Archive of Our Own

In hindsight, Nick really wished he’d never invited Charlie onto the rugby team. It was a dangerous sport, he knew that. He’d been desperate to find a way to hang out with Charlie more, long before he realised he had a crush. And Charlie could easily handle his own; he was stronger than anyone gave him credit for, significantly less fragile than one might believe, even Charlie himself. Nick knew that. And he also knew that, in some ways, rugby really was great for Charlie. Not just because of Nick, but because of the team aspect, the sport itself, being able to play alongside people who’d come to accept him as so much more than the gay nerd he still very much was. It was great for Charlie, actually, being on the team. 

It was also awful. It was terrifying some days, watching Charlie face off with players who were sometimes twice his size. Nick wished he could be a barrier between Charlie and anything that could hurt him. He knew he couldn’t be. And Charlie would absolutely hate it if he tried. 

Still, it was difficult. Especially when Nick didn’t even know what happened. 

They were playing against another team of big, strong boys who could bowl Charlie over with incredible ease. And, of course, Charlie easily held his own, jumping up from tackles and throwing himself back into the match, racing up and down the pitch with impressive speed. Nick didn’t really worry about him very often; after over a year of playing together, and everything Charlie had endured, Nick knew better than to fret on Charlie’s behalf over something like this. 

Nick was focussed on the match, only the match, with their team just a few points ahead and very much wanting to keep it that way. He’d just thrown the ball behind himself at another player in blue, and was still running up the pitch, when, all of a sudden, there was a commotion. 

Nick turned around, spying the crowd closer to the opposite end of the pitch. The game stalled, Nick jogged over. The boys on his team parted the second they saw him, though he still had to push through opposing players to get to the center. 

Charlie was laying on the ground, shirt a mess of dirt, his hand pressed to his head as a medic talked to him. Nick immediately fell to his knees beside him, taking his free hand. 

“You’re gonna be fine, lad,” the medic was saying. 

Charlie nodded with a strange smile, almost a grimace, but still looked relieved. “Thank you, sir.”

The medic nodded and, with Nick’s assistance, helped Charlie into a sitting position. Charlie winced but easily stood, leaning into Nick as he did. 

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Nick muttered in his ear. Charlie gave him another weird smile and an almost imperceptible nod. Nick helped him to the bench, but he knew he couldn’t stay. 

“Go on,” Charlie told him. “I’ll be alright.”

Nick nodded. By the end of the evening, Charlie really did seem fine, and the tackle almost slipped from Nick’s mind entirely. His boyfriend wasn’t fragile and he was so much stronger than anyone believed. But Nick knew; he knew Charlie’s strength rivaled Hercules himself. 

***

Charlie was already regretting coming to school today. His head was aching fiercely, but he knew that if he stayed home his mum wouldn’t let him see Nick. And the only thing Charlie could think of to make himself feel better was a hug from his very wonderful boyfriend. Unfortunately, that hug had to come with a full day of classes. In the morning, Charlie thought it was a fair trade, but as his migraine got significantly worse before he’d even seen his boyfriend, he was already seriously reconsidering if he could call it quits and go back home. 

“Charlie!”

Too slowly, he recognised the shout of his name and turned around. There was a boy coming towards him, handsome, with hair that seemingly changed colours under the light. The boy was walking towards him with confidence. 

Oh. Wait. It was Nick. 

Charlie smiled at his boyfriend, anxiety itching at the back of his mind. He shoved it down; Nick was getting closer, and he was wrapping his arms tight around Charlie and kissing the top of his head, right where the worst of the migraine was. It was okay. Charlie’s little lapse was probably because he hadn’t slept well, and he easily forgot it. 

“You’re looking a bit under the weather,” Nick commented as he observed him. 

Charlie bristled. “Well, hello to you, too.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Nick rushed, too loudly. Everything was too loud. “I just meant… Did you sleep well?”

Truthfully, no, but the question was already pissing him off more than he could explain. “What’s it matter to you?”

