Archive of Our Own

Kaiser looked up at the ceiling.

Ugh, his head hurt like hell and he knew that if he moved too much, he would end up dizzy and vomiting. That's why he'd stayed in the bathroom, next to the toilet because if his nausea came back, at least he'd throw up in the toilet and not anywhere in his house.

Fuck, he'd been drinking too much. He had always bragged about having quite the drinking tolerance but this time, within a few drinks, he had already started to get dizzy and to be honest, he had no idea how much he had drunk, all he knew was that Ness in a brief moment of lucidity, had forced him to take a cab and go home. It had taken him about fifteen minutes to get from the front door to his apartment, it usually took him less than five minutes to make that journey, let alone how long it had taken him to open the door.

But that wasn't the point, what was really important that day was that they had won against Dortmund in the Bundesliga final and Bastard München had been crowned champions thanks to his two goals. He was so proud and couldn't help but smile every time he remembered the faces of the journalists who had said that he had underperformed and couldn't do anything against the Dortmund defense. Fuck them, Michael Kaiser was the emperor and would not go down so easily.

He moved a little from the place where he was sitting. Every movement he made gave him several twinges of pain in his head, but the floor was quite uncomfortable and cold.

Slowly, he was able to get back on his feet and walked over to the sink. He rested his hands on the rim and looked up to observe his face.

To be honest, the reflection he was seeing was pretty pathetic, it didn't look like that of a person who had led his team to victory. The more he looked at himself, the less he could believe that the person reflected was a winner.

He brought his hand slowly up to the mirror and placed it there, touching the cheek of his reflection.

A winner, in front of him was a winner.

He had tried so hard, he had sweated and cried almost as many times, he had faced dozens of good players and beaten them and still, something was always missing.

He slid his fingers and then moved his gaze, observing everything reflected in his huge mirror. Because he had left the bathroom door open, he was able to observe what was outside of there.

He saw a part of his wall full of trophies he had received over the years. Several cups, a golden boot and various titles he had won. He was proud of it, he had shown the world who Michael Kaiser was. He was a winner. It was his destiny to win and to be at the top like the emperor he was. And that was what the player Michael Kaiser was: a genius, loved by hundreds, with a luxurious life, a good salary, good health---

He had everything to be envied by others: health, money, fame, youth, beauty... definitely, a person chosen by God.

And however, there was always something missing.

When he was a kid, he thought that if he played soccer, he would become a recognized player and be happy.

When he was a pre-teen and starting to climb up the divisions, he thought that if he played in the big leagues, he would be happy.

When he finally made it to the big leagues, he thought that if he won several tournaments, he would be happy.

When he won several tournaments and began to be recognized and praised for belonging to the future generation XI, he thought he would be happy when he was the number one player on his team.

When Noa retired and he became the number one player, he thought that winning a world cup would make him happy.

When he won a World Cup, he thought that-

Ah, it was always the same... when he achieved something, he would set his sights on something more difficult to achieve and he thought he would be happy with that, but no matter how many goals he set and how many he surpassed, in the end none of them would make him 'happy'.

No matter how hard he tried, how many awards he won, how many tournaments he played, how many people envied him... he never felt complete.

Michael Kaiser was a soccer player considered one of the best in the world, his professional life was practically perfect.

But, Michael Kaiser as a person was a disaster.

The Michael Kaiser that people saw on TV, that people liked on instagram, that people followed on twitter... he was nothing more than a character. He was the ideal of the boy Michael.

And the reality was that he was not as self-centered and charismatic as everyone thought. It was all a sham.

Kaiser had a fragile ego and was terribly afraid of others noticing him, so he cloaked himself in a cloak of false confidence. He knew he was a good player, but he was afraid of facing a player superior to him and not being able to beat him, so he always picked future up-and-comers weaker than him. His phrase of "making the impossible possible" was just a simple facade that he told himself to try to gain some confidence and to make others believe that he could against all odds, and if others believed in him, then his low self-esteem would go up a little and he would believe that he could beat anything.

It was incredibly difficult to go out on the soccer field when all eyes were on you and everyone was confident that you would do something incredible, everyone believed it... everyone but yourself.

Over the years it was getting harder and harder for him and he wondered how long he could put up with that charade. But, he was afraid to retire or lower his performance, because then people would no longer love him and leave him alone.

No no, he hated being alone. Because when he was, his mind started to wander and think about things he shouldn't: his hard childhood, his restless training, the nights full of tears because his body didn't react as he wanted, the impotence of not getting what he wanted... but the worst of all was the loneliness. The thought that no matter how many trophies he got, whenever he arrived home, silence and loneliness welcomed him.

He had bought a huge apartment in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Munich and had filled it with things to try to make it feel less empty, but the loneliness and emptiness were always there. That emptiness that had been with him since he was a child. He tried to fill it with soccer, but it was never enough.

He felt so lonely.

Eventually everyone would abandon him, just like his parents had done.

Everyone would leave him and-

No, he couldn't stand being alone, but he also didn't know how to make people stay by his side.

Michael Kaiser had been raised to believe that love was violence and contempt, watching his mother cry and understanding that the people who love you most can break you. Growing up that way, he didn't know very well how to relate to others and realized that he had a pretty twisted way of loving and that practically no one was like him, so he tried to change a little to try to have something with someone and fill that emptiness he had, but he realized that that kind of love was carved in his mind and it was impossible to go against it.

He was desperate, spending hours training in an attempt to not only become the best but also to get his mind to shut up and not have to face the fact that no one would ever love him in as twisted a way as he wanted.

However... there was someone.

One day, shortly after being recruited, he showed up.

The only person broken enough to accept that love filled with obsession, dependency, jealousy and selfishness.

Along with the spring breeze of March, Alexis Ness appeared in his life.

