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Chapter Text

He awoke to the sound of his own voice screaming in his ears - a voice he hadn't heard in weeks (not since his mother cursed him silent). Sirius sat up carefully. He felt his own heart beat under his palm. Sirius inhaled, held the breath, and breathed out slowly. When his vision cleared enough for him to see the dim red hue of the curtains around his bed, he reached out to draw them back.

On his left James slept soundly, glasses carefully placed on his nightstand and wand balanced precariously on the edge. He'd been the one to drag Sirius into their compartment on the train. Sirius had thought the other was still angry with him - that he hadn't 'cooled down' over the summer as he said he would, but it seemed he was wrong (wasn’t he always these days?). James made it very clear that he was still upset about what he did to Remus, but apparently he’d decided to channel what should have been anger into determination. He wouldn't let Sirius isolate himself, he'd said. He was adamant that they'd all had the summer to process and think on it, so Sirius wasn't going to get away with ditching them.

Something bittersweet made a home in the back of Sirius’ throat. He might have laughed if he could make a sound. Five years they’d known each other and his (former? current?) best friend still found ways to throw him for a loop.

He turned his eyes to the bed across from James'.

Peter snored softly, blankets shifting as he turned onto his side. Sirius let out a soft huff of amusement.

Peter. Kind, forgiving, Peter. When he stepped into the compartment (well, been shoved through the door, really) Peter had offered him a smile. A genuine, kind smile - one that only Peter could give. He’d offered Sirius a chocolate frog and scooched over to give him room to sit. Sirius kept his head down and ignored the kind gesture. He had to swallow the lump in his throat again and he shook his head as if that would ward off the memories.

And then there was Remus directly across from him, who slept with a book in his bed, cradled to his chest like a teddy bear. Remus, who bore three more scars from a night spent alone because of Sirius's idiocy.

The lot of them ought to shun him still, but for some reason they didn't. They'd accepted his silence easily and carried on, but they wouldn't let Sirius stray too far from the group. When he loitered on the way into the Great Hall, James caught his elbow and pulled him along.

"Keep up," he’d said with a cheeky grin and went back to chatting with Remus.

At dinner they took to asking him yes/no questions after realizing in the carriage that while he wouldn't speak, he would still respond when addressed directly.

He wondered how they could trust him. He’d ruined their group - destroyed what he had with Remus. His plan had been to continue just like the end of last term, dodging them in the halls and taking extra care to keep his distance in classes. But it seemed they already had a plan to counter his.

Sirius swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He sat himself on the windowsill and watched the sky lighten. He wouldn’t move until he saw the sun on the horizon.

Chapter Text

Sirius was anything but quiet. Everyone in the Black household knew that his voice could rival their mother's on a good day. So when Sirius came off the Hogwarts Express without so much as a peep it was more than a little alarming. Regulus knew about the falling out between the marauders, of course. The whole school knew. But they’d be fine in a week or two, Regulus had thought. He didn’t think it would have such a lasting effect. He didn’t think it would produce…this.

But as silent as Sirius had been off the train, it didn’t quite last. He was volatile, more so than usual, always edging dangerously on their parents’ last nerve. But even then, he did it quietly. Whispered comments under his breath, sidelong looks they both knew better than to give. He was asking for trouble.

When his brother came home that year he was already quieter. Not quite quiet, but quieter.

Regulus should have been happy that his brother had finally taken the meaning of the words ‘shut the bloody hell up’ to heart. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t and he hated Sirius for it even more than he hated himself for not being able to enjoy it.

It felt wrong.

When his mother finally cursed him for the disrespect, Regulus watched his brother scream himself raw. That wasn’t unusual. No, it was typical - expected, even, considering the spectacle he’d made at last night’s dinner. It was almost a relief to hear his brother speak so boldly, like something in him had finally snapped back into place.

Then the blood curdling screams stopped; gone, as if Sirius had vanished.

But he hadn’t. Unnaturally silent, Sirius still thrashed on the drawing room carpet, now clawing at his throat.

