Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Early May 2008

Bodies everywhere. A mass. Skulls smashed, clothes ripped, blood dripping. Cadavers, for most, could barely be told apart at this point - limbs and organs mixed, stirred, dragged across the floors and the walls and, somehow, the ceilings. A crime of utter violence that took the lives of an almost undeterminable amount of people. There was a multitude of weapons around the room, but all of them were marked of multiple fingerprints. The police considered a fight, but it seemed almost impossible for a room full of, what they estimated to be, ten young adults to engage without regret or fear whatsoever in such slaughter. Only one body was intact enough to be recognized - both legs missing, the man had died of blood loss, agonizing for hours in the remains of others before his final breath. The only other clues found were broken phones, destroyed handbags, smashed glasses and a pearl necklace, tied around the handle of a bloody machete.

Only a few cops had the guts to stay in the crime scene for over a minute. For most, vomiting was an inevitable step of the process. Almost twenty people, policeman, s.w.a.t. and f.b.i. workers, were gathered around the small vacation house. A mountain hiker had discovered the bloodshed when he passed by the home, noticing a stain on the front window. One can only imagine his dread when he came close enough to smell death at it's worse, see carnage through the half open blinds.

It was still left to determine, who and what happened. The idea of an animal attack was completely forgotten the moment the police stepped inside the room. The clues were tight, they had about no leads to go off.

A massacre is all reporters could call this. An act of terror that had everyone hooked up to their televisions, awaiting updates. The only tie medias could make between this crime and a reason so far was rather illogical - twelve months prior to the crime, day per day, a young man by the name of Gon Freecss went missing. The names of the identified victims of the slaughter so far were all names of people who knew the man. It didn't prove anything at all, it didn't even make sense, but theories started emanating almost as soon as the general public was made aware of the facts.

In the days that followed, a woman, owner of the house, came on TV to talk about the crime. She stated that the home was not inhabited, that it was infact a secondary place. She did also explain that the victims were not strangers, she knew each one of those who had been identified, but they indeed broke into the house. Her contribution was short and fruitless, and she cried rivers. The poor soul had lost about all she ever had.

Shortly after, the mother of another victim made herself a new porte-parole. As new deceased were identified, families started speaking up. Desolating speeches of heartbroken families missing pieces of their own.

After a rather long while, the case started to die. No more clues or evidences, no advances at all. The fifth of May grew to be another forgotten tragedy, but the terror it caused never really lifted. It would forever stay carved, a day that marked the nations for the worse. A crisis that left the world breathless even at a point of complete stagnation, and a question that would forever linger:

What type of heartless monster could ever do something like this, and principally to such young people?

Chapter Text

Early 2007

Turning twenty first, in Gon's words, was a largely awaited achievement. A proof of his patience, of his strength, to go through and push past all objectives and barriers life put in his path, and he could say they had been numerous. He was happy, impatient, ecstatic.

It came naturally to his friends that organizing a surprise birthday party was inevitable. In the years that they'd know him, and some had known him forever, they'd never seen him even slightly as excited to celebrate his birthday.

Gon was a huge nature lover. It was clear for Kurapika, one of Gon's dearest friends, who was in charge of organizing the place of the party, that Whale Island was the right answer. Gon lived in York Shin, in his aunt's apartment, but she owned a secondary place in the woods, that was bequeathed by his deceased mother to her. Gon had always wanted to go back. It was the house he'd first lived in, but his studies kept him in the big city. The chalet was tiny and sweet, in the middle of the mountains. It was a quiet and peaceful, isolated place where only a few people ever ventured.

When Kurapika asked, Mito immediately accepted to lend them the house for the night. She trusted Gon, she trusted Kurapika, and she knew every other person that was invited.

Decorating the place was Retz's job. She was Gon's best friend, had been since dear childhood, and she knew his taste best. She also had Zushi's help to carry everything around. They had to empty the living room and redecorate it. It was going to be hard to do in just an afternoon, but that's the least Gon deserved for his special day.

Komugi had to take care of the food. Whether she would rather buy or make it was her choice. After looking through her options, calling a few restaurants and a few bakeries to compare prices, Komugi had settled for cooking and baking herself. That morning, she'd been the first to arrive the chalet and start working, dragging along with her Ikalgo, as she needed an assistant.

Canary was in charge of the surprise. She would drive over to Gon's university and surprise him, pretend to take him out for bubble tea and a movie, and in reality drive him to the airport. Once there, she would tell him that the both of them were going on a friendship celebrating trip, and when they arrived Whale Island, she's just let him try to guess what was really going on, most likely to no avail.

Most importantly, the choice of the gift was up to Gon's boyfriend, Killua. They'd all joined in to pay a part of it, but they trusted Killua to make the final pick. They'd seen it happen before, every single year, Killua blew Gon's mind with an amazing gift. Sometimes, it was purely because it was something really expensive (Killua's family was crazy rich), but most of the time it was just very well thought.

It wasn't really surprising that the gift Killua aimed for was too expensive and rare and peculiar to be found in his surroundings. However, his parents wouldn't let him miss classes to go get it before the party, and therefore he would have to do it all the day of the preparations, which was a rather big issue, because there was a big chance he wouldn't arrive quickly enough.

The crew had decided to start celebrating on the fifth by midnight, right when Gon's special day was to start. Canary was supposed to arrive the chalet by then. Therefore, if Killua left on the fourth, even in the morning, for where he had to go get the gift, he would never be there on time. One or two hours of delay were to be expected.

Meleoron, Anita and Leorio, who all hadn't helped with anything other than financing, proposed to go get the gift for him. They could miss classes if they wanted. But Killua estimated that the stakes were too high: the gift had an enormous value, both costing and rare, and it was extremely important for him to be there in order to make sure it was real and in perfect shape and conditions. Not only that, but the money was in his name, and it was a lot. The seller, if they were real, wouldn't let anyone but the client take the gift. He could absolutely not miss the appointment.

Therefore, the group had to come up with a last minute plan; Gon would be surprised when arriving with Canary to the chalet. It would take a little while until he even noticed Killua was missing, under the effect of excitement and exhaustion of a long Friday of studies and a long travel. If Killua still hadn't arrived when he does realize, they will tell him Killua wasn't allowed to come, but he would call hem to sing "Happy Birthday" and celebrate later. Gon would be a bit sad, but not mad, because he knew how Killua's parents were, and eventually he would get over it. Then, Killua would show up and surprise him, give him his gift. It would be the cherry on top.

Everything was ready, all planned out, and Meleoron and Leorio were still ready to run around in their cars and fix any last minute issue. The group counted every second of meticulous preparation and anxiety-inducing wait until it was finally time.

May 4th, 2007

It was five o'clock, midway through the afternoon. In the little chalet, honor of festivities and happiness were in the air. Outside it was cold, now passed winter still lingering, unusual for the period of the year. Animals hid away and hikers were not to be seen, but inside, it was warm, and loud, and agitated, and lively. In a few hours only, their party would begin, a celebration everyone held to heart and had been working hard on, made for one that was more than just cherished.

Killua was in a plane direction Whale Island. He still had a great amount of hours to go. The gift was in his possession, sitting in his lap and under a blanket, away from the public eye. Kurapika was in charge of keeping him up to date via text message.

Komugi and Ikalgo were done with the cakes and food. They'd prepared soup for everyone to eat before dessert. It was healthy, and it would leave enough space for them to stuff themselves up with sweets.

Retz was setting the final details of the decoration, and by that is meant that Zushi attempted to carry the couch around while she yelled instructions at him from across the room where she sat comfortably, legs crossed, on a sofa. Planning was her job, not executing, she said.

Leorio, Anita and Meleoron were plopped down on the floor in the middle of the room, eating sandwiches, staring blankly at Zushi as he struggled. It was funny to watch.

Canary had warned the group that her phone's battery was dying when she was heading to Gon's university. She wouldn't be able to keep them updated of their position, but she would make sure to follow the right itinerary and arrive by the time they'd arranged, so they had nothing to be worried about.

Everything was in due place and everyone was in time. They still had a lot of things to do, but they had multiple hours to go. Killua had his alibi ready. Everything was set and perfect.

By nine PM, everyone was just goofing around. Meleoron inflated balloons only to deflate them near Retz, who screamed high pitched in disgust. It always startled poor Komugi, who was just trying to fix her hair in the bathroom. Anita was playing just dance on the living room's TV. Ikalgo and Meleoron took turns randomly hitting each other, getting distracted play fighting and wasting ten minutes running around behind each other. In the meantime, Leorio sat on the floor, still, eating a now different sandwich, while Kurapika read on the sofa.

By ten PM, everyone was getting stressed. Canary and Gon were to arrive between eleven and midnight, and they weren't ready at all. Zushi tried to help Meleoron with the balloons while Retz precipitately swiped the floors. Leorio had his car keys in his hand, just in case, as he tried to fix the table that seemed slightly inclined to the right. Komugi was making sure each fork and knife were on the right spot and all cakes were parallel to each other. Ikalgo was cleaning the entrance's carpet, so that Gon could clean his feet before coming in. Anita was making sure the playlists were ready. The only one who seemed rather calm was Kurapika. He didn't really bulge.

By eleven PM, everyone was getting ready. Canary was supposed to arrive at any moment now, and then would finally be the big reveal. Anxiety was in the air, everyone felt a mix of stress and excitement as they ran around like toddlers. All details were fixed, there was nothing to look at even, and yet they found ways to occupy their hands by folding little papers over the dishes, or washing the one spoon that fell on the floor, ending up replaced and abandoned in the kitchen counter.

By midnight, anticipation was at it's peak. Everyone was sitting uncomfortably close in the sofas and couch, just waiting for Gon's beautiful smile to appear by the open door. Their stress could not be appeased, no matter how many beers they drank. Stomachs were itching and mind were racing.

By one AM, the hype was falling. The feelings and caffeine that were keeping everyone up started to go down, and fatigue creeped in. Everyone was laying around the living room, some on the wooden floors, some on the couch, while Retz occupied the two sofas. Kurapika was sitting at the dinning table, reading a book.

