Chapter Text
Make sure you’re following your heart, not Christopher’s. Carla had said, and Eddie hadn’t understood what she meant. Chris was his heart, his soul, his everything. Every single choice he made, was made with Chris’ well-being at the forefront, that was part of being a parent.
Well, the kind of parent he was trying to be, at least. One who put the needs of their child before any of their own, the kind that nurtured, instead of suffocated, like he had grown up with. He spent his entire childhood feeling like he was being slowly buried alive under the expectations that were placed upon his adolescent shoulders, and he never wanted that for his son, had moved hundreds of miles away to make sure it didn’t happen.
Chris was joy , through and through. His wide-eyed wonder as Buck would share facts about what his latest hyper-fixation was at the time, his victorious giggles after a well-earned video game win, his soft smiles and drowsy “Love you, Dad” at bedtime each night. He was Eddie’s joy, his salvation , the St. Christopher’s medal and frayed picture that got him out of that god forsaken desert and back home to that wide grin, so, of course, Chris’ heart was the most important thing, and he just couldn’t fathom whatever point Carla was trying to make.
Until…
Until an awful, familiar sound rang out around him, reverberating in his eardrums, an even more familiar burn tearing through his upper shoulder as a bullet ripped through him in the middle of a beautiful Los Angeles morning.
Until he got caught in Buck’s beautiful, worried, determined blue eyes and he can’t think of anything other than I have to get to Buck, everything will make sense, and everything will be okay if I can just get to him. Don’t let him be hurt, please, Chris needs him, I need him, please.
~
Ana is by his side as he wakes up in the hospital, but the first thing out of his mouth is Buck’s name, needing to make sure he’s actually fine, that he wasn’t hiding an injury that would have kept him from Eddie’s side. Ana assures him that he’s been taking care of Chris, and Eddie can’t help but feel the rush of warmth that fills him at that, knowing that he made the right choice listing Buck as Chris’ guardian, even if nobody other than Eddie knew about that little nugget of information. He feels guilty, because Ana is his girlfriend, and has been for several months, but he didn’t think of her when he was bleeding out in the street, and that says something that he tries not to examine too closely, especially when he finds out Buck is dating Taylor freaking Kelly at his welcome home party.
He also tries not to feel too smug when Taylor leaves alone because Buck has volunteered to stay at the Diaz house while Eddie recovers. Between getting Chris up and ready for school each morning, then driving him to school or activities, and making sure Eddie is on time with his medication, and taking him to and from physical therapy, checkups and regular therapy (because being gunned down in the street made him realize he hadn’t actually dealt with his PTSD from Afghanistan, and wasn’t that a bitch of a realization to come to, waking up with nightmares almost nightly? Though, Buck stumbling into his room in the middle of the night, sleep mussed and soft was something that Eddie could absolutely get used to. That’s another thing he was working through in therapy. Nothing like a gold old fashioned sexuality crisis in his 30’s to really round out the traumatic experience.)
Ana is trying to be understanding, but their relationship stagnated a little while he was healing, and while Eddie wasn’t all that torn up about it, she was not so patiently hinting that she was ready to get back to what they were before and take the next step.
Eventually, Eddie heals up enough to go back to work, and Buck moves back into his loft, and Eddie is out of excuses when it comes to his relationship. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling, and therapy is leaving him almost more wrung out than the bullet did.
He doesn’t understand his hesitancy, for all accounts and purposes, Ana is perfect. She’s smart, sweet, meek without being a pushover, she’s caring, and she loves kids. She and Chris get along, (the runaway incident not-withstanding). In short, she’s exactly the kind of woman his parents would pick for him, which leaves him with a lot of feelings, none that he has been able to work through yet.
Partly, he feels relief. Almost pride, like he’s finally walking the path he was supposed to. His family didn’t like Shannon and look how that turned out: Her abandoning them in the middle of the night, only to show up years later, just long enough for Eddie to get sucked in again, and then be handed divorce papers that he doesn’t get the chance to fill out before she dies on him.
So, maybe following his family's guidelines wouldn’t be the worst thing. Their relationship is… nice. It’s easy, and fine and nice. She’s nice, the relationship is nice, the sex is nice, everything is just… fine.
He never understood sex and relationships, never felt the burning need to get with the hottest girls in school like his friends did. He can see that Ana is beautiful, can understand that her olive skin and light curves and kind smile make her desirable, he knows how pretty she looks sprawled out under him in her bed (never his, never at his home, always at her place, at his insistence), her dark curls splashed against her light sheets, a flush on her cheeks as she begs him to make her cum, but he just doesn’t… get it.
