Archive of Our Own ^beta

He sneaks away just before midnight. The rowboat's oars are heavy in his hands and he's trembling with exhaustion and fever from the bandaged foot.

It feels like the only luck that he's had recently, that they're already near Haiti.

He rows for two-and-a-half days, till even his work-worn hands are blistered and his neck is sunburnt and he's not entirely sure that the fever hasn't gotten worse.

Perhaps it will kill him before he reaches the cove. It's what he deserves. 

He wonders if The Kraken has even noticed he is missing yet. 

The house is maybe two miles inland from the cove. By the time Izzy gets the rowboat into the sand and obscured, he's not sure he has enough strength left to make it. 

He doesn't know why he's bothering (he does. he needs to believe that Edward will come, even now. Even when he knows he's a monster. Even when he knows that even if Edward were to ever come back, he couldn't possibly want Izzy anymore.) 

If he doesn't believe there's a chance, he has no reason to keep trying to go on. 

He's all but dragging his damaged foot, leaning on a stick with his bag slung over his shoulder.

The two miles feels like twenty. By the time he reaches the door, his vision has narrowed and he's thrown up nearly half a dozen times. 

He has to keep going. He has to. He's Israel Hands. Blackbeard's right hand and more than a small amount of the reason for his legacy.

He can not, will not, die here. Not of this. 

It's everything he remembers. He staves off the definitely-incoming breakdown by heating some water/

He's always been good at focusing on minor tasks. Lance the infection from his foot. Shove said foot in hot salt water. Throw up again at the visual of the infection draining. 

He wraps the foot, drinks as much water as he can stomach, and falls asleep in a little ball on the rug.

He keeps going like that. He gets up, twice a day, to soak the foot. Slowly, the infection retreats. It is the only time he moves from the rug. He drinks water, nibbles on something resembling food, pisses, and curls back up on the thick bearskin rug.

He and Edward had killed this bear, together, once. Edward had found it and tracked it. He'd put the dagger in it's heart and killed it instantly.

They'd fucked on the rug, afterwards, hands still messy with blood from butchering the beast. Edward had left handprints on his clothes and kissed him and said how good he'd done.

Now...well, if Edward even remembered this place he'd be amazed.

He's going to die here.

He's accepted that already, weeks ago, now. 

He's going to die here. He's going to waste away to nothing on the rug that once meant Edward loved him.

He thinks he should probably care more about that than he does. He thinks he should care about anything more than he does.

His foot is healing, at least. He's not sure why it matters to him that that, that the Kraken, isn't what kills him. He is.

He can't be the second thing that Edward found worthy of striking down himself, the second creature monstrous enough to deserve Blackbeard's blade.

He's not sure how long he's been here. He's not sure about much of anything, really. He wakes up screaming from nightmares. He forces himself up, when he *has* to, to piss and drink some water. He does nothing else.

He wakes up from a nightmare on one such night, after screaming himself raw,and cramming himself into the corner of the little home. His pants are soaked where he's fucking pissed himself in terror and he's shaking and he's so tired. 

He just...lays down on the rug and gives up.

He hears Edward.  That's nice.

His mother always said that, in those moments before you died, you heard the voice of someone you loved.

He wasn't sure who she'd heard. Maybe no one. Maybe her peace was that finally she got to rest alone.

Ed doesn't sound happy. Even now, when he's finally rid of Izzy, he can't sound happy.

Even in his death dreams, he's never deserved an ounce of Edward's kindness. An ounce of his joy. Has never been able to be the one who made him happy.

He tries to focus on the words, despite it all; it's Edward. All he's ever wanted is to please Edward.

"Please, Iz." Edward is saying. "Please, I'm here, please...please don't go."

Edward had never begged him like that. He wonders idly why his brain thinks these were words he'd ever say.

"Israel." Stede says. Of course. Even now he can't have Edward to himself. Even now, he doesn't get even a moment of respite from Stede Fucking Bonnet.

"Israel, can you open your eyes for me?" 

That's a stupid request. He isn't even sure where the fuck his eyes are, anymore.

"Israel. It's alright, that's too much." Somehow, Bonnet's obnoxious fucking voice is almost soothing. "Just open your hand for me."

He doesn't know why he cares, but after so long with *no thoughts...well, even if it's his own mind being absurd, he can try.

He must succeed, because the soft voice is back. "Good boy." it murmurs. "Very, very, very good, Israel."

It's lies, all of it. He's so, so, so bad.

He wonders what they'd say if they could see him now, so lonely and dying and convincing himself he can feel a hand on his shoulder, hear a voice in his ear. "Can you lay down for me. There we go, just lay down for me."

His shoulder hits something soft. That's nice.

