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It would feel nice he’d decided.
Years of picturing have led him to a glorious conclusion. One out of a very fucked up picture book.
The thought process usually began with how sharp his swords were. He would think of how easily they could be turned on himself. They were clean, sharp, and well rounded. His scrawny frame would easily be sliced like a measly loaf of bread. Of course, unlike bread he would leave a great big mess. Who would he be to leave a mess? That was exactly what he was meant to avoid.
The roof tops he used to seek shelter in had made him think of leaping. But if he lived that would only mean more distress. He was in no position to be making hospital visits.
In years to come he would consider Destiny’s blade as a contender. How lovely it would be to have his last thoughts be about his lover and dear friend. That would bring him to Jays gun, it was even rigged silently. Those were selfish thoughts however, ones he could not indulge in for fear of tainting his friends perspectives on their iconic weapons. He couldn’t ruin that for them.
No, the perfect plan had always been clear to him. He could see it so vividly anytime he had a moment to himself.
Leaned against any railing he could find, wether he be six on a rooftop, eight on the Blackrose, thirteen on a pier, or nineteen on the Albatross. The sea always looked the same.
All those canon balls they had, yet no canons to use them in. He would take one and with the flames at his fingertips and the chains below deck, one quick meld would have it made. A fancy anklet just for him. Handcrafted with love.
The waters would be cold but he’d always been a fan. He would leave his coat folded on his mattress. His boots besides the bed in the way he always had them set, though no feet would fill them in the morning. He’d probably spare a note, a brief explanation why. He owed the crew that much. Alongside the paper he’d leave his axe earring. The whole attire aside from his scrappy pants. He figured nobody would miss those, they could go down with the rest of the useless excess.
The moon would be high and bright, the crew fast asleep, it would spotlight him as he went.
He could practically feel the water filling his lungs as he sunk deeper and deeper into nothing.
It would be weightless and effortless, once he went down there was no way he could come back up. No way to change his mind.
He looked at the water from where he was leaned against the railings and could picture the trail of bubbles so clearly. A scene all too familiar.
He often envisioned it on days when nothing was going on. It was a reliable way to kill time, and it made him feel a little more light on his feet afterwards. Almost as if each time he’d leaned up against the posts he was dropping a small bit of himself over the edge.
This time he could see it fall beneath the waves. One more wisp freed.
With a nonchalant expression he pulled back and locked eyes with Gillion. He was already looking at Chip with blown wide, scared eyes.
“You good, Gil?” He raised an eyebrow. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
He stood there for a second, just staring at Chip with a frozen. Chip shrugged and turned to walk off, feet pointed towards the edge though that wasn’t where he was headed. Maybe it was destiny toying with the idea. Behind him he heard a sharp squeak before a heavy weight tackled him in a hug, knocking Chip off his feet.
He yelped in surprise, trying to re-find his footing but the ground was unreachable.
Gillion had him impossibly close to his chest, raised up in the air so he couldn’t get out. He turned firmly away from the edge and marched him below deck.
Chip allowed it to happen, confused but not complaining. “Uh, Gil? Where we going buddy?”
“Away from the water.” He huffed, a slight tremble to his voice.
Chip couldn’t help but think about jumping again. Being in the water. Sinking. It was funny how that was timed.
“Agh! Stop!” Gillion cried, squeezing him tighter.
“Stop what? I didn’t do anything!” It was getting a little too coincidental now, kind of unnerving to Chip. “And loosen up will you? Im suffocating here.”
Gillion obeyed the last request but only enough to allow airflow. “How are you acting normal? How often do you think about that?”
Chip reared back, shoving Gillion off of him with unintentional force and stumbled on his feet. “What the fuck are you talking about.”
Gillion panicked, catching his wrist, afraid to let him go. “You can’t!”
“You’re freaking me out man!” He looked from his caught wrist to Gillions terrified face to the exit in a cycle of confusion. “Why won’t you let me leave?”
“Are you going to kill yourself?” He interrogated.
