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Hughie couldn't concentrate on the conversation going on around him, couldn't concentrate on anything except the bite of pasta slowly making its way down his throat and into his stomach.
He cast a glance down at his plate, eying the food that's left with barely concealed contempt while trying to blink away the tears that started collecting in his eyes three bites ago.
"You alright?" Came M.M.'s voice then, interrupting the staring contest Hughie had with the noodles in front of him. Hughie blinked before he looked at his friend, a fake smile plastered on his face as he said,
"Yeah just not that hungry." He chuckled softly, hoping the others would believe him and to his surprise, M.M. shrugged and went back to his conversation with Frenchie who seemingly believed Hughie as well.
Relief ran through him as he forced himself to take another bite, relief that was squashed the second his gaze landed on Butcher who looked at him with a raised eyebrow and a frown on his face.
Hughie just smiled at him, swallowing the food and trying not to cringe at the taste and consistency. He hated eating, hated feeling full and he hated being watched while forcing food down his throat.
He could already feel the food settling in his stomach and he hated himself for it, hated that he broke down, that he agreed to eat dinner with the others.
Butcher was still looking at him, judging him Hughie was sure about it. He continued eating though, occasionally commenting on the conversation still going on around him. He hoped talking would distract him from the almost cold pasta still on his plate, on his fork, between his teeth but it didn't.
He tried to eat quicker, forcing food down quickly usually helped him, let it seem like it wasn't as much as it really was but this time it didn't seem to work.
When he finally finished he almost let out a sigh of relief, the smile on his face when he realized his plate was empty the first real one since he sat down at the table half an hour ago.
He glanced around the table then and saw that the others were still eating, still talking, and having a good time. Even Butcher had started implementing himself in the conversation and stopped staring at Hughie in the process.
Hughie took a deep breath then, trying to ignore the tingling in the back of his neck and his jaw, trying to ignore the almost overwhelming desire to rush to the bathroom. He ate too much, he knew it and his body knew it too.
He didn't eat this much usually, ate just enough to make it through the day without fainting or feeling like complete shit. He usually didn't eat dinner with his friends though and they would have made weird comments about the amount of food he wanted.
So he let Frenchie put as much food on his plate as he thought was appropriate and Hughie thanked him with almost gritted teeth as he eyed the for him massive amount of food.
He regretted it now, he should have said no like he usually did but the way they had looked at him when they asked as if they were worried or disappointed in advance because they expected him to say no made it impossible for him. The way their faces lit up ever so slightly almost made the sick feeling in Hughie's stomach worth it.
After about ten more minutes of Hughie just sitting at the table he excused himself before he promptly got up and left, ignoring his friend's eyes on him as he quickly walked into the bathroom before locking the door behind him.
He already felt himself shake in anticipation, could already feel tears gathering on his waterline as he kneeled in front of the toilet. He could already feel the relief washing over him when he stuck his fingers in his throat until he felt himself retch because of it.
He didn't remove his fingers until his throat constricted and his stomach lurched, the pasta finally making its way back out. The tears in Hughie's eyes started running down his face while he threw up and his throat burned because of the stomach acid but the relief didn't vanish, if anything it just got stronger.
He retched a few more times, spitting out pieces of pasta that got stuck between his teeth while he wiped away the tears still running down his face.
He didn't know how long he sat there, how long it took for the feeling in his stomach to finally go away; he just knew he took too long, so long that Frenchie came knocking.
"Are you alright Petite Hughie?" He sounded concerned and Hughie hated it, hated that he worried his friend.
"I'm fine, I'll be right out." Hughie answered, his voice raspy and a bit breathy but it seemed to have been enough for Frenchie.
Still shaking Hughie got up, wincing at the way his knees ached before he flushed, getting rid of the thing that had him feel like shit.
He walked over to the sink then, splashing water in his face before he quickly brushed his teeth. His throat still hurt and his stomach still felt weird but at least he felt better than he had earlier, more content in a way.
With a last look in the mirror, he turned before swiftly leaving the bathroom and going back to his friends.
He felt weird when he reentered the room, the air seemed to be different, a little tense maybe but still Hughie went and ate down. He felt his friends stare at him as he did so but he didn't say anything, didn't look at anyone either, he just hoped they would leave it be. They didn't.
"What the hell were you doing in there, lad?" Butcher asked suddenly, his voice gruff like usual but there was something different about it, something Hughie couldn't quite place.
"I used the bathroom? What else would I be doing." Hughie answered, trying to aim for nonchalance but missing the mark by a long shot.
"Hughie, don't lie." Frenchie said then while M.M. nodded along and suddenly Hughie couldn't take it anymore. The staring, the weird feeling that was still sitting deep in his stomach, and the ever-growing desire to bolt out of the room became too much.