"Izzy. Can you open your eyes for me? that's it, my darling, just open your eyes, you're doing so well for us." 

He doesn't want to. he doesn't want the fantasy that he isn't alone in this final moment to end.

His eyes slide open, glazed, dull things. Ed bursts into tears.

He had cried for days, when he'd realized Izzy had left. 

"I hurt him." He wailed into Stede's shoulder. " I love him and I hurt him and now he's gone and he doesn't want me anymore."

"Of course he wants you." Stede soothed. He privately doesn't think it's possible that Izzy wouldn't want Ed no matter what Ed did to him. "Where would he go, where you could find him if you wanted to? Where would he go that you know?"

"Haiti." he says it without question, without hesitation. "I...Haiti. Please."

They'd spent the best week of his life there, after all. Falling asleep curled up with Izzy in his arms, hunting together, bathing in the springs and pools. If there was anywhere Izzy would dare to hope that Ed would look for him, it was there.

They set course immediately. Ed prayed they weren't already too late.

Izzy's looked like he was looking straight through them. "Alright. Let's get him cleaned up and get him some water." Stede soothed, stroking Ed's hair as he wept.

They got him into the tub. Ed refused to not get in with him, cradling Izzy's unresisting form to his chest and weeping into his hair while Stede washed him. He was so thin, dirty and pale. 

"He's going to be okay." Stede whispered even if he wasn't entirely sure he believed it.

They wrap him in soft blankets and curl up on the rug and hold him, neither willing to leave him on his own for even a moment. 

His breathing is shaky, but it's there. He's breathing. He's alive.

He wakes up. That's disappointing. He thought he was finally finally finally free.

He's warm. He's...clean. Someone is...someone is touching him? 

He doesn't want to open his eyes. He doesn't want to give himself the tiniest chance of believing it. It can't be true.

But...but if there's *any* chance it is... He opens his eyes and he's staring up into the face of the only person he's ever been happy to see.

"Edward." It comes out broken and cracked and barely-there but it's something.

"Iz!!" Ed is on him in an instant, cradling him close, like he's something worth touching gentle. Like he deserves the softness that Bonnet's been so eagerly teaching Edward.

Like he deserves anything at all other than nothingness.

"Iz, I'm sorry, I love you, I love you so much I'm so sorry please don't leave me you can't leave me you promised you would never leave me."

Ed is here. Ed is touching him, holding him. 

Ed wants him. Ed came back for him. 

Ed...Ed remembers this place, too.

"You came back." It's all he can say as he cries into Ed's neck and Ed cries into his hair and he thinks he can even hear Bonnet sniffling nearby. "Always." Ed promises. "I'll always come back for you."

Izzy is so weak he can barely sit up. He leans against Ed's chest, eyes half closed, breathing through the tears. "E...Ed." Yeah, my sparrow. I have you. No one is gonna hurt you ever again."

He says it like he means it, like the next thing to try and hurt Izzy gets his wrath

"Iz. Do you wanna stay here, or do you want the ship." 

He bites his lip. He loves this place. He'll always love this place. 

But right now...now it just sort of hurts a lot. Right now, it reminds him of so much pain.

Roach starts cursing as soon as he sees him. 

"Gonna have to work him up to proper meals again. I'll make some broths, light stuff. Get a bit of weight back on him."

He looks to Izzy and says very firmly "you tell me if I need to use this cleaver on him."

For the first time in their lives, its Edward who takes care of Izzy.

Edward helps him to the chamber pot. Edward feeds him broth. Edward massages his damaged leg when the spasms wake him in the night. Edward holds him through the nightmares and the breakdowns. Edward listens to him rant and sob and beg.

Ed stays. He holds him, even when Izzy is upset. Even when Ed himself is crying and begging Izzy to forgive him. 

Stede helps, too. He manages the crew and he brings Izzy work, the logbooks, inventory, whatever he can do from bed when he sees him getting antsy.

After a month and a half...he's doing better. He's put on a good portion of the weight he'd lost, and the muscle. He moves nearly as well as he had before The Toe. He sleeps through the night, as long as he's cradled in Ed's arms when he does.

The crew fucking applauds him, when Stede says he's returning to his duties as first mate. 

He doesn't know what to do with that, or with their worry. "They were so worried about you." Stede had said. Izzy wasn't sure he believed it but he wanted to.

"Why did you forgive me." Ed asks, one morning when the sun is just starting to peak over the clouds. "I don't know." He whispers, honestly. "I...I don't know how to live without you. And I know that I don't want to."

"You won't have to. Not ever again." Ed promises firmly. "I love you, Iz. So much."

"He's made us sappy." "So? You saying you don't wanna watch the sunrise with me?" ."...shut up Ed."

Ed laughed and kissed him gently and, together, they watched the sun rise on another day.