Chapter Text
Hee, it- it- Sunoo sounds desperate and Heeseung can't wrap his mind around what's happening. It- hurts. Hee, it hurts, it hurts it HURTS. MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE. IT HURTS HEE, MAKE IT STOP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
He can hear yelling around him. Jungwon and Niki are trying to stop Jay from running to the house to save their brother, but Heeseung can't listen to anything other than Sunoo's mind. His brother, his little sunshine, his-
PLEASE, I CAN'T- IT BURNS, MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP.
His pleading gets more desperate by the second
HELP, SOMEONE, PLEASE. IT HURTS, MAKE IT STOP. IT HURTS, MAKE IT STOP. ANYONE, PLEASE, IT HURTS, HELP ME. HELP ME, PLEASE.
until they suddenly stop.
"Sunoo?" He says out loud as he starts walking towards the fire. His legs are shaking and in the back of his mind he thinks it's a miracle he's still standing, let alone being able to walk.
He stops when he feels a hand on his chest. He looks up, only to find Sunghoon in front of him, eyes looking for answers the same way his own are looking at the fire. Desperate. Desperate to know what happened to their younger brother. He looks at the fire, looking, searching, pleading for answers that the bright orange flames are unwilling to give him.
Everything turns into a haze. He's vaguely aware that he's now kneeling on the floor, still facing the fire, consumed by the sight of the flames and the once warm feeling that now took away their brother. Sunghoon has his arms wrapped around him, crying hysterically, asking him about his brother.
He so faintly hears his other brothers. Well, he's actually only able to hear Jay as he struggles against the others in an attempt to get to the fire and get Sunoo out. His screams and yells only get louder and more desperate after Heeseung has fallen to his knees. Niki and Jungwon struggle against him, trying to talk some sense into their older brother as tears stream down their faces.
"Sun-..." he tries to say only for it to be interrupted by a heart-wrenching sob that leaves his throat before he can notice it's there. It doesn't seem to matter anyway as he breaks down crying.
He can't hear anything. Jay turns quiet and the struggling stops. He hears his brother falling to his knees and he can make out Jake's wails but he can't turn his head to his brother. His eyes are fixed on the fire and he feels his soul being consumed by the flames that burn bright.
He can't hear Sunoo.
He comes to his senses as he's being tucked into bed by Jungwon. He's dizzy and he feels like his head has been stuffed with cotton. His throat hurts and it takes him a couple of seconds to take everything in.
"Hey there" his brother says and attempts to smile, only for a broken expression to make its way to his lips. Noticing this, the younger relaxes his face, erasing the expression from his face and looking back at him. "I'm glad you're back with us Hee".
"Won?" he says and the youngest looks at him. "Wha- What happened?" he asks. He doesn't want to know. He wishes it weren't true, he wishes Sunoo was on the other side of the door and for this to be product of a fever dream. He needs this to be a fever dream, otherwise it would mean that-
"We lost Sunoo" his brother says and Heeseung feels his ears fill with cotton again, but his mind is as clear as the flames that night. The pain hits him all out once and he thinks he let out a scream if the pain in his throat is anything to go by. Flashes of bright red take over his thoughts and the echoes of his brother's pleas plague his mind. It hurts, please, he thinks, make it stop.
"Shh" Jungwon coos as he holds him but his mind elsewhere. He's living the fire all over again, the bright flames and the agony of it all. Agony, not just pain. Sunoo was in agony when he died. The sensation of his brother's skin burning to ashes was now imprinted in his being and Heeseung can only hope that one day, the fire will end. He knows it won't, it didn't for his brother. The echoes of help turn into screams and agonizing wails and he grips his head in an attempt to make it all stop.
It's all futile.
He screams and tears make their way down his face. Stop, he begs. It hurts, I'm sorry. I couldn't save him, please, I'm sorry. Let me go back. Let me go back, I promise I'll find him in time, I promise I'll save him he begs to a God he doesn't believe in. If there's anyone out there, he repudiates them for doing this to his brother but he's willing to do anything if there's even the slimmest chance of having Sunoo back with them.