Nick looked so incredibly hurt. “Char—“

Charlie shoved his arms off him. “God, just leave it alone.”

He stomped off, his headache coming back quickly. He couldn’t quite explain the frustration he was feeling. He didn’t know where it came from and he didn’t know at all how to make it go away. 

As he walked into form, he was a bit disappointed to find Nick wasn’t there yet. He couldn’t entirely remember why he’d come in on his own, just knowing he had, but he had a feeling that seeing Nick could very easily calm the anger buzzing under his skin. 

He waited, time getting lost as boys filtered through the door. Finally, after a minute or two—or fifteen, according to his phone—Nick walked through the door, looking as beautiful as ever, if apprehensive. 

“Hi,” Charlie greeted with a smile. 

Nick looked confused. “Um. Hi?”

He seemed anxious, and like he sort of didn’t want to be here with Charlie. The realisation hurt so much more than he’d expected. He stuffed down the tears. “Is everything okay?”

Nick gave him a look like he was absolutely insane. “You… were mad at me.”

Charlie blinked at him. He remembered the strange anger floating in his chest, but he didn’t think he’d had a reason. Either way, it’d faded the second he saw his boyfriend’s beautiful face. “I dunno what you’re talking about,” Charlie said honestly. 

And that confusion and anxiety melted into a fierce concern. “What d'you mean?”

“Alright!” Mr. Farouk yelled, making Charlie wince. It stabbed through his migraine, bursting to life behind his eyes, at the back of his head, where it ached, and—

“Char,” Nick whispered. It sounded like it wasn’t the first time. Hesitantly, he asked, “Are… are you alright?”

Charlie tried to smile, but he wasn’t sure if he succeeded. Still, he said back, “M’fine.”

Nick gave him a strange look, but didn’t press the issue. Charlie was glad for it, drifting away into his head, consumed by the throbbing at the base of his skull, behind his eyes, slow but incessant. 

Nick nudged him and Charlie looked over at him, eyes wide. “What?” He asked, too tense. 

Nick’s brows raised, but he only looked more concerned. “Mr. Farouk called your name. For role.”

Charlie looked over at the teacher, who was staring at him with a strange look on his face. It took a second for Charlie to recognise him. And then, dumbly, he said, “Here, sir.”

Mr. Farouk nodded slowly before turning back to the sheet. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Nick whispered. 

Charlie nodded, and quickly lost himself in time. Before he knew it, the bell was ringing for next period. 

Charlie carried himself through the day, his migraine a constant weight on his neck. He couldn’t say what he learnt in class, couldn’t even say if he was in the right ones. 

For break, he went on autopilot to the one place he’d always felt safe. He wandered the halls, trusting his feet to remember the way, because his brain seemingly couldn’t. 

“Charlie?”

Charlie startled and turned around, finding himself face-to-face with Mr. Ajayi. “Oh. Hi.”

Mr. Ajayi nodded. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Charlie told him. “Just…” He shrugged and looked around. For some reason, he had no clue where he was. He’d been going to this school for five years now, but he couldn’t figure out where he was. 

“Charlie?” Mr. Ajayi said. 

Charlie looked back at him, then around himself again, and realised he was here, right at the art room. He’d walked right past it earlier. Probably would’ve kept walking if Mr. Ajayi hadn’t stopped him. 

“Sorry,” Charlie said, irritated with himself. “I’ve been sort of distracted, I guess.”

“That’s alright,” Mr. Ajayi said slowly. “Do you want to spend your break in my room?”

Charlie nodded, relieved, and followed the art teacher through the door. He immediately went to his favourite corner, making himself small. He considered eating, but the thought of food made him want to throw up. But not in an anorexic way; in a physically sick sort of way. Charlie pushed the thought aside, leaving his prepacked lunch in his backpack. Instead, he pulled out his phone, but the screen was incredibly bright even when turned all the way to its lowest setting. The colours burned into his retinas, stabbing through his eyes and worsening his headache. He put his phone away, figuring one lunch where he didn’t talk to Nick wouldn’t be the end of the world. 