By two AM, people were getting annoyed. Canary could only have gotten lost, and they had no way to contact her at all. Meleoron and Zushi stared in defeat at their balloons which, unsuccessfully sealed, started to deflate. Komugi's soup was getting cold. Leorio was hesitating between waiting for them to arrive and starting a new sandwich. Ikalgo was full on sleeping, and despite multiple attempts, Retz and Anita could not keep him awake.

By three AM, people were getting seriously concerned. No news from Canary, and Gon wouldn't answer his phone. Radio silence. Retz was starting to panic and Komugi had to calm her down. Leorio, Anita and Meleoron were outside, waiting for someone to eventually come. They thought maybe Canary was lost, somewhere in the dark bushes near the house. Zushi was starting to consider calling Mito to let her know what was going on. Even Ikalgo had awakened. The cherry on top: Kurapika couldn't warn Killua, whose phone was still on airplane mode from his flight.

When Meleoron saw the moto they had rented for Canary to drive Gon up the mountain approach, the whole group came running outside with a wave of relief. Relief that was however short lived, when only Canary seemed to be on the vehicle. They all went inside together just as soon. It was dark outside, honestly rather creepy.

"What happened?" Ikalgo asked, concerned for his dear friend.

"I don't know." Canary shrugged her shoulders, visibly agitated in the way her voice, usually calm and collected, constantly wavered. "Gon is nowhere to be found." She added.

"What do you mean?" Komugi questioned getting up from her seat.

"Well I went to go get him after his classes. I warned him of a message, which he responded to saying he was on his way." She started. "I saw him in the mass when he arrived outside, then I lost him. After that I waited where I was for him to come. He'd seen me, we made eye contact, he could easily find me. But he never came, and when the mass dissipated, Gon wasn't there anymore."

"He couldn't be far." Zushi contested.

"I can assure you he wasn't there." Canary immediately countered. "Every other student I asked where he was to didn't know either."

"We called him multiple times, but he won't answer." Retz said. She spoke loudly and her voice echoed over the silence of the night.

"We need to warn Mito and public authorities!" Leorio exclaimed.

"And tell them what? That he's missing?" Kurapika asked. "Gon is a grown man, and it's not even been twenty-four hours."

"It's legal to call even if it's not been a day yet." Meleoron responded.

"But they won't take it seriously at all." Kurapika explained his point further.

"Well, we know for sure something is wrong," Leorio started complaining, gesticulating and waving his hands around dramatically, "and we need to do something about it!"

"Do something about what?" A new voice asked.

Everyone turned to look at the entry, from where the voice came. Killua stood there, closing the door before turning to face his friends. He carried a green box in his hands. They had all been so consumed by what was going on, nobody had even noticed he'd arrived.

Killua's smile fell as he looked at his friends' faces, scanning the room for Gon, without success.

"What's up?" He asked, arms lowering to set the gift on the entry table.

The group looked around, avoiding his gaze in silence for a second before exchanging a few stares. Retz cleared her throat.

"Well... Where do I start?"

Chapter Text

5 May 2007

Anita, Ikalgo, Meleoron, Zushi, Komugi, Canary, Kurapika, Leorio, Retz and Killua were sitting in Mito's living room in complete silence. Mito sat across them.

It was eight in the morning, on Gon's birthday. Gon was still nowhere to be found. They'd taken the first plane they could to come back to York Shin, warn Mito and contact local authorities. Whale Island wouldn't do anything about a kid missing across the ocean.

Mito had just woken up. Today she felt sick and didn't leave to work. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands and yawned, before apologizing and sitting up straight.

"What brings you here dears?" She asked looking at the group squished together on the tiny couch. Only Kurapika had decided to stand. "And where's Gon?" She added. Retz motioned her way.

"That's the exact issue." She said. "Gon isn't anywhere."

"What do you mean?" Mito frowned, back raising.

"He won't answer our calls." Ikalgo explained.

"And he wasn't at his school when we went to go get him." Canary added.

"We called the police, but he was last seen in York Shin, so they wouldn't do anything." Meleoron explained. "That's why we came back with the first plane of the morning. Killua bought us emergency first class tickets."

"But we were scared that he might just have been at home, so we decided to come check and warn you first." Kurapika concluded.

"Well you guys did very well to come." Mito smiled, hands raising to hold her head. "Well I haven't seen him at all no, I assumed he was with you." She started getting up, but Leorio stopped her.

"Don't worry auntie, we're taking care of this." He said with a smile. Mito tilted her head.

"Are you sure?" She asked. "Judiciary procedures like that take a while to carry through, and you guys haven't slept yet."

"It's ok, we can manage this." Kurapika confirmed. "We are all sober too."

"If anything, we'll tell them we haven't spoken to you yet and they'll contact you." Anita said, and Mito nodded.

"Alright then." She spoke, getting up. "Take care, and come back to me as soon as you have any news."

It was three PM. All ten friends were sat in the waiting room of the police station when an officer came out to know what they needed. It was already the fifth man they had to explain their situation to in the past few hours. Everytime, each one of them said they weren't qualified and sent them over to a colleague without any context. The group was getting desperate. They hadn't slept and hadn't eaten at all, some were starting to feel faint. Ikalgo was sleeping again.

This time, however, the chef officer, whose name was Kite, seemed to actually be taking them in charge. He got a nurse to bring them each a bit of food and a coffee, before immediately starting interrogations.

Anita was the first to go. She and Gon had known each other for a year only, and really they weren't that close. She was mainly there because she got well along with Ikalgo and Meleoron, who absolutely adored Gon. She told the officer her version of the facts, all that had happened, or all she remembered of it.

Ikalgo and Gon had been friends since highschool when they played together in the basketball team, Gon because his aunt wanted him to, and Ikalgo because that was his dream. He was sporty, rather strong, but very short for his age, and the doctor was pretty sure he was done growing. Ikalgo had naturally grown attached to Gon; having another short guy doing the thing that you want to do with you felt rather empowering, all the more because Gon didn't seem bothered by his height at all. The night had been pretty much a blur to Ikalgo. He didn't remember a lot of it, he almost only remembered waiting still for Gon. He remembered the smiles of everyone and the agitation. Nothing else.

Meleoron had met Gon in highschool one morning, shortly after moving schools, when he arrived late and happened to be lost. Gon had immediately appeared to him as a kind hearted guy with great intentions, and they'd exchanged phone numbers on the spot. Meleoron could talk with precision about his doing of the prior night. He remembered being lost on ecstasy for a while, minding only the fun, before panicking because the clock was ticking, and running everywhere to make sure all details were settled. Then, he remembered staring at the time for three hours, and he remembered the short lived happiness of Canary's arrival.

Zushi met Gon in middle school during a science project. He didn't have many friends at that time and so group works weren't his favorite, but Gon had easily succeeded in making him feel included. His friend group, he owed it to Gon. That's why he'd been so happy to help in the preparations of his party, and that's why he'd put up with Retz's shit without ever complaining.

Komugi wanted to help find her friend. Gon had helped her when she first arrived his middle school. From her handicap, she took longer than other kids to walk around in unknown places. He used his capacity to lead her way. However, when Gon wasn't around, Komugi still couldn't see. Therefore, she really hadn't been able to notice anything unusual in the chalet. All she could do was transcript, of her amazing memory, some of the random, uninteresting conversations they'd had while waiting.

Canary was a key element to the searches. She met Gon at a swimming competition, to which he'd gone to assist a friend. Canary had lost her water bottle, and he'd helped her find a drink quickly, between two rounds. It wasn't the first time since then that she'd gone to pick him up after his classes. She even showed their last conversation to the cop. She told him about how long she waited for him next to the college before her phone completely died. She also told him the names of the students she talked with while searching for him, settling that the last time he'd ever been seen was by the gates. Kite immediately sent his team, constituted of two men and a very buff woman to search for clues near the entry of Gon's university.

Kurapika met Gon when he worked at a bakery where he liked to go take a coffee. They'd bonded over movie adaptations of their favorite books. Gon was an easy-going guy, very nice and extremely easy to talk to. He'd helped Kurapika discover about what would become multiple of his favorite books ever. He would've wanted to give some amazing information to the cops, but really, he didn't know more than his other friends.

Leorio knew Gon from a charity movement they'd both participated to in a hospital where they'd bonded. He considered him to be like the brother he never had. All he could remember that was worth of telling the cops about the night he'd just spent was that, while waiting outside for Canary and Gon to come, he hadn't spotted a living soul. The bushes of Whale Island in the night were an extremely quiet place. If Gon was to try a prank there, he would've failed immediately.

Retz had been Gon's friend her entire life. She'd first met him in primary school, where she'd found him crying behind a tree. He was sad because other kids were making fun of him for not having a father - or parents for that matter. That was the peculiarity of their friendship compared to Gon's relationship with others: Retz was the one to find and help Gon when he was in a fragile position, unlike when he met the others. Obviously, Gon did return the favor, and no matter how many times she moved, they still couldn't help but keep contact and see each other all they could. He was an integrant part of her life, and that is why she'd accepted to travel alone across many countries just to prepare a little party in the woods. Because Gon deserved it. She never thought this is where she'd be today.

Killua was rather silent. He answered to every question with the sole minimum, raising suspicions. Quickly enough, Kite caught onto what was going on. He concluded Killua was simply under the shock of what was going on.

Kite's team was back to the office three hours after the last member of the group was interviewed, and therefore they were now all back to Mitos house. Everyone had eaten some soup. As of right now, most were sleeping on the couch. Retz was sleeping in Gon's bed. Besides her sat Killua. He stared blankly at the ceiling.

When they heard Mito talking to the officer through her phone, turning on her speaker for everyone to wake up, the group ran near her. Kite explained that his team found, near Gon's school, his phone that was fallen on the floor behind a bush. It wasn't broken but had no more battery, and it had only his fingerprints. They'd also found near it a tiny pentagram drawn on the floor, with a number seven written in the middle. Upon analyzing it, Biscuit Krueger, their Crime Scene Investigator, traced back up to the seventh member of a group known for multiple kidnappings, named the Phantom Troupe.

After inspecting the symbol further, Bisky (as she liked to be called) concluded that there were basically three options to their situation: the first and preferred outcome was that this was a bad taste joke from Gon (which, in his friend's words, was impossible, because "Gon is too sweet to think of hurting someone's feelings as a joke"). Second option, whoever took Gon left this mark as a fake clue for the police to get confused over, or just trying to use the group's name to be feared. Or lastsy, and most likely, Gon really had been taken by the notorious entity that was the Phantom Troupe, and he was somewhere out there, alive, but being prepared, alongside other young men and women, for the violent world of human trafficking.

