Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It ripped Garrus in half to leave Shepard as she ran for the beam. He’d already started keening for her before the ship had even flown away, despite trying to keep his emotions to himself.

He was sure his heart stopped when he saw it explode.

Tali tried to assure him. “Don’t mourn for her yet,” she’d said. “She could still be alive.”

Sure enough, despite all odds, the Normandy received news that their captain had, somehow, someway, made her way to the Citadel. She’d opened its arms. The Crucible was docked.

Now all they had to do was hold on.

Wait for her.

But then the Citadel exploded.

If his heart hadn’t stopped before, it did now.

Liara convinced Joker they had to leave. Reapers were being destroyed around them, and they couldn’t risk being hit by debris, especially when anyone that could act as backup had already left. Tali tried to console Garrus, but when she heard they needed to leave the system, even the quarian fell quiet.

What Garrus would give to just hear her voice over the radio asking for pickup.

What they all would give.

But her voice never came, and they jumped into lightspeed.

Tali inhaled. Her breath was shaky.

“I’m so sorry, Garrus.”

It didn’t take long to hear about the Reapers in every system going up in flames. In a matter of half an hour, the threat they had spent so many sleepless, bloodsoaked years to prevent was just… over.

The Normandy crew were itching to return to the Citadel, but it looked like it would take some time; EDI had flickered offline, as well as a few non-essential ship functions such as their cyberwarfare routines and Reaper IFF, and the relays seemed to be malfunctioning on top of it all. The crew paced anxiously; the atmosphere was tight. No one but Tali and Joker, who were repairing EDI, had anything to do but wait, and it was torture . Dr. Chakwas tried to convince Garrus to be seen, but he couldn’t sit still long enough. He was sick with worry, with grief. Eventually, the doctor gave up and moved on, with a promise— or perhaps a threat, Garrus could never be sure with Chakwas— to come back later.

Once the relays seemed to be okay for use again— which took a couple hours— and the resident quarian engineer was able to repair some of EDI’s malfunctioning, Reaper-based hardware, they were off again, desperate to find their commander. They arrived back to the wreckage within two or three hours, and immediately set to work digging through the rubble of the once-great Citadel. Sure, they were looking for any survivors, but if anyone said they weren’t more concerned about finding Shepard, they were a liar.

The crew searched for hours. Some left to rest, tired by their injuries; others, fresh out of the medbay, took their place. Garrus, despite protests from his crewmates and friends, never stopped searching. He could’ve sworn he almost passed out, but he needed to find Shepard. Even if it were only her body— spirits forbid— she deserved that much.

Everything went by in a painful blur.

“ Here! ”

Liara’s cry ripped him from the haze. Garrus bounded forward as fast as his tired body would take him.

Sure enough, there she was: wounded and buried in rubble. Red and black stained her nose and lips, her face, her hair, her arms, her half-melted, destroyed armor. Near her hand laid a single pistol. She was bruised and bloody and broken. He couldn’t tell what was blood from elsewhere and what was a wound.

She looked like hell. 

At first, Garrus thought she was dead; it was a logical conclusion, especially with how horrible she looked. But as Liara used her biotics to move the wreckage surrounding her body, she gasped in a breath, a horrible, gurgling breath, blood dribbling from her mouth, and fell silent again.

“She’s alive!”

His own voice surprised him, rough with exhaustion and worry and pain. Proper medics— those who were still able-bodied enough, anyway— rushed to the scene. The closest decently-stocked medbay was the Normandy ’s, so that’s where she ended up. Dr. Chakwas was there immediately, barking orders and shooing all non-essential people out of the room, Garrus among them.

He stood at the windows of the medbay instead, watching in horror, in worry, and even in some relief. Shepard should be dead. She might still be, in the next day, next hour, next second, but she wasn’t yet; that had to count for something . It had to.

