Chapter Text
Akutagawa presses a lit match against his forearm, watching the skin burn away under the heat. He barely feels it, and he doesn’t really mind. After all, Dazai taught him to always do this when he fails, or when he messes up. How can he tell Dazai no? It doesn’t stay lit for too long though. He heaves a sigh before lighting another one. He doesn’t touch this one to his skin, just lets it linger with the flame licking his fingers. Akutagawa sighs when it goes out again. He stands up, tossing the matches into the nearest garbage can.
“Why are you using a match? I told you to use a lighter. I told you not to stop until it was unbearable. Then I’d look at the burn and tell you if you held it there long enough. Matches are a cowardly way out,” Dazai says. He shakes his head. “Give me your arm.”
Akutagawa immediately complies, holding out his arm. Dazai rolls Akutagawa’s sleeve up, causing goosebumps to cover his skin. Either Dazai doesn’t notice, or just doesn’t comment. Dazai pulls a lighter out of his coat pocket, almost dropping a pack of cigarettes on the ground. After tucking the cigarettes back into his pocket, he flicks the lighter on.
“Hold still,” he whispers close to Akutagawa’s ear.
He presses the lighter against Akutagawa’s skin. Akutagawa bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying out. He succeeds even as Dazai continues to hold it there, occasionally moving farther up his arm. Dazai seems a little surprised, but he quickly wipes the look off of his face. It feels like an eternity before he pulls back, tucking the lighter back into his pocket.
“See how much more beautiful that is? You can’t get that kind of art from a match.”
Akutagawa stares at his arm in fascination. There are burns littered in no apparent pattern from his wrist to about an inch below his elbow. He nods.
“You’re right, I’m sorry, Dazai.”
“Well, we’ll see if you ever actually learn. Take care of that, and get back to work.”
Akutagawa nods, still looking at his arm. He shakes his head, then grabs the first aid kit.
Akutagawa walks out of his office at the Black Lizard’s base of operations.
“Hey, what’ve you been up to?” Tachihara asks.
Akutagawa glares at him, shutting him up immediately.
“Sorry, I know that it’s none of my business.”
Hirotsu sighs.
“My boy, calm down.”
Akutagawa sticks his tongue out at him, causing both Hirotsu and Tachihara to laugh. Gin looks up from her book, raising one eyebrow at Akutagawa. Akutagawa ignores her.
“I’m heading home. The rest of you should be out of here by midnight,” Akutagawa says, walking out.
It’s only a minute before Gin appears beside him.
“Are you walking home again?”
“Yup.”
“Why?”
“Cause I walked to work this morning. I let someone borrow my car.”
“You know that’s not good for you. Are you being self destructive again?”
“No.”
“Then why did you stick your tongue out at Tachihara? You don’t act like a child unless you’re guilty of something, or on drugs.”
“I’m always on drugs.”
“I don’t mean your medication. Although now that I think about it, that probably makes drugs really dangerous. I wish you wouldn’t do that.”
“I don’t just do drugs, what are you going on about?”
“You took drugs two days ago just because Mori told you to.”
“Yeah, he’s Mori. I know that I can tell him no, but it doesn’t usually end well for me. So, I tend to avoid it when I can.”
“Still, drugs could literally kill you.”
“Stop lecturing me, Gin. Don’t you have something else to do? You have until midnight to spend time with those losers.”
“They’re not losers, and I think I’ll walk you home instead.”
Akutagawa sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
“Alright, but you’re not coming in.”
Gin shrugs, seemingly unperturbed. He doesn’t actually keep to that though since she forces her way in before he even walks in. He groans.
“I told you to leave once we got here.”
“Nah, I think I’ll make some tea first.”
“Fine, but then you’re going home.”
She doesn’t respond, heading into the kitchen instead. It’s about ten minutes later that she walks in with a tray of tea and cups.
“Why do you hide your tea?”
“I don’t hide it. I know where it is, and that’s usually the only relevant thing.”
“Well, drink your tea. It might help you sleep. You don’t look like you’ve been getting much sleep recently.”
Akutagawa hums noncommittally as he picks up his tea.
“I’m worried about you, Ryuu. Is it about Dazai again?”
Akutagawa stands up. He pulls Gin to her feet, and practically pushes her out of the door.
“Mind your own business. Now go home,” he says before shutting the door in her face.
He locks it, activating his top of the line security system. She stays at the door for a while, banging on it and yelling at him. He ignores her, heading straight to his room instead. He grabs his lighter.
“I didn’t have one of these on hand, but Dazai’s right, the matches just don’t do enough.”
He lights the lighter, just staring at it for a while.
“Why do you still hesitate? You know what I’m gonna do if you hesitate.”
Akutagawa folds his arms, hugging himself while he stares at Dazai’s outstretched hand. He takes the awaiting lighter. He takes a deep breath before lighting it and pressing it directly onto his bare skin. He holds it there until the burned skin starts cracking and bleeding.
“Stop,” Dazai commands.
He nods, dropping his arms down to his sides.
“Good boy.”
Akutagawa knows that he shouldn’t get any satisfaction from Dazai talking to him like a dog, but he can’t help it. Even if it’s sick, he feels validated whenever Dazai tells him that he did a good job. It doesn’t matter how he said it.
“Alright, I’ll leave you here. I have a mission with Chuuya. We can’t have him coming to get me, can we? You would be taken away from me. Do you want that, Akutagawa?”
Akutagawa shakes his head.
“Of course not, Dazai.”
“Alright, do it that much three more times before you go home. I’ll be checking the cameras and your arms tomorrow,” he calls in a sing-song voice as he walks out.
Akutagawa does as he was told.
Akutagawa stares at the scars littering his arms.
Ah, well at least I’m doing well even though he left. I can listen. He’ll see one day. Once he sees how well I’ve done without him, he’ll finally acknowledge me. He won’t like the Jinko better.