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He doesn't know what is happening anymore. Why can't he move forward? Why can't he reach his brother? The only things in Jay's mind are the pain in his arm, the warmth on his face and-
"SUNOO!" he screams again as he struggles against his brothers. "LET ME GO" he begs. "I CAN SAVE HIM" he tries but his brothers won't budge. He tries with all his strength but it doesn't seem to be enough. Jay, for the first time in his eternity, feels weak. He is weak. He struggles even more against the hands that hold him and he wants to cry. When, just when did he stop being able to carry their brothers like they were nothing? When did he stop being able to move mountains for them?
He manages to break free. It's less than a second, a mistake on Niki's part but he takes the opportunity and runs directly to the house. His legs shake and his entire body burns but he has to keep going. He has to save Sunoo. His little brother is in there and he has to save him. A sudden force tackles him to the ground and a pair of strong arms hold him there. No, what is happening? he thinks. He was just a couple of feet away, he has to get to that house. Sunoo is still there, he needs to save him. Let him go, please. You don't understand, his brother is there, he's in danger and Jay has to help him. He can't stay here, he just can't.
Amidst the chaos, he sees Heeseung in the corner of his eye and something breaks. His struggles grow more desperate and relentless and he can faintly hear his brothers talking to him under his own screams to let him go. Please just let him go. Something bad is happening and he needs to fix this, he can fix it if they just let him go. He has to get to Sunoo, whatever it takes. His entire being is screaming at him that something terrible is going to happen if he doesn't get to Sunoo. Why else would Heeseung be on the ground, crying? Why, what on earth could possibly have happened to put his brother in that state?
Niki grabs him by the shoulders and tackles him to the ground and his will finally snaps. He screams, out of agony and fear this time instead out of desperation like he did just moments ago.
"No" he can now make up what Jungwon is saying. "Please no" he repeats like a prayer. He can't wrap his head around the situation. How did they end up here? What was even happening? They had been fine just some hours ago so how, how did this happen?
"Sun-" he hears Heeseung say and his brother breaks down crying, blood-curling screams and wails leaving his mouth and with that, something finally clicks in Jay's mind. Something he wishes it hadn't.
Sunoo is gone.
He jumps out of bed when he hears someone scream. His whole body tenses and he sprints out of his room, running to Heeseung's room as fast as humanly possible. His brother is in danger, he thinks. The scream had come from his room, Jay is sure. His brother is in danger, he's sure of it and he has to get to his side right away.
He opens the door and wants to cry.
Heeseung is sitting on the bed. Tears are streaming down his eyes and he grips his forearms so hard that his knuckles are white. Jay runs to him and hears him whisper between the sobs. "It burns" he says, "make it stop". Jay doesn't know what to do. He's just able to wrap his arms tightly around his brother. He doesn't understand what is happening to Heeseung and it terrifies him. It terrifies him not knowing how to help his brother and Heeseung's sobs are only getting louder. He grabs Heeseung tighter, wraps his right arm around his torso and pulls him closer. His left arm goes to cradle his soft curls, trying to comfort his crying brother. He closes his eyes and tears start falling from his eyes.
They stay in that position for what feels like an eternity. Heeseung takes his arms to his head in a futile attempt to stop the voices. His hands turn into fists and Jay thinks his brother is about to rip his hair off. He slowly grabs his brother's wrists and he gently pulls them. His brother instantly lets go of his hair and instead focuses on Jay.
Heeseung stares at him and Jay breaks a little bit more. His brother's eyes are clouded with pain but underneath that, Jay can see something he doesn't want to. Confusion. Confusion, his brother doesn't recognize him. His black eyes look at him, wide and scared, he doesn't recognize Jay. His mind is so drunk on pain that he no longer knows anything aside from it.
Heeseung stays silent, his whole body frozen aside from his labored breath and the tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Jay" he chokes out and Jay engulfs him in a hug. He feels his brother leaning in and breaking down into sobs again. Soft words of reassurance and empty promises are all Jay can offer him, but no way to soothe his pain.
He prays help comes soon.
"Jay, it's not safe" Jungwon tells him and Jay freezes. Jay grips the axe on his hand harder and lets go of the doorknob.
"I need to make sure there's no one around" he says, not turning around.
"In the middle of a thunderstorm?" Jungwon says and Jay doesn't need to see him to know he's arching an eyebrow. He doesn't answer and his brother sighs. "Please, stay until it clears".
"I can't. What if there's someone out there?" Someone who can hurt them goes unsaid.
"Jay, there's no danger out there. Heeseung had a nightmare, he's not in danger. We're not in danger".
