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Halloween had never been particularly special to Alec. The mundanes were ridiculous of course, dressing up like the very beings Shadowhunters had to protect them from; but even in his less enlightened days, he’d appreciated the opportunity it gave Downworlders to fit in for a night as they were, so he couldn’t get too worked up over it. Certainly he had none of his own special childhood memories with candy and costumes to indulge in. Halloween hadn’t meant much of anything to him.
Until it became the day he’d broken Magnus’s heart.
They’d talked about it a little, between the world nearly ending and getting married and losing Clary, but it never felt like they'd really cleared the air. Now, a year later, he’d tried to restart the conversation, and Magnus had been dodging him. It hadn’t been obvious at first. They’d decided to take Halloween off as well as the weekend of their first wedding anniversary, which meant they were busier than usual to get all their work done ahead of time, and so it made sense that Magnus was a little restless. Over-scheduling himself in the days leading up to Halloween made sense, and so did the new hair for the holiday, and Alec liked the blue on him. But in the last few days, the restlessness had taken on a new form, and it had only intensified since they'd moved the loft back to Brooklyn a few hours ago.
“I don't like it.”
Alec sighed, having done a version of these conversation several times already. “The decorations look great. They're very scary.”
Magnus waved his hand around fitfully. “They’re too … macabre. I mean, Halloween’s supposed to be spooky, sure, but does it need to be so maudlin?”
“But didn’t you just change them an hour ago because you thought they were too, um, I think you said Disney? Disney does the cartoons, right?”
“Yes, and I’m proud of you for knowing that,” Magnus said absently, studying the living room.
“Thank you,” Alec said, grinning. “And what was the problem with the decorations before that?”
“Too old Hollywood. It looked like Nosferatu or a green man with bolts on his neck was going to pop out of our armoire," he said, his nose wrinkled. “Now it’s like a gothic horror film.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what any of that means.”
“It means I gave our ceiling pointed arches and we have candles and skulls on every surface, which is not very child-friendly.”
“You know that Madzie’s not going to be worried about decorations. She just wants candy. And to see you,” he added, reaching out to run a soothing hand up and down his husband’s arm.
“And in that order, I suspect,” Magnus agreed ruefully. “Still, that doesn’t mean I can’t give her something spectacular anyway.”
With a wave of his hand, the loft transformed for the … honestly, Alec had lost count how many times it had been rearranged in the last few days. Blood red and charcoal grey curtains and drapery got swapped out for deep purple and black with the occasional pop of sickly green; the candles disappeared and fairy lights took their place; skulls were swapped out for glass pumpkins.
“There,” Magnus proclaimed, “that’s much better. Although … what do we think about fake webbing? Delightful for children or just tacky?”
“I think that everything you’ve done looks amazing, but Madzie will be here any minute.”
“She will?” He checked the clock. “Oh, she will!”
Alec planted his feet like he was readying for combat and his tone turned serious. “Yeah, and I thought that maybe before she did, we could talk.“
Magnus’s eyes darted away from Alec’s. “Talk about what? Do you think we should have a cauldron bubbling, or how about some dry ice? I’ve always found it a bit on the nose but I can’t deny I like the theatricality of it.”
“No, Magnus, no more decorating. We need to -“
There was a knock at the door before Alec could finish and Magnus brightened up, rushing past Alec to answer it.
Madzie flew into his arms the second she saw him. “Magnus!”
“Sweet Pea!”
“I missed you,” the little girl said, clinging onto him tightly.
“And I you. Things in Alicante have been so busy, we couldn’t get away.” He pulled back and fussed with her costume. “But tonight, we’re all yours.”
She finally noticed Alec over his shoulder and abandoned Magnus for him, jumping up for a hug, and he laughed as he settled her on his hip, noticing how she’d grown since he’d seen her last. By Christmas she might be too big for him to pick up comfortably. He was proud of the work they did in Alicante, but they missed so much while they were gone.
Catarina, who had been standing in the doorway waiting for the greetings to be over, smiled at him. “Thanks for taking her this year. The hospital is always packed on Halloween and they couldn’t afford for me to skip this year. I know you two are busy -“
“We are never too busy for Madzie,” Magnus said firmly. “Or you. Besides, I missed my opportunity to celebrate properly last year.”