Chapter Text

June - July 2007

It had already been some time since Gon went missing. Police said only 3% of adult are still missing after a week. Gon passed that line a while ago. Active searches have taken end. If he passed a month, a line which only 1% of missing adults ever crossed, they would consider his chances of being found alive to be almost none.

Everybody had let the information sink in, slowly and painfully, that they probably would not see Gon again. Mito took a break from work, she wasn't back yet. The friend group had tried to keep contact with her but she needed some time to be alone. Ikalgo, Leorio and Meleoron were extremely invested in the searches. It was their own productive way of coping. Canary regularly drove them around, asking random people in the streets about Gon's whereabouts. Kurapika was more into trying to understand what was happening based on clues and testimonials, as well as making searches about the Phantom Troupe. Komugi felt horribly useless, unable to help on the search for most. Zushi, who had great contact with a few of Gon's school friends, did all he could to gain new informations from them, or at least keep them updated.

Overall, that being in their friend group or in Gon's family, there was an omnipresent general feel of culpability. Everyone as a whole couldn't help but feel guilty, because they could've prevented it. They all could've done something, anything, and Gon would still be here.

The one that was doing the worst, above any other, was definitely Retz. Her world had pretty much fallen apart right in front of her eyes, so much that she didn't even try to hold it together. The person she was a few days ago was foreshadowed of constant pain and agitation. She wasn't going to school anymore and she'd cut contact with most of the group - she said she needed some time, and people respected her wish. In the end, she was doing so poorly that even she came to face it, and seek help of professionals for herself.

Killua, on the other hand, was doing pretty much alright. He lived his life as usual, kept his ongoing conversations with the group and texted his boyfriend every night. At first, people thought it was a great sign of strength and a fine way of coping. They thought Killua was keeping face and composure to bring others up.

As it went, and seeing that he really didn't seem bothered by Gon's disappearance, Anita and Leorio, hot headed, started getting genuinely mad at him for being so untouched. They screamed some rather unnecessary thoughts at him. Told him how he was a bad boyfriend and how he never deserved Gon. Retz eventually joined in. She was so hurt, so depressed of recent events that she couldn't understand the way Killua was dealing with the situation. It all raised voices amongst the group, began a large conflict, set fire to the table, which, soon enough, had the group split in two sides: the ones who defended, and the ones who attacked Killua's cause. Both sides no longer interacted with each other.

Killua stayed passif all the way through. As if unanimated, his thoughts and life stayed untouched. He even found himself texting Retz by moments. She eventually blocked him, and he was confused as to why. He decided to ask Gon of a text message.

His closest friends, like Kurapika and Ikalgo, they knew better than all of it. That is none of who Killua was, none of who he'd ever been, and they were starting to get genuinely concerned. They were the ones to first voice their concern about his state, share their opinion with Killua, who told them they were crazy. Therefore, they talked to his family, who did nothing but tell them Killua was simply better and stronger, and Gon was just a phase anyways. Unfortunately for Killua's parents, Kurapika's speech eventually reached the ears of Killua's younger siblings. They were the ones to convince him of seeking help in therapy. He did, without really knowing why.

Now sitting in front of his therapist, he couldn't help but think he was wasting precious time he could spend doing other things, like texting Gon for example.

Killua's psychiatrist, named Cheadle, said grief manifests itself in five diverse stages. Each have their perks and their flaws, when it comes to helping through loss. Killua asked her what grief she was talking about. Why would grief be related to his problems?

Instead of answering, the woman frowned, turning down to write something, before smiling up at him. Killua shrieked.

Thinking back and putting things into perspective was something Killua had stopped doing without even thinking of it, or noticing it at all. He lived solely in the present, he never thought back to past or further into future, and therefore had no memories of anything. His every step was a blur, but he wouldn't realize it because his thoughts were not consistent or structured. He was living in a sort of dream like state, and only his therapist could really understand how and why.

Things took a sharp turn by the end of July. It was a Saturday afternoon like most of the ones he'd known before. Killua was sitting on the couch while Alluka played games nearby and Kalluto made origamis. He was scrolling through his phone.

Eventually, Alluka, bored of her activities, turned to look at him. She started talking about how some things annoyed her, and then went on about what compensations she found, then, she randomly cut short to the monologue, and stared at Killua.

Bothered by the sudden silence, Kalluto looked up from his paper swan. He gazed back and forth between his siblings for a second, he recognized the pain and frustration in Alluka's eyes. It's pretty much all she'd been telling him about - how Killua felt so empty of thoughts and emotions lately, almost as if he didn't even exist anymore.

Suddenly she started crying, and Killua frowned, getting up from the couch and asking her what was going on. When her eyes, watery and desperate, met his own, her sadness turned into mere anger, and she started yelling. Violent words, like she never had before.

Kalluto was the first to get up but, intimidated, he didn't do anything to stop her. Nanika followed shortly after, came out of her room running, to help, as soon as she heard her sister's saturated voice. She was able to successfully calm down Alluka, almost magically, after numerous minutes of desperate attempts. In the end, she had to forcefully bring her to her room.

Kalluto understood where Alluka was coming from. It had been two full months since Gon's disappearance. They didn't expect him to be over it yet, but they expected him to at least exist. Principally now that he saw a therapist almost everyday.

When Kalluto left after one last hug to his older brother, everything was the same as before. The whole time, Killua had stayed of marble, almost like when Retz and the others screamed at him, and he hadn't really heard anything his sister said. That is, except for three words - "Gon is dead."

He does not know in what context she said it. He does not know what came before or after. But it was enough to trigger something in him. Something that kept him awake all night.

The moon, who shone of it's dim light through Killua's open window, was the only testimony of his tears that night. It was there, at that exact moment that, more than two months after the facts, he finally realized Gon was missing.

His next rendezvous with his therapist would be brutally different.

Chapter Text

August - September 2007

When Killua came back home from his newest rendezvous, a few days after his fight with Alluka, with a paper from Cheadle demanding his parents allow him to go through tests and be diagnosed, the ambient and the thoughts of everyone radically changed.

Alluka realized her mistake pretty quickly, and it's with Kalluto's help that she went to Killua's room to apologize. He opener his door, listened to what she had to say and, eventually, accepted her apology, even if he seemed rather frustrated. The two of them stopped really getting along like before at that moment. To Alluka, it felt even worse than the state he was in before, and she cried in her little brother and Nanika's company.

When the news of Killua's situation crossed Retz's ears, she felt like trash. She'd been too quick to say things, make assumptions, and she'd hurt a friend who needed everything but that at the moment. Mad of her own behavior, she rushed over to Killua's home to apologize, which he accepted gratefully, even tho he couldn't remember her ever being mad at him. Anita did the same thing as Retz, even if more reluctantly. Killua accepted her apology as well. He didn't really know what else to say.

It took a little while before Kurapika, Komugi and the rest of the people who stood by Killua's side were made aware of the reconciliation. When it happened, they all accepted to take people back and become just who they were before anything ever happened. It felt great for everyone to find that comfort again, but something, someone, was always lacking to the call, and the gameboard nights felt empty.

To add to the matter, Leorio, stubborn as he was, refused to change his mind on Killua's behavior. He stayed on his words and mind, never really apologized and barely spoke to him. Because of that, as well as the newfound fragile stability of the friendship, the atmosphere in the group was a bit shady, but people could get past that. Principally Killua, who seemed to remain completely unaware of Leorio's side eyeing.

In the end of the month of August, Killua's first diagnosis came, happening to be post traumatic amnesia. Throughout June and July, Killua had been in a state of utter shock, a sort of englobed denial. He could not remember any of it. Even after being told that post traumatic memory loss could be treated in most cases and in a short period of time, he decided to not follow through: he spent as little time with his therapist as possible, refusing any extra sessions.

In fact, after his fight with Alluka, the inactive and unreactive personality Killua had been harboring lately had suddenly shifted.

Killua was tall and well built. On every field, he was much stronger than the large majority of the people around him. Even if it wasn't his first intent to scare people, it naturally happened, and when he was mad, nobody got in Killua's way. Therefore, he imposed himself upon everyone and everything, and he easily got away with whatever he wanted.

The thing being, all of that was never a problem before, because even if rather assertive, Killua had never been violent. He was extremely calm and patient, principally after meeting Gon. This conversation with his sister, like a flip of a switch, changed him in every aspect and sent his anger from zero to a hundred. This new behavior expressed itself merely aggressively, much to everyone's dismay. It gave a disturbing switch to the narrative of his story.

His mother found a sense of relief in it. Killua had lost much of what made him a Zoldyck after he started frequenting Gon. This conduct, what she liked to call a "proper display of force and powerfulness", was rather satisfying.

Silva, on the other hand, found his son was going too far, and feared he was letting power get to his head - convinced this had nothing to do with Gon, but solely what he imagined to be Killua's recent realization of his fortune and position.

Illumi was affirmative to the thought that Killua always was aware of what he held in his hands and what being a Zoldyck entailed. He was convinced his sudden change in personality was related to something else, and that his hot headedness would not profit to the family. However, because of his deficit of arguments, Illumi did not comment.

His siblings and friends, mainly, were worried. Killua treated everyone like trash. They'd sometimes get screamed at or ignored, eventually blamed for it, grow mad at him, and only to forgive him for it all after catching him staring at a wall in obvious pain. Killua was extremely unhappy, and everything and everyone around him was the problem, but himself.

Alluka usually knew just how to calm her brother down, but with their recent relationship, she couldn't do anything. Kalluto was always shy and scared to share the way he felt, he was also always intimidated by Killua. Nanika was definitely not in the right place to talk about anger issues.

His friends feared they'd push the buttons too far if ever they tried to help. Retz more than any other was unconditionally forgiving of his mistakes. She covered him whenever he broke or messed with something, and she simply did whatever he wanted to try and keep him calm.

Everyone else was growing more and more frustrated, but nobody spoke out, scared of commiting the same errors as before.

