Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

On Turning Ten by Billy Collins

The whole idea of it makes me feel

like I'm coming down with something,

something worse than any stomach ache

or the headaches I get from reading in bad light-

a kind of measles of the spirit,

a mumps of the psyche,

a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,

but that is because you have forgotten

the perfect simplicity of being one

and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.

But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.

At four I was an Arabian wizard.

I could make myself invisible

by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.

At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window

watching the late afternoon light.

Back then it never fell so solemnly

against the side of my tree house,

and my bicycle never leaned against the garage

as it does today,

all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,

as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.

It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,

time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe

there was nothing under my skin but light.

If you cut me I would shine.

But now if I fall upon the sidewalks of life,

I skin my knees. I bleed.

———

Leo remembers it clearly. The hunger pains and the moving. The temperature changes that left him oh so sleepy and the nights where their father’s robe was the comfiest place to be. The uncertainty that plagued every tunnel until they found the one that felt slightly safer than the rest.

He remembers his childhood clearly, is what he means. And he remembers how it all changed the day they turned six.

The world above their heads always intrigued him and his brothers. Sensei never left it a secret, telling all the stories he could remember. While Donnie and Raph seemed partial to those about everyday life, Mikey and Leo were always more interested in the fables and myths that left his father’s lips as he tucked them into bed.

Then, one day, Sensei came back with a box. A huge box, filled with wires and glass and parts Leo couldn’t understand. He could tell Donnie wanted to, with the millions of questions he sprouted as Sensei plugged the box into the one generator they had and clasped his hands together in some sort of prayer, as if the box was more than what it seemed.

The action seemed silly to Leo at the time. He was six and knew lots about boxes. This one may have had a glass front and wires inside, but it was still a box! And boxes don’t do anything unless you pretend it does.

Little Leo was wrong. He had never been so happy to be wrong.

He remembers the awe that came over him and his brothers as the screen lit up, colors dancing across its glassy surface. Even Mikey didn’t have the words for the wonder that came over them all. They were entranced by the random commercial that played, a small song in the background they never heard before with a human front and center.

It was when they realized the creature they were staring at was a human that pandemonium broke out.

Donnie yelped and stumbled backwards, knocking over Raph who hissed loudly as complaint while Mikey immediately ran to Splinter’s side and hid between his legs. He remembers all that clearly but he cannot for the life of him remember why he didn’t cower too.

His life, up until that point, humans had been stories. Something close to the fairy tales he loved even as their father insisted they were real. But they were not spared the stories where humans were mean and dangerous, not to be messed with and certainly not to interact with. It would end in the danger of his entire family, a human finding out about their existence.

However, six year old him was a curious child. He didn’t try to run away, like Donnie. He didn’t try to hide in his father’s presence, like Mikey. And no, he didn’t glare and prepare for a scrap like Raph. He stood there, eyes wide, and committed that human to memory.

It was his “bravery”, as Sensei called it, that lead the other three to calm down. Leo didn’t believe that in the slightest as he has memories of his father’s voice ushering everyone back to Leo’s side comfortingly, but he supposes he may have helped in a way. 

They sat down and scoured the channels that day, limbs haphazardly strewn about each other and using their Sensei’s robe as a blanket. Movies flew by. He must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because he doesn’t remember much else. 

But that day is the day everything changed.

Leo is seven and on his plastron. He stares up at the TV and watches with all his attention. Mikey is cuddled up next to him, watching just as eagerly.

“You’re not watching that horse show again, are you?” Raph asks as he strolls in, half teasing and half annoyed. 

They don’t answer as Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadence rush on screen through a mine. This season finale is very interesting! Why bother answering Raph when he and Mikey could watch this masterpiece?

Besides, Leo is seven and knows everything about his brothers. Raph likes My Little Pony just fine. He heard him sit down despite “hating the show” and thinking it’s “stupid and girly”. Leo knows his favorite is Rainbow Dash, followed closely by Applejack (the strong one). 

It isn’t long until Donnie trails in too. He’s the only one who actually doesn’t like the show. But he likes his brothers so Leo knows he doesn’t mind watching an episode or two with them.

The finale carries on.

Raph, who’s probably bored, starts kicking at Leo’s feet. Leo grumbles and curls them closer to himself, which doesn’t deter Raph one bit. He finally decides to kick back. 

His favorite is Twilight and it’s not because she’s dorky ( Raph ). It’s because she was alone in the beginning and Leo… he gets that! 

Of course, he has his brothers. He always will have them... but a friend would be nice! Someone to talk to that gets his interests and he gets theirs, not that teases him or half listens out of brotherly obligations. 

And Twilight was that. A pony that didn’t have anybody by her side except her dragon little brother until something happened and everything changed. She moved to Ponyville and found her friends.

Leo just hopes that, one day, he could do that too. Not move to Ponyville, no it’s too bright. His eyes would die. But get a friend group? That’d be nice.

And maybe he could have his brothers be a part of that group, too! They’re already his whole world. He’ll want them there when he expands it.

Raph chooses that moment to kick him particularly hard.

Leo chirps in pain before whipping around to face Raph. “Ow!” he says, glaring at his brother.

Scratch that, Raph’s the first to go. Leo hates him! He just wanted to watch his show! He kicks back, just as hard.

Raph yelps before letting out something between a hiss and a growl. He lunges at Leo and suddenly they’re fighting — Mikey yelling at them to stop while Donnie runs to tattle. 

They get a timeout. They’re told to put their snouts in the corner and to think about their actions.

Well, Leo’s done a bunch of thinking! Raph’s not allowed to be a part of his friend group anymore. He’s kicking him out because he’s mean .

(Less than an hour later, he takes it back when Raph mumbles out an apology. He’s his brother. Leo could never leave him out of his life — any part of it.)

Leo is ten and a space warrior. 

He pilots his brothers’ buggy, Mikey in the front and Raph grumbling about how lame it is in the back. Which is fair. One can only go so fast in a box.

He lands and nearly tumbles over the box, laughing along with Mikey as Raph pushes him away. Donnie stands off to the side of the living room, clearly waiting his turn.

“Dee’s next!” Mikey calls, scrambling out of the box. He’s clumsy — clumsy enough to fall straight into Donnie when they were supposed to be switching spots. They tumble to the floor.

Leo grins as Mikey half apologizes with a cheeky smile, making Donnie shove his head in his shell. And then they’re fighting, but it’s playful so Leo doesn’t make any effort to stop it.

Raph also climbs out of the box and stretches. He’s bored, too bored in Leo’s opinion. This is fun! Why isn’t he having fun?

“You know what’d make this even better?” Raph asks Leo.

Leo blinks over and tilts his head. He thinks over what could make this better and can’t think of a thing. Maybe a snack? But fall is near and food’s starting to become scarce again, so that’s not an option.

He shrugs. “What?” he asks, somewhat cautious because Raph’s ideas have been trouble for far too long for Leo to trust him blindly.

Raph’s answering grin is a neon warning sign. “Goin’ down the skate ramp.”

Donnie and Mikey both perk up at that. Leo shrinks back.

They found two skateboards a few months ago. With permission from Sensei, they were able to go a bit further into the sewer tunnels to find a safer place to skate than the lair. And they did. Donnie immediately started building small wooden ramps — having gotten into building things about a year and a half ago now. 

He had just finished their biggest ramp yet. It was clearly the ramp Raph was referring to.

“Dude!” Mikey yells, starting to shake Donnie’s shoulders from the floor while Donnie looks between Raph and Leo, clearly considering the idea.

Raph looks proud of Mikey’s approval. So proud that Leo thinks Maybe this won’t be a total disaster .

“We should get helmets, at least,” Leo says, smile crawling slowly back onto his face as his excitement builds. 

Raph’s jaw drops. “What?! No! That’s lame!”

Mikey pops up next to Raph’s shoulder and nods seriously. “Yeah, lame!” he echoes, cackling when Raph tries to shove him to the floor playfully.

Leo rolls his eyes and looks at Donnie, who’s starting to become the smartest of them all. Seriously, the facts Leo is randomly privy to is ridiculous. Like, he knows what privy means now! He’s also going to be in the front, so it’s his call. 

“You two can crack your heads open,” Donnie drawls, brushing the dirt from the floor off his thighs and tail. “I choose life.”

Leo tries to hide his giggles when Raph and Mikey freeze to gape at Donnie, but Mikey catches him. He narrows his bright blue eyes at Leo.

Uh oh.

Mikey points at him. “You laughin’ at us, Nardo ?”

Leo grumbles at the nickname and crosses his arms. “Maybe. What if I am?” he asks haughtily.

Mikey lunges, trying and failing to tickle underneath his armpits. Leo smirks as Mikey’s smile falls as the seconds pass with no reaction. He raises an eye ridge as Mikey laughs sheepishly and backs away, tapping his pointer fingers together.

There’s a split second pause. Leo let’s Mikey understand the consequences of his actions before carrying out said consequences with a lunge of his own, which Mikey dodges.

Screw ninja training! he thinks to himself wildly as he starts chasing Mikey. It’s made him too fast!

It takes two whole minutes for Leo to finally catch Mikey and tickle him to death. It’s worth it.

In the end, everyone grabs their helmets. They wave to Sensei in the dojo as they leave, laughing and shushing each other as their father would surely not approve of their plans. They have their helmets, though, so it’ll be fine! He’ll never have to know.

They race through the sewers, Leo carrying the box on his head as he lost the game of rock paper scissors this time. But it’s fine. He’s too excited to be too disappointed in the loss.

It’s on top of the ramp that Leo starts to get second thoughts. He stares down it and frowns. It’s not too tall but it is made of wood and this wood looks less smooth than their concrete back at the lair. Would the box even slide down?

But Leo’s no chicken! He was so excited to do this so he’s doing it. It’s not his turn yet, so he lines up behind the box and prepares to push off. In front, Donnie clicks his helmet into place and then nudges Raph, making him do the same. Leo grins when they both turn back and give thumbs up.

Leo nods and then looks down to Mikey, who’s bouncing down at the end of the ramp. He had said he wanted to see their scared faces when going down the ramp, much to Raph’s displeasure. Mikey catches his eye and sends him a thumbs up as well.

He takes a deep breath in and steadies himself. Everything will be fine! They have helmets. They took the proper precautions. His smile grows as he starts to rock the box.

“You ready?” he calls out teasingly, knowing the movement of the box back and forth is making both his brothers nervous as they grip the box at the same time. He tries to hide his laugh.

“Nardo, I swear I will kill you—“

“Just do it already!” Mikey shouts, cutting off Raph’s useless threat.

Leo doesn’t even bother giving a warning. He does as told and shoves the box off with all his might.

As he watches the box fly off the edge of the ramp instead of down the ramp, he sort of wonders if all his might was too much might. His eyes widen as the box tips out of view and he leans over, only to watch it hit the ramp and start sliding down.

He almost lets out a sigh of relief. It hitches in the back of his throat when the back of the box starts to lift up. The box bounces.

The box rolls.

Leo’s brothers roll.

He can only watch as they tumble down, cringing under each bump. Raph lets out grunts of pain but it isn’t until Donnie screams that he knows something went horribly wrong.

Oh shell , what has Leo done?!

He scrambles down the wooden stairs and trips in his haste, scraping his knee. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t feel like a bad scrape and Donnie was now crying softly so Leo didn’t bother pausing to check his knee. He just runs over to his brothers.

The scene that greets him isn’t pretty.

Mikey’s pacing and hovering near Donnie, who has his hands covering his mouth while blood leaks between his fingers. Raph has something in his hands and looks particularly grossed out, at least he did. Then he spots Leo and Raph goes red with anger.

Leo ignores his fuming brother and sprints for Donnie as he sniffles and tries to hold back tears. Mikey, always a sympathetic crier, does the same. He kneels before Donnie and gently tries to move his hands away, so he can get a look at his injury but Donnie flinches away from him.

Donnie… flinches away from him .

He swallows the hurt that springs forward and yanks his hand back. He’ll use words instead.

“Cmon, Dee,” he says, trying (and failing) to give his younger brother a smile. “I gotta see it, otoutō.”

They’re quadruplets, Leo knows. They’re quadruplets and all the same age. Except Mikey’s also the youngest while Leo’s also the oldest, and he takes pride in that fact.

Ages matter in times like these.

Donnie shakes his head, curling further into himself as blood dribbles out his mouth. Leo’s worry rises and then he’s yanked back by his shell, narrowly avoiding the blue mask he has around his neck (the way they all do, after receiving them for their tenth birthday).

Raph stands in front of him, in between himself and Donnie. “What were you thinking?!” he roars.

Leo’s own anger bubbles up. This is his fault?! He jumps up and glares. “You were the one who suggested we go down the ramp!” he counters, pointing at Raph.

Raph grabs his finger and bends it, yelling, “You pushed us too hard!”.

He gasps in pain and then kicks Raph hard , making him let go of his finger and stumble back. “It was your idea! You didn’t even want helmets!”

He tries not to think about what would have happened if Donnie wasn’t wearing a helmet. If Raph wasn’t. Raph gets the implications. 

“You knocked out his tooth!” he screeches, throwing said tooth at Leo in a desperate effort to change the subject.

“Stop!” Mikey yells, tears streaming freely now. Both brothers freeze. “We need Sensei!”

Leo and Raph both glare at each other before racing to help Donnie up, who swats them both away. His tears are slowing down now. His brother drops his hands and spits blood on the floor, making Raph look away with his fists clenched.

They travel in silence, mostly. Mikey hiccups here and there but pretty soon he’s quiet as a mouse too. Donnie leads the fray quietly.

Anger, worry, and guilt swirl together tightly enough to make him nauseous. He did this; Raph did this. It was Raph’s idea and Leo complied and Leo made Donnie lose a tooth because of stupid Raph and—

“Sensei!” Mikey calls, dashing through the entrance way. 

Leo pales. Raph does the same in the corner of his eye. Oh, they’re all in so much trouble!

Sensei and Mikey meet in the middle, clashing together as Mikey struggles to stop. It’s not every day the youngest calls for their father in that tone of voice. The rat gently checks Mikey over. 

Mikey shakes his head. “Donnie,” he tells Sensei, who’s ears perk as he whips his head towards the three standing awkwardly in the doorway.

Donnie must really look bad because Leo swears Sensei pales even under all that fur. His tail twitches and then he’s speeding towards his tallest, glancing at Raph and Leo who look away guiltily.

“It’s worse than it looks,” Donnie whispers, a new lisp rasping through the silence. 

Leo wants to throw up.

Sensei wipes Donnie’s chin gently. “Say ah , my son,” he murmurs, gently wiping under Donnie’s eye.

Donnie does as told. Leo clenches his jaw at the big hole in his brother’s mouth while Raph looks away, looking greener than usual. He’s always been a bit squeamish.

Mikey, however, tiptoes over and next to Sensei. He peers inside Donnie’s mouth as well with an awed, “Woah,”.

Sensei’s tail twitches and then he leans back, humming contemplatively. “That is a lot of blood.”

The sentence sends fear down all their shells. 

“Is he going to die?” Mikey blurts, panicked.

Donnie’s eyes go big as baseballs as Raph shouts, “Mikey!”. Leo clenches his fists and stays quiet.