Instead, he rested his head on his knees, drifting into a light doze. 

***

Nick really tried not to be worried. He knew Charlie hated when he hovered—further evidenced by the way he’d snapped at Nick twice today—and he really didn’t have a lot to go off of anyway. Charlie was a bit tired and had a headache. That wasn’t a big concern. He was maybe a bit (okay, a lot) irritable, but that could just have been because he was in pain at school. 

Still, when Nick asked after school if Charlie was still up for their meet-up with their friends, he agreed. Well, at first he looked blankly at Nick, not comprehending the question, then after three more repetitions, he agreed. It was strange and deeply off-putting. But, well, maybe a milkshake would help. 

They walked hand-in-hand in time with the rest of their group. Nick offered Charlie his sunglasses when he noticed he was still squinting at the sun, despite how cloudy it was. At first, Charlie got pissed and snapped at Nick; then, less than a minute later, Charlie asked if he could borrow the shades Nick wasn’t wearing, and he seemed perplexed when he got weird comments from everyone about his outburst. It left Nick feeling wrong-footed around Charlie for the first time in, well, ever. Still, he left Charlie at the picnic table with Darcy, Isaac, and Elle as the rest of them lined up to order milkshakes. 

“What’s going on with Charlie today?” Tao asked. 

Nick looked over at his boyfriend, who was staring blankly at Elle as she and Darcy spoke. He sighed. “I’ve got no clue.”

Nick ordered his and Charlie’s milkshakes and waited for them before finally getting back to his favourite spot: beside Charlie. 

“What’s going on?” He asked. 

Charlie looked up at him. “Hm?”

There was something about his gaze that was strange. His eyes looked a bit glassy, and… empty. There were so many adjectives Nick could use to describe Charlie Spring, but thoughtless was not one of them. Himself, maybe, but certainly not his brilliant, nerdy boyfriend, Charlie. But, here he was. Nick didn’t think Charlie’s brain was working right. It set him on edge in a way he’d not been in a while. 

They all seemed to keep tabs on him as they drank their shakes and talked. Charlie only had a few sips, only when prompted, and didn’t speak the whole time. It was so unnerving. 

Finally, when they said Charlie’s name four times without a response, Nick had enough. He stood, gathering his and Charlie’s things. “Alright, that’s it. I’m taking you home.”

Charlie looked at him, brows furrowed like he couldn’t understand Nick at all. Slowly, he repeated, “Home?”

Nick nodded, wary. “Home, Charlie. I’m taking you home.”

“Home,” Charlie repeated again, like it was a foreign word. “T’king y’ome.”

Nick’s breath stuttered. “Char. What’s going on?”

Charlie wrinkled his nose like he smelt something bad. “Wha…”

Nick stared at his boyfriend, trying desperately to solve the puzzle in front of him before it was too late. Because Nick was getting more and more certain that this had a clock on it, ticking down to something awful. 

“Charlie.” His voice was somehow even, but his heart was erratic in his chest. “Charlie, do you need a hospital?”

But Charlie didn’t hear him. He was still scrunching up his nose in distaste. In any other situation, Nick probably would’ve found it cute. Now, it just set alarm bells off in his head. 

He opened his mouth to speak again—what he’d say, he didn’t know—when Charlie’s eyelids fluttered and he sagged backwards—

Nick lurched forward, catching him before he could slouch far enough to fall off the bench. He grunted at the impact and the awkward angle. God, he was fucking terrified, but he couldn’t think about that now. He couldn’t think about it at all, because Charlie was in his arms, unconscious and—

Nick swallowed back his panic and carefully dragged his boyfriend over the seat of the bench, grateful there wasn’t a back. He easily laid Charlie on his back, head rested in Nick’s lap as he sat on the ground with him. 