The searches for Gon by his friends hadn't died, and they even served as a way to glue the group together. Kurapika, Leorio and Retz were all particularly invested. Alluka tried to help, but only to make up for what she said.

Gon had been missing for almost four months. Medias talked about him still, in the past tense now. They referred to him as the Phantom Troupe's fourth victim of the year, associating his existence with theirs, reducing it to a number. It messed with Killua's feelings.

One weekend by the end September, the group was hanging out at Retz's place. Pretty much everyone was here, smiles plastered on their faces. Most were talking, while Anita and Canary played a game of Mario Kart on the Retz's brand new Wii (they'd accidentally broken the last one while fighting over which game they should be playing, a few months ago). Killua was listening to them, toying with the pearl necklace Gon had given him for his nineteenth birthday while eating candy. Ikalgo and Komugi couldn't make it, because they had to work the afternoon.

It had been a month since the end of summer vacation, and they were all excited about the upcoming Christmas holidays and the beginning of a new year. They discussed excitedly their plans for the celebrations, sat around Retz's bed.

Eventually, Komugi's birthday, which was in the beginning of November, came to the conversation. It seemed obvious to Retz that they needed to organize a little party for her, if anything, at her house. Even if hesitant at first, the others joined in on the idea, and the conversed their plans lowly, almost as if ashamed. Killua sat silently. His hand stopped moving around the pearls on his neck.

When they went downstairs to go order pizza, Killua rushed out of the house and went back home.

The rest of the night was disagreeable. The air was thick, the atmosphere unpleasant, things were dense. Late, when the moon was at it's peak in the skies, it happened again, and people thought some more. Kurapika was extremely upset. He'd expected better from Killua. He'd expected to be treated decently, by one who was supposedly a friend. Canary knew Killua since their early childhood, her parents, Zoldyck affiliates. She also felt regretful, but unlike Kurapika, she was more sad than mad. Leorio took Kurapika's side, somewhere happy they were finally speaking out on it all. Meleoron thought that they were being harsh, that they should cut him some slack. Leorio said he only thought that because he wasn't the one being yelled at, to which Meleoron responded by saying Killua wasn't yelling at anyone but had simply left. Anita was sat on the bed uncomfortably. Her thoughts wavered, influenced as the conversation went, but she tended to agree with Meleoron more. Her cause wasn't really defined. Zushi's opinion stayed unclear, as he appeared to be mad and just using the occasion to go against everyone. Meanwhile, Retz tried to calm everyone down, but they wouldn't listen.

Eventually, people started leaving the house, slowly, one by one. The group had had fights before, worse than this. None of them scared Retz so much.

She stared through her window into the dead of the night. Friends gone, TV off, skies dark, she felt empty. There was only a person she would've wanted to see right now, and it's the very person she's accepted to never see again.

Chapter Text

October - November - December 2007

The smiles, the peace, the songs, the costumes, the gifts, and the infamous white coating of winter floors, the flowers of cold and the birth of a new season. Halloween and Christmas, two holidays formed of religious beliefs that nobody seemed to completely escape. Cable television was the place to hear from it, principally Christmas, the overly praised money raid of a vacation. Impatient, people spoke about it as soon as summer reached it's end.

A man spoke at a local market. He explained how he'd lived in misery, born of a poor mother and with no father in sight. He said his life was saved by the Lord, oh dear Lord, who went out of his way to offer him shelter through winter celebration. He'd been making a living of selling handmade clothes and decorations at Halloween and Christmas markets for the last ten years of his life. He had a house, a wife and a daughter, and he was cured of the tuberculosis he'd suffered of most of his life. He thanked his Lord again, smile brighter than the skies, brighter than the sun reflecting waters.

Killua was sat in front of his bedroom TV, covers on his body, snow outside his window. He watched the man speak, safe and sound, of his past experiences. "The Lord is the key to a happy family and the avoidance of a heart wrenching catastrophe, any that it could be. The Lord can save, and take back the mistakes.", the man assured.

It started rather innocently. He bought a compact version of the bible by the beginning of October, read it all in the following month, took a few notes. It was rather interesting, he said, when Kalluto caught him at it. He said it felt like a very long and ancient telenovela. His brother nodded, amused, shrugged it off, left.

Reading this book felt just like he'd expected. Basically every aspect of it was a direct insult to his life style and personality, but Killua couldn't care less. Maybe, just maybe, he could find a way to bring Gon back.

His parents didn't mind, and his friends saw in it a demonstration of faith. They encouraged him to pursue. Killua felt desperate for any sort of reassurance.

Later, in early November, Killua decided to visit a church and talk to the priest. He wanted to have a better idea of what was to be done, he wanted to know how to have all the odds in his favor.

The man allowed Killua in, a Sunday after the end of a daily Catholic Mass. He was short and rather chubby, very old, and his hair was gray. His eye stared at the children running out of the church, before turning to look up at Killua and invite him in his office.

His chair was royal and the place was large, almost out of character for a tiny local church unknown to the popular eye, and that was reputed for it's poor installations. Killua didn't think much of it as he sat on a wood bench across the man.

"How can I help you today my child." The man asked and Killua stiffened up, as he often did.

"I'd like some advice."

He stayed in there for about an hour, first asking how to be a great man, vaguely explaining how a person he really cared for was gone and he would do anything to make sure his faith could bring him back. The priest helped as much as he could, and finished the session of a sermon.

By the end of his sermon, the preacher accompanied Killua out with a smile, and let him leave with a tender tap on the back.

Killua thought about the things he'd heard and every comment he'd abstained of making, all the things he never came to encounter or wasn't able to interpret and recognize when he read the bible. He definitely had a lot of work to get down on, but well, anything for Gon.

He started frequenting church every weekend, decided to be as nice of a man as he could to everyone around him. He worked for charities and helped kids at school. Finally, to the priest's advice, Killua quit smoking and drinking, much to everyone's positive surprise, and extremely quickly at that. He loosely remembered Gon asking him to quit, saying it was bad for him, quickly giving up, sometimes even getting a bit frustrated over it. Killua promised he would quit a few times, but never followed through. It was the only promise he'd ever made that he didn't hold up to, so today, he made up for it. He felt connected to his lover a bit more, despite the circumstances.

By the end of November, unsatisfied, Killua decided to go back to church. The priest asked him how everything was doing, and he said it was alright, but the person he loved still wasn't back. Sparkled of curiosity, the priest shifted on his chair to hold his chin. He asked Killua who exactly he was trying to take back. He sat there, in surprise, upon hearing Killua's story. He'd assumed Killua was talking about a breakup when he said he 'lost someone', not a kidnapping.

The priest explained that, perhaps, Gon had done something very wrong in his living because of which God refused to help him. He added that, in order to solve a crisis of that extent, a much larger faith would be needed. The man assured notably that he would really have to step into it.

And step into it Killua did.

He felt furious at first that the priest had the nerves to insinuate Gon was not perfect, but after reflexion, Killua concluded that he maybe wasn't. Therefore, there was a chance the Lord would only want Gon back if Killua paid for his misbehaving, by following every piece of advice he was ever given.

One of the many advices the priest first gave Killua, but he'd initially decided to ignore, deeming it useless, was to be surrounded of good faith Christians only. It was a large step to take, but Killua left his house the next day to stay at a hotel, without so much as a goodbye.

His younger sister, with whom he still hadn't had a proper conversation since their fight, broke into tears at the assumption that her brother was leaving because of her. Her other siblings assured her it wasn't the case, but it's not like Killua would answer the phone to confirm that.

Killua's friends were quick to contact him once they were made aware of the news. Worried for Killua's safety, they called him again and again, but to no avail. Finally, Anita gave it a shot, and much to everyone's surprise, they were finally given an answer. Anita was, indeed, a Christian, and Killua knew it.

The argument was rather heated, even if Killua kept his calm. Everyone screamed behind Anita, speaking over each other at first, before Killua menaced of hanging up and not answering again.

When Killua told his friends his motives, they all sat in silence. Nobody answer, nobody knew just what to say. Could they really criticize it? It was a choice that some people made. The only thing they really could criticize was the way Killua went on about it. And therefore, Leorio did.

Killua called him out, stating that, religion wise, he had been a bad influence for Gon, and therefore probably one of the reasons he was taken in the first place. The room went silent again, at the bold accusations.

Turn by turn, Killua accused everyone, himself included, of unconsciously partaking in Gon's disappearance. He named Canary, who shouldn't have bought alcohol for their party, Ikalgo, whose playlist wasn't very respectful. Their gift, that they'd spent so much money on (which, in his opinion, made them all materialistic) and how therefore anything that ever happened was their fault, and he was just trying to make up for everyone's mistakes. He went on.

Zushi was the first one to react, interrupt Killua's babbling. His jaw clenched and he countered, told him how ridiculous he sounded, but as if back to June, Killua stayed completely silent and untouched. Kurapika was next, adding a new layer, but soon enough interrupted by Ikalgo, who asked them to tone it down. In disbelief, Leorio turned his way, told him to shut up, to which Meleoron responded violently, asking him who he thought he was.

Insults flew left and right as Retz tried to calm everyone down, begging for silence. Anita turned her way, accusing her of being overindulgent of Killua's bullshit just for him to forgive her for her initial behavior. Frustrated but incapable of debunking the claim, Retz started crying.

Killua hung up on the phone as the others kept yelling at each other, the silence of his hotel room engulfed him and emptied his mind. He'd probably ruined his year lasting friendships in the last months, he couldn't care less at the moment. Anything for Gon.

Killua read the bible again and again, just to find he was doing everything perfectly the way he was supposed to. The priest said the same, agreed that he held up to promise. There was nothing in his way, nothing at all. Why wasn't Gon back yet? He needed to know.

December was reaching it's end and everyone was leaving for Christmas, he needed to visit the priest before he left, in case he left. So he did. He packed up his things from the hotel, put them in his bag and took it. He would have to renew his rental.

"How can I help you today my child?" The man asked and Killua stiffened up, again, as he often did.

"Why isn't anything working?" He asked, voice cracking. He was getting tired.

"Patience is the key." The priest said, and Killua nodded understandably.

"I know." He responded. "But it seen so long, and not even a clue has been found yet."