Tali joined him. She brought a chair from the mess so he could sit. She sat, too, and they kept each other silent company for a while. Joker and EDI came by, and Garrus didn’t miss how the pilot was leaning heavily on the robot’s body. Eventually EDI convinced Joker to get some medical attention himself. He’d been out searching with everyone else, and his more fragile body wasn’t very happy with him. Not that anyone’s body was happy with them— pretty much everybody was injured. Liara and James showed up not long after. Steve, who was never too far behind James, made an appearance a few minutes later. Kaiden came next. Even Kasumi, who rarely showed her face even among friends, stood with them uncloaked for a while. Garrus hadn’t even known she was on Earth. Soon, all the crew had come by for at least a little bit, even Javik. Liara had called Wrex as well; the krogan told her he would update Grunt. Soon Miranda sent a message, looking to confirm Shepard’s status. Apparently news got around fast. Miranda promised to pass the confirmation along to Jack, Samara, and, begrudgingly, Jacob, and in turn Garrus promised to call Zaeed. Even Aria T’Loak, the head of Omega, sent along regards. In her own unique words, anyway. How had the news reached her?

Garrus wondered if Shepard knew just how loved she was.

It took long, painstaking hours before Dr. Chakwas emerged from the medbay. She looked grim.

“The Commander is stable for now,” she reported. Her own eyes seemed watery. “But I’m afraid she’s in bad shape. I don’t know if she’ll pull through.”

Everyone still present— Garrus, Kaiden, Liara, James, and Tali— hung their heads. Tali, who had apparently taken his hand at some point, squeezed it. Liara took a shuddering breath. Kaiden muttered a curse.

“She’s stable enough to transfer,” the doctor continued. Though most of the Citadel was destroyed, they’d gotten the hospitals and other places that could serve as such in decent enough working order that they could be used for emergencies. And there were a lot of emergencies. “I need to clear this medbay out for other survivors. I’ll send the proper equipment along, to be sure she’s well taken care of. If she’s still asleep after a few days, she may be transferred to Earth. There’s more room down there. I’ll be sure any equipment is transferred with her, if that’s the case.”

“Thank you,” Tali said, her voice thick with emotion.

“Yeah, thank you,” Garrus added. “Can you tell me where exactly you’re sending her?”

“I’ll only tell you if you let me treat your injuries first.”

A threat, then.

~~

As soon as the doctor was finished patching up his wounds, Garrus retreated to the corner in which Shepard was being kept until the Normandy could drop her off at a nearby hospital setup. She looked horrible. There was something about seeing such a strong woman wrapped up in bandages and wires and IVs, barely breathing, that was almost uncanny.

Gently, Garrus took her hand. He sat there silently for a moment. Or, perhaps for several minutes. Half an hour? He wasn’t sure. Time didn’t seem to matter much right now.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, Shepard,” he said quietly, “but you’re not losing this fight. I know you’re tired, but please. Come back to me. I still need you.” Garrus sighed slightly. “But… maybe that’s not what you need to hear. So many people have needed you lately; the whole galaxy has needed you. You’ve spent so long fighting for others… but now I want you to fight for yourself. For Valerie Mae Shepard. Because you deserve to actually live a little before you die.”

Shepard gave no indication that she could hear anything he was saying. She laid there as deathly still as before.

But he really, really hoped she could.

~~

Garrus followed Shepard to the hospital. As soon as they arrived, the Commander was destabilized; Garrus swore he would have an actual heart attack if this kept happening. As soon as she was no longer in immediate danger of flatlining— which he thought she did, for a moment there, but it was all a blur— Garrus called his family. He explained to them where he was and who he was with. It dawned on him that he’d never told his father or sister who Shepard was to him, how much he loved her. She’d almost died, they’d almost died, and he hadn’t even had a chance to tell his father that she was his girlfriend, or tell his sister that he wanted to spend his life with her. He’d talked about her, sure, but… spirits. Maybe he should put more effort into communicating with his family.

Liara and Tali came by, the latter trying to convince Garrus to get some rest. He refused to leave the room; after all, he would take up less space if he just stayed with her anyway. “As long as you do rest,” Tali insisted. She asked a nurse for a blanket. Eventually the women left again.

A few days later, to Garrus’ surprise, a woman he’d never seen before entered the hospital room. She was in Alliance military uniform, and the red hair in a knot on her head looked strikingly familiar.

The woman seemed just as surprised to see him. Despite it all, she smiled. “I think I can assume you’re Garrus.”

“I am.” He had barely slept, barely ate, and his voice showed it. “And you are?”

“Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard.” The woman offered her hand. Garrus shook it. “I’m her mother.”

“I wish we were meeting under better circumstances.”

“As do I.” She sighed slightly, and repeated in a whisper, “As do I.”

“I… take it she’s mentioned me. You knew my name.”