Sensei also looks surprised at the outburst. He sighs and pats Mikey’s head, an exasperated smile on his face. “No, my son, Donatello will not die,” he reassures. Everyone deflates, relieved. “But I’m not sure the tooth will grow back…”

Donnie frowns at that, before eyeing the bathroom. Sensei nods and lets him go see his new look in the mirror. Mikey’s eye ridges furrow.

“Can't we just put it back?” his youngest brother wonders, making Raph slap his forehead. 

Sensei visibly fights back a laugh. Leo wishes he found it funny too. “No. Teeth don’t work like that. It would fall out again.”

“Oh.”

And then Sensei turns to Raph and Leo. He feels his shoulders rise as their father’s ears twitch. He pushes Mikey in Donnie’s direction, who thankfully seems to catch the new vibe. Mikey quickly leaves.

Yeah. Leo wouldn’t want to stick around for this lecture either.

Sensei walks over and puts his paws behind his back, eyeing them carefully. “Raphael… Leonardo… what happened?”

His name makes him want to disappear into his shell. It’s his full name — not “my son” or “Leo” or even “Nardo”, as much as he hates that nickname. It means business. 

They both start talking at once.

“Raph had this idea—“

“Leo pushed us—“

“— and they went—“

“— his tooth —“

“— he bent my finge—“

“— Leo kicked m—“

“ Yame !” Sensei commands loudly. Both Leo and Raph click their jaws shut. “One at a time,” he instructs tiredly. “Leonardo.”

Raph scoffs at that. Leo purses his lips and shifts awkwardly.

“Raph had this idea to push the cardboard box down our new ramp,” Leo explains quietly, starting to rub his arm. “I pushed them off, they went tumbling, and Donnie’s tooth came out.”

Sensei hums, giving no reaction to the information Leo just gave him. That’s not good. Right?

“Raphael?”

Raph grumbles something unheard and crosses his arms. Sensei narrows his eyes making Raph sigh. “Yeah… but he pushed us really hard!”

Leo gapes at that as betrayal wells up. “It was your—“

“Leonardo,” Sensei warns. Leo huffs but quiets. Their father pinches the bridge of his snout, mumbling some japanese Leo can’t make out. “Both of you will spend the rest of the day in your rooms.”

“But—“ they both begin to protest.

“And!” Sensei cuts in, effectively silencing them. “I will be talking to both of you about your actions. Because Raphael was upset about not being picked first earlier, I will talk with him first.”

Raph’s jaw drops at that, probably thinking about how unfair it is. Leo’s grateful it wasn’t him.

Sensei waves a hand, dismissing them. “I will check on Donatello first.”

They both leave to their rooms, Raph dragging his feet. Sensei disappears into the bathroom with their other two brothers.

Leo hugs himself, not happy at all. He didn’t mean to push them that hard! Why is he in trouble? Shouldn’t it be Raph, because it was his idea?

“This is all your fault,” Raph grits out when he thinks Sensei can’t hear. Leo glares at him.

“Mine?” he hisses back. “I—“

The bathroom door opens and they scramble. Leo makes it to his room, swings inside, and hurriedly shuts his door. Luckily it doesn’t slam, unlike Raph’s. Sensei probably saw them. Ugh.

Leo flops onto his bed, burying his head into his pillow. 

He feels bad about Donnie’s tooth, even if it wasn’t his fault. They learned a small bit ago that they don’t lose teeth like humans — something Mikey was exceptionally bummed about because then he couldn’t try and catch the tooth fairy. Not that he knew about the fairy until the TV came, but still.

That hole will be there for forever. And it’s all Raph’s fault. 

He lifts his head up. Maybe he could’ve prevented it. Like… what would have happened if he said no? What if he suggested somewhere else? 

Leo’s head gets stuck in what if’s for way too long. He’s pulled out of his thoughts by a knock to his door, Sensei if Leo had to guess. He says that he can come in and sits up in his bed, putting his pillow in his lap.

He was right. His father enters, looking a bit more tired than he was before. Leo ducks his head as his father sits on his mattress (the one they all used as kids — one of the only times Leo won a coin toss). 

“My son,” Sensei starts. Leo prepares himself for the lecture of a lifetime. However, he’s shocked by what Sensei says next. “You are the oldest, yes?”

Leo blinks, confusion completely overtaking any other emotion he had. He nods unsurely. It wasn’t really a decision or anything. It just happened. He called his brothers younger than him and they called him oniisan, and that was that (besides Raph grumbling that he should sometimes be the oldest, but that’s not how it works… so). He naturally stepped up. He naturally is the bigger brother.

“I guess so,” Leo says slowly, wondering where this is going.

Sensei nods. “And, tell me, what does that entail?”

Leo hums, looking down to the pillow in his lap. “I guess… that means I take care of my brothers.”

Sensei hums approvingly, tilting his head up gently with a stray paw. “Yes, I suppose so. We all take care of each other, but you and I tend to do so the most. But what else?”

“I… protect them?” Leo guesses, continuing when he gets a nod. “Protect them and play with them. I be there for them, always.”

A smile graces his father’s face. “Yes, my son. Now, when you think back to today…”

He mentally recounts the events, guilt lapping against his conscience and threatening to drown him. He didn’t do any of that. Leo let them dive headfirst into danger when he was unsure it would be ok. 

That’s not protecting them. That’s not taking care of them.

Leo frowns, looking down again. “I… didn't do any of that… did I?”

Sensei shakes his head. “Not exactly.”

Leo ducks his head further. This isn’t Raph’s fault. It’s his . He made Donnie lose a tooth. What has he done ?

“Leonardo…”

He snaps his head up, bracing himself for the lecture.

As always, Sensei surprises him.

“It’s ok,” his father says, rubbing his cheek. “You wanted to have fun. Why, I remember me and my brother doing something similar. We slid down my mother’s stairs on a mattress, making my brother break his arm,” he recounts, a nostalgic smile on his face as he takes his paw away.

Leo blinks, feeling even more confused. Wasn’t Sensei’s brother a bad guy? “You did?” he decides to ask instead.

Sensei nods, paws folded neatly in his lap. “It was a poor decision. His terrible idea — I endorsed it. I was in the wrong because I didn’t say no .”

Leo nods. “So it’s my fault…”

“And Raph’s, for suggesting the idea. And Mikey’s and Donnie’s for joining in. You are all in the wrong for not taking your well-being into account,” Sensei tells him. “But you, however, should have said no first.”

“But why?” Leo questions. Because it doesn’t make sense!

He should’ve said no first?! What about Mikey and Donnie?! Why is it on him?

Sensei looks him in the eye. “Because you’re the oldest, my son. Your brothers — despite rarely showing it — look up to you. It’s both a blessing and a curse,” his father says, playfully nudging his shoulder. “You must be responsible — set a good example.”

Leo rolls that over in his head. He guesses that’s sorta true. Mikey did tend to copy him a lot and Raph always wanted to boast to him about a new move he nailed. And Donnie was always telling his random facts to him… not anyone else.

“Oh,” he says. He doesn’t think there is much else to say.

“ Oh ,” Sensei echoes. “And Raphael should not have suggested the idea in the first place. It was very impulsive. I reminded him to think through his actions, however… when he doesn’t…”

Leo nods, looking up to his father. “That means I will! Or — you! You will too,” he adds sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Sensei huffs, eyes twinkling in amusement. “Exactly. Now… what’s this I heard about you kicking your beloved brother?”

Ah dang it. He thought he got away with that…

Leo is twelve when he earns a new title. It rings in his ears, even to the present day. It haunts him more than he likes.

Leo is twelve when he finds Raph trying to sneak out. He exited his room for a glass of water, having stayed up to read his comics. A decision he’ll surely regret later.

They spot each other and freeze, eyes wide. Raph has his sais, weapons they’ve been training with for only two years. He’s heading towards the sewer tunnels in tons of training pads and wraps that they’ve only just started to wear around the lair a year ago.

There’s a beat. And another. It takes Leo a moment to realize it’s his own heart. 

He straightens from his sneaking position and clears his throat, eyeing Raph suspiciously. Raph does the same and adjusts a bag on his shoulder Leo only just now notices. He crosses his arms and stares at his red banded brother.

He’s sneaking out. That’s his spray painting bag. And if he’s sneaking out in the middle of the day then that means he’s going somewhere he doesn’t want their father to know about. Only one place fits that description.

The Surface.

Leo locks eyes with Raph. They come to an understanding. Raph knows that Leo knows what he’s doing up. Leo knows Raph knows that he knows why Leo is up. They both know.

Raph juts a thumb towards the entrance. “Wanna come?” he asks, voice barely a whisper.

And… and it makes Leo pause.

Once upon a time, Leo was one of the most curious. He was up there with Mikey, observing random bugs on the ground while wanting to peek around every corner. He followed Donnie as he asked questions about everything in the vicinity, content to listen to his now purple banded brother answer his own questions with his own theories. He had even dragged Raph down different halls when a ball rolled too far away — a trip Sensei doesn’t know about.

The main object of his curiosity, though, was the surface. About everything they’d not be able to see — not in full. He wanted to know about it all and hear about it all. Watch it all, read it all, listen to it all . 

He pauses and he thinks about it. He pauses and he thinks about going up to the surface, what that would be like if he went with Raph right now.

The first thing that stops him is Donnie and Mikey. They’re supposed to go together. It’s their moment to share, seeing the sky for the first time.

The next billion things that stop him fly by in a blur. Scenario after scenario enter his head — from murder to torture to experimentation — and it makes his head hurt. It’s a whirlwind of why they should not go, especially before Sensei dubs them ready.

Those reasons are what make him unpause. He falters. Raph sees the decision before he even says “No”. He scowls at Leo and turns back towards his room, knowing Leo will tattle if Raph leaves now.

His red handed brother brushes past his shoulder harshly as Leo turns his gaze to the floor. He grits his teeth at the action, frustration bubbling up. It made sense! It was safe ! He was protecting them! 

Wasn’t he?

He barely catches what Raph says next. He wishes he didn’t.

“ Lamenardo .”

Leo is twelve when he earns a new title. It rings in his ears, even to the present day. It haunts him more than he likes.

Leo is fourteen. Leader is a title he asked for and something he holds with pride. It’s not so different from being a big brother, he finds. 

It earns him more than that, though. It earns him “Bossy” and “ Fearless ”. It earns him scoffs and groans and more arguments than he thought was possible. It earns him a pedestal that separates him from his brothers, something he never wanted.

But if it means protecting them from this dangerous world, then Leo will take it. Leo will protect them and take care of them. It doesn’t matter what he earns… or what he loses.

Like how he loses “Nardo”, something he was grateful for at first. But then he loses Donnie’s facts and Mikey asking him to prank with him. He loses a Raph that acts calm around him and their playful teasing. He loses “Leon”. 

He loses “ Oniisan ”.

It stung, when he first realized the nicknames had disappeared. He pettily took back the ones he used to say, too, hoping that his brothers would feel the same sting and bring back his names. No more “Angelo” or “Dee” or “Raphie” or “Michael” or “Don”. No more “ Otoutō ”, as much as that had hurt.

It hadn’t worked. 

Thinking back on it now, that probably furthered the divide. But he couldn’t stop it now! It’d be weird if he randomly started calling them those nicknames again!

They’re not as close as they were. Whenever his brothers wanted to do something — even before he became leader — they’d ask him. They’d ask him and his mind would realize how dangerous it could be and he’d say no.

They stopped asking. They started to sneak around him like they used to do Sensei. 

And — and don’t get Leo started on the word “ no ”! Despite what Raph says, it’s not Leo’s favorite word. If anything it’s his least favorite! He hates saying it.

He hates saying it when Donnie asks to build an invention that needs parts they’d have to steal. He hates saying it because he’s scared they’d get found out or it’d have a tracker or something that could doom them all.

He hates saying it to Raph when he proposes an idea that seems so fun . Last time he said yes to one of those plans Donnie lost his tooth permanently. So he says no and gives horrible reasons why and doesn’t budge on his decision — even though he really wants to.

And he hates saying no to Mikey the most. His pranks were fun. Watching TV shows was fun. Reading comics was fun. Dancing around the living room and kitchen while singing at the top of their lungs was fun . But he’s the oldest and the leader. He can’t do those things anymore. Why? Because Mikey doesn’t stop doing them! 

He’s starting to slack in ninja training. Not that he’s getting worse, no, he’s just messing around. This is real now. The Kraang and the Foot are out there! They can’t mess around anymore, as much as Leo wants to. So he trains and meditates and plans, hoping some of his seriousness will wear off on Mikey.

He thinks it may be making it worse. But that’s ok. He’s trying.

He’s trying so hard.

Leo feels like the oldest. There were moments in his childhood where he didn’t — where he thought Raph could fit the role just as well as him. Those days are behind him. He’d never hand the reins over to Raph. It’s the most beautiful burden Leo has to bear. It’s who he is.

He’s the big brother. He’s the Leader. He loves it because he loves his brothers and will do anything for them.

Even lose himself.

It’s no wonder his and April’s conversations are so stunted. There’s nothing else there. Just leader and brother, brother and leader.

He takes her under his watchful eye too, regardless of that awkward distance. His brothers like her well enough and he loves them, so he loves her. Besides, Leo thinks she’s really nice. 

That’s all that matters, in the end.

Leo is fifteen. He almost dies. 

It’s a lot to take in, really. Raph gets mad at him and Donnie follows suit. Mikey attaches himself to his side. They have a movie night ( something Leo’s missed way too much— ) and April joins this time. They decompress.

He lives, though. So the next day it’s practically back to normal. He pushes through and tries to say he doesn’t miss the attention from the day before, because that’d be silly. He almost died for his brothers. Keeping them safe is enough.

And then they meet Casey Jones. 

Leo’s a bit more hesitant to take him under his wing, seeing as he follows Raph into their secret lair . But Raph comes back and they’re all buddy buddy, faster than Leo’s ever seen. He watches the guy with a careful eye as his anger issues become even more apparent and his impulsivity encourages Raph’s own. But… he watches Raph tussle and tease and smile around Casey in a way he used to see around himself. 

So he swallows his jealousy and pulls Casey closer too, even though their conversations are somehow even more stunted than his and April’s. 

It’s one night on a rooftop that he almost takes that decision back. They’re eating pizza, Leo watching and eating his slice in the background as always, and he vetoes something. Something stupid, he remembers.

It makes Raph and Casey look to each other, disappointment clear on both their faces. Some sort of communication happens, one Leo can’t decipher. They turn in sync and yell—

“ Lamenardo! ”

He sits there, dumbfounded as Mikey starts cackling, leaning on Donnie for support who’s hiding his own chuckles under his palm. April openly snorts before also trying to cover her laughter. Raph’s and Casey’s laughs are the loudest.

He almost took back his decision to watch over Casey that day, his heart hitching in his throat. But he had swallowed down his pride and thought about how, from the outside, lame must be his middle name with how often he says no. It’s understandable.

Really. It is.

Leo’s still fifteen when he finds out he has an alive older sister and not a dead one. Sure, she’s on the enemy’s side, but she’s alive!

His crush (which is so so gross to think about now — what the shell was he even thinking?!) dies and is replaced with a curiosity he hasn’t let bloom in years . His eyes trail her and he actively searches for her because Karai/Miwa is his big sister which makes him a little brother.