At first they didn't get along very well, their childish and half-matured minds clashed, both wanted to attract the attention of others and that made for quite a bit of fighting between the two of them. Kaiser would yell at him and Ness would just roll his eyes and go on with what he was doing. Kaiser would get angry and Ness would smile. Kaiser would push him and Ness would calmly stand up. Kaiser would throw something in his face and Ness would simply wipe that area. The more time they spent together, the more the blond would lose his temper and the calmer the magenta-haired one looked.

Because of their positions, they spent many hours a day together and little by little, they both started to 'get along better', at least they didn't fight as much anymore.

Spending many hours together made them both start to get to know each other better. Kaiser discovered that Ness was a person who naturally praised others (something that eventually began to bother him because Ness should only have eyes for him) and Alexis discovered the false layer of confidence that Michael covered himself with.

The fights lessened and the silences between them began to be more constant. They weren't awkward silences, it was as if they both understood each other better when there was no sound. They began to play without talking, just looking at each other. Kaiser would move his gaze to Ness and the latter knew where he should send the ball to. Their play began to coordinate and the coaches and fans were thrilled with their duo.

They began to train together more often, meeting ́coincidentally ́ at the field near the training camp. Kaiser used to go there because he knew the coaches wouldn't let him train past eight o'clock at night and although he never asked Ness how he discovered their secret training, deep down he knew Alexis was always watching him, whether it was because his job as a midfielder was to coordinate with the striker or if there was another reason, he never knew, he didn't care either. Because that empty field that only illuminated him at night, suddenly stopped being so cold when the two of them were there.

"Why did you start playing soccer, Kaiser?" asked Ness casually one night as he sent him a pass.

"To be the best in the world" he replied calmly as he scored on the empty goal. "And you?"

"I... I just wanted to be useful..."

He remembered that night as more than just a training night.

They had both ended up sitting on the cold ground, with only a thin training jacket covering them and the cold quite characteristic of the area. It was a... special night.

He couldn't tell if they talked about a hundred things or nothing, the only thing he remembered was the winter cold seeping into his bones, the dark starry night, the spotlights illuminating the field, the breaths of air that made his throat ache and above all things: Ness's hand. He couldn't recall how they had come to that, he could only remember their hands intertwined, both hands cracked and frozen by the winter, it wasn't that perfect and beautiful thing the movies sold you, but he didn't care, because the touch felt warm.

He remembered the silence between them and that in a moment, they both turned and their gazes crossed. Michael didn't blush nor did he feel butterflies in his stomach, neither his pulse accelerated nor his body trembled, he simply watched his partner and felt that he could spend his whole life watching those magenta eyes and it was the first time they both ´saw each other´, he noticed all the imperfections in Ness's face and surely he noticed his own too, however... It was special.

Ness's parted lips, his cheeks and nose flushed from the cold winter, his quiet breathing, his magenta eyes where only Kaiser was reflected... it was all a set of things that made Michael just want to break the distance between the two of them. His gaze lowered to Ness's chapped lips and he knew the other had done the same, but neither made the first move. They just stood there in silence. And that's because their relationship wasn't tender and full of pretty words, it was full of silences, but that was okay, because for both of them, love was like that.

The worst came when he went through puberty and his testosterone levels skyrocketed.

The changes in his body at puberty started to become more noticeable, not only did he grow in height, but also in muscle. His face was starting to become more defined, more 'square', his Adam's apple was starting to become more noticeable, his voice deeper... and he wasn't the only one, all the team members were the same. He thought that when he got past that stage, his mind would stabilize a bit, but contrary to his thinking, it was getting worse and worse. Not only the wet dreams increased, but also the discreet glances, the supposedly innocent rubbing, the double-entendre phrases, the risqué 'jokes', even the supposedly fake flirting... all this in a whole had Kaiser quite irritated, since his desire to fuck Ness was blatantly increasing and the only thing he could do was to diminish his frustration by masturbating and thinking that it was Alexis' hands touching him.

That time was terribly chaotic and he was terribly frustrated with everything, so he ended up taking it out on other people and 99% of the time it was Ness. But, for better or worse, he got to know his midfielder better.

No matter how angry he was, how much he yelled at him, how many hurtful words he said, Ness always stayed quiet by his side. Even though Alexis had to put up with all his outbursts, he never left.

To the magenta eyed boy's misfortune, Kaiser liked to be above others. He found that laying others at his feet was gratifying and he started doing it to as many as he could, seeing their faces and egos breaking made him happy... and then he realized it made sense, love to him was destruction, and love was supposed to make you happy, so it was all right. But no matter how many players he destroyed, the happiness was momentary. Why, wasn't love and happiness supposed to last longer?

That made him irritable again and as usual, it was Ness who had to put up with it.

At that point, they began a strange relationship that from everyone else's point of view, was a power relationship destined to fail. 

No matter how badly he played, Alexis always reminded him how amazing he was. No matter how much he insulted him, Alexis always smiled at him and forgave him. No matter how many times he yelled at him, Alexis always let it go. No matter how many times he took it out on him, Alexis always stuck by his side.

More than once, his coaches had told him he was overdoing it, but Kaiser kept going. He wanted to test how far he could go.

No matter how much it hurt him, Alexis was still by his side. He thought he was holding his own since he was the star striker and if Ness wanted to remain the heart and midfielder of the team, they had to coordinate well. But, as time went on, he realized that Ness had a helpful personality and didn't mind getting stepped on if he could be a stepping stone for others to shine. It took him quite a while to realize it and when he began to observe him better, he realized how many things Alexis kept quiet just to please others and that bothered him, why should others like him? Wasn't it enough to be with him?

Ness' personality frustrated him but when they turned 16, he began to change.

