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Scar hummed, brushing his long hair out. It was normal for male elves of his culture to grow their hair out long. It often represented how wise one was. He always watched his father brush out his hair and explain it over and over. It also wasn't unnatural for male elves to wear dresses. Most would wear pants and coats, but it wasn't uncommon for some to wear a dress.
Of course, often times it made others confused as to what gender each elf is, but that added to the fun of it all. Scar had been accidentally called a lady multiple times upon since arriving here. He didn't really mind all that much.
It felt nice, people thinking he's a lady, but he just assumed the thought to be that he just found it humorous. He felt like he's been referred to as masculine terms for so long, it got kinda boring and he wanted to try something new.
If only he knew.
"Hi Scar" A voice suddenly said from behind him and he let out a loud yelp, nearly dropping his comb. "Oh gosh!" He announced, turning to face whoever scared him. He let out a sigh of relief upon seeing it being a familiar parrot avian "You nearly made me drop my goshdang comb. Hi, G" He was trying to catch his breath.
Grian laughed and sat beside him "What are you doing?" "Brushing out my hair" Scar hummed, continuing to comb his hair "It always gets so tangled. I might need to tie it back sometime"
"At least then we won't keep mistaking you as a lady" Grian commented, watching him. Scar stifled a chuckle "Aw. And I liked people calling me a woman" He joked, putting his comb away.
Grian giggled and shook his head "The constant mistake must upset you, no?" Scar hummed, thinking for a second before shaking his head "No not really. It's a refreshing take rather than the boring old masculine terms"
Grian blinked, his brows furrowing "What do you mean by that?" Scar tilted his head, confused "Huh?" "What do you mean that it's a refreshing take?" Grian asked again.
"Oh! I mean like... Everyone's called me a male all throughout my life. No ones called me a lady until I got here. It's refreshing to hear something new, ya know?" Scar explained, smiling over to him.
Grian nodded slowly, taking in what Scar had said. This poor elf had no clue. "Are you sure you're not actually a lady?" He asked to which Scar rolled his eyes "Yes I'm sure. I'm a guy. Trust me"
Grian looked him over before saying "Okay... But if you start having any doubts of that, you know where my base is" Scar scoffed, watching him stand up "I doubt it, but thanks for the offer" He responded back. Grian flew off and Scar was left, confused as to why Grian was even asking such a thing.
Denial.
---
It's been a couple weeks since the encounter with Grian and nearly every day, Grian has been stopping by - alongside Mumbo now - asking the state of his apparent "denial" was. He wasn't in denial about supposedly being a lady. He was very confident that he was a guy.
Scar had been working on his mattress store, sighing as he built up one of the bed frames. "Scar?" A voice spoke and Scar screamed, dropping the wood out of his hands. He quickly turned to face whoever scared him and saw Mumbo standing at the entrance of the room. He sighed aggressively.
He could already predict what Mumbo wanted. He gritted his teeth together, heading over to where they were standing. "Hello! What honor do I serve you today, my fine mustached fellow"
"I have a quick ques-" Mumbo started before Scar cut him off "If it's about what you and Grian keep on asking me, I'm banning you from my shop"
Mumbo grinned sheepishly before saying, very unsure of himself "Nooo..?" Scar sighed and hung his head "What is it?" He asked. Mumbo was quiet for a second before he said, his voice soft "You'll figure your thoughts out soon. I'm not gonna keep on bugging you about this, but just know it's okay. You're still questioning-"
"I'm not questioning my gender, Mumbo!" Scar snapped, staring straight at the other "I am a guy. I very much enjoy being a guy. I enjoy people referring to me as a guy!"
Mumbo nodded silently before sighing "Okay. Well. I'm always here for you, if you do have any questions" Scar watched them leave and he let out a loud growl, shaking his head. He was tired of the constant nagging about this subject. They never even ask about his day anymore.
Anger.
---
It was the middle of the night and Scar was restless. All the constant questions by Mumbo and Grian were now truly taking effect. His head was all confuddled, thinking heavily about how much he likes both gendered terms. He's fine with masculine. He's already known that. Feminine though... He wasn't going to complain.
Feminine terms were surprisingly very nice. He wonders what it would be like if he was a woman. People calling him pretty and beautiful and complimenting his dresses... He wonders what it would be like if he wore makeup and curled his hair and people called him a pretty girl...
