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Things should've been better. The merging of the Bakery and Bar was going far better than it had any right to, as far as Izzy was concerned, Edward was getting out of bed again with Stede Fucking Bonnet back, things were supposed to be good again.
Things were, to be fair, probably better for Ed (and Izzy was man enough to admit they were likely also better for Stede) But they...probably weren't so much better for him.
If it was possible to work yourself to death, Izzy was giving it a good effort.
Bonnet had come back to most of his things gone. His clothes, his books, and a lot of his little knickknacks, were either ruined in Ed's fury or thrown out in one of his more misery-driven moments.
"It was me." Izzy had said, had met Bonnet's eyes, and had not flinched. "I did it."
If Bonnet hadn't forgiven Edward...well. Edward would never forgive Izzy. He understood that. That was fine. He'd gone 20 years with Edward barely giving him the time of day despite Izzy being the one to keep a roof over their heads.
If Bonnet didn't forgive Edward, he'd be dead
Izzy would take an Edward who was angry at him over a corpse every fucking time.
Edward would never forgive him, but Izzy found himself desperate to make up for the things "he" had thrown away (it was his fault it WAS. Everything was his fault. If he'd been better...).
He worked absurd hours. He kept the damn bar open basically single-handedly.
He wrote down the name of every book, he could think of, and scoured facebook for every picture of Stede to find what he'd worn that had been ruined.
Of course, Stede's clothes were all stupidly expensive. Of course, all of his books had been like first editions.
Izzy would fix this. Izzy had to fix this. Then he could fuck off and it wouldn't matter anymore. He could...
Nothing would matter, anymore. He'd ruined the only good thing he'd ever had.
Ed would never forgive him.
He worked from the moment they opened (fucking 6 in the morning because of course Bonnet decided that was a good time and proceeded to never work mornings) til damn near closing (Midnight if he was lucky).
He went home and curled up in a ball on the couch. His back ached.
He missed his bed. He missed laying down every night with Edward, waking up half under him because Edward was the biggest fucking sleep cuddler.
He didn't get that, anymore. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve anything at all.
He didn't see them for days. He kept the bar/bakery open, the staff paid, the issues dealt with. He washed blood from the floor after a fight and soused for roach in between all of his other jobs when The Swede and Pete both were out sick at once.
The staff had begrudgingly started respecting him, for some reason. He didn't really understand *why*. It wasn't like he deserved it. He'd ruined their lives, too, when he'd selfishly tried to convince Ed to care about him.
He worked on the days where he could barely stand from the pain in his damaged foot. He worked on the days where his hands shook from exhaustion. He worked on the days when one of the doors banging or a customer's shouts threatened to send him to his knees.
He worked, and worked, and worked as if that would somehow keep him safe from...all of it. It was like he was living in a haze where the only thing that existed was work.
He started hunting down the books. Thankfully, Stede often posted about the books he was reading and there were pictures of him in front of the library so Izzy just...started at the top left.
He stored them in a box at the store, because he couldn't possibly keep them at home (it wasn't even his home not really even though Edward had never said so)
He catches Fang and Ivan glancing at him occasionally, though he avoids them like the plague.
If he loses the only people who actually do work, the only ones who don't hate him, he doesn't think he'll last long enough to make up for what he's done.
It's on one of the rare days that Bonnet and Edward are actually at work that the precarious tower of his life loses it's first leg.
There's some fucking prick in the bar making a scene. He should go deal with it. He should go do something. he should do anything but just sit there on the floor of the staff bathroom and stare blankly at the wall.
He's not sure he remembers how to make his limbs work right now.
He's not entirely clear about what happened; he was behind the bar, before. He thinks. Because...because Lucius was...was...getting something from the stock room?
Now he's....in the bathroom. Because...because...because...
He must lose time, for a moment, because Bonnet is opening the door when he can think at least a little again. "Oh!" His voice is full of alarm. "Oh, Izzy, are you alright sweetheart?"
He must be imagining things, because...no, Bonnet wouldn't call *him* that. That's for Ed
Stede's hand reaching for him is the next thing he catches and jerks away instinctively before forcing himself to still. He deserves anything that Stede wants to do to him. He doesn't get to try to avoid this.
Stede is...incredibly concerned. Izzy is looking straight through him, nails digging into his knees so hard he *must* be drawing blood. Izzy looked *terrified* of him.