Yes, orgasms are nice, they feel good in the moment, but it always leaves him feeling kind of cold and empty inside. Which is, apparently, not what you’re supposed to feel after being intimate with someone you’re committed to.
So maybe, Eddie is just broken, somewhere inside. Maybe his ability to have a normal, intimate connection was one of the pieces he’d left in a warzone, halfway across the world. Or maybe it was broken during his childhood, something about attachment styles and emotional needs not being met.
Or maybe, the most terrifying option, is that Eddie was just born broken. That he has just always been this, unable to want somebody in that way, and if that’s the truth, then why not settle with someone who is nice and kind and smart and caring?
Other times, he feels ashamed, almost angry at himself, for picking someone his parents would like, because he hasn’t approved of so many choices they’ve made, in regard to their treatment of him, Chris, Shannon, and even his sisters and their families. Always hovering, shoving their own beliefs down their throats and condemning them the second any of them make a choice they don’t approve of.
All this to say, Eddie is a mess of emotions, he’s exhausted and wound tight, trying to juggle his kid, the job, the ever-growing demands of his girlfriend as well as trying to heal the mental and psychological trauma that he’s repressed for God knows how long, resulting in one hell of a panic attack at the suit shop.
Then, the city blacks out, and he’s remanded to the fire station until the power comes back on. Ana and Chris drop off food, Ana with a strained smile and a not so subtle hint of a conversation when he gets home, her eyes cutting to where Chris is hanging from Buck’s bulging arms, both their heads tipped back in laughter, and Eddie can’t look away from the joy that image brings, their dirty blonde curls nearly identical, and the happiness that surrounds them makes Eddie wish he could just curl up and live in that moment with them.
But, like all moments, it ends. Ana takes Chris home, and Eddie tries to shove down the relief he feels as he watches her leave, and then shoves down the guilt that comes after the relief.
Then, Buck is confronting him, like he can see through Eddie, to the heart of all his issues. Part of him wants to rip open his chest and show it all to Buck, tell him every single thought he’s had in the last several months, starting with I think you might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I feel so guilty for thinking then when I go out with my girlfriend, and ending with I think I’m broken on a fundamental level and I’m scared that I’ll never actually be truly happy.
He says none of that, of course. He blames his panic attacks on the thought of a ready-made family and tries to brush Buck off. I have been Ana; I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who is not all the way in. Deep down, you know it, and it hurts, so if you don’t want to hurt Ana, you owe it to her to be honest.
The truth is, it’s not the fact that he, Ana and Chris seem to be a family that’s making him panic. No, it’s the fact that he doesn’t want her to be family. He already has a family, and that includes a certain blue eyed, golden retriever partner that he thinks might be the love of his life, and the thought of replacing him, of filling his spot in their life with anybody else, that’s what he can’t handle.
So, when the blackout finally ends, he begrudgingly changes out of his uniform, and heads home to a giggling son and a messy kitchen from making the dozens of muffins that are stuffed in every nook and cranny of his kitchen and dining room. When Ana volunteers to clean the kitchen, he knows he has to do it now, that he can’t drag it out any longer.
What he isn’t expecting is her response. “No. No, we’re not breaking up. You will learn to love me.” She insists, staring at him from where she’s leaning on the counter across the kitchen. “You will learn to love me, and we will be happy.”
He just shakes his head. “I should have said something sooner, and I’m sorry for leading you on like this, but Ana, we’ve been dating for over 6 months. If it was going to happen, it would have already. You’re a wonderful woman, and you deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve, but that person is not me. I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head furiously and reaches into her pocket to grab something before slamming it on the counter next to him. “No. We are not breaking up. I will leave to let you get some rest and come to your senses, but we will be talking about this later.” She informs him before sweeping out of the room in a flurry of fabric. He hears her say goodbye to Chris, and then hears the front door open and close, but he can’t focus on any of that, too shocked by what she placed on the counter.
It’s a pregnancy test. A positive pregnancy test.
Ana is pregnant…
He doesn’t even remember pulling his phone out or clicking on his most recent contact. All he knows is that Buck picks up on the second ring, and before he can say anything in greeting, Eddie chokes out: “I need you.”
There’s no hesitation when Buck responds. “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 10.”