Chapter Text
Maruki’s palace is… challenging. Not that it’s exactly more difficult, it’s about on par with other palaces in that regard, it’s that the rules aren’t always the same.
The obvious one is that the palace exists in reality. Injuries and status ailments carry over now outside the metaverse. Both can still be cured with certain foods, spells and medicine for the most part. But it’s the damn special ailments. He swears, Maruki is throwing things together and seeing what sticks.
His team figured out pretty early on that every status ailment has a minor secondary effect that helps you figure out how to “treat” it. Maruki was “kind” in that you knew exactly what both of your symptoms were.
Well until the other day, Skull was hit by something that made him mute, but also playful. The second one they had to guess based on context clues. He had to convince the whole team to play hide and seek in the palace to get Skull’s voice back. Crow was terrifying when he was seeking.
By now, everyone had been hit by something strange. Panther was hungry, and cold. Soup cured her. Haru needed a group hug to cure her blindness and fear. Some ailments were harder to cure than others, taking hours to figure out.
Even he had been hit by what they called “forget and envy”. Everyone had needed to compliment him. His absolute favorites, that he will treasure until the day he dies, were Crow saying he was, “Needlessly handsome for some nobody from Hicksville, Japan.” and Panther saying she was jealous of his gray eyes. “They’re even more striking than blue in my opinion!”. A close second was Violet telling him she envied how quickly he became so flexible from her training.
Today, the 20th of January, they’ve secured their infiltration route. They just need to head back through the palace to get to the entrance, then presumably wait for Maruki to contact them.
A couple battles ensue, as they are bound to in a palace. Nothing they can’t handle. No weird ailments. He’s hoping they get lucky, but that is probably what jinxed them.
There’s a shadow up ahead. It looks tough but it’s in the way, guarding a door that leads closer to the exit. Maruki is smart. If they can’t leave they can’t send a calling card. It’s tempting to try and find another route, but the team just healed up and it’s not far now.
“Joker, do you want to fight?” Mona asks.
“Yeah, let’s do it.” He says. Fox, Crow, and Violet jump ahead with him, the others fall back. They approach, the shadow gives them a dark, smug grin.
“Leaving so soon? We have a few more experiments we want to test out on you. I have a spell right here.” Well, they can’t escape now.
The shadow bends back and breaks apart into four Bugs. The revolting teddy bears snarl and twirl in the air. Joker uses Attis for Thermopylae, boosting their personas’ power. Everyone is able to take a quick attack against their foes before the enemy even gets their bearings.
One Bugs quickly casts off Masukunda, lowering their accuracy and evasion. Another repeats the spell, making it actually lower than normal. Great. The other two use Psiodyne, both targeting Violet.
Both spells land, warping multicolored waves of energy make her wobble before crumpling to the ground.
Crow is already calling Loki for Samarecarm, before Joker can order it. Fox focuses on using Ice to hold back their foes. Joker switches into Ardha for some nuke damage with Cosmic Flare. The attack hits all but one very crafty Bugs. The others disintegrate in plumes of smoke. The remaining sends off a pulsing light wave of something, directly at him. He can’t think, he can’t move. Damn his lowered evasion.
Things go dark, and he drops a few feet, landing on his butt. It hurts, and he feels overwhelmed. Tears form in his eyes, it’s not normal. Something is very wrong. Before he knows it he’s wailing, crying like some kind of baby.
Footsteps crowd him, and his crying doesn’t stop. He’s mortified and it makes it worse. This is awful, he never cries, he hates not being in control of his emotions. He sobs louder.
It’s bright again, he’d been covered by his coat. Masked people are looking down on him, in various states of shock. He realizes his clothes are too big very suddenly. He’s falling out of his vest. He hears it in his head now. De-Aged, and Clingy.
&
“De-aged ‘n King-ee!” The toddler says matter of factly. Goro feels a disgusting pang of pity for their leader. Being reduced to a child is… frustrating he imagines. What could that second word even be?
“Well, this is new.” Queen says.
“How can we fix it if he can’t talk good?” Skull asks, he’s scratching the back of his head. Joker mimics this, and it settles his tears down to sniffles.
“He’s so cute like this! How old do you think he is?” Noir asks, she looks like she wants to hold him. They might need that to cure him. Possibly, anyway.
“Hm.” Goro squats down next to him, and removes his gauntlet. He grabs Joker’s chin and moves his face around gently, examining him. Soft features, undefined nose bridge, and the level of speech…
“He looks about three years old.” He tells them. “He’s blushing, which is something three year olds start doing. It could be that he has most of his memories intact.” Goro concludes.
“How do you know all that?” Violet asks.
“I was in foster care for 10 years, I know a thing or two about children.” He responds flatly.
“Do you know why he was crying?” Panther asks next. For God Sake—
“He fell three feet onto his ass. It probably hurt.” He says. Goro turns his attention back onto Joker, “Also kids at this age cry when they don’t have the words to say what they need. It’s frustrating and they don’t have many outlets for it. Right, Joker?” Joker nods.