"You need to trust the Lord. Have faith." The man assured. "You've made a lot of progress. It's quite impressive, for such a young man." Killua sighed, looking at his feet in deception. The priest switched his position to hold his chin, spiked of curiosity again. "Tell me, child." Killua raised his head.

"Yes father?" He asked.

"Who was- is the boy you're waiting for?" He questioned, correcting his formulation midway through his sentence.

"Gon Freecss." Killua said, to which the priest nodded, encouraging him to say more. "He is my boyfriend."

There was a moment of silence, while Killua waited for the priest to add something, anything, but nothing seemed to come. The priest shrugged his shoulders, switching to rest against the back of his chair. His look upon Killua changed weirdly.

"Well, I think we found the sin that has gotten your friend taken away." He said.

Killua stepped into his house, walked across the living room, under his younger siblings' shocked gaze. They turned to each other, before turning back to Killua, in complete awe. The Christmas tree shone brightly in the corner of the room, their Mario Kart game was left unpaused.

He entered his room in complete silence, bag still on his back. He closed the door, turned to his bed.

Killua sighed, looking through his window. A picture of Gon on the tree in front of it, a number to call. He'd received a few calls. None of them happened to be from someone who'd genuinely seen his boyfriend. He'd been missing for seven months now.

He and the others, Gon's friends, family and the authorities, had done so much for this search to go well. So much. And he supposedly owed all tiny success to a God. He'd accepted that much easily. He didn't need to think he was doing the great thing, as long as it worked, he didn't mind.

All of the praising and all of the believing, all of his time and hope, just for nothing. Maybe it was too late, maybe he didn't deserve help. All just because the deepest, most endearing love he'd ever felt was for a man.

He rolled his eyes, throwing his bag on the bedroom floor, turning to lay flat on his bed. He knew this wouldn't work, didn't he? He'd expected it not to at the very least, but he'd grown faith. He felt crushed. Anything for Gon.

Chapter Text

December 2007 - January 2008

Killua's parents were informed of his return home about an hour after the facts, by one of their numerous butlers. They were across the world for business, and immediately turned around to come back. The four siblings still at home were locked in the mansion, unable to leave until the parents arrived. The butlers were aware, in lockdown formation, blocking each and every escape with more attention and technique than ever. None of the four brothers and sisters cared, tho. None of them had any intents of leaving the place.

Killua didn't move the entire afternoon, night and the next morning, laying on his stomach, sheets wet and face of dried tears. He would've kept procrastinating in despair had a butler not entered his bedroom to announce his parents' return and how they wanted him dressed up for lunch together. It's not like he wanted to do it, but it's not like he had the strength to fight back right now.

Everyone sat in complete silence, fancy dresses, ties and expensive suits on. The sound of each knife against the plates, each cup against the table and each teeth against another filled the room in the most anxiety inducing of ways, not that the Zoldycks were unused to it. Killua didn't eat, but nobody made any comments. His hair wasn't brushed, his face wasn't washed and his clothes were only formal because he'd been forced into them.

"Where were you?" Silva asked, eyes neutral as he stared down at his plate. Killua looked up at him, just as emotionless.

"At a nearby hotel." He admitted.

"Why?" His mother swooped in, much more emotional.

"He needed a pause." Alluka tried to explain, but her words were ignored.

"Why?" His mother repeated.

Killua sighed, looking at his plate for a half second, collecting his thoughts, before looking back up. "I don't really know." He settled for answering.

"Why would you do something that has no objective behind?" His father questioned. "That's not the Killua that has been raised in this house."

Killua's teeth grinded, his jaw clenching, and his tongue, bit hard enough to bleed. He was not raised in that house. He was tortured.

"I don't know." He settled for saying.

"That's pathetic." His father answered. "Do not let that happen again."

Alluka frowned, setting down her fork gently. "Don't be so mean." She pleaded. "He's-"

Before she was able to finish her sentence, she was cut off by her father, hitting the bottom of his knife against the table. It was just a silent tap, but she knew what it meant all too well. Alluka was always one to over share growing up. This was her sign to shut up, before it was too late to redeem. She lowered her head, silently swallowing her tears. Nanika spared a glance her way, before returning to her own plate without so much as a gesture of comfort. She was not in the state of mind.

Silva and Kikyo had had enough, and this conversation was the ultimate proof they needed. To their minds, the problem Killua had was actually being told he even had one to begin with, when he was perfectly alright. Therefore, they decided to cut out Killua's rendezvous with Cheadle, from six a week to none at all. Alluka screamed, cried, begged them not to. She says Cheadle was their only chance, if they stop it all so suddenly, there will be nothing left of her brother. But they did not listen: they had a reputation and a business to protect. They said Alluka was overreacting to their decision. They said Alluka was overreacting to her brother's state. They said Killua was overreacting to the whole situation. She was sent to her room.

Nanika snapped as well, seeing red of her recurring violence. She was forcefully brought back to, what she liked to call, the dungeon (which was simply her room), by five butlers when she tried to stab her father yet again. She would have a meeting with Illumi later on, which only caused Alluka, who was still walking away, to cry more.

Killua stayed sat there throughout the whole situation, watching his little brother trying to calm down his breath and heartbeat across the table. He did his best not to cry, not to sob, not to flinch, not to throw up or run away, and just sit and eat. Even Milluki had left to his room, but Kalluto still succeeded to keep his parents satisfied. He'd do all he could to please, always. Killua saw himself in the kid like in a mirror, even tho by his age, Killua had already begun to somewhat rebel.

Killua was sent to have a conversation with Illumi after the meal was over.

It went as any conversation with Illumi ever goes. It starts with the innocent questions and the torturous looks. Then begins the degrading. Causing humiliation to his siblings, and principally Killua, seemed to be Illumi's favorite part of the process. Now that the emotional pain was over (mostly), it was time to get physical with a bit of waterboarding. A fun little activity Illumi loved to begin, as, in his words, it had more impact that way. He forced thoughts down Killua's throat, whispering them by his ears, sending information that his barely conscious body would keep to analyze later. Then, eventually, when Killua was left with no more force to fight back or even attempt to lift his head, let alone leave, a butler took the spot and kept going for about ten minutes. Ten minutes, longer than about any hour, or day, or week ever. And he was twenty one.

"You know Gon will never be back, right?" Illumi had asked.

"Yes." Killua answered without hesitation, even tho he hadn't been incited to yet. He thought about it over and over that night, on the floor, where he slept.

When January came and Killua was sent back to school, his grades fell to the ground. His parents, extremely concerned, had resorted to Illumi almost immediately, but it had served no purpose. Despite his promises, despite his fear, despite his terror and all near death experiences, Killua found no motivation to work.

He stoped dressing up like he loved to. It'd been hard recently, but this was a far higher level of I-don't-care-anymore. He barely ever got out of bed, he refused to wear formal clothes to dinner. Nothing seemed to ever force him to get back on track. Nothing. Ever.

His parents grew desperate. They didn't know what to do. His younger siblings were worried, but they'd lost all touch with him, and they didn't know how to help.

All Killua did all day was sit on his ass and cry. What about? He didn't even know anymore. Anything. Literally anything that could even frustrate him the tiniest amount. He wasn't like this, he never had been. He never cried. Why now?

Eventually, he stopped cleaning his room. Then eventually, he stopped training. Then eventually, he stopped eating. Then eventually, he stopped shaving his face. Then eventually, his showers turned into body washes. Then eventually, his body washes turned into simply letting water go down his body as he stood there, immobile, without the strength of cleaning himself up. He'd grown embarrassed of his situation, and he wouldn't let anyone inside his room or near him anymore. There was no way the word would spread about this, and there was no going back, because he wasn't motivated to go back. He just needed to keep it secret. But he knew it, and it was enough for at least one person to hate him (even more than before) for it.

He'd lost all interest in about everything, the search for Gon included. He no longer believe Gon could be found, he just stared distantly into his picture for hours. The pearls on his neck felt heavy, dragged him down, towards hell, where he surely deserved to reside.

One freezing, Saturday morning as Killua tried to sleep, or sink into his mattress and die, both would do, impulsive thoughts kicked in. He got up, threw on a pair of socks, and walked in his shorts and tank top into the cold city. He told the butlers he was going for a walk.

The cold wind bit his skin, almost as if it was burning. He walked into a hotel. It was five in the morning and the attendance was empty. He made his way, silently, to the staircase.

His body hurt with every movement, lacking blood, and his arms, poorly patched up, itched. His legs, unused to the movement, ached as he walked up the stairs, more and more with each step.

It was even colder once he reached the rooftop. So cold that the pain wasn't even as satisfying anymore. It was just numbing.

The view into the city from there was pretty impressive. Even tho most buildings around him were still much higher than the one he stood upon, the floor still felt very, very far away. Was it ten or twenty stories? He couldn't remember.

One foot behind the other, he tried to figure which was the best way to go out. It's not like anyone could see him, but he'd wanted his own lights to turn off on a great scene. But well, the only light in his life had faded seven months ago anyways.

Face neutral and head empty, Killua's limp body fell forwards like a ragdoll.

Chapter Text

February - March 2008

The beeping, the agitation, the white noise in his ears, it was almost comical how cliche Killua's awakening was. Nurses and doctors ran around, frenetically, and the only thought his brain could process was the why to their behavior: simply that his heart was beating abnormally fast. He could hear it, feel it. It was all over the place. But he felt alright. His view turned black for a second, and then he blinked, awakening, looking around him.

He wasn't even that surprised, he didn't feel like he was dead. The darkness he'd been seeing was nothing like the real closure he was expecting from a final breath. For a few seconds, he'd felt incredibly close to Gon, but eventually he faded back into a semi awaken sense. A part of him was relieved, another, annoyed.

"Mr Zoldyck," a nurse began, grabbing his hand, "can you speak?" Killua's ears buzzed like her voice was being blasted through a cheap speaker.

His face scrunched in a mix of discomfort and annoyance. He didn't like how close she was, he didn't like the way she held his hand and he certainly didn't like being called Mr Zoldyck.

"Mr Zoldyck?" The nurse repeated. "Can you at least give me some sign, like squeezing my hand?"

Killua sighed. She might've been making him uncomfortable, but she was doing nothing more than her job. He gathered strength to speak, loud enough for her to hear him over her coworkers.

