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It was bad enough, thought Akechi, that what was supposed to be a straightforward graffiti investigation got him sucked into some bizarre Metaverse space with Kurusu and Yoshizawa. Then, the bleeding hearts he was with decided to help the weird mouse girl who teleported them into a sewer with her fetch quest for the three graffiti slabs comprising Guernica’s treasure. And now, he thought grumpily as he fixed his hair yet again, it seemed like falling down a manhole was just going to be the normal mode of transit for this place.
Normally Akechi would be at least a little interested in this new manifestation of the Metaverse, so similar to what he knew but slightly off. It would have been an interesting challenge, figuring out how his spells worked here in a world with different rules. Instead, he had to focus on keeping up his facade of being a devoted member of the Phantom Thieves while Joker seemed to have abandoned all pretenses of being leaderly, instead alternating between needling at Akechi with subtle digs and being a selfless, kind, and supportive senpai to Yoshizawa. Yoshizawa, who it turned out also had a Persona, and a Metaverse outfit that looked like a fucking duo act with Joker’s, and used Bless skills to Joker’s Curse skills like she was the thesis to his antithesis...
OK, he was sulking a little. After Luca called him a hyper-rational bastard, he had retreated to the far edge of the sewer space as quickly as he could without seeming obvious. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him. Akechi was proud of his rationality and intellect. His carefully crafted control meant he didn’t let messy feelings get in the way of his objectives. That brat of a mouse had made it sound like a bad thing, but he was dead certain that she and everyone else would be horrified to see him truly in the grip of emotion.
He was shaken out of his brooding when Joker approached him. Akechi quickly smoothed out his expression. “Are we ready to head out to get the next slab, then?” he asked pleasantly.
“Nah.” Joker casually leaned against the wall next to him.
Akechi waited, but Joker didn’t seem inclined to say anything further. “I see. Was there something you needed?”
Joker shrugged a little and fiddled with his hair. “Normally I’d go to Skull for this, but uh — can we have a little guy talk?”
Akechi blinked. “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘guy talk’,” he said. Though if it was something he engaged in with Sakamoto, it was bound to either be really stupid, or—
“You know, talking about chicks and stuff.”
— or really crude. “Ah.” The last thing Akechi wanted was to hear about Joker’s crush on Yoshizawa, or any of the other girls in his group. But he was trying to be an agreeable team member, for a few more weeks at least. “All right,” he said reluctantly.
Joker flashed him a grin. “Thanks. So Guernica is super hot, yeah?”
Akechi’s eyebrows shot up. That was … not what he expected. “You think that Guernica is attractive?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Joker sighed. “She’s just so … feral. I want her to choke-slam me into the ground.”
“She’s an unhinged madwoman,” Akechi retorted, trying to ignore the shiver down his spine at how absolutely thirsty Joker sounded.
“I know … but I kinda like that? Just all that unbridled rage and passion — I dunno, it just does it for me.”
“Oh. I hadn’t realized.” Akechi really didn’t know what to say to that confession, and Loki cackling in the back of his mind wasn’t helping. “I suppose I assumed you were romantically interested in Yoshizawa-san.”
“Nah … she’s cute, don’t get me wrong, but just … not exactly my type. A little too nice and proper.” Joker shot a sidelong glance over at Akechi. “So Guernica’s whole thing doesn’t really do it for you then, huh?”
Akechi resisted the urge to roll his eyes. And here he had thought Joker was observant. “Well no. I confess I’m not particularly attracted to women in general,” he said airily, watching his rival’s reaction, ready to pounce on any sign of discomfort.
Joker just nodded though, like Akechi had confirmed something for him. “I’m into unhinged madmen too. For the record.”
Loki’s cackling grew louder as Akechi was knocked speechless. Before he had a chance to recover, Joker grinned at him again, clapping him on the shoulder. “Good guy talk,” he said as he left.
“I can crush you all into paste and paint with what’s left!!!”
Of course Guernica and that haughty pink bird found them as soon as they started hunting for the second slab. That was manageable. Akechi could deal with that.
What he couldn’t deal with was overhearing Joker whisper, “Hot,” under his breath. Or the fact that Joker seemed to be fucking flirting with Guernica while they fought.
Joker directed the others to take to the rooftops and pick off the enemies from up high while he went down the middle to face Guernica. Yoshizawa simpered about how selfless and brave senpai was, but Akechi suspected far more base motivations. Especially when Guernica howled, “Die for me!” while she leapt in the air and fired a devastating shot down at Joker from point blank, knocking him to the ground, and he just laughed as he flipped to his feet, gray eyes ablaze with the intensity of his focus on the manic artist. Akechi burned as he imagined that gaze directed at him, Joker’s attention absolutely transfixed on the detective as they danced around each other, the power of their Personas crackling, blades flashing—
“Crow, look out!” Luca shouted too late, as one of the peon enemies knocked him from the roof. He gritted his teeth against the humiliation of being caught out like that in front of his rival, but Joker was not even looking his way. Instead, he was gesturing to Arsène for some flashy move then calling for an all out attack, teeth bared in a show of fire that had Akechi slicing at their foe with particular vitriol.
He pulled Joker aside as they slipped down the maze of back alleys towards the second slab. “Just what was that display about back there?” he hissed.
Joker feigned ignorance. “What do you mean?”
He fought to keep his tone steady. “Your insistence on fighting in close combat with an enemy that strong and taking so many hits. You’re being reckless, leader.”
Joker flashed a sharp smile, eyes fixed on Akechi like he saw right through the detective. “I know what I’m doing, Crow. Besides,” his grin slid into sly territory, “have you seen her fangs? I bet she would be so bitey.”