Regulus stayed until his mother was satisfied and he remained standing there in the corner long after Sirius had gone still. His brother deserved this, he knew (No. No he didn’t. That’s only what he was told. What he had to believe). He’d needed to watch the punishment and he needed to see the result of it, too. He needed to see where foolish ideals and disobedience would get him.

‘I’m fine, Reggie.’

‘Don’t worry about me.’

‘Quick, go find somewhere to hide.’

While Sirius fought tooth and nail for his beliefs, Regulus had always remained silent. He stuck to the shadows as his brother took every beating with all the spite and hatred he could hold in every fiber of his being. Sirius was a fighter and he took that role to heart, for the both of them. Always for the both of them.

The house was quiet. Much too quiet. Regulus never thought he’d hate silence as much as he did that summer.

He stood outside Sirus’s door. There wasn’t any music playing from the muggle record player Lupin had bought him last year. That in and of itself was quite telling. Rolling his shoulders back, Regulus took a small breath and opened the door without knocking.

He found Sirius lying on his bed, eyes closed as if immersed in a song that only he could hear. Regulus stepped closer until he was only a pace away from the bedside table. “...Sirius.”

His brother jumped and rolled, arms flailing with all the grace of an injured hippogriff as he fell to the floor. “Merlin’s fucking balls, Reggie .” Voice or no voice, Regulus could clearly see the unspoken words on his brother’s face as he pulled himself up off the floor.

Once he was back on his feet, he returned to his bed and fixed Regulus with a glare. “Come to gloat, dear brother? ” he seemed to say.

Regulus frowned but kept his objective in mind. “Well I was going to help you,” he said smoothly, “but if you’d rather stay like this then be my guest.”

Chapter Text

'Wingardium Leviosa!' Sirius mouth the words, flicked his wand, and grinned, absolutely giddy, when the spell worked.

For the first week and a half it felt like he had the lock jaw jinx on him. Starvation wasn't new to him but this time it was hell to take even a sip of water. No one talked about how Sirius couldn't eat. At dinner his parents pretended he wasn't even there. Purposeful indifference hung thick in the air, though of course his mother couldn’t help herself on the first night. She reveled in how she could insult him all she liked and get no back talk in return.

“He’s much more obedient this way," she hummed as if he wasn’t sitting just across from her. "I should have done this when you were a child. Perhaps then you would have turned out better.” And of course that bleeding house elf Kreature stood smugly at his mother’s side. Sirius couldn’t even order him to throw himself out the window.

But while his parents were cold, Regulus took an unexpected approach. At first Sirius assumed he'd paid a visit to rub it in his face - to throw salt on the open, festering wound - so he was more than a little shocked (and disbelieving) when his brother offered help instead of a jinx. What confused him even more was how determined Regulus was to break whatever curse their mother had put on him.

Sirius should have been packing his bags to leave - should have picked up whatever pieces he had left of his pride and begged at the Potters' door. But after what he'd done to Remus, he was sure James didn't want to see him, and he wouldn't bring that kind of shame into his parents’ house. The least he could do to repay their kindness was stay where he belonged. So he’d resigned himself to his usual fate, silenced by the lack of owls from his friends. And now he couldn't even scream to vent his anger.

And then Regulus came along and he was reminded that he wasn’t as alone as he thought. Their unspoken war came to a halt for the first time in years.

At first they would sit in Sirius's room after dinner in silence. It took some convincing before Sirius finally relented and agreed to let Regulus try any number of spells to undo the curse. Every day he grew hungrier and more desperate. When nothing worked they took to the library - cautiously of course. Their father's study was right next door and they had to be wary of the cursed books on every shelf.

It took ten days for Sirius to be able to move his mouth freely. He almost cried at the time. His throat still constricted whenever he tried to make a sound but he’d take that over the last week of practically drowning himself to get a single drop of water through his lips. He grinned so hard his face hurt for hours afterward. He'd picked up Reggie too. And even though Regulus swore and threatened to hex him if he wasn't put down, he couldn't hide the relief in his voice or the smile he'd been trying so hard to hide.

Sirius made sure to eat his fill that night.

He couldn't talk but he could move his mouth and that was enough for now.

At least that's what he thought, but Regulus had other ideas. Now that he could eat, his brother prompted, that also meant he could try spells.

