Chapter Text
He walks the path familiar, despite the dimly lit path corroded after long years of forgotten maintenance duties. He wanted to walk down this path just once more. He can barely hear the folded papers shuffling around in his pocket. As long as these aren't found for another day, it'll work. He feels the smooth cylinder-shaped object next to the other object in his other pocket. Resist the urge to push down on the metal tab. He doesn't feel like setting a whole wooded area ablaze with a twinge of a human body.
She knows something's wrong. She feels it in her bones and skin, fingertips to toes. Her pretty pink nails that she recently cut short. She has to stop hurting him. She must control herself. The nails that she used to scratch herself until she bled on her thighs. The nails that she scarred her brother with because she fucked up over and over again. Being the elder means being the model for the younger. Means being the person that shouldn't be the fucked up child at seventeen years old. Almost an adult. Fucking Christ she needs to get her crap together.
He breathes in like he hasn't had a true breath in years. He knows that inhaling and exhaling the smoke is shit and it'll fuck up his lungs. Who even gives a damn when you can't sing for shit. He hates it. Loathes it. He sounded like shit during their rehearsal that night. No matter how much water he drank, no matter how much he kept his voice from cracking by keeping himself in his comfort zone. It's probably the cigarettes. Or perhaps the pills that he shouldn't even have. Technically.
She can't breathe. Goddamnit why the fuck it it four in the morning and she's stressed. Her brother isn't home, she's not asleep yet and she's falling behind in her art class. Whatever, that can all wait. Eventually. She can't see what's in front of her, nor can she hear anything. Her breathing is quickening and she can feel herself shaking. Why the hell does this always happen in the middle of the night? Amia is likely asleep. Usually, they end up sleeping after finishing a design. No one to help.
Whatever. Fuck it. He's going to do it. He's going to kill himself. He can't fucking take it anymore. He does have those pills. He tried them once. The pills that is. Didn't do anything. Kinda just numbed the pain. They didn't take away the numbing, biting pain or make him happier. It just kinda, made him forget for a while. What a weak-ass drug. Pills are used to rid one of pain. If they don't, they don't work.
Her antidepressants have slowly been going missing, faster than she takes them. Her mom is practically nonexistent in her life. Her father has no use for them. Only one person could've taken them. Goddamnit. No fucking wonder. She can see the eyebags slowly growing, the concealer he bought to try and hide them. She isn't surprised though perhaps she should be. She's not surprised, but distraught by this move. All she has to do is try her best to stop him.
The ginger teen finally arrives home. He smells like cigarettes. Oh well. At least his sister isn't hear to chew him out for being out so late. He doesn't even give a shit that he has school and needs to get up in two hours. Who gives a damn anyway when you're gonna kill yourself in two days? Forget it, he's not gonna sleep tonight, too much effort to battle the sleep paralysis demons and then wake up all over again.
She heard him come in at four fifteen or so. She's too exhausted to scold him as per their usual routine. The budding artist slips downstairs to check the locked door. Their dad will be home in a few hours. Night shifts are the greatest working hours for the two siblings. She heads to the kitchen to grab some water. She needs a nice blast of freezing cold water to settle her thoughts for the night. Her bangs get soaked but it doesn't matter, she can finally sleep.
He knows damn well that Toya and An aren't stupid. At least Kohane doesn't have to see him in such a miserable state. Kohane has too much anxiety for the grace of the others. She worries too much for him, Toya, and An. He can't even tell them, even though he totally should. Just a few more days...
Sitting at the table together is rough. Usually, Shinei is out but they've both learned to not give two shits to him anymore. They've both been fucked up from him anyways. Sometimes there's small talk, sometimes there's silence. Usually, Ena talks about things, and Akito comments on a few things. Nothing about Akito. Tonight is dead silent.
The atmosphere shatters. "Ena." He says, no emotion nor tone in his voice. His scratchy and rough, overworked from hours of trying to improve.
"What is it Akito?" A wave of anxiety washes over her. Her worst fear claws at her, sending her back chills and creating goosebumps. Her hands grow warm, the blood rushing in and out of her palms.
"I want you to have my Nintendo." He blankly says, staring daggers into the food he hasn't yet touched.
A hazy blanket of silence covers the room, the piercing sounds from their surroundings are so heightened it may as well be thunder up close and personal.
She's frozen in fear. She knew damn well she was right. "Why? You love it so much." She gets out, her voice shaky and delicate. Her hands are soft and moist, the heat pouring out of them only growing stronger and hotter.
"Because." he sighs, a drawn-out, exasperated sigh. "Because I love it, and I love you." He stares at his food, toying with it. A blank face plastered on ridding his face of any emotion, he rips off the band aid and addresses the elephant in the room. "I'm going to kill myself tonight."