He stands to go get Ed.
By the time he finds Ed, talking quietly to Fang and Ivan about banning the troublesome customer, Izzy is already back on the floor silently sweeping up glass from the...Altercation.
Stede desperately wants to tell him no, to sit down, to take a break. Izzy looks like a ghost, these days. But...Ed says that doesn't work on Izzy and he suspects it does.
He suspects that if anyone took the time of day to tell Izzy to *stop* for a moment, it would break him. He suspects that's why Izzy never would let him do it.
"I'm really worried about Izzy," he tells Ed that night. They're at his apartment, which means they'd walked past Izzy in a tiny ball on the couch. It was so fucking sad.
"Don't be. Iz just needs time to get used to you being in our lives again." It seems like a little more than that to Stede if he's being honest; Izzy is moving like he's a ghost or in a dream. He's lost weight. He's working 16 hour days.
It doesn't seem like he's okay.
He goes to thrift stores (because Ed at least was smart enough to sell or donate some of Stede's stuff.) He adds more books to the box.
If it were possible to stop sleeping entirely, he would. He wakes up dreaming of Ed stomping on his foot or Stede leaving and finding Ed's body.
He's up to fifteen books and he thinks maybe...maybe that's enough for *something?* For Ed to look at him, just for a moment, or one of the blankets from their bed (because gods all he wants is something that smells like Ed)
He shoves the box into Bonnet's arms without a word and vanishes back inside the bar because of course he does.
He can't stay, not able to risk hearing Bonnet somehow be upset with him for this. He...he needs to believe there's the tiniest chance for forgiveness.
Edward comes home to find Stede staring at books spread out on the bed and goes very still. "What...what are those?"
"Oh! Izzy gave me these today, to make up for him getting rid of mine when...everything went wrong. It was very nice of him I certainly never asked him to."
Ed goes very still, confusion in his eyes and he can't stop the words before they're out of his mouth. "But...that wasn't Iz. I got rid of them."
Stede goes very, very still. "What?" "I'm sorry I know I should've...but I thought you knew. I...you kept saying how it was fine, how you didn't need them I thought you knew it was me? Why would it have been Iz?"
"Because he told me that it was him. All of it. The books, the clothes, firing half my employees. You're saying he didn't do any of it?"
Ed looks like he might be sick as he shakes his head.
It's almost two-thirty in the morning when Izzy gets home. He's exhausted and if he's being honest with himself (which he so rarely is) he's been out of it since he gave Stede the box in the first place.
They're sitting on his couch. He only just realizes it before he sits.
This is it, then. He doesn't even deserve the couch, anymore. Why would he? He gives a mute little nod and sinks down on the rug, nearly oblivious to Ed's choked sound of horror and Stede's little gasp as he curls up and closes his eyes, far, far too tired to fight.
"Absolutely fucking not," Ed whispers hoarsely. He slips an arm under Izzy's shoulders and Izzy *whimpers*. "Please," he whines. "P...please don't make me go I'm fixing it I'm making up for it I don't need anything but *please don't make me leave*"
"Iz, No." Ed breathes. There's horror in his voice and his hands are warm and they're the first warm thing Izzy has felt in months. He thinks he might be shaking.
"Shh, Iz, c'mere sweetheart," Ed murmured. He reached out slowly, easing Izzy up until he was leaning against his chest. Izzy was so light in his grip it was fucking terrifying.
"Shh, honey. We...we're gonna talk about this in the morning, Iz, okay? I just...I just want to go lay down with you can we do that? Is that okay?" Izzy is so out of it it's terrifying, staring straight through him, but he doesn't protest as Ed oh-so-gently picks him up.
Ed is biting back his own tears as he goes into the bedroom and lays Izzy down in the middle of their bed. (When did it stop being their bed when did Izzy decide he didn't deserve it anymore? Ed thinks he's going to be sick) "Stede, can you grab some pajamas for him?"
Izzy is so skinny under his hands and Ed has the horrible recollection that when Izzy's upset with himself, food is usually not something he can convince himself he deserves.
It's always been Ed's job to help him with that. He's failed him. He's failed him so, so badly.
He dresses him with careful hands, fingers ghosting over his foot where Ed had struck him, half in a nightmare, with no idea who he was.