'Reggie, you're a bloody genius!' is what he would have said if the words would leave his throat. Instead he made a wheeze of sorts followed by hacking, silent coughs. They figured out his limitations fairly quickly. He could mouth words, so long as he had no intention to speak them. While nonverbal spells were no easy feat to master, Sirius wasn't among the top of his class for nothing.

It was frustrating not being able to do the most basic incantations, but he used that feeling to throw everything he had into casting each spell.

So with a flick of his wand, he mouthed the words again. 'Wingardium Leviosa!'

The quill went up, gently floating in the air with his guidance. Sirius could feel the smile splitting his face. He looked at Regulus, who had his nose in a book in the arm chair. Sirius didn't think twice about it. Ever so slowly, he brought the quill over to his brother’s face.

He grinned and then barked out a silent laugh at the way Regulus practically flew out of his seat when the feather brushed his cheek. Regulus snatched the quill out of the air, looking murderous.

Things weren't what they used to be before Hogwarts - far, far from it. But right now, Sirius felt just a little more whole. Like he finally found a piece of himself he’d forgotten he was missing.

Chapter Text

He and Regulus split up at the station. They had an understanding of sorts. At home, things were different. At home they had shelter in their rooms - a small freedom from the watchful eyes of their parents. Here, they would have to be more careful.

Regulus boarded first without looking back, but a brush past his shoulder was enough. ‘Goodbye for now’ . It was a small acknowledgement but Sirius would gladly take it. At least he wasn’t completely alone in this.

Sirius was lucky enough to find himself an empty compartment. He sighed through his nose as he settled in and let his head rest on the window as the train began to move. He’d have to find a way to go through his classes without making the teachers suspicious. The end of last term got them used to his silence, so it shouldn’t be that hard…

Sirius jolted upright as the door to his compartment was slammed open.

“There you are!” James bloody Potter exclaimed. Before he knew it he was being pulled along out the door. “I was starting to think you hadn’t got on, you twat! What are you doing sitting all alone, huh?”

‘James,’ Sirius tried to say but his throat closed up before he could make a sound. He tried to break free of the grip on his wrist, but James wouldn’t let up. He brought him right to the open door of a compartment that went silent as soon as they stepped in.

Sirius shifted nervously. James kept a tight grip on him, knowing that if he so much as loosened his hold Sirius would bolt. The silence in the air was thick until James let out a hefty sigh beside him. He turned to face Sirius and leveled him with a serious frown. "Remus has decided to give you a second chance."

Sirius…couldn’t believe his ears. He blinked at James, looked at Peter, then Remus. Was this a prank? Was he dreaming? Maybe he was still in his empty compartment. He’d probably dozed off without realizing.

He looked at James again. This wasn't a joke. Sirius swallowed around the growing lump in his throat but it didn’t go away.

He didn’t know when James and Peter left but all of a sudden he was alone with Remus.

Remus, whose life he could have ruined that night.

For a long time neither of them looked at the other. Until finally, Remus let out a quiet breath. He turned to face Sirius, who stayed standing with his head bowed.

"Look. You're obviously sorry and I think you understand the gravity of what you did.” He took another deep breath, arms folded across his chest. “We won't forget it, but...I know you want to be better. I...I can't say I forgive you yet. Not fully. But I don't want this to be the end for us, either."

Sirius…hadn’t been prepared for that. He’d been awaiting a verbal beat down, if Remus decided to speak to him at all.

Sirius carefully looked up, eyes wide. This...this was more than he would have hoped for. He wanted to grab Remus in a hug, to thank him for being so much as willing to look at him again, but held himself back. It was too soon for that. They weren’t there yet, but now he had the chance to get there again.

Moony gave him a smile, tentative as the silence between them. Sirius allowed himself to grin back.

Chapter Text

The frost melted over the summer. As much as Remus tried to forget, he’d remember Sirius' smile, the joy on his face, the sparkle in his eyes. His friend’s laughter rang in his ears.

Remus wanted to hear it again. His heart still hurt, but with the pain was longing. The latter half of his summer was spent daydreaming, staring out the window, at the ceiling, at the floor - at nothing and nowhere as the lingering flames of anger simmered to ash and the sharp sting of hurt took its place.

