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The Doctor lounged back in a chair at the back of the Noble's house. The view afforded to them overlooked the garden they'd been tending as furiously as they would have an alien invasion. Now though, invasions weren't their job anymore. They were under strict orders from Donna to only get involved if the other them or UNIT weren't there to handle it.
They sighed and watched the insects move about from flower to flower. The seasons would change soon enough. They'd have to think about what new plants to shift the garden towards so it stayed lively.
They heard the back door open and shut next to them. A presence moved in their periphery to sit in the unoccupied chair next to them. They were steadily growing familiar with the feel of her, the way she moved, her ripples through time, and the ways she was similar or different to her namesake.
Rose was silent a moment before she said, "Can I ask you a personal question?"
The Doctor turned to her. "You can ask, but I think you'll probably know by now that I won't always answer."
She nodded. "Okay. I can accept that."
"Then ask away."
She paused to think over her words. "I know you used to be a woman. I know you're not right now. You've said that that's a thing that can happen with regeneration, changing sex like that. I suppose what I wanted to know was, well, what's that like? I mean, how does it feel to change like that so quickly?"
She looked out over the garden and continued, "My body, voice, and style have changed over the past couple of years, but that was very slowly. Sometimes slower than I wanted, and even then I still had to adjust to it. I had all your memories in my head but now that they're gone, I can't imagine what that must be like."
The Doctor followed her gaze across the backyard. They sighed. "It's terrifying. The old me is dying and a new me is being born. I have no idea what that new me is going to be like. Some Timelords could influence it right down to the dress size, but I was always uniquely bad at that."
They laughed to themself. "I suppose I know now why that is. It's never been in my nature to control it, only to do it."
Rose studied their face for a moment. "Does it hurt?"
The Doctor looked at her kindly. "Oh yes. Every cell in my body burns and is remade. It hurts."
She looked down at her lap for a moment before reaching out to hold the Doctor's hand. "I'm sorry."
"Oh, it's alright." They rubbed the back of her hand with their thumb in a soothing gesture. "It's just the way I am, and it saves my life in the end. It allows me to save other people's lives."
"How do you-" Rose cut herself off to rethink the question. "Do you ever feel wrong in your new body? All those changes. It must be difficult to adjust."
The Doctor hummed in thought. "It can be. The first few hours and days after regenerating can be difficult. However, I'm not like you humans. When I change on the outside, something inside me changes too. I shift over the course of a few hours to be comfortable in my new form. Otherwise, even without the sudden change in biological sex, I'd still have to contend with a wholly new body."
Rose nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense. Even though I liked my new hairstyle, I kept being surprised every time I saw myself in the mirror for the first several days. I imagine that would be so much weirder if it was everything that changed."
The Doctor laughed. "I still get that. When I was Scottish I'd gotten used to looking young to humans with my previous three faces. I kept forgetting how I looked to you now that I'd gotten older again. Of course, that regeneration wasn't very good at picking up what face and body differences meant. Lost some of the social guidelines with that one."
They turned to Rose with a smile. "When I was a woman, I kept forgetting that I was. I just felt like me so it didn't occur to me to register that people saw me differently. I had to keep reminding myself that I was a woman for over a year. Even now that I'm in a body I know, I keep expecting to brush my hair out of my eyes or being surprised when people treat me like I'm a man."
Rose laughed and grabbed their arm in excitement. "I used to do that too! I can't tell you how many times I accidentally introduced myself with the wrong name or was surprised when people gendered me correctly. Even though I wanted this, to be how I am now, it's like I had to get out of the habit of being who I was."
She sighed and sat back in her chair. "It's nice having someone in the family who gets it. I mean, they've all been really wonderful, but it's extra nice to have someone who knows how it feels."
The Doctor held her hand in theirs. "It is nice. I'm glad to have you as my niece, Rose Noble."
"Hey." Rose shifted to her side to look at them. "I'm curious. Was that the first time you'd ever been a woman?"
The Doctor chewed their lip as they concidered what to say. Eventually they settled on, "No, but it was the first that I could remember."
"What do you mean?"
They swallowed heavily. "I had some memories stolen. I've got, I'm not sure how many, regenerations missing. Apparently, in the time before I can remember, I used to change a lot. Skin color, sex, everything really. It all used to be more fluid before. After that, I looked like what you would concider to be a white man for a long time. It took me ten regenerations to even shift to brown eyes. I always thought I was a bit remarkably stuck in my ways. Maybe I just had a favorite look. Now though, knowing that I used to be different..."
Rose squeezed their hand and asked, "Do you think it was a coping mechanism?"
The Doctor choked. After a brief coughing fit he looked at her and asked, "What?"
"It could just be a coincidence but, well, it's just, you used to change a lot, and then something bad happened that took your memories and you stopped. In my health class we learned that sometimes your body remembers trauma that our conscious mind doesn't," Rose said.
She brushed her thumb over the Doctor's wrist in a return of their gesture from before. "I was just wondering because, well, I don't remember much from the Meta-Crisis, but I remember feelings and I've heard you and mom talk. I know something hurt you when you were a woman and then you regenerated back into not only your old pattern but the exact same face from before. Do you think because you were hurt, you limited yourself to a narrow set of appearances for comfort or safety without realizing it?"
The Doctor held on to her hand and looked back out at the garden. They took a moment to breathe. Rose let them. For a long while, all they did was hold on to her and breathe.
Eventually they gathered enough air to say, "Oh."
"I'm sorry," Rose said. "I shouldn't have said all that."
The Doctor cleared their throat. "No, it's alright. I'd never considered that before. I just... I know my regenerations can be influenced by what I'm thinking or feeling before hand. I never concidered that it might last more than a face or two."
They turned to smile at her. "I've never thought of it like that."
"You don't have to do that for me," Rose said softly. "You don't have to smile when you don't feel like it just to make me feel better."
The Doctor sighed. "It's just what I do. Old habits, you know?"
"Have you considered therapy?" Rose asked. "I had to and it actually ended up being kinda helpful. Maybe UNIT could find someone who could help you. Do you think that would be good?"
"Maybe." They drummed their fingers against the armrest of the chair. "I'll think about it. I don't think I'm ready."
"That's okay." Rose told them. "I'm glad I'm getting to know you. I really like having a new family member. Thank you for talking to me, and sorry again for earlier. Sometimes I don't think before I talk."
The Doctor laughed, a real laugh. "That's alright. If I didn't know your mom, I'd say you got that from me. Don't tell her I said that."
Rose giggled. "It'll be our secret."
"Sit with me awhile?" The Doctor asked. "I want to stop and let time pass."
"Yeah," Rose said with a smile. "I can do that."