He narrowed his eyes, seeing Jellie was staring at him. He sat up and patted for her to join him. She hopped on up and sat in his lap as he sighed heavily "Gender is such a confusing topic, right Jellie?
She meowed and began purring. He nodded "You're right. But what would I even call it? I like being called a guy and I like being called a lady" He heard her meow again and he huffed "I can't just ask Grian about it. I know he's offered to help, but that's just offering my head to the enemy!"
She didn't say anything, standing up and stretching before jumping off the bed. He sighed and stood up, walking over to to his bookshelf. He scoured over the shelves for any books that may help. His eye fell upon a book that Grian had gifted him a couple days after his first discussion with Grian about the topic.
He pulled it out and sat back on his bed, flipping through it. It was a book about the study of different gender identities and what each label represented.
He continued searching before his eyes fell upon the label of "Bigender". It seemed to fit, he felt. It was like he could be both masculine and feminine at the same time.
He sighed heavily, closing the book with his eyes wide open. It just fit him so much. Did he finally figure out a label..?
If he did, then why did it feel like something was missing..?
He shook his head and buried the feeling. It was probably nothing too important. He stood and set the book back onto the book shelf before collapsing onto his bed, burying himself into his blankets and finally finding sleep.
Bargaining.
---
Scar sighed before peeking his head into Cleo's base "Cleo?!" He called. It's been a few days since he's come to the realization of being bigender and yet something still didn't feel right. He feels like there's a piece missing from the puzzle, but he can't figure out what.
So.. He's gone to visit one of his trusted friends and ask for some advice. He knows she won't really know anything about this, but it wouldn't hurt to try.
"Scar?" He heard Cleo ask and he saw her walk out "What are you doing here?" Scar grinned sheepishly before saying "What? Can't a guy visit a friend once in a while?"
"Uh huh..." Cleo held disbelief in her voice.
"Can I come in?" He asked and she stared at him before shrugging and motioning him in. He happily followed her command and walked into her home. "Nice home" Scar commented and Cleo rolled her eyes, closing the door behind him and resting a hand on her hip
"What actually brings you here?" She asked, looking at him with an unamused look. Scar looked at her silently before sighing "Well..." His eyes flicked away, observing the wall "I've been thinking a lot of my gender recently... And.. Uh-" He breathed out a shaky breath "I've landed on bigender.."
Cleo's eyes lit up in surprise "That's great, Scar!" She started, but she noticed the down look on his face "But what's wrong?"
Scar wrapped his arms around himself "It.. Feels nice as a label, but... I feel like something is off. Like I'm missing something when I use the label.."
Cleo's eyes grew soft and she took Scar's hand, leading him to a chair. "Aw, Scar..." She hummed, her voice gentle. She sat next to him "What part about it seems off?"
Scar narrowed his eyes "I.. I don't know..." He murmured "I.. think of it and I just.." He closed his mouth before pulling Cleo into a hug "This is all so confusing" He whispered, his voice choked as he fought the tears in his eyes.
She hugged him and started to rub shapes on his back "It's okay.." She hummed "You'll figure it out soon, okay?' She waited for him to pull from the hug, but he didn't, so she continued holding him.
"I feel so confused and lost and like I'm losing my mind. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why my thoughts aren't happy with this label.." Scar cried out, clutching the back of her shirt.
Cleo hummed a calming tune, just holding the poor elf. "I'm not too well equipped with all this gender stuff, unfortunately... But I think I have someone who could help you - if you'd like. She'll be a whole lot more better than me and I have a feeling she's gone through something similar"
Scar pulled from the hug and wiped at the tears never ending from his eyes "Who?"
"Pearl" Cleo answered, a gentle smile on her lips "She is a whole lot better experienced with all this gender stuff. And I know she's one of your friends."
"Pearl..?" Scar asked, tilting his head "I'll.." He paused, thinking about it. She was Grian's sister and he was sure the avian already told Pearl about what happened between Grian and Scar. But... If Cleo suggested her, then he might give her a try. "I'll go and see" He responded.
"Sounds great. Now raise your chin. Your crown is falling, Queen" Cleo grinned, wiping Scar's tears. Immediate warmth flooded through Scar at the feminine term and he stifled a laugh "Will do"
Depression.
