Archive of Our Own

His coming out had been meticulously planned; hours spent in Ms Welton’s office with Keeley, Higgins, and Ted going over the logistics and how to approach it. Meetings with Sky Sports, Keeley by his side so they could control the flow of information, stay in control of the narrative. Countless hours in therapy worrying about whether he was doing the right thing or not and working through how it was going to change his life. 

He’d meant it when he said he didn’t want to be a spokesperson but he also didn’t want to have to hide any more, but he couldn’t have one without the other so he’d had to weigh up the options; what did he want more? 

In the end, not hiding won out, he could tolerate the interviews, the questions, even the hate if it meant no longer having to be careful at all times, hypervigilant of everything he does, vetting every date so they don’t out him. 

But he had the team on his side now and he kept telling himself that was all he needed to get through it. So he decided to come out.

The plan was simple, he'd do an exclusive interview with Sky, followed by a press release from the club showing their support, over the following week the team would all show their support through posts on social media alongside Colin posting something himself. 

Now it was just a waiting game, a date set and creeping closer.

“You alright?” Keeley asked, Colin pacing anxiously, waiting for the reporter to arrive and cameras to be set up. 

“Yeah, yeah. Just a bit nervous is all.” He adjusted his training kit for the thousandth time. 

“That’s completely normal, it’s a big deal. But it’s going to be alright.” She pulled him into a hug, “You’ve got this.” 

It didn’t take much longer for everyone to arrive and get set up. The reporter came over and introduced herself, “Hi Colin, I’m Lila, lovely to meet you.”

“Likewise.” They shook hands before getting into position, ready to start.

He shook his hands out and rolled his neck before they began. 

Whilst talking to Sky Colin had been forewarned about what questions he would be asked and assured him there’d be no deviation so that he knew what to prepare for. As a result he and Keeley had come up with answers, key talking points and how to go about it. 

Apparently being under the lights and the centre of attention fried his brain though because he wasn't really sure what he was saying but it was definitely not what he and Keeley had scripted. It wasn’t live so if he wanted he could stop and they could start again but his brain was in go mode so he ploughed on. 

At some point he started making gay jokes. He hadn’t meant to make gay jokes, they were just sort of happening. They hadn’t been part of the plan but he kept on going, unable to get himself to stop. 

It was oddly surreal, he’d watched Jake Daniels’ coming out when it’d happened, it’d been the same set up as his was; in his training kit, in the dressing room, being interviewed for Sky. He remembered watching it on his phone in bed, alone, late at night. He’d spent the day subtly reading the articles and trying to avoid the conversations the team was having about it; it hadn’t been until he’d gotten home that he’d actually been able to watch it. It’d made him feel so much ; he’d felt sad, and lonely, a hollow resignation in his chest because he could never have that, but another part of him felt exhilarated because he wasn’t alone and someone was taking the leap, a seventeen year old was taking a leap that he, a twenty five year old, had been too scared to do. 

Part of him had wanted to reach out to Daniels when it first happened but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, too scared to do even that. 

But now here he was two years later doing the exact same thing. 

“The team have been fantastic, if anything they’re a little too supportive. They keep trying to get me to take them to a gay bar or a drag show as if I know the scene at all, like ‘hello I’ve just hopped out of the closet thank you very much’. If anything they’re more excited about it all than I am.” He laughed a little, it was true the boys had been more supportive than he ever thought possible, “I wouldn’t be surprised if next match you saw us all playing in drag.” 

“So I guess it’d be a bit of an understatement to say they’re supportive?” 

“An understatement is putting it mildly.”

Eventually the interview was over and Colin felt a bit dazed, impulse having taken over for the whole interview. 

He saw Keeley and cringed a little bit, he’d thrown all of their planning out of the window, but all his worry disappeared when she ran at him and jumped up into his arms, he used the force of it to spin her around a few times before putting her down, “Oh my god that was amazing!” She squealed, pulling him into a proper hug. 

“I am so sorry, I completely ignored everything we’d agreed on.” She pulled back and slapped one of his biceps, “Jesus Christ Keels, that hurt.” 

She pointed an accusatory finger at him, “It better’ve, you don’t get to apologise, it was perfect, fuck the prep we did, that came from the heart which is the most important thing.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yes! You did such a good job and I am so proud of you babe.” 

A week later the team, coaches, Keeley, Rebecca, and Higgins gathered in the press room to watch the interview as it was aired for the first time. 

As soon as it started a loud cheer erupted throughout the room. Isaac pulled Colin into a side hug whilst Jamie ruffled his hair.

“Who’s that sexy, sexy man then?” Jamie feigned ignorance as Colin tried to get him to leave him alone. Luckily for him the interview started, the team cheering along anytime Colin said anything remotely funny or mentioned the team. 

Throughout it Colin could feel his phone blowing up, eventually he got it out and put it on do not disturb, the constant buzzing getting annoying very quickly. 

It wasn’t an insanely long interview, so soon enough it was done and everyone began to get ready to head out. Some of them were planning on going to Jamie’s for a night in, everyone agreeing that Colin’s place would probably get swamped by press and paps pretty quickly. He didn’t think any of them had his address, before this he’d never been a person of interest but these people had their ways, they’d find out sooner or later, and he had bets on it being sooner. Originally he was going to stay with Isaac but the two of them were rarely seen apart so it made sense that the press would assume he was there when they realised he wasn’t home. So even though Jamie’s address was better known amongst the paparazzi community they were less likely to look there. 

As soon as it was done Colin and Jamie bolted for the latter’s car so they could leave before any press arrived, the others following behind them at a somewhat calmer pace. Colin’s car remained at Nelson Road as not to give away his location, the car too garish to be subtle. 

When they arrived at Jamie’s Colin put his things away and then got settled on the sofa, he laid down and put his feet in Jamie’s lap, the other man having already sat down. 

“Make yourself at home, why don’t you?” Jamie joked.

Colin moved one foot so he could kick Jamie’s thigh, “Fuck off Tartt, I’ve had a big day so you have to be nice to me.” 

“And what if I’m not?” 

“Then imma shove my foot in your face.” Colin raised his foot anyway and began attempting to shove it in Jamie’s face, the other man fighting him off, the two of them eventually falling off of the sofa, laughing. 

They stayed there for a few minutes, “Your carpet is so comfy.” Colin sighed, eventually pulling himself up and back onto the sofa. 

“I should sure hope it is, spent way too much money on it for it to be minging.” 