Ena nearly dropped the glass of water she was holding. Her face morphing into distress, her eyes filling with warm salt water. Her face goes sour, holding back her tears, barely keeping herself together. She can feel her hands trembling. She balls them into fists, squeezing as hard as she can. She drops her face, not wanting to redo her makeup later, but really what's a little makeup that you can re-apply compared to an older sister burying her baby brother? She doesn't actually care about her makeup. She just doesn't want him to see her cry.
Unfortunately for her, Akito has used the same tactic, used it plenty of times. He probably got it from her. That doesn't stop his eyes from seeing the tablecloth darken in patches from her tears. Oh, how he wants to lift her head and wipe her tears off. But he doesn't. Instead, he waits.
Ena finally musters up the courage to speak again. This isn't like telling Mizuki that she'll wait an eternity for her, this isn't like telling Mafuyu that she needs to let loose. This isn't like worrying over Kanade overworking herself just for another person. She can't yell, she can't scream. She can barely get a sound out. When she does, it's quiet with breaths in the middle of words.
"Why? Why are you going to do this? To yourself?" Her hands are full of sweat, the napkin she had been using for food now soaking up her sweat that's dripping into her lap.
"Because. Because I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm done with this shitty, fucked up world that this place is." He says, not skipping a beat, as if he's rehearsed this entire scene line by line in his head for hours.
Ena stares at his face, getting a good look at him. there are eye bags under his eyes, and his sleeves are loose. She swears she saw a white fabric under his navy blue shirt. She inhaled his smell again, seeing if there was anything off about him. Smoke.
"What happened to not smoking?" She asks nervously, waiting for a negative response. Akito only ever smoked when his mental health was down the drain and Ena knew that the lingering smell of smoke had been in the house for a few weeks. She also knew that VIvid Bad Squad also kept him in check, so she knew that he'd been lying to them.
Akito feels his eyes glass over at the question. He knows that his sister's intuition is a strong suit of hers. With a blank monotone voice, he replies. "It's just..I. I don't even know." He exhales slowly, concentrating on not blinking, trying to contain the tears that are threatening to spill out of his eyes. There's only so much space in an area before it spills over and overflows. You can only hold so much to your heart.
Ena can't even bring herself to look at him. She doesn't want to see her brother cry. She's heard him come home every night and collapse on his bed and not so silently cry. Perhaps her parents don't hear, but she does. Perhaps that's why she put her bed and desk against the same wall.
He can feel the hot tears start to roll down his face. They make him feel like he's crying fire, burning on his face and staying there permanently. He gets up, not wasting a beat. the minute they touched his skin he was sprinting to his room, he couldn't bear crying in front of Ena. Akito shuts the door but doesn't lock it. Careful to not slam the door, he closes it and presses his back against the wood. His knees folded under him, his back slowly sliding down the wood. He can't even get through dinner. He didn't even eat anything. Oh well, who gives a damn anyways. It's not like he'll need to anymore.
Ena stares at her brother running off in his room. She's worried that he didn't eat, the full plate of food now cold and untouched. She's more worried that he may lock himself in. She's really worried. She glances at the time on her phone, six fifty-seven. She needs to head to art class in fifteen minutes but she doesn't even know if she should go after the conversation she just had with her brother. Oh, what to do what to do, she knows she should go to class but for her own anxiety, she should stay home. It only took a few more minutes for her to come to a conclusion. She sits at her desk and starts typing an email.
Fuck fuck fuck, why the hell is he such a coward and ran off. It's what he always does, he gets scared and then flees and hides to avoid all his problems. If he hides for long enough, one day they won't be there.
He hears Ena typing on her laptop, he's hoping that she just goes to class so he doesn't have to worry about her hearing what he's about do. The typing stops and he hears a few clicks from her mouse. The chair she has rolls back a bit, and he hears her softly walk to her door, opening and shutting it. They've learned to walk quietly in this house. Where the creaky floorboards are and how to close a door without a sound.
She knocks on his door but doesn't open it, she's nervous but stabilizes her voice enough to speak coherently. "Akito, I'm not going to class tonight, I'm still unsure if I'll talk with my friends tonight, however, you are free to walk into my room at any time." She waits a moment, listening for movement. She can hear blankets ruffling between fabrics and a charging cord falling on the floor. She hears the rustle of papers and the sound of rolling pens on a desk. But she doesn't hear a peep out of Akito. The pens and paper worry Ena, she's not stupid, she knows what he's probably doing. He's writing letters.