A shadow passed over his face, and Alec’s chest tightened. He knew he should’ve pushed the issue sooner.
“Well, you are my heroes. Remember, no matter what she says, she only gets four minis or two full sized candies tonight, or you’ll never wake her up tomorrow.”
Madzie sighed sadly. Alec bounced her against his hip, making her giggle, and asked, “So what are you supposed to be anyway?”
“I’m Ariel!”
He looked between Magnus and Catarina. “Who?”
“It’s from the Little Mermaid,” Catarina explained. “She wanted to not have to cover up her gills tonight, and this seemed like the best way. You can say it's stage makeup or something to make the whole thing more realistic."
“Sounds good. But what’s the Little Mermaid?”
“It’s a Disney movie.”
He nodded knowingly. “Oh, right. Cartoons.”
“Actually, this is from the live action version.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Seriously?”
“Nephilim,” Magnus explained, smiling fondly at Alec.
“Right. Well, you need to do better catching him up on pop culture because that’s ridiculous.”
“Hey!”
Catarina ignored Alec’s indignation and kissed Madzie’s forehead. “Be good, sweetie. I’ll see you tomorrow after school.” She patted Alec’s shoulder, then nodded at Magnus. “Be safe and have fun!”
As she left, Magnus turned to Madzie and spread his arms as if to present the apartment to Madzie's inspection. “So what do you think?”
“Candy!”
“I meant -“ Magnus looked at his decorations morosely, then shook his head. “Of course, yes, candy.”
*
It was an interesting night. Alec wasn’t used to being on this side of Halloween, and it made him itch, wondering if there was something lurking in the shadows, if Izzy’s team was hunting something right now. But he’d promised Magnus he'd take the night off and enjoy it, so he did his best. They went through their building, then to a row of brownstones nearby and some businesses, and Magnus had to magically enhance Madzie’s fish-shaped bucket twice to contain all the candy she collected.
Everywhere they went, Madzie was complimented on her costume and the ‘super realistic’ gills. Magnus would give the stage makeup excuse and everyone seemed to buy it. Kids tugged on their grownups hands and asked them to do makeup like that on them next year, which led to some nasty glares from frazzled parents. But it didn’t matter because Madzie was incandescent, glowing at every compliment, showing off her gills to anyone who asked.
Eventually, the night got late and the crowds thinned out, and Madzie was so laden with candy that she had to carry the fish bucket with two hands so it wouldn’t scrape against the pavement. So they took her home, let her eat her allotted candy, and tucked her into bed.
“I wish every day could be like this,” Madzie said, snuggling down into her sheets.
Magnus chuckled as he sat down on the bed next to her. “Yes, but if every day was Halloween, it wouldn’t be special anymore. And if you ate three candy bars every day, you probably wouldn’t have teeth. Also, don’t tell Catarina about the third candy bar.”
“No,” she corrected, twisting the sheets in her little hands. “I meant … never mind.”
“What is it, Sweet Pea?” When Madzie shook her head, Magnus leaned closer. “Hey, you know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I just wish … I wish I didn’t have to wear scarves and turtlenecks all the time or learn how to glamour. I wish that …”
“You wish everyone would be as excited about your gills all the time like they were tonight,” Alec realized, sharing a significant look with Magnus. “You wish you didn’t have to hide.”
Madzie nodded, her eyes downcast.
“I’m sorry,” Magnus said sadly. “I wish that you could, too. I’m sorry you can’t have that. Your gills are beautiful, not to mention useful, and anyone would be lucky to have them. You’re perfect.”
“But people are scared of me.”
“Some will be,” Alec said, as reassuring as he could be while it felt like his stomach was trying to fall out onto his shoes. “But I’m not, and neither is Magnus or Catarina, or my brother and sister or any of our friends. One day, you’ll make friends of your own that love you just the way you are.”
“You think?”
Magnus nodded seriously. “I didn’t think I’d ever have someone love my eyes the way Alec does, but here he is.”
They smiled at each other sweetly; then Magnus let his glamour drop, turning his cat eyes to Madzie. “Okay, Sweet Pea?”
“Okay, Magnus,” she agreed, burrowing down to her pillows. “Your eyes are pretty.”