The others began to arrive, filtering into the house at around the same time. 

Sam had brought food from Ola’s, having gotten some of the boys to help him bring it in from the car, whilst others had brought a plethora of booze. 

It was a wild night of drinking, eating and karaoke (because apparently karaoke was their thing now), the festivities went on into the early hours of the morning. The team had thankfully been given a long weekend so that the initial press frenzy could calm down. They didn’t have a match that week, one of the few weeks of the season that wasn’t international break that they didn’t have a match, which allowed them to have Friday and Monday off, four days for the press to calm down a little and things to begin to settle. 

The next morning Colin finally checked his phone. He’d had it on do not disturb since the interview aired, not wanting to and not ready to deal with the onslaught of messages. 

Unsurprisingly he was trending on Twitter, a quick scroll through showed a mixed reception which wasn’t unexpected, he knew that would happen. 

As he scrolled there was a knock on his door followed by Jamie with a plate stacked high with buttered toast, “Got you toast, thought you might need some carbs.” 

“Thanks boyo.” Jamie walked over and handed it to him followed by a glass of water, Colin tried to figure out how he’d carried both, knocked on the door and then let himself in with both hands full but he gave up pretty quickly, not actually caring enough to dedicate brain power to it. 

“You looking at yourself on Twitter?” He asked, sitting down on the bed, cross legged, and stealing a slice of toast. 

“Yeah, avoided it last night but I need to know what people are saying, get ahead of the game.” Colin took a slice of toast himself before putting the plate between the two of them. 

“Right, be careful though, yeah? You know what people are like online, cunts the lot of ‘em.” 

“I know, at least there’s some nice stuff here as well. Trying to ignore the shitting ones.” Colin shrugged nonchalantly, he knew that he’d struggle with them later but right now, sat with Jamie, they didn’t feel all that powerful. 

“Read me some of the good ones?” He asked, trying to lean over and get a look at the screen.

“Alright.” He began to scroll, locating the ones he liked, “‘Big win for the Welsh, gay, football fans today. We’re eating well tonight.’” 

“So true, big win for the el-gee-bee-tees.”

“Why the fuck did you prononce it like that?” Colin looked at him, baffled. Jamie looked back equally baffled. 

“Like what?” 

“You enunciated it way too much.” 

Jamie just flipped him off in response, “Read me more.” 

“‘Might actually start watching football now’, one person says, another said, ‘damn hot gay welsh men in football, didn’t know i could be interested in this sport’”

“Alright Hughes, don’t get too full of yourself, I’m still the hottest bitch on the team.” Jamie had a mischievous smirk on his face. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. This one says ‘some absolutely iconic gay jokes happening, Hughes gets it!’ and this one is ‘10/10 would love to watch Richmond play in full drag’. Oh you’ll like this one! ‘Fuck you Colin Hughes for making me want to see Jamie Tartt in drag, it’s not fair.’” 

“They’ve got good taste. Reply to it!!” Colin didn’t need any convincing as he typed out a reply, “What did you say?” 

“‘I also want to see Jamie in drag, think I might start a petition’” 

“Oh that’s a good one!” Jamie pulled his own phone out, smirk never leaving his face as he began to type. 

“Oh god, what are you writing?” 

“‘3 retweets and the contact details for an expert drag queen and I’ll do it.’”

“For real?” 

“Obviously.” Jamie scoffed, “Gotta give the people what they want.” 

They continued going through the tweets, the main takeaway being that the gays loved Colin now and that they all found him weirdly funny, which honestly was the best case scenario for him. 

@AFCRichmond - All of us here at Richmond are extremely proud of @ColinHughes12 for coming out and we fully support him. No hate will be tolerated at Nelson Road, we champion diversity and want to make this sport safe for everyone

@IsaacMcAdoo - [A photo of him and Colin on a night out, arms around each other, smiling, a little bit drunk] honoured to call this man my best friend and to be his Captain. Love you bruv.

@JamieDoDoTartt - [A photo of him and Colin celebrating a goal, Colin jumping on his back] this man right here deserves the world, so proud of him

@KJPR - As a queer run company it has been an honour and a pleasure to work with @ColinHughes12 as he paves the way to a more accepting future for football

@FootballIsLife - [A photo of Colin and Dani lying on the training pitch in the snow, Colin is trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue whilst Dani makes a snow angel] Football is love 🌈🌈🌈

@ColinHughes12 - [A Photo of him and the team in the dressing room, a pride flag with the Welsh Dragon on it being held up behind them all. Another photo of Colin and some of the boys posing in front of The Swarm roller coaster. One of the official ride photos of him, Isaac, Jamie, and Bumbercatch on the ride pulling funny faces. Colin and Jan squatting side by side looking very seriously at a frog. Colin and Jamie sharing a blanket at a movie night. A selfie of Moe where a blurry Colin can be seen looking outraged in the background, Colin and Isaac dressed as Ted and Beard for Halloween] 

I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life, the amount of support I have received has been more than I could’ve ever asked for. These guys have changed my life and made me feel comfortable and proud enough to finally tell the world that I’m gay. For a long time I’ve been terrified of people finding out, homophobia is still rampant in football both in the dressing rooms and out on the pitch, but Richmond have made their support and love for me abundantly clear. This team raises me up and helps me be a better version of myself, a version I didn’t know existed until very recently, a version of myself who is proud to finally tell the world that I’m gay. So here I am making it official! 🌈✨I’M GAY✨🌈 I’m not going anywhere any time soon, you’re stuck with me in all my homosexual glory ready to fight for a more inclusive future in football!!!!! 🌈🌈🌈

@BumberCatchTheseHands - enjoy this compilation of @ColinHughes12 being a queer icon: 

[Multiple clips of Colin edited together:

• Colin in the dressing room, grabbing his bag as he goes to leave “They say no gay has all 5: A job. Good relationship with their father. Neurotypical brain. Ability to top. Driver’s licence. And boyos I’ve got a job and that’s about it.” As he walks out the camera zooms in on Jamie’s confused face before he says “But you’ve got a drivers licence”. The camera goes back to Colin who’s stopped in the doorway “But I shouldn’t”. The camera goes back to Jamie where the cogs in his brain could be seen turning before it all clicks into place, “You can’t top?!” 
• Colin in a nightclub dancing to Lady Gaga
• Colin trying on Zoreaux’s gloves, “Good thing I’m not a goalie, I’ve not got the wrists for it.” He does the limp wrist action.
• Colin in the cafe at lunch, “I don’t really like hummus”. “Is it the texture?” Isaac can be heard asking. “Nah, because it’s made of chickpeas, ba-dum-ch”
• “Sometimes I forget people are attracted to women, rip, could never be me, I’m too cool for that” 

It was a month post public coming out and a new normal had begun to emerge. His first match after the interview had been crazy, he’d been preparing himself for an onslaught of hate, and granted there was a fair bit of it, but it looked like as many tickets as possible had been bought by the community if the excessive amount of pride flags were anything to go by. 