Him. A little brother! 

The only person he’s ever looked up to before is Sensei. Sure, he’s looked up to his brothers for their different talents, but never like this . Because Karai is supposedly his role model. Because Miwa is supposedly supposed to take care of him and set an example.

Leo watches and takes everything in. By paying even more attention than he was before, he even learns a few Foot Clan moves — something he tries to hide from his family. He feels pathetic, honestly, trailing her like a puppy but she is his big sister .

Then again, she doesn’t know it. So the vibes are all off. She’s cold and distant and meaner than Raph at times. But Leo’s gaze follows her anyways.

And then they’re together. Together and alone on a roof, overlooking a sword in a museum.

“Don’t you want it?” she asks, eyes calculating.

Leo swallows his anxiety. This feels like a test. He looks towards the sword and marvels at it. It’s gorgeous . Of course he wants it.

But stealing is wrong. It’s dangerous. Without Donnie, there’s no way to disable the cameras and lasers and sensors. Sure, he’s a good ninja. But a good ninja can still trip a good security system.

He’s not risking his family for a sword he likes. That’d be selfish.

“No,” he only partially lies. “I don’t.”

Karai looks at him like she sees him in a new light and leaves.

Later, when he’s safe back at home, he realizes Karai is not Miwa. She’s not his big sister. She never will be. Her morals are so screwed because of the brainwashing Shredder has put her through. She’ll never be a proper role model and she is not his protector.

Karai will never be the older sibling he is. It should make him happy to be unmatched.

It makes him sad instead.

He’s sixteen.

His voice isn’t his. His knee screams in pain and his plastron is unrecognizable. He almost throws away being leader.

He doesn’t because he looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what he sees.

His blue eyes are hollow. Leo isn’t there anymore. All that’s there is a leader and a big brother — and a poor one at that. What was he thinking? Giving up being leader?

Yes, he was relaxed and watching Space Heroes once again. But his brothers needed him.

He’s sixteen. He stays a leader. He’s a big brother of a sort. 

There’s not much else.

He’s still sixteen. 

Leader doesn’t even cover it. Try Head of the Clan.

He’s still sixteen.

He’s only sixteen when his father dies. He’s impaled by his own brother, the one that suggested they take a mattress and slide it down their mother’s stairs. His father dies because of his own brother. His uncle kills his father.

It makes him realize that brother isn’t as important a title as leader. Leaders protect. They plan. They lead. They take care.

Brothers betray, neglect. Brothers break family ties. 

He’s sixteen. He loves being an older brother but he realizes he’s been a poor one. 

Only sixteen, Leo’s head of the clan. 

He’s getting sick and tired of titles.

Leo’s seventeen when he finds it again. 

He doesn’t mean to. He was in a rare and rebellious mood, so he stayed up late in his room scrolling through YouTube. He clicked on nostalgia video after nostalgia video, drinking up every emotion it gave him.

Then there was this weird one. It was called “2000’s Ads That I Wished Would Get Off My TV”. Of course he clicked on it, letting his curiosity get the best of him.

Leo stares at his T-Phone, feeling frozen in time. There, on his phone, is the very first ad they ever saw with the very first human they ever saw. The ad plays quietly, it’s jingle feeling like a lullaby he used to hear when he was little. He pauses it before it can end and continues to stare, bringing one hand up to his mouth as his breath wavers.

Distantly, he realizes he’s crying. 

He closes his eyes and wills the memories forward. The times where he and his brothers were thick as thieves float forward, causing more and more tears to stream down his face. Before he knows it, he’s sobbing.

Their first pumpkin carving at age five. Their first video game — Mario Kart on the Wii. Their first favorite movie, their first radio, their first CD. The dance parties and slumber parties and forts and the hugs and the talks and the camaraderie that Leo doesn’t have with them anymore.

Everyone is close to everyone in one specific way. And yet Leo isn’t close to anyone, not anymore.

He replays the ad over and over, the repetition bringing his tears to a close. He sniffles. He hasn’t cried since Sensei’s death — much less sobbed .

The jingle once again repeats.

What went wrong? he wonders, idly rubbing his face. He hangs out with his brothers all the time!

But… they take effort to bring him in. They drag him to movie nights because he’s planning. They… well, they hang out at training but that’s training. And Leo voluntarily shows up to dinner…

He turns off the video, deciding to stare up at the ceiling. Dread crawls in and hovers in his room. Is… is that it?

No, there’s patrol! But they don’t goof off on patrol — not anymore. There’s a stray pizza party on the roof but…

He sits up, trying to think about the last hangout they actually had — something, no, anything not mission related on Leo’s part. He draws up blank.

Panic surges forward. He starts to wonder about the last time his brothers asked him to hangout — the last time he said yes to hanging out and…

And the answer is years ago. 

Leo swallows painfully, blinking back self pitying tears. That’s right. He did this to himself.

He folds over himself, forcefully keeping his breathing steady to prevent himself from crying. He said no one too many times. He got scared one too many times. He didn’t take care of them enough. He left them emotionally. 

He didn’t play with his brothers like he promised to do when he was ten. He protected them only. He forced his hand on their decisions. He never joined in, even when he probably could have.

Laughing self-deprecatingly, he leans his head back and wipes his eyes. His gaze turns to his floor.

It’s pristine.

When… when was the last time it wasn’t? When was the last time he wasn’t trying to be a perfect role model — a perfect leader? When was the last time he wasn’t the “no” guy?!

Leo throws his covers off him and jumps off his bed. He’s tired of it! He picks up his comics, flipping through them and remembering the countless nights he snuck around Sensei to read them from front to back for the billionth time.

When’s the last time he did something like that?! Something — anything stupid! He hasn’t! He hasn’t done anything that stupid since—

Leo throws his comics on the floor, glaring. 

Not since he was ten years old. He hasn’t been innocently stupid since he was ten. He… he hasn’t let himself be. 

He clenches his fists. Leo hasn’t let himself be a child since he was ten .

His shell hits his wall and he slides down, sobbing. He sobs and sobs and sobs, grateful Mikey is a heavy sleeper and that Donnie sound proofed his lab and that Raph is with Casey right now, because he needs this cry. 

He mourns his childhood and what his relationship with his brothers used to be. He mourns who he used to be, knowing if his six year old self was in front of him he would ask “Who are you?” and Leo would have no answer. He cries because he’s angry at Sensei for letting him isolate himself and then cries because he didn’t mean that — Sensei did his best, he always did. He didn’t know Leo would take it this far.

Did he?

After hours, he finally peels himself off the concrete. He rubs his face fiercely, trying to erase any trace of his embarrassing breakdown. He grabs his mask and throws it on, leaving his room to grab a drink of water.

He’s halfway there when he spots Raph. Raph spots him too.

They freeze and stare at each other, wide eyed. Raph is clearly coming back from spray painting with Casey. They blink at each other, an awkward silence beginning to slip between them.

It makes Leo’s heart rate spike. His brain is in fix-it mode, and fix-it Leo panics more often than not.

“Have fun?” he asks slowly, cringing as the awkwardness grows thicker.

Raph nods, eyeing him squintily. “Yeah,” he answers slowly. “What are you doing up?”

Leo shrugs, deciding not to completely lie because he sucks at lying. That would get him caught. “I’m getting some water,” he replies, pointing towards the kitchen.

Raph once again nods, something distrusting written all over his face. 

They stare at each other for a beat longer. 

Raph breaks first. His shoulders drop and he shakes his head, giving Leo a teasing smirk. “ Lamenardo ,” he whispers, like it’s an inside joke.

And maybe it’s supposed to be. However, it rubs Leo the wrong way.

He rolls his eyes and scoffs at Raph, not too uncommon of a reaction from him for that nickname. Raph huffs and leaves to his room as Leo walks to the kitchen, his anger bubbling back up.

“Good night!” Raph calls.

Leo doesn’t answer. He grabs a glass and fills it up in the sink. He sits at the head of the table and stares down at the water as Raph’s door closes. 

His gaze trails from seat to seat. Leo frowns and then looks towards the freezer. It’s too empty. 

Getting up, he opens the freezer and smiles warmly and the sleepy meow ICKy gives him. Leo sticks his hand in the freezer and gently pets under the neapolitan cat’s chin.

“Hey Icky,” he whispers as the cat blinks sleepily at him before her ears perk up. He gains another meow in response. “Can I take you out for a bit?” Leo asks, knowing the cat sometimes likes her space. 

ICKy stretches her paws towards him, making him chuckle and the rest of his anger fall away. He pulls her bowl out the freezer and closes it, setting her at the head of the table instead of him. She blinks at her position and tilts her head.

“You’re the head tonight,” he murmurs, sitting down and petting behind her ears. “I need a break.”

The cat meows at that, practically melting into his hand. Well, not actually melting. That’d be bad. He means melting metaphorically.

Leo sighs and rests his head on his hand, continuing to give ICKy all the pets she deserves. His thoughts turn back to fix-it mode. 

Is his relationship with his brothers even fixable? How can it be when he barely knows who he is?

ICKy paws at him gently. He blinks, realizing he’s stopped petting her. She looks up at him, beady eyes sparkling lovingly. Does she know who she is?

“Sorry,” he says, beginning to pet her again. “Lost in thought.”

The cat purrs under his hand before pawing him again, a silent demand to talk… perhaps. Mikey’s way better at communicating with her than he is.

Leo hums noncommittally. “I… hm. Icky, do you know who you are?” he asks, watching her curiously.

ICKy, clearly not expecting that question, pauses purring. Her tail twitches and she looks up at him, the cutest version of confused he’s ever seen in his life. He huffs, amused.

“Silly question, hm?” he comments, idly scratching behind her ears. She slowly relaxes but continues to listen… or so he assumes. “I just… I don’t think I know who I am,” he admits, eyes starting to glaze over.

ICKy meows at this, concerned. Leo doesn’t pay her mind.

“I’m an older brother,” Leo begins to list. “But not the best, admittedly. I’m a leader. I’m the head of the Hamato clan. But… that’s… I can't think of anything else,” he says, chuckling bitterly. “How can I fix things with them if that’s all I am?”

After he says that, he finally notices ICKy. ICKy, who’s halfway out her bowl to try and comfort him. He yelps quietly and shoves her back in her bowl, deciding to bring her closer to him so she doesn’t try to climb out again. She nuzzles into his hand and stretches to nuzzle his face too.

It’s like she’s saying he can fix it regardless. That as long as he tries he’ll be ok. That she loves him even without truly knowing him.

Or maybe he’s projecting onto a cat made out of neapolitan ice cream. Either way, it makes him feel better. 

He pets her and spends time with her for another couple of minutes before he notices she’s getting droopy. He picks up her bowl and puts her in the freezer gently, giving one last pet for the night.

“Thanks, Icky,” he says with a small smile. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

And, with no one else around, he kisses her on her tiny forehead. ICKy gives out a delighted meow-purr thing at that, even as he closes the freezer door on her.

With that promise, he knows he’s sealed his fate. He’s at least going to have to try. 

Leo was going to try anyways but now he can’t procrastinate on it or, like, plan it thoroughly like he wants to. ICKy’s waiting on an update. ICKy’s counting on him — believing in him, even!

He sighs and makes his way to his room, chugging the rest of his water. He’s putting so much on a cat right now. Staying up late does not suit him.

Or maybe it does. Who knows. Not him!

He goes to bed feeling both lighter and heavier than he has in ages.

Chapter Text

Leo’s seventeen when he finally decides to take back his brotherhood. 

Give.. back his brotherhood? Give or take? Give it to his brothers or take it back for himself? He’s sorta unsure. However, it’s something he plans on doing. 

And the first step to being a brother is to be annoying. Which he is, a lot of the time if the groans and sighs are anything to go by. However, that’s mainly when he’s acting as leader.

When is the last time he went around and just bothered a random brother for the heck of it, hm? Since he was like… thirteen. Four years ago. 

His brothers have therefore been unbothered for a while. Too long of a while.

He has second thoughts on the way to his first victim’s area of their residence. What if annoying them leads to a bigger rift? Why not just talk this out? What if everything falls apart and they leave?

Well, what-if’s lead to this mess. And talking is not something Leo is ready (or wants) to do yet. 

How do you explain the feeling of not knowing who you are? How do you explain his hatred of the word “no”, and then explain why he says it so often? How does he explain why he changed himself? How does he explain his 180 (360, even?)? 

He doesn’t know. So he won’t do it. 

And of course, he almost fails immediately. 

In front of Donnie’s lab door, he raises his fist to knock. It’s 10:00pm, a time where everything is pretty lowkey, so it’s a perfect time to barge right in. And he almost knocks. 

Stiffly, he brings his fist down to his side. Raph doesn’t knock. Mikey doesn’t knock. Why should he?

Taking a deep breath, he barges in like the brother he is. 

“Mikey, I told you to— oh.” Donnie turns in his chair, looking away from whatever he was welding to see Leo. “Hi?”

Leo awkwardly waves, inwardly panicking and wondering What now?! He decides to question Donnie’s first guess of brother. “Mikey?”

Donnie huffs and shrugs. “He’s usually the one barging in here, not you,” his purple clad brother tells him, patting a stool next to him. “You knock.”

His heart warms at the invitation to stay. He takes it eagerly, walking over just a smidge faster than usual. He plops down on the seat and gently looks over what Donnie is working on.

“Sometimes I do,” he says, looking over the welding job Donnie has done on whatever it is he’s making. It’s good — much better than his first tries. “What are you making?”

And that’s when Donnie freezes. Leo tenses, alarm blaring though he doesn’t actually know what he did wrong. He starts to try and think of ways to backtrack but how do you backtrack that—

“Nothing much,” Donnie replies, repositioning a lamp to get better light on his… thing. “A personal project.”

Oh , Leo thinks glumly. That’s the problem. He thought Leo would want to hear about work stuff. 

Maybe if he shows he doesn’t, it will be better? Somehow? It’s worth a try.

“What kind of personal project?” Leo asks after a minute, turning in his seat to follow Donnie’s hands along the metal because he genuinely doesn’t know what this thing is.

It has the opposite effect. Somehow, his question makes things worse.

Donnie inhales sharply and then glares at him. “Nothing we can use for missions, Leo ,” he says, waving a hand for show. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do.”

Leo… stares. He swallows painfully and nods, forcing a smile he hopes doesn’t look too fake before hopping off the stool. He walks to the edge of the lab before turning around.

“Have fun,” he murmurs, knowing Donnie hears by the wave of a hand he gets in reply.

He doesn’t know who he is. It’s fair that his brothers don’t either.

But did he really push the leader role so much that him being curious about personal projects is a bad thing?

He shakes his head. It’s fine. He’s working on fixing it and apologizing. They can find another way to bond. Tomorrow will be better.

It has to be.

Leo is seventeen and banned from the kitchen.

If you ask Mikey, the youngest Hamato would say that it’s for a good reason. Leo disagrees. You mess up five toasters and suddenly you’re a kitchen criminal!

Well, that all changes today! Leo is becoming a chef, with ICKy as his overseer as Leo is “legally” not allowed to be alone in the kitchen, Mikey’s rules. He never said that he had to be babysat by a person, though, so…

It also gave him some time to catch ICKy up to speed on what happened with Donnie yesterday. He ignores the heart pangs it gives him and pulls out a recipe book.