Countless letters were scrapped. He didn’t know what to say. What could he, after how things ended? The layer of crumpled up parchment on the floor of his room was a testament to how he couldn't even escape betrayal from his own feelings. Try as he might, Remus Lupin could not forget Sirius Black. But he couldn’t forgive him either. Not yet. Not fully.

To keep himself sane, to have just a taste, a scrap, of what they used to be, Remus decided that the next time he saw Sirius he’d give him a chance.

Remus had heard him out, somewhat, before the term ended. The morning after the...incident occurred, Remus vaguely recalled the babbling of apologies and pleading explanations. But with the blood rushing in his ears, the ache in his bones, and the dawning realization of what they'd just been through - what Sirius had put him and James and Peter and even Severus through - Remus hadn't actually listened to a single word.

He told Sirius to shut up. He told Sirius to get out. He'd told him that he didn't want to see his face or hear his voice ever again. He didn't mean any of that truly, but he was angry and rightfully so. He was upset and heartbroken and so so tired.

He remembered how true to heart Sirius took his words. He'd barely seen the other boy for the rest of term. He sat on the other side of the room in classes, was nowhere to be seen at meals. In the dorms his bed was empty when they all turned in for the night and perfectly made before anyone else woke up.

On the rare occasion they did cross paths Sirius kept his eyes down and shuffled by as quickly as possible. Remus avoided him in turn of course, but as the weeks wore on the silence grew louder. Peter and James tried to lighten the mood, to fill the void, and Remus appreciated their efforts but they could all feel the hollowness in their words.
The Marauders weren't the Marauders when they were missing a member.

Remus hoped they'd be able to talk on the train home, but Sirius didn't show up there either. There was an air of unease in their shared compartment that day and it hung heavy in the gaps when conversation lulled.

The summer passed and none of them heard from Sirius. None of the rejects on Remus’s floor went out, and of course he didn’t get anything in return.

Sirius Black was bold and daring. The loudest in the room, all eyes turned to him when he walked in, his presence demanding attention. He was confident and rowdy, every move he made as sure as the last.

This...wasn't his Sirius.

The Sirius in front of him now was little more than an echo of what Remus was used to. This wasn't even the Sirius he’d seen last term. The Sirius he knew was always moving in some way. He'd shift his weight around, tug at his clothes, mess with his hair. Even when he'd been quiet Remus could tell he was there. This Sirius...this Sirius reminded him of their first year. Before he'd broken out of his shell. Before he felt safe enough to fully relax around his peers. Before he chose to break away, to unlearn everything he'd been taught to be, and lead his own life proudly.

Remus could see it in the way he stood, the way his shoulders were hunched, eyes downcast, not even daring to glance in Remus's direction. Something in his chest took hold and squeezed at what he was seeing.

Sirius should be relieved to be out of that house. He should have barged through the compartment door and collapsed over Pete and James in the most dramatic fashion and lamented how dearly he missed them all. Instead, he'd been dragged in by James and now stood rooted in the spot James had left him. He was too still. Too quiet.

Remus had to tear his eyes away. He needed to collect himself. He needed to let Sirius know that he wasn't as alone as he was sure Sirius felt.

So Remus took in a slow breath, gathered the resolve he’d built up and torn down and pieced back together over the summer, and spoke to him. It broke Remus’s heart a little to see the hope in his friend's eyes and Remus realized with a shock that this was the first time he'd spoken to Sirius since then. He'd gone months lost in his own head, drowning alone in his own emotions. He’d hardly thought about how Sirius must have been drowning too.

But even as Sirius silently thanked him, there was still something odd. Peter and James returned and Sirius stayed with them. He warmed up to them on the train ride, strained muscles relaxing gradually as they all caught up. But even when the trolley lady came by, when they started getting changed, when they got off at the Hogsmeade station and picked a carriage to board, Sirius hadn't said a single word.

As weird as it felt, Remus assumed he needed time to readjust. They all did, really, so Remus could hardly blame him for that. They’d just have to get used to each other again and they’d have plenty of time for that. Their group wasn’t quite whole again just yet, but at least they had their missing piece back.