There had been a fight in the stands, he hadn’t seen it happen at the time but there were videos online. Some twat was spouting homophobic bullshit after Colin missed a goal only for a man who could only be described as the quintessential Bear started telling him to stop. The bear was absolutely tearing the guy a new one, until the man tried to punch him, only problem being that the other man was huge, the homophobe didn’t stand a chance. 

In all honesty it couldn’t actually be called a fight, one punch was thrown and then the guy was pulled into a headlock and detained until security could kick him out. 

Colin had managed to find out who he was (Keeley working her PR magic) and he’d been able to send him a signed shirt and other bits and bobs as a thank you.

So all things considered it’d gone pretty well. Of course there was still a lot of hate, tweets and chants that he couldn’t avoid. But he tried to not let it get to him but it was tricky, it was all so loud. 

He tried to focus on the positive as best he could, tried to keep moving forward. 

“Colin! You got a second?” Keeley called down the corridor. 

Colin stopped and turned to see her speeding towards him, “Hey, you alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m great, I’ve just had a very interesting opportunity come up for you. Now if it’s not your thing then you can say no but they seemed really excited at the prospect of having you and I think you’d be fantastic on it, but again if you don’t want to then don’t feel pressure to. But Channel Four just called and they want you on the next season of Taskmaster.”

“The fuck?” Was the only thing Colin could say in response, trying to process what Keeley had said, “They know I’m not a comedian, right?”

“They know, they said they saw your interview and the pressers you’ve been doing and think you’d work well on the show. Look you don’t have to decide straight away but think about it, alright?” Keeley went to walk away, but was stopped almost immediately by Colin’s voice.

“I want to do it.” She stopped and turned back to him, clearly very happy with his answer, “But wont it clash with training?” 

“You'd be needed one day a week for tasks, I can talk to Ted and get you okayed to be away for that and then the live shows are in the evening. They’ve said that if there’s a clash with any weekday matches they can get someone to step in for that show, they’ve had to do it before so you wouldn’t be the first. I’ll make sure it works and I’ll chat to Ted and Rebecca before I give Channel Four the go ahead, just to make sure everything on our end is airtight.” 

“Which one do you prefer?” Colin asked, holding up two outfits for everyone to see. 

Colin had invited some of the boys over to help him pick his outfit for the pre-recorded tasks. Jamie, Sam, and Bumbercatch had squeezed onto the sofa, Thierry, Jan, and Richard were sat on the floor in front of them, whilst Dani perched on the arm of the sofa. Isaac sat on the singular arm chair, looking every bit the captain he was.

“Bomber jacket” Jamie said immediately. 

Issac nodded in agreement, “Put it on.” He commanded. 

Colin put the coathangers down before putting the jacket on and gave them a little twirl. It was a dark blue with his name and number on the back in yellow, there was a Welsh flag embroidered on one sleeve and a pride flag on the other whilst a Richmon badge sat embroidered on the left side of the chest. 

The whole group nodded, “Well the jacket is settled, what we thinking for top and trousers?” Colin asked, holding the options up again. 

“Gotta go classic,” Bumbercatch said, “Red polo all the way.” The whole group nodded again.

Colin took the jacket off and then swapped his t-shirt for the polo, “Dark blue jeans with the turn ups.” Richard added almost immediately. 

Colin changed his trousers, Jamie wolf whistling, “Fuck off Tartt, you wish you could have this.” Colin joked as he sorted the belt out. 

“Chunky boots.” It was Thierry’s turn to chip in. Colin chucked them on and then put the jacket back on. 

“Opinions?” 

There was a unanimous decision that the outfit was perfect. 

He was off every Monday to film, always coming back with some weird story to tell about something bizarre he’d done.

“Yesterday I had to ‘do something to make my home proud’, I didn’t know what the fuck I was supposed to do, like, haven’t I done that already? Literally the second out, active football player in the top four leagues at the moment, only one in the top, how am I meant to top that?”

“Don’t think the Taskmaster would take that as an answer.”

“No he wouldn’t, so I wrote and performed a rap about my hometown in Welsh.” 

“Anything fun yesterday?” Jamie asked the next Tuesday.

“Had to knock a duck off a plinth with a tennis ball in the least attempts possible. Let’s just say my career came in very handy.”

“But you don’t play tennis.”

“No, I kicked it, Jamie.”

“Oh, right. How many attempts?” 

“Got it in one boyo.” 

Colin’d been carrying a burner phone with him for two months, he’d been given it for a task but he’d simply been told to “wait for instructions”. 

During training Will would carry it around, every other time Colin had it, he refused to miss the message and everyone else was onboard, even Roy. 

Just as expected it went off whilst they were training, they were playing seven-a-side as the text came through. 

“Colin!” Will yelled running towards the match, “You’ve got the instructions!” 

Colin grabbed the phone, everyone gathering around to look at it. “Join the following link dressed as Abraham Lincon, fastest wins.” He read out loud. 

Beard grabbed his phone and started typing in the link as the boys rushed around trying to find anything they could use. Within ten minutes he’d shoved a cone stand covered in cones on his head as a hat, a random white top on and someone’s zip up training jacket, Dani was crouched just out of view, hair being held up to make a beard. 

Colin joined the call, he was the second there, the whole team cheering loudly as they knew they were in second place. 

“Hey boys.” 

“Hi Keeley!” Everyone greeted her in unison, the singular Richmond brain cell working in full force. 

“Colin, Jamie, can I borrow you for a second?” They both look at each other and nod, following her out into the corridor. 

“So exciting news, Pointless want you on for a celebrity special. Colin it’s two weeks before the taskmaster live shows start so you’re in the clear and it’s one evening if you’re both interested?” 

“I’d love to.” Jamie said without even having to think about it.

“Yeah, I’m up for it.” Colin added a second later. 

“Amazing, I’ll let them know.” 