"I can do both." He assured, weakly closing his fingers around the woman's. The nurse smiled. He twisted in discomfort, his breathing disturbed by a nose cast.

"Awesome!" She got up from her crouched position, made her way to a nearby table and ticked a case on a list.

It took about an hour for the doctors to finish running every necessary test on Killua, to make sure he was alright and everything in his body was functional. It turns out that Killua's body had been injured a rather important amount in his fall, and that the clinic had decided the best decision was to induce a coma, for him to not suffer through the first days, the surgeries and the medicating.

In the end, he'd slept two weeks. Today, they'd finally decided he should be doing well enough to be woken up, but the process of reducing the medication he was on happened to be tricky, and the team was stressed. His family was waiting outside to see him.

When said family came in, Killua tried to look their way and greet them. Only then did he notice his body was sore, hurting everywhere. He could not move as well as usual, or he could if he really tried, but it ached.

His parents looked his way as if they wanted to say something, as if they really did, but the nurses were there, and a doctor too. It seemed whatever was on their tongues would need to wait, unless they were willing to share with the outside world. They apparently weren't, because they soon walked out of the room.

Alluka seemed abnormally agitated. She cried hot tears, her body moved as if it was spasming and her expressions stayed indecipherable, mixed, slurred, wavering and almost unsure. Nanika was just as cold as usual. The only emotion a person could ever point out on her face was madness, the rest of them only happened internally. Kalluto was crying, but in his case, it was very easy to figure out relief. He was the first one to actually step closer to Killua and grab his hand. Killua didn't mind. Milluki was just standing there awkwardly. He looked through the window and at the floor, everywhere but at his brother. Killua didn't take it personally. That's the way they'd been raised after all.

Illumi certainly had some things to say as well. It seemed however that his eyes over shared enough, because eventually, the nurses decided to get him out.

Once left alone, the five youngest Zoldycks stood in silence. A nurse supervised in the corner of the room.

"Are you okay?" Kalluto whispered as if he would hurt Killua by just speaking normally. Killua raised his left arm, letting go of Kalluto's hand to pat his head comfortingly. He nodded, but his brother didn't seem convinced.

Alluka's sobs became louder and her body more agitated, as if things clicked together in her mind. She muttered out incoherent sentences, and, lurking in her sister's shadows like a hunting beast, Nanika prepared to intervene if things went south.

"Why would you do that to me? Why would you want to die?" She finally yelled after numerous seconds of whining, and Nanika grabbed her arm to drag her out of the room. Killua was not expected to answer.

Kalluto watched his sisters going out and the nurse follow, fidgeting with his fingers, before moving to hold Killua's hand again. Milluki, who was standing in the corner, sighed.

Killua shrugged, silent and barely moving. His eyes darted down and he thought of Alluka's questions. It's not that he wanted to die, he just didn't want to live, and every breath he took got on his nerves. The cold, the restless night and the awake nightmares, the overwhelming senses he'd felt on that morning had pushed him over the edge easily, and he'd lost balance. If he was conscious and in the right state of mind, if he hadn't acted on the high of the moment, he would've never jumped. He probably would've thrown himself in front of a moving train instead. That would've been more successful for sure.

He didn't know if he would get to that point of no return ever again, but he was aware that he stayed close to the cliff. He was in a risky position, in a place where the ground could fall, his feet could slip and the glass could shatter at any given moment.

As to why he'd "done that" to her, Killua did it to himself, and with no purpose of hurting anyone but him. He intended to inflict death upon himself, and that without really considering what others would think. Then again, it was like an epiphany, a forbidden solution he'd ignored for so long, it only came to him once he was at his very last straw. At his lowest. He did feel bad for it, tho.

Killua had thrown himself down the top of a nine stories building, at nearly 20 meters of height. Paramedics were notified before he fell, when a man passing by saw Killua standing there, called them and alerted the police. Unfortunately, both services only arrived when Killua was splattered on the floor, in a pool of his own blood. He had been clinically dead for a minute or two before the first aid team successfully brought him back to life.

He had hit a tree in his way down and even tho it did slow down his descent and make the outcome less tragic, his nose was broken by a tree branch. For the more positive side of it, well, he'd survived.

Both of his legs, one of his ribs and his right wrist were all fractured, all four of which would require along the lines of two months to recover. His face was severely damaged, cut and bruised by the tree and the ground, and as for his nose, it was immediately fixed by surgery when he came in, although it would still need about a month for the bone to solidify correctly. He'd also suffered multiple infections due to his cuts and his blood loss, but he'd fortunately survive them without the need for amputations. He was under heavy amounts of medicine to tame down the pain.

Altogether, his injuries were significantly less important than in most cases. It's rare for someone to survive a fall from above 24 meters, and Killua had almost crossed that line. His family was incredibly thankful he was alright.

In the week Killua had been asleep his parents had visited everyday. However, as soon as he regained full consciousness, the day after waking up (and since he was a legal adult), he was able to deny their entry in the room, along with Illumi's. They no longer came, and it was highly relieving to his younger siblings, who continued visiting everyday. Milluki also occasionally came, usually bringing with him one of Killua's consoles, or a game, or a charger, or anything that would give him an excuse to be there for his brother. As for Alluka, she was allowed back in the day right after her outburst, despite the nurses' reticence. She'd apologized, and Killua didn't hold it against her.

His friends, or those who used to be his friends, were unaware of Killua's whereabouts. They had cut contact and Killua's attempt at suicide had not made journal headlines - it would've had his parents not silenced people of their money, something Killua knew didn't have his comfort for first intent, but that he still appreciated greatly.

Killua's siblings, with time, had developed the habit of talking about their lives to Killua when they came to the hospital. They opened up, principally for the three youngest, like they hadn't in a long time, and despite not seeming even remotely interested, Killua listened. Principally when Kalluto spoke, because he still didn't speak a lot, and Killua was realizing just now how much he'd ignored his youngest sibling all these years. He needed to cherish him more.

Again, Killua felt a sort of guilt and shame. If he'd died that way, that day, he would've never gotten to hear all these stories and discover all these things. Despite being bothersome emotions, Killua enjoyed these two. They pushed him to change for the best, and they were the reason he was grateful for these moments at all. They were reminders of his mistake.

It was nice to have some company, even tho Killua would occasionally space out and forget about the others. He'd never felt as close to his siblings as he did now. He knew the way he felt wasn't reciprocated, he knew it because as much as his siblings spoke and therefore formed a bond with him, he did not speak to form a bond with them back. He would do something about that when he reached the right state of mind, he promised himself.

Gon was a recurring theme in the short conversation that happened between Killua and his siblings. Sometimes, the tool that Killua took made him momentarily forget things, and he'd ask for his boyfriend, before remembering how he'd gotten to where he was in the first place. Gon was always a subconscious thought in Killua's mind, and it was great knowing the search for him continued, despite the fact that he had given up.

Nanika loved every second Killua spent speaking and asking about his boyfriend. It's as if a piece of Killua they'd lost was back, a bit of hope and interest, something she hadn't seen from her brother in a long time. It felt relieving.

There was a picture of Gon on Killua's nightstand, a picture of them together, hands held and smiles radiating. It was taken a year prior, a few months before this entire mess began, at a concert. Killua and Gon were both drunk messes and their faces were red but it didn't stop them from looking crazy happy, and it showed just how much they genuinely cared for each other, and how much none of their interactions were played, but rather all heartfelt. Killua sometimes commented about just how breathtaking Gon looked in that specific picture. He also assured he couldn't remember what band they were watching perform, because it was a festival, to which they'd gone on an impulse.

Milluki had brought said picture from Killua's room, which he had cleaned for him, because he knew the latter wouldn't have the strength to do it, or want a maid to see the mess.

Killua liked to stare at the picture for at least an hour, day after day. He had been very silent lately, the number of words he said everyday could be counted on one hand, two on lucky days. He also didn't smile, or cry, or show any major signs of emotion. It wasn't like back in June, when Killua's denial was at it's peak, it felt much less empty, but somehow it hurt just as much.

It was an average afternoon by mid March in the hospital room. Like often, Alluka watched Killua stare at Gon's face quietly. Meanwhile, sitting at her feet, Kalluto tried to beat Killua's scores at some of his games. So far, he hadn't succeeded to beat any. Killua loved to assure he never would.

Music was playing in the clinic, somewhere down the hall. It could be heard in the room, even tho the door was closed. It didn't bother any of them, mingling with the sound of the cartoons on the bedroom's TV, set to a low volume.

Milluki tried helping Kalluto with his objectives, sometimes getting frustrated by his younger brother's lack of technique. Kalluto hadn't been one to play a lot of video games growing up as it didn't exactly fit his parents' expectations, so he was bad at it, and Milluki tried his hardest to keep his calm. Either ways, Kalluto didn't exactly seem scared by Milluki's rambling. He just played, getting distracted by random side quests, landscapes and characters with which he could not interact. It drove his older brother crazy.

Nanika was sat on a chair by the only window in the room. It had a view on the hospital's parking. She'd wanted to open it but, for obvious reasons, the windows were sealed shut. So, she simply sat there, knitting to her heart's content. It was an activity that people tended to be surprised she took any interest in, but truth was that Nanika was a very patient girl. Only was it that when she happened to get mad, she got really mad.

Eventually, the injured man turned around to look back at where he felt eyes on him. Usually, Alluka smiled at her brother when he caught her staring. This time, she didn't. So many months of fighting to have her brother back. So many mistakes, so many missteps. So much messing up, and it was always her. When this began she thought it couldn't get worse, and now here she was, with her brother, disfigured by his own will to die. She just did not have the strength to try anymore, not that day at least.

Therefore, Killua smiled for her, hoping to have the gesture returned. His eyes lit up with something that had been missing for so long, much longer than Gon. A light nobody but his boyfriend had been able to make him produce since they met. Something he'd never shared with his siblings.

Speechless, in an explosion of hurt and relief, Alluka cried. It was Killua's own way to show appreciation, she knew just how much it meant. Her brother was back, willing to try to live again.

Chapter Text

April - May 2008

Throughout his two months at the hospital, Killua made amazing amounts of progress in his recovery. The doctors were amazed, and his family, largely relieved. He himself had a hard time believing how much work on himself he'd gotten done. It felt amazing, but almost unfair, compared to the year he'd just wasted.