Jungwon rubs circles on his back as he holds him in his arms, singing a soft lullaby in hopes of calming him and making Heeseung's scream stop. Heeseung doesn't seem to notice, his sobs and apologies only getting louder and more desperate. Jungwon has never seen his brother so... broken. So utterly destroyed, beyond any saving.
He keeps rubbing circles on his back, trying his best to keep it together for his older brother.
It's been only a few days since they lost Sunoo.
Or at least that's what Jungwon has told him. He feels like it's been a lifetime since that happened, every second feeling like centuries. He feels like it just happened merely seconds ago, the heat of the fire still burning his face.
He has tried to come out of his room this couple of days, he really has. He's tried his best to be there for his brothers but it's just-
The fresh air and the smell of the ocean salt fill his lungs as he takes a deep breath. Staring at the vast ocean keeps the thoughts away, it brings him some semblance of peace.
"I'm sorry" Jake says and Heeseung turns to his side to see his brother. His hair's a mess as are his clothes. Heeseung smiles at him, a reassuring smile.
"It's not your fault" he tells him. "You didn't start the fire, you couldn't have known that Selene would be there".
"Had I not spent the last remains of my power in lightning that bonfire, do you think I would have been able to save him?" he asks quietly. Heeseung doesn't answer, trying to not dwell into the things they could've done and the 'what-ifs'.
Sunoo is gone and there's no changing that.
A comfortable silence sits between them when Heeseung talks again.
"I heard him when he-" and he can't help the sob that rips itself out of his throat. He feels Jake's arms around him, so quickly that it would scare him had it been anyone else other that his brother.
"I used up the remains of my power to communicate with him" he explains. "I-I don't know what came to me, it just- I did and when I managed to locate his mind and connect with him I-" more sobs interrupt him. Jake starts rubbing circles on his back. "He was in so much pain, he only wanted me to make it stop. Oh God, Jake, he was in so much pain...".
He knows he shouldn't be talking to Jake about this. He knows, really. It will only make his brother feel more miserable, knowing that he could've saved Sunoo. He knows he shouldn't be telling him this.
But God, it hurts so much. His voice keeps repeating in his head, his pleas for help have become a twisted lullaby to which he's forced to sleep to every night. Everyday, every night, every breathing moment since his brother died. The images of the fire and of Sunoo's mind, painted with a fresh bloody red in his brain.
His brother's embrace is warm, almost making him think that he's using his powers. He sobs even harder.
The wound hasn't heal.
He isn't able to keep track of time. Who would've thought that measuring time when you're mortal was more difficult than when you were immortal?
Centuries passed in his head as merely a month went by.
Niki is the one who enters his room this time. Not Jungwon. That's... unusual. Why didn't Jungwon come this time? Niki left some food and a glass of water on his night table and sat on the bed, as if inviting him to ask the most obvious question.
"What happened to Jungwon?" he asks but the younger keeps quiet and doesn't look him in the eye. Heeseung stomach turns upside down. What happened to his brother? What? Is he okay? Is he alive? What happe-
"Jay tried to kill Sunghoon".
"What?" Heeseung asks and his mind fills with questions again. "What happened? Was it an accident? I'm sure it was an accident, Jay didn't mean it. He couldn't have hurt Hoon, I'm sure this is-".
"I helped Jungwon take him off of Hoon. If we had taken any longer, Jay would've-" his voice breaks. Niki swallows the lump that's formed in his throat, his glossy eyes escaping Heeseung's. "Any longer and he would've choked him" he finishes and Heeseung can't wrap his head around what's happening. Jay? Their Jay? Doing something like this? Their brother, who swore to protect them, tried to kill Sunghoon? What happened? How-
"It's better if Won tells you" Niki says, getting up and heading to the door. Before he can go any further, Heeseung grabs his wrist and pull so hard that his brother falls back to the bed and Heeseung finally gets to see him properly. His eyes are red. Red eyes, glossy as they try to prevent the tears from falling. Tears he's sure Niki cries every night when the younger goes to bed. He sees a boy who had to grow too quickly.