“She doesn’t message me often, but when she does… I don’t think I’ve ever received a message lately that doesn’t mention a turian named Garrus Vakarian. You mean a lot to her, I’m sure.”

He swallowed. “And she means a lot to me.”

Hannah hummed, almost knowingly.

Garrus could tell where Shepard got it from, the ability to look like nothing was wrong when the situation had you torn up on the inside. If not for the puffy, reddened human eyes that signaled too long spent crying, you wouldn’t know Admiral Shepard was mourning her daughter. All military types had the skill, really; it came with the job. But not everyone had it down quite like the Shepards. Besides, maybe, Castis Vakarian.

The two talked— Garrus could tell where Shepard’s empathy came from, too— and for the first time in weeks, his shoulders felt lighter. And not just because he felt the admiral could relate to him more than anyone else; the woman had a maternal instinct to her, one you could tell just from the way she spoke. As she left, Admiral Shepard, much like all his friends, insisted he rest and eat.

~~

It was a long recovery, but wherever Shepard went, Garrus followed. As Dr. Chakwas had said, Shepard was transferred to Earth. Garrus went with her. Friends came and went, as did family, both in-person and through calls and messages, and the galaxy kept going. Earth and the Citadel were being slowly rebuilt. So was Palaven, Tuchanka, Thessia, and many other homeworlds and colonies. Some of the quarian ships even set aside building their own homes on Rannoch to help the refugees, claiming they already had their ships and could wait for a little longer before they settled onto their newly reclaimed planet. The geth, who suffered a malfunction much like EDI’s but were put back online within a day or so, were similar, stating they didn’t need much of the resources that organics did, such as nutrition and sleep, and had a huge fleet of ships they could use to transfer refugees. Admittedly, having help from a species that didn’t need either of those things was an absolute lifesaver for so many reconstruction and placement efforts. Even the rachni, which Shepard had saved twice over, seemed to migrate from the Crucible to the reconstruction. It was alarming to many people, but slowly, they came to accept the help. In the wake of tragedy, the galaxy that Shepard had united grew closer still. Garrus wished she could have seen it.

As the galaxy recovered, so did Commander Shepard. A few times, early on, Shepard had given them a good scare. Every time the beeping dragged out in a flat-line, Garrus was truly terrified. But she was a determined woman, it seemed.

Garrus, in turn, was a determined turian, staying by her side day and night, but he was dragged out of her hospital room a few times by his friends, mostly crew from the Normandy . He had to admit, he appreciated it, and their concern for him was touching. Joker and EDI dropped off Shepard’s hamster from the ship, which she’d lovingly named Spacer, and Garrus had agreed to care for it. He took it with him when he’d been given a proper living space nearby. He even visited Shepard’s apartment on the Citadel a few times; for what it was worth, the place was mostly intact. The picture of the crew, from the weekend they were forced into shore leave as the Normandy underwent upgrades and an evaluation right before their assault on Cerberus and decided to host a party for the heck of it, was still displayed on the now cracked and crooked TV screen. It sent a pang of bittersweetness— mostly the bitter— through his chest.

But he took solace in the fact that, slowly but surely, Shepard was getting better. Against all odds, it looked like she’d survive. She wasn’t out of the water yet, for sure, but the water had gotten much more shallow. Now all they could hope for was that she would wake up.

Chapter Text

It had been three months. Garrus had visited almost every day, and stayed for hours. Sometimes, he stayed all night. Tonight, it seemed, would be one of those nights. He was dozing off before he knew it, sitting in a chair and bent over to lay his head next to her on the bed, one arm acting as a pillow and his free hand draped over hers.

When the five-fingered hand flipped over and squeezed his, the drowsiness snapped away. Garrus’ eyes flew open and he lifted his head so quickly he was almost dizzy.

When his gaze met a drowsy, greyish-green one and a gentle, exhausted smile behind an oxygen mask, he could have cried with joy. He almost did.

“Hey, honey.”

She sounded horrible. But she was speaking. And smiling. And alive.

If she wasn’t lying on a hospital bed, Garrus would have hugged her and kissed her and never, ever let go.

Instead, he settled to squeeze her hand back and stood so he could bend forward and place a kiss on her forehead. He rested their heads together with a relieved breath.

“Valerie…”

His voice was breathy, quiet. As if speaking too loud would shatter the dream. He gently placed his free hand on her cheek.

“You look like shit,” she said suddenly.