“What’s going on with him?” Elle asked desperately. Nick wished more than anything that he had answers. He wished everyone gawking would go away, just leave Nick and Charlie and their friends. He wished this could be a normal day. He wished whatever was happening didn’t have to happen. 

“Should we call 999?” Tara asked. 

“Not yet,” Tori said, albeit reluctantly. Nick was glad she was here; usually, she wouldn’t come, but Charlie knew how to sway his older sister. Nick couldn’t quite explain the relief he felt, knowing she was there, too. 

Nick felt Charlie twitch slightly, barely, and looked back down at his boyfriend, still lying prone in his lap. 

Nick realised, as he was holding him, that Charlie was tense. Incredibly tense, actually. He was stiff as a board on the ground, hands clenched into fists, teeth grinding together. His brows knitted together, perspiration forming on his skin. 

This was not a normal fainting spell. Not for Charlie; not for anyone. 

“He’s waking up.” Tao said. He pointed to Charlie’s face, where his eyelids were fluttering slightly. His right hand twitched, just barely. 

Nick looked down at his boyfriend, who was somehow even more stiff now. A part of Nick wondered if he’d be able to move him at all if he tried. But, Tao was right; Charlie was seemingly waking up. His eyelids were fluttering, and his right hand was twitching against the ground. Nick breathed a sigh of relief; it was over. 

“Come on, Charlie,” he said softly, running a finger across his lover’s sweaty forehead. “Come back to me, love, it’s okay.”

Charlie grunted, a quiet sound that Nick might have missed if he wasn’t so in tune with his boyfriend. But Charlie didn’t respond to his voice at all. Well, maybe that wasn’t true. The twitching of his hand increased, extending to his elbow now, and his eyelids were fluttering more. 

Something was wrong. Nick knew something was wrong. This wasn’t how Charlie fainted—and Nick hated that he even knew that. But Charlie collapsed and always went like a ragdoll into Nick’s arms, pliant and loose-limbed. He spent a few minutes like that before he clawed himself back to consciousness and was seemingly fine. This wasn’t how Charlie had ever been before. 

His right arm twitched more firmly. 

“Oh, my God,” Nick gasped. 

Charlie’s right foot jerked violently. 

“Oh, my God!” Nick scrambled for his phone, quickly dialing the emergency number. 

Charlie's whole body seized. 

“Please,” Nick whimpered pitifully into the phone. “My boyfriend’s having a seizure!”

“Okay,” the woman responded carefully. “Has he had one before?”

“No!”

“Alright. Keep his head cushioned and try to loosen any tight clothing around his neck, like a tie. Tell me your location.”

Frantic, Nick thrusted his phone in the direction of his friends. “Talk!” He shouted, fingers scrambling at Charlie’s tie. He heard Tara give their location to the operator as he got Charlie’s tie loose, undoing the button at his throat to be certain. Somewhere, he was aware that she was giving them more information, but Nick was deaf to it all. 

Charlie shook violently against the ground, head repeatedly hitting Nick’s thigh. His hands and feet swung about, occasionally hitting something hard enough to bruise. Nick cried as he watched, terrified. 

It was an eternity. It had to have been. Nick just sat there, watching his boyfriend have a seizure, body and limbs jolting against the ground. Nick continued to cry, just watching, sobbing. Eventually, the repeated jerks of his body started to slow. 

“I think it’s slowing down,” he said, eyes locked on his boyfriend. Tara repeated the information into the phone. 

“Okay,” he heard the operator say. Tara must have put the phone on speaker, holding it nearby. “Tell me when he’s stopped moving.”

Another long time passed, Charlie’s limbs still twitching uncontrollably, before he finally lay there, prone form sagging into the ground. 

“It’s over,” Nick breathed. 

“Okay, good,” the operator said calmly. “The ambulance is almost there. For now, Charlie may wake up, but he may be very confused and emotional. This is normal; it’s called the postictal phase. It’s normal, too, if he’s lost control of bladder or bowel movements.”

On instinct, Nick glanced down, noticing a wet spot on Charlie’s pants. He felt like throwing up. 