He thought Izzy hadn't forgiven him for that. He realized now with painful certainty that it wasn't that, but that Izzy hadn't forgiven himself.
"Ed..." Izzy looks painfully lost. "We'll talk tomorrow" he promises, begs."We...we'll talk tomorrow, Iz, I promise just...please just let me hold you I just need to hold you just for a minute."
It's the only way to get Izzy to agree to what he needs, sometimes. Ed hates that
Izzy gives a tiny, lost nod and lets Ed gather him in his arms and kiss the top of his head. He starts to shake in earnest and Ed's heart breaks.
"Oh, Iz, baby. I'm so sorry Iz. Please breathe, I have you. I have you mate, I know I've been fucking awful but I have you, *we* have you. It's okay, Iz, you cry as much as you need we're right here."
He holds him until the broken sobs die down, Izzy too exhausted to maintain even that pain for long. He timidly, as if he genuinely thinks Ed will somehow be angry with him for it, tucks his head under Ed's chin like he does when he's desperate for comfort.
He's asleep in seconds.
Ed is awake far longer, having a quiet conversation with Stede over Izzy's head about the many, very wrong, assumptions they'd been making.
"I need him," Ed whispered hoarsely. "I, you know I love you but he's mine. I love him." "I know, darling."
Izzy wakes up very, very confused. He has all but no recollection of the day before after he'd given the books to Stede, but he wakes up to the most glorious feeling.
Ed is holding him. Really, properly holding him. Izzy never wants to move ever again.
"Good morning sweetheart," Stede murmurs. Izzy waits for Ed's response but there isn't one so he turns to look at Stede and...and Stede is looking at him . "Are you feeling a little better?"
Izzy doesn't know what he's feeling better *from*. He blushes, shrugs, and Stede gives him a gentle smile before he asks, "why did you lie about you being the one who destroyed my things?"
He goes very still. There's no point in arguing, Bonnet sounds Certain. "You can't leave him again."He begs. "You can't it'll kill him and I'll come home one day and find his *corpse* you Cant. Please. I'm sorry.
"
"I know it was my fault I tried to push you away from him I just...I'm trying to make up for it I am," he begs. "Please be angry with me not him it was all my fault I'm so sorry." He's crying, he thinks, maybe. It hurts. He's going to be thrown out and he just...just...
He's vaguely aware of Stede gathering him close. "It's alright, my sweet boy. Just breathe with me. It's alright, stay with me, I have you. It's alright. You're forgiven, my darling, for all of it. I promise. Just breathe with me, there's a good boy."
He can't help but try and obey, breathing shakily in time with the chest he's pressed up against. Ed's hands meet his hair, after some indescribable amount of time, and Izzy feels himself relaxing minutely.
"Iz" Ed chokes out. "I'm so sorry Iz I've been such a shitty friend. I shouldn't have let you handle all this alone. Never again, sweetheart, I promise."
Izzy turns in Stede's arms to look at him. Ed isn't sure what Izzy sees in his eyes but Izzy crumples back into his chest and Ed scoots closer to Stede so they can bracket the smaller man between them as he shakes himself apart.
They all stay home from work. Ed and stede hadn't even been willing to entertain Izzy’s argument that he could work today, so he found himself bundled up in a quilt in Ed's lap on the couch being fed bites of oatmeal. It was humiliating.
He never wanted it to stop.
"I'm sorry I...I scared you." "No, Iz. We should've realized something was wrong. I thought you were upset about stede staying but I...it's my fault, Iz. I promise. I didn't realize you thought him staying meant I didn't want you, anymore."
"I want you. Of course, I want you. You're my Izzy." He promises. "I will always want you. Always. You're mine. And I'll gonna make it up to you Iz I swear. We're gonna fix it. Get you eating again, hmm? And getting your schedule back to something normal. We'll do our jobs."
"What do you want Iz?" "I want...I want you back.' Izzy begs. "I want to sleep with you and I want to...to not be in charge, all the time at the bar. Please. Please please please."
Ed tightened his grip. "You have me." He swears. "Forever. I'm yours, iz. I promise.'
Ed knew they'd have to talk more. About why Izzy hadn't come to them, about how much he blamed himself for everything. About the way he'd tried to torture himself into working to death.
But Izzy was Alive. Izzy forgave him. Izzy wanted him.
That was more than enough.