“Are you nervous? Because I’m a bit nervous. I’m actually very nervous.” Colin was pacing up and down the dressing room whilst Jamie sat on the sofa watching him. 

“It’ll be fine lad.”

“No it won’t! I’m gonna make a tit out of myself. I’m not smart enough for this, I’ve not got any GCSEs! I don’t know anything.”

Jamie stood and put his hands on Colin’s biceps, stopping him from pacing, “It’s for charity Col, you don’t need to know nothing just be a bit silly and people will love it. ‘Sides we’re footballers, no one’s expecting us to be smart.” 

“I’ll still feel like a knob though.” 

“Yeah, but you’ll be my knob.” 

“Ew Jamie! That’s gross!” 

Jamie looked at him, confused for a second before realisation dawned on his face, “Not like that! Fuck that, nu-uh nope. I do not want your gangly little body replacing my dick.” 

“Don’t keep talking about it! Jesus Christ!” 

Before they could continue to be grossed out by Jamie’s inability to think before he speaks they were called to set, a runner coming to grab them. 

In the end the two of them were surprisingly good, knowing enough obscure trivia that they were landing fairly low scores; they even had a pointless answer, which was obviously on a football question. 

They didn’t win or anything, they never thought they would, but it was still good fun. 

“See that weren’t so bad now, was it?” Jamie joked, knocking his shoulder into Colin’s.

“Okay, it was actually pretty good fun.” Colin admitted, looking a bit bashful. 

“How about we go get drinks, drown our loss in beer.” 

“Why not, not everyday you come third in Pointless.” 

They found a small pub not too far from the studio. It was fairly quiet as it was a Thursday so they were able to find a small table tucked away in the corner where they could hide out. 

“Hells or Neck Oil?” Jamie asked, he knew Colin like both and the place had both on tap so obviously he’d end up getting one of them.

“Surprise me.” Colin told him, getting settled at the table. 

Jamie returned a few minutes later with two pint glasses, both decorated with bright drawings of skulls and bones and the word “Beavertown” going down one side. 

They both sat there for a moment before Jamie broke the silence, “I ordered some olives.” 

“What kind?” 

“I dunno?” He shrugged, “Whatever type they sell. Probably the green ones with the stones in the middle.” 

“Right, yeah, those are the usual.” Colin took a swig of his drink, “This has been fun, right? Like you’ve enjoyed it, yeah?” 

“‘Course, had a bangin’ time” 

“Same. Could we do it more often?” He stopped for a second, “I mean hang out, not Pointless, we probably won’t do that again, we just never seem to hang out just the two of us, outside the club.” 

“Nah, you’re right, we should do this more. I’d like that.” 

Eventually olives arrived and more pints were ordered. Next thing they knew it was eleven and they were being kicked out, both of them a little bit tipsy, stolen Beavertown glasses in their bags. 

“Wanna come back to mine?” Jamie asked, the two of them walking to the tube station, “Unless you’re tired and would rather sleep, I mean it has been a big day so I wouldn’t blame you for wa-” Jamie began to backtrack almost instantly. 

“I’m fine, it’d be nice to hang out some more.” 

“So, more drinks at mine then?”

It didn’t take them long to get to Jamie’s place in Wimbledon, stopping off to grab booze and Chinese on the way there. 

They spread the food out on the coffee table and chucked the TV on, trawling through catch up to see if there was anything good to watch. 

They eventually settled on the Wagatha Christie documentary. 

“Did you find this weird?” Colin asked, “Like we’re footballers and this was all going down but it felt so far away, but it was happening right on our doorstep.” 

“Well we weren’t on the same team as either of them and we ain’t got Wags, weren’t really close to it other than having the same profession as their husbands.” 

“True.” Colin paused for a second, “If Wags are wives and girlfriends, what would I have?”

“Husbands and boyfriends would be Habs, I guess.” 

“Hate that!”

“Imagine if you dated another footballer, you’d both be Hab’s and players.” 

“Probably, not like it’ll happen though. Might get a Hab if I’m lucky but defo wouldn’t be one myself.” Colin looked a little downcast at that.

“Do you want to date a footballer?” Jamie asked, noticing Colin’s reaction. 

“Nope.” Colin said too quickly before shoving a sweet and sour chicken ball in his mouth in an attempt to end the conversation, but Jamie wasn’t giving up that easily. 

“You like someone, don’t you?” Jamie was getting closer to the root of it, “Who is it? Is it someone playing for Richmond? Or are they from another team?” Colin shook his head violently, “If you don’t tell me I’m gonna start guessing.” 

“There’s nothing to tell.” Colin finally swallowed. 

“Is it Harry Wilson? You’re both Welsh forwards, you’re both short, he’s like your counterpart. Bet you’d find that hot.” Jamie jabbed, cocky persona making an appearance. 

“Come on Jamie-”

“Oh is it David Beckham? Or Chris Basham? Calvin Bassey? Ola Aina? Dele Alli?” Colin shook his head at every single one. Jamie’s guesses were random, the first players that came to mind, not actually believing that they were the ones Colin liked, he seemed to get a little more excited with every ‘no’. “Oh my god it’s Tom Cairney isn’t it? I’m right! It’s Tom!” It clearly wasn’t Cariney. “Oh my god you’ve got to tell Isaac! You know they used to play together? Of course you know they used to play together! Oh shit you’ve met him at parties, of course you have, that’s why you have a crush on him, because you see him at the parties Isaac takes you to. You’ve got to kiss Tom Cairney la-” Jamie was now making an active effort to wind Colin up. 

“Jamie! I’ve not got a crush on Tom Cairney and even if I did like him I would not kiss him, he’s married with kids! I’m not a homewrecker Tartt.” 

“Boo, you’re no fun. Tell me who you love!” 

“Fuck off Jamie, I’m not telling you!”

“What if I ask reeeeaaaaally nicely?” When had their faces gotten so close? 

“I’m listening,” He could feel Jamie’s breath on his face, it had all of a sudden gotten really intimate, volume dropping in the close proximity. 

“Pretty please with a cherry on top, I promise I won’t tell anyone, I’m really good at keeping secrets.” 

“Oh really? And how do I know that?” 

“Ain’t told no one I’m bi yet, well except Keeley. And now you. So are you going to tell me or do I have to keep guessing?” 

“I’ll give you one more guess.” They were pretty much nose to nose at that point. 

“Is it me?” 