“Do you really think that now is the best time for more ‘guy talk’?” Akechi huffed, feeling his cheeks heat up under his mask.
Joker chuckled. “Sorry, sorry. I just really want her to step on me and call me trash, you know?”
Akechi bit back a scream. “Just — pull yourself together!” he snapped, unable to keep the frustration from his voice, before stalking off to join the others.
They had already made it to the alley, Luca frantically waving them forward, when Akechi realized Joker had fallen behind the group. Shit, this was bad — Guernica had been right on their heels, and if Joker got caught alone … Akechi wasn’t going to let his plans be derailed because his stupid rival got himself killed because of a stupid crush.
Akechi doubled back, taking cover behind the brick wall as he peered out into the street. Sure enough, there was Joker, and about to leap from the roof to stomp on him was the Palace boss herself. He gripped his mask, calling out to Robin Hood and blasting Guernica with the full force of a vengeful Megidolan, knocking her flat.
“Move!” he shouted at Joker, Joker who didn’t look surprised to have nearly been ground into the pavement by Guernica but instead almost... sheepish?
“For fuck’s sake,” Akechi muttered, hoping Joker didn’t hear the slip as they darted towards the alley. Then again, he wasn’t sure how much he was fooling the other boy at this point, since nearly every other sentence they exchanged provoked a glower. Fuck, he couldn’t wait to get out of this Palace.
Back at the hideout, Joker once again sidled up next to Akechi while Yoshizawa and Luca talked excitedly about digging through trash.
“Oh wonderful, are you here for more ‘guy talk’?” Akechi asked snippily before Joker even opened his mouth.
The other boy shrugged. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he said casually.
“By all means, go ahead. After all, I can’t think of anything more pressing we should discuss than how your sordid fantasies about a psychotic criminal artist are causing you to act irrationally and jeopardize your well-being, impacting the whole team’s chance of survival.”
“I had it under control,” Joker said defensively, fiddling with his hair again and not meeting Akechi’s eyes. “I was only going to let her stomp me a little.”
“Joker, she is trying to murder us,” Akechi snarled, not even trying to hide the incredulous anger in his expression.
“Yeah,” Joker sighed wistfully. “It’s so hot.”
“...Excuse me?” Joker did not just say that, he did not just say—
“You don’t think there’s an inherent eroticism to murder?” Joker asked, finally meeting Akechi’s eyes with an intense stare.
Akechi froze, mind flailing wildly to grasp onto something, anything to say in response to his rival, his intended murder victim , saying to his face that murder was erotic —
“Akechi-san! Senpai!” Yoshizawa’s voice cut across the sewer. “We’re heading out to go dumpster diving!”
Joker broke his gaze. “Last chance to come with us, Akechi,” he said with a wink.
Akechi just gave a strangled laugh. He stood rooted to the spot, watching Joker’s retreating back, and thought about shooting his rival between the eyes with absolutely no erotic subtext whatsoever.
The final fight with Guernica was a brutal slog. The one upside was Joker finally seemed to take this shit more seriously, every inch the competent leader of the legendary Phantom Thieves as he directed the battle instead of a horny teenager with some frankly alarming fetishes. By the time she threw off Jerri’s brainwashing, Akechi’s … concern … over Joker’s taste in crushes had abated enough that he could even sympathize a bit with the graffiti artist. He understood rage, after all, and when the haughty pink bird transformed into its god-like form it was almost satisfying to be fighting side by side with her.
“Wow!” whispered Yoshizawa reverently as Guernica blasted Jerri with her paint gun.
“Yeah...” Joker replied, equally breathless. Akechi ground his teeth.
“Let’s focus on the battle, shall we?” he snapped at his teammates.
“R-right!” said Yoshizawa, blushing furiously. “Sorry Akechi-san! She’s just … wow …!”
The fight couldn’t end soon enough.
While Yoshizawa and Guernica shared what was probably a touching moment about sisterhood, Akechi noticed Joker standing quietly to one side, out of Guernica’s direct line of vision — and absolutely checking her out.
Akechi shifted next to the shameless phantom thief. “You realize she won’t remember this, right?” he muttered.
“Yeah, I know.” Joker sighed, finally tearing his eyes away and meeting Akechi’s gaze. His lips turned up in a sly smirk. “Guess I’ll just have to find a rage-filled murderer closer to home.”
Akechi’s jaw dropped involuntarily. He couldn’t mean what Akechi thought he meant. There was no way he could possibly know —
Joker just winked at him as Guernica called out, “Alright then, I’ll send you all back home!” Akechi’s brain spun furiously. Was Joker onto him? How much did he actually know? Was there any way to salvage this? How could he have possibly found out? Could Joker actually have been seriously implying that he was attracted to his rival?
As the world dissolved around him, there was really only one clear course of action — as soon as they fell back into that alley, Akechi would have to grab Kurusu by the lapels of his hideous Shujin uniform, slam him up against the wall, and kiss him. That was the only way to be sure. He should probably bite him too, for good measure—
Akechi blinked. For some reason, he was in an alleyway with Yoshizawa and Kurusu. He had … been investigating some graffiti? But there wasn’t anything on the wall behind Kurusu. Kurusu, who was looking … good, somehow. So good, Akechi wanted to shove him backwards and suck a mark onto his neck—
He hastily cleared his throat. “Well — I’ll be heading off then!” he said brightly, turning quickly on his heel. He had to focus — only a few more weeks of teaming up with the Phantom Thieves, and his plan would come to fruition. It didn’t matter how attractive Kurusu was — Akechi could not get distracted.
I should challenge him to a duel sometime. Yes. A straightforward fight for dominance, testing each other’s skills. There would be absolutely nothing distracting about that at all.