Qinghua said. “How was your day with Aunty Hualing?”
“I love you,” Snowball replied, very seriously.
“Aw,” Shang Qinghua said. “I love you too.”
Consort Shen rose elegantly and walked over to greet them at a more sedate pace. He inclined his head slightly towards Sha Hualing, with an unimpressed look upon his face. Sha Hualing suspected that he was still a bit mad that she’d tried to fuck his husband a few times, back before he was Consort Shen’s husband. Humans were so weird about sex.
Snowball held his arms out, so Sha Hualing passed him to his father with only mild reluctance. Shang Qinghua touched his nose against Snowball’s affectionately and earned himself a smile and a giggle in response. Snowball hugged his father lovingly, then turned in his arms and leveled a positively frigid look at Consort Shen.
Consort Shen went still. Snowball was Sha Hualing’s bestie for a lot of reasons, but this one was probably the most amusing.
“Good day, Snowball,” Consort Shen said politely.
“ Fight me .” Snowball snarled.
Sha Hualing threw her hands into the air.
“That’s my boy!” she cried.
Consort Shen might not have been willing to fight a baby, but he was probably willing to fight Sha Hualing, so she beat a speedy retreat off his mountain. She wouldn’t have minded roughing him up, it was just that Luo Binghe got very, very angry about that sort of thing. Not the fun sort of angry. The kind of angry that ended in a beheading.
Sha Hualing liked her head where it was, thank you very much.
Mobei-Jun sent Sha Hualing flying through Luo Binghe’s newly built garden wall. She landed flat in the middle of a patch of very expensive medicinal flowers. Her body had made a crater in the bed, so Sha Hualing didn’t hold out a lot of hope that Luo Binghe would be able to salvage many of them.
“Are you unwell?” Mobei-Jun asked.
She Hualing sat up and spat out a piece of masonry.
“I’m fine,” she said.
“You don’t seem to be having as much fun as you normally do,” he replied.
He inclined his head pointedly towards Luo Binghe, who had gone non-verbal. Luo Binghe’s hands were clenched in his own hair, and a high-pitched sound was coming out of his mouth, like tea from a boiling kettle.
“How expensive do you think these were?” Sha Hualing asked, as she levered herself up and out of the garden. Luo Binghe groaned quietly as her foot snapped a previously unmolested flower stalk.
“Not so much expensive as vanishingly rare, I believe,” Mobei-Jun replied.
“I’m beginning to think that he likes us ruining his stuff,” Sha Hualing said.
“You are deflecting,” Mobei-Jun said.
Sha Hualing glared at him. Mobei-Jun blinked in reply.
“Yeah, yeah,” Sha Hualing said. “I’ve just been thinking, is all.”
“About what?”
“I don’t think I have anyone in my life who’d fight someone for me,” she said.
Mobei-Jun frowned. “Why would you need anyone to fight for you? You are the Saintess of the demonic world.”
Sha Hualing shook her head. “It’s not a logical thing. Look at Luo Binghe…”
Luo Binghe was still moaning in horror a few feet away from them. His fingers were clawed against his cheeks, as if he had a particularly bad itch that needed to be scratched.
“Consort Shen probably doesn’t need Luo Binghe to torture all his enemies,” Sha Hualing said. “But Luo Binghe does it anyway, to show his excessive and inappropriate affections.”
Mobei-Jun nodded.
“Ah, I see,” he said.
“And I know your human can’t rip off heads, but he has bankrupted the peach farms of everyone who has ever stood against you.”
Mobei-Jun’s lips curved ever so slightly upward. Sha Hualing looked away. Exposure to Snowball had helped innoculate her against Mobei-Jun’s smiles, but she would never fully get used to it.
“I want to find someone too,” Sha Hualing concluded.
“There are benefits to relationships,” Mobei-Jun said. “I am most satisfied with mine.”
Sha Hualing sighed, loudly. It was salt to her wounds.
“How did you work that out in the first place?” she asked.
“With great difficulty,” Mobei-Jun replied.
Sha Hualing narrowed her eyes at him.
“We met when we were quite young, under dramatic circumstances,” he elaborated. “There were a great deal of cultural misunderstandings.”
“I can’t replicate childhood romance,” Sha Hualing replied, dismissively. “Hey, Binghe, how’d you seal the deal with Consort Shen?”
“What?” Luo Binghe asked, his eyes still focused on his ruined garden.
“How’d you meet Consort Shen?” Sha Hualing said.
Luo Binghe finally looked up. A pink blush made its way up his neck and onto his cheeks. He opened his mouth. No words came out.
“Consort Shen was his teacher since young. And legal guardian,” Mobei-Jun replied, helpfully.
“Isn’t that an ethics violation?” Sha Hualing asked.