God, Sunoo. Where are you?
He wraps Niki in a tight hug. The younger holds his hoody like a lifeline and Heeseung can feel the younger tremble as he tries oh so hard to keep the tears at bay and the sobs as quiet as humanly possible. Keyword being 'tries'.
Right then and there, holding a crying Niki, Heeseung swears he's coming out of his room and being the older brother his family needs.
Being a strong brother is easier said than done.
There are days when he can't get out of bed, days when he feels like he has cried all the tears he possible cry and days when that's proven wrong. But overall, he's slowly but surely getting better. It's not a linear process, he knows that but still, he should be there for his brothers and-
Some days are easier than others.
Yesterday was especially hard. After a week of pleading, Jungwon finally let him talk to Sunghoon. He can't be sure how much time has passed since the incident with Jay but Sunghoon has locked himself in his room after that. Jungwon keeps everyone from going in, a security measure per say. It would really help the situation if he actually knew what happened between them. He hasn't seen Jay around the house and the only ones who seem to know are Niki and Jungwon, having been there when the fight broke out. Jake was as lost as he was.
He had entered the room making as little noise as possible. Sunghoon doesn't seem to notice him at first. He was sitting on a chair in front of the window, back facing the door, looking down at their garden. The flowers were in full bloom and the bright yellow reflected the sunlight, making it seem like a gigantic mirror. An all-encompassing ocean Heeseung thinks he'd gladly drown in if given the chance.
"Why are you here?" Sunghoon said as Heeseung took a step forward toward his brother. Sunghoon didn't even turn around, didn't even face him.
Heeseung would have been lying if he said it didn't hurt him.
"I want to see if you're okay" he said.
"It's my fault" he heard his brother mutter.
"What? No, it's not your fault Hoon. It's no one's fa-".
"I was the one who brought Selene here" he confessed.
A dreading silence fell upon them.
What did Sunghoon mean by that? Selene, the evil that killed their brother. What did Sunghoon mean by that? What did he mean by saying he 'brought' her to them? Just-
"What did you do?" the thought escaped Heeseung's mouth and it all came crashing down after that.
He saw his brother's shoulders start to shake as soft sobs left his body. Endless apologies and explanations that Heeseung heard but didn't listen to; telling him about how he was tricked, how he thought it was Sooha; how he didn't mean to hurt them; how he thought he was doing the right thing by trusting her; how he was so devastated because it-
"-'s my fault" Sunghoon sobbed even harder. "It's my fault Hee. My fault, my fault" he kept repeating words that, yet again, were being ignored by Heeseung.
None of them mattered anyway. The only thing that mattered was that his brother was hurt.
Heeseung didn't move from his place, frozen in the middle of the room, wordlessly watching as his brother fell apart.
Heeseung had decided that today was going to be a good day, a productive one even.
He had woken up early and gone straight to the greenhouse to work on some crops he wanted to get sow before it got too cold. Did the temperature matter if they were inside a greenhouse? Jungwon had told him to get it done before it got cold but, realistically, does it matter? Oh great, why are they growing garlic in their garden? Sure, they're not repulsed by it anymore but it's not like they love the taste of it. He personally would rather stick to a well-seasoned meal that doesn't use garlic rather than having the taste of garlic overpower everything in the dish.
"How are you doing?" Jay says, effectively snapping him from his thoughts. He looks up and finds his brother wearing an apron and carrying a bag of fertilizer. Heeseung raises an eyebrow and lets out a chuckle.
"Thought you didn't like the greenhouse" he teases.
"I don't" Jay answers with no hesitation. "I finished chopping up enough wood for us to have during winter. Then I got bored and Won sent me here to help" he explains. Oh, so that's why he's here. Heeseung lets out a soft laugh.