Alexis wasn't perfect. Despite his cute and warm appearance, the boy still maintained his helpful personality but it was combined with a changeable and quickly irascible mood. Ness liked to keep things the way they were, moving them around and unbalancing his schemes bothered him and he wouldn't hesitate to come to blows with anyone, well, that he wouldn't do in public as he liked to keep up appearances, but Kaiser didn't doubt that off the field, more than once he would have ended up coming to blows with someone. Although he had heard his teammates complaining about his changeable personality and blaming Kaiser himself for those mood swings, the blond didn't mind, Ness was always sweet to him so he didn't care how he treated others. And deep down, he liked that, as it would make Ness stay away from others and he would only have him.

That selfish thought and wanting Ness to only have eyes for him made him start to watch him more.

He noticed that Alexis was a person who quickly lost his composure when something didn't go as planned, his schemes became unbalanced and he didn't know what to do. He would lose patience quickly and his mind would become clouded, causing things to go wrong for him. Whether it was thanks to his metavision or the fact that he had watched his midfielder long enough to notice his little changes, he didn't know and the truth is that he didn't care.

Kaiser was not a sweet or warm person, so the first time he 'comforted' him, he ended up pulling his hair and speaking sternly, however, he noticed Ness calming down and from then on he started using that tactic.

Their power relationship began to change to one of dependency.

People used to say that Ness paid too much attention to Kaiser and bordered on obsession, however, the reality was different, it was the blond who watched the other one the most. If he wanted to be the best, he needed a strong ally and Ness was a rather mentally unstable person, but terribly strong on the field. He knew that if Ness was focused, then he had nothing to worry about but that didn't always happen and he had to step in to get the other to focus.

"Just look at me," he had told him one day, "Ness, use that stupid brain of yours to focus only on me, I don't care if there are 22 players on the court or 300, you just have to have eyes for me."

Now that he thought about it, he had been the one to blame for generating Ness's obsession with him, since he was always on him telling him to only look at him....

Their relationship then became completely dependent, both needed each other in order to survive both on and off the court. On the inside, Kaiser needed good passes and an ally while Ness needed a forward who would think for himself and catch his passes; on the outside, Kaiser needed someone to take care of him and make his life easier and Ness someone to care for and be devoted to that person.

Because Ness was so much more expressive than he was, people tried to make him understand that his relationship with Kaiser was abusive and he should break up with him, Ness defended him by saying that wasn't true, that the blond was very good to him and all it caused was sighs of resignation from others. They had even tried to turn Ness against him, but they had not succeeded. It was true that mentally, Alexis was weaker, but his devotion and love were capable of making him the most mentally resistant man to everything.

That refusal to move away from Kaiser, had made people start to see Alexis as a possessive and jealous person, the one to blame for the blond to move away from others, however... the reality was completely different.

Kaiser had distanced himself from the others by his own choice, he felt that no one understood him and he wasn't interested in making any kind of friendship with his teammates either. Ness had had nothing to do with that, if anything, it was Michael himself who was trying to keep Alexis away from the others. And the fact that Kaiser was a terribly jealous, possessive and selfish person and the fact that Ness was so sociable, always willing to help others, with a huge smile on his face... annoyed him. He hated that Alexis helped others and smiled at them and he didn't care if it was a fake smile and completely studied and forced to look nicer than it was... Alexis Ness belonged to him.

As the years went by, their relationship continued to change. Now, having passed the age of legal majority and having entered the world of adulthood a couple of years ago, jealousy and possessiveness began to invade their relationship.

Ness hated it when Kaiser looked at others and Kaiser hated it when Ness was with other people.

However, neither would say anything, they would simply shut up their frustration and tease the other in an attempt to increase the jealousy. Kaiser started fooling around with different people and Ness started going out to more parties. The passive-aggressiveness and hints began to increase in their talks.

It was quite funny to think that their relationship was more stable in their younger ages when it was supposed to have been chaotic and now, well into adulthood, where they should have solidified their feelings and better understood their relationship, it was quite the opposite.

"Where were you, Kaiser?" asked Ness with a frown as he watched him walk through the door of his apartment.

The blond raised an eyebrow and ignored the fact that the other boy was at his place. "I spent the night with that model that's all the rage now, the one who does the ads for Louis Vuitton."

"I see," he knew him well enough to know his expressions and knew he had been annoyed by his response.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who had a bumpy night," he raised an annoyed eyebrow as he pointed with his chin to a part of Ness's neck sticking out of his shirt, a hickey could be seen there.

"Ah, let's just say I went a little overboard last night...," he said as he hid that area under the collar of his shirt, "but nothing happened~," he smiled at him, ah, that fake smile. "I hope you had a good time last night, Kaiser."

"It was nice, though," he walked slowly over to the couch where the one with the magenta eyes was sitting. Quietly he sat down next to him, "might have been better..."

Ness blinked in confusion. "If you picked people according to your tastes and didn't just go with anyone who spreads their legs for you, it would be easier."

He smiled mischievously. "Oh, what's the matter meine liebe , are you jealous?"

"Why would I be? I just wish my striker would be a more honest man and stop acting like an animal in heat. You should focus more."

"Well, soccer is always my number one priority, besides...," ah, there they were starting again, "you don't know what I'm like in bed..."

Ness raised an eyebrow and smirked at him. "Not really, we've never slept together, Kaiser."

"You thinking I'm a savage hurts me, meine liebe ."

Ness shifted from his spot and moved a little closer to the blond, close enough to be the only thing the other saw but far enough away to put two hands between them. "It's what you show me every time you leave with the first person you've ever met."

"I don't want to hear that from the one who hangs up on the first person who crosses his path every time he drinks too much."

This time it was Alexis' turn to smile mischievously. "Oh, what's the matter meine liebe , are you jealous?"