“So, do you remember everything?” Crow asks.
“Not really.” Joker says back, a shake of his accompanying it.
“Whose palace are we in?”
“Mar-you-kee.” His mouth struggles around the word, his brows are knit in frustration.
“Close enough.” He sighs.
“I’m Ren! Who are you?” His eyes land on Oracle. She stutters at first before answering.
“Oh like you really don’t remember much huh. I’m uh… should we drop codenames?” A murmur of consensus washes over the group. “I’m Futaba, I’m the navigator and hacker for the team. You’re like, basically my brother.” Joker or Ren’s mouth drops a little in awe it seems.
“A big sister?!” He says. She laughs nervously.
“Usually it’s the other way around, but you are cute like this.” They each go around introducing themselves to the toddler version of their leader. He seems to remember a few of them vaguely, but not in their thief attire. Takamaki in particular, he was very excited to see.
“I’m Sumire Yoshizawa, we met in May, we do gymnastics together and I’m your kohai at school!” She finishes introducing herself, a little flourish of a bow. Baby Joker claps for her and everyone coos and fawns over him. Well now, Goro has to say something and he still isn’t sure what that will be.
“I’m Akechi, we’re rivals.” He says. Straight to the point works… But it sounds so idiotic to have said that to a nearly clueless 3-year-old.
“Silly ‘kechi. I 'member you!” He says. He reaches his arms to Crow and makes grabby hands. Crow scoffs.
“You want me to hold you? No. I don’t think so.” He sneers at him. There are far better people among them to care after a child than Goro.
“Does anyone else want to hold him? If he’s three he can walk but it will be slow.” Goro offers as Joker begins to snivel. He stands and brushes off his suit as though being near the floor could have dirtied it.
“I want to!” Noir says. She swoops in and lifts him under the arms. He kicks and shouts, trying his best to free himself from her.
“Nooooo! No! ‘Kechi!” Joker yells. Noir tries her best to shoosh him, but to no avail.
“Uh, maybe I can try and hold the little guy?” Skull offers. Noir passes him over and while Skull can restrain him better it doesn’t solve the yelling.
“Noooo! ‘kechi!!! I want ‘kechi!” Joker cries out. His senseless heart swells with a sick glee knowing he’s the root of this distress.
“Bro you’re gonna lure shadows here!” Skull half-yells. Hypocrite. Goro sighs deeply. More for show than anything. He can’t allow the thieves to think he wants to hold their toddler leader.
“Um. Crow-senpai?” Yoshizawa prompts. The question needn’t be asked.
“Fine. If it will make him shut up.” The words are a half-growl, he tries to regain himself.
“Someone come hold my gauntlets, I’d hate to poke holes in our dear leader .” A sardonic tone lingers in his voice. He takes his mask off too as the toddler is handed off to him. It seems that Queen is taking his gauntlets.
He’s resentfully cute. He still sports curly black locks, and bright silver eyes. His lashes seem even longer, and the way they bat innocently at him makes him all the more pitiable.
“Well, his vest fits him much like a dress. Does he need diapers?” Fox asks. Crow sighs again, it’s long and annoyed. Joker mimics it as best he can. This makes everyone laugh, even Crow lets out a small chuckle.
“He is still sassy, isn’t he?” Noir says.
Crow shakes his head. Crow shifts his weight to one foot, adjusting his grip on Joker. The little one brings his arms around Crow's neck and wraps himself around his chest. He slides his hand up Joker's backside. He’s met with snug underwear. He flips the vest up a bit to find that they’re cat printed. Cute.
“If he’s in underwear, let's assume he’s toilet trained.” He says to the group. He redirects his attention to the child in his arms. He’s shivering, Crow supposes it’s well air conditioned in a medical facility like this is meant to represent. Addressing the group again, he shifts and the thieves all stand at attention.
“Someone go gather his clothes, we don’t want to lose his items. It seems I am on Joker watching duty until we exit the palace. Let’s avoid fights unless strictly necessary. We can assess this situation better once we leave.” Crow directs the team with such certainty, and they follow his orders which is somehow more surprising.
It doesn’t take long. They don’t encounter any more shadows along the way. Perhaps a blessing from Maruki. The whole way Haru walks in tandem with Crow, she softly sings nursery rhymes to Joker and coos at him. It’s quite sweet, in theory. However in practice it proved to be annoying. Joker seemed to appreciate the effort at least.
&
Upon entering the real world the bitter cold of January hits them. Goro feels the wailing sobs
wracking the boy's whole body. He’s only in his underwear with his usual clothes folded on top of his school bag. That won’t do.
“Cold!” Amamiya yells.
Kitagawa grabs Amamiya’s coat and drapes it over Goro’s shoulder, shielding Amamiya from the worst of the cold, but it’s not enough.
“Get Ren’s wallet he’s buying his baby necessities.” Goro says, no one objects. Amamiya doesn’t either. Kitagawa tosses him the wallet.