"You don't have to".
"But I want to".
"Jay, it's okay, really".
"Let me" he says and Heeseung sighs defeated.
"Fine, get that basket over there. We're going to the orchard to get some oranges" he says and with that, they're off.
This harvest seems to be a good one, he thinks looking at the baskets full of orange they had picked up. The brothers were resting under a tree, utterly drained. They sat in silence, staring at the clouds that went by. That one over there looks like a lion, he thinks. Oh and that other one looks like a-
"How are you holding up?" Jay says and Heeseung closes his eyes. He was having a good day.
"Did Jake tell you ab-".
"He did" Jay says and a comfortable, almost understanding silence settles between them.
"The nightmares are still there, they're just less brutal" or I've gotten used to them, he thinks. At least he doesn't wake up screaming his lungs out, waking up everyone in the house. Now he just wakes up from them and stares at the ceiling before he starts crying. It's more silent, although he knows he still wakes his brothers every time he has a nightmare.
"We can hunt Selene down. Make her pay for what she did to us" Jay says and it makes Heeseung open his eyes and look at Jay. A fiery resolve shines in his brother's eyes and it terrifies Heeseung.
He can't say he hasn't thought about this before.
"No. I'm not losing another brother" he tells him.
"She won't get us this time. We're prepared and-".
"Killing her won't bring Sunoo back" he says calmly, going straight to the root of the problem. This isn't about Selene, is it? "None of us could've saved him and hunting Selene down won't bring him back" he says. That's something it took him a while to accept, that at the end of the day Sunoo is gone. There's no way to bring him back.
They hear Niki in the distance telling them to hurry up. The youngest was really eager to try freshly made orange juice, made with the oranges they had grown by themselves. The poor guy had waited all winter for this. Heeseung smiles, grabbing one of the baskets full of oranges and making his way back to the house.
"Let you forgive yourself".
He doesn't know if he says that to Jay or to himself.
"It's been a while Sunoo. And you still hurt".
The chilly winds hits his face and messes with his hair. Heeseung forces air into his lungs, the tickling sensation he feels after inhaling in cold air helps him ground himself.
He had told Jungwon he was going for a walk to clear his mind. He must've seen through him because a sad smile appeared in his brother's face but he didn't say anything. He told him to grab a scarf since that day was particularly windy and Jungwon didn't want him to catch a cold.
Heeseung stands in front of the debris left behind after the fire.
"Jake's doing better" he starts. "He's finally able to swim again and he loves it. Oh, he looks like a puppy when he goes out to swim. I haven't seen him so happy in centuries" he smiles.
It wasn't a sunny day but Jake looked down so he decided that a walk with his brother would be a good idea. After some complaining, Jake accepted and they left the house. They ventured into the forest and stated walking, running, playing, exploring like they were kids again. The smell of wet wood and the cracking of leaves under their footsteps made all of their problems fade away. The deeper they went in the forest, the more their minds seemed to merge with the branches of the trees. Their voices melted together with the singing of the birds and the whispers of a nearby river.
After what feels like their entire lives, they arrived at the edge of the forest. The familiarity of the forest was left behind as they took in the view of the lake before them. Should they jump? Heeseung wondered. Is it safe? But oh, does God know how much he wanted to jump. Jake grabbed him by the hand and all of his doubts dissipated as he looks into his brother's eyes. A pleading engraved in his irises, a need imprinted in his soul.
"Ready?" Jake asked and who is Heeseung to say no to his brother.
They jump at the count of three and, as they fly, Heeseung thinks he could die right there and then and wouldn't have a single regret. They fly so high he thinks they'll never touch the ground. Then, the cold embraces them and he holds his breath, making his way to the surface. He panics for a seconds as he looks for his brother but his eyes quickly settle on Jake and he breathes again. Fresh air fills his lungs and he yells, euphoric. Jake is swimming, he's swimming. A part of his soul settles into place, a place it should've never left in the first place and Heeseung feels whole again.