"Why would I be? I just wish my midfielder was a more honest man and not a guy who doesn't even know who he's sleeping with."

"For your information, I know who I've slept with."

"Well, it's pretty ironic that practically half the team has had you in their bed but me."

"Like you care who I go to bed with. You've never cared about me, Michael."

"Oh? Don't be an asshole, Alexis. It's you who doesn't care about me."

"What are you talking about? You're the only person I think about all day."

"If you cared that much, then you'd stop drinking too much and go with the first one who sits next to you!"

"Who do you think is to blame for the fact that I end up drinking too much? You think it's easy when the person you like goes with the first person who hits on you!?"

"Who do you think is to blame for me ending up doing that? You never pay attention to me!"

"You're the person I pay the most attention to! You're the one who ignores me!"

"I ignore you? I see more of you all day than I see of myself!"

"You don't even care about me! You blame me for your bad decisions and accuse me of not paying attention to you when it was me who suggested that we live together but you didn't want to! You're the one to blame for us being the way we are!"

"I'm the one to blame? Who said I wasn't ready for a serious relationship? I remind you that when I told you to go out, it was you who rejected me!"

"That's because you don't love me, Michael!"

"What are you talking about, Alexis!?"

"We've known each other for over ten years and yet, the only time we've ever 'had a thing', was when we won our first Bundesliga and ended up kissing in the locker room but it didn't go any further, because you said it was a mistake!"

"Alexis, we were 17 years old!"

"In over ten years together, only once has there ever been anything between us! Capable and the others were right, this relationship was destined to fail!"

That phrase was something he had been hearing since they had practically met.

And the reality was one and their relationship was really going down the drain.

Kaiser didn't understand, what was he supposed to be doing wrong? It seemed like he and Ness were thinking the same thing but they couldn't seem to find each other and that bothered him, why weren't they on the same page?

There came a time when enduring jealousy became terribly difficult and both tried to fill the emptiness they felt with other people. The changes of partners were constant and none of their partners endured more than a few days with him, it seems that their way of loving was not something normalized and then they ended the relationship quickly when they felt that this relationship would not make them grow as people, but rather would destroy them.

He tried, Kaiser really tried to change his personality a little bit and thus have a stable partner but he didn't succeed for a long time. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness began to invade him again and he was desperate for it to disappear.

He kept trying until he reached his last partner and realized that the problem was not the others, but him.

His last partner was a good person, attentive and sweet, but he didn't want that... he wanted someone who loved him so much that it practically bordered on obsession. 

They didn't mind if he went out partying and came back the next day, that bothered him, Michael wanted a person who would be there for him and not leave his side, an obsessive and jealous partner. 

This person was quite independent and liked to have his space, another thing that bothered him, Michael wanted a dependent relationship, where they shared everything and neither of them would have their own space... and for Kaiser, a partner was someone who should control you, be dependent on you, there was no 'I' since everything was 'we', should be jealous and possessive, show off to everyone that they were with him... but above all: they should live for him.

And well, that person was not the way he wanted.

"There is no such person, Michael," they told him after breaking off the relationship.

"Yes, there is."

"Who? Alexis? Then why don't you go out with him? Tell me... did you ever see me as me or was I always a replacement for Alexis?"

"What are you talking about?"

"One day when we were doing it, you missed his name... it's obvious you never saw me, but someone who physically looked like him and you tried to replace him by dating me."

He fell silent. Someone else would have tried to defend himself, but he didn't...after all, the other person was right...he was just trying to replace Ness.

Kaiser had never experienced the love described in books or the butterflies in his stomach that he had heard so much from others, but he was sure that what he felt for Ness was the closest thing to love he would ever have in his life.

And that's because when Ness smiled at him, he couldn't help but make his heart race. Alexis' smile was so imperfect, even the dimples in his cheeks showed, it was a little crooked and he always complained because he said his smile wasn't pretty, yet to Michael it was stupidly cute and unique.

He sighed tiredly after looking at himself for more than ten minutes in the mirror.

He walked slowly out of the bathroom and turned his face slightly to look at the trophies on the wall.

He looked at each one of them, slowly looking at them as he remembered the moment he had received them and a small joy and pride invaded his body.

He was proud of how hard he had worked to get them.

Truly, player Michael Kaiser was someone blessed by God.

He smiled quietly.

If only the Michael Kaiser as a person was just as successful in his personal life.

He turned and began to walk toward his bed.

His whole life had been surrounded by ups and downs. One day he felt like the king of the world and the next day he was the most pathetic person in the world. He would be smiling confidently at his companions and the next half hour he would be trying to convince himself that everything was going to be okay.

His life was constantly changing... but Ness was the only thing that stuck by his side.

He moved his head a little sideways, having been sitting on the floor for so long and staring at the ceiling without moving, had made his neck a little sore.

Then he slowly sat up in bed.

Even if he was wrong and didn't measure up, Ness would always tell him he was the best. Even if he yelled at him, Ness would always smile at him. Even if he insulted him, Ness would always forgive him.

He reached out his arm and gently touched the locks of hair of the magenta-haired boy who was sleeping peacefully in his bed.

Ness was an anomaly in his life, it was as if everything he was looking for in one person had taken shape and that was Alexis.

When he was younger, he thought they would always be together so he didn't worry about making their bond strong, but as the years went by, he realized how wrong he was...with each passing day, week, month and year, their bond seemed to grow weaker and weaker, but he didn't want to acknowledge it and kept doing what he wanted. Jealousy became a normal part of their relationship as did fights, others would try to end that relationship and try to push them away, but no matter how much they intervened, in the end they always got back together... Noa had described them both as 'a drug addict and his drug', no matter how hard he tried to quit and no matter how much help he got, they were the kind of people who would never give up that addiction.