Damnit, he was hoping that she would leave for class and then he could just have some peace and quiet in his last hours. He should really go to Ena, even if he doesn't want to. All he wants to do is cry into her arms one last time. Except he hasn't done that since he was twelve. Before he met Toya, Ena was the only one he felt safe with. That and the Shiraishi's. Oh An's father, Ken. Ken was like the supportive father he never had. Their presence is warm, they basically took him in and cradled him, their hugs covering every inch of him like a blanket that's the perfect size.
enanan:
hey guys, i don't think i'll be on call tonight, something came up with my family. i can respond to messages but that's it. please don't ask questions right now.
k:
got it, hope you're alright enanan.
yuki:
thanks for telling us.
amia: call or text me if you need anything please even if you want to vent without worrying over a response, don't do anything stupid.
enanan:
i'll try, amia. thanks everyone.
ena shinonome:
has akito been acting different lately? he's worrying me.
an shiraishi:
akito? weird?? of course he's different. he has been, how do i put this? strange i guess. he's less playful, like he's teasing me less and he kinda seems, sad just a bit.
kohammy:
uh, yeah he's been a bit off, his singing is less powerful and it sounds like he's overworking himself again. i think its getting hard for him to get enough air lately, sometimes i notice it's hard for him to breathe.
toya aoyagi:
Akito? He certainly has been sad. He's had this faint smell of smoke on him recently except a few days ago I noticed it was stronger. I'm pretty sure that the bags under his eyes are darker, he seems really tired recently. His sleeves are also longer all day, even when I see him walking out of gym class, his sleeves are down instead of rolled up like they usually are. Is something wrong Ena-san? What's wrong with Akito? What did he do?
ena shinonome
thanks, this helps. i won't give details but i think akito's been burdening the start of a relapse. unfortunately, i think this is the height of it. i'll text if anything else happens.
an shiraishi:
i think i speak for all of us when i say, thank you ena-san.
Oh Toya, oh his Toya. His beautiful boyfriend. Oh, he is going to miss his comfort, sitting in silence in each other's arms with no words exchanged. It's just how they worked, just being next to each other was enough for them. Knowing that they cared for each other was enough for them. He hoped Ena would let Toya in whenever he needed a safe place to land after a rough night with his father. He's going to miss Toya's soft lips against his and the feeling of his hands giving him security. The cool temperature of his body cooled down Akito's constant overheating. They were like fire and ice, wind and water, sun and moon. But even so, the sun is a star and will eventually explode, dying and creating a nebula. The stardust spreading throughout the cosmos, affecting everything in its path.
She should've seen it coming. Another relapse. She's so frustrated. Stupid. Angry at herself for not noticing sooner. She needs to check on Akito again, his room feels too quiet but she hasn't heard him leave his room which is good. The alarm hasn't gone off yet, it's still on. She would've heard it go off but she knows Akito's smarter than forgetting to turn off the alarm when he leaves the house. Especially at night. But she hasn't heard the beeps that the alarm buttons make when turning off the alarm sound so she knows he's still in the house. She gets up and looks at the bathroom light, it's still off and the door is open. He's in his room still, thank goodness.
His hand is cramping from all the writing he's doing. He really could've typed this or written more of them days previous but this is the consequence of deciding to kill yourself two days ago. He's writing his sister's last, there's too much he wants to say to her. He's currently writing his father's. Akito hates him, he doesn't support Ena's artistic path she's choosing to follow, nor does he think that mental health matters. How Ena got Prozac as a minor is astounding to him. He feels bad for taking it, but he wants a guaranteed way to die. He's not stupid, he knows that if he waits it out for long enough, and someone finds him with the medication still in his stomach, then he'll just end up alive. Akito wants a surefire way. He's too young to purchase a gun, he doesn't look like an adult either. Smoking his lungs away has started to get obvious, plus it's a slow way to die anyway. He really can't buy rope. For some reason, his father just knows when any type of hardware is purchased even if he wasn't there when it was bought.
Ena's anxiety is getting to her, she knows damn well what it's about. She can't even fathom the thought of not having her brother around even if they don't see each other a lot. She doesn't know what to do without him, he's the only good part of her family left. Perhaps she should go tell him that she was planning to move out the moment she turned of age. She really should go tell him but it's so hard to keep her eyes open, despite not taking her melatonin. Perhaps she should join the Nightcord call just to stay awake despite thinking she shouldn't as she'd get too distracted. Or set an alarm just in case.
Akito can't wait that long. He wants to move out with his sister but she's never mentioned even wanting to move out. He knows that likely she wants to, she hates their father as much as he does. He doesn't even have the courage to ask her like the absolute coward of a person he is. A sorry excuse of a brother. He can't even do shit if his life depended on it like the worthless loser he is.
She feels her body getting more and more exhausted as the night passes on. Though she only woke up at twelve this afternoon, she's only tired after just ten hours of being awake, most people are awake for much longer than that. Her eyes are heavy and even though she should sleep, she doesn't want too, not if it means risking the cost of her brother. She only needs to hold on for a little longer..A, lit..tle...lo..ng..e...rrrrrrrrrrrr.....