“What do we do?” He asked pitifully. 

“Just keep him comfortable.”

As if on cue, Charlie’s eyes opened. He was sluggish, and moved like his body weighed tonnes. 

“Charlie?” Nick asked. “Char, can you hear me?”

Charlie’s gaze rolled around, eyes filling too quickly. He whimpered, tears sliding down his cheeks. Nick sobbed lightly. He hated seeing Charlie so miserable. 

“Charlie, it’s okay,” he said, though he didn’t sound very convincing. “You’re okay, Charlie.”

Finally, Charlie’s wandering gaze found Nick. He began to cry harder. 

“Oh, love,” Nick cooed. He combed his fingers through Charlie’s hair. “It’s okay, Charlie. You’re okay.”

He continued to cry, making soft sounds of distress that Nick couldn’t soothe no matter how hard he tried. He kept his gaze locked on Nick’s face, just crying and crying. Nick tried to keep him calm, tried to talk to him, but nothing worked. Nick felt so helpless. 

Nick recognised the sounds of sirens piercing through the air, getting closer. It wasn’t long before they cut out entirely, and Nick looked up to find the ambulance in front of him. The medics rushed out of the ambulance, professional and precise. They surrounded them, edging between Charlie and their friends. Horrifically, one of the paramedics tugged Nick away, gently resting Charlie’s head on the ground as he pulled Nick away from him. Charlie began to sob in earnest, head lolling to the side. 

His words slurred as he cried, over and over, “Nick.”

“Please,” Nick said desperately to the medic. “Please, he’s scared, let me go to him, please—“

“I’m sorry,” the medic said, and he did genuinely sound apologetic. “But we need room to work and passengers aren’t allowed on the ambulance, anyway. You’ll have to meet him at the hospital.”

“But he’s so scared,” Nick sobbed. Charlie was looking around, sluggish and afraid, crying out Nick’s name. He was surrounded by strange people who were hooking him up to different wires and machines, rolling him onto a gurney. 

The medic with Nick sighed. “Look, to be completely honest, I know he’s scared right now. And I know this won’t help much, but he’s not going to remember this. So, he may be upset now, but he’s not going to have any memory of it by the time you see him again.”

Nick wrapped his arms around himself, watching as they efficiently loaded Charlie into the ambulance. Charlie cried harder, slurring still, “Nick. Pl’se, Nick.”

“Can I say goodbye to him?” 

The medic considered him, then looked over at Charlie. Then, he nodded. 

Nick quickly jumped into the ambulance, ignoring the protests from the other paramedics as he took Charlie’s hand and put his face in Charlie’s line of vision. Charlie immediately relaxed, sobbing still. 

“It’s gonna be okay, love,” Nick told him softly. He used his free hand to brush away Charlie’s tears. “You’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Nick,” he slurred. 

“I know,” Nick whispered. He leant down and pressed a gentle kiss to Charlie’s forehead. “I’m sorry, love. But I promise you’re safe. Promise.”

He pulled away. Charlie tried to grip Nick’s hand tighter, but he didn’t have the strength. “Nick?”

“You’ll be okay, love,” he said again. “You’re safe. They’re gonna take care of you. I’ll come find you.”

On a whim, Nick slipped off the bracelet his always wore. Olly had given it to him for his birthday, a simple threaded bracelet that he hoped Charlie would be able to keep with him while he was alone. He slipped it onto Charlie’s wrist and rested his other hand on the bracelet so Charlie could feel it. 

“You keep that with you, and know that I’ll come back, okay? You’ll be safe, Charlie. I love you so much.”

A few more tears slipped from Charlie’s eyes. Nick brushed them away with his thumbs and pressed another kiss to his forehead. “I love you,” he murmured, then allowed himself to be pulled away. 

He stepped back off the ambulance to where two medics were asking his friends for context. Unfortunately, they didn’t have much. 

“Can anyone think of anything else?” One of the medics was asking. 

