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Out of infinite probabilities, hundreds upon thousands upon millions upon billions of fractals, the careful replacement of memory, split paths diverged into new realities where things have changed, however large or small—there is never a choice he can make that leads to an outcome where Jun is still his.
There are only ever two options.
Either he loses Jun entirely, or he lives with the knowledge that Kashihara Jun—the ghost of the boy Tatsuya loved, loves, will always love—is alive and well and not his.
Tatsuya flicks his lighter at the dining table, the habit as strong as ever. Katsuya is not there to give him a glance out of the corner of his eye, as though he’s deciding whether to confiscate the lighter before Tatsuya inevitably uses it to burn cigarettes. Tatsuya’s lighter. Jun’s lighter.
But Katsuya isn’t here now.
Tatsuya wonders if the other him also flicks the lighter. If he even has it, because that other Tatsuya won’t remember promises made in front of a wedding shop. Promises exchanged, a lighter and a watch. Because that other Tatsuya doesn’t know Kurosu Jun—Hell, he doesn’t even know Kashihara Jun.
And it’s hard to begrudge anyone for making that choice. He knows why they did it. He agreed to it as well. He changed his mind afterwards, sure, but—he still wanted to save the world.
Jun is happy. Jun’s mother loves him and his father loves him and he doesn’t need to worry about being neglected. About being forgotten. There are no cruel words spat at him, there is no mother who ignores his existence until it becomes convenient, no father who disappeared because he was too busy chasing after a rumour. There is no cruel God hovering over Jun like a deadly shadow, forcibly changing him until he is all dark. Until there is no light left.
Jun has to be happy—that was the whole point. So Maya could live and Jun and Lisa and Eikichi and Katsuya and everyone else could be happy and at peace.
No Personas, no Gods, no Nazis, no fucking—anything that could threaten their tenuous peace. Tatsuya made sure of it. Gave up everything for it. There’s nothing left here, so that everything would be fixed over there. Nothing here except Tatsuya and his sin and his lighter, Jun’s lighter, and the ghosts of everyone he ever loved.
Tatsuya sees Jun out of the corner of his eye; not Kashihara. Kurosu, the way Tatsuya remembers him. Lithe and lean and always, always smiling.
Tacchi, Jun smiles now, but it’s sad. Are you happy?
“Maybe,” Tatsuya says, because even if he’s alone, at least he hasn’t forgotten. At least he can remember Maya and Lisa and Eikichi. At least he can remember Yukki and Anna and Noriko and Kozy. At least he can remember Jun at seven, Jun at sixteen, Jun smiling, Jun crying, Jun laughing, Jun holding his hand, Jun kissing him. At least he can remember Jun. “You’re still with me, aren’t you?”
Tacchi, Jun says, ever so patiently. I’m not really here.
“I know.” Tatsuya leans forwards, elbows on the table, puts his head in his hands. The ghost of Katsuya scolds him for his horrendous manners. “Wish you were.”
I wish I was too, Jun says. I’m sorry I can’t be.
“Not your fault,” Tatsuya mumbles, the heels of his palms pressing into his eyes. He can almost feel the phantom of Jun’s touch ghosting over his shoulder blades. “‘S mine.”
Don’t go ahead and take all the blame, Tatsuya! Eikichi laughs boisterously, an arm slung casually around Jun’s shoulders. Both of them are still in their Cuss High uniforms, the way he remembers. Are Eikichi and Kozy still dating? Does Gas Chamber still exist? Do Jun and Eikichi see each other at school? Do they wonder why the other feels so familiar? Are they doing alright? We knew what we were getting into when we followed you. If you wanna blame someone, blame us.
Undie Boss is right! Lisa nods seriously, ignoring Eikichi’s spluttering. Her hair is as short as he remembers. Has she grown it out now? Does she still speak the same way? Does she still like kung fu? Is she doing okay? We chose to do this. Don’t take that away from us.
The longer Tatsuya looks at her, the less real she seems. “I’m still sorry.”
