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Whether Matt is seen as ‘intense’ and ‘extreme’ or as ‘quiet’ and ‘boring’, does it really make a difference to him?
It got so hard sometimes, even he can’t hold up with it. Thousands of people see themself in Matt, but he disagrees. I mean, of course he does. Matt is his own individual person and he knows that, he knows and talks a lot about it too. On easier and humorous terms or digging a bit deeper into knowing yourself as a person and mental health struggles.
He knows, but at the same time he doesn’t. Was he the gentle type that his fans made him out to be? Or are the hidden intensity of his insane jokes actually him? He doesn’t really know, but he’s slowly filling the gaps - or he keeps repeating that to himself as a temporary consolation when he’s not even close to discovering any clues that could fill the void inside of him.
To be honest, he likes to call it ‘the white space’ inside of him, because ‘void’ sounds too corny, but then again everything he says is corny in one way or another. Describing it with strings sewn so tightly in his insides, the only thing keeping him together otherwise he’d be shattered is also an option.
Life just decided to take some rough tolls on him from time to time. It could be that he’s only thinking of this because of a long day tomorrow that he has no motivation for or because he’s simply tired of it.
Matt was that kind of person. He gets annoyed easily when he’s so demotivated or whenever he starts to think a bit too much. He hates that, hates it, but can’t help it. He was upset for feeling this way, but can you blame him? Why did he have to fucking feel like this? Who wouldn’t be this upset if you can’t catch a break? He always found himself asking questions on why it had to be him out of all people that go through this shit. It’s useless though, he knows he’s wrong. Everyone has their own set of problems, but he can’t help feel this way and he hates himself for it.
Reality comes back to him and he’s sitting at the drivers seat as Chris beams a smile at Nick while they speak back on forth, cutting each other off a few times. Matt just watches them again, biting his nails as his mind is occupied with other issues at the moment, he tries to calm himself down from his previous thoughts. Not the best idea to alert any unusual behavior to the camera. He feels a bit more tired after thinking about these things especially when he’s stupid enough to dive into his thoughts during a video. In all honesty, he wanted to punch the dashboard of his car until his knuckles bleed in a way to feel something.
Luckily, Nick turns his head to Matt after rolling his eyes at Chris’ statements. “Matt, just say what you think then.” For a second, Matt relaxes a bit. He takes that as an opportunity to escape from his mind and a way to find peace from his anger. He finally wants to take this chance to include himself in the recording and talk to his brothers about silly things and then argue about their opinions. So Matt sits up a bit and turns his head back to Nick, opening his mouth to speak until he gets cut off at his first word. “Also Chris, you didn’t even—“
“ Shut the fuck up! Do you ever stop talking? How do you ask me something only to cut me off 5 seconds later? How the fuck do you expect me to answer you? Because then you’re whining when I’m not talking at all! But then this shit happens and—…“
It’s so terribly quiet. It feels like all the background noise stopped with his yell. Chris giggle immediately cut off and Nick stared at Matt, because he could tell this wasn’t just about the fact that he didn’t get to speak. It felt so much more personal, which is why he also didn’t quickly yell back into Matt’s face, especially not when he noticed his veins popping out at his neck and his shaky voice, especially not when he slowly started to slump back in his seat as his voice faded out without finishing his sentence, especially not when Matt slurred at his last words while his eyes welled up, choking back whatever wanted to flee out of him.
It’s funny, he goes from sadness to anger then back to sadness, like an endless cycle.
Matt slowly looked down to his lap as he hid his face. He wanted to disappear in his seat. Nick didn’t deserve that for simply wanting to add something to his last sentence, resulting him to witness Matt’s breakdown. And god, don’t even start with Chris. Matt couldn’t possibly bear to see how Chris was staring at him right now. His head was still lowered as he put his hands over his eyes, drying the sudden wetness, until he feels someone’s hand on his shoulder.
“Matt—“
“Sorry, I’m really sorry.”
He also hates his tendency to apologize at everything. He really doesn’t want to hear their worries, he can’t take that right now. He feels their burning stare on him. It burns. One way to make this whole situation worse is knowing how he did that on camera. Nick will have to edit it out and the video would have to be shorter than usual.
“I need some fresh air.”
He takes it as excuse and opens the car door, shutting it close behind him as he distances himself a bit from the vehicle, breathing in the cold night air. Matt lifts his head to stare up at the moon or trying to prevent his tears from falling, whichever you prefer. Maybe both.
He’s ashamed. He’s ashamed that he felt some kind of relief from yelling at Nick. He’s ashamed that it felt good to let his emotions burst out on someone else. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a few seconds and then lets it exit his nostrils. He has no valid reason to be upset right now, no reason to have yelled at Nick or anyone like that. The strings in his body holding him together are starting to rip.. or they’re pulling too tightly, slowly slicing his limbs off to make sure he feels each and every bit of it. Why does he need to feel any more than he already did? He already felt so much that he feels like throwing up. His stomach twists at the thought.
He wonders how much time has passed and if he should get back inside the car to mumble a “I’m fine” when everyone can see past the facade. Matt ignores the sounds of two car doors shutting as his back is still turned against the others. He tried to distance himself from that one specific thought, but subconsciously it always had been living in his head, eating away at him. ‘A boring person.’
He feels their chin on his shoulder as their arms softly wrap around his body and Matt just wants to turn around and cry into their shoulders. Matt should’ve known better than to hide from his brothers. They know he hates being questioned, they know he can switch his mood in a heartbeat. He shouldn’t ever have doubted them, maybe he never did. It’s Matt after all, who knows? His mind is always playing tricks on him. Yet he knows that his brothers are the ones who know him better than he does himself.