He felt the tears run down his face as his hands started to shake but he still didn't want to tell them so he just said,
"You know what I was doing." To his surprise, he sounded angry, not just at his friends for asking such a stupid question in the first place but at himself for getting caught. They wouldn't get it, they wouldn't understand the way Hughie did.
"You know you're plenty skinny right?" Butcher asked then and Hughie almost laughed at the statement if M.M. hadn't told Butcher to shut the fuck up almost as soon as the words left his mouth.
Screw that, Hughie definitely started laughing, his shoulders shaking with it as much as they shook not long ago but for a different reason this time. The faces his friends made only seemed to spur him on, the tears running down his face now because of his laughter.
It took a while for Hughie to calm himself down, to not laugh at the incredulous faces his friends were making. Especially Butcher who looked like he broke Hughie with his sentence but Hughie already was broken, wasn't he?
"You think I wanna be skinny?" Hughie said then, looking at Butcher with laughter still in his voice.
"I don't I- I really don't." He continued, now glancing at the others as well and to his surprise, they all looked the same way Butcher did, worried and out of their depth.
"Why did you go throw up then? Are you sick?" M.M. asked then and Hughie almost laughed again. Why would they think Hughie wanted to be skinny before they thought he might be sick?
"Because of the way you looked at the pasta like it would jump up and eat you." Frenchie answered while Kimiko nodded along both looking plenty worried. Hughie was confused for a second before he realized he had asked his questions out loud without noticing and wasn't that weird?
"Oh." He said then and Butcher immediately fired back,
"Yeah 'Oh' now answer the question Hughie." He sounded a little angry then and Hughie wasn't sure if the anger came from worry or if the man really was pissed at him.
"Because I needed to okay? I just- I had to." Hughie exclaimed, surprised that he answered at all if he was being honest but he couldn't say it didn't feel at least somewhat good. He never talked about this before, he never really wanted to but still.
"What do you mean." M.M. asked then and Hughie frowned mulling over the words in his head. He didn't know what to say if he should say anything at all. What would they think of him if he told them the truth? Would they hate him? Would they think of him as weak?
"Please answer him Hughie." Frenchie said, translating the words Kimiko had signed to him, and Hughie couldn't help but feel a small amount of fondness, maybe even happiness about the fact that these people cared for him enough to ask, to want an answer.
"I don't like eating. I hate it. I hate the way it feels, I hate that I need to do it and I hate that I have to eat so much. Don't get me started on the feeling after, when- when you ate too much or- or enough and your stomach feels full or whatever it is and-"
Hughie took a deep breath, interrupting his rambling before he continued,
"I hate eating, I hate the feeling of having eaten and I wish I didn't have to do it at all. I haven't eaten this much in months maybe even years and I just couldn't deal with it alright? I couldn't, so I tried to get rid of the feeling but you interrupted me and now it's still there and I- I fucking hate it."
His whole monologue was practically dripping with contempt, none of it directed at his friends of course but they seemed to think so if the way they stared at him with- was it guilt? Maybe sadness?- whatever it was Hughie didn't like it.
"I'm not mad at you for- for asking me to eat with you or anything you know that right? No need to look like that." Hughie said then, waving at their faces and smiling softly to make his point.
The others stayed silent still and Hughie could already feel the anxiety creeping up his spine and nestling in his brain. He should have stayed quiet, shouldn't have said anything at all but he was never good at shutting the hell up.
"How long have you been dealing with this?" M.M. asked then and Hughie realized with a start that Butcher hadn't said anything in a while, he just stared at Hughie with a weird look on his face.
"I don't know? As long as I remember I guess but it's no big deal I can handle it." Hughie smiled again, trying to make M.M. and the others believe him, he didn't want them to start staring at him while he ate or worse, force him to eat.
"The fuck you can." Butcher spat suddenly and Hughie wished he had stayed silent, the exclamation not sitting right with him at all.
"You can't just not fucking eat Hughie, do you know how fucking dangerous that is? Especially with what we're doing?" Butcher continued anger so obvious Hughie almost drowned in it.
He should have known Butcher would kick him out over this, should have known he wouldn't be of use anymore if they found out he wasn't how he should be. He should have-
"So how are we gonna make this better?" Butcher continued suddenly and Hughie's brain short-circuited. Had Butcher just asked how to make it better? How to help? He couldn't have, could he?
"What?" Hughie asked, confused and convinced he misheard Butcher but Butcher just repeated the question with the same amount of fervor as before.
"I don't know? I never thought about that." Hughie mumbled in response, still not really believing what was going on but he could see his friends nod at his response before M.M. looked at him and said,
"Then we'll try a few things and see what sticks alright?" His voice was soft, as soft as Frenchie's and Kimiko's eyes on him. Even butcher looked softer than Hughie had ever seen him and for a second Hughie believed that there might be something that could help him.
It was a short second but it was a good one.