Instead of an answer all Jamie got was a kiss right on the lips. Colin pulled away as soon as he realsied what he’d done, “Holy fuck I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m going. Bye!” Colin scrambled to his feet, but before he could get all the way up Jamie pulled him back down and initiated another kiss. 

Once they broke apart Jamie rested his forehead on Colin’s, “I’ve got a crush on a footballer too. I’ll give you three guesses.” 

“Billy Gilmore?”

“No”

“Diogo Jota?”

“Nu-uh”

“João Palhinha?” 

“Wrong again”

“Give me a clue?” 

“Well he plays for Richmond, he’s very handsome, short-”

“Bumbercatch?”

“I wasn’t finished you knob. He’s bilingual,”

“You’re still just describing Moe.” 

Jamie snorted, “Fuck off, it’s you you tit.”

Colin feigned shock, “I never would've guessed.” 

“Clearly.” As he chuckled Jamie leaned in and kissed him again. 

“Hey Ms Welton.” Colin greeted, sticking his head around her office door.

“Colin, how many times do I have to tell you, Rebecca’s fine. Now please come in, have a seat.” Colin shuffled in and sat down in one of the chairs in front of her desk. “What can I do for you?” 

“Let’s say, hypothetically, I wanted to steal the Carabao cup so I could get a copy made of it, and then lie about it being the real one on national television. How would I go about it, slash would I be allowed to do it?” 

“Let me guess, Taskmaster?” 

Colin nodded, “Taskmaster.” 

“We’ve only got a replica anyway so I’ll see what I can do about getting another. See if I can pull some strings with the EFL.” 

“Thanks Ms Wel- Rebecca, sorry, thanks Rebecca.” 

“That’s alright Colin.” 

He gave her an awkward thumbs up before shuffling out of the room.

The Taskmaster live shows eventually started. It was a bit surreal, he’d watched the show loads but now he was actually on the stage, weird. 

He found it funny how when it started the panel were introduced as “Four comedians and a footballer” but by the final episode it was simply “five comedians” apparently he was a comedian now, he wasn’t mad at that. Career choice when he retires maybe? 

He was actually surprisingly good, he thought he’d be shit but he actually won a few episodes, well he won a lot of episodes, he did win the show after all. 

His prize tasks had been wild, he had the money so of course he’d go all out. 

Best Stolen Item - “My stolen item is… The Carabao Cup! Richmond won it last season, very proud of that, so I decided to steal it out of the trophy cabinet. I mean I scored one of the penalties that got us the win so like… I kinda deserve it.” - 5 points 

The Best Worst Investment - “I’ve brought the keys to my Lamborghini, so I actually brought my Lambo, it just doesn’t fit in the studio so you get the keys now, car later. Uh, it’s a shit investment because I can’t drive it, it’s way too much car for me and I’m shocked I haven’t killed someone yet.” - 3 points

The Item That Raises The Most Questions - “This is my favourite tea pot, it looks like an agar, like why the fuck did someone make an agar shaped tea pot? It’s even got a little ceramic cat on it, like who would do that? Why’s the cat on the agar? Also I don’t drink caffeine, I only drink green tea and you do not brew green tea in a pot like that, that’s for Breakfast or Earl Grey tea only!” - 1 point

Least Appropriate Accessory For A Wedding - “Strap on, enough said.” - 5 points

Most Annoying Thing - “Uh so the most annoying thing is actually something very close to my heart, it’s football sensation Jamie Tartt. I don’t think I really have to explain why he’s annoying but he’s a gobby Mancunian who thinks he’s the sexiest person to walk the earth and he won’t shut up about it so, you know, annoying to hear him all day everyday.” - 2 points

Most Cash - “I'll top the highest amount by a grand.” - 5 points 

It did mean his house was now full of tat, and when it finally aired he’d been called out on Twitter for nicking a footy trophy, but he quickly set the record straight on that one. 

“Colin!” Keeley flagged him down in the corridor again, “Got another TV offer for you. Big Fat Quiz Of The Year want you this time.”

“Another show? I’ve been on two already, the fuck’s going on?” Colin was shocked he’d been invited onto one show, now he was being invited onto his third it was starting to get freaky. 

“People just seem to really like you. Speaking of, we should probably get you to do more post game interviews, could be good for you and the team-“ She began talking to herself as her brain kicked into gear, working through the new thought. 

“Keeley?” Colin prompted, “Big Fat Quiz?”

“Oh, right, sorry. They want you on, they’d pair you with Fern Bradey, because..”

“We’re both queer, autistic Brits who aren’t English?” 

“Yeah, that.” 

“Fuck it, yeah, I’ll do it. Be a bit of fun.” 

“Amazing, I’ll tell them!”

Keeley began to walk away, already getting her phone out, but Colin had a thought, a sudden question he needed to ask, “Keeley, do you think I’m not seen as a footballer anymore?” 

“What do you mean babe?” She looked like she was examining him, trying to figure him out. 

He walked over to her, “Just like, I keep getting asked onto these shows and like sure I did like ‘This Morning’ and shit when I first came out, but this is different. It’s like comedy panel shows and that kinda shit, things they don’t really get sports people to do. I mean come on, by the end of Taskmaster I was included under the umbrella of ‘comedian’. I got stopped the other day and asked if I was ‘that Welsh dude from Taskmaster’, in Richmond of all places. I dunno, I just feel like I’m starting to get famous but not for the reasons I should be?” 

“Well I think people have finally realised how wonderful you are and they think you’re funny, so they want to see more of you. It’s not a bad thing Colin, and you’re fucking good at it. Embrace it, none of the other boys have this, it’s your thing so run with it.” She gave his bicep a squeeze before she began to walk backwards, pulling her phone out again, “I’m going to confirm this and look at contracts, but if you want to talk you know where I am.” 

Colin just stood there for a second, processing the conversation he’d just had. 

He’d become a tv personality. 

Well shit. 

Colin was sat at the kitchen table whilst Isaac cooked for them, scrolling through as many news sites as he could on his laptop. 

“You can’t revise a whole year of events.” Isaac told him.

“I can try. But it’s not like I have to know the whole year. I'm looking at the key points of every category, basics of music, film, tv, politics, science, all that shit.” 

“And…”

“I only know football! I don’t know shit else.” 

“It’s a comedy show bruv, and you’ve got a partner, don’t stress it.” 

“Jamie said the same thing about Pointless. Am I just the silly idiot on these shows, the comedic relief or something?” 