---
A couple of hours had passed and Scar was feeling much more better. Cleo had spent the entire time, cheering up the elf and was now walking him to Pearl's base. The two were just chatting away, easing Scar's nerves for the conversation in a few minutes.
The pair stopped before Pearl's house and Cleo gave Scar's hand a small reassuring squeeze, flashing him a kind smile. Scar breathed in before knocking "Pearl?!" He called, the nerves starting to grow once again.
Cleo nudged him gently, reminding him to breathe. He breathed slowly, closing his eyes before hearing Pearl's voice behind him "Oh Hello you two! What brings you guys to my humble abode?"
Scar jumped, shouting and nearly falling into Cleo. Cleo caught him and Cleo smiled "Hi Pearl. Scar, here, wanted to chat with you. I'm here for emotional support"
Pearl raised an eyebrow and asked "A chat? About what?" Cleo carefully pushed Scar forward and Scar murmured "I'll tell you inside. I'd rather not have Grian witnessing this conversation"
Pearl looked over to Cleo, tilting her head a little and Cleo just waved her hand. Pearl looked back to Scar and shrugged "Alright. Sure"
She led the two into the home before closing the door behind her "Get comfortable anywhere. Want anything to drink?" She said, heading into the kitchen.
"I'll take a water, thank you" Scar said, sitting down at the dining table. Cleo sat beside him and Pearl was quick to arrive with two glasses of water. She slid one to Scar and she downed the other one.
"Talk whenever you're ready" Pearl said, joining them at the table. Scar sighed and fidgetted with the glass of water
"I was.." He started before quickly downing the water, feeling his throat was dry. "I visited Cleo to... Discuss with her on my thoughts on gender... And she told me to go and visit you, since you're an expert on the subject"
Cleo and Pearl looked at each other and Cleo nodded, answering the question that Pearl was silently asking. Pearl looked to Scar and said "I am. What's the discussion?"
Scar looked at the glass in his hands before saying "I've.. Been questioning my gender recently. I had landed on Bigender, but.." His eyes flicked up to Pearl before looking to the glass again "Something about it didn't feel... Right. Like something is missing.."
Pearl reached forward and laid a hand on his hand, asking "Do you have any clue what could be missing?" Scar took her hand, squeezing it a little "No.." He murmured.
"Okay.. That's perfectly okay. You're still figuring things out." Pearl hummed, pausing before asking "Can you tell me how you feel when people use masculine terms on you?"
"I.. I mean it's fine. People have used them all the time on me so it's gotten kinda boring" Scar furrowed his brows.
"Okay. Okay... And feminine terms?" Pearl asked again.
"I.." Scar took a moment to think on it and recalled the warmth that grew inside him when Cleo called him "queen". "They're nice. But I'm pretty sure because they're a new concept to me"
"Okay... And now gender neutral terms?"
"They're fine as well. I know people will use them when they're not sure what gender I am, so they're fine." Scar nodded, playing with Pearl's hand.
"And no terms?"
"What's that?" Scar asked, tilting his head.
"It means like... Not using any terms. Like just referring to you as your name and your name only" Pearl explained to which Scar shook his head "It's not for me"
"Okay. Great" Pearl smiled, standing up as she let go of Scar's hand "Do you want more water?" Scar thought for a moment before nodding, handing her his glass.
She left to refill both her and Scar's glasses with water. Scar just sat anxiously, nervous for what was going to be next.
His knee bounced anxiously, watching her return with more water. She flashed a calming smile and handed him his water before settling back down, saying "Don't worry. What pronouns do you use? I'm curious. You mentioned you're bigender"
"I.. To be honest, I never considered that part.." Scar murmured, taking a sip of his water "I guess, he/him?"
Pearl hummed before asking "Well... Do you want to test a new set?" Scar thought for a while, shrugging "Sure. Why not"
Pearl smiled happily "Sounds great" She drank some of her water, asking "Can I try she/her on you?"
Scar nodded and Pearl hummed, thinking up a sentence. Once she thought one up, she said "I have this friend who goes by Scar. She has a wonderful personality. That smile of hers really makes me happy. I could talk to her all day about her cat, Jellie. I wonder if her day has been wonderful."