"I can't just stay here and do nothing" Jay says and he feels anger boiling inside him. Not again, he thinks, I won't stand by watching when I can do something. Never again. Jungwon reads his mind because he walks closer and places a hand on the older's shoulder.
"Jay, what happened to Sunoo wasn't your fault" Jungwon says and Jay wants to cry. He knows, they've talked about this before. How it wasn't any of their fault, how none of them could've saved Sunoo, how there was nothing they could've done. Except he could've. If he had been stronger, he would've been able to free himself and get to his brother. If he had been stronger,-
"I could've saved him. I could've-".
"You would've died" Jungwon says and his grip on Jay's shoulder tightens. Jay swallows the lump in his throat and looks to the floor. He focuses on the intricate details of the carpet instead of his thoughts. He tries to make sense of the colorful swirls and designs and to keep his thoughts at bay.
"Jay, I don't think you understand that" Jungwon's voice is serious. "If Niki hadn't caught you the first time, you would've entered that house and died in the fire with Sunoo".
"You don't know that" Jay barks back and turns around. Jungwon doesn't get it. Why does he care so much about him? Does he not care about Sunoo, about his brother's death? What does it matter if Jay is alive when Sunoo is dead? It shouldn't have been Sunoo, no. Anyone but Sunoo and it's his fault. He could've done something but he didn't and now he's here, alive, and his brother is dead. His bones reduced to ashes and he's supposed to be grateful that he himself is alive? It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, it feels wrong. Why did Sunoo have to die and he-
Jungwon is crying.
"His death hurts" Jungwon says, voice glazed with sorrow. "It hurts every breath I take but despite that, I thank every God in the sky that we didn't lose you too".
Jay can't stop the tears from falling. The axe drops to the ground and he takes his hands to his face, wiping his tears only for new ones to fall. He starts sobbing and he feels Jungwon's arms around him. He leans into the hug, wanting to become a small child in his brother's embrace. He wants to get rid of this feeling in his chest that doesn't let him breathe. He grabs his chest as another wave of sobs leaves his lips. Let him breathe. Someone, anyone, tell him how to get rid of the guilt so he can breathe again.
"I should've saved him" he cries out. Jungwon hugs him tighter and takes in a trembling breath. He takes a couple of seconds before he speaks again.
"You know, there's a fine line between sacrifice and self-slaughter".
All he sees is red as his arms wrap around flesh. Someone's neck, he doesn't know who's. All he knows is that he has to kill this person. He pushes forward until the back of the person hits the wall. Great, now they have no escape and he starts to tighten his grip. Is not enough, not yet. No until he sees the light fade from their eyes and the struggles stop. They deserve far worse.
The person who killed Sunoo deserves far worse than this.
Soft hands wrap around his wrists in an attempt to make him stop but he pays no attention. He hears the voice of this monster, apologizing and begging him to let them go. No mercy, he tells himself, he won't show them any mercy. This person killed their brother, how dared them? Killing their brother and then burning down the house he was in. They didn't leave a body for them to bury. Not even ashes to mourn. This monster before him deserves nothing but a cold death.
Frantic footsteps resonate in his brain and moments later, there are a pair of hands wrapped around his fingers and pull, in an attempt to separate them from the monster's neck. He fights back, tightening his grip even more and he hears a dry cough. Only a few more second and-
A second pair of hands comes into the picture and this time he loses the fight.
Arms force him to walk away from Sunoo's killer. Reality slowly starts to settle. Niki holds him, preventing him from going back to the scum that now sits a few meters away. Niki whispers in his ear, possibly words meant to calm him down but he pays no attention. They fall to the ground and his brother grabs him like a koala. Jay stops trying to get to the monster, seeing as there's no way to get past Niki, not anymore.
He focuses on the bastard's face. He tries to memorize every detail. The way their eyebrows frame their face, their black eyes. The way his jaw draws a sharp line and their fair skin, akin to snow itself. Jay makes sure to take note of the shape of his nose and the beauty marks dotted across his face...
Sunghoon's face.
Sunghoon. His younger brother. Sunghoon is sitting across him, panting as he's being comforted by Jungwon. Tears stain his face and he coughs occasionally in between his labored breathing. Red marks that'll soon turn to dark bruises adorn his neck. Jay looks away.
What has he done?
"Come back home" Niki's face is tinted with a blue glow as the remains of sunlight start to fade away from the sky. The soft breeze of the forest caresses the youngest's hair.
"It's getting late Niki" Jay tells him. "You should head back".