“Everyone is, kinda the point. I mean there was a whole bit where they actively terrified Jack Whitehall with Mr Blobby. James Acaster was flinging literal ice cream about. The whole Tommy Petrol thing. You may be a little dense but you won't be the only one.” 

“Wow, way to make me feel better, thanks boyo.” Colin rolled his eyes before going back to his laptop, “Can you test me?”

“Alright, what was the highest grossing film at the box offices this year?” 

“Minions?” Colin didn’t look certain at all.

“Fuck you are going to tank.” 

Colin let his head drop and hit the table with a groan. 

Colin and Jamie were sat on the sofa, Jamie with a series of flash cards in front of him. 

“What was the top selling album of 2023?”

“1989 (Taylor’s Version)” 

Jamie nodded before asking the next question, “Highest grossing film?”

“Barbie”

“What country started using the Euro?”

“Shit, uh, Croatia?” 

“Yep. Which major Catholic figure died?”

“Pope Benedict the… fourte- no the, shit, fifteenth?”

“Sixteenth. What did Australian surfer Laura Enever set a record for.”

“Riding a big wave.”

“I’ll take it, she set the record for largest wave ridden by a woman.” Jamie put the cards down. “I think you’re going to ace this, be proper smart.” 

“You think?” Colin flopped forward, hiding his face in the crook of Jamie’s neck. Jamie manoeuvred them so they were lying down, Colin lying on Jamie’s chest. 

“I do. And you’ll be proper funny, you always are.” Colin buried his face in Jamie's jumper. 

“Stop being nice to me.” He grumbled, voice muffled by Jamie’s jumper. 

“No can do, you’re too cute for me to be mean to you.”

Colin snorted, “Thought I was a jaundice worm.” 

“Pre Lust Conquers All doesn’t count, I’ve grown since then, thank you very much.” Jamie began scratching Colin’s scalp, “You know it ain’t true though, right?” 

“Hm?” 

“You’re not a jaundice worm, and I don’t think you’re one. I used to say mean shit so I felt better than others, even if it ain’t true.” Colin nodded, “I did mean it when I flirted with Bumber’s mum though, she’s proper fit.” Colin lifted his head and slapped Jamie’s arm lightly. 

“You’re a dick.” 

“Yeah, but I’m your dick.” Jamie had a shit eating grin on his face.

“Nope, we’re net doing this again.” Colin went to get up, trying to hide a smile.

“You’re not going anywhere, mister.” Jamie wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back down. Colin didn’t fight it, letting Jamie hold him, melting into the embrace. 

“Jamie?”

“Yeah?” 

“We need to have a conversation.” 

“I know, want to have it now? Or it can wait. I don’t mind.”

“Can we have it now please. But I don’t want to look at you whilst we have it.”

“That’s alright, do what you gotta do Col.” 

“Thanks.” Colin took a second to collect his thoughts, “So you know I’m ace?” Jamie hummed, confirming that he did, “And that I’m down the end of the spectrum where I can’t have sex?” Another hum, “Is that okay?” 

“Course, I knew that when we got into this.” 

Colin relaxed a little, taking a breath before continuing, “I know sex is a big thing for you-”

“But I very much separate it from romance.”

“Yeah, I know. What I’m trying to say is that if you want sex, I know that’s something I can’t offer, and I’m comfortable with you, you know…”

“Picking people up in clubs?” 

“Yeah, if you want that.” 

“Would it make you uncomfortable?”

“No.”

“And you’re not just saying that because you think you have to?”

“No.”

“Then yeah, I’d like that. But I want us to keep this as an open conversation, incase that changes.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Jamie placed a kiss on the top of his head, “Anything for you.” 

Actual Fuckig Cunts Richmond

Jamy Tart - 17:09

good luck col!!!!! 

na na na Dani Rojas - 17:09

good luck amigo! 

Saaaam :) - 17:09

Can’t wait to see it! 

McAdoodle-Doo - 17:10

you got this bruv

BumberTwat - 17:10

pop quiz: who is englands all time greatest scorer?

Jamy Tart - 17:10

me obvs

that’s gay mate - 17:10

harry kane 

Jamy Tart - 17:10

boo!!! and here i was thinkin you loved me

that’s gay mate - 17:10

lol soz x 

Jan Maas - 17:10

Have fun out there! 

Mustache Dad - 17:10

As long as you have fun that’s all that matters - Ted x 

that’s gay mate - 17:11

thank you mustache dad xxx

So they didn’t win, but Colin couldn’t find it in himself to be disappointed, it’d been a laugh and if anything getting answers wrong had been more fun. 

The boys had been in the audience so they all met afterwards for drinks. Colin introduced them to all the comedians before they all headed off to a club. A wild night of drinking and partying ensuing.

Jamie came up to him late into the night, “Hey, I’ve met a girl who wants to, ya know…” He wiggled his eyebrows, “You happy with that?” 

“Yeah, go have fun!” Colin gave him a genuine smile.

“Thanks.” Jamie danced off, blowing him a kiss. They weren’t public as Jamie wasn’t out so that was their way of getting around it. It wasn’t gay to blow your homies kisses in the media’s eyes. 

Colin didn’t have any TV offers for two months, he assumed it was over, he’d run his course and could go back to just being a footballer. Back to a nice and easy life where he only had to focus on training and matches. 

But the quiet didn’t last. 

Keeley was waiting for him in the car park when he arrived on Monday, waving at him as soon as he got out of the car. 

“So you’ve had another TV offer.” She told him as they walked down the corridor together, “They want you to do 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.” 

“I dunno Keeley, this’ll be my fourth show, don’t you think it’s getting a bit excessive now, I mean what are they even getting out of this anymore? I came out months ago, I’m not interesting anymore.”

“Firstly you’re plenty interesting. Secondly they’re not riding on the attention you got when you came out, they’re working off of the fact that the public find you really funny and that you’re good on these shows. Look if you don’t want to do it you don’t have to, that’s more than okay, but they are genuinely interested in you, so think about it, yeah?” 

He sat on it for three days, talking to Jamie and Isaac about it and pondering his options. Eventually he texted Keeley to confirm he was going to do it. 

The first set of letters were GOTRTABDE “I’ve got five; Trade” 

The second set were RHDVAPAII “I’ve only got threes boyo, I did not know what the fuck was happening here. I got; Hap, Pav, and Had, pretty sure only one of those is actually a word.”