Physically speaking, his bones had healed faster than expected. His nose was out of it's cast after two weeks, as for the rest of his broken limbs, a little over a month had been enough. After a month he was back on his feet (with some help and casts still on). He did reeducation for a week before being able to properly walk, maybe not as quickly as before, but it would come, eventually.

Mentally, Killua had made amazing progress as well. He was better, he spoke and smiled more. He ate again, all kinds of food, and he'd resumed playing sports (as much as he could, confined in his room) after the doctors recommended he did to help fix his bones. He showed interest in things, he tried, he was willing to give himself a new life, a new try. The one thing he absolutely refused was to ever find love again, but it's not as if his siblings cared about that much either way.

He was still on an uncertain, unstable path. Every step taken with Killua felt like stepping on broken ice, wondering when the moment to run as it shatters will come. If you begin running too quickly, or if you take too long to shift the pace, you will drown in cold waters. Tricky, but all you can do is trust your guts.

Killua was like a ticking bomb, a timer. Things would accumulate in his mind, tiny things, and he'd explode with outbursts of anger. It happened on a daily basis, but he made impressive progress on that field too, so nobody was really worried about it anymore, he included. His siblings simply tried to show him support.

The main reason why Killua wasn't doing that much better yet was his family, his parents principally. He knew that as soon as he got out of the hospital and went back home, he would be in severe trouble, and it caused him to be anxious constantly. His ticking fastened, and the calm, patient person he once was had a hard time coming back in those circumstances.

To balance it out, his younger siblings as well as Milluki spent lot of time with him, pacing around in his hotel room, or in the vast corridors of the facility. They weren't allowed to go outside, but they did try to take Killua to the rooftop for some fresh air, once. Even tho they were allowed to, it turned out to not be an amazing idea, and they returned to his room to play Monopoly.

Sometimes they watched TV all together. Sometimes they had conversation until dawn. Some days, when Nanika was frustrated, they sat in silence. Some days, when Kalluto was sad, they made origamis with him. Some days, when Milluki was over, they discussed anime characters with fiery passion (they violently fought over characters, ships, plot twists and endings). Some days, when Alluka was overly excited, they sat and watched her speak, pacing back and forth. Some days, when Killua was at his lowest, they went to buy hot chocolate from the machine down the hall for him. Those were their routines for two months.

Eventually time passed, and Killua watched his stay at the hospital approach it's end. But it was the beginning of May, and Killua was still hospitalized. He supposedly was to be sent to a psychiatric ward as soon as he was able to walk again, but his parents had refused to have him hosted at "an asylum" because, well, he "wasn't crazy". Therefore, the doctors had decided to keep him at the clinic for a while longer to avoid major twists. He was technically free to leave, but in his own best interest, he'd chosen to stay.

One specific day, during the early afternoon, the nurse responsible of mail halted by Killua's room. The worker came in after knocking twice, walking over to the young man. His siblings, who were on the floor playing a game of Uno, greeted her as she passed by.

She handed her patient an envelope, for which he thanked her. She proceeded to walk away, waving goodbye at the siblings. Killua stared with a frown at the pearly white paper in his hands. It was signed of Retz's name. Since the beginning of his hospitalization, he'd had no phone, and therefore no contact with the outside, so he wasn't so surprised Retz had resorted to write him a letter. What did concern him was, what exactly was important enough for her to contact him again?

"What is that?" Kalluto asked from the floor where he sat cross legged, his eyes wandering over the paper with curiosity. Killua snapped out of his transe to look at his brother.

"A letter I just received." He answered blankly after a silent second.

"From who?" Alluka chimed in. She set down a card on the pile with a giggle, making the other players groan in response. Finally, she turned to look at her brother, waiting for an answer. Said brother just shrugged.

"A friend, I guess." He said.

Getting to be freed from the hospital was rather easy, since he wasn't under constant medication anymore. He only had his antidepressants to take, once every day. Other than that he was completely free of medicine, because his psychiatrist had refused to give him Xanax, worried he would use it for purposes other than recovery.

Going back to his parents' house at the moment was a stupid idea. He did absolutely not want to go, he was not ready for confrontation, and the simple idea of stepping foot into the mansion of his darkest nightmares again terrified him. His sick and twisted imagination changed it's memory to make it horrific, even tho it wasn't necessary at this point. Either ways, it was undeniably bound to happen eventually, but as long as he could avoid it, he would. Good thing he had somewhere else to be anyways.

"I'm not sure about this." He'd announced to his siblings as he read the letter aloud. They all looked at him, gathered around his bed, mixed feelings on their faces.

"I think you should go!" Alluka announced with excitement, and Kalluto nodded with a shy smile.

In her letter, Retz invited Killua to join her on Whale Island on the fifth. That day, exactly a year after Gon's disappearance, Retz wanted the group to meet where everything began. He wasn't really sure it was a good idea. He could already feel the awkwardness and tension in the air. He could see the arguments they'd undeniably have if any of them was in an even slightly bad mood. He could see it go wrong a thousand different ways.

His siblings, on the other hand, seemed to think it was an amazing thing. They were absolutely convinced Retz planned on getting everyone to have a civilized conversation, make peace, all while reminiscing about their beloved friend Gon. Surely she was trying to make the fifth of May a special, festive day again, by saving their years lasting friendship then. In their opinion, it would be a really great thing for Killua's mental health to confront this issue with other people, victims of feelings similar to his.

Not only that, but in her letter, Retz had also assured everyone else already agreed to come. Maybe it really wasn't that big of a deal after all, and he was being overly dramatic. Thinking of it, he would finally be able to apologize and reconcile with his friends: it was an opportunity he could not miss. He really needed them by his side at the moment, and he'd give anything to make that happen.

Plus, it was a great excuse to avoid returning home for a little while longer. Everything seemed to benefit his situation, there was no need for further resistance. Therefore, Killua indulged.

Whale Island was just as beautifully arbored as a year prior, only for some reason most flowers had shifted from pale to darker tones, Killua noticed. The smells, the colors, the sound of the waves heavily crashing against the shores, everything reminded him of Gon, and it was overwhelming. His mind raced, his breathing quickened, and he regretted almost immediately telling his siblings he could do this alone. The ticking began.

Going up on foot to Mito's vacation home through the thickness of the forest now that the night began falling felt good, despite being tiring. He spent the walk divided on multiple emotions. A part of him regretted not having bought a moto or something, another was glad to have this moment to think while alone in the rising darkness. Whale Island had warm weathers and May nights were fairly hot, enjoyable, until midnight when it turned colder. He looked around and wondered how life would be if he was born here, looking at the sun setting behind large trees and the animals scurrying out of his way. He walked, quick paced, through the harshly paved paths of the mountain, and it was just as confusing to locate himself in them as he'd remembered.

Gon often said he wished to live in Whale Island. Killua could completely see why, it fit Gon like a glove, but a certain part of him was sure his lover would eventually grow bored of the peace and calm at the island and move for a larger city. It was too empty and boring to use up all of Gon's unending energy, occupy his mind, satisfy his hunger for interaction and discovery. The tornado that was Gon would've ravaged this tiny island, it's forests and it beaches, looking for interests to focus on.

Killua hadn't taken his medicine that morning, and he was starting to feel the effects of it, and the ticking in his brain intensified. It wasn't on purpose that he didn't take them, he'd just forgotten, and he hadn't brought the pills with him because he was expected to be back by the next morning. He shrugged to himself, figuring it would be alright, as long as he made sure to be extra careful and stay really calm.

The Freecss family cottage was a triggering view and it took Killua multiple minutes to be able to resume stepping it's way when he took a first glance at it. He swallowed his saliva with difficulty, throat dry, legs trembling and heart stinging. He made his way inside the house, starring at the floor like it was the prettiest of masterpieces.

Everything was decorated just as they'd left it the previous year. The couches were placed how they'd intended Gon to find them. Empty plates of food they'd thrown away before running off to the airport were pilled up in the sinks. The living room carpet was stained of Ikalgo's drool, right where he'd slept on the floor when waiting for the party to begin. The green box, the gift Killua had gotten for his lover, was still on the table by the door, where he'd put it when he first arrived. He felt like his memories were given back to him by a simple glanced spared at the living room, after a year during which he'd lost them. A part of him felt grateful to remember, another would've preferred ignorance.

Killua noticed, in his way in, that the door seemed to have been forcefully opened. He wondered why, he was pretty sure Mito would allow them to come if they wanted. Maybe they just forgot the keys, he assumed, shrugging.

Retz came rushing into the room from the other side of the house when he called for her, a shy smile plastered on her face. She moved to Killua, taking him in her arms for a sweet embrace, caring and motherly (but with difficulty, due to her short height). He let himself melt, he'd missed it, after all. Not to mention, Retz and Gon had always smelt similar. It was comforting.

The others followed after her, everyone, and even tho they smiled respectfully, they were awfully, unusually, unpleasantly silent. Everything was a blur, between then and the moment they sat down at the dinner table to eat. All he knew is that they'd shared meaningless smiles, uncomfortable hugs and unnecessary greetings for half an hour. He couldn't actually care to remember any of it. Only Retz had acted in a genuine and heartfelt way in his opinion.

The old friends finally began speaking once everyone was settled and started eating the fresh salad, voices raising and conversations forming, making the dense air lift. Listening to everyone laugh around him brought a smile to Killua's face, and he felt glad. It momentarily made him forget about the ticking in his brain.

Retz was sat on Killua's right as she spoke with Komugi across from her, their giggles felt natural, an old melody that always animated the groups' conversations from the shadows. It was a background sound he'd never noticed until he missed it. Anita and Ikalgo, sat next to each other right in front of Killua and to Komugi's left, were fighting over the color of a napkin (which the first said was blue and the second said was grey). Meleoron was trying not to fall asleep - he was the type of guys to turn sleepy when tipsy, and of course he was the only one to drink that night. He was sat on the left extremity of the table. Zushi, sat on the right extremity, was attempting to throw bread crumbs into his gaping mouth. Kurapika was by Retz's side, watching Zushi perform, closed book on his lap. More than he noticed anyone on the table, Killua noticed Canary to his left, eating silently, smiling calmly at him every once in a while. He'd missed her, a lot.