Him and ICKy are going to make pancakes for breakfast.

Leo smiles down at the cat, letting her gently. “Ready, little lady?”

The cat meows, tail twitching excitedly. Leo beams at her, feeling more like Mikey than himself (whoever he may be). He looks at the ingredients he assembled and rubs his hands together.

It can’t be too hard to make pancakes… right?

Leo takes his time measuring the ingredients — triple checking the measurements with ICKy. He rereads the recipe about 50 times before mixing anything, staying away from the microwave if he can help it. Still, even with all his cautiousness, things get a bit… messy.

ICKy’s clear of the mess though. That’s what matters.

Mikey may lose his head when he comes in, though. Only he can make a mess this big in his kitchen. It’s Mikey law. 

Leo’s ignored who knows how many Mikey laws today. He’ll be lucky to survive to see tomorrow. 

It’s just as he gets the batter done and turns the oven on that Mikey finally makes an appearance, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Leo freezes and watches his little brother blink, taking in every nook and cranny in the kitchen before focusing on Leo. Leo, who’s pressing the On button for the oven. 

Oh, this won’t be good.

“Dude!” Mikey screeches, his hands flying to his head as ICKy meows in greeting. “Are you cooking?! You’re not allowed to cook!”

Leo takes his hand away from the On button, pointing to ICKy. “I have a babysitter,” he tries.

“Wha- pftbuh- Icky doesn’t count!” Mikey sputters, picking up the ice cream cat and tucking her safely away in the freezer. 

Leo waves to her shyly. She waves back, the cutie.

Mikey gasps theatrically, making Leo jump. “ And you turned the oven on?! Bro! Are you trying to kill us?!”

His youngest brother shoves him away from the oven and turns it off, letting out a breath of relief. Leo blinks at his sudden new position in the kitchen. He raises one finger and opens his mouth.

“What were you thinking?!” Mikey continues to ramble, removing the plate from the oven. He takes the batter bowl and sniffs it. He slowly turns his head towards Leo, face all scrunched up. “Were you making pancakes ?” he whispers.

“Um.”

Mikey doesn’t let him answer. Leo fights the urge to grab and shake him as his brother steals the recipe book from the counter. He has a mouth. He can talk and answer for himself!

“You were!” Mikey gasps once again, shoving the book into Leo’s face and making him lean back. “How do you know how to read this?!” his brother cries.

Leo opens his mouth to finally respond! Only to get cut off again. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Raph mumbles sleepily, slumping into his chair and banging his forehead on the kitchen table… that is covered in flour. He sneezes as the dust goes flying up, jolting himself awake. “Wha— Mikey !”

Mikey shoves Leo forward. “It was him! He was cooking !”

All anger leaves Raph’s face. A surprising feat, really. Leo struggles to keep a straight face as he looks at his red brother, forehead and mask completely covered in flour.

“Leo was cookin’…” Raph clarifies, narrowing his eyes at him.

Leo coughs, struggling to breathe without giving away that he’s failed. He’s so failed. He’s chuckling under his breath now.

Mikey throws his hands up exasperatedly. “ Yes !”

“I thought he was banned!”

“He is !”

Leo leans against the counter, shoulders shaking as he covers his mouth. His brothers are focusing on the wrong thing here! Raph— oh geez, he can’t even think about it. 

Donnie enters. Leo pauses, memories of yesterday sobering him up enough to stop laughing. He’s still grinning wildly though, he can feel it. 

“Wha—“ his purple banded brother starts.

“Leo’s cooking!” Mikey and Raph both exclaim, Raph seeming much more amused than Mikey. 

Donnie pauses. He blinks at Mikey and then looks to Raph and— and Leo can see the second he loses his composure. He opens his mouth, fighting a smile before closing it and taking a deep breath in. 

And then he’s doubled over, hand on his knee with the other pointing at Raph’s face as tears roll down his cheeks. “Your face !” he wheezes.

Mikey snorts and also doubles over, plastron flat on the table as he bangs a fist while Raph gapes at them, betrayed. He shoots up and rushes to the clearest reflective surface around — the fridge — and stares at himself in a dumbfounded silence.

Leo drinks it all in. Their laughter, their faces, everything . It’s been too long. 

“That’s it,” Raph declares in a murmur. “Mikey’s dead.”

Leo perks up at that. “Wha—“

“Why me?!” Mikey yelps, immediately positioning the table in between him and Raph. 

Yeah? Why Mikey?! Leo made the mess!

Donnie drops to the floor.

Raph whips around, slamming his hands on the table. White dust poofs up. He grins and throws some at Mikey, who squeaks in surprise. “Because this is your kitchen!”

“It is… so on !” Mikey growls, turning around to grab the flour from the counter. He does and tosses practically the whole bag at Raph.

The dust finally clears. All that’s left standing is a very white and very angry Raph. Mikey laughs nervously before throwing the bag, too, hitting Raph right in the face.

“Dead,” Raph promises as the bag hits the table.

Mikey gulps.

They race out the room, yelling and screaming respectively. Donnie calms on the floor as they leave, brushing off himself and locking eyes with Leo. They start giggling again at their brothers’ antics.

They even sigh at the same time, too. Leo’s smile feels wider than it has been in years, even as he takes in the mess. He snorts at the footprints trailing out the kitchen.

“What a mess,” he mutters fondly.

“Surprised you didn’t want to stop it,” Donnie comments teasingly as he makes his way over, probably to make a cup of coffee.

Leo blinks, something shifting in his mind. He looks over. “What?”

Donnie shrugs, grabbing a mug. “Didn’t think flour fights were your cup of tea. You’re so…”

“Lame?” Leo finishes, no emotion leaking through the word. He stares Donnie down as this feeling of numbness washes over him.

Donnie’s eye ridges furrow as he turns to look at him. “…cleanly…” he says. “I was going to say cleanly.”

Leo purses his lips and looks down towards the hall, where it sounds like Raph has finally caught up to Mikey. “Sure,” he replies, not believing him for a second.

He starts to exit the kitchen, making Donnie gape.

“Wait, where are you going?” his brother asks, his gaze following him curiously.

Leo shrugs. “Out. Don’t wait to eat, ok? I’ll grab something later.”

It’s a horrible excuse, but he doesn’t give Donnie a chance to answer.

Just like Mikey didn’t. Or Raph. Leo didn’t get a word in this morning and now it’s all he can think about. That and how he’s so lame he can’t even enjoy flour fights.

He walks into his room and grabs his stuff before heading out again, katanas in hand. He walks past the kitchen and ignores Donnie’s stare.

Why was he left out? Why was he the odd one? Was he that disconnected?

Can… can he even fix that?

He passes his brothers wrestling in the living room, pretending not to notice when they stop to stare at him as he leaves. He plans to leave, letting Donnie explain whatever he feels like and not say a word himself because that’s exactly what happened this morning! If no one wants him to explain or speak for himself, he won’t.

And that’s a petty thought. He knows it is. It’s why he’s leaving to get some alone time — to cool off. It’s a Raph move, yes, he’s aware.

“Leo?” Mikey calls, scrambling up and onto the couch.

Leo pauses. He grips his katanas so hard they shake in his hands as he waits for someone to interrupt. No one does. He lets out a breath and turns, flashing Mikey a tired smile.

“Just need some air,” he tells his youngest brother. “You guys eat without me, ok?”

Raph’s head pops up and over the back of the couch. He’s frowning, for whatever reason. “I thought you made something?”

Mikey nods, looking between him and his red banded brother.

Leo shrugs. “Yeah. Hope you like it.”

And then he leaves, leaving an all too quiet lair behind.

The laughter stopped only because of him. The air changed because of him. Raph and Mikey stopped having fun because he walked by.

Lamenardo , Lamenardo, Lamenardo…

Leo has to agree. It’s the perfect nickname for someone like him.

Seventeen and on patrol, Leo tries his best to step back into that leader role. Patrol, despite having many opportunities to have fun together, is a serious event. They should always be on the lookout.

And they are, mainly. Leo’s the one who’s always flicking his head about. That’s not to say the others aren’t aware — they are! But Leo’s looking around the most, as leader and older brother. 

He always keeps an eye out. 

Casey and April join them today. They’ve gotten better at running across the rooftops, exponentially so. But maybe that’s because they’ve practiced with Raph and Donnie respectively. Maybe Leo wasn’t around to see all of their progress.

He pushes forward, scanning the dark alleys as his brothers and best friends do whatever in the background. Mikey flips, April mimes clapping at his landing and Donnie rates the flip itself from 1-10. Raph and Casey add their own rates, booing silently everytime just to rile Mikey up.

Leo smiles at their antics. Amendment: patrol is a serious event for him because he’s the only one that knows when to take things seriously. He rolls his eyes and tries to not cave under the severe case of FOMO that snags his breath away.

On one rooftop, he pauses, giving the group a break from running as Casey and April start to lag behind. They’re very fit for humans but, well, they’re mutants . Still, even Mikey seems a bit unsteady on his feet.

Not that it stops him from climbing this roof’s water tower. Leo squints at it a bit. Is this the one where he and Raph got stuck? The mousers trapping them? Didn’t they practically destroy that one? How did he not notice it was rebuilt?

“And for my next trick,” Mikey calls dramatically, because when they pause they don’t have to be silent. “A dive .”

He doesn’t even register he’s opening his mouth until the word is out. “No, Mikey,” he says exasperatedly.

The group stops and stares at him. Uncomfortable, he crosses his arms and decides to give a stern look to Mikey. The youngest wilts.

“It’s not an actual dive!” the orange turtle protests, throwing his head back to groan.

And that’s good. Leo didn’t think Mikey was crazy enough to do a dive onto concrete. Still, he should probably change the name then. He waves a hand, a way to let Mikey know to continue.

Instead, he starts climbing down the water tower as Raph mumbles something under his breath. Leo frowns.

“What are you doing?” he asks as Mikey touches down glumly.

His younger brother looks up and scoffs. “Following your orders, dude,” he says bitterly, glaring at him in a way that he’s only seen Raph do.

Leo shakes his head. Why does no one get him? “Get back up there,” he instructs, pointing to the water tower.

Everyone gapes. Mikey blinks between him and the tower. “Dude?”

Leo rolls his eyes again, for the umpteenth time this evening. “I told you not to do a dive, Mikey,” he replies, raising an eye ridge. “You said you weren’t doing a dive. So do it.”

Mikey’s jaw drops. He stands there, shocked, as Casey pulls Leo into him with an arm around his shoulders. Leo stumbles over, looking at Casey and receiving a finger in his face for his crimes.

“Who are you and what have you done with Leo?” Casey asks, teasing and bewildered at the same time. He narrows his eyes, as if trying to figure Leo out.

And Leo responds honestly with a shrug as Mikey starts his climb. He unhinges himself from Casey’s hold and takes a step back, craning his neck up to watch Mikey flip.

Despite anxiety trying to choke him out, he knows Mikey is a flip master. Whatever he’s doing right now is something he’s probably done a million times before. That thought calms him a small bit and he holds his breath as Mikey stretches dramatically.

“Hurry!” Raph calls, snickers interrupting his syllables already. “Before Leo comes to his senses!”

Leo slowly turns at that, eyes narrowed as Raph smirks back at him cheekily. It stings. It really does. However Raph is joking with him and didn’t know how much that had hurt. He hadn’t been teasing to leave a mark. He was teasing for fun , something they used to do often.

So, Leo decides to get a little pay back. He quietly bends down and grabs a rock from the gravel beneath their feet as Raph turns his attention to Mikey. He stands up and tries not to look completely suspicious.

He looks up at Mikey, who’s preparing himself to run off the tower. Perfect distraction , he thinks to himself, smirking. Leo holds up an arm, using his peripheral to aim, and throws a rock at Raph right as Mikey jumps.

Raph yelps, immediately looking around for the perpetrator while Leo tries (really, really tries) to keep his chuckles under wraps. Mikey flips one — two — three times and then lands perfectly, taking a bow as they erupt with cheers and claps.

Leo claps politely, smiling fondly at his little brother while Raph gapes at them. 

“Someone made me miss it!” Raph shouts. He grabs Casey by the shoulders and looks him in the eye. “Who threw that rock, Jones ?”

“What! It wasn’t me!”

Leo chuckles quietly to himself. He knows the sound of Casey and Raph squabbling will cover his tracks. He looks over to Mikey and gives a thumbs up.

Mikey beams . 

And then he’s back to talking to Donnie, trying to figure out how to make the flip better for next time. He leaves Leo with the realization that his brothers… they might have missed him too, at some point. 

One day, he’ll say sorry. They probably won’t understand with context and he’s not necessarily sure he’ll ever be able to give it but… he’ll say it. Hopefully, that’s what will count.

So lost in his thoughts, he doesn’t recognize that they’ve been found until Mikey’s hit by a stray ninja star. 

Screams from his youngest brother shake him out of his thoughts. His breath quickens as all he sees is blood in his brother’s shoulder. A lot of blood.

He whips around to see the perpetrator and finds the Purple Dragons, of course. Lowly thieves and gang members that decide regularly to ruin their day because they keep them from stealing. And Hun, the leader of them all, just hit Leo’s baby brother .

Leo’s not usually the emotional one when his brothers get hurt — at least not in the battle. He protects them as Raph goes super crazy and Donnie tries to patch them up, then he looks over them and hugs them close. That’s how it usually goes.

But Leo thinks he’s right to say he’s not necessarily in the right mind right now. These past few weeks have been very emotional for him and that’s not his norm. He’s been struggling keeping everything together.

And then these bozos come and hit Mikey with a ninja star.

It’s not flying tonight.

Leo goes silent, doesn’t bother with a greeting or an order as he rushes forward. He feels his eyes go white and feels the wind in his bandana as he jumps across the rooftop and to the one the Purple Dragon’s were on. 

He breathes, staring at the members and giving them a beat to understand the consequences of their actions. And then he lunges to carry their punishment out.

He ducks under the large hammer and breaks the bō in half. He disarms whoever was wielding the kunai as everything turns into a blur of rage. Is this what Raph feels like when he’s fighting? Letting autopilot take over?

A red blur — one that Leo will always recognize — joins his fight. Leo doesn’t pay him mind, whatever words his brother tries to say are lost in the whirlwind. And soon he has Hun to himself.

Hun is a master martial artist. Leo is too. Surprisingly they’re somewhat well matched, but Leo and his brothers always win.

Today, their fight is five seconds flat. 

Leo grabs the arm that tries to punch his face, dropping his right katana to do so. Hun’s eyes widen. Leo kicks him in the stomach and then hauls him over his shell and smacks him into the ground. Hard .

His left katana points at the man’s throat. He keeps his white eyes, knowing the intimidation is a whole thing with his eyelids out. He waits till Hun looks up at him to say what he needs to.

“Don’t ever touch any of my brothers again,” Leo hisses, an actual hiss building in his throat. He swallows it back.

Hun isn’t even able to nod before Casey knocks him out with the blade of his hockey stick. Leo blinks, willing his eyelids to go back to their place. When did Casey get over here?

