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Ash was up late thinking about his past.
Well, more accurately, Ash stayed awake thinking about his past. How his baseball couch's hands felt on him. How Dino's hands felt on him. How all those clients hands felt on him-
He was thinking about it all. Groping, prodding, touching, feeling, the searing pain, how dirty he is, the sensation just won't leave him. No amount of burning, pinching, biting, scratching or cutting could ever remove it.
At least he was only thinking about it. If he was asleep, he’d be feeling it over and over again until he inevitably woke up.
Not to mention he’d wake up tired regardless of whether he stayed up till he passed out. This is definitely better.
It was 10 years ago this day that Ash had been raped for the first time. He was just a little boy, a little boy who wanted to play baseball so that he could show his big brother, his dear big brother Griffin, how much he had improved by the time that he came back from the war. If only he knew. If only he knew that Griffin would return but never be the same ever again. If only he knew that any efforts he made were futile as Griffin would never be able to recognise him again. If only he knew his dedication was asinine as he would never be able to pick up a baseball bat after what his coach did.
If only he knew it would ruin his childhood. His life.
He lay his head in his hands.
Maybe if he was thinking logically, he'd pick up the phone and call Eiji. Realistically, he knows that Eiji wouldn't be mad, and that he wants to help regardless of the time, but Ash can't help feeling like Eiji hates him for it and is going to abandon him. They've already had fights, where Ash misinterpreted something Eiji said and thought Eiji hated him as a result, making Ash lash out against Eiji, retreat, lash out against himself, and then go crying and begging for forgiveness. Begging Eiji to not leave him.
The fight was over something stupid anyway. He knew that. Ash *knew* that. That didn't stop him from fighting with Eiji. He thought Eiji had been ignoring him, the thought being enough to make his heart sting with pain. That heartache quickly became anger, then sadness, and isolation. Once Eiji had figured out that Ash was actively avoiding him and not picking up any phone-calls he had been making, he came over for a visit while Max, Jessica and Michael were out, initially to talk to Ash about why he was shielding himself away from everyone, but quickly erupting in Ash snapping "why do you care anyway?!" and "you hate me, you've been avoiding me!". As quickly as his fury came, so did the tears as he broke down sobbing hysterically, clinging onto Eiji's sleeve, and unable to talk for the rest of the afternoon.
So, yeah. Eiji wasn't an option.
He could always go across the hallway and wake Max up, ask him to stay with him because he doesn't want to be alone right now. He doesn't want to be selfish though. Max has work, and Michael, to deal with. He shouldn't burden others like this, he always does it and it's not fair on them, they shouldn't put up with someone like him, he brings nothing to their lives but stress.
There was Jessica too, but he didn't want to risk triggering her while talking about his memories. With how observant she is, he wouldn't even need to tell her why he was upset, she'd just know. So he can't talk to her either. She has work too, and has to deal with Michael. Her job requires her to get up earlier as well, since she's not a freelance journalist like Max is.
Oh, nothing is going right.
He sat up on his bed, glancing at the covers. There, he sees it. Just for a brief second, but he sees it nevertheless. His coach, lying there, right beside where he's sat.
It was only brief. He’s not actually there. He can’t hurt him now.
‘...Maybe I should get a glass of water’.
Standing up, he slowly shifts towards his door, opening it quietly to avoid anyone waking up, despite his desperation to talk to someone.
The hallway is littered with family photos. When Max and Jessica had first taken Ash in, the photos had only consisted of Michael, Max and Jessica, but slowly, more and more photos have been added including Ash.
While it brings him a certain amount of happiness he never thought he'd be able to afford, he just doesn't get it. What does he even bring? He disturbs their sleep, disturbs their day, all because he can't just grow up and get over it all. His pure and utter selfishness, it just brings down everyone. The amount of times he's dragged them into his stupid arguments with Eiji, hell, even feeling like they hate him at times and doing it with them. If it makes him feel utterly miserable, then he knows it must be so much worse for everyone around him.
Just what was his deal? Max and Jessica- as kind as they are- let Ash stay here, rent free, not even asking him to get a job, to just take things easy after everything he's been through, and this is how he repays them? Ash tried his best to be quiet, not cause problems, but it was all futile. Try as he might, when he wasn't battling hallucinations, flashbacks, and nightmares, he was battling his mind, in constant turmoil about if people really love him or if they just want to use him and abandon him like the others. He just, he can't do it again.
Unable to look at the photos any longer, he continued to creep across the floor, so as to not disturb anyone.
Opening the cabinet door slowly to prevent a creak, Ash removed a glass and went to pour some water shakily. With shaky hands, he dropped it right as he was about to turn the tap.
‘Fuck’
A groaning could be heard, before some heavy footsteps making its way to the kitchen.
