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Vash wishes he could remember more about his past. But Nai tells him not to worry about it, so he doesn't. Nai's always done such a good job at taking care of him, no matter how useless Vash is at times.
The last thing Vash can clearly remember is his childhood with Nai and Rem on the ship. It was their perfect little world, with just the three of them to keep each other company. Nai says that something horrible went wrong with the fleet's navigation one day, and all the ships went crashing into the planet. It was unexpected and nothing could have been done to prevent it. Rem managed to save the two of them and used her last moments to save the plant ships.
"I checked the crash logs," Nai says, "There was nothing that could be done for the other ships. The plant ships had working fail safes, you see, but the ones carrying humans didn't activate.”
That doesn't sound right to Vash. There was no way that all of them just failed like that, not after so much time and ingenuity went into building the ships. Those ships carrying millions and millions of precious souls, holding humanity’s last hope. But Nai is insistent. He doesn't like talking about it when Vash pries for more information.
"It was traumatic to live through. It's best if you don't remember it.” So Vash doesn't ask anymore about how they got there.
Nai says Vash was also very injured as a result of the crash. Apparently, Vash spent the majority of the next 100 years in and out of consciousness. The only thing that kept him alive was Nai.
"You were so broken. I kept you in your tank and occasionally you'd wake up, but not for long. Even though you were here, it was so lonely, Vash." All this sounds vaguely familiar.
He remembers a tank. He remembers Nai in the tank, too. "I'd keep you company, from time to time. But everything turned out alright in the end. You were broken and I remade you.”
Vash agrees with Nai. But he swears he remembers things from after the crash. He remembers people. Humans.
He remembers a woman, who despite being half Vash's size, had enough pep and fight in her for two of him.
He remembers a man, who would complain about how much trouble both Vash and the woman caused him, yet never strayed too far from them, watching closely and protectively.
He remembers a man with a stoic exterior, but Vash knew he was so, so kind. He remembers seeing it in that man's eyes. A man who had been through much more than anyone his age should have.
Vash didn't know them for long, but they made a lasting impression.
"Oh, them? They were sleeping humans on our ship that we visited when we were kids.” Nai informs him, “As you healed, your mind created scenarios of them to keep you company. It was just a dream. They’ve been dead for years, Vash.”
That doesn't sound right either, but Vash doesn't question Nai. He knows more about what happened after the crash than Vash ever would.
But still.
A lot of what Nai says doesn't always make sense, but he shushes Vash and soothes his mind when Vash's doubts run deep, when his anxieties peak. "Let's go to your tank, all right? You always feel better in your tank."
And Nai is right. He does.
Nai gently holds Vash in the tank with his rather intimidating metal tentacles, each one composed of many tiny blades. He's not sure why his gentle big brother would need to create something that looks so awful, and Vash is a little afraid to ask. As soon as those appendages sink into his back, those worries about his memories and his past vanish. Now, Vash feels nothing. Nai's tentacles used to hurt when they'd grasp onto him the first few times Nai took him to his tank, but now Vash feels nothing. That, too, used to bother Vash, but Nai says feeling nothing is better than feeling pain. So Vash lets himself feel nothing.
When he wakes up, he's in the garden that Nai created long ago, surrounded by luscious greenery and a gorgeous shade tree, with sleepy plant children cradled in his lap. Beautiful, delicate little children that make Vash’s heart swell when he sees them. Nai watches them sleep by Vash’s side, his arm snaking around Vash’s waist.
Vash asks Nai how the independents came to be, when their own birth all those years ago was a one-of-a-kind event. (Was it? There was no one before them, right?) “Our bond rescued them from their dependent bodies. Our love was so powerful that it reached down deep into the dimension where their souls slept, and woke them up into our world.” But how, Vash wonders, how could he have helped create something so massive, something so wonderful as these tiny angels, when he can't do anything? When the only thing he's good at is existing?
“You don't have to be good at anything,” Nai smiles and kisses his cheek, “You just have to be with me.”
Nai suddenly laughs, like he's sharing a funny joke, “You'd be lost without me, you know. You can't do anything by yourself, so I'll take care of you, my Vash.”
Vash nods and smiles. Nai's eyes light up and he kisses Vash’s other cheek. Nai is happy with Vash, so Vash is happy.
This is the second generation of independents, Nai tells him. The first are adults now, off exploring the barren planet, breathing life into it. Vash wants to go too, every cell in his body aches to leave this place Nai calls their home. But Nai says it's dangerous. So Vash stays home with Nai.
He stays and takes care of the children. "You're wonderful at it," Nai praises him and Vash can't help but to yearn for more. "I'm sure when we have our own child, you'll raise them just as well."
But when Nai says that, something about it doesn't sit right with Vash. They can't have kids together, not like that. They shouldn't.
"You're not caught up about us being brothers again, are you?" Nai looks at him with a serious expression, "Even Rem agreed that we're a mated pair, remember?"
Vash doesn't. But that's okay, he has Nai to fill him in on all the details.
When he does remember, it's when he's dreaming in his tank with Nai. He's a child, holding hands and facing an equally young Nai. Nai smiles at him, and Vash can't help but think he looks a little cocky. Rem crouches next to them and for a second, Vash thinks she's going to place a comforting hand on both their shoulders. But she doesn't. Instead, she keeps a respectable distance between her and the two of them.
"It's all right for you to love each other," Rem says and it sounds almost rehearsed. "You're not humans, after all. You don't have to subscribe to the norms that we must follow. The both of you were meant to be with one another. It's fate!”
Nai nods in agreement and she continues, "It doesn't matter that you're brothers. It doesn't matter that you're twins. That just makes your bond stronger and deeper than any relationship you could have with a human!"
She looks at Vash. It's hard to see her face clearly. She speaks again, "That includes myself.”
This dream feels far too real, too vivid to just be a dream. So Vash knows it must be a memory, but it feels like he's experiencing it for the first time. Nai squeezes his hands and smiles. Rem smiles, and it doesn’t look like he remembered it looking. Vash smiles too. But he thinks his doesn't reach his eyes.
Nai leans in and kisses Vash. He kisses back, chaste and hesitant. Rem coos at the two of them from above and the dream becomes fuzzy.
Vash wakes up in Nai's embrace. It's warm, as always.
“Did you have a nice dream?” He asks. Vash isn't sure.
“It sounds like you did,” says Nai, so it must have been.
Vash doesn't do much. He sleeps. He sits in the garden and plays with the children. He eats when Nai lets him. (“We need to wean you off of this,” Nai speaks to Vash like he's one of the children in the garden, “It's not healthy for you.”) Nai says he doesn't have to do anything. Nai says it's fine, that Vash can't do much anyway, he's always relied on his big brother, just let Nai take care of everything.
All Vash has to do is exist near Nai. All Vash has to do is stay with Nai. To relax in the garden with the children. To keep Nai’s bed warm. To make pretty moans and breathy sighs when Nai touches him. To squeeze around Nai when he's thrusting deep inside of him. To always remember to soak in the tank everyday.
To promise to never, ever leave Nai alone again. To never run away. To not want anything that Nai doesn't need him to.
But
But Vash wants.
He can't help it, that feeling of wanting has wormed its way into his bones, buried itself within his very soul. It hurts so much to want, and he knows Nai would be so, so sad if he knew. His Nai, who has done so much and sacrificed everything to care for Vash. But he can't help it.
Vash wants. He needs. He feels he desires he aches he cries he breathes he screams he wishes he dreams he longs he yearns he hungers he thirsts he craves he loves
But Nai says not to.
So he doesn't.