Kaiser didn't know if in the end they both came back out of habit or because they needed that drug, but he didn't care. However, there was one thing he was sure of: they both needed each other. Michael needed someone to love and 'serve' him, Alexis needed someone to give him security and to love.

He wanted to laugh at himself, how many times had he looked for that special person and not realized they were by his side?

He watched Ness's angelic face as he slept peacefully. He always envious of his ability to fall asleep no matter how stressful the day had been or how much he'd been drinking.

He moved the other's bangs up and slowly brought his lips up to Alexis' forehead, where he leaved a kiss.

Their twisted relationship worked because they both had the same concept of 'love', both needed the other: one needed to follow and the other to lead, one to praise and the other to receive the praise, one to lose his temper and the other to bring him back to reality, one to get frustrated in public and the other in private, one to get jealous in front of others and the other to keep his jealousy to himself... one had to see him as if he was the most perfect being in the universe and the other to see him as the most perfect human that ever lived.

He turned his face away a little and watched as the other boy shifted a little on the bed and slowly opened his eyes.

He could see the completely disoriented magenta eyes.

"Kaiser...? huh? where are we...?"

"At my place. We drank a little too much and one thing led to another so now we're here."

"Your cushion is too soft...it'll hurt your back."

He raised an eyebrow, "I didn't know you were my mother..."

"I just worry about you..."

"I know, Ness."

The magenta-haired boy stared at the ceiling for a couple of minutes, as if all the answers to his questions were there.

Kaiser watched his face carefully until he reached his eyes, he could notice Ness's doubtful look and knew perfectly well what was going through his midfielder's head. He knew him too well.

He moved his hand from the top of Alexis' head and slid it down to touch his cheek.

Ness moved his gaze from the ceiling to the blond's face, a small expression of surprise could be seen on his face.

He felt the warm face under his left hand and the soft skin of the other. It was quite funny the fact that Ness despite being an adult, still kept the face from when he was a teenager, so not having a beard or mustache, his skin was quite smooth compared to Kaiser's, which was rougher due to the times he had waxed. That smooth skin and those innocent expressions, brought him nostalgia, as if almost no time had passed, as if they were still those teenagers who went to Blue Lock without expecting much and that place ended up changing their life.

He made a small movement to the sides of the other's cheek, an attempt at a caress, and Ness's eyes widened in surprise.

Neither said anything for a few seconds. Well, their relationship had always been marked by those silences.

Kaiser could see the doubt in Ness's eyes, he knew he was over thinking something.

He moved his gaze to Ness's right hand, which kept moving its fingers as if trying to stop his hand from doing something it shouldn't be doing. And Michael should have realized, Ness never touched him without his consent... no matter how much Ness wanted to, he never crossed that line that Alexis had set for himself. That was something that bothered Kaiser, Ness used to get too close to others and yet the blond didn't... That really made him angry, though he never knew if it was anger or hurt, at the end of the day, though he liked that relationship of supposed power and everyone keeping their place, he would also like Ness to touch him and right now, he would give anything just to have Alexis hold his hand.

"You don't have to wait for me to give you permission, Ness. Do whatever you want..."

The other boy opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it.

He seemed to doubt himself for a second, but finally and to Kaiser's delight, he slowly moved his right hand until he placed it on top of the blond's hand.

He first brushed the other's tattoo with his fingers, as if afraid to touch it. It was warm, Kaiser thought. Then he lightly squeezed the blond's hand.

Without a second's hesitation, Michael turned his hand over and entangled his fingers with the other's, who imitated his action without hesitation.

Their gazes met and at that moment, Kaiser felt like he was going back to that winter day on the field they used to train in secret. He could feel the same cold of that day, Ness' warm hand intertwining their fingers with his, Alexis' gaze that said so many things just with his eyes, the silence and above all, just the two of them.

No matter how many years had passed, both of them were still the same two kids who cried in frustration hiding in their room, the same ones who were desperate to find someone who would make them stop feeling empty and the same ones who had taken refuge in that toxic relationship because they were comfortable there. A relationship that was like being in a field of roses full of thorns, where the beauty of the rose and the pain of the thorns are mixed together... people normally wanted the rose and not the thorns but they didn't think like that, after all, all roses have thorns... and for them, love is beautiful and painful at the same time, the one who loves you can also break you. That kind of thinking didn't seem to be very accepted by others, but neither of them cared, because as long as they were together... everything was fine.

"What are we supposed to be, Kaiser...?," Ness asked in a quiet, cautious voice, as if afraid to hear the answer. That answer he had been waiting years for.

"... What do you want us to be?"

"Don't answer me one question with another..."

Kaiser had to bite his lower lip to keep from laughing, even though Ness always heeded everything he said and usually didn't deny him anything, he liked it when he got rebellious. "Honestly...I don't know..."

Ness took a deep breath and moving his clasped hands to the side, he stood up from his position, remaining seated on the bed across from Kaiser.

"I...," he opened his mouth to continue but quickly closed it as he realized what he was about to say. For a few seconds, neither of them said anything. "How do you feel about me, Kaiser?"

Ah, that question had taken him by surprise, so he couldn't help but startle a little, he had forgotten that Ness was quite direct when it came to asking.

Oh, the famous question... he had thought about his answer so many times and he still didn't know what it was. Michael was clear that he didn't want Ness to get away from him and only have eyes for him, and that's why he doubted... he really wanted Ness as a person or he just wanted what the other made him feel...? he wanted Ness or he wanted the feeling of dependence that the other made him feel...? the truth is that he didn't know and that's why this question always brought him headaches and he preferred not to think about it. But now he couldn't just ignore it, he couldn't do it anymore.