That got him to bark a laugh despite himself. “Look who’s talking.”

“As long as my face isn’t as screwed up as yours.”

Garrus chuckled, but seriousness bled back into him. “I was so worried about you. How are you feeling?”

“C’mon, you know me, Vakarian. I’m too stubborn to die on you. I’ve already tried.”

She scoffed in amusement, a sudden breath through her teeth that almost sounded like a sob. Then she winced, as though the motion had hurt her. It probably did, with how beat-up her body still was.

And then she was crying.

It was quiet, at first. Just the feeling of silent tears rolling onto his thumb. But soon she was sniffling, her breaths had stuttered, and her smile had disappeared.

It alarmed the turian; he’d never seen her cry before. He didn’t let her go completely, but he raised his head away from hers, trying to ensure he wasn’t accidentally putting pressure onto her wounded frame. “Are you in pain? Does something hurt?”

She shook her head, and the flinch wasn’t lost on him. “N-No. Not pain. I mean— I am in pain. Everything hurts. But that’s… that’s not…”

She dissolved into more quiet sobs. Garrus didn’t think he could do anything to soothe it. She’d been through so much in the final assault alone, much less the weeks, months, even years leading up to it. It was probably all catching up to her now. All he could do was run his thumbs over her knuckles and cheekbone, to let her know he was there with her. It hurt to see her like this; he was keeping back keens of his own.

“...Did we do it?” she asked, eventually, through her tears. “Are the Reapers destroyed?”

Her eyes looked out the window at the destruction, at the rubble and death. Earth had begun the process of recovery, but there was still a long, long way to go; the ring of gunfire and the smell of corpses still seemed to stain the streets. At least, they did for Garrus.

Maybe he should have closed the curtains. 

“Everyone is safe, sweetheart,” he said instead. “We’ve started rebuilding Earth, and on the Citadel. Palaven, too. Everywhere.”

“What about—”

“Shepard!” a distinct voice cried in pure joy as the door to the room opened. Garrus leaned back, though still not letting go of Shepard’s hand, as Tali rushed up to her other side and draped her arms over the commander in a gentle hug. The turian now vaguely remembered her telling him that she was going to drop by before heading home for the night, a fact he’d lost between almost falling asleep and Shepard’s regained consciousness. “You’re awake! Thank the stars. We thought we’d lost you.”

Shepard reached up to wrap her own free arm around her friend, flinching slightly but not voicing a complaint. The smile was back. “I’m glad you’re okay, Tali. I was worried about you, too.”

The distinct sound of whirring robotic steps drew Garrus’s attention to the door. As the quarian let Shepard go, the commander’s happy expression dropped to shock as the new guest approached the foot of her bed, folding her arms behind her back as she so usually did.

EDI didn’t seem disturbed by Shepard’s surprise as she smiled, too. “The doctors said you still weren’t awake. You must have just regained consciousness. I’m glad.”

“...EDI?” Shepard asked, breathless, as if she wasn’t expecting her. Or maybe as if she was seeing her in her body for the first time. The latter was concerning.

“Yes. Who else would I be?”

“I thought… I thought the Crucible destroyed you.”

“Some of my software did malfunction, as my intelligence had been partially upgraded by Reaper code. The same happened to the Normandy, as the Reaper IFF and other coding integrated into the systems ceased proper function. However, Tali’Zorah and Jeff made sure that I, and the ship, received the proper repairs and upgrades to ensure functionality without the Reaper counterparts. Jeff in particular was very concerned for me, but I am okay. I have retained all intelligence, memory, and function.”

Shepard made a move to sit up— Garrus tried to stop her, since it was clearly painful, but she did it anyway— before narrowing her eyes at EDI for a few moments. She seemed satisfied with whatever she saw, though, and her expression faded back to confusion.

“What about the geth? Were they deactivated?”

“Some of them had complications like EDI because of their Reaper-based upgrades, including both hardware and software,” Tali explained. “Some are worse off than others, but after a few days the majority were functional again. We quarians, as well as some other scientists, have been helping them with repairs and are almost done with a patch that should stop future problems.”

“But I thought—”

“Shepard.” Garrus took her face by a hand and gently tilted it up to him. “Sweetie. Everyone is safe. You did it.”

“And the Reapers are dead?”

“We won,” he confirmed. It seemed like the umpteenth time, but he was too happy about Shepard being awake and lucid to really care about repeating himself.