Scar was beaming so brightly at the she/her pronouns. Hearing them being referred to as him just made him feel so much warmth spreading through all his bones. It really did seem to fit him.
"So? How does it make you feel?" Pearl asked, hiding her knowing grin behind her glass of water. Scar giggled happily, hiding his shy smile in his hands.
Both Pearl and Cleo laughed and Scar huffed. Pearl rested a hand on his shoulder and said "It's okay that you like them" She chuckled "We can try they/them next, if you'd like"
"Sure.." Scar breathed out, drinking his water after. Pearl nodded and began thinking another one up, removing her hand from his shoulder. Eventually she said "My good friend, Scar, is very cool. They are an amazing builder and their builds are just as cool. I care a lot about them. They talk about their cat, Jellie, all the time"
Scar wasn't beaming as much this time, his face growing neutral. "Nope. Not much effect" He said, drinking more of his water. "I figured" Pearl hummed, forgetting with her glass "You want me to try he/him on you?"
"I already go by he/him, Pearl" Scar rolled his eyes.
"Well. It never hurts to try" Pearl explained "He/him should make you just as happy as she/her should"
"Okay... But if I don't like it, it wouldn't mean I'm not bigender" Scar murmured.
"Of course" Pearl smiled "Some do just use one set of pronouns, but that shouldn't be the final answer for you"
Scar let out a short him, mumbling "Get it over with, already"
Pearl chuckled and said, after thinking for a while "I have a marvellous friend named Scar. He loves creating things with his hands and he enjoys ranting about his fixations or his builds. I find him very interesting"
The pronouns didn't spark any new reaction in Scar. Ir felt just as not him as they/them were. This meant nothing. He's sure.
"So?" Pearl asked, knowing the answer already. Scar shrugged "Nothing. It just feels like the same old boring he/him"
Pearl glanced him up down down, humming before saying " Okay... Can I test the gender terms you said you liked on you?"
Scar tilted his head and said "Sure..?" Pearl nodded and said "Okay. Great. Let's start off with masculine. How would you feel if I called you a handsome man? If I was showing you to one of my friends and I told them you're a kind gentleman?"
Scar shrugged "It's just boring..? I'll go ahead with it considering that's what I am - or one part of me feels"
Pearl nodded slowly before saying "And if I were to use feminine terms on you? What if I were to introduce you to a friend and called you the most beautiful lady. If I told them you were a pretty girl and called you a ma'am?"
The warmth flooded through Scar's bones again as he could only imagine Pearl actively calling him feminine things. He nodded slowly "It.. Feels less boring.."
"Like it's you?" Pearl asked, locking eyes with Cleo. Cleo hid a smile and Pearl looked back to Scar. "I.. Guess you can say that" Scar nodded.
"How long have you felt this way? Like how long have you felt like it's.... Nice for feminine terms?" Pearl asked again and Scar hummed "I don't know. Uh..."
He thought for a second before saying "When I was still a teen, someone thought I was a young lady and I would say it felt nice. But they changed it to young man when they realized it and it felt upsetting, but I kinda just figured it was because everyone already thinks I'm a guy"
"Uh huh.." Pearl nodded slow. This poor elf still doesn't realize. "Do you think you're a guy?" She asked, drinking some of her water. "I think? Or at least half, since bigender..." Scar responded, thinking.
"If you weren't born a male and instead were born a female, would your thoughts on feminine and masculine terms change?" Pearl asked, already knowing the answer based off of how he's been answering.
"Well... Maybe..? Because..." Scar started, but he started to think on it. Would his thoughts on it change? Masculine terms kept on getting rating on the same area as gender neutral terms on the scale. If he was a woman... He probably wouldn't have even considering taking on masculine terms...
Scar's stomach dropped when he realized what it meant before he said, his voice hoarse "No.. I don't think it would... I think..." He swallowed hard "I don't think I would even consider masculine terms if I was born female"
Pearl processed the information that Scar just said and she reached a hand out "I think- I can give you the answer you're looking for.. But I think you already know what it is.." Her voice was gentle and reassuring.
Scar nodded small before saying "I think.. I might just be a woman.." Her eyes fell upon the glass of water in her hands.
The egg has finally cracked.
Acceptance.