"So do you" Niki says and Jay grips the handles of the backpack he's carrying a bit tighter. He doesn't answer, choosing to focus on the forest before him. He had left a couple of hours ago, while his brothers were doing their chores. He had prepared a backpack the night before with clothes and provisions to last him for a couple of days, maybe even weeks if he got crafty. He hopes to find some sign of civilization before he has to. Jay had stayed up late planning out the route through the forest, looking at the map and trying to memorize all the twists and turns he would have to make in order to escape from the claws of the forest.
Niki grabs him by the wrist and, this time, Jay looks at his brother's face.
"Jay, please" he pleads. "Jungwon has been worried sick and-".
"Tell him I'm okay and to leave me alone".
"Jay!" Niki insists.
"Leave me" he roars and pulls his arm in order to force it out of his brother's grasp. Niki takes a couple of steps back and Jay sees the terror in his eyes. Niki is terrified of him and Jay thinks he has the right to. After all, Niki was the one who stopped him from-
He turns around and wants to leave. He has to, before he can cause any more damage. Sunghoon is still locked up in his room, he's sure that Niki has a couple of bruises as well from trying to stop Jay when he was trashing around. No, he has caused enough damage already, to Sunghoon, to Niki and to the rest of his family. His family, his brothers, the parts of his soul he swore to protect. A vow now eroded by time and blood.
"No, Jay please" Niki goes up to him again and grabs him by the wrist again. "I-I didn't mean to, I-..."
"I'm not going back" he says, his voice firm as he voices the decision he took the night after his incident with Sunghoon. It's for their own good, he tells himself.
"Jay, you are family" Niki tries.
"Well it doesn't look like it" he lets out a broken laugh as his eyes fill with angry tears. "I couldn't help Sunoo and I almost-".
"But you didn't".
"We both know that if it weren't for you two, I would've" he says and there's a certain truth to his words, even if they don't want to admit it. None of them dare to think about admitting it because doing so would make it real. "I'm a danger to us, Niki. I'm not going back".
"Jay, please" he begs once more as he tightens his grip around Jay's wrists, too afraid to let go. Jay looks to the ground.
"Niki..."
"No" the younger says and his voice trembles.
"Niki, let go of me".
"No. You can't leave, please. You-" and Niki breaks down crying. It's soft, almost imperceptible to Jay, who's still looking at the ground but he knows. He knows by his brother's labored breaths and occasional gasps and sniffs. Jay looks up but doesn't turn around.
"I can't move mountains for you anymore" he says after a while. "I can't be your cornerstone, Niki. Not anymore. The only thing I'll end up doing is hurting you".
"Jay. We don't need you to be our cornerstone" Niki's voice is raspy. "We... No, I. I need my brother. I need my brother back".
"I'll only end up-".
"You won't. I trust that you won't. I know you won't" his brother says and that seems to be enough to bring the last of Jay's walls down. "Please. Come back to us".
Silent tears start to roll down Jay's eyes and he bites his lips. He tries his best to keep his sobs from coming. Maybe he deserves this, maybe he takes this as his punishment. To be there for them while bearing the memories of his actions like a painful scar. He takes a shaky breath and holds it in for a few seconds, a short eternity, before he lets it out. He nods, the movement barely perceptible but Niki seems to understand him.
"Thank you" the younger says, hugging him from behind. "Thank you Jay. I'm sorry. Please don't leave us".
"I won't Niki. I won't" he promises.
To atone at least.
He plucks the string of the guitar as he feels himself fade away. His mind drifts off and he starts chasing the melody. That melody, he thinks, it's been so long. Too long, in fact. He doesn't remember the first time he heard it, an echo from a better time that was now lost in his memories but Jay remembers. He remembers the feeling as nostalgia settles in his bones each time he plays a note.
Jake walks into the room and pulls him out of his thoughts.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to-" Jake begins.
"Did I wake you up?" Jay asks and his brother shakes his head. Jay knows he's lying but Jake is too kind. Too kind to tell him that he did, so he lies instead.
It's rare to see Jake outside of his room. He's gotten better as time went on but that didn't mean it wasn't a strange view among the family. Jake spends most of his time in his room and when he does go out, he decides to spend time at the beach. Heeseung had told him that the waves calm Jake down, help him forget.
"Please, keep on playing" Jake smiles at him. "I like that melody".
Jay smiles as he turns to his guitar again. He starts playing again and memories slowly start to make their way to him. Not memories precisely, no. They're shadows of memories, the ones you would get when a family member tells you about things you did as a baby. Things you should remember but you don't, so you say you do and pretend. After countless times, you think you actually remember but that's impossible, yet the feelings Jay feels are real. They feel so real yet he doesn't have any memories to pinpoint their origin. Not even a whisper of what once was.
Tears cloud his eyes but he continues. Each note plucks a different string of his heart and he feels so-... so...