EGDOATROT “I’ve got five, I was fucking thriving on this one Jimmy, bish bash bosh so many words! My five is tarot, I also got toad, goat, trot, and dot. Fucking good at spelling for a man without GCSE’s I am.” 

And then the numbers happened.

They had to make 936 out of 50, 7, 4, 10, 9, 5 - “I’ve got 9 times 10 which is 900, add 50 to get 950, take away ten for 940 and then take away 4, gives you 936. Booyah!” He stood and dropped his pen like he was doing a mic drop “Woever said gays can’t count clearly hasn’t met me, I am the king of numbers!” 

180 from 100, 75, 50, 25, 4, 7 - “I’m not the king of numbers anymore” He said sadly, “I got 186. 100 plus 75 is 175 plus 25 is 200, minus 7 is 193, minus 4 is 186.” 

“That’s actually 189.”

“I am the fool of numbers.”

354 from 50, 75, 25, 8, 6, 4 “Alright, my pride is on the line with this one; 75 plus 25 is 100, times that by 4 to get 400, minus 25 gives you 375, take 25 and that’s 350, add 6 and then minus 4 for 354”

“So close that’s 352.” 

“I’ll show myself out.” 

When the episode aired they all watched it in the press room and played along and unsurprisingly some were better than others. 

It was no shock that Bumbercatch and Sam were fantastic and in retrospect unsurprising that Jan was really good too, especially with the numbers. 

Also unsurprisingly Jamie and Isaac struggled with both numbers and letters. 

For some of the boys that was the final straw, over the years it’d be abundantly clear that Jamie and Isaac struggled with letters and numbers a lot so an intervention was staged. 

“We think you’re dyslexic” Moe said, stood in front of the sofa Jamie and Isaac were sat on in Colin’s living room. 

“We also think you might have dyscalculia,” Jan added from his spot on the floor.

“You are both adults so it is not essential that you get tested, but it might be worth exploring.” Sam was perched on the arm of the sofa. 

“We found some tests online and thought maybe we could all do them?” Colin offered. “We don’t want to force you, so you don’t have to, but you wouldn’t be doing them alone.” 

Jamie thought about it for a second before finally saying, “Sure, sounds like it could be a laugh,” Isaac grunted in agreement.

They all spent the night filling out online tests, what started out with Dyslexia and Dyscalculia morphed into Autism tests, ADHD, Am I Gay? Which Disney Princess Are You? and so on and so forth. 

The outcomes were pretty unsurprising; dyslexia ran rampant throughout the team, it often tended to amongst people in more physical professions. Isaac, Jamie and Colin all had dyscalculia, not that it was hard to tell based on how much all three of them struggled with numbers. Jan, Colin, and Bumbercatch were team ‘Tism whilst Jamie was already planning on seeing a psychiatrist about ADHD to name but a few. 

“And here we were thinking Colin was the only neuro-spicey person on the team.” Jamie joked.

“No, you thought, I knew for a fact I wasn’t the only one, I just couldn’t be bothered to diagnose you all.” Colin stuck his tongue out at Jamie, who flipped him off in return. 

Colin saw Keeley walking towards him. Something deep down started to feel a bit fizzy, excitement making itself known. 

“Hey Keeley, fancy seeing you here.” He joked, “Every time we run into each other in the building nowadays there’s always a telly job, what’s it today?” 

“Would I lie to you?” She said.

“I sure hope you wouldn’t.” Knowing full well what she actually meant but he couldn’t resist the opportunity to mess with her. 

She rolled her eyes affectionately, fully aware of what he was doing, “No, they want you to go on the show Would I Lie To You.” 

“What show?”

“Would I lie to you?” 

“I hope not, especially when discussing business.” He had a crooked little smile that meant trouble.

She lightly slapped his arm, “Stop it, I’m trying to work.” But she was laughing, she’d always liked Colin, found him funny and a bit charming. “So you want to go and tell some lies on tv?”

“No thanks.” He said extremely seriously before breaking, “That was a lie! Need to practise if I’m going to be lying on tv.” 

“You dick.” She was smiling, he had such little brother energy, she found it endearing. “You’re actually starting to enjoy these, aren’t you?” 

He shrugged, feigning nonchalance, “Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. But if any more telly gigs come through I’m not saying I’m not interested.” 

He turned and walked into the dressing room, a suspicious look on his face. 

“I had a concussion for two weeks but kept playing football.” Colin read off of the card.

“Okay, care to elaborate?” 

“Roy Kent head butted me on a night out.” 

“And why did he head butt you?” 

“Oh, I was being rude.”

“Alright, so you were being rude on a night out, what exactly were you doing?” 

“Some of us from the team were on a night out and Roy came barging in. See we didn’t think he’d be coming because he’d told us he wouldn’t be. So in he barges and I was a little bit drunk at this point so I got ‘oh it’s Roy, screw him, he’s a grumpy old fart’ and I go over to him and say something a long the lines of ‘I didn’t know this was for old men’ or something, I’ll be honest it all gets a bit blurry from then onwards because he absolutely nutted me, I fully went down to the floor.” 

“Then what happened?” 

“My team mate Isaac had to drag me to A&E to get looked at where they told me I was concussed and that I shouldn’t play football or drink.” 

“But you kept playing football?” 

“And drinking, yeah.” 

“Why?”

“Why not.”

“So do you think it’s the truth or a lie?” 

“Surely no one can be that stupid, it’s got to be a lie.” 

“Iiiiiit’s….. the truth.” 

“What is wrong with you?” 

“Oh, so many things.” 

There was a knock on Keeley’s office door. 

“Come in.” She called. Colin peeked around the door. “Colin!!! Oh my god come in!” 

She jumped up and pulled him into a hug and guided him to the sofa. 

“Fucking hell it’s nice in here.” Colin said, looking around the room. 

“Oh yeah it’s your first time here, isn’t it babe?” He confirmed her statement with a hum, still looking around the room. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“I’ve been thinking-“

“Careful.” She gave him a cheeky wink as he rolled his eyes with a good natured groan. 

“I’ve been thinking,” he tried again, “I’ve been doing all of these shows. Don’t you dare say ‘I told you so’ but I am actually enjoying them.” 

“Knew you would!” 

Colin let out a singular “Ha” unimpressed, before he continued, “So yeah, I might actually like going on comedy panels, and it’s got me thinking… do you think it’d be good for my ‘brand’ or whatever? To like, be a comedian? I mean.” He looked at the ceiling, bounced his legs for a second before looking back at Keeley, “Should I try standup?” 