He sighed deeply. "I don't know," he watched as Ness's gaze seemed to break and he hurried to keep talking, he didn't care if the rest of the world was destroyed, but Ness was different, "I want to be with you and have you only look at me, I don't want anyone to take you away from me... but I don't know if what I feel is love or just obsession...," he was being too honest, he knew that, but, "I always got what I wanted and that includes you..."

"Kaiser..."

"But, even though on the field we are one and are always together, I don't feel like you really belong to me and that bothers me. You only have eyes for me and yet, I don't feel like you're looking at me. Agh, I hate this..."

The magenta-haired one began to chuckle as the blond scowled angrily and gave him a little smack with his free hand. "Have I really waited this long years for you to tell me this, Michael?" he continued to laugh.

"Stop laughing already, Alexis. It was you who was hoping for some kind of more romantic statement, you know I'm bad at these things..."

"I know, I know," he took several breaths of air in order to calm the laughing fit, "I'm sorry, I knew you were pretty bad at this but I don't know, I thought it would be more memorable."

"Oh, sorry for not acting like the Kaiser you have idealized in your head."

"The truth is...," he took a deep breath and looked around the place, "for years, the you in my head and the real you were quite different... that got me thinking quite a bit when we got back from Blue Lock, how come I had idealized you so much that I was incapable of seeing you? I remember one day talking to Noa, he asked me if it was you I loved or was it the Kaiser I had in my mind, that made me rethink a lot of things and that's when we both split up because we got offers from different clubs..."

"Even though we were separated, you practically made me text or call you every day, were you my possessive girlfriend or what?"

"But you always did, didn't you...? even though you were always angry, you stayed up talking to me..."

"Tch."

"The thing is, that time was good for me to reflect on us...or well, what I considered an 'us'. It made me realize how dependent I was on you and all the burden I was putting on you-"

"You've never been a burden to me, Alexis."

"Thank you, but I know you had too much pressure on you in those years and also had to keep an eye on me and my mental instability. I know it was hard for you and that made me feel pretty miserable, I was supposed to make your life easier, not get in your way, and that's why I was about to quit soccer..."

"..."

"But I didn't because...," he stopped his gaze on the wall with the blond's trophies, looking at each of them silently, he remembered perfectly well when the blond had gotten them and how proud he was of him, he was so glad he had been able to help Kaiser win so many. It brought him quite a bit of nostalgia to think about it. Finally, he moved his gaze to the front where Kaiser stood and both of their gazes met, "because if I had backed off, then I wouldn't be able to stand by your side. I really tried, I did everything I could to try to forget you and make my feelings for you disappear but... well, here I am still, standing by your side as your midfielder... I'm sorry, in the end, I can't leave you alone."

"You're the only company I need."

The place went silent and that was fine, they didn't need to say anything else.

Kaiser tightened his grip on his hand and watched as Ness chuckled under his breath, that half crooked smile where his dimples showed and his eyes got smaller.

He loved him. My God, he loved Ness so much. He wanted to lock him in a cage and never let him leave his side, to have him chained to him forever and only death could separate them.

He watched Alexis' gaze and knew perfectly well what he wanted and what kind of emperor would he be if he denied the requests of his beloved right hand?

He slowly brought his face close to the other's and stopped it when only a few inches separated them. He checked Ness's gaze again and could see the anticipation in his eyes. Without another second's hesitation, he closed the distance between them.

Kaiser had kissed several people throughout his life, some out of obligation and others out of pleasure, however, only once had he kissed Ness and just like that moment, he felt like time stood still.

Ness's lips were rough from the cold, but that didn't matter to him.

They brought their lips together, parted them, brought them together again, and again parted them. This time, when they brought them together, the blond bit the other's lip lightly and then ran his tongue across them. He could feel a slight tremble on Ness's lips, but he didn't give him time to react, as the magenta-haired one had parted his lips briefly and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue inside Alexis's mouth.

He could feel the other give a little startle and thought it was cute.

He felt Ness squeezing his hand tighter and realized that the other was probably waiting for him to give him some order so he could do what he wanted. He had forgotten that Ness never did an action unless he ordered him to.

He parted his lips briefly and in a whisper, spoke, "do what you want," nothing more needed to be said and he didn't want to have his lips parted for long either, so he slipped his tongue back inside the other's mouth.

He felt Ness move his body a little closer to his and used his free hand to grab the back of his neck and pull him closer to bring their faces even closer together. He found that rather hot, so he used his free hand to wrap around Ness's waist and pull the other boy towards him, pulling their bodies even closer together. Truth be told, the position was a little awkward in the leg area, so he was grateful when Alexis straddled his legs and put each of them on either side of his hips, it made things easier for him and also Ness's face was a little higher than his, making it easier for him to take the next step.

They both broke the kiss to catch their breath, it had been too intense.

Kaiser watched Ness's chest rise and fall in an attempt to catch his breath quickly and the truth was that the sight of the other boy flushed completely to the ears, trying to catch his breath, with lips swollen from the bite he had taken and with that look full of lust, he loved it.

Taking advantage of the position, he pulled Ness closer to his body, if that was even possible, and moved his face up to the other's neck. He watched as Alexis lowered his shoulder a little, hahaha how could he be so lucky to have found a person who not only knew what he was thinking but who was also willing to make things easier for him....? he was so lucky. 

He ran his tongue along the other's neck and then bit him, he heard a small whimper from the magenta haired boy but he wasn't going to back down, he had been wanting to do this for years, wanting to mark Ness in such a visible area that everyone knew the boy belonged only to him. He bit him a little harder and absorbed the area a little, knowing full well that in a few minutes there would be a purple mark there that would take several days to go away and well... he could do it again when it was gone. He heard another moan from the other and this time it was mixed with a couple of groans and god, if Ness wanted him to get hard right then, he was succeeding. The truth was that ever since he was a teenager, he had wanted to hear Alexis moaning his name.