Ash could feel his heart drop. He knows he’s going to ask questions, and while a part of him is relieved, it’s overshadowed by the overwhelming guilt he feels for waking him up.
“Hey Ash buddy, what are you doing up at this time?” Max asks groggily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Just getting a glass of water.”
“Hmm. Really? Can you turn around and look at me kiddo?”
Sighing, Ash turned around to face Max, looking away. Despite that, he could still hear the concern in Max’s voice. He couldn’t hide his bloodshot eyes or red face, but at least he didn’t have to see the look of concern Max always gives him.
“Aw… What's wrong bud?” He gently cooed.
“It’s nothing, just go back to sleep.” Ash curtly responded.
“Well if it’s nothing, why are you crying? You can’t hide it from your old man y’know?”
Ash could feel himself withdrawing. It’s not like he doesn’t want the attention, he really does, but not like this. He’s just bothering Max, once again. Try as he might, there was no way for him not to be a burden.
Maybe if he just didn’t respond, maybe if he just ran away, maybe if he just killed himself.
Ash stares blankly at Max as his mind rushes with these thoughts.
He attempted before. He knew it was ridiculous to try and pass away in a library. If only she hadn’t phoned the ambulance. He wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this.
He could tie a noose, hang himself on the decaying tree 15 minutes away. He could slit his wrists and lay in the bathtub. He could shoot himself, the same fate he gave Shorter. He could lay out on the train tracks, and wait to get hit. He could walk out in front of some cars.
It would be much better than going through this, whatever this was.
“I already told you it’s nothing.”
Max just gave a small ‘hm’ before edging closer.
“Was it another nightmare?”
“No.”
“Is it about Eiji?”
Ash just rolled his eyes.
“Y’know, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth trying to get an answer from you” Max teased, careful with his tone to avoid Ash interpreting it as frustration or anger. He knew to be patient, to be kind.
“I guess… partially.”
“Is it also about, your past?”
Ash nodded. He felt his lip trembling, and covered his mouth. Squeezing his eyes shut, shoulders heaving as he began to sob loudly into his hand.
The sight was enough for Max to get teary. He truly loved this boy, his boy, and it hurt his heart to see Ash in so much pain.
Max filled a glass of water up for Ash before gently guiding him into the living room, and sitting down next to him, pulling a blanket up.
“Is it okay to hug you?”
Still covering his mouth, Ash turned his face away and stiffly raised his shoulders, unsure of if it would be okay.
“Okay, do you want to be hugged?”
Slowly, anxiously, Ash nodded, truthfully, this is what he wanted all evening, but remained frozen in his position, waiting for Max to hug him. He couldn’t move if he tried. He feared any movement would cause him to cry harder.
There it was. That warmth Max never failed to provide him. Weakly grabbing his shirt, Ash timidly returned the hug, curling into him.
“I love you buddy. You can talk to me whenever you’re comfortable to,”
“I don’t know why I’m like this,” Ash sobbed pathetically.
“Like what?”
“I just get so mad and frustrated so easily, and then I get so sad and I just want to cut myself and kill myself for the silliest of reasons, even now I’m focusing on the fact that I got into a stupid fight with Eiji that I overreacted to instead of the important stuff!”
“What important stuff?”
“Well, it’s been ten years since coach… you know, and I get so overwhelmed and I mean, I literally hallucinated him being next to me on my bed!”
“That’s really concerning bud, I think that’s something we’re gonna have to bring up to your therapist yeah?”
Ash just nodded into him.
“I still don’t get why I focus on such small stupid things. Maybe I’m just dumb and sensitive.”
“You’re not dumb or sensitive. Do you think maybe it’s because you’re not used to having to sweat the smaller stuff?”
Ash stopped sniffling for a second.
“Huh?”
“Well. Think about it. Most of your life has just been severe abuse and mistreatment you didn’t deserve. So, that’s what you got used to. You’re used to brushing off the big stuff because that’s what you’ve come to have more experience in. You don’t have experience in little things like couple fights. I mean, some of it is a result of needing to interpret tone and wording so you could better keep yourself safe and now it’s bleeding into areas where logically you don’t need to be worried, but of course you still will after you’ve been through so much. It’s perfectly normal. Heck, I went through something similar. I couldn’t handle loud noises after I came back from the war because my body couldn’t help but worry they were bombs when I knew logically I was safe. You’re not trained to handle smaller situations, so you blow up more than other people would because while those people were growing up normally and learning how to deal with little things, you were in a situation where all you could worry about were the big things to save yourself, resulting in more experience with these situations that most people don’t have.”
Ash took a few moments processing it. Of course that’s why. He was shocked he hadn’t thought of it before.
“I guess I… never thought of it like that. Or, realised that was why.”
“Your old man still has some use eh?”