A pair of strong arms wrap around him and he drops his guitar. He hugs his brother and wants nothing more than to disappear. Jake rubs soothing circles on his back, whispers of comfort and affirmation leaving his lips.
"It's okay" he tells him. "You can cry" and Jay does. Memories of a time that will never come back, just as the melody had told him. He remembers them, or he thinks he does. He remembers them in the house they grew up in. He remembers the fights, the game nights, the sterile white rooms that they managed to make a home out of. The clock on the wall, the untuned keys of the piano he used to play, the books Jake would read to Niki as their youngest fell asleep, the-
The teddy bear Sunoo would hold on to for dear life whenever he had a nightmare.
He lets out a choked sob in Jake's embrace. He remembers Sunoo. His tender eyes and the way his whole face would light up when he smiled. Jay cherishes the way his skin seemed to shine under the moonlight and the softness of his brother's features, his gentle jawline and the way his hair would fall like silk stripes to frame his face. He remembers him so bright, so soft, so warm and-...
Jake grabs him closer and Jay lets out another sob. He's so tired.
He makes sure his feet stay in the yellow line as he walks down the road. He left about an hour ago, he had intended to get some fresh air but he lost track of his mind and ended up walking down the same road he had walked alongside his brothers long ago.
Back when they were whole and a piece of him wasn't missing.
He looks at the sunset and tries not to think about it but his mind easily wanders back to him, back to Sunoo. His death is still fresh in his mind and the fire burns his face and his soul. It's unfair, he thinks. It's unfair how he was ripped away from them, how raw that felt. So sudden they didn't have time to think about it, no time to beg for mercy, to ask for forgiveness, to apologize for whatever mistake they've made that cost them their Sunoo. No time to say goodbye.
They had no body to bury. Not even his bones remained, consumed by the bright flames that had adorned the darkness of that fatal night. They were left with nothing but their memories to remember him by. Centuries of tenderly crafted memories to remember him by, memories that were fading slowly as the months went by. Jay curses mortality, their memory is not what it used to and precious memories are being erased with every tick of the clock.
Jay looks at the sunset sky as he tries not to dwell on it. There's nothing he can do about it and there's nothing they could've done then, back when Sunoo...
"Sunoo..." he says, looking at the sunset. "We miss you" he begins. The hues of the sunset remind him of the warmth that lived in the eyes of his brother and Jay likes to think that he's closest to Sunoo at times like this.
"It's been hard since you left us, Sunoo".
"Heeseung's nightmares are still there but he's better" he starts. Telling Sunoo about their brothers was something that Jungwon had told him to try out. "Jake told me that he heard you during the fire. Your thoughts still haunt his mind but he's doing better. He likes to go to our greenhouse and he sometimes leaves the house without telling anyone but Jungwon. I think he goes to the forest, he enjoys it".
"Jake is... doing alright" he continues. "He still doesn't leave his room much but we're working on it, I promise. Heeseung takes him to the beach so he gets some fresh air" he reminisces of the time both of his brothers came home soaking wet. Apparently, a wave had taken them by surprise and they ended up bathed in ocean water. Jake's hair even had some algae leaves mixed with his black locks. They were shivering and Niki had run to get some towels but, despite that, Jay could see the smile on their faces. Bright smiles that showed so much happiness that it made Jay smile with them.
"I-" he swallows hard. "I talked to Sunghoon after-" he stays quiet and tries to push the memories away.
Sunghoon had looked like a shell of himself the day Jay had entered his room. The bright sparkle that had once adorned his eyes was gone and Sunghoon stared at the window. He had approached him slowly, trying to maintain the calm that enveloped the room but his brother broke down crying when he was a couple of meters away. He remembers the way he held his brother as he apologized, as he came undone. They both cried rivers that day and they had said so many apologies that their voices and their wills had run out. He pushes the memory away.
"Jungwon is our pillar" he tells him. "He has always been our strength, the reason we're here after you left. He's so strong and I wished he knew he didn't have to".
"Niki has grown so much. So much that it's a little scary. He's not the kid we grew up with and the change terrifies me".
"I'm so sorry Sun" he says, seeing a dark cloud pass by. "I couldn't save you and I'm so sorry. Jungwon told me I would've died if I went there and-" he doesn't finish, the thought left unsaid and buried in the deepest corner of his mind.
"We are learning how to live with the abyss you left behind. It's hard and there are days where I feel like I'm underwater and there's no way to reach the surface. It's asphyxiating" he confesses.
"But I think we'll make it" he says as he looks at the sky, the last rays of sun leaving, leading the space they once occupied in the sky to the stars that begin to shine bright.
Blue skies watch him as he makes his way back to his family.