He smiles fondly at the memory.
"Hoon is spending more time outside of the house" he continues. "He spends most of the day in the garden. Oh, you would have loved to see him sleep between the flowers" he chuckles. "He enjoys the flowers but he hates the bees" he laughs at the memory. "He ran to the house so fast he thought there was an emergency. When he told us there was a bee... " he starts laughing even harder.
"Jay is playing the guitar again" he says once his laughter dies out. "Jungwon scolds him for waking us up early but you know he's not really mad". He remembers the tune that woke him up the first time. The soft melody resonated through the entire house and a warm feeling seemed to engulf him. The notes took him back to the house they were raised in, a better time. No, not a better time, he thought, but an easier one. A time without the burden of the years. The chords of the song lulled him back to sleep and he smiled as he knew that this time the tune would keep the nightmares away.
"Jungwon... Oh, Jungwon" he looks up at the sky. "He's the strongest of all of us and that scares me a little bit" he smiles, lowering his gaze back at the remains of the house. "He's always taking care of us and I sometimes worry about him. I fear that one day the walls he's built around himself are going to crack and I pray that, the day that happens, we're able to be by his side and take care of him the same way he took care of us". Heeseung wishes he could tell his brother that it's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve and that they'll all be there for him, he doesn't need to be strong for all of them all the time and they'll still love him when he crumbles. But ultimately, he keeps quiet because he knows Jungwon knows that already. He knows.
He enjoys the silence for a bit. A calming silence surrounds him and he turns around to appreciate the scenery. Meadows extend far beyond the horizon, their paling green color contrasting with the bright blue sky. The cold wind moves around the clouds on the blue canvas and Heeseung can't think of anything else. When did he ever stop loving the sky? When, in all of his life, did he stop marveling over the sky? When did he stop looking for shapes in the clouds? When did he ever stop looking at the stars, late at night, searching for marks and signs of his fate?
Against his deepest desires, he lowers his gaze back again and turns around. Instantly, he wishes he hadn't. There, some mere feet away, rests the remains of the fire. Looking at it now, it looks much smaller than he remembers. Much more trivial, as if mocking him.
"Niki misses his older brother, Sun." he says and that's what it takes to finally bring him down. The next he knows, he's on the ground, kneeling as he comes undone. "I need you here Sun" he sobs and there's nothing stopping the tears anytime soon. "I miss you Sun, come back to us. It's not the same without you, we need our brother back".
The debris stays there, unbothered by his sobs and pleas. Unmoving, unchanging. Nothing will bring their brother back, he knows. But if he could change their mortality for his brother, he'd do it in a heartbeat. Enduring eternity all over again would hurt him less that loosing Sunoo. He sobs even harder.
He stays there until his sobs stop, until his knees hurt and his resolve washes down. When he feels numb again, then he decides to stand up again. He looks back at the remains of the house and realization hits him. He takes a couple of seconds before he talks again.
"You're always there with us, you know?" he tells his brother. "I see you everywhere, Sun. You're in the flowers Sunghoon grows in the garden".
"You're in the scarf Jungwon wraps around me before I leave the house".
"You're in Jake's singing".
"You're in the wood Jay brings home during the winter".
"You're in Niki's smile".
"You're in the foxes I see running around the forest everyday".
"You're in the mint plants that grow in the riverbed".
"You haven't left us at all, have you?".
He turns around and starts walking by to the house, a warm feeling in his chest. Maybe Sunoo left them that day in the flames of the fire, but he knows he'll live this life with the memory of his brother in every detail of it. This mortal life, albeit short, is packed with intensity and luminosity. The grief feels overwhelming but he knows that, one day, joy and happiness will feel overwhelming as well.
Spring is coming, he thinks to himself and takes a deep breath.
He sprints back to the forest, the orange sunset bathing his skin. Yeah, it'll be spring soon and he can't wait to see the flowers bloom again.