Ness kept moaning softly and to make things harder for Kaiser, the hand that was on his neck, went up to his hair and tangled his fingers in it. Kaiser was definitely using all the little self-control he had at the moment not to take off Ness's pants and fuck him right there. The only thing stopping him from doing it, other than his self-control, was the fact that it felt so good. It was strange, it was as if he had been waiting for this moment all his life and now it was happening, his brain didn't seem to be working and his mind was absolutely silent, there was no thought there. When he had been with other people, his mind kept overwhelming him thinking that he was bored, that this did not interest him and what was he doing, however, now there was nothing.

He separated his lips from Ness' neck and they kissed again, this time it wasn't as intense, it was much calmer, sweeter and with much more feeling. As if the other had been a product of the horniness they had been keeping since they were teenagers and now they had realized that it was real, it was not a dream from which they would wake up and realize that it was only part of their imagination. No, this time it was real.

Kaiser didn't know how to describe that feeling, it was as if the broken parts he had had suddenly been filled in, so he was a little confused. He felt warm, his stomach was turning as if he had a bug in there, his senses were completely focused on Ness, as if nothing else existed there besides the two of them. He felt strangely at peace, like he was on a cloud, he didn't quite know how to describe his feelings, but one thing he was sure of, he was comfortable.

He always suspected that the person he was looking for to cover his emptiness and feelings of loneliness, was Alexis Ness, but he was quite an idiot and did not take the first step. And the truth is that he was a little scared, he knew he needed Ness and Ness needed him too, but he didn't know if the kind of dependence he wanted was reciprocal. He didn't need Ness just on the field, but in his life in general and that's what terrified him, what if Ness only needed him on the soccer field...? That's why he was trying to avoid this moment, he'd rather stay in that stupid jealous fight where they were both breaking each other and so at least know that Ness wouldn't abandon him.

They broke apart again. Neither of them wanted to break the kiss but they had to catch their breath.

They stood for a few minutes without saying anything, just looking at each other.

Kaiser felt so good. 

Ah, this was what they called love?

Oh, so he hadn't been mistaken during these months while deciding whether to buy that or not?

"I have something for you," he said as he let go of Ness's waist and reached his hand up to the jacket he had left lying on top of the nightstand. Moving with the other boy on top of him wasn't very comfortable, but he refused to let it off his legs.

The magenta haired one raised an intrigued eyebrow as he moved a little to see what the other was looking for.

"Ah, found it, here."

Ness blinked in confusion and moved his gaze to the blond's hand. There lay a small, dark blue velvet box. "What is it...? a watch?" he let go of the blond's hair and used that hand to touch the small box. "It's not my birthday yet."

"I know. But, you asked me what we were , didn't you?"

"Yes...," he looked at him confused, "I did..."

"Open it, it's for you."

The magenta-haired one blinked again in confusion and intercalated his gaze between the blond and the small box. Slowly, he placed his hand on the front and lifted the lid.

He opened his eyes in surprise and shifted his gaze to the blond.

"Do you like it? I know everyone thinks your favorite flower is roses like the one tattooed on my neck, but your favorite is cornflower."

Ness looked at the contents of the box. On black velvet, there was a gold ring. The ring was not the typical circular one, but was shaped with small branches that joined together made the circumference of the finger, some small branches protruded outward and small magenta and blue diamonds were set there. In the center, all forged in gold was the shape of leaves and on top, a diamond cut in the shape of a flower, blue on the outside, with purple diamonds and in the center, magenta diamonds. It gave the impression of resembling a cornflower.

Kaiser continued speaking calmly. "Whenever we go to buy flowers, you always stand looking at them or even when we pass by a field with flowers... it's the typical flower you can find in Germany, so you can see them in many places... I never knew why you liked such a basic flower."

"Next to my house when I was a kid, there was a field of cornflower," he said while gently touching the flower-shaped stone with one of his fingers, "when I felt sad I used to stay in that field. Also, next to the soccer field that we used to train secretly, there was a field of cornflower... even next to the Bastard Munchen stadium they are... they have always accompanied me...," he looked Kaiser in the eyes, "I thought you didn't know..."

"You're not the only one always watching the other."

Ness was silent for a few seconds and the blond let him overthink things as much as he wanted to, at the time, he too had overthought a lot about whether it was right to buy him an engagement ring so now it was Ness's turn.

"You're... Michael... you're... really-"

"Finish a sentence first, Alexis."

"Ah...," he bit his lower lip and returned to interleaving his gaze between Kaiser's eyes and the ring, "is this a joke?"

"No."

"Then...," the blond could see the doubt and fear in his eyes, "w-what is it?"

"What is this, Alexis?" he asked him as he moved the box slightly.

"A ring...," he answered hesitantly.

"A ring of what?"

"An engagement ring...?"

"Yes. And what do people use it for?"

"To get engaged...?"

"Exactly. What don't you understand?"

"Why are you giving me this?" he blinked in confusion, "you propose to me and now you give me a ring... I'm going to die?"

"Alexis," he frowned angrily, though truth be told, he understood the other's confusion a little. "Listen, because I'm only going to tell you once, so sharpen those stupid ears of yours real sharp. You are the only person who understands me and I am the only one who understands you, I can't live without you and you without me, I need someone who loves me obsessively and you only know how to love that way, I need to be always with my partner and you are the only one who would accept me being attached to you. We both need each other and we know it. No one will ever love you like me and no one will ever love me like you."

Ness gulped.

Kaiser continued. "We both know that, so let's stop acting like two stupid teenagers and just accept once and for all that our toxic relationship is something we both sought out and we're both fine with that," he squeezed the hand that was still attached to Ness's. "I need you by my side and you need me."