The boy looks up to him, eyes narrowed. Leo doesn’t like feeling studied so he narrows his eyes back before turning to grab his katana. He can’t deal with Casey’s craziness right now. He has a brother to check in on.

In a flash, he’s back on the other rooftop where Donnie, Mikey, and April are. He jogs over and slides on his knee pads to kneel next to Mikey, tapping his knees anxiously. Donnie is still looking over the wound but the star is out so it couldn’t have been too deep. As soon as Donnie leans back, Leo leans in to inspect it as well.

It’s then that Mikey leans away. “It’s fine, bro!” He tries to reassure Leo.

Leo’s hands are shaking still. He isn’t reassured. He needs to see what he had done.

They shouldn’t have stopped. They shouldn’t have stopped and they should’ve left and continued patrol. This wouldn’t have happened if he had let Mikey think he couldn’t do his flip. This wouldn’t have happened if Leo was distracted. 

He takes a deep breath to calm himself and looks to Mikey. “C’mon, I just need to take a look, ‘Angelo,” he says, only half aware of what he’s saying as he scoots closer and tilts himself to see Mikey’s shoulder.

Donnie pushes him back, looking at him like he has two heads. Mikey does too. Leo frowns, eye ridges scrunching together and— oh. Oh shell.

‘Angelo. ‘Angelo, ‘Angelo, ‘Angelo.

And they didn’t seem to like it.

He stills and looks away, nodding as he pushes himself up. “Donnie’s right,” he says, his voice sounding a million miles away. “It’s fine. Let’s go to the lair.”

It’s stilted and cold and not him . He doesn’t want it to be.

However, it’s what his brothers think of him. It is what his brothers somehow love despite the distance. 

As he walks away, a warm hand grabs his shoulder. He turns to look at April, who’s looking straight into his eyes. She’s trying to figure him out too, isn’t she?

“Are you ok, Leo?” she asks, tilting her head and concern filling her eyes.

Who’s Leo, to you? he wonders. Who has captured your friendship? Is it a good friendship? If not, why do you care about me? Why are you asking?

He nods, taking his shoulder back and walking to the edge of the building. “I’m fine, thank you April.”

It sounds too formal to his own ears but that’s fine. It is. Because Leo is always fine in their eyes and it would cause further divide and confusion if he wasn’t.

Besides, Mikey needs medical attention. That’s the most important.

Not him.

Never really him.

Seventeen.

Leo stands in front of Raph’s door, wringing his hands together. 

He caught ICKy up on everything. How he messed up. How he’s considering just being the Leo they think he is because it’s easier. There’s no questions and no hard feelings when he disappoints. It’s expected of him, actually. He’s supposed to be a disappointment and a buzzkill.

He’s supposed to be Lamenardo .

ICKy didn’t seem to like that kind of talk, so he promised to be real around her. To be himself, once he figures out who that is. That calmed her down a smidge, but still. She seemed worried. 

Maybe he really is putting too much on the cat’s shoulders.

He raises his fist to knock on Raph’s door. They used to be close. They used to be, before all the fighting and barbs and divide and— and everything Leo caused. He swallows painfully as his hand begins to shake.

Raph has a drum set. They used to play it together and, whenever Leo was able to find a broken ukulele, they had a small band. They bonded over their weirdly similar taste in music before Leo chose classical over classic rock because it was quieter and they were ninjas and needed to learn to act like it and since Raph was brash maybe some new music in his life would help remind him to also be calm at times and—

And it didn’t work. Leo took away a shared interest. They fell even further apart.

“Leo?”

He jumps and turns to see Raph, standing next to him in full gear and a spray paint bag. He stiffens. 

How could he have forgotten?! Raph went painting with Casey today! 

Raph narrows his eyes at him. “What are you doing in front of my door?” he asks suspiciously.

Leo blinks between him and the door, trying to figure out what to say. He doesn’t think Would you like to have a jam session? would work now! In his panic, he opens and closes his mouth unsurely.

Raph comes to his own conclusion. A much worse conclusion.

“Were you trying to snoop through my room?!” Raph questions, growing louder with each word. 

Leo’s jaw drops. “W-what?! No— I—“

“You were!” Raph pushes past him and throws open his door. “Well here it is, oh fearless leader !” he snarls, arms wide.

Mikey and Donnie appear behind him. “What’s going on?” Donnie asks.

Leo tries to answer — he really does — but Raph beats him to it.

“Leo was trying to look in my room!”

Mikey steps away from Leo, eyes narrowed. “Dude, what?” It sounds like he doesn’t believe it, or at least doesn’t want to.

“I wasn’t—“ Leo starts to protest, looking between his three brothers.

“This is low, Leo,” Raph hisses quietly. “Even for you.”

Everything around him crumbles.

He’s never going to get it back. Any of it. He’s stuck in this role he made for himself. He’s stuck because he dug too deep a hole and realized it too late. Climbing out it pointless now with all the vines snapped.

Leo opens and closes his mouth, panicking and not being able to say anything until he spots something. Well, more accurately, he doesn’t spot anything. 

“You got rid of your drum set?” Leo whispers, looking straight into Raph’s eyes.

Raph turns to look at the corner and then back to Leo. His guard drops for whatever reason. “No… I gave it to Mikey.”

And he didn’t… how didn’t… why didn’t he know that?! Why? What— what has he been doing?! Meditating?!

Leo nods. And then he keeps nodding because he doesn’t know what else to do. He takes a step back and turns his gaze to the floor, clenching his fists. 

“Leo?” Donnie questions, reaching a hand towards him. “You ok?”

Like a switch, Leo snaps into place. He straightens and sighs. “Fine, Donnie,” he answers, tone coming off more annoyed than he likes. “Just… going to get some air.”

It’s as poor of an excuse as the last time he used it. He doesn’t care. Leo just realized he lost everything… even himself.

He pushes past Mikey with a halfhearted “Excuse me,”. He opens his room and grimaces at the mess he hasn’t bothered to clean up. Instead, he liked it. But now he doesn’t. It’s too much. Everything is. 

He steps carefully over his prized comics and reaches for his katanas from their place on his wall and then… pauses. They were Leo’s, as in child Leo, when he wasn’t such a sucky person. And then he contaminated them. He lowers his hands and stares at them.

He can’t pick them up right now.

“ Dude… ” Mikey whispers from behind him. Leo jumps and whips around.

All three brothers are in his doorway. Each look different levels of highly concerned. 

Leo grabs his katanas and winces at the burn it gives him. It’s all in his head. “Your room is worse, Mikey,” he states, sheathing his katanas.

“And your room is never like this,” Donnie reminds him. “Are you sure you’re ok, Leo?”

The name makes his skin start to simmer. Yes, he’s Leo. He loves the name Leo. It gives way to “Leon” and “Nardo” and you put those together to get “Leonardo”. It’s his name, why wouldn’t he like it?

However, when anyone else says it, it’s bad. Because he isn’t that Leo. He doesn’t want to be. He isn’t the distant buzzkill that only smiles once in a blue moon. He doesn’t want to be.

He wants to be the loving older brother and good leader, that’s able to joke around and goof off. He wants to dance with Mikey in the kitchen and hear Donnie ramble for days about any of his findings. He wants to make music with Raph or wrestle with no formalities just because it’s fun .

He wants to go skating. All of them, skating together and ignoring the blood stain they were never able to quite get rid of.

“Yeah,” he answers finally because he hates saying no and, unless someone’s in danger, he makes a vow to never say it again. “I’m fine.”

Leo hops over his comics once again. His brothers begrudgingly move out of his way to let him leave.

Mikey grabs his arm, stopping him right as he exits the doorway. “You’d tell us if you weren’t, right?”

And it almost sounds like a plea.

No , he thinks. You wouldn’t recognize me if I did.

“Of course, Mikey,” he says, smiling down at his little brother and patting his head gently. “Why wouldn’t I?”

For the second time in a week, Leo leaves to get some air. 

Tomorrow, Leo will be eighteen. Mutation Day is near and, despite the concerned glances all of his brothers have given him this past week, they seem very excited for their eighteenth.

Leo doesn’t get it. Their childhood has been ripped away from them by their enemies (and, in Leo’s case, himself). Why would they rush to legal age? Why would they want to be adults?

This last week, Leo’s disappeared to the surface. He’s avoided everyone because of their worried looks and yet he was still able to catch wind of their visible excitement. His mind echoes one word over and over.

Why? Why? Why?

He sits at the head of the table, feeling uncomfortable in the chair. ICKy sits in front of him, purring up a storm as if she could single handedly make his blues run away. It’s sweet.

Leo pets her, eyeing the time wearily. There’s only minutes now till 12. He doesn’t know where his brothers are. Usually they all stay up together to watch the clock but… Leo came back to an empty lair. It’s nice. It makes it so only ICKy can catch his tears.

He feels like a kid as he cries, saying “I don’t want to be eighteen.”

ICKy mewls sadly, nuzzling his hand. 

Leo wipes his tears and takes a steady breath. He calms himself as the clock says 11:55. ICKy paws him, trying to bring his attention back to her. He pets behind her ears with a sad smile.

“I think you’re my only friend, Icky,” he whispers to her, chuckling sadly. “My only real one, anyway.”

ICKy meows, and he hopes that it means that the cat considers him a friend too. Hm, he doesn’t think that the memes meant crying with an ice cream cat, but it works. He can check that off his list.

“I wish we could go back,” he murmurs, wiping his cheek as more and more tears leak out. “I miss them, Icky.”

ICKy curls around his hand, as much as possible. They sit there for a minute and then there’s boisterous laughter from the front entrance. Leo panics and wipes his eyes furiously, thanking his past self for remembering to take off his mask before crying. He throws it on, adjusting it haphazardly as his brothers make it to the kitchen.

“There you are!” Mikey squeals, ramming into Leo’s shoulder to give him a side hug. Leo’s too stunned to return it in time. The orange banded turtle pulls away. “We tried to invite you, but we couldn’t find you, brah!”

Leo blinks and clears his throat as Mikey turns to coo over ICKy. “Invite where?” he asks, grateful his voice isn’t as shaky as earlier.

“Casey and April wanted us all to come over,” Raph explains, a rare soft smile on his face as he joins Mikey in petting ICKy. “But you were AWOL.”

ICKy is meowing to Mikey loudly. It seems like she missed him a lot too.

“They say happy mutation day,” Donnie tells him, walking over and sitting on his right side. 

Leo looks at him and smiles. “I’ll text them thanks later, and sorry I couldn’t make it.”

ICKy still meows. Mikey has bent down to her level, squinting at her before his eyes widen. Leo huffs in amusement. They have a bond like no other.

Raph sits next to Mikey, who’s not in his chair but it’s clear the chair to Leo’s left will be his as that’s where ICKy has been pulled to. “Can't believe we’re eighteen,” he mutters, eyeing the time.

“Didn’t think we’d make it, at times,” Donnie agrees, crossing his arms awkwardly.

Guilt washes over Leo like a hurricane. His plans sometimes have that doubt. And then ICKy is screaming at him. He blinks and looks down at her as she tries to pull herself over to him, Mikey seemingly frozen in place.

Leo’s eyes widen. “Icky!” he gently chastises, a smile coming onto his face despite his concern. He puts her back in the bowl and pets her. She stares up with him with concern in her little eyes. “You’re so chatty today,” he comments.

The clock turns to 12:00. Donnie notices it first. “Happy Mutation Day!” he says, holding a fist out and over the table.

Raph laughs and rolls his eyes. “Happy Mutation Day.” He too puts his fist in the middle.

Leo keeps one hand on ICKy and puts the other in the middle. “Happy Mutation Day,” he murmurs with a smile.

They wait for Mikey’s cheer. He always goes all out for each birthday. He’s sure this will be the loudest “Happy Mutation Day!” yet.

The clock turns to 12:01. 

Mikey’s standing behind his chair, staring off into space. He blinks and swallows audibly before turning to look Leo in the eye. Leo stiffens.

“Hey Leo,” Mikey starts slowly, clearly watching for his reaction. “You’ve been talking to Icky, haven’t you?”

And it’s a question. It’s a genuine question. Dread fills Leo’s gut and he pulls his hand away from the fist bump. He looks down to ICKy.

She looks up at him with her beady eyes. She meows and, for once, Leo understands exactly what she's saying. 

I’m sorry.

His eyes widen and then he looks up at Mikey. He brings his hands to his lap as they start to shake. Mikey’s fists are next to his side and he looks heartbroken. Donnie and Raph look super confused.

“Mikey…” Leo starts, ignoring how his voice shakes. “What has she told you?”

Donnie and Raph share a glance. He can see them agree that neither of them know what’s going on.

Mikey starts to shake, blinking rapidly. “You don’t want to be eighteen?” he asks, voice breaking as a tear leaks into his mask.

“What?” Leo’s not sure who says that.

Leo pushes himself up and immediately goes to comfort Mikey before remembering he hasn’t done that in who knows how long. He pauses, hands hovering before Mikey.

“Not like that!” he tells his youngest brother because no he didn’t want to die! He just wanted to… not age. Wildly, he looks to ICKy for help.

ICKy is a cat, he remembers. ICKy is no help.

“Then like what?!” Mikey questions, grabbing the one hand Leo had left hovering. 

Leo shrugs and flounders, panic starting to rise. “Like… not aging? I don’t like eighteen,” he tries to joke, backing away unsuccessfully because Mikey is holding his hand. 

“And all that other stuff?” Mikey urges somewhat desperately. “You don’t like us when we call you Leo? Only Icky knows you?!” His voice breaks.

Leo tugs his hand away, shaking. “Leo’s my name!” he counters almost hysterically. “I like my name!”

He backs away and into the corner, which makes Donnie stand up. Leo, still not thinking entirely straight, pushes himself further into the corner. 

“And the part about Ice Cream Kitty?” Donnie prods, eyes wide and scared and worried. Oh gosh, Leo did that. “Is that true?”

And stuck in between a rock and a hard place, he looks to Raph. Raph, who looks shell shocked. Still, his red brother gives him an idea.

He turns his feelings on its head. “That was private!” he snarls, glaring at Mikey.

He’s not going to get mad at ICKy. She apologized.

Rpah finally stands, looking pale. “ Leo… ”

And it’s then that he finally snaps.

“Don’t call me that!” he shouts, pushing himself away from the counter. “You don’t know Leo ! You only know some — some leader and buzzkill that doesn’t know how to do anything other than ruin things and — and you were right! Lamenardo is the person you know, not whoever Leo is!”

Mikey’s breath hitches as Raph looks like he’s been physically slapped. “But you are Leo!”

Leo shakes his head, blinking back tears as he laughs. “No, I’m not! I don’t even know who Leo is. I don’t know who I am because I haven’t been myself since I was ten!” Tears start leaking from his eyes, again. “And I don’t want to be the Leo you know because you don’t even like him!”

Donnie waves his hands frantically. “No, no we love Leo! What—“

“But you don’t like him,” Leo counters, a manic smile on his face. “I see it all. The — the eye rolls and the scoffs and the glares and the everything! And — and I get it! I mean who’d like someone that says no all the time, I mean I certainly don’t,” he rambles, bending over and hugging himself. “It’s my least favorite word. I hate saying it. I don’t want to say it anymore, please , don’t make me say it anymore,” he whimpers as he squats, burying his head in his arms.