“It’s funny you ask that.” She said, getting up and walking to her desk and grabbing her iPad. “Look, a lot of channels really like you,” She sat down on the sofa again, “And getting into standup does broaden your horizons with them, but of course it’s not a case of just stepping into Live At The Apollo or getting a special. But what you’re doing now is a good start and a small comedy club reached out on a whim and asked if you’d maybe like to try a set, this was about four months ago and I said that’s not something that we’ve discussed so I couldn’t say anything for certain. But we did have a conversation where it was decided if you wanted to try stand up out we’d let them know and start there. So if this is something you do want to try we can start small and build up.” 

“Oh, right. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I wanted you to come to me first.” 

“Do you think I’m good enough?” Colin asked, sprawled out on Jamie’s bed as his boyfriend brushed his teeth.

“Yeah, I think you’re well funny.” Jamie said, trying to talk around the toothbrush in his mouth. 

“You’ve got to say that because you’re my boyfriend.” Colin lifted his head up so that he was glaring at Jamie. 

Jamie spit out a mouthful of toothpaste and then rinsed his mouth. Once he was done he leaned against the doorframe, watching Colin who’d let his head drop back onto the bed, “I’d never lie to you Col. wouldn’t dream of it.” Jamie crawled onto the bed next to Colin, the other man curling up into his side, “You’re going to fucking smash it, like you do with all the comedy shit.” 

“I’m good at panels, what if I’m not good at solo?” 

“You don’t know if you don’t try mummy always says, and you know she’s always right.” Colin nodded, “It’ll be good for you to try something new.” 

“I’m almost twenty eight Jamie, I shouldn’t need to try new things.” Colin groaned.

“Jesus christs you are a literally child Coli-“

“I’m almost thirt-“

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try new things.” Colin just dug his face into Jamie’s ribs. “You’re the one who wanted to do this, remember?” 

“Past Colin made big mistakes.” 

“No he didn’t, present Colin is just mean to himself.” 

“It’s so weird, right, so I began on the comedy circuit about ten years ago now, back when my day job was ‘footballer’, but I’m thirty seven now and honestly thought I’d be out of the game at thirty, what with my fucked up joints, but I managed to keep going. 

“But I retired a few months ago, which is weird, weird that comedy is now my full time job, what’s even weirder is that my husband still plays. Before we’d get up together, go to training together, train together, come home together, go to bed together. I mean we still do it, I just have to hide amongst the seats at the training ground and hope I don’t get caught. 

“But I miss playing, I do miss playing. But there are some things I don’t miss. I envy every single one of you who hasn’t had to spend longer than a minute in a football dressing room post match, it is a fucking bio-hazard in there, at this point I don’t think even mustard gas could hurt me. 

“But the dressing room is a strange place, lots of strange things go on in there. Look you get a bunch of young men who aren’t typically the brightest in a room together and odd shit can and will ensue.

“Because you’re stupid when you’re young, aren’t you? You do stupid shit. And then you add on the kind of money footballers make and you start to think you’re invincible. So you do stupid shit. It’s so easy to forget that actions have consequences, I definitely forgot that a lot when I was in my twenties, and into my thirties, I forget it now, even. 

“Now I’m not going to lie to you, back in the day I was a massive prick, I did it to impress the cool people around me, ironically I did it to impress the man I’m married to, but this is way before we got together. 

“So I was a prick, and I wasn’t quiet about it. 

“But this would’ve been, what? Twenty twenty? We got a new coach in, Ted Lasso, some of you may have heard of him, American guy who knew fuck all about football came over and coached a premier league team.

"Well I was on that team. And he began building this sense of mutual trust and respect on and off the pitch. This was something I’d never been around before so it was weird, I didn’t really get onboard with it at first. 

“And then one night, me and some of the boys went out, and we had a few drinks, I was feeling rather Merry to put it lightly. When in barges our Captain, guy called Roy Kent, notorious for being really fucking angry all the fucking time. And he storms in and I see him, and I go, ‘well, well, well, here’s Roy, fuck this guy” So I go over to him, being proper laddy. Now I feel like this is a good time to say that I was deep in the closet so when I say I was being proper laddy I mean proper laddy, like ‘I need you all to think I’ve got a gold medal at the shag Olympics, discipline: hetro’ So I am really laying it on thick.

“I go over to Roy and I say ‘Alright Roy, I didn’t know it was a retirement party,’ for reference he was like fourty, for a footballer that is fucking old, so in my defence it fully could’ve been his retirement party. 

“Anyway, I go, ‘alright Roy, I didn’t know this was a retirement party’ and he just fucking head butts me, and I just drop, like a sack of fucking potato’s, like Kermit without the hand up his arse, just… drop.

“And in my last moments of consciousness, slumped on the floor, in my best mates arms I hear the voice of Roy Kent say… ‘I don’t know which one of you I nutted, ‘cause I don’t see too well at night’

“LIKE EXCUSE ME SIR! You very much should know, your fucking eyes don’t matter! There were only three people he could've hit and let me tell you we all have very different, very thick accents. There is no way you’re getting this voice confused with a South Londoner or a Mancunian.

“But then I passed out, next thing I know I’m waiting on the curb for a lift to the hospital. 

“No suprise I was pretty fucking concussed, loads of symptoms, we’re talking nausea, dizziness, I couldn’t stand up properly, my mood was a fucking mess, apparently we were in the A&E waiting room for three hours but I don’t remember a second of it.

“The doctors told me not to drink, told me not to play, but a) fucking love drinking, fuck that I’ve got a gala coming up I'm going to get sloshed! And b) my coach can not know that the Captain gave me a concussion, so I didn’t tell him, which meant I kept playing.

“But I was twenty five, these are the kinds of mistakes you make at twenty five. You live and you learn. Kinda. I lived but I didn’t learn. Well I stopped being a knob but other than that I didn’t learn shit.

“Ha, oh God, you know you’ve really fucked your life up when one of your biggest football idols headbutts you for being a dick, whilst you’re playing on the same team.

“We’re actually really good mates now, I’m the Godfather to both of his kids. It has been made explicitly clear that if his children are ever orphaned I am the person they are going to, no room for arguments, it’s written into both his and his wife’s will, I’ve fucking seen it! But they’ve also left me a really lovely vase that’ll look great in the spare room.”