Maya rests a gentle hand on the top of his head. Are she and Serizawa still roommates? Does she still work for Coolest? Is Yukki still her partner? Is she happy? What are you sorry for, Tatsuya-kun?
“You died,” Tatsuya says. Maya-nee, forever frozen at twenty three because In Lak'ech came to pass. Because they made it come to pass. “Everything was supposed to be for you. So you could live again. But I was…stupid. And I messed everything up.”
You didn’t want to be alone, She corrects. That’s all.
“I needed to fix it,” Tatsuya points out. “I was the leader. It was—is—my responsibility.”
We trust you, Leader, Jun giggles, a hand pressed over his mouth daintily. The sound is faded. Tatsuya’s grip on the lighter, his lighter, Jun’s lighter, tightens. How much longer until he forgets Lisa’s war cry, Maya’s cheerful proverbs, Eikichi’s bizarre confidence? Until he forgets what Jun’s laugh sounded like entirely? You did your best.
“I miss my brother.”
I know. We’re sorry, Maya-nee kneels down next to him. We sent you away.
“I sent myself away,” Tatsuya corrects. “Because otherwise it would be the same as it is here.” Even if they would still be with him, he cannot want it. They would still be with him; Lisa, Eikichi, Yukki, Katsuya…Jun. They would still be with him and Maya-nee would still be dead. “My brother, is he…?”
He’s doing fine, Eikichi reassures. I see him sometimes, patrolling outside school. He looks the same.
Tatsuya doesn’t know if this is true. If Katsuya really is doing fine, or if this is just his brain trying to come up with what it thinks he wants to hear. He hopes his brother is doing fine, in any case.
He’s probably making sure Undie Boss doesn’t cause any trouble, Lisa jeers. Eikichi rounds on her.
You wanna go, huh? Huh?
Kehhei! Like you could ever land a hit on me! They devolve into their usual petty squabbles. Tatsuya missed this; the casual ribbing. The love in the air. He never realised how much it mattered to him until he lost it.
Tacchi, my Tacchi, Tatsuya can hear the smile in Jun’s voice. It sounds the same. He holds out his hands and Jun-not-Jun folds himself into them. There’s no weight to him. It’s like holding a ghost. Tatsuya misses his Jun’s warmth with an ache that borders on painful. Always caring too much.
“I wish I didn’t.”
Maya-nee laughs. You don’t mean that.
“I don’t,” Tatsuya agrees, because Maya-nee knows him better than he knows himself. She always has, she always will. Jun-not-Jun traces his fingers over Tatsuya’s sin-singed arm. His doppelgänger, his pale reflection—he doesn’t understand why people always say that. Don’t they see, that Jun is the brightest star in the sky? And Tatsuya is simply a comet trailing after him?
“I miss you guys,” Tatsuya says.
We miss you too, Chinyan! Lisa smiles toothily, throws herself at Tatsuya. But we’re all here now, aren’t we?
The others all make various noises of agreement and Tatsuya’s heart swells even as his brain reminds him that they aren’t. This is him, sad and lonely and missing his friends. That’s all. In a fit of desperation, he grabs Eikichi by the shoulders. “Are you—are you happy? The other one, the other me, does he…?”
Any number of questions could have followed afterwards: does he make you happy? Does he take care of you? Does he remember Lisa’s favourite kung fu films, does he show up for Eikichi’s band practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays, does he still watch Phoenix Ranger Featherman with Maya-nee? Does he buy flowers for Jun, does he take him out on dates, does he still have the lighter, Jun’s lighter?
He doesn’t know us, remember? Jun reminds him. You made sure of that.
I did, he thinks numbly as the ghosts of everyone he’s ever loved fade away around him. Maya-nee leaves first, as fleeting and impermanent as her death. Eikichi’s next, fingers moving restlessly in the air. Lisa follows soon after, her wide toothy smile still on her face.
Jun is the last to go.
His expression is sorrowful. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay. I’m sorry I left you alone. His fingertips brush against Tatsuya’s, before he too is gone.
Tatsuya buries his head in his hands and begins to weep, softly and sadly. The only living thing in a dead world.