“So. Where’s the nearest, uh, baby store?” Sakamoto asks. Sakura whips out her phone.
“There’s one nearby. Babies and Things .” She shows it to him, it’s less than a block from here.
“Akechi, are you good to be on baby duty?” Sakamoto asks him. He hopes his face reads as incredulous as he feels. No one corrects this question.
“You’re leaving your defenseless leader with me? By all means.” His voice tinged with sarcasm.
“Very funny. Would you really trust any of us alone with a toddler?” Takamaki counters.
“Touché.” He sighs and pulls little Amamiya in tighter. Amamiya is trembling in Goro’s grip.
“I’d best get a move on before he dies from hypothermia. Tell Sakura-san he’s safe, won’t you Sakura-chan?” Sakura salutes him, and types out a message, presumably to Sakura-san.
“Let us know if you need help, we can definitely try.” Niijima says. She’s obviously uncertain.
“We’ll be fine. I’ll even try to remember to send updates.” He laughs and shakes his head. “Brainstorm how to change him back, will you?” With that he turns on his heels and leaves. He adores having the last word.
&
The trip to Babies and Things was uneventful. He purchased two shirts, two pairs of pants, one pair of shoes, a pack of socks, a pack of underwear, one winter coat, one sweater, one pair of pajamas, a beanie, a pair of mittens, a step stool, a toothbrush, a set of bibs, and a pack of wet wipes, just in case.
He also bought a cheap, collapsible stroller and stroller blanket, so he doesn’t need to carry around all of this junk in his arms—including the child. He hopes Amamiya has enough of his brain to not need baby-proofing in his apartment.
In a bathroom of the nearby subway station he changes Amamiya into one of the outfits. A long sleeve shirt with the famed Phantom Thief logo on it— he had to, it was too ridiculous to pass up— and tiny little blue jeans with a snap button, go over his kitten underwear. Featherman socks are covered by little brown boots.
He takes a moment to snap a picture of this, he was being sarcastic about the pictures before, but the novelty of this is too good not to share. Especially if Goro is right in thinking that he— he shouldn’t dwell on that right now.
The yellow cardigan goes over the shirt, buttoned neatly. He’s topped off with a dark gray peacoat and red beanie. Amamiya holds out a little bundle of red to him, he’d nearly forgotten the mittens. That ought to keep the little crybaby warm enough. He had to do basically all the work putting it on him. Amamiya was able to help, but couldn’t do it himself. Terribly annoying. He didn’t go to much effort to hide his disdain for this activity.
Another picture is taken and both are sent to the group chat. He loathes to admit he finds it amusing. Kitagawa had accidentally added him to the “meme” chat while he and Amamiya were at lunch. No one noticed this mistake until Sakamoto sent a picture of a text post comparing Goro to Naoto Shirogane. Specifically, how Goro couldn’t be the second coming of the Detective Prince as he doesn’t have “Blue hair or Pronouns.” Amamiya was mortified, but Goro couldn’t stop laughing.
“Tank you.” The little boy tells him. He looks shy, it’s strange to think this is really Amamiya.
“Yes, yes. I’m truly a hero for dressing you. When you’re big again you owe me a favor or something.” He waves it off, but Amamiya nods seriously. It takes everything in his power to not ruffle his hair.
Goro won’t admit it aloud, but he has a soft spot for children. A dreadful weakness that no one must know about. Unfortunately for Goro, Amamiya takes his hand while they walk out of the restroom, and he has to look away because of how utterly sweet it is.
He lifts the toddler up and puts him in the stroller, he puts the blanket on top of him then straps the boy in. Amamiya snuggles himself further into the blankets and makes a little contented noise. His stupid heart pangs in his chest.
“All better! Tank you, ‘kechi!” Amamiya tells him, his regular personality shining through just a little bit more. Akechi scowls at him, which makes the toddler laugh. This has better wear off soon.
The commute from here to his apartment isn’t far at all. It’s nice to walk in the brisk wind of mid-winter, even if he’s occasionally stopped and asked about his little brother. This is because Amamiya is encouraging them by waving and saying hello to everyone on the street like some kind of foreigner. Amamiya eats it up, little attention whore that he is. He even plays up the brother act.
It gives Goro time to read the group chat and see what the thieves think of his choice of outfit.
One particular couple is cooing over him now. Saying how cute he is.
“Is your big brother nice to you, Renren?” Goro is able to suppress the urge to roll his eyes. He doesn’t expect Amamiya’s answer though.
“I love my Onii-chan! He plays with me, and buys me things, and takes me on walks!” They coo once again and compliment Goro on being such a responsible older brother. He exchanges pleasantries and excuses them.
“Hah, my darling little brother, I’d like to make it home at some point. So if you could stop being Japan’s cutest toddler for ten minutes, I’d appreciate it greatly.” He says in his sweetest voice. Amamiya looks up at him, and cuddles himself further into his blanket.
“Okay, Onii-chan!” Goro hates the way his chest feels warm when Amamiya teases him like this. He’s sure it won’t last much longer.