That’s all his brothers need. Mikey and Donnie crash into his sides, knocking him clean on his butt. Raph walks over and sits in front of them as they all cradle him in their arms. 

And Leo… he sobs. He sobs and sobs and sobs because he didn’t think he’d ever get a hug like this again! He thought they were done for! He didn’t think he could fix it!

It isn’t until he leans back, his shell touching the cupboards, that they let go of him. They sit close, closer than they have in years. Mikey leans on him and Donnie’s so close he can feel the minimal heat radiating off him. Raph’s feet touch his own as he leans against the corner of the table, which can’t possibly be comfortable.

Leo sniffs and leans his head back to stare at the ceiling. “There’s no chance we can forge—“

“No.”

“Why would—“

“Hamato Leonardo I swear— “

He laughs at the answers he gets. Yeah, he suspected as much.

They quiet. A beat or two later, Donnie speaks up.

“Why’d you come in my lab last week?” he asks before poking his shoulder harshly. “And don't lie.”

Leo shifts uncomfortably, looking in the opposite direction of Donnie before shrugging. “It’s stupid,” he says, with a sad smile.

“No, what’s stupid is you not talking to us about all this,” Raph grunts, shoving his foot forward and making Leo’s scoot back an inch. “What happened to ‘stronger together’, huh, Fearless?”

Leo winces under the name. He did say that one time, didn’t he? “I just wanted to hang out with you…” he shyly admits. “Realized it had… been a while.”

Which is an understatement, he knows. A while! More like a couple years!

He risks a glance to Donnie and immediately regrets it as he sees his face fall. Leo straightens and gives Donnie a smile.

“No, it’s fine, I know you didn’t—“

“I evicted him,” Donnie tells the other shakily. “He asked about my personal projects and I thought he was just trying to say I should work on hero stuff. I shut him out.”

Leo clicks his jaw shut. That is what happened. Mikey and Raph look shocked. Then, Mikey’s leaning away from his side. 

“And… you were trying to hang out with me…” Mikey realizes, eyes wide. “By making pancakes, you knew I’d come in and try and take over a bit and you were hoping that we could make them together !”

And great! Now his youngest two brothers are both crying. He panics as he looks between both of them, unsure what he’s allowed to do.

“And that’s why you were outside my door.” Raph sighs, banging his head back against the table. “You were going to knock and ask to hang out, weren’t you?”

Leo swallows painfully and nods, trying to think up ways to console his obviously distraught brothers. Mikey fixes one problem himself by leeching back onto Leo’s arm. So Leo lifts his other to offer Donnie a hug and hopes he isn’t rejected because that’d make him cry again and— and then Donnie’s leaning gently into his side too.

He pulls him closer and squeezes Mikey’s hand, kicking Raph’s foot back with the same foot his red brother has used before. This is what he wanted. This is what he’s always wanted.

Without the sadness, of course.

“If you don’t like Leo,” Donnie murmurs after a while. “What should we call you?”

Leo blinks over at him. “I like Leo,” he says slowly, leaning his head back towards the ceiling and closing his eyes. “It’s just… I don’t… I haven’t let myself be me in so long. I don’t know who Leo is. So why would you?”

Raph scoffs and kicks him harshly, causing him to jolt his head up. “Because we’re your brothers, dork. That’s all we need to know. That you’re our brother and we’re yours. You’re Leo.”

Leo nods, starting to play with Mikey’s fingers. “I haven’t been the best brother…” he says with a shrug, smiling bitterly.

Mikey shoots up, ripping his hands away and grabbing Leo’s face. “Why would you think that ?!” he cries, eyes searching wildly for an explanation.

“Um,” Leo mumbles between squished cheeks. “I don’t hang out with you? And I almost always said no when you used to ask, so you didn’t want to anymore?”

His answer clearly devastated Mikey. The orange turtle whimpers and then throws himself halfway across Leo’s lap to hug around his shoulders. Leo hugs him back as best as he can with one free arm, gently scratching his shell.

“We thought you didn’t want to!” Raph says, throwing his arms up frustratedly.

Leo hums. “Makes sense. I always said no.”

Donnie untangles himself from the hug. “Wait,” he mutters before turning to look Leo in the eyes. “You didn’t want to say no? You wanted to hang out with us?”

“Of course I did!” blurts Leo. “I mean, some things were too dangerous so I said no. But other times I needed to be an example; a role model you could follow—“

“Who said we needed a role model?” Mikey asks, leaning back to look at Leo. “I just wanted my brother!”

And that cuts deep — deeper than he ever expected. His breath hitches and he looks to his knees, curling into himself even more. 

“Sensei,” Raph answers for him. The room chokes at his name.

Leo decides to confirm it, just in case there’s any doubts. “He tried his best…” he quietly defends.

And they know it’s true. Sensei did try his best. However, some things should not have been taught. Off the top of his head, Leo thinks of his self-sacrificing streak and how it started directly after that one conversation with his father.

“Doesn’t make this ok,” Mikey counters just as quietly. He puts their foreheads together lovingly. 

Leo huffs. “Suppose not,” he murmurs, leaning into Mikey’s warmth.

“Suppose not,” Donnie mimics under his breath. “Leo, you should’ve been allowed to make stupid mistakes with us too. That’s what kids do . It’s what brothers do together .”

He shakes his head, pulling away from Mikey. “I—“

“Having unsafe experiences together is part of what makes us siblings,” Raph argues, staring Leo down. How he guessed his argument, Leo doesn’t know. “Being stupid together is supposed to be normal when we’re young… not sure why Mikey hasn’t grown out of it.”

Mikey gasps. “Hey!”

Leo snorts and kicks Raph lightly in Mikey’s defense before sobering. “I guess so,” he murmurs, sending a small glance to Donnie. “I just didn’t want anyone hurt.”

The “again” he didn’t say echoes through the room. Donnie turns completely towards him with a tired sigh, muttering something under his breath.

“All of us should’ve known it was a bad idea,” Donnie tells him. “It’s not on you.”

“But I should have said no first,” Leo protests, narrowing his eyes at Donnie as Donnie frowns even harder. “I’m the oldest, I take care—“

Mikey covers his mouth with a slap of a hand. “You’re our brother,” he corrects haughtily. “And brothers take care of each other. So shut up.”

Leo blinks. Raph nods and Donnie slumps, thanking Mikey as someone finally decided to say it . He frowns under the hand on his mouth before gaining an idea. He looks up at Mikey, who’s on his knees to be an inch taller. He opens his mouth and licks his palm.

Mikey yelps and yanks his hand away, shaking it out while yelling “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!”.

Leo smirks. He’s glad that still works. Mikey’s great with everything except the feeling of a tongue licking his skin. They found that out when he kept slapping a hand over their faces for fun. 

Raph throws his head back and cackles, bonking his head on the table leg and making Donnie start to lose it. Leo laughs as well, half covering his mouth with one hand.

Mikey pouts at them, deciding to flip off Leo. Leo stares blankly at the finger and then locks eyes with Mikey. Ever so slowly, he brings his own hand up.

There they stay, locked in a stare off until Mikey groans loudly. “Your poker face is so creepy!” he whines, throwing himself in Leo’s lap once again.

Leo snorts and rubs Mikey’s shell. “It’s great to use on unruly brothers.”

Mikey mimics him under his breath. He flicks Mikey’s forehead for his crimes.

“So…” Donnie starts awkwardly, leaning back on his palms and looking up at the ceiling. “Leo’s ok?”

Raph scoffs and gestures to him. “Look at him. Plastic surgery is clearly needed to fix all that.”

“I hope you know I hate you,” Leo replies stoically as Donnie rolls his eyes and Mikey giggles.

“I meant the name , thank you Raphael,” Donnie snarks.

“You’re welcome Donatello!” Raph chirps in response, blocking the angry swat Donnie sends him.

Leo smiles at their antics before answering. “The name is fine.”

Donnie nods, leaning forward. “Good, now…” he points his fingers at Leo’s plastron. “No more Lamenardo , no more isolation, no more avoiding, and just be yourself. You’re our brother and we’ll love you no matter what you do. And—“

“Even if I become a second Mikey?”

“ Hey! ”

“No.”

“ And— “ Donnie says, even louder, “don’t be afraid to be yourself,” he finishes. “There’s no one else we’d rather you be… Nardo .”

Leo’s eyes widen at the name. He nods and swallows audibly, staring at Donnie like he’s starstruck. “Ok Dee…” he whispers, preparing for the backlash he was met with on the roof.

Of course, his brothers surprise him.

Raph gasps like he’s the one who has been personally offended and sits ramrod straight. “You!” he growls, grabbing Leo’s shins.

Leo jumps at the action. “Wha—“

“You took our nicknames away because we stopped calling you your nicknames, you petty, little bi—“

“Language!” Leo laughs, even as Raph shakes his legs aggressively. 

“I’ll cuss when I want to—”

“No you won’t—“

“Yeah I will—-“

“Nuh uh!”

“Uh huh!

“Nuh uh!”

“ Uh huh! ”

Hamato Leonardo just turned eighteen. It didn’t start out well, with a mental breakdown that will likely be in the top three of his life, but that’s ok. Because now he’s laughing with one brother while another is in his lap and the other rolls his eyes. 

Leo’s eighteen and he thinks things are more fixable than he realized.

Chapter Text

Leo’s eighteen. He’s eighteen and in the kitchen with Mikey and ICKy, watching along with the cat as Mikey giggles maniacally. It’s sort of scary.

He almost feels bad for what Donnie and Raph will have to go through.

Mikey spins on his heel, slamming down the containers with liquid in them, so of course it splashes out a bit. Red and purple drop onto the table that’s covered with paper towels, just for this reason. Leo leans over to peer inside the bottles as Mikey rubs his hands together, still giggling like the Mad Hatter.

Gently, he grabs a bottle and sniffs it. It smells like their normal body wash, just as Mikey told him it would. He can’t help the grin that climbs onto his face.

“I can't believe you were going to do this to me,” Leo whispers to Mikey. 

It feels like they’re breaking a law right now. Whispering feels much safer than talking. Mikey understands this and leans in too. He gently pushes ICKy’s bowl over so she can be a part of their huddle as well.

Mikey grins something downright devious. “Just think about what I haven’t done yet,” he teases, raising a single eye ridge. 

Leo shivers, closing his eyes as he tries to imagine the horrendous pranks Mikey may have cooked up. He can’t think of any. “I’m glad I can’t,” he responds, ICKy meowing in agreement and making him chuckle as he gently rubs the top of her head.

Upon finding out Leo had missed them all so much and had not let himself loose in who knows how long, Mikey came up with a simple solution. They used to prank and joke around together when they were little. Why not do that again? 

Besides! Letting loose is the definition of pranking people! Or, that’s what Mikey said. Leo was just happy to spend some time with him.

Mikey snorts at that and straightens, stretching. “Bro, you have no idea!” he says like a promise. He grabs the bottles and shoves them into Leo’s hands. “Quick! Put these in the bathroom. I’ll clean up here,” he instructs with a wink.

Leo nods and leaves to do his task, ducking his head as a goodbye to ICKy. Her tail flicks politely as she does the same back. 

Tiptoeing over to the bathroom is easy. He drops the bottles in their previous place on the side of the shower before flushing the toilet and washing his hands. Hopefully, that’ll cover any suspicions of him going to the bathroom. 

He leaves the bathroom too giddy to be normal. It reminds him of the few pranks he pulled with Mikey so long ago. Is this why Mikey never stopped? 

Leo huffs and thinks to himself, Of course it is. Mikey’s always been a thrill seeker.

It isn’t until much, much later that they get their first victim. Leo and Mikey sit on the couch, reading their respective comics when Donnie finally heads towards the bathroom, seemingly half asleep from the two all-nighters he’s pulled this week. There’s a purple towel over his shoulder that makes Mikey cough.

Donnie doesn’t notice.

As soon as the door closes, the dam breaks. Leo and Mikey start giggling like crazy. They know what a tired Donnie means. A tired Donnie will not notice he’s turned purple (or red, if he somehow grabs Raph’s body wash) till about 15 minutes after the fact. 

All this to say him and Mikey may get two victims tonight instead of one . 

Mikey, from the opposite side of the couch, kicks him playfully. Leo rolls his eyes and goes back to his comic, ignoring how his little brother sticks his tongue out at him.

So childish , he thinks. He should really sto— Leo cuts off his train of thought, gently lowering his comic and scrunching his nose. Mikey is wonderful as is! And sticking his tongue out is harmless.

So, just to prove his thoughts wrong, he kicks Mikey back. Mikey looks up, surprised. They lock eyes, blue looking into blue, and then Leo sticks his tongue out.

Mikey gasps, offended. This is war , he mouths. He draws a finger across his neck.

Leo sticks his tongue out again and leaves it there. Mikey narrows his eyes and does the same, bulging his eyes and shaking his head to outdo Leo. Well, that won’t do.

He copies Mikey and does the same. Mikey snorts and then refocuses, making Leo lose his composure. They start doing different silly faces at each other competitively and Leo thinks he’s really winning. 

And then the shower turns off. 

Both of them grab their comics and pull them back up, pretending like they’ve been reading them all along. Leo idly rubs the spit off his chin from his tongue and stretches his feet out into Mikey’s space, who grumbles and kicks him back. 

A minute later, the door opens. They still and fight the urge to look at Donnie. Leo flicks a page and glances up to see Donnie walk out, purple towel on his vibrantly purple head.

He almost loses it right then and there because — even though Raph’s the artist — he knows color theory doesn’t work that way. He turns his gaze back to his comic and bites his cheek to keep from doubling over and laughing for the next hour.

From the shaking on the other end of the couch, Mikey is doing the same. 

As soon as they hear Donnie’s door close, they gasp in sync for air. They prepare for the laugh of a lifetime and—

“What are you idiots gasping for?” Raph asks as he walks in the lair. He stretches his arms over his head and sweat shines off his head. Clearly, he was out being a vigilante with Casey.

Leo pales, remembering how bad of a liar he is. Oh no. This is going to go so bad—

“Leo just shared a plot twist! It was shocking, bro!” Mikey exclaims, twisting on the couch to look up at Raph. He makes grabby hands at the red banded turtle. “Come join us!” he coos.

Raph rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Ew, no. There’s already enough dorks in this house,” he says, heading towards the bathroom. “Imma shower and avoid your nerdiness.”

“Aw,” Mikey whines as Leo’s shoulders begin to shake. He bites back his laughter once again.

The bathroom door closes after Raph sends the finger in Mikey’s direction. Mikey slowly turns back to Leo.

“That was close,” Leo whispers, a grin starting to grow on his face.

“So close,” Mikey responds, a matching grin on his own face. 

It’s times like these that he’s reminded they’re all quadruplets.

They start giggling and shushing each other, trying to stay quiet so no one finds out about their prank. Raph isn’t as blind as Donnie was, he’ll be yelling soon. 

Leo pauses, looking straight over Mikey's head. Mikey notices the change and stills.

“Hey Mikey…”

Mikey gulps. “Yeah, Leo?”

Leo opens and closes his mouth unsurely. “How long does food coloring last on someone’s skin…?”

His youngest brother shrugs. “I dunno, like… a day? A day and a… half…” he trails off.