"... Are you sure?"

"Yes. So, Alexis Ness, you want to marry me...? I'll be a pain in the ass who will never leave you alone and will always be begging for your attention..."

"I'll be all over you all day, I'll be annoyed if you look at others and I'll ask you to solve most of my problems...are you okay with that?"

"I am."

Ness watched his eyes full of confidence and conviction and couldn't help but chuckle a little. "You know what first we should be dating, then living together and last goes marriage, don't you?"

He raised an eyebrow. "We've never been like other couples. Besides, we've been almost stuck together since we were kids, you spend more time at my house than at yours, even my neighbors think we're together, you know? even the doorman asked me when we were going to get married..."

"Ah, Gesner and Grim asked me the same thing a while ago and one day talking to Yoichi, he asked me if we were already engaged..."

"Stupid Yoichi always sticking his nose where it shouldn't be," he snorted, "the thing is that we've never been like conventional couples, so we don't have to follow the pre-established scheme and that following schemes is not my thing..."

"You could at least be more romantic...," he puffed out his cheek a little and Kaiser cursed that he didn't have any free hand to be able to use it to tug on his cheek.

" Ich lieb dich für immer , Alexis Ness."

The magenta-haired one smiled, " Ich liebe dich bis zum Mond und zurück , Michael Kaiser."

"Me more."

Alexis began to laugh. "Yes, I want to marry you."

Kaiser smiled. Well, his plan B was that if Ness turned him down, he was going to keep insisting until the other got tired and eventually agreed to make him stop, so he was glad he didn't have to resort to that plan.

He decided to let go of Ness's hand so he could pull it closer to the box, he picked up the ring and slowly placed it on his ring finger.

"Ah, it fits perfect. How did you know how long my finger was?"

"You're such a deep sleeper that when you sleep, you don't usually wake up, so one night I took advantage of it and measured your finger..."

"Oh..."

Kaiser watched Ness's flushed cheeks and how his eyes lit up at the sight of the ring, he was like a child with a new toy he had been asking for for months. He thought it was so cute.

He threw his head back a little and turned his head to the side. He looked again at the wall full of trophies.

Those trophies were his pride as a player.

And as a person? what was he proud of as a person?

He turned his head back and looked at Ness, who was still looking at the ring and moving his hand to see it from other angles.

He smiled.

His pride...?

Kaiser was insecure; liked to boss others around; felt superior; fought with other people; was selfish; liked B movies; walked in the park; stargazing; favorite season was fall; allergic to pollen; disliked dogs and cats; was bored at club dinners; liked to tease Ness; resented his fiancé looking at others; was not a person who was interested in other people's lives, but always listened to Ness talking about other people's private lives and problems; he accompanied Ness to watch horror movies even though he was bored by them but they were Alexis' favorite; he hated rock music but listened to it every time Gesner played it on the speakers at all his parties; he was bored by musicals but accompanied Grim to see them; he didn't like planting vegetables because he ended up dirty but helped Noa do it; there was even a restaurant he hated but went there when Lorenzo or Sae went to visit Germany.... Kaiser as a person had his bad things and good things, like everyone. He was indifferent but he cared about those around him. He wasn't sweet or romantic, but Ness wanted it that way, so it was okay.

As a player, he could brag about his trophies and as a person, he still didn't know what he could brag about.

He watched as Ness took his phone and took a photo of his ring.

There were still many things about him that he didn't know. He had dedicated himself to getting to know himself as a player but not as a person---

His up-and-down life, his chaotic relationships with others, his toxic relationship with Ness… he had chosen each of them and they were all a part of him.

Over the years, he had been changing as a person, each person he met left him something and he made all those people who gave him a part of themselves. With each one of them he learned something new about himself.

Who was Michael Kaiser? he didn't know it yet.

But one thing was clear, he loved Ness and needed him by his side, he didn't know if it was out of selfishness or because he truly loved him. He knew that he had asked him to marry him so that he would be tied to him for life, so that they would always be together in that garden full of roses with thorns. But he didn't care and neither did Ness, as long as they were together... everything was fine.

And their relationship had always been like this and both would die being just as dependent on the other as the first day.

Their relationship was not 'I love you so much that I feel like my heart is going to burst when I see you' but 'I need you so much that I feel like I'll die if you're not by my side'. Some will look for a beautiful love that makes them grow as people, that makes them discover parts of themselves that they did not know... they were looking for a dependent love where both grew as people by devouring the other, they needed the other.

What new things about him was he going to discover now that Alexis was finally his forever?

If he had discovered so much just being companions, now that they were something more, how would he change?

“Are you going to show off the ring to others, Alexis?”

“Sure, I'm going to upload the photo to Instagram so everyone knows,” the blonde felt his heart skip a beat, although when he was young he was embarrassed that Ness showed him off to others, now as an adult, he adored.

Taking advantage of his position, he pulled Ness back a little, laying him on his bed and him placing himself on top.

“I'm not going to be the romantic guy you expect…”

“If I liked romantic types, then I definitely wouldn't have fallen in love with you.”

Kaiser smiled again.

What was it that he was proud of as a person? he didn't know it yet.

What would he learn about himself from Alexis? He didn't know it either.

Would that marriage last until death do them part? He wasn't going to walk away from Ness and he was sure the other wouldn't walk away from him either.

As long as he was with Ness, everything would be fine.

That feeling of loneliness and emptiness was not there as long as Alexis was by his side and he would get rid of anyone who tried to push the magenta-haired boy away from his side.

They never had and never will have a healthy relationship, but that didn't matter.

After all, their relationship could be described with a phrase he had once read on a blog: “Not all love is gentle. Sometimes it’s gritty and dirty and possessive, sometimes it’s not supposed to be careful or soft at all. Sometimes it feels like teeth”.