He let out a wet laugh. Max crooked a little smile, he seemed to be feeling a little better.
“I get that you must be scared. Hallucinating that I mean… It's just awful. We’ll work through that with your therapist. We’ll have to work through all of this with your therapist. Thank you for telling me what’s going on Ash,”
Ash could feel the pride in Max’s voice. He never used to open up like this. He would just lock himself in his room and cry and cry without explaining why to a very worried Jess and Max, thus by extension, Michael as well.
“I can’t believe anyone would wanna hurt such a sweet and smart boy. I wish I was there for you so you never had to go through any of this.” Max gently murmured, and kissed Ash’s forehead before rubbing it.
Clutching onto Max’s shirt harder than before, Ash sobbed heavier than before, starting to wail.
“Me too, I wish you were there too,”
“I love you Ash,”
“I love you too Dad,”
“What’s happening here?” A tired female voice rang out, “Are you bullying him Max?”
A dip in the sofa, slender fingers gently scratching his scalp in a way to soothe him. Jess.
“I’d do no such thing!” Max playfully bit back, “He’s going through a rough patch, aren’t ya bud?”
Ash nodded into Max’s shirt.
“Aww, poor baby. Is it because of him and Eiji?”
“Well also it’s the 10th year since what his coach did. I’ll tell you about it later, we’re gonna talk to his therapist about it.”
“I see. Ash, have you drunk anything?”
Oh right. That’s what he had left his room for.
He sat up, breaking the hug with Max, and sipped on his water, as he shifted around guiltily.
“Sorry for waking you both up.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We got up and are staying up with you because we care about you.” Jess retorted.
“I just, I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, when did you last speak to Eiji?” Jess asked.
“Since the fight…” Ash muttered.
“So, a week ago?”
He jerkily shrugged his shoulders again, getting more upset.
"You should call Eiji." Max interjected.
"But he-"
"Kiddo, he won't be mad at you. He wants to talk to you, he misses you,"
“I’m gonna go get us some tea,” Jess said, kissing Ash’s cheek.
Breath stuttering as Ash continues to hiccup and cry, nervous fingers dialling Eiji's number.
While the phone rang, Max slung an arm around Ash, gently rubbing his hair. Reassuring Ash, reassuring him that he'll only be touched in nice ways, ways that honour him and his body, nurtures his feelings, letting him know that he won't be touched badly again. That maybe someday, all the bad touches will be replaced by the kind touches from the people he loves and loves him.
“Ashu?” Eiji groggily asked.
“Can you come over? It’s okay if not I’ll completely understand if you don’t want to talk to me right now-”
“Ashu. I’ll come over right now, silly boy, of course I want to. Give me 15 minutes, okay?”
He let out a watery exhale, curling up into Max, wanting to be held again.
“Good job buddy, you did a good job,” Max said, cradling Ash again.
Jess came in with three steaming mugs of tea, but Ash was too busy mulling over what was going to happen when Eiji came over. Biting his nails and crying without realising, while Jess dabbed at his cheeks with a tissue and Max carried on holding him.
15 minutes felt like 15 hours, but eventually, a knock was heard, and without being able to help himself, Ash jumped up and rushed to open the door.
Eiji stood in the doorway, clearly tired, but seemingly happy to see Ash.
‘He probably isn’t happy, he just wants to tell you that he wants to end your relationship, he doesn’t really love you, just give-’
“Oh Ashu…” he gently said, reaching up to Ash’s cheek to rub them with his thumb. “I missed you.”
His face scrunched up, before burying his face into Eiji’s shoulder, hugging him tightly, wailing.
“It’s good to see you Eiji.” Jess sighed.
Eiji tenderly took Ash’s hand, and went into the living room where Max was still sat.
“I’m gonna go check on Michael,” Jess whispered to Max, him giving a thumbs up as a response.
Ash went back to sitting next to Max, and Eiji took the spot Jess previously had.
Yawning, he pulled the blanket back up to cover them all.
“Are you tired Ashu?”
“He didn’t get any sleep, stuff to do with your fight and his past, we’ll talk more about it tomorrow,”
“Ah, I see… Ashu?”
“Hm?”
“Would it help you if I and Max stay here and sleep with you to keep you safe? We’ll talk about everything tomorrow,”
Ash nodded his head, agreeing. It will be difficult, but he can’t keep running away. He needs to learn how to deal with smaller situations, like Max said.
They pulled the sofa out into a bed, Max on the right, Eiji on the left and Ash being held by them both in the middle.
“I love you Eiji,”
“I love you too Ashu. Forever and always. My soul will always be with you,”
Safe. Warm. Comfortable.
These were the feelings Ash had as he let out the final few tears he was holding in, before drifting off into a sleep with no nightmares.
Smiling, Jess took a photo and set it as her phone background.
‘How cute.’