Leo looks at Mikey, who’s very pale. “Oh no,” Leo whispers.

“Oh no,” Mikey echoes, looking traumatized.

“Mikey…You have a hiding spot right?”

A sheepish smile is his only answer. Oh no .

Donnie’s door slams open. There’s a clang from the bathroom, like someone dropped a body wash bottle. Mikey and Leo stare at each other, one thought running through their heads.

We’re so dead.

“ MIKEY!!! ” their brothers yell in sync, absolutely furious.

Leo, knowing that Mikey will rat him out if he tries to play innocent, jumps up and grabs Mikey’s arm. Better for him to leave now than for Mikey to rat him out!! He hauls them up and over the back of the couch and to the front entrance of the sewer.

“Run!” he yells, already starting to laugh. 

They pass the bathroom right as the door opens. Mikey shrieks with laughter when he sees Raph covered in brown splotches (color theory worked, this time), making him slower than Leo when he’s usually the fastest. Leo and Raph lock eyes as they pass.

And now at least one brother knows Leo was Mikey’s accomplice. Raph looks stunned.

Leo throws his head back and laughs as they run out the sewers. Him and Mikey stumble together through the tunnels, knowing they are so camping out on the rooftops for at least a day and a half. Hopefully ICKy will survive the two angry turtles they left behind!

…they last an hour. 

Leo and Mikey stand against the back of a brick alleyway, both struggling not to laugh at their fuming dyed brothers. Raph’s grin is way too sharp to be friendly and Donnie isn’t even bothering to feign niceness. He dumps something in his hands and lunges .

The dyed blue prints on Leo’s arms, face, and legs don’t disappear for three days. Turns out, Mikey’s food coloring was expired!

Donnie definitely got the worst end of the deal.

Still eighteen, Leo finds himself making worse and worse decisions by the day. He’s self aware about it though. He’s pretty sure he’s finally entering his rebellious phase.

It took him long enough, in his professional opinion.

He stays up later and goofs off with Mikey more than ever before. He yanks on Raph’s mask tails just for the shell of it and is the only one to dare open Donnie’s lab door completely, something that drives Donnie mad for no particular reason. He and Raph teamed up against Casey one time, and that was the funniest thing he’s done in ages. The bewildered expression on the hockey player’s face as he turned into the teasing victim will be forever burned into his mind! And April doesn’t seem to know how to act around him now, which he doesn’t mind.

Leo’s still finding out his own boundaries. What he thinks is too far and what he should be ok with doing instead of scared of doing. He’s still the same leader but he’s learning how to relax, take a back seat every once and a while.

The lair seems happier, too. He allows himself to take a crumb of credit for that.

But he’s still learning and some days he jumps right into his old routine of closing himself off. Somedays, he’s so far into his own head it takes all three of his brothers dragging him out of the dojo by his mask tails to admit something is wrong. 

The good thing is that he’s working on it. That’s what matters. Like now!

It’s 5:00pm. In an hour, training starts. 

Leo disregards that fact and opens Raph’s door without knocking, knowing it’s a sure-fire way to get the red clad turtle up. He’s always been a light sleeper. 

He barely takes one step into the room before neon green eyes are on him, practically glowing in the darkness. Raph glares.

“ What? ” he hisses, not moving from his bed.

Leo smirks and juts a finger out behind him. He looks over his shoulder and then back to Raph. “Wanna come?” he asks.

There’s a dare in there. There’s a plea in there. There’s a lot of things he’s hiding in that one simple question. Raph grumbles but throws his blankets off himself and gets up.

“This better be good,” he grunts as they walk out his room.

Leo hums, knowing the thing he has in mind is something unconventional for all of them. 

Remember how Leo hates saying no? Well, he really hates it. It’s made him miss out on so many things. Skating with Mikey, testing things with Donnie, jamming with Raph — and much more. So he’s had the bright idea of just… taking them back! Doing them late!

The things he’s said no to he plans on actually doing . He’s already gone around the lair, randomly asking his brothers to do things with him. No matter how childish, he roped them into the most mundane things he’s missed out on by simply saying no.

This time, he’s going to shake it up a bit. Raph won’t know what’ll hit him.

They climb up the ladder and onto the rooftops, blinking underneath the sunset’s ever dimming light. Leo smiles at Raph excitedly.

“A sunset? Really, Leo?” Raph crosses his arms and looks at him, unimpressed. “I have never seen one of those before.”

Leo shrugs and unsheathes his swords. “But we’ve never done a patrol in the sunset before,” he tells Raph, turning his head up to the sky and just feeling the sun’s rays on his skin.

Raph hums contemplatively. As if he has a choice! Leo takes a deep breath in and then his eyes fly open as he sprints to the next rooftop.

“Wha— Leo?! ”

He laughs at Raph’s shocked tone. He doesn’t slow down as they fly between buildings, Raph eventually catching up. They run for what feels like hours , going all throughout their residential area. They even pop by April’s and Casey’s windows to tap on them and scare them out of their shell.

It’s fun. Really fun, actually. Not patrolling to save but patrolling to goof around and explore.

He stops every time he sees something mildly interesting, causing Raph to crash into him more than a few times. They almost fall off a roof once but Leo considers it worth it to hide and people watch. 

There was someone getting married outside a chapel. Leo had paused and watched for a good five minutes, Raph just as entranced as him to watch something so… life changing happen right in front of them. Everyone looked so happy.

Eventually, Leo gets to where he was looping around to. It’s a familiar rooftop, one that’s bittersweet to land on again. He spins on his heel and squats down, peering at the museum a couple buildings away.

Raph is quick to join him, shoulder to shoulder. He sighs and shakes his head. “Really? A sword caught your attention? I feel like you’ve been more ‘Squirrel!’ today than Mikey has ever been.”

Leo hums, tilting his head at the museum and contemplating. Is this really a good idea?

And it’s not. It really isn’t. Somehow, it makes it all the more enticing .

“Karai asked me to steal it once,” Leo murmurs, staring intently at the shiny metal. 

Raph’s eye ridges furrow. “ Really ? Why?”

He shrugs. He honestly doesn’t know. “It was a test of some sort. She was still with…” Leo trails off, knowing Raph can fill in the blank.

Raph huffs and knocks his shoulder with his own. “Still can’t believe you hung out with her then,” he says teasingly.

Leo rolls his eyes. “Whatever, Raph . You made friends with the guy that followed you into our lair.”

Raph scoffs but doesn’t say anything else. Leo takes the silent win.

He shifts on the ledge, allowing himself one last chance to think this over. His worries about the police finding them seem silly now, as their prints are unidentifiable to their system. There’s no way they’d find the lair, either. Just… everything seems so silly now that he’s just deciding to go for things. 

“I said no, by the way,” Leo comments idly. 

“I mean, yeah. The sword is still there,” Raph replies, looking over to him suspiciously.

Leo nods and tilts his head towards his red brother. “Have I mentioned I hate saying no?”

He’s over the ledge before Raph can even decipher the implications of that one. He snorts at the silence behind him as he runs across the rooftops and to the museum. 

3, 2, 1…

“ Leonardo! ”

The use of his full name causes him to trip and, for some reason, his knee pad rises up instead of protecting his knee. He skins it and then rolls right back up, laughing maniacally. Leo sticks his tongue out over his shoulder, unsure if Raph can see it at this distance. Who cares! It’s the thought that counts.

He lands on the museum roof with a small thump . He looks down to his knee to find it bleeding slightly. However, in the last light of the day, it sparkles like gold. It sparkles like the light of the sun. 

Leo pushes his knee pad down and continues his heist. 

Using his blades, he yanks open the window just as Raph lands behind him. Leo whips around, a smirk already on his face. He waves cheekily to Raph before hopping through the window, making Raph sputter.

It’s fine. He checked the museum hours. They close at 6:00pm and it is currently 6:12pm. He made sure they took the long patrol route.

Leo’s the leader for a reason. His plans are unmatched.

He throws a smoke bomb down the second before his feet touch the ground. It will block out his form on the cameras. Leo dodges the lasers the smoke also reveals, wasting no time to race over and snag the sword by sheathing one of his own. And then he sheathes his other katana and bangs the plaque with the sword’s history clean off the marble column with his fist. 

For Donnie!

The smoke starts to clear so he sprints towards the window and nearly rams over Raph in his hurry to leave the museum. The red banded turtle gapes at him as he waves with the stolen sword. 

Leo runs, adrenaline coursing through his veins. I cannot believe I did that , he thinks wildly. Grinning, he looks over at Raph who looks as shocked as he feels. 

“I can’t believe I just did that!” he calls over the wind as they run, laughing freely.

Raph sputters. “Wha— You can't believe you just did that?! You can’t believe it?! I’m the one who didn’t know what was happening until you were halfway to the museum!” he screeches, shoving his shoulder.

Leo smugly grins. “I know !”

It’s hilarious to watch the realization dawn on Raph’s face. “You— this— this was all planned! We were going to steal that sword from the beginning! You played me!”

Leo skids to a stop and then jumps down a couple buildings to their manhole. Raph jumps down right in front of him, clearly bewildered and frustrated.

Leo tilts his head from side to side with his new sword resting on his shoulder. “Well… I was the only one stealing, so…”

Raph laughs and shoves him, shaking his head. “You’re worse than Mikey,” he tells him, pointing a finger accusingly as he kicks the manhole cover up.

They jump down, both grinning wildly. 

“Who do you think he got it from?” Leo asks, elbowing Raph with the hand that’s holding the plaque. 

Raph looks over and deadpans, “Donnie, duh,”.

They freeze and lock eyes. Together, they burst out cackling, leaning into each other for support. Raph throws an arm around Leo’s shoulders.

“Don’s going to be so mad he missed this.” Raph smirks over at Leo.

Leo rolls his eyes. “As if I don’t have a separate trip with him planned to make up for all the times I said ‘no stealing’,” he says, returning Raph’s smirk.

Blinking, Raph narrows his eyes. “I can't tell if you’re joking…”

Leo’s smirk grows wider.

Donnie and Mikey thoroughly freak out when they see his new sword. He swears up and down it’s a collectors item so he’ll never use it, Raph calling his bluff and telling the whole story. Well, that’s fine. Leo knows he’ll never use the sword. It’s too old and fragile. It’s just for him to marvel.

He still gives the plaque to Donnie. Donnie, who seems very frustrated. Donnie, who thanks him so angrily for the plaque he has to wonder if it’s genuine. It is, he later learns. He’s just upset Leo desecrated a museum.

Later, once the sword is properly stored in the dojo and hanging on the wall like a prize for all to see, Leo takes a picture of it. He opens his T-Phone and finds Karai’s contact, knowing he cannot wait till Christmas to show her what he had done — considering she’s still in Japan.

The Blue One: image.jpeg

Snake Eyes: .

Snake Eyes: How do you fail a test two years after it was presented to you?

The Blue One: Three*

Leo’s eighteen and staying up late, something he never does. He’s eighteen and stealing Mikey’s snacks, something he also never does.

It’s payback , he thinks. Payback for dumping Elmer’s glue over his head yesterday.

He’s still finding glue in places it shouldn’t be. He’s taken like five showers! Privately, he thinks this is the event that made him realize he’s actually glad he doesn’t have any hair. It would’ve been horrible to get glue out of that. 

The Cheese Puffs in his hands are his consolation prize. Taking revenge on Mikey this way will probably lead to more pranks, but then that means Leo will obviously be obligated to prank him back so it works out. Prank wars aren’t a nuisance, what he considered them before. Now they’re fun because he’s going to allow himself to participate.

The TV plays on, some movie he’s never seen. It’s spaced themed, thankfully, but also has nearly the same plot of Jumanji. He wonders if it’s a part of that series.

It might be.

It’s good enough to watch so Leo keeps watching. 

He should really be in bed right now. Like, he really should be. He has about three hours until training starts (because he likes training and wants to keep it an everyday thing, much to his brothers’ dismay) so he should really go to bed. But it’s like there’s this force physically stopping him.

Leo doesn’t want to sleep. He’s so incredibly tired but the thought of staying up even later than he already is sounds different . It’s something he hasn’t tried before. It’s new!

But he’s tired. But he also wants to finish the movie. But what if he tries to pull an all-nighter like Donnie, to see why he likes it so much? But he’s exhausted . 

Grumbling, he takes a final bite of the Cheese Puffs and rolls the bag up. He places it at his side and crosses his arms. The movie has a giant robot now which means Leo clearly missed something. He sighs.

He doesn’t want to stay up any longer. However, getting up doesn’t sound enticing either. It’s like he’s stuck. Like the glue that got dumped on him yesterday stuck him to the couch. 

For once in his life, Leo can’t make a decision. It’s horrible. He doesn’t know how indecisive people survive .

The movie keeps playing on.

“You’re still up?” 

Leo blinks and tilts his head back to find Donnie standing outside his lab. He shrugs. “Yup.”

Donnie walks over as Leo turns his head back to the screen. He feels his younger brother loom over him. “I feel like this situation should be reversed. You should be telling me to go to bed, not me telling you to go to bed.”

At the command, Leo sinks further into the couch stubbornly. He’s always hated being bossed around — probably because he’s always been the boss . Besides Sensei, of course. It’s ironic, he’s thoroughly aware.

“You know you’ve just furthered my decision to finish the movie, right?” Leo tells him, crossing his arms and boring his eyes into the TV.

He’s exhausted. He’ll make it to the end of the movie and then go pass out in his room. It’s weird how Donnie suddenly showing up can make him finally make a decision. Must be the leaderly instincts kicking in.

His purple brother sighs and hops over the edge of the couch, settling on Leo’s right side. “I figured as mu— are those Mikey’s Cheese Puffs?” Donnie gawks, pointing to the bag.

Leo smirks and grabs the bag, giving it a small shake. “Want some?”

Donnie looks between him and the bag with narrowed eyes. “What have we unleashed?” he mutters before snatching the bag out of Leo’s hands.

Leo rolls his eyes as Donnie opens the bag, popping a few in his mouth. What have they unleashed? Pssh! This has been him the whole time!

Maybe.

He isn’t too sure.

People change as they grow up, right? Part of him wonders now if that leader persona where he said no all the time actually was him — despite all the evidence proving otherwise. Part of him wonders if he’s just copying his brothers now and taking parts of them to make himself. But that’s silly because they’ve always shared hobbies! That’s what happens when you live in a sewer and only interact with your immediate family. It’s what happens.

Donnie leans into him, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Is this Zathura?” he asks with a yawn.

Leo nods, fighting back his own yawn (and failing). He moves his arm around Donnie’s shoulders and pulls his brother closer, so Donnie’s head rests on his collarbone. “I think so… space jumanji, right?”

His purple brother nods too. “Space jumanji.”

They had been able to steal a couple things for Donnie. He got some tools that made everything much faster and easier. Leo had apologized, not realizing that some of these were things they could have definitely used in the past but… Donnie easily forgave him. 

Sometimes he wonders how they do that. Forgive him for distancing himself. Forgive him for trying to be perfect — for trying to make them perfect. Forgive him for not being there. 

They’re the bigger people. He’s been blessed with such great younger brothers.

Younger brothers that are better than him in every way.