Nick bit his lip as he considered his boyfriend’s behaviour. “He’s been acting off all day. Snappish and confused. And he’s had a migraine.”

“And can anyone think of anything that could have caused this?” The other medic asked. 

Nick thought about it, he thought about Charlie. “There was a rugby match yesterday. He got tackled. But he was able to walk it off pretty easily and the medic said he was fine. I didn’t see it happen, I didn’t think he’d hit his head, but now, I… I dunno.”

The medic took in the information with a nod. They told them to what hospital they’d be bringing Charlie, and, all too soon, the ambulance was gone, taking Nick’s heart with it. 

***

The next few hours were a haze. Someone had called Tao’s and Nick’s mums. The two women showed up and split the group in half, taking them to the hospital where the medics said they’d bring Charlie. The mothers sat with them as they waited for Charlie’s parents. Nick explained the events to Jane and Julio Spring. Then, it was a waiting game. 

Another hour or two had passed before a doctor came to fetch Charlie’s parents, bringing them back. Julio promised them updates through Sarah, but they were sparse. Mostly, Julio continued to inform them that Charlie was still asleep and the doctors were waiting for test results. 

Nick stayed curled up into his mum, and everyone was quiet as they waited for better news. He kept replaying that awful day in his head. Was there anything he could pinpoint as a sign? Sure, Charlie had been acting strangely. He’d had a headache. But shouldn’t Nick have been a bit more concerned? There must have been something that could have signaled the impending attack. 

(Nick couldn’t call it what it was. It was a big word, terrifying. Maybe soon he’d be able to say it, or even think it. But he couldn’t right now. It felt like enough to choke him to death.)

Julio surfaced some time later. He told them that Charlie was awake and very insistently asking for Nick. Nick scrambled to his feet and followed his boyfriend’s dad through the hospital, anxious about what he’d find. 

Charlie looked exhausted. The staff had swapped his clothes for a typical hospital gown, highlighting the pallor of his skin. His eyes were pronounced by their redness, further emphasised by the dark circles beneath. Electrodes were everywhere, attached to his arms, his chest, his neck, his head. It was almost as terrifying as when Charlie had been seizing. 

But Charlie was smiling at him, tired but genuine. Nick made it to his side, taking his hand. 

“Hi,” Charlie whispered. 

“Hi,” Nick replied. He was sure everyone could hear the relief in his voice. 

Charlie sighed. “I apparently have a concussion.”

Nick blinked at him. “Oh.”

That, he supposed, made sense. Charlie was healthy—or, at least, not unhealthy in the sense that he’d have a seizure. He’d been fine yesterday. Of that, Nick was certain. 

“So, what do we do?” Nick asked timidly. 

“I stay here for a few days.” Charlie pouted. “I hate it here.”

Nick smiled. “I know, love. But you need to get better so you don’t have another—“ He cut himself off. He still couldn’t say it. 

Charlie observed him for a while. “Mum said you were there.”

Nick nodded slowly. “Yeah. You collapsed and then… it happened.”

They were quiet. Then, “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“It’s not your fault,” Nick replied quickly. “You can’t apologise for that. You didn’t ask for this.”

“Still,” Charlie said with a shrug. He sighed. “The doctors said I hit the back of my head yesterday. I don’t remember that. And mum saw a text I’d gotten from Otis. He said I’d apparently passed out for a few seconds. That’s why everyone was around me.”

Nick shook his head. “I didn’t even know.”

“You can’t know everything that happens on the pitch,” Charlie said. “You can’t know everything that happens to me.”

I wish I could. Nick wanted to say it, but he didn’t. He was still reeling from the day. From Charlie’s strange moods and behaviours to the way he’d collapsed like a board, to the way he’d seized for so long. Nick wanted to forget it. 

“I love you,” he said. He couldn’t say anything else he wanted to say. He couldn’t say anything else he was thinking. 

Charlie smiled all the same. “I love you, too.”

For now, Nick supposed, that was enough. It had to be.