Thank you,” he said, his voice a little rough, bending down to kiss her on the forehead. “Goodnight.”
“Night-night,” she said, already half asleep.
Magnus slipped off the bed, and he and Alec left her room, closing the door as quietly as they could behind them.
“I think that went well, all things considered, don't you?”
“I do,” Alec agreed, then cleared his throat significantly. “I think Madzie felt a lot better after she talked about what was bothering her.”
“It seems she did, yes.”
“So … is there anything you want to talk about? Something about Halloween, maybe?”
“What, my glamour? I supposed I could have dropped it and made my eyes into some sort of costume, but you know having them visible in public is something I’m still not the most comfortable with.” Magnus rubbed his hands together, looking around the apartment. “Now, I’d like to surprise Madzie with a beautiful fall harvest tomorrow. Not Thanksgiving, exactly, I don't like pilgrims very much, but I also can’t say no to a cornucopia.”
“No, I meant this, whatever's made you redecorate our home five times in the last twenty-four hours.” Alec stepped closer, bringing his hand up to touch Magnus’s arm lightly. “And I'm pretty sure it's because of what happened on Halloween last year.”
He felt his stomach drop for the second time that night as Magnus pasted on an overlarge smile. “I don’t know what you mean. Just because I’m a perfectionist when it comes to home decor -“
“Magnus. Please.”
Slowly the smile slipped away and the fake cheerfulness that his husband had put on the past few days evaporated, leaving a look of sadness and exhaustion in its wake. “I’m sorry, Alexander. I’m trying to be better at communicating when I’m in distress, I truly am, but this time …”
When Magnus trailed off, Alec stepped in to reassure him. “Whatever it is, Magnus, I can take it. If part of you is still mad at me or if you still don’t trust me, I get it -“
“No, it’s not … I understand the choices you made, even if I don’t agree with them. And I know that if I had been more upfront about how I was feeling sooner, if I’d let you help - and I do see the irony of not talking to you now, I do.” He cupped Alec’s face and trailed his thumb down his cheek. “Our first anniversary is in a few days and I didn’t want to bring this up and sour the mood. I’ve never had a wedding anniversary before, you know.”
Alec smiled softly. “Yeah, I know. Me, neither.”
“Exactly. I wanted this shared first of ours to be special. I didn’t want to risk ruining it.”
“Telling me how you feel won’t ruin anything, I promise. I always want to know how you’re feeling, you know that. Right?”
Magnus nodded slowly, taking a moment before he spoke. “I was so low last year, and then … I was blindsided. I expected a thousand awful things, but the one thing I could count on was that you weren't going anywhere, that you loved me. And then you told me that you didn’t and ... the world felt out from under me. I've never felt so lost.”
Alec’s grip tightened reflexively, like he could ground the Magnus of a year ago by holding onto him harder now. “You weren’t wrong. I was scared of what would happen if you didn’t get your magic back, and I was willing to do anything to fix it. But if your dad hadn’t given me that ultimatum, I wouldn’t have left you for anything. I never cared about you having magic or not. I only cared if you were happy.”
“I know that. Of course I know that,” Magnus said, then his mouth twisted up in a wry smile. “But I think I still needed to hear it.”
“If you ever need to hear it again, let me know. It’ll never stop being true.” He hugged Magnus, needing to be close to him. “Is there anything else I can do?”
Fingers dug into his back. “You can promise me you won’t do it again. No matter the circumstances, never leave me again. Not unless it’s what you really want.”
“I’ll promise that if you promise to talk to me.”
Magnus chuckled. “I’ll do my best.”
“Then I promise. I'm not going anywhere."
Alec felt Magnus soften into his arms, and then wetness on his shoulder as his husband buried his face there. He stroked his back, rocking them slightly.
Eventually Magnus pulled back, pressing a light, lingering kiss to Alec’s lips. “Thank you for making me communicate. You were right, it did make me feel better.”
“Good,” Alec said, kissing him briefly in return. “Are you ready to get some sleep? Or do you need to redecorate?”
“No,” Magnus said, smiling up at Alec. “I think I’m done with that.”
“Really?”
“Well, for now. I will need to do something for Christmas, of course."
"Of course. Looking forward to it."