“I can hear you thinking,” Donnie grumbles, elbowing him in the side. 

Leo chuckles tiredly. “Sorry,” he mumbles. And then, since he doesn’t feel like he’s said it enough… “Sorry.”

Donnie sighs and pushes himself upright. He grabs Leo’s hand and pulls him off the couch, lightly kicking him down so he’s laying on his plastron. 

Leo tries to ask what the heck is happening. He gets a pillow in the face for his crimes. 

His purple clad brother drags over their big couch blanket and a pillow for himself. He sets it right next to Leo’s head and then throws the blanket over him, frowning all the while. Donnie slithers underneath the blanket too and rams himself into Leo’s side.

“Shut up,” he says. Leo, who hadn’t even said anything, blinks. “We forgive you. We’re glad you’re trying now. We love you. Stop being so hard on yourself…. other emotional stuff I’m probably forgetting right now,” Donnie rambles, rubbing his eyes. “You’re Leo. Doesn’t matter if one day you’re emo as shell and as preppy as Elle from Legally Blonde the next. You’re Leo. Now stop thinking so loud, you’re hurting my brain.”

Leo snorts and blinks back tears — he’s found he’s much more emotional now that he lets himself feel everything. He snuggles into Donnie and sighs. “Can’t have that now, can we?”

Donnie grumbles something unintelligible. Leo smiles.

“Thank you, Dee,” he mumbles as his eyes grow heavy. Huh. Was this part of Donnie’s plan too? “Love you…”

And Donnie, sleep deprived and out of his mind, chirps in response. Leo’s eyes widen and then he softens. He chirps right back and allows his eyes to finally slide close.

Needless to say, they both don’t make it to training that day. 

Cheers erupt as Mikey lands. He bows dramatically once, twice, thrice before Casey tackles him for bowing too much. Cheers turn to laughter as they wrestle, Casey only letting go when Mikey bites him.

Leo grins, crossing his arms. He’s proud of his little brother — even if he just bit Casey. Jones now whines to Raph about the bite, eyeing Mikey like he’s shark. He probably is. 

“That was really good, Mikey,” he praises, and Mikey beams brighter than a car’s headlights. 

April nods. “The flippiest yet,” she assures, as Donnie rolls his eyes and smiles.

“Flippiest isn’t a word, April,” Donnie informs as if this is new information. 

Casey, of course, comes to April’s aid. He slings an arm around Donnie’s shoulder and points his finger upwards. “It is now!” he declares, laughing as Raph tsks.

“I’ve seen better.” 

Mikey’s eyes alight with fire . It’s clear he’s going to take Raph’s words as a challenge. “Who?!” he demands, pointing a finger in Raph’s plastron.

Slyly, Raph looks over to Leo. Leo feels himself pale.

He waves his hands, trying to make Raph not tell Mikey what he did less than a week ago and fails. His red brother turns back to Mikey with a smug grin.

“Leo,” he answers.

The rooftop quiets as everyone turns to him. Leo gulps as Mikey’s eyes harden like ice. 

“Tell me more,” he says slowly to Raph. Raph is all too happy to oblige.

He tells the tale of Leo on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. How they had gone out around 2:00am, a time where most humans weren’t traveling anywhere, and decided to walk across. Raph tells them how Leo climbed up one of the ropes and then jumped down, doing five flips before he landed like Spider-man. 

And it’s decided. Leo’s decided! Raph is a dead man. Raph is a dead man because he’s mean and cannot keep a secret for the life of him. 

Casey and April look at Leo like they’ve seen him in a new light — a common occurrence nowadays. Donnie’s eye twitches as he probably wonders how that didn’t strain Leo’s knee while Mikey stands in front of him, face neutral.

Leo glares at Raph. I’m going to kill you, Raphael.

Raph raises an eye ridge. No you won’t, Leonardo.

And then he’s being dragged forcefully towards the water tower Mikey had just flipped off of. Leo digs in his heels and tries to prevent the inevitable.

“We’re having a flip off!” Mikey announces, grin all too sharp.

He’s always taken his gymnastics skills seriously. He loves doing them and showing them off. Apparently, he’s also very protective over his skills as well. 

Casey snorts at the name and elbows Donnie’s side. “Flip off,” he mutters. Donnie does just that and soon he and Casey are shoving their middle fingers in each other’s faces like children.

Leo grins at the sight, even as Mikey begins to force him up the ladder. He chuckles at the youngest’s hurry. “Ok, ok, I’m going .”

“Twenty bucks says Mikey’s going to win,” April tells Raph. Her voice was loud enough to reach him, so she clearly wanted to be heard.

Raph scoffs loudly. “You’re dumber than I thought if you think I would bet against Mikey.”

April’s offended inhale makes Leo giggle. He looks down the ladder to Mikey.

“You know you’re going to win, right?” he asks, pretending to slip his foot off the railing and wags it in Mikey’s face.

Mikey shoves his foot up, making Leo climb faster. “Course I am, bro! I’m the Flip Master!”

He pulls himself up and over the ledge, turning to give Mikey a hand. Mikey takes it. “Good…” He pulls Mikey closer, a smirk on his lips. “Then why don’t we make Raph and April lose twenty bucks?”

Mikey blinks and then glances down towards their family on the ground. Their voices carry up to the water tower and they’re clearly arguing about who will have to bet against Mikey, Donnie and Casey having been dragged into the betting pool. 

It’s at that moment that Casey looks up. He squints and then there’s some communication between him and Mikey. They wink at each other and Mikey looks back up to Leo with a devious grin.

“ Fine! ” Casey shouts, throwing his hands up aggravatedly. “I’ll bet on Leo, ok? Geez, they’re about to flip anyways…”

Him and Mikey do a fist bump before getting to their spots. 

Mikey sticks out his tongue and crosses his arms, turning his head away. “I don’t want to see your flip. I already know it’ll be bad.”

Leo rolls his eyes, chuckling under his breath because Mikey is really playing this up. “Yeah, yeah, we get it.” He looks down to Raph. “This is all your fault, you know!”

Raph waves a hand and looks to Donnie, as if to say Duh . “Get on with it already!”

Leo shrugs and does as told. He takes a step back and jumps, flipping two times before he lands. He whips his mask tails back so that way he can say he did the Black Widow pose this time instead of Spider-man and then gets up, walking over to join the rest of the group.

“Oh yeah!” Casey cheers, holding his hand up for a high five which Leo eagerly gives him. “We’re so winning this,” the guy comments, earning sounds of disagreement from the rest of the group.

Leo shares a knowing look with Casey. 

Mikey steps up to do his flip. He doesn’t take a step back like he normally does, he just goes for it. Leo would be lying if he said it didn’t give him a small heart attack. 

His youngest brother falls, trying to flip in the air and not really doing so. He does one really long flip and manages to land on his feet before stumbling back and dropping on his butt. 

Only a flip master can fake a flip that bad. Leo knows it. Mikey knows it. Casey knows it.

So of course, they’re the ones that break into cheers. Casey jumps up and down, skipping to Mikey’s side to grab both his hands and haul him up. Leo grins at Mikey and walks over, rubbing him affectionately on the head.

“That was beautiful, otoutō,” he tells Mikey, smiling genuinely at the fact that using that nickname is weird anymore. It’s just a thing he does when he’s feeling emotional — like now.

Because the last time they were on a roof with a water tower, it didn’t go well for Mikey. Now, the “not going well” part was on purpose .

Mikey beams at the nickname before jumping onto Leo, wrapping his arms around his neck and his legs around his torso. “Thanks, oniisan,” Mikey murmurs in his ear before he starts laughing at Casey, who had left them to collect his prize money.

April and Donnie dish it out slowly, clearly frustrated by the turn of the events while Raph eyes Leo and Mikey suspiciously. When Casey holds out a hand for Raph’s twenty, Raph glares at him.

“We were played!” he shouts, angrily digging in his pockets for the twenty.

Casey smirks as the money is dropped into his hands. “That’s how betting works. It’s a game .”

Raph scowls, a clear sign Casey is about to get pounced on. Jones knows the signs and starts running, an angry Raph on his tail. 

“I’ll show you a fun game!”

Casey screams.

April and Donnie walk over as they expertly ignore the two toddlers on the scene. April looks at Mikey with betrayed eyes.

“I can't believe you threw the bet,” she half-whines, crossing her arms but smiling fondly.

Donnie scoffs and mirrors her. “ I should have known. Leave these two in a room together and disaster happens,” he grunts, also wearing a fond smile.

Mikey cocks a hip. “Well duh . We’re the Tide Pod duo!”

Leo nods sagely, closing his eyes. “Exactly we’re the—“ he cuts himself off, scrunching his nose. “The what now?” he questions.

April and Donnie side-eye each other. Leo’s clearly missing something and it’s clear Mikey is now realizing his mistake, as he’s as stiff as a metal plate.

“The Tide Pod duo?” Mikey poorly explains, pointing to their masks.

In the background, Raph finally crashes into Casey. They start wrestling on the gravel.

Leo shakes his head, not comprehending at all. “What?”

Donnie decides to explain. “Tide Pods are the—“

Leo glares at him, unimpressed. He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I know what Tide Pods are, Donnie. But how does that relate to us?”

Raph, having clearly been eavesdropping while wrestling Casey, finally pops up at April’s side. He grins, barely out of breath while Casey staggers onto the scene. 

“Mikey ate one,” he reveals, ignoring the squeak Mikey gives. 

Leo’s brain stops working.

“ Raph! You swore you wouldn’t tell him!” Mikey yelps, shaking Raph by his arm.

Tide Pods are made of detergent. Detergent is poison. Tide Pods are poison. Mikey ate a Tide Pod. Mikey ate poison.

And no one thought to tell him ?!

Raph rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Please. That was years ago. Leo now would have probably joined you in that challeng—“

“You WHAT?! ” Leo shouts, hands flying to his head as he looks at his sheepish younger brother.

“— or not,” Raph amends, watching the fallout of his mess with too much amusement.

Their baby brother ate poison! Poison!

“Well, I uh—“ Mikey shrinks back, chuckling and rubbing his neck. “It seemed fun?”

Leo thinks he short circuits even more. 

Donnie hums from the side. “You know, I was wondering if his mother-hen part would show up again soon…” he mumbles to April.

April nods, tilting her head. “Older sibling concern is never faked or chosen,” she says wisely.

“It. Seemed. Fun?!” 

Leo can’t believe this. He cannot believe what he’s hearing. He just! He just can’t! Leo literally cannot right now.

“And you guys knew?! ” he accuses, pointing to everyone else. 

Raph, to save his own shell, decides to drop another bomb. His smirk is a neon warning sign, one Leo is starting to both love and hate. 

His red brother leans forward, as if about to speak of a conspiracy. Mikey’s eyes widen, but he’s too slow to stop him.

“He ate two ,” Raph whispers before leaning back up.

Mikey’s jaw drops as he hisses in betrayal, “ Raph! ”.

Leo blinks and stares at nothing. His brain starts to load with the knowledge that Mikey ate not one but two Tide Pods… for fun. And he’s somehow still alive.

“ I think you broke him, man. ”

“ Mikey, I think you should run… ”

“ Me too, Dee, me too… ”

Leo’s snapped out of his thoughts by his youngest brother sprinting away. His eyes bulge.

“MICHELANGELO!”

Mikey screams and Leo gives chase.

All this to say that Leo is eighteen and well. Mikey? Hm… not so much. 

Leo is nineteen. 

He sits in front of his father’s shrine, hands on his knees with his head bowed politely. He’s only been nineteen for a day but it’s treated him well. Really well, actually.

This past year he changed a lot. He did some stupid things on accident, did some even more stupider things on purpose, and spent the entire time trying to find who he was. And the answer is simple.

“I’m Hamato Leonardo,” Leo speaks, looking down at the floor. “I’m the oldest of four but we’re all quadruplets so it only counts when I’m taking the last slice of pizza.”

He takes a deep breath in before continuing. “I’m the Head of the Hamato clan, probably one of the youngest there’s ever been. I’m the leader of my family when missions call for it and I never will give away that duty.

“I’m nineteen and finding myself,” he continues, beginning to look around the room idly. “I’ve been trying to be perfect for too long — be a role model for too long. I suffocated myself and my brothers by trying to make us perfect and by trying to keep us safe.”

He smiles fondly and looks back down to the floor. “They’ve forgiven me, Sensei,” he whispers, fighting back tears. “And I think I’ve finally forgiven myself too.”

Clearing his throat, he moves on. His posture slouches as he gets a bit more comfortable. “I’m still a good leader — and they told me I always was — but I also know how to let go now. Give them more wiggle room to have fun, even on missions! It works out really well, actually,” he says with a laugh, starting to rub his arm.

“I like to skate still,” he tells his father. “And Space Heroes is still my favorite show. I love going to bed at a normal hour and waking up early to meditate, though I don’t do it for hours on end anymore. Training is still as exhilarating as ever but I try new moves with Raph all the time, even when I probably shouldn’t because it’s fun .

“And… I may have stolen something. A couple things, actually,” Leo adds, chuckling nervously. “We can’t do that anymore though. There was this story about Possibly Connected Heists All Over New York City and… yeah, that was starting to bring too much attention to ourselves. But I promise it was all stuff we needed!” he hurriedly says, before grimacing and looking up to the sword he stole.

“Well… mostly everything,” he amends slowly, smiling up at the sword. He decides to change the subject once again. “I’m a prankster,” he murmurs. “It’s really fun to play pranks with Mikey. I can see why he likes it, even if I’m not a fan of being the prankee.”

Leo shifts, placing his butt on the floor and going to sit in a lotus position. “And I test things with Donnie! Or go on supply runs with him. He’s started telling me random facts again and… and you have no idea how much I missed that…” He sombers before perking up again.

“And Raph! We’re ok now — uh, mostly. We still argue a lot but… I dunno, we also mess around too. He’s not as sharp or tense around me. He can relax and just… be . I missed that too,” he mumbles, gripping his ankles tightly.

Leo pauses and lets that ring in the room for a second. He grips his ankles tighter and purses his lips. He knows what he wants to say but he also doesn’t want to say it.

Screw it , he thinks. Sensei can reprimand me in the after life later.

“I think you were wrong,” Leo states as bravely as he can. “Not… not entirely wrong, but wrong nonetheless. Yes, my brothers look up to me. Yes, I’m their role model and yes that may sometimes be both a good and bad thing but… I shouldn’t have needed to be a role model all the time. I didn’t need to be perfect. I didn’t need to protect everyone all the time because we all take care of each other the same amount . You… you were the one who should have taken care of us the most…” he breathes, voice beginning to waver. “Not me.”

He finally looks up and at the shrine. He smiles sadly. “I forgive you, though,” he says. “I’m still mad — and I think a part of me always will be. But I’ll be the bigger person of the two of us for now and say ‘I forgive you’ because I do.”

Slowly, he stands. Leo stares at the shrine and takes in his father’s face, rat and human alike.

“Love you, Papa…” he whispers with a smile.

And then Hamato Leonardo leaves, feeling lighter than he has in years. He joins his brothers at the breakfast table, shoving Donnie’s head down towards his plate playfully and almost gets tripped in response.

He knows who he is. 

He knows who he was. 

And Leo can’t wait to find out who he will be.