Luo Binghe glared. “That is a gross oversimplification of our relationship.”
“Consort Shen had not had such a connection with Lord Luo for many years prior to the commencement of their romantic partnership,” Mobei-Jun clarified.
“Oh, that’s not so bad,” Sha Hualing said, with a nod.
“Our relationship is perfectly normal,” Luo Binghe said.
Mobei-Jun turned towards Sha Hualing and shook his head ever-so-slightly. Sha Hualing sighed again.
“Come on guys, I need some advice on dating humans, can’t you give me anything better?” she asked.
“Why humans specifically?” Luo Binghe said. “Why not demons too?”
“Oh yeah, that,” Sha Hualing replied. “It’s so they’ll have someone to talk to when we go on group holidays.”
“They should be a cultivator, then, because Shang Qinghua and Consort Shen can be a little cliquey,” Mobei-Jun said.
“Good point.”
“Group holidays?” Luo Binghe asked.
Sha Hualing and Mobei-Jun exchanged a judgmental look that put another frown on Luo Binghe’s face. Mobei-Jun inclined the palm of his hand toward Sha Hualing. This explanation would be hers.
“Okay, so, group holidays are when you go on holiday,” Sha Hualing said. “But as a group.”
Luo Binghe glared. “I know what words mean!” he said.
“Agree to disagree,” Sha Hualing replied.
“Perhaps Lord Luo has never gone on a group holiday because he has no other friends,” Mobei-Jun suggested.
Luo Binghe was, once again, close to courting apoplexy. However, that wasn’t exactly the goal for the day. For once in her life, Sha Hualing decided to de-escalate a situation.
“Hey, it’s not judgment! Mobei-Jun doesn’t have any other friends either,” she said.
“It’s true,” Mobei-Jun replied.
Luo Binghe’s face slowly began to relax, his pique replaced by a pout.
“I have friends,” Luo Binghe said, mulishly.
“You don’t,” Sha Hualing said.
“Ning-”
“She doesn’t count,” Sha Hualing replied.
“She’s a colleague, really,” Mobei-Jun added.
“Shizun’s my friend,” Luo Binghe said.
Luo Binghe was so lucky he’d met Sha Hualing, because he’d be entirely tragic otherwise. So would Mobei-Jun, but probably less so, because Shang Qinghua kept him entertained on a daily basis. Shang Qinghua was never boring, unlike some other humans Sha Hualing could name.
“Mobei-Jun and I are the only friends you have who don’t also fellate you,” she said.
“Mm,” Mobei-Jun replied.
“Verbally or otherwise.”
“ Mm. ”
“Why do you never seem to remember that I am your Lord?” Luo Binghe asked.
Sha Hualing didn’t bother to dignify that with a response. Instead she clapped her hands together with an air of finality.
“In any case! My point is that when we go on group holidays-”
“Which we can do now that Snowball is more physically independent.”
“-I want a partner so I won’t be an awkward fifth wheel when we go to dinner. But if I have a partner, I wouldn’t want them to feel left out when us three go out to do friend things on our own.”
“This could be resolved if we had another mutual friend,” Mobei-Jun said. “However, we do not, and based on our social abilities this is unlikely to change.”
“So I need a human that Consort Shen and Shang Qinghua could hang out with, without it being awkward,” She Hualing concluded.
Luo Binghe frowned, then he sighed.
“Please let it not be Liu Qingge,” he asked.
If there were a shortlist, which there wasn’t, Liu Qingge would be on it, so Sha Hualing chose to say nothing.
“I think you need to ask someone with a better relationship history than ours.” Mobei-Jun inclined his finger towards himself and then Luo Binghe. “Lord Luo and I cannot help you.”
“Am I lonely?” Luo Binghe asked, his voice lost.
Sha Hualing slung an arm around Luo Binghe’s shoulder and gave him a friendly pat on the chest. It was like smacking granite. He was in such a gentle mood that he didn’t even try to bite her hand off.
“Nah, you’re fine,” she said. “I’m worth ten friends and one solid enemy.”
Mobei-Jun nodded in agreement. Luo Binghe was silent for about a minute, as he often was when they hung out. He wasn’t very good at thinking and talking at the same time.
“Well, okay then,” Luo Binghe replied, eventually. “I may have a resource for you.”
“Thanks! That’d be great!” Sha Hualing replied.
Sha Hualing sat at a tasteful, low table and took a sip of fresh green tea. The home she was visiting was decorated in Southern Demon style, with airy silks covering the windows in deference to the heat. She hadn’t seen her contact in years, but she was glad to learn that they had retired quietly as opposed to the alternative.
“What would you need me for?” they asked, as they reclined opposite her.
“Romantic advice,” Sha Hualing said.
“Then you’ve come to the right place,” Tianlang-Jun replied.