Killua felt aware of everything, more than ever in the past year. It gave him a sense of control, understanding, and definitely a lot of internal peace.

It was amazing. Even after everything, even after all they'd been through and all the times he put their friendships on the line, after all of the yelling, the crying, the messing up, all the built up tension, after all of that and more, they were all willing to take their differences asides for him, for them as a group. They were all here, despite everything. And they didn't even know he had attempted suicide yet.

It was hard to sit through in a way, because he could hear the resentment and the pain in every single voice around him, and he knew it was largely his own fault. But he tried, and they tried, and there was no better feeling to him at that moment than that. His siblings taught him to cherish the efforts, and his friends made plenty of those for him to cherish.

The rest of the meal was sweet. Killua didn't exactly talk a lot but it's not as if he ever had. To the others it felt good to have him with them, not behaving like he was asleep but not acting up either. They just wished they had the occasion to meet up on better circumstances, because it was clear that Killua remained in a lot of pain.

After dinner, Komugi dragged Zushi over by the ear to the kitchen where she left him to wash the dishes while she took care of the table. Retz hopped around the house, looking for something. The rest of them just sat, talking, while Killua watched everything unfold.

Less than ten minutes later, everyone was sat, gathered around the table again. Retz had with her a cheap imitation of trivial pursuit she found in a cabinet. 

It was really fun to watch a half asleep Meleoron somehow beat everyone completely effortlessly, Zushi freak out about his lack of points, Anita and Ikalgo fighting over whether the prices for good answers were cheese or cake pieces, Komugi patiently waiting for Retz to finally read her question for her (she began reading over and over again because she kept stuttering and everyone laughed at her) and Canary almost yelling everytime someone got an easy question wrong, all while Kurapika shamelessly laughed right behind her. Killua sometimes chimed in to make fun of someone's stupid answer, but other than that, he simply answered when his turn came, and watched in silence the rest of the time.

When the game finished, everyone went quiet, and Killua's eyebrows raised. Everyone sounded so fine seconds ago, why were they so pressed all of a sudden? He watched as each and every single one of his friends got up, and came back with different weapons and tools. Scissors, hammers, knives, Retz even set a machete right in front of Killua. That's not a very good idea, he thought. He was right.

He tried asking what was going on but nobody would answer, so he eventually gave up and returned to the dinning table where he sat. He then watched his friends bring out closed boxes from another room. Killua stayed silent, very visibly confused. His friends stood in front of him.

"Killua." Retz began, and Killua simply nodded. "A month ago, Mito called us over to her house." She stated.

"She said she was ready to move on after what happened last year, that she wanted to get better, but she couldn't, not when everything at home reminded her of Gon." Anita pursued, arms crossed and eyes glued on the floor.

"Did she move?" Killua asked, and Ikalgo nodded.

"She is planning on doing so." He said. "And she decided to purge the house of anything Gon owned before she did, so she asked for our help to box everything up."

Killua took a little while to let that much sink in. It was hard to believe Mito was willing to get rid of Gon's stuff, but he understood. Everyone delt with these situations differently, he was the first concerned. He assumed that what sat in the brown cardboard boxes in the living room were Gon's things, and he suddenly felt the violent need to go through them.

"You took his things with you?" He asked, eyeing the boxes.

"Yeah." Retz affirmed. "She wanted us to throw everything out, but she did give us permission to keep anything we could want, and we just didn't have the heart to throw anything away at all." She explained further, and Killua felt himself smile. Of course you didn't.

"So we took a plane to Whale Island," Zushi pursued, "broke into the cottage and stored everything here." He finished, and Killua snickered.

"Smart plan." He smirked, and Canary simply laughed at him.

"It was my idea." She began, scratching the back of her neck. "Turns out it wasn't that smart, tho, because Mito called us last week to announce that she wanted to speed up the process and move to here, to this house, in a month. So now we absolutely need to change the lock." She concluded, and Killua laughed at the irony of the situation.

"So we thought we'd ask for your help, see if you could store some of this in your house." Ikalgo said. Killua began nodding.

"I totally can." He assured, but Retz just shook her head.

"It's not going to be necessary, because we changed our plans." She stated, and Killua's head tilted.

"Do you not want to keep these anymore?" He asked. "I mean, I understand you don't have space, but I can take care of that."

"Well, it's not just that. The thing is, with everything that's happened these past days, we thought maybe it would help us to destroy these, together." Retz explained, grabbing one of the numerous hammers in front of her and patting one of the cardboard boxes. "It would give some sort of... Closure, to all of us. And something to bond over."

Killua frowned. He didn't get it. What closure did they need? Even if they wanted to get rid of Gon's stuff, why destroy it? How did Gon's birthday change anything to the fact that they should probably keep his stuff? Or was it something else that they were talking about? He couldn't think of anything that had happened related to Gon besides his birthday.

"I don't get it." He announced. "What if we find Gon? He's going to be so lost and confused if he has to move to Whale Island immediately, principally if we destroy everything he owns."

There was a second during which nobody answered. Killua watched his friends sigh, staring at him, pitiful. Komugi turned to whisper "I told you" in Ikalgo's hear, and Canary rubbed Retz's arm comfortingly. Killua's face scrunched, he felt somewhat offended. What'd he say? Was he going crazy?

"Killua, you need to get over that. Please, Gon is not with us anymore." Canary expressed with a concerned voice. Killua's eyes widened with incomprehension.

"What?" He asked, raising his voice and shrugging his shoulders. "I know Gon is not with us, and I know the probability of finding him now is minimal," he rolled his eyes, "almost none, but he's missing, and he can still be found. Are we just giving up?" Kurapika sighed.

"Just quit lying to yourself like that, you know exactly what happened." Retz assured, pained.

"Girl! No I don't!" He contradicted with pure frustration. "I have no idea of what the fuck y'all are on about and I just feel so confused."

"Don't lie to us, Mito wouldn't have left you in the dark like that." Ikalgo assured. "We know she called you too." Killua sighed, bringing a hand to his face.

"I've been in the hospital for two months, Ikalgo." He began. "My phone was broken and I just got a new one today, with a new number and none of my contacts but my siblings yet. Even if Mito did try to join me, I wouldn't have know. Now, is any of you going to tell me what's going on?"

Killua watched silently as his friends' faces turned pale. They swallowed with difficulty, exchanging panicked glanced under his confused gaze. He didn't know what was going on anymore. Nothing moved until Meleoron coughed, and Retz snapped out of her transe.

"You broke your phone?" She asked, voice cracking.

"Is that really important right now?" He asked, arms folding over his chest. "I thought you knew anyways, you sent me a letter."

"I sent you a letter because it was more fancy," she shrugged her shoulders, "and because you suppressed all of your social media accounts a few months ago..." She finished, muttering the last part, and Killua sighed, annoyed.

"Church said social media leads to sin. Whatever. I'll create new ones later." He rolled his eyes. "You sent me a letter to the hospital, so I thought you knew what had happened."

"I knew you were in the hospital because I ran into your brother at a convenience store." Killua nodded. He could remind Milluki telling him how'd he'd ran into a blonde in a supermarket who had started asking him about Killua's whereabouts, and how he didn't know who she was. Killua had immediately guessed it was Retz. "He didn't tell me what was going on with you, tho." She resumed. "What happened?"

"Stop beating around the bush." Killua retorted with annoyance. This was all starting to get on his nerves. "Just tell me what happened!"

Again, Killua watched all his friends fall into silence. They stood, shifted awkwardly in their positions, exchanged glances, as if asking for help or praying for some salvation, while he tapped his foot on the floor impatiently. The air was heavy, crickets and frogs sang outside, melodies filled the room through half open windows, and the group's silence kept growing louder. Killua's ticking brain hated it, and it got heated.

"Just tell me!" He complained, arms flying to his side before falling back on his lap. Canary took a step forward.

"Uhm." She began, clearing her throat. "Well. Mito called us, a bit over a week ago. About Gon." Killua nodded, frowning with interest. Canary's voice intensity fell. "The police, they found him. Dead, that is."

Killua stared at Canary in silence, as everyone else stared back at him, waiting for a reaction.

"What?" He muttered, emotionless.

"Human trafficking, like the cops predicted. It really was the phantom troupe that took him." She shrugged her shoulders, itching her arm and staring at the floor. "We really thought you already knew, or else we wouldn't have invited you." Kurapika nodded with a step forward, taking the reins.

"That's why Leorio isn't here." He announced. "You know how his childhood friend was taken by human trafficking..."

Kurapika continued his speech, excusing Leorio's absence, but Killua didn't hear it. He didn't hear anything but the ticking in his brain, so quick paced, it sounded like something ringing in his ears. His chest felt like it was about to burst with unbearable pressure, his legs were jumping up and down, his hands fisted his pants, his whole body felt cold, but in a way that it was like it was on fire. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't cry. He felt completely paralyzed. Powerless.

What was all of this? Why was he so suddenly panicked? He'd worked on himself, he'd prepared himself for this moment. He'd thought of this, he'd taken the time to understand, to accept that he'd surely never see Gon again, to accept that he was dead. That it was all over.

He'd had conversations like this thousands of times in his head, before he slept, when he took showers, during which he confronted this issue maturely and with impressive calm. He'd learned to step again for this moment to happen, with the only objective to stand against all that life would throw his way, to carry a smile for Gon, for every person that missed him, and for every smile he wouldn't be able to carry himself anymore.

And yet, suddenly, all of it was lost. He didn't know if it was just because he wasn't expecting it, because he was taken by surprise, but all of his work felt useless and his time wasted, and he was taken over by a violent fit of rage. He absolutely needed to let it out, on someone.

"Killua?" Retz's voice resonated over the ringing, and it was insufferably sweet. Her hands were on his shoulders, hot and heavy. His eyes twitched, eyeing over the group of teenagers who he hadn't noticed coming his way. He felt furious.

His hands trembled violently as he took off his necklace, the one with pearls that Gon had given him, and clumsily tied it around the handle of the machete Retz had set in front of him earlier. His friends starred at him with confusion, before smiling sadly, in the assumption that he would help them destroy what was left of Gon. Foolish, foolish assumption.