“Thats a loaded question!” Chip laughed humorlessly. Deciding on one of the three options and snatching back his hand, taking a few paces back. “Where is this coming from?”
Gillion held up his arm which Chip made the quick realization was adorned with Jazz’s mind melding bracelets. He didn’t have to look down to know he was wearing a matching one. The metal had never been so heavy on his person.
“That’s invasive.” He threw it down with a clatter, hiding away his thoughts . “I’m not gonna kill myself.”
“Then why do you have a plan?” Gillions tone was desperate, his body language read like a crouched animal ready to spring into a pounce at a moments notice.
“I was bored!” With a single step towards the exit he knew he’d been the predators prey. Gillion lunged at him and grabbling him back, winding him in the process while they both collided with the floor.
“Gillion get off me! You’re being irrational!” Chip snapped, wrestling the blue figure whose frantic heartbeat he could feel against his back.
“So what if I am! I’m-“ he faltered for a moment, just enough time for Chip to crawl away and meet his eyes from where he now sat back against the wall. “I’m scared!”
Chip panted, chest rising and falling as he searched Gillions face. He realized then the tears that filled his pretty blue eyes, the subtle ways his body shook, the both fierce and tender way he was reaching out for Chip. Chip realized with a start he’d never seen Gillion look so disheveled before. He was not only afraid, he was petrified.
“So I’m sorry if I freaked out when I’m mopping a deck and suddenly all I can think about are these visions of you…” he couldn’t finish it.
Chip looked away guiltily. He hadn’t ever considered how that may have felt. To him it had become so normalized it didn’t feel like anything other than simple daydreaming. Honestly Gillion had probably under-reacted. If he had seen the same things coming from Gillion..
“Fuck man, I’m sorry.” He tentatively scooted closer and raised one hand to Gillions cheek. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Believe me when I say I wasn’t going to.”
“You can’t lie to me.” Gillion bit his lip.
“I know. I’m not.”
Gillion opened his mouth to contradict but Chip cut him off. “I know what I was thinking, and I know how that looks. But it’s kind of comforting for me. Yknow, my whole life has been completely out of my control. I guess it’s just nice to know I have a way out. It’s probably fucked up and unhealthy but it helps me. Its an…an intrusive thought. I won’t ever act on it. Promise.”
Gillion scrunched up his face in a mix of understanding and concern, ultimately resulting in a slow nod. He exhaled heavily. “Okay. I’m sorry I jumped you.”
“Its okay. I see now that that was actually a reasonable response.” He shrugged, taking Gillion into a gentle hug. The triton reciprocated with a smile. Chip could still feel his adrenaline rushed heart but Gillion seemed content with that answer.
”I don’t get it though. Why were you thinking about it then? Did something upset you?”
”Not really.” He said before tensing and sighing. “Nope, that was a lie. I know what it was.”
Gillion peered up at him expectantly. He’d never been very patient but Chip appreciated the mild restraint.
”Jay made some joke about leaving me on shore next time we docked.” He cracked a small smile at the recount. Funny how the dumbest things will set him off.
”What!?” Gillions mouth went agape, he sat up abruptly.
”As a joke! As a joke. I don’t hold it against her or anything, thats the way we always play fight with each other.” He explained before Gillion could run off and interrogate their third co-captain.
”You have to tell her! Set boundaries.” Gillion frowned. “How will she know she went too far?”
He shrugged. “I don’t want her to feel bad.”
”Well she’d feel a whole lot worse if you turned up dead.”
Chip flinched. “Real blunt there, bud.”
”I’m serious, Chip. She wouldn’t want to hurt you.”
”Yeah I guess you’re right. I’ll say something.”
”I could go with you if you wanted, for moral support.”
Chip smiled, leaning his head on Gillions shoulder. “Thanks. It means a lot that you care so much.”
”I always will.” He rested his head atop Chips.
Chip appreciated the development this accident resulted in, even if he was currently planning on how he could dispose of those bracelets. Nobody likes a snitch.