“And the relays are intact?”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Tali asked, confused. “I mean… whatever the Crucible did was channeled through them and they shut down for a little while, but they’ve been completely fine otherwise.”

“But… the Catalyst…”

“It worked,” Garrus reiterated. “You activated it, and the Crucible fired.”

“No, that’s not... it said everything would be destroyed. All synthetic life would go out with the Reapers. All the relays would stop working. We’d be set back by years. People would be stranded or killed. But… none of that happened?”

“No…?” Tali said, even more confused.

“Wait, the Catalyst… spoke?” Garrus asked, just as befuddled.

“It… it’s complicated.” Shepard put her hand over her head with a sigh. Once more she winced at the movement. “I don’t really want to think about it right now. I think it’s making my migraine worse.”

Wordlessly, everyone agreed to drop the topic. The last thing Shepard needed was to stress about the war she had already won.

Not a few seconds later, doctors began swarming the room, checking up on Shepard, asking her questions about her pain level and memory, and removing the oxygen mask and a few tubes. People in white lab coats weaved in and out for the next hour. Someone came in to give her a psych evaluation, which the three guests left for. When they returned, Shepard reported it was mostly to make sure she didn’t have a concussion more than anything, but she was sure they’d want a more in-depth one later. She didn’t seem too happy about it.

Garrus had called her mother in the hallway as they waited, something which confused Shepard until he explained they’d met a few times while she was asleep. The rear admiral was elsewhere working on humanitarian efforts, but swore to get there as soon as she could. Joker, who was never far apart from EDI, had also arrived while the three were waiting outside. He was almost crying with joy at the good news and immediately started proving his nickname accurate, teasing Shepard about how she was now as brittle as he was and telling her that she owed him the price for all his therapy after almost dying on him for the third time. EDI and Joker left together, but Tali stayed for a while after. Soon enough, though, the quarian left as well, saying it was late and she had work to attend in the morning. As the door closed behind her, Shepard looked back up at Garrus.

“You should probably head home, too.”

He shook his head. “I’ll stay. Someone needs to make sure you don’t flatline in your sleep again.”

“Again?”

“Like I said: you really scared me. And don’t worry, I fed Spacer enough that he’ll be fine until morning. Or until I can convince Liara to feed him for me again.”

“You have my hamster?”

“I do. He’s been fine, but I know he misses you. I think I scare him, actually.”

Shepard laughed quietly, no doubt trying to reduce as much jostling as possible. “Are you sure you’ll be comfortable?

“I’ve been sleeping in this room every other night for the past three months. I’ll be fine.”

“You didn’t have to do that, Garrus.”

“I did. Now stop worrying about me and get some rest.”

“Haven’t I been doing that this whole time?”

“I’m serious, Valerie. You need it.”

She rolled her eyes, but she didn’t seem too genuinely angry. Garrus leaned forward to kiss her forehead, again feeling so unbelievably grateful for her life. “I’m going to go ask for a blanket. I’ll be right back.”

Shepard merely hummed a response.

By the time Garrus returned, she was already asleep. As he had for so many nights after the war, he drifted into unconsciousness with the beeping of monitors in his ears; but this time, he was lulled by soft snores.

~~

The next morning, James and Kaiden filed in, a few minutes apart. Garrus got the idea that the hospital room— or maybe just the fact that Shepard was inside of it and hooked up to so much machinery— made James slightly uncomfortable, but he stuck it out regardless. He and Shepard settled right back in to their playfully flirty banter. Kaiden made a joke about the two of them switching positions from when he was first recruited back to the Normandy. Liara was naturally one of the first there as well, greeting Shepard with a gentle hug. She brought Javik with her; the Prothean was an awfully odd sight in a hospital, but Garrus had gotten used enough to seeing him. He offered his deepest respect to Shepard for avenging his people and saving her own. Eventually, Liara informed the two of them that Javik had decided to stay with the asari on Thessia after everything was said and done. Plus, she had convinced him to answer more questions than ever. With the Reapers finally dead and this cycle safe, Javik was more willing to comply with her curiosity.

That afternoon, Miranda called; she was with Jack elsewhere on Earth, much like Rear Admiral Shepard, helping humanity— and any other alien refugees— get back on their feet. They had too much on their plate to visit in-person, but the call went on for two and a half hours as they all just talked.

Wrex had since left for Tuchanka, being needed there despite wanting to stay on Earth for his friend, but Grunt had remained, meaning that evening was a completely plausable time for him to be charging into the room with several doctors fruitlessly running after him. He almost dove onto Shepard before realizing she was probably too fragile for a krogan hug at the moment. Even in her bedridden state, Shepard was able to scold him into apologizing, albeit begrudgingly, to all the people he’d plowed through and frightened. Apparently, she’d done the almost the same thing with some cops back on the Citadel while the crew was on their mandatory shore leave. Garrus offered to call Wrex so they could all say hello and update him on Shepard’s condition. The krogan leader was ecstatic to hear his friend’s voice. Before Grunt left, he told Shepard he would soon be heading back to Tuchanka, too, now that she was awake. He thanked her for restoring his people and being such an excellent battlemaster. It was the most genuine Garrus had ever seen him. The commander promised to visit when she could.

By the time everyone who was coming for the day had made their rounds, Shepard looked exhausted. Garrus couldn’t blame her.

“You alright?”

“I’ve… been better,” she admitted. “I’m tired.”

“I’m sure. You just fought with death. Again.”

The two slipped into silence for a moment.

“I still can’t believe EDI is alive,” Shepard said, finally. “Or the geth. I thought…”

She didn’t finish her sentence. Garrus had the idea he probably shouldn’t finish it, either.

“You mentioned the Catalyst had told you that the Crucible would wipe out all synthetic life,” he said instead.

“It did. It…” Shepard heaved a sigh, but not without a wince. “It’s a long story.”

“I’m listening. I still don’t know what happened up there.”

Shepard looked at him with heavy eyes. Garrus reached forward to gently cup her face. 

“You don’t have to tell me right now, though,” he added.

“No, I… I want to. I think I need to talk about this before the pressure snaps another bone. Even though I’ll probably sound like I’ve finally gone truly and completely insane.”

Garrus nodded, allowing his hand to migrate from her cheek to her palm. Despite the differences in their hand structure, they fit together like puzzle pieces. “I don’t think anything you can tell me will sound insane anymore.”

She took a moment to collect her thoughts, or perhaps her courage. 

“When I was up there, the Catalyst, it… it looked like a child. A translucent human child. And it spoke to me. It tried to explain to me why the cycle had been happening, why the Reapers were necessary. They were meant to prevent war between organics and synthetics, something they— or, their programming, I guess— saw as inevitable.”

“What about the quarians and geth? They made peace.”

“I had thought that, too, but it... it didn’t seem important, somehow. As if the edges were dulled. If that makes any sense.” She shook her head slightly. “After it told me why the Reapers had been doing what they were for so long, it told me if I destroyed them, I would kill all synthetic life along with them. The geth, EDI… everything. It said it would destroy the relays, too. Everybody would be stranded. All of the troops here on Earth, my friends... they wouldn’t see their home ever again. So when that’s what I chose to do anyway, I was expecting to wake up knowing I had killed a whole race, killed my friend, and stranded whole fleets far away from their families.” She paused. “Well. If I woke up at all.”

“So… the Catalyst tried to encourage you to sympathize with the Reapers and discourage you from destroying them?”

“I… I hadn’t really put it together like that, but… yeah, it did.” Gears seemed to be beginning to turn behind her eyes as she continued. “That’s not all it said, though. It… gave me other options.”

“Other options?”

“Two. I could either merge my mind with the Reapers, in a way, controlling them… becoming them,” the mere thought seemed to bother her, “or I could somehow… combine organic and synthetic life, making everyone a bit of the other. It would prevent that inevitable organic-synthetic war. But it would cost me my soul, or… something like that. It’s sort of fuzzy. And sounds worse aloud.” She squinted as she spoke, as though it gave her a headache to recall the information. Maybe it did. “That option seemed like the best one at the time, with what I had to work with, but… I don’t know. It somehow felt… wrong. It felt very wrong.”

“I want to preface this by saying that no, I don’t think you’re crazy,” Garrus began. 

“Great start.”

“But this thing wanted you to understand the Reapers and then either control them— which is what the Illusive Man wanted— or synthesize with them— which is what Saren wanted— and it specifically didn’t want you to destroy them, which was the whole point of… well, the last several years. That’s strangely specific, isn’t it?”

At his words, Shepard’s eyes squinted and those gears behind them turned faster. She was putting pieces in place and all but connecting them with red string. And then the answer dawned on her. It was a process he’d always loved to watch, seeing her figure out ways to get from point A to point B, usually trying to jigsaw together a way that involved minimal bloodshed while everyone else was trying to tell her to run in, guns blazing.

But this time, the process was slightly more concerning.

“Wait a minute. You’re… you’re right.” She sucked in a breath, a soft gasp. Something clicked. “And thinking about it makes my head hurt.”

“Then maybe you should leave it alone for a little while.”

“No, Garrus, you don’t understand,” she insisted, and when she looked at him, her eyes were wide. “It lied to me, and I... I almost fell for it. I almost didn’t destroy them. It almost won. The Reapers almost won.”

“Shepard.” He gently took her cheek, trying to encourage her to look at him. “The Reapers didn’t win.”

“No. Garrus, I think… I think I was indoctrinated.”

Garrus felt his heart drop. Even though he knew rationally that the Reapers were gone for good, the thought of Shepard being in their thrall was utterly terrifying. 

“I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it?” she continued in his silence. “I was exposed to more Reaper tech than anyone else on the team, between Saren, the Collectors, Aratoht, and the entire war. And Cerberus clearly isn’t opposed to using Reaper tech— they used it with EDI before me and their troops after me, so for all I know some of the cybernetics they used to rebuild me are Reaper-based, too. And what happened on the Citadel... like you said, everything the Catalyst said was too specific, and looking back on it, my judgement wasn’t sound. I can barely remember details, and trying to gives me a headache. Not to mention, what happened... what happened before then doesn’t add up.” Something urgent came alight in her eyes. “I haven’t seen Anderson. Where… where is he?”

He swallowed. He hadn’t wanted to be the one to tell her.

“He… was killed in the charge. I’m sorry.”

“In the charge. Not on the Citadel.”

The turian could tell immediately that Shepard was compartmentalizing what he had just told her. Her eyes dimmed at the news he’d just delivered, but she wasn’t commenting on it at all, her expression barely changed. There wasn’t even a pause to process it. He wanted to bring it up, tell her she needed to pause and grieve, but she would only fight with him right now. It would be better to address it later, when her mind wasn’t still in a mid-war state.

“Along with the majority of Hammer,” he confirmed instead.

“So he was never up there.”

“You were the only one who made it.”

“So I must have hallucinated.”

“You saw Anderson while you were on the Citadel?”

“Yeah. I… I thought it was weird he had gotten there before me, but… I was too tired to really think about it that hard. What about… have you heard anything about the Illusive Man?”

“Just rumors. He seems to have gone underground, at least. Maybe he was killed, but there’s no confirmation. Why?”

“No body?”

“Why would we have found a body?”

“Because he was up there, too. At least, I thought he was.”

Garrus didn’t know how to take all this new information. 

“It also explains the nightmares. It… hell, it’s so obvious. How did I not see it?”

“Probably because you were busy balancing the galaxy on your shoulders.”

“I need to call Liara. I’m sure she can check if—”

“Shepard, you’re exhausted. As surreal as I know it feels, the war is over. You don’t need to worry about becoming a double agent for Reapers when there aren’t any Reapers left. You can rest.”

Shepard fell quiet. The silence lasted for a long time. She pressed her quaking lips together as tears started falling silently, trickling down her face.

“I don’t think I know how to rest, Garrus.”

“I don’t either, Shepard.” He took her hand firmly in his. Their eyes met. “But we can figure it out together.”

~~

Shepard knew the ghosts of this war would forever haunt her footsteps, that the blaring calls of Reapers would forever echo through her dreams. She knew the phantom feeling of a gun in her hands would forever press against her palms, that holes left by departed friends would forever scar her heart and the despair would forever stain her soul.

She didn’t know how to live with the shadows or the echoes or the holes or the stains. She didn’t know how to live with her feet on solid ground, with her life in one place rather than travelling the stars. She didn’t know how to live with the absence of orders and no mission to carry out. She didn’t know how to live with the time to think about a future she was now guaranteed. Perhaps she didn’t know how to live at all.

But as a three-fingered hand gripped hers and she looked into her lover’s eyes, she found she believed him.

They would figure out how to live, together.

And no matter how hard, she knew they would find happiness